Scary Statistics

I was watching Law & Order: Special Victims Unit this evening. Usually it is just passive entertainment. I don't generally go out of my way to watch it... unlike CSI but usually catch it. Now tonight's episode was a repeat but one of the statistics that came up in the episode always gives me a pause. Beck was saying that victims are 7x more likely to be sexually assaulted again. That's just scary. Statistics also say that 1 in 4 women will be sexually assaulted. 1 in 4... 25% doesn't sound so high but it really is. Rates are highest in late teens and early 20s, especially on college campuses.

I can speak from experience that you are more likely to be victimized again. But that made me wonder why that is the case. Theoretically, all things being equal, you should be just as likely as the next person. But I suppose that is really only true if you live in a vacuum. More likely, at least this was the conclusion I came to earlier, certain people are just more likely to be victimized. It is these same vulnerabilities that lead someone to be more likely to be victimized again. Certain behaviours... and personality types... could lead to someone being more likely to be raped. And these same predispositions increase the likelihood of being victimized again.

Both of those statistics are pretty frightening. I'm over it as much as I ever will be. I don't think you ever really get over it. You never forget. I just don't have the same flashbacks or nightmares that I once had. It has shaped who I am... just as any event shapes your life, even in small ways.

Student Loan Payments

Still no word yet on my interest relief status. I should be hearing back tomorrow hopefully. If not then I will be calling in. I had to put a stop payment on my student loan with the bank. Wound up costing me $20 to stop the payment. Even then they weren't 100% sure they would be able to stop the payment but said they should be able to. I also took the automatic withdrawal off my loan with the National Student Loan Center so hopefully they don't take the money out. But can't anything go smoothly? Please tell me it gets resolved soon and doesn't cost as much as the last time around.

Speaking of finances this week is not going so good. I went to the dentist last week and they submitted the claim to the insurance company. Ordinarily I get the money the next day. But still nothing... and I was relying on that money to pay rent from. Now I am not even sure if I am going to be getting that money at all. The dentist will be taking the money out on Friday when we get paid. But if I don't get the money at all I'm really going to be screwed. I don't really have $300 for my nightguard at the moment. again with the can't anything go smoothly thought.

Congested

I am currently feeling pretty congested. I'm not sure if I am actually sick or if it is just from the dry heat at both my apartment and work. I'm having some difficulty breathing. It's funny because I can hear Christie coughing at her desk and then I have the sniffles. At least I know she's not the one that got me sick. *lol* One of these nights I think I'll have a rosemary bath. It just won't be tonight. I have to go to bed earlier tonight since I have a chiropractor's appointment in the morning. Hopefully I feel better soon though.

That's My Boy

Leave it to Azrael... Just spread out like he owns the space. He takes up an awful lot of space for such a small animal. Here he had taken over the futon. Azrael loves that Harley blanket. He'll take over the bed too if I let him.

Greatest Boss in the World

I'm going to start this with a preface. I don't owe Christie anything and am not kissing up to her. I don't kiss ass very well. I believe in honesty and integrity and am my own person. I am not her clone.

When I first found out I was going to Christie's team as the performance coach I was a little concerned. We had been friends for 3 years and suddenly she was going to be my boss. I was also just coming back from my LOA and was concerned about my job. I'm pretty sure she was wondering what to expect based on my file and likewise I wasn't entirely sure what to expect with her as a boss. I didn't want to lose a friend in the process.

Fortunately, it's been a great experience. First of all Christie doesn't micromanage. She gives me my space so that I can just do my job. She doesn't need to monitor me. If I am going to fail I am going to do it on my own. I appreciate that. I am not the kind of person that wants someone to be keeping tabs on them. And my stats speak for themselves. If I have missed a mandate it was because of uncontrollable circumstances.

My other concern had been whether or not she could stand up to me and say what needed to be said. I'm not perfect. I am going to make mistakes or do something without thinking. I have seen both sides of Christie. There is the outside of work side and then the inside of work side. She says what needs to be said and when you get pulled into a room it's not going to be fun and games. But I respect that ability to separate her personal life from work. It's tough when you are friends with the people under you. But I would not be able to respect her if she did play favourites or not deal with something because of a friendship.

I know where I stand. It's not a question of mixed messages. Not only that but Christie also gives a lot more in the way of respect and appreciation then other managers I have had. Respect is huge. It is what keeps employees. She gives me a hard time about developing an ego but it's nice to be appreciated.

Lastly, Christie makes it fun. Not to say it's always fun and games. We are no longer allowed to play with the Nerf guns but that wasn't because she wanted to be mean. That was because the stats are not up to snuff. She gets out there with the agents... jokes around with us. She's also good at taking a joke since we give her a hard time a LOT. Christie always brightens my day.

When you work for someone you respect you want to try harder... not just meet expectations but exceed them. I find I work harder and do more now then I did before. Now some of that stems from changes in the role. But it's also because I want to prove to her what I am capable of. I just completed a huge make-work project and it wasn't because I had to but was because I wanted to. Took a lot of time and energy but in the end I believe that it will save time and help me identify more trends. Now if only Christie could read Excel spreadsheets.

For all of these reasons I nominate Christie for the greatest boss. Now if she would just make use of the van and drive me to soccer practice... *lol*

Separation of Home and Work

There is always talk of leaving your personal life at the door when you come to work. That might be true in a perfect world. But we don't live in a bubble. No one can do that. I am not saying that you should allow your personal life to affect you at work or be an excuse for poor performance. However, I believe that a good manager should still acknowledge anything that might be affect that person and if the circumstance warrants should allow them the opportunity to talk about it.

I remember a long time ago there was a situation that stayed with me... Something was going on (the details aren't really important and I don't even remember) and Carrie (my performance coach at the time) pulled me aside and asked me what was going on. She knew it was affecting me. I never forgot that. She took the time to address it and empathized with me.

Christie does that. I can't speak for other agents, although I have seen it. But even with me she acknowledged the frustration of my student loan and my heating woes. That doesn't mean that she would allow me to use it as an excuse but at least she acknowledged that I might have something else on my mind. Likewise, I know that Christie isn't going to be focused on work 100% of the time. Right now she is sick so I know that it affects her. Life happens...

Contrast this with my former team leader. 2005 was a horrible year for me. The biggest impact was being raped by a coworker. Now rape in and of itself was bad enough. How do you possibly separate work and home in that case? Not only did I live in the same building I worked in but Mike also worked there. I was told not to say anything. Chris never even acknowledged that it might be affecting me. I would see him at work but it was always this unspoken ghost haunting me. Now, me being me, I never would've talked about it. But I think it should have at least been acknowledged. Or even a referral to the EAP counsellor. She swept it under the rug like she did everything else that might be affecting my performance at work.

So if you ever find yourself in a managerial position acknowledge the employees personal life and discuss anything that might be important to them. It builds a more positive work relationship. It doesn't mean making excuses for the behaviour or poor performance but you do build a relationship with your employees that way.

Effects of Micromanagement and the Hostile Workplace

Since I started working with my current employer I have had 6 team leaders/managers. There have only been a couple that I had issues with. Both were for the same reason. As an agent I never had any type of disciplinary action. I knew the job requirements and what was expected of me. I was consistently doing fine on my monthly scorecards. So I wanted to be left alone. The last thing I want is micromanagement. I don't need to be monitored or policed in any way. Now if you have a disciplinary action for me that's another story altogether and that needs to be dealt with. But otherwise leave me the fuck alone and let me do my job.

Micromanagement tells me that you do not trust me and are not confident in my abilities. Why else would you need to monitor what I am doing on a daily basis? It also reminds of what life was like at home... and I got out of that a decade ago. I doubt myself enough... I don't need someone else doing it for me. As anyone that knows me will attest to... I monitor myself. I know where I stand and what I need to improve on. For the most part I don't need someone else to tell me.

I am a good agent. I can say that without having an ego.... Back when I was still new all my stats were good and I did not have any disciplinary action. My only real issue was attendance. In the first year I had pneumonia and I had bronchitis four times. Then just after I made it past the one year mark I had the flu. Lost 20 pounds and I'm not sure I ever completely recovered. After that I made a decision. I dropped out of school and chose this as my career. There are still times when I reflect on the last 2 years there when I wonder about that decision.... All because of a few people.

I spent the first two years on Joan's team... Well okay there was a team before that, briefly, but I don't even remember it. I was the golden child. I was appreciated and told what a good job I was doing. Then I moved to Mike's team. I immediately felt like I was under a microscope. Suddenly, I felt like I wasn't good enough. Joan had emphasized what I did well... Mike was more focused on what I wasn't doing so well. He was big on sales which was my weakest point. Some people are probably about to say this story is too much information.... Anyone that knows me knows that I drink LOT of caffeine. I was working permanent nights so I was always there until close. My last break was usually around 6:45 and my bladder was not going to hold out from 7 until I got home. Now I would wait... and wait... and usually at about 9:15 the calls would be gone. So then I would go to the bathroom. Unfortunately, the calls weren't always gone. So Mike hauled me over to his desk to have a little "chat" about it. He seemed to think I was avoiding taking calls. I can understand his point of view but that was definitely not what I was trying to do. Having said that it would be one thing if he stopped there but the next day he was asking me about it. It was embarrassing. Then right after that he was monitoring all my stats. Tried to tell me my call time was too low. Too low? At that time we had 15 people taking portable calls... I was taking about 40 calls a day and bringing in business for the center. To this day there are very few people that can match my handle time. My confidence level took a BIG hit.

After that I was applying for performance coach and was told that I was "negative and unapproachable and [he] did not want to give [me] an interview." To this day whenever I see that person it's all I can think of.

So I transferred to the legacy queue just to get off Mike's team. With Stan I was back to being respected and was left alone. I was in the middle of a separation so he would check in with me and see how things were going. I really appreciated the time he took and the effort he made. Shortly after I did get performance coach and was on the move again. But he would still ask about me.

And then came Chris. She was a new team leader and had something to prove. A lot of that came at my expense. I was a new performance coach and she was a new team leader. 7 months of hell. I was berated in front of team members. I was constantly getting in shit for something. Nothing I did was going to be good enough. She even admits that she was monitoring everything I did. It was a very hostile environment. Any confidence I had was completely destroyed. I wanted to quit and almost didn't come back from the LOA. The best part of the LOA was coming back and being moved to another team. Unfortunately not everyone is so lucky.

Micromanagement creates a hostile work environment and one that no one enjoys. Now micro-managers do provide results and on paper can look quite good. But they rule with an iron fist and people are too afraid to speak up. They fear reprimand or for their job. I was scared to death that I would be fired. It also leads to high burnout or high turnover. In a nutshell micromanagement does not work!!!

The Boss

In case you're wondering I am not currently in the doghouse and I don't need to score points with Christie. I might need to suck up and earn some brownie points after posting this picture... Just wait until I get part two done on the "van" *lol* But this is an old picture of Christie, as you can tell by the date on it. Back in the days when we were agents together actually. Brings back memories.... Before I was her stalker *lol* She used to be so quiet, shy even. How times have changed.

Just for a history lesson.... I started here back in 2002 and within a month was on the same team as Christie. In January 2003 I went to Trent and started working on my biology degree so I was only working part time. In November 2003 I came down with the flu and lost the next semester at school so I ended up dropping out and focused on work. In September 2004 (0r somewhere thereabouts) both Christie and I joined the "dream team". The first team to take US portables calls. People who are working there now don't understand what a big thing it was for the company and for us. It really was an elite team. When I look at where they are now... we're talking Performance Coaches, Team Leaders, Team Managers, Tier 2... or gone. Pretty soon after that Christie became a performance coach. I moved onto the legacy team and then in February 2005 joined Christie as a performance coach. Ahhh... the "walk-bys" I'm not sure at what point Christie became a team leader but when I came back from my LOA at the end of February in 2006 I joined her team as the performance coach. No more walk-bys... now she can just throw things at me. And that's how the stalker comments were born. She can't seem to get rid of me no matter how hard she tries *lol*

Azrael's Bed

Azrael really is my photogenic child.... What is it with cats and electronics? I know they are nice and warm. I didn't know he was sleeping on it until after my cable went on the fritz. I get off the phone with Cogeco and then I look at the cable box and there is Azrael curled up on it. I was starting to wonder if he might be the reason my cable was acting up. Turns out he wasn't.

Maybe it's just me but I can't see that as being comfortable. It's a hard metal box. But then he's a cat and can sleep anywhere. It's what they do best. I thought I'd get a few pictures while he was curled up there earlier this evening. If he's not there quite often I'll find him on top of the TV or on my PC. Right now he is on top of the TV.

And every time I see him on the cable box I think back to a story I heard years ago when I was at work. The original iMac was the small, all-in-one computer. Great design and marketing gimmick. The only problem with the all in one is that it means the heating vents for the entire system are in the monitor. Now I am not sure if this story is true or just an urban legend but it could happen.... The story is that the cat would sleep on top of the monitor, which of course blocks off the heating vents for the computer. As you can imagine this would cause the computer to overheat. So as the story goes the computer did overheat and caught on fire, killing the cat. So I do get concerned when Azrael curls up on the computer or the cable box. The TV he is sleeping on is not turned on so I'm not worried about that one.

I think his ears were burning.... He just came running out of the bedroom wanting attention. Lately Azrael really likes to be mauled. I think he believes he is the center of attention and the world revolves around him.

Best Present in the World

It has been a rough, frustrating week. But sometimes it is the small things that can make all the difference in the world.

I already mentioned the card that Christie gave me. What I didn't mention is that there was more then just a card there. Christie came over with a present for me. She knew it had been a rough week and wanted to do something nice for me. She wanted me to feel appreciated.

It was touching for many reasons. One because Christie actually took the time to do something like this. I am not used to someone actually going out of their way to do something nice for me. The thought actually brings tears to my eyes. I'm not sure I want to admit that to Christie though. *lol* She might think I'm a wuss. Or realize that I'm not as strong as I let on.

The other reason that it meant a lot to me is that Christie is sick and isn't getting much sleep. In spite of that she went out of her way to do something for me... to cheer me up and show her appreciation. Awww....

The magnet really does hold a lot of truth.... The best part of the day is coming home to Azrael. There is something about having him greet me when I get home and then have him curl up either beside me or on my lap. It's calming and brightens my day. I'm telling you... he is cheap therapy. It's also about the unconditional love he brings. Cats don't pass judgment... Hell within 5 minutes they have forgotten the fact you stepped on their tail... or whatever... and are back to loving you.

And then there is the cat. I think that's the closest to a female cat that Azrael is going to get to see *lol* According to the tag it's not recommended for children under the age of 3. So maybe I shouldn't have it *lol* It's cute and makes me feel like a kid again. I am just a big kid at times though. I won't go into the psychology of that one... It's a whole other discussion.

They are the best presents in the world. Maybe it's because it's unexpected. I was definitely not expecting anything. It was a normal day at work. And it's not like your birthday or Christmas when people feel more obligated to buy something. It was a present out of the blue. The best kind. Christie really is too good to me. I don't even think there are words to express how I feel. "Thank you" doesn't even begin to cover it.

The Card

Christie came in to work today. She is still sick and didn't get much sleep. But in between meetings she came over to my desk and gave me this card. Now for those people that are wondering what the card said... that is for me to know. That's between me and Christie and it is none of your business, no offense to you. I will share one line from it... "Heather is the best performance coach we have" *lol* Just kidding... That is just an ongoing joke. All that I can say is that I look at the card and smile.

Another Pic

Just another illustration of how cold the apartment is. Okay so it actually isn't that bad at the moment... These pictures were taken the last time we had a cold streak. Still crazy to think that is indoors... and that I am paying for this.

Pure Frustration

The hits just keep on coming.... I get home from work today and not only is it really cold in the apartment... but there is a letter from the National Student Loan Center. At first I thought I was finally getting the notice that my application for interest relief had been approved. That would've been too easy. Nope... once again it had been denied. And once again they seemed to think I made too much money to qualify for interest relief. Immediate stress response and frustration. And then I called the student loan center. First they told me I was under the allowable amount. So I argued with them about that. I know what my loan payments are and therefore what I am allowed to make. Then they came up with a new excuse. They said that my Royal Bank student loan didn't count. Since when? It has always counted as part of the student loan. They tried to tell me it was only a provincial loan and should not count. They told me that other people had made a mistake. I'm not about to let them bully me. So I dug up the paperwork which clearly said that it was a Canada Student Loan and not just Ontario. Then... I went to the canlearn web site which clearly said to call the National Student Loan Center about it.... So after a half hour they were escalating it back to the Interest Relief department and I would have an answer in about 3 business days. Extremely frustrating... Since I don't have an answer. And now I need to call the bank and have them postpone the payment. But I'm not about to get optimistic since the last time it was a dragged out fight the last time around and lasted for months. Hopefully this time it's a little smoother. Time will tell. But right now I am just so frustrated.... I could cry.

Heating

Just thought I'd post a couple of pictures that show what the inside of the apartment looks like. Before, I thought it was because there was too much humidity in the apartment. Right now it is 20% humidity... the average apartment/house is at least 30% humidity and the windows are still covered in ice and snow. So I guess it's not from that. My feet are currently icy. I had to grab my duvet just to stay warm. Brrrr

On a Happier Note

As I've been writing out my current frustrations with the current apartment I've been watching Azrael. He is currently sprawled out beside me and looking quite content. As of late he has really been trying to get my attention. Azrael is my therapist at times. Right now he is in the middle of a dream and looking awfully cute. I wish I had a camera right now. Azrael's my baby.

What to Do... What to Do...

It might only be January but I am already thinking about what to do when my lease expires. I really hate the thought of moving again. I HATE moving... Looking for a place... paying first and last.... signing yet another lease.... packing and then moving. Every step of that I despise. And as far as the layout goes I love my current apartment. It's pretty spacious. For as much as it might be a ghetto building it's actually not that noisy. And I am far enough away from work.

The downside is obvious... the building management. I used to work as a rental agent and as soon as the maintenance request went in the work got done. If necessary a note was left for the tenant indicating they would be coming in to do the repair. 24 hour notice was always given and they never bounced a cheque trying to cash it before the 1st of the month. I don't think I have ever had a worse superintendent in my life.

Seems to abound in Peterborough though. The housing in Peterborough is notoriously bad. You're lucky if you can get a hold of the building management when needed. Superintendents are a dime a dozen and don't always get the job done in a timely manner. But they can also get away with it since the vacancy rates are low. There is a housing shortage here. You wait like a decade for subsidized housing... apartments can charge whatever they want.... I'm back to being reminded as to why I hate Peterborough. I really can't find all that much to say that's good about this city and this area.

Doormat

Some days I feel like I am a doormat.... someone to be used and abused and just taken advantage of. Why? Because I don't stand up for myself. Right now I feel like certain people are just walking all over me and don't think twice. It's an extremely frustrating place to be.

First there is the superintendent. It seems like they want me to take legal action. They seem to think I will just be complacent and not do anything. After all... I have just written letter after letter so far in spite of the fact they have not fixed the heat in here. I shouldn't have to live like this. After all I am paying for rent. I should have the repairs done in a timely matter instead of having the superintendent taking advantage of the fact I am a peacemaker. I don't want to make waves. I want it to be fixed but I have a tough time getting confrontational and forcing the issue. I can't seem to stand up for myself and my rights.

But it's not just the apartment... SS does the same thing to me.... Back in October (or somewhere around there) I had to turn the air conditioner off because it wasn't working properly. Ever since he has been promising to take it out but always has 101 excuses. I think it's just to keep inviting himself over. But it lets in quite a draft in the bedroom. Not that long ago it was covered in snow and ice. Needless to say I want it out of my bedroom, and out of my apartment. But he keeps stalling... It's not helping the heat or the humidity issue. So I keep asking him to take it out... and it doesn't get done. I hate unreliable people and I really don't like nagging. Again I don't want to get confrontational. I don't want to see him angry or risk pissing him off.

*Sigh* I really need to develop a backbone and not try to be the peacemaker. It's not getting me any more except more stressed and frustrated.

When it Rains it Pours

Why is it that when it rains it really pours? The heating issue still has not been resolved... obviously since I posted about it yesterday. There is the humidity issue. The landlord gave me my annual notice of a price hike... AKA the annual money grab. They have no reason not to increase the rent on an annual basis. And then there is the fact they seem to think I owe them money even though my rent has been paid on time.

If that wasn't enough I am really getting concerned about the water. I went to fill Azrael's water dish the other day. The water didn't look clear... In fact it looked like there was soap or something in the water. I didn't want him drinking that. I decided to just fill it with water from the Brita. So I went to clean it out first. Now the water dish is stainless steel and all I used was a paper towel. The paper towel turned red when mixed with the water. Red? That can't be healthy... When I did fill it up with filtered water I was amazed at the difference and finally realized just how cloudy the water had been.

Also got me thinking... Recently I had been noticing what appeared to be an allergic reaction. I had these weird red marks on my arms and it would get really itchy. I also noticed it most often when having a shower. Makes me wonder if the two aren't related... I'm thinking there is something in the water, like rust or another sediment.

But I'm reluctant to even try and get the superintendents to fix it. After all it really is like pulling teeth to get anything done. It took two months to get my balcony door fixed when I first moved in. 8.5 months later the heat still has not been resolved satisfactorily. Right now the heat is on max just to keep it warm... and then I'll probably need to turn it down and it will drop below 20. There is no happy medium.

More Apartment Woes

Okay so the heat still has not been fixed... It sort of works. It's really inconsistent. I have to keep adjusting the temperature. I crank the heat so that it gets warm and then have to turn it back down because it gets too hot. The thermostat definitely does not match the actual temperature in the apartment. It's real pain. At one point there was even ice forming on the inside of the window. The humidity level is also really low if I don't have the humidifier running. Fortunately it takes a while before the humidifier runs out.

If that wasn't enough I got a letter in the mail stating that I owe them money. WTF? I always pay my rent on time. I drop it off a few days early, usually on my way to work. The last time I didn't pay my rent on time it wasn't because I didn't pay it on time... They tried to cash the cheque early and it bounced as a result. So I ended up paying the full price for rent that month (there is a bonus for paying rent on time). Then my superintendent called to tell me they made a mistake and I should take it off the next month's rent. So I did. And now they are telling me I owe them $30.... which I know I don't. My only problem is that I can't prove what day I actually paid my rent. I was avoiding the superintendent since I don't want to deal with them so I don't have the rent receipts and the rent cheque was alwys dated for the first. So I have no way to prove what day I actually paid the rent.

Yin vs Yang

You Are More Yin

Feminine Devoted Forgiving Fall Winter Afternoon Moon Time Passive Metal Honey

Are You More Yin or Yang?

Power Color

Your Power Color is Green

You feel most at home in a world of ideas. You're curious and logical - and enjoy a good intellectual challenge. You're super cool, calm, and collected. Very little tries your patience. Your only fear? People not realizing how smart and able you are!

What's Your Power Color?

Right or Left Brained in Love

You Are Right Brained In Love

Bit of a drama queen Peacemaker, first to end a fight Good at thinking up creative dates Tend to fall in love and get hurt easily Going with your gut instead of your head Emphathetic and caring, sometimes to a fault Good at recognizing patterns in relationships Been in love many times, perhaps too many to count Wildly passionate and intense when falling in love Spontaneous with relationships, going with the flow Overly visual - can play back past dates like movies in your mind Roses, love poems, and stuffed animals are a good start to winning your heart

Are You Right Brained or Left Brained in Love?

What Kind of Drink Are You?

You Are a Margarita

You live most of your life in "Margaritaville", and everyone who knows you knows it. You can party with the best of them - and you're really up for anything! You're the type who's most likely to do body shots or enter a bikini contest. You prefer to date a man as lively as you are... he has to keep up!

What Alcoholic Drink Are You?

My Birth Date

Your Birthdate: November 20

You are a virtual roller coaster of emotions, and most people enjoy the ride. Your mood tends to set the tone of the room, and when you're happy, this is a good thing. When you get in a dark mood, watch out - it's very hard to get you out of it. It's sometimes hard for you to cheer up, and your gloom can be contagious. Your strength: Your warm heart Your weakness: Trouble controlling your emotions Your power color: Black Your power symbol: Musical note Your power month: February

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Bill 183

Most people take their identity for granted. They know who they are and who their parents are. They also know (or can find out) their medical history. I'm not that lucky. I was adopted at birth. I have some information but nothing identifying. Bill 183 is supposed to change all that. Adoption records would finally be unsealed and people would be able to access their original birth certificates and identifying information. It is supposed to take effect in September of 2007. Finally some closure... and I can stop wondering.

But there is a problem. There has been a constitutional challenge to the bill. Four applicants believe the law is unconstitutional and is a violation of privacy. They want at minimum a disclosure veto be included. At worst they want the bill to be blocked. It will be before the courts in June. I hope that it will go through so I can finally put the pieces together to my past.

ABC's

Even though I stole this idea from Nadine's Facebook.... Shhh... Steal? Me? Never *lol*

[A is for age:] 28
[B is for beer of choice:] Yuk.... beer?
[C is for career:] Not there yet... But for now Performance Coach
[D is for favorite drink:] Strawberry Daquiri or Coca-Cola
[E is for essential item you use everyday:] Soap
[F is for favorite song at the moment:] Hide & Seek by Imogen Heap
[G is for favorite game:] Scene It
[H is for hometown:] Cobourg
[I is for instruments you play:] Me, not musical at all
[J is for favorite juice:] Fruitopia - Strawberry Passion Awareness
[K is for kids:] Tigger (RIP), Azrael (and before anyone asks.... I do not have children... these are my cats), Annika is my niece
[L is for last food:] Does Coca-Cola count? If not... Roast Beef and pasta
[M is for marriage:] Does common-law count? Currently single and officially never been married
[N is for name:] Do you want birth name or current name? Current name is Heather
[O is for overnight hospital stays:] Far too many... When I was born I spent a month in hospital, when I was 5 I had my tonsils out, when I was 10 they wanted me to gain weight and kept me overnight, When I was 14 I had a head injury
[P is for phobias:] Team building exercises... seriously (it's a social phobia)
[Q is for quote:] "No day but today" (Rent)
[R is for role model:] Christie for her integrity, values and just for being cool
[S is for self confidence:] What the hell is that? I can fake it pretty good
[T is for time you wake up:] Am I working? If not.... noon
[U is for color of underwear:] Black
[V is for vegetable you love:] Broccoli or Cauliflower
[W is for worst habit:] Trying to do everything myself and taking on too much
[X is for x-rays you've had:] None recently... In my younger days way too many
[Y is for yummy food you make:] What, me cook? probably my grilled chicken
[ Z IS FOR ZODIAC:] Scorpio... The sign of sex, death, and money. It's got to be the most powerful sign.

The Escape Artist

Doesn't he look cute? He looks so innocent. Appearances can be deceiving. I came home from work tonight and he was waiting by the door. He ran out the door. So I dropped off my backpack and my jacket. Then as soon as I opened the door there he was. Azrael ran back inside. He just wanted me. He wanted to be near me and get some attention. That's all he wanted. I picked him up and he was super happy. Cats are easy to please. Just give them food, water and plenty of attention. That's it.

Comments

Some people just don't think before they speak. I was leaving work and since we're actually getting some colder weather I was putting on my mittens and toque... One of my co-workers said I looked like a little kid getting ready to go outside and catch up the bus. Now that in and of itself was kind of funny... since I'm almost 30. It was quite the image. But when he jokingly called Dave my father that might have been a bit much. Dave is older then me.. but not by that much. I am so not getting that image out of my head

Bonecracker

Yesterday was my day off. Normally I try and make sure I don't have any appointments so that I can just enjoy the day off and get some rest. I hadn't looked at my work schedule before I made my chiropractor's appointment. So I made it for my day off. Oops... oh well. I had posted a few days ago about the Fibromyalgia flare-up I was having. Yesterday I discovered why I was in so much pain. My lower back was out... by about a centimeter. Normally a centimeter doesn't sound that bad but when it comes to your spine that's not a good thing. It was out far enough that one leg was shorter then the other. I was constantly twisting my back. Yeah that will cause pain all right. I was really happy when she put my spine back into place. So it's all good now. Less pain... not completely pain free but much better then I was before. Now if I could just get myself to go to bed early I'd be doing well. Yeah... not going to happen.

Soundtrack of My Life

Stole this from Lesley's blog. I love finding random things to do that allow me to procrastinate and not work. So here goes...

If your life was a soundtrack, what would it be?

So, here’s how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that’s playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don’t lie and try to pretend you’re cool…

Opening Credits: Goodnight and Go - Imogen Heap
Waking Up: All For You - Our Lady Peace
Monday: Hero - Chad Kroeger
Fight Song: 7 Minutes - Circlesquare
Breaking Up: He Wasn't - Avril Lavigne
Prom: Play Me - Korn
Life: Trading My Sorrows - Darrell Evans
Mental Breakdown: Alone I Break - Korn
Driving: Slow Chemical - Finger Eleven
Getting Back Together: Truth - Seether
Wedding: Whisper - Evanescence
Wild Sex Scene: Bliss (Original Extended Mix) - Syntax
Birth of a child: Complicated - Submerged
Death Scene: Hail Hail - Pearl Jam
End Credits: Livin' It Up - Limp Bizkit

Reality Check - Masquerarde

an urgent sense of regret and now
I'm caught in the zone
my mind arrested be fear and so I
go it alone
a metamorphosis concieved by the
early light
distraction of self comes out in
the night
fabricated I'm constructed of opinions
and lies
which only leads to failing in my
own eyes
seeking to the depths while I'm
masking what's inside
a bitter sweet existence and I cause
my own demise

and I wonder if you've ever seen
life through the eyes of one who
understand what it means to be free
freedom comes when you can let it go
but I guess you wouldn't know

it's such a shame the game you play
congradulations you're invited to
the masquerade
I'd like to know what lies behind the
mask you made

my mind reflects the meaning to things
that are jumbled
resting on the first making time
to rehearse
intricate persona controlled animation
visually impaired cling to pain
immersed
mentally scarred cosmetics dripping down
life in forward motion exists in reverse
unstable at the seams trying to conform
trapped in a maze while sin is at
it's worst

and I wonder what you're gonna do
when you're disguise comes crashing down
and your self comes shining through
are you gonna hide your face
or let it rest in the hands of grace

don't hide your face in the masquerade
don't play the game it's a masquerade

Coaching Style

Everyone has their own unique personality. As such we can't treat them all the same. This is important to remember for anyone who is in a supervisory position or does any type of coaching. I work as a performance coach. And what works for one person is not going to work for someone else. A lot of people have trouble with this. After all it requires looking at things with someone else's eyes and not our own. It is definitely not easy. Some agents want to spend time just chatting and while there are times when you want to just cut it off because you have other jobs to do... the point is that they are your agents. If this is what they need then that is what you give them. You have to be willing to listen, even if it's not about work. There are other agents that don't want that... They just want to go back to doing the job. You have to tailor your coaching to the individual.

The reason I was even thinking about this was actually in regards to myself and what I need. I don't generally need someone to sugar coat things. I want to hear it straight up. But I also don't respond well to micromanagement or someone checking up on me. That is restrictive and is the fastest way to make me feel like I am not valued.

It's like a Rubick's Cube. You have to adjust things until you find the combination that works for that specific person. Just remember, it's about that person. So get to know them... and find out what they need from you.

The Masks We Wear

It's not just actors that put on masks and try to conceal their true identity. Everyone wears masks at different times. We do it to avoid being hurt... or to be what other people expect us to be. It's human nature. It's also about psychology and the need to protect ourselves.

Growing up I was wearing so many masks that I actually forgot what was behind the mask. My main identity was that of a ghost. I wanted to blend into the background and not be noticed. Just ask the people who knew me in high school. Chances are they remember very little about me. It was a conscious effort to fit in and not be noticed. But it was an assumed identity. It's not who I am naturally. Ask anyone that has known me for any length of time. I talk... a lot... and I don't do a good job of blending into the background.

There were other masks... all designed for self preservation. Over time I have stopped hiding so much and am getting better at being true. There is a dichotomy though. Part of me wants to just blend into the background at work. Part of me is still scared of standing out. I feel like if I did then I would be exposed as a fraud. That people would think I didn't know what I was doing and didn't deserve the position. Deep down I know that's not true... That I know my shit and am in the position for a reason. But it's hard for me to see it and believe it. Since I said it was a dichotomy part of me does want the recognition and wants to stand out. After all if you want to advance people have to take notice. It takes ambition, hard work, and getting noticed. But which mask do I need to wear to get to where I want to be?

Vacation Plans?

Dad called me today. He wanted to bounce a possible idea off me. He wants to look into how many air miles he has and possibly have the kids come out there for a week. Dad also wanted to try and explain why he turned down mom's offer to come out here over Christmas. I'm not sure what to think. He said it just would've been a fight over where to spend the time since mom didn't want to go visit the same people he did. So go alone. He was also commenting on the fact mom had to work. So go visit people while mom is at work. Just a thought. The point was more that Christmas is a time for families and he has never even seen his grand daughter.

The other part that was interesting is that he didn't mention mom being there. I'm under no illusions that their marriage is solid or even that it's worth saving. But I would like to think that if it's a family get-together that all members of the family would at least be invited.

I love BC. Going back out there is actually tempting. It's the family part of that I am not as crazy about. No offense to Suzanne and Dave since I would see them any time :o) Love you guys. When I am on vacation I want it to be relaxing and low stress. Now I am already going to Montreal in August for the Nascar race which doesn't leave me much vacation time. I was hoping to spend the rest of it just relaxing with Azrael. I hate to say it but quality time with the family is not stress free. I still think I should've gone out there while on my LOA. At least I had the time then to do it and it's not like the 7 weeks off was really a vacation. But we'll see... Just might be heading out to BC this summer.

My Version of Relaxation

Last night I was out cold and slept for 12 hours. I guess I really did need to catch up on my sleep. When I finally did wake up from my coma Azrael was right there to greet me. I always look forward to that time with him while still half asleep. He has spent most of the afternoon curled up with me. It's my version of relaxation. Azrael is the only way to really get me away from the computer. It was nice to spend some time with him and just watch a movie. Lately he has been pretty neglected on my days off since I've had work to do. This weekend (I know it's Monday and Tuesday but it's still my days off) I decided no "work" just relaxation. Burning the candle at both ends was not benefitting me and I know I need to take some time to myself. Azrael forces me to relax at times. Speaking of which I think he wants some more attention since he has just curled up on my lap.

Fibromyalgia Flare-Up

Saturday I was at work until 9:30. Sunday I had to be back in at 9:00 a.m. As I am sure you can imagine those numbers don't go together very well. I went to bed at midnight and with the changes in weather... or stress,... or whatever the Fibromyalgia was really acting up. It was worse then it has been in years. I spent the entire night just tossing and turning. I couldn't sleep and was trying to get rid of the pain to no avail. Plus I had forgotten to take my pills which didn't help. I kept getting up and was wandering around. Azrael was always lying on the floor at the end of the bed and he would follow me around. He's like my guardian. When I go to bed normally he will lie in the doorway and watch me.... And then as soon as the alarm goes off he knows I am awake and will get his daily quiet time with mommy. Any ways that night I just wasn't getting any sleep and was in a tremendous amount of pain. I got about 2 hours of sleep before the alarm went off. I had so much work to do that I couldn't call in sick. It was a rough day and I was pretty glad when it was over. the pain isn't as bad now. It's still there but is much reduced now.

Breakthough

Today was a good day! When it started out I didn't feel that way. It was snowing outside and I was concerned what the temperature inside was going to be like by the time I got home. I was also running late like usual. And I was super tired for some reason... I think just because of how hard I have been working.

On the way to work I went shopping. I wanted to pick up CSI: Season 6 and the Illusionist. For whatever reason FutureShop didn't have the Illusionist but I was able to get the first thing on the list. Plus Steve got me my Christmas present. He bought me the Fox and the Hound on DVD. Brings back memories of childhood actually.

Work was pretty relaxing today. I only listened to two calls but I spent more time just talking to agents and even spent a half hour with one agent going over 2006. I was starting to see my efforts pay off. I was able to see where the trends are and get them to commit to a plan of action. Then John took a look at the data and came up with the same trends for the agents. It's nice to know we're on the same page.

There were some big structure in the organizational structure... I'm still not sure what it all means but time will tell. Tomorrow I'll have to ask Christie about it and see if she can shed some light on it.

After work there was a "team" get-together for wings. Even though Amy is no longer on the team she is still part of the group so she came out... which is good since she was my ride. It was a lot of fun. I had forgotten what it was like to be social *lol*

When I got home Azrael escaped on me. I had to go chase him down in the hallway. He got about halfway down and then just stopped. I'm not sure if he got lazy or just wanted to be near me. So I picked him up and got the motor going. He just wanted to spend some time with mommy. I'm also wearing his favourite shirt. My Huron hoody has drawstrings for the hood and he LOVES to attack them. Right now he is curled up beside me waiting for me to put down the computer again.

I love spending time with Azrael... He is therapy for me. Not only that but it was very nice to come home and not feel like I have a number of projects calling my attention. For a while there my coffee table had a mountain of papers and three different projects, all for work. The one causing me the most grief Christie told me not to do... I told her I wanted that in writing *lol* But hey... I'm more then happy to acquiesce that request. The main project that I had been working on was 100 hours worth of work and as beneficial as it is I am also glad that it's done.... It's not like it was even part of my job. I don't mind doing it but it was a HUGE job and I don't think I had realized just how big a job it was going to be when I started. It was a massive undertaking. I'm not sure I can keep it up since it is so time consuming but we'll see. I think it needs to be done. The other project was about motivation. Initially I was thinking about creating a presentation and then decided to just write out some of the ideas. It was much easier. So when I got home tonight no projects... nothing calling my attention.... Just rest and relaxation. It's a nice change. A breakthrough of the winter blah's.. in spite of the first real snowfall of the year.

More Apartment Concerns

Since it was my day off I decided to go down and talk to the superintendent about the heat. The washing machine stole my money so I had to go down there any ways. As it turns out they turned off the water so the washing machine is working, there just isn't any water. That is a huge frustration for me. It was the one thing I need to do today and I can't get as much work done in the meantime. I have no idea when the water will be turned back on so it's a waiting game. Looks like most, if not all, of my day is going to be spent waiting for that. Since the water is off that also means I can't have a shower.

As far as the heat goes no word yet on when they are going to do something about it. I was told that I am not the only one where the thermostat does not seem to do anything and does not control the heat. That is not acceptable. I pay rent and the ability to control the heat is expected. Well okay if everyone's apartment was controlled centrally by building management that would be one thing but it's not. Heating is individual. If it's warm outside then it's about 75 degrees which is a little warm. And if it's cold outside then it drops to about 65. Since we're in the middle of winter I expect cold weather at some point. I really don't want to be wearing a toque and mittens inside.

Adoption Disclosure Registry

After playing phone tag with Linda from the Ministry of Community and Social Services I finally got to speak to her today. She was quick to point out that she was from the Adoption Disclosure unit which I already knew. Apparently they found my mother and wanted to confirm some information with me. They actually found her some time ago so the whole thing has been in limbo. They needed to make sure I didn't want to add any additional information in their letter to her. I guess I filled out a survey back in 2003 when they began the search. I don't remember it. So she read off what I had written. Looks good... told her to go ahead with it. She said the contact would be in the next couple of months. I'm not sure how to feel at the moment. On one hand I kind of feel for my biological mother... She is about to get a letter (at least I assume it's a letter) out of the blue. Nothing like being reminded of the child you had 28 years ago. For so long my identity has basically been a big question mark with lots of unknowns. Who am I? What were my parents like? I feel like I am so close... yet still so far away. I may come out of this knowing nothing at all... or I may learn a great deal. It's also reminiscent of Pandora's box. I have no idea what to expect or what truths there are. I do know that it's not a fairytale and am not expecting it to be perfect. The most important thing for me is that I finally get to do what I have said all along. I get the opportunity to say thank you for giving me up, for trying to give me a better life and thinking of my needs first. If that is all that happens I am okay with that.

Things Are Looking Up

We're now a week into the new year and things are already starting to look up. I finally feel like I am back in the good books at work. While I still have a lot to do I am a little more relaxed. I finally got done one of the HUGE projects I was working on and am starting to see the benefit of it. Not to mention the fact it means I have a little more time. Or at least will have more time. There are other, smaller projects, that I am working on. No rest for the wicked. I really do need to learn to delegate... or not take on as many projects.

Pretty soon Christie wants to sit down and actually discuss things. Better late then never. Supposedly she has a "developmental plan" to help me get to where I want to be.. which is team manager. I'll take the suggestions since it's not about more make-work projects. Some of the suggestions I am sure I already know... but it's good to be reminded. I'll take the help I can get.

The Year in Review

Since it is now January 1 I thought it was time to do the year in review... a time to look back at 2006 and reflect on it. There were some good things that happened and, as is part of life, there were some bad things as well. And now it is time to look ahead to the coming year, rather then looking to the past.

The High Points

• Getting a family doctor
  
• Treatment for Fibromyalgia
• Getting Christie as a manager
• Buying the MacBook Pro
• Replacing the couch with the futon
• Moving to a new apartment away from work with no roommates
  
• Vacation
• Spending time at Tammy's
• Getting my teeth fixed
• Christmas dinner with the family
• Playing with Azrael... he keeps me calm

The Low Points

• The LOA!!!!!
• 7 weeks of reduced pay
• Medical care in Peterborough
• Having a stalker as a roommate
• PDR (Annual review at work)
• Sleeplessness
• Student Loan!!!
  

Sad Realization

I came to the realization the other day that if I had not accepted the performance coach position that right now I would be making $13.60/hr. Now that would not be an incentive to stay where I am... But the position had a 50 cent/hr premium. So I would actually be making $14.10/hr. Right now, as a performance coach I make $14.15/hr. Hmm... less work... less stress... far less responsibilities... I wonder why that is appealing. Having said that I would pretty much be stuck in that position forever with no real chance of advancement. But right now I am not sure what the chances of advancement are any ways. For now I am being held back... 2 months from nopw I *might* be able to apply and get an interview. Now that the team leader position is no more it is extremely unlikely that someone will advance to team manager. After all they are lacking the experience and team leaders from other sites can apply. The last posting for team manager is a good example. From what I understand no one got the position. The best chance of advancement is to take a transfer to another site. I just think it's really sad that the pay difference is so small... When you look at everything a performance coach does.... In terms of the money I might as well go back on the phones. I wouldn't because money isn't everything... but the more stress there is... the more tempting that thought becomes. It would be really nice to be getting all three of my breaks again, instead of one. Not as many meetings... Not answering questions... No work to do at home... Just take calls for 8 hours a day and then go home. Wow does that ever sound nice....

Christmas Presents

Just wanted to put up some pictures of the Christmas presents I received from Christie. With the candle I was given instructions to try not to burn the apartment down. And John told me if I do... then I should at least take Azrael with me *lol*. The dolphin is part of a book bracelet. It adds some variety instead of the traditional bookmark. I almost feel like I should get a matching anklet.... or at least one that is similar.

I don't have pictures of the other presents but mom gave me some socks, cloths, and gift certificates for Sobeys/IGA/Price Chopper. Definitely helpful since it meant my groceries were covered for this week... or at least almost covered. Mom also paid for lunch the other day. From Suzanne and Dave I also got a book on Einstein in his own words. It's pretty cool. I really like quotes.

Presents aren't the be-all and end all... It was actually just nice to be able to spend time with my family and friends over the holiday season. I don't do that often enough... Almost wish I had my full license and a car so I could visit people more often, especially Suzanne and Dave since they actually live out of town. Maybe one of these days. :o)

Birthday Magnets

This seems to be the year of the magnet. The turtle magnet was on a card from Suzanne and Dave for my birthday. Annika picked out the card for me. The other two were presents from Christie. I won't bore you with a long post since I already wrote one. Suffice to say it is the year of the magnet.

Christmas Magnets

The year of the magnet continues. Apparently everyone decided I need more magnets. For Christmas I got the Coca-Cola magnet from Christie. I'm thinking it could also double as a weapon. It's definitely one of the coolest magnets I have. Then Suzanne and Dave gave me the cat ones which I already posted about here. Lastly, mom gave me the Winnie the Pooh notepad to hang on the fridge. So it seems to be a common trend this year... 3 different people. And I can't remember the last time someone gave me magnets as a present, aside from my birthday any ways.