Bankrupcy in 5-4-3-2-1

As you can tell things have not changed in my world. I am no longer optimistic about my fight with interest relief. The best thing I think I can hope for is that I can reapply for interest relief and not have to pay for 6 months. But that won't help me pay the outstanding bills or recover the money that it's already cost me. I get paid again on Fridy but virtually all of it has to go towards rent so I don't get evicted. If my loan hasn't been strightened out by then I think that will be rock bottom, financially at least. By that point I'll be $300 behind in bill payments and the next set of bills will be on the horizon.

As you can imagine I am a little stressed right now about that. There is still a ray of hope that my interest relief will be approved but that ray is rapidly dimming. I don't want to get my hopes up again just to have them come crashing down. After all they denied me and then denied the appeal.

It's also aggravating that they do not take into consideration living expenses. I don't have $600 a month to spend on my student loan. It's not that I don't want to pay it off... I just can't. I already spend almost half of my income (after deductions) on rent. I don't have money to have a life... or buy clothes. I haven't even had money to buy groceries in 3 weeks. Yet I supposedly make too much money to qualify for interest relief.

Back in July I applied for the team leader position but that was a short lived thought. Right about now I am definitely wishing that I had been put forward and at least got the interview. Well okay, I'd really like to have gotten the promotion and the pay increase that would go with it. Had it not been for dad's help I would be even further behind... well basically I would've gone under by now. Dad suggested I either look for a job that pays more or get a rish boyfriend. If I wanted either I firmly believe I would have to move out of Peterborough. I could move to TO and apply for the Apple Retail Store. Sad when retail is a pay increase. But I don't want to. I want to keep working here. In spite of everything that has happened during my time there I still believe in the company and do see the potential. It could be a great place to work. But pretty soon I may not have a choice. I have to make ends meet. *Sigh*

120 Days

Today it has now officially been 120 days since I quit smoking. Hard to believe it is 4 months already. There are still times I am tempted, especially when stressed... but it's gotten easier over time. One of the guys at work forgets that I was a smoker until I mention it. But I was outside every chance I got having a smoke. Healthwise, I do think it has made a difference. I still take it one day at a time... so today is day number 121.

Sick

I called in sick today for the first time since March. With all the stress the Fibromyalgia had been flaring up. By this morning my neck and back were really tight. I didn't want to call in sick but I really felt like I needed a day off to try and relax... Almost impossible but it's a nice thought. I was so worn out that I slept until early afternoon. Still low on energy. I've been pushing myself way too hard... scared to call in sick... completely stressed out... and it's really starting to take a toll on me physically.

$74 < $300

In spite of the fact I just got paid yesterday I now have $74 in my bank account. This time it was the Royal Bank taking money out of my account. It's very discouraging going into work knowing that no matter how hard you work you still won't make enough money. And each day I just get further and further behind. Like right now I need $300 just to pay bills to the end of the month, not including groceries. Kind of hard to do when you have $74 in the bank account. And my next pay cheque will just barely cover rent. I'm no long optomistic about interest relief kicking in after it has been such a long drawn out battle. It's extremely stressful when you work full time but are not making ends meet. It's all I can think about. I feel like my back is against the wall and I have no way out. I can actually understand why people turn to gambling and become addicted to it. Not that I am going to gamble away the little money I have left... but I can see the appeal. I'm not making ends meet as it is... so why not try and win more money somehow. It's a longshot but things aren't working as it is. Dad said maybe I should look for another job, one that pays more. The problem is that I live in Peterborough. I make $13.95/hour. Here that is a respectable wage... I make close to $30,000 a year (or at least would've had it not been for the LOA). It's the cost of living here in Peterborough that's an issue. So I am destined to live from pay cheque to pay cheque with no refuge in sight... barring a promotion any ways.

Invisible Disease

I was talking to Adam earlier tonight and he was saying that he knows someone with Fibromyalgia. They seem to be using it as an excuse to be lazy and he thought of me. I am able to hold down a full time job and don't use it as an excuse. Having said that I also try to do too much and suffer in silence. Fibromyalgia is called an "invisible disease" because you don't appear to be sick. It's a struggle every day for me to get out of bed and go to work. People don't see that. I don't think that fatigue is a good enough reason to miss work but it is hard. All I want to do is get some rest.

But rest is a foreign concept. My immune system was already weak and then I had the flu. That was the end... I'm not sure I ever really recovered from that. I lost 20 pounds... as if I had 20 pounds to lose. I went back to work too soon and tried to finish the semester at school. Not a good scene. Plus I moved in with Adam around the same time. I never got away from the fatigue and it just kept getting worse. But I wouldn't let on how bad it was... as I struggled to get out of bed... never really being awake... I don't even have the energy to be social.

My life revolves around going to work and then going home... It's all I have the energy for. And even then it's debatable. I am still amazed that I can function at work and manage to keep going. It is sheer determination and willpower. That's for damn sure. But there are two things in my favour at work. For one, it's not manual labour. Second, I'm not taking calls all day now so I do get a lot of mini breaks. I find that I need that to get through the day.

I know I should go back to the doctor. But doctors don't seem to take fatigue seriously. Again it's not something that you can easily see (unlike the infection I was battling a couple of weeks ago) and it takes a lot of work to determine why it is. And for me to get to Pickering isn't exactly convenient. So I continue to suffer in silence with this invisible disease.

One Year Ago...

Okay so it's not one year ago today... but rather 1 year ago Saturday... a day that will live forever in memory. It's a day that really shook my sense of justice... as well as my sense of safety and security. It all started with an email that was sent to the entire company... about a birthday celebration at one of the local bars. We won't even go into proper use of the company email... or potential liabilities... but any ways... I decided to go out after work. Mistake #1 was going out. Mistake #2 was drinking. Mistake #3 was telling Mike he could stay at my place so he wouldn't get fired. Mistake #4 was either not going back to Tristan's instead... or letting Mike in. With the exception of the next day when I was at the police station I still have not allowed myself to completely relive the experience. It's still too painful, even a year later. Looking back, if I had known what the aftermath at work would be... and if I had known the charges were going to be dropped because of a lack of witnesses (what the hell did they expect... that it was being caught on camera??) I never would've pressed charges. I know that people have said I did the right thing... and that it took courage to report it and press charges. That may be... and you can think less of me... but if I had to do that part of it all over again I would not have pressed charges. I would've suffered in silence. And for those that say by not pressing charges then he wins... He won any ways... I was the only one that lost. I paid a high price that night and in the following months. It still haunts me...

Songs in the Key of X

Okay so maybe this isn't X Files... but I'm thinking Aliens could do a better job then the government of sorting out my student loan. Might be as much of a conspiracy though. I came home from work and was looking forward to some relaxation. I needed it... but instead get a letter from the student loans center. My appeal was denied. They still seem to think I make too much money. So I pulled the application and the allowble income portion of it. My student loan payments are $604/month... so according to their own forms I can make up to $2378. My declared income was $2312. I know it was close but it was still under the allowable income. So I decided to check my bank statement since they pulled out another payment on September 1st. They were still pulling out the reduced amount...the reduction I never authorized. One of the last times I called in I asked them to put the payments back to the full amount. Looks like they couldn't even do that for me. I ask myself... what the hell do they do all day? I'm thinking it is part of their job description to screw people over... and to actually make mistakes. Normally that would not go over well in a business.... but this is the government. And of course they take more money this way... and if I do default on my loan then I wouldn't qualify for interest relief. They even admitted, when denying my appeal that the cost of living is not factored in. But what exactly am I supposed to do? I am already a month behind and I can't afford to make any more payments. I just don't have the money. I can't even afford to pay my other bills at this point. And I know I should qualify for interest relief. The worst part is that even if I do get it resolved... and finally get my interest relief I get to start this process all over again in another 3 months. *sigh* Will it ever end?

Uneventful Week

It was a pretty uneventful week. Not much going on at the moment. Figured I should post before people start getting concerned though. I'm completely over the infection and no longer sick. Never did take any time off work. But I am currently finishing up my 2 days off. Back to the grindstone tomorrow.

Work was a little stressful this week. All the work that I would normally have 5 days to complete I had to do in 4 days with the holiday. We got it done, but barely. Looking forward to having the usual 5 days to do it.

Had Pat over for a celebration dinner. I wanted to congratulate her for getting team leader. And no I didn't give her food poisoning or anything. *lol* It was a late dinner though since we didn't get off work until 9:30... or at least that was when we were supposed to be off work. Instead it was more like 9:45 before I even got off the call I was on.

Other then that... nothing else to really say. Like I said it has been pretty uneventful. Not entirely a bad thing. I didn't need any more drama. I like peace and quiet.

Mac Addict

The other day I was at work and Pete was reminding me of how nice it is to use a Mac. When I first started working I always said I would never buy a Mac. I could build a PC for much cheaper so why get a Mac? I held to that idea... This year I had a decision to make. I couldn't build a laptop so I was going to be buying one... Do I get a PC or do I get a Mac? Initially I was PC all the way. And then Apple released iWeb... software for web design that came free with the computer. That had a great deal of appeal for me. Just look into the entire iLife suite and it's hard not to like it. The drawback was the price. But since I am a performance coach I figured getting the Mac would also be beneficial for my agents. See I am not entirely selfish.... So I went with the Mac. And when Pete and I were talking I was reminded that, although the first one was a DOA computer, the second has been extrememely stable. With my PC I was reformatting about once a month. I have yet to reinstall with this one. No blue screen of death. In fact I haven't had to restart unless I chose to. It hasn't locked up. So while it costs more... that's not such a bad thing when it means I don't have to spend hours reinstalling or troubleshooting the system. I'm starting to see why Mac users are fanatics. Everything just works... and they are really easy to use. Not to mention everything is Apple... not Microsoft for the OS, ATI (or NVIDIA) for the video card, etc. Looks like I am switching over and am joining the fan club. Less frustration and down time as a result of the switch. And I still have my Microsoft Office. For basic photo editing I have iPhoto. And for those that really do need a copy of Windows there is always Virtual PC for older Macs and either Boot Camp or Parallels for the new intel Macs. Mac addicts unite!

The Root of All Evil

Money really is the root of all evil... or at least of all stress. It's really tough knowing that no matter how hard I work I am still not making enough money to make ends meet. And it's all because of my student loan. I have now paid $759 to the student loan center and am still behind on payments. It really is an empty feeling when you realize that even though you have paid that much money you are still behind. And, on top of that, I can't even make my bill payments. I get paid tomorrow and it still won't be enough. :o( There is no hope in bringing my student loan up to date. But I can't afford to pay the cable bill, my cell phone bill or buy groceries either. That's really stressing me out. All I need to get things right is for my interest relief to be granted... Then I'd have $220 coming back to me. But the way things seem to be going that is going to be an uphill battle... one that I currently seem to be losing.

Mail

There was some good news this week. Well things at work were pretty good. I had a lot of respect from the agents and was able to get done most of what I wanted to. But at home we finally have mailboxes again. I am still not sure why it took 3 months to get them but any ways. At least it means I don't have to walk all the way to Rye St. to get my mail. Granted I didn't really want all the bills that were waiting but it's nice to be able to just go downstairs and get the mail. With the way I am feeling I was dreading going down to Rye St. to get my mail. And now I don't need to.

Adventures of the Past Week

This story really began in a previous post and me not sticking it out at the hospital. That was last Tuesday. On Wednesday I was back to work. I spent the last of my laundry money in cab fare to get to work. There was no way I was going to be able to walk there. People have said that the pain was just written all over my face and I was actually white. I could see the infection by this point and could not move my arm. I was really nursing the arm. The lump was pressing on the muscles which is why there was so much pain. I only went to work because I had two meetings to go to that day. I even stuck it out for the entire shift. Then it was back to the ER. I got there around 10:00. For two hours they did not call a single name. The first person waiting to be called had been there for almost 4 hours. Just to make matters worse three of the nurses were called to help the patients that had been admitted. And two of the doctors were going home. They ended up getting the doctors to stay for an extra hour. As expected it was infected. For whatever reason I had developed an abscess that had become infected. They had to cut it open and drain it. Then they had to pack it. That was one of the most painful things I've ever had done. They said they were going to freeze it. So I was under the assumption that I wasn't going to feel anything. Yeah right... Brought me to tears. At least they gave me T3s. After 2.5 hours I was able to go home... But Steve wasn't there to pick me up. I waited a half hour and then decided to just walk home. After all I was hoping to make it to work the next day. Every step I took with my left foot was excruciating because it jarred the whole side of my body. I cried all the way home. the medication kicked in and I went to bed. Too bad it really didn't help me sleep.

So that was the second trip to the hospital. On Thursday I did go to work. I was tired and still in pain but was determined to make it in. This time I did walk to work. After work it was back to the hospital to have the bandages changed. Another hour and a half wait... More pain as they unpacked it and then repacked it. Then they put moleskin all the way around my arm to prevent it from being aggravated. I had limited mobility at that point. Got home and, once again, it was time for bed.

Friday I didn't have to go to the hospital. That was finally some good news. I really didn't want to have to go back. Yet I still went into work, in spite of it all. I'm still not sure if it was dedication or insanity. I wanted to set an example. And I had a job to do. I wanted to make sure it got done.

Saturday more of the same. I walked to work and was starting to feel the pain in my muscles. I woke up with a sore throat as well. For the 4th straight day I did not take any calls. Whenever I was typing I had to take breaks. It was insanely busy so I didn't get to leave on time. I had to wait for my ride. I also helped people get off their calls. So I didn't get home until after 10:00. I had to take the bandages off and remove the packing. That took a really long time. Some of it was slow on account of pain as well. Then it was bedtime since I was going back on day shifts the next day. I didn't even have time for dinner.

Sunday at least I had a ride to work... Although initially he forgot about me. I actually had to call work and tell them I would be late. Then Steve showed up. Now I was back to taking calls. But what's worse then being in pain? Being sick and in pain... As soon as I woke up I was congested beyond belief and could feel it into my ears. My throat was also still sore. I get really irritable when I'm sick. I might have called in sick but I had a coaching session that absolutely had to be done that day.

Monday was finally the last day I had to work. It was a 6 day stretch and I was definitely in need of time off. I got home and was watching TV. I actually managed to fall asleep which is unusual for me. I might have just gone to bed but I knew Steve was stopping by after work. We got in an argument about my student loan. He seems to think I should stop having work automatically deposit my pay cheque and then should default on my student loan. When I know I should qualify for interest relief that doesn't really seem like a good option. Not to mention the impact it has on my credit rating. I jsut stopped listening to him though. He didn't stay long at least.

And now I am still sick but am enjoying a couple of days off. I am not allowing myself to leave... unless I'm heading back to the hospital for antibiotics. It's hard because I have a habit of wandering on my days off. But I really do need to take it easy or this has the potential of being like when I had the flu and it took a LONG time to recover. Needless to say it has been a long week and I think it will be a while before I am back to being 100% (or at least as close to 100% as I ever am).

Cable Company

So the cable company came out today. Turns out it's not the cables I am using or the cable box. I was starting to wonder since Azrael hd turned the receiver into a nice bed. I am pretty sure the cat furr does not help things. The cable guy got here and that's exactly where he was. Azrael does seem to find the strangest places to sleep. And it's not like the receiver is a nice, warm spot - like my monitor. Looks like it's actually the building. It's the actual cable lines going into the building that are causing a problem. I am getting a poor signal. They are coming back tomorrow to see what they can do. But in the meantime I am now paying for channels that I am not even getting. I get the analog channels but am paying for digital. How does that work?

Student Loans: The Ongoing Saga

So I called the National Student Loans Center back to appeal the interest relief. I got told I had to send in a letter indicating income and any extraordinary bills. The first person I spoke to recommended not paying the loan.... and then I found out I had to try and keep it in good standing. Now I have them calling every couple of days. I don't have the money to bring it back up to date. I just paid the Royal Bank $440 and I just made June's payment to the National Student Loan Center. I didn't have the $750 for that either... And, just to make matters worse my next payment is due in a couple of days so I am about to be even further behind. I'm also behind on bills as a result... The only good news is that September is a 3 pay month so I might be able to get back on track. Ideally my interest relief will go through for July, in which case I would get money back from the Royal Bank and would just have to worry about the other bills. It would also be nice if I could get money back from the people that owe me money.

Trip to the ER

So today I decided the pain was too bad not to do something about it. I needed something to bring the infection down and make it so I could move my arm. I get there and the ER is crowded. Now it's 3:30 in the afternoon... not exactly what you expect to see. I mean there aren't even enough chairs for people. Someone had told me that on the weekend people were there overnight... I suspect that it's at least partially due to the construction going on at the hospital. 30 minutes later there were still 10 people ahead of me just to get to the triage. And the sign says the approximate wait times is 4 hours, AFTER the triage. I decided since I wasn't dying that I wasn't going to waste my entire day off at the emergency room. Now that says something right there. The old saying is "An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure." Granted in this case it's not really prevention any more... but shouldn't issues be treated before they become that serious? I wonder how many people give up waiting and then wind up back at the ER when it really does become serious... Or maybe they should be getting some of the nurses to treat patients that are just minor to get them treated and on their way home. Isn't that part of what triage is supposed to be? I guess time will tell as to whether the infection goes away on it's own or if I get forced into a situation where I absolutely have to get it looked at.

Student Loans Continued

Have I mentioned yet just how much I hate student loans??? It's an ongoing drama... I finally called them today. Now I have to call back tomorrow and appeal the decision. But as for June I am screwed because of my incentive... The company bonus for doing my job meant I made too much money that month and there is nothing I can do. Now... had they sent my forms when they were supposed to I wouldn't have been documenting that income in the first place. But now I have to spend more of my time fighting with them...

Then there was the question of how much I owed them... The notification they sent indicated that I owed them $580. I was kind of wondering where they got that number from. The terms I agreed to were paying $383.64/month. A long time ago I requested that my loan payments be reduced and then decided not to go that route since I qualified for interest relief by not reducing it. So I did not sign the forms. But apparently the payment I made (that was not reduced by the way) indicated that I accepted the terms... so ever since they have had it set to a lower amount. Took a lot to get it increased back to the original amount... and now if my appeal for interest relief is declined I owe even more money... Then I can reapply for interest relief again.

So I really am between a rock and a hard place. I have to fight them to get the interest relief for July and failing that can't just reapply. I have to make sure I get what I owe paid off first. I've already been struggling to pay bills this month because of the Royal Bank taking out the loan payments for 2 months... plus I have to make sure I have enough to pay the student loan center... And that's just to get up to date... I've got nothing for September.... And of course if I do have to make these payments then I will be behind on all my bills...

I'm also going to have to call the Royal Bank and get them to hold off on my next payment while I wait for the student loans center... They're usually pretty good about it at least.

The only good news is that I might be able to appeal for July... Then I'd only have to $320 to the student loans center (instead of $640) and would get back $220 that I paid to the Royal Bank. So I am praying that they will give me the appeal... The other good news is that September is a 3 pay month... so I will hopefully be able to get back on track as long as I qualify for interest relief effective immediately.

I am starting to wonder if university was even a worthwhile venture. I know it was... but dealing with the loans is such a nightmare. C'mon... I make $2200 gross (about $1600 net) and they seem to think I can pay off $603 a month. Give me a break. And there is no leniency. Every six months I begin a new fight with the student loans center. It would be nice if I could apply online,... or something. Since it's not always convenient for me to call. And it's not like I get the forms, or notifications quickly. I am still not receiving mail here, although that should be changing in the next week. In the last month I have not received any of my credit card bills... or my cable bill. And while I don't mind not paying them I do find that kind of odd.

Either way I guess there is no end in sight for this saga... I've lost track of how many times I have had to call and try and get the interest relief approved. And I can't believe that they did reduce my payments without my authorization... If I'm not mistaken I paid them and then called to request the payments be reduced... Guess it really is part of the government... *Sigh* Can't this process ever go smoothly?

Cable Woes

Anything else want to happen? I still have to call the student loan center. I am dreading that phone call. I hate fighting with them... Then there is the pain. That still hasn't gone away. Looks like tomorrow, on my long list of things to do, will be a trip to the hospital. I've also been having trouble with my cable service... The lower channels work fine but most of the time I try to access higher channels I get a message "This channel will be available shortly." It's been happening since I moved in. I was just too lazy to do anything about it. They had me do a few troubleshooting steps and now have to send a cable repair guy out. But I suppose that is a good thing since I am paying for digital cable and am really only getting analogue cable. Since I am heading back to another 6 day stretch it means my next day off I will have to be home the entire day... just waiting around for the cable guy.

Mac Users

So I was browsing in Chapters today... I was checking out the magazines and had the newest edition of "Mac Addict" in my hand. I was busy listening to my music when I hear a voice... This guy strikes up a conversation about rearranging the magazines so the PC ones are hidden. Then it turned into a conversation about the many uses of a Mac, installing Windows on a Mac and universal applications. It brought to mind the idea that Mac owners are fanboys... they are so loyal to the brand. I was also starting to think Mac owners are friendlier... There aren't many people that will try and have a conversation with someone that has headphones on... It's also like a small community. Mac users are in the minority. I just thought it was interesting.

Owwww

I've had swollen lymph nodes for months now... I am so used to waking up congested in the morning. Underneath my jaw the lymph node seems to be tender after that fateful trip to the dentist. Frequently the lymph nodes in the armpit will also swell. Normally it will just be one side and goes away after a few weeks... Not this time. I first noticed it about 6 months ago... and after they told me the white blood cell count was low then I just shrugged it off... Then they said that was only slightly low and were not concerned about it. But the lymph nodes on both sides are still swollen and are not getting any better. I'm not sure if it's related to walking home and carrying the MacBook Pro... possibly pulling on my arm... but now I can't raise my left arm without pain. If I press on one of the lymph nodes it causes pain... I would just go to the doctor except that he is in Pickering. If it's still as painful tomorrow and I have limited mobility then I just might be making a new trip to the ER. It's obviously not going away on it's own and is now getting worse. The congestion... swollen lymph nodes... and fatigue may even be related. But if I just continue suffering in the hopes it will get better I'll never know.

Long Stretch

Currently finishing up a long stretch at work... okay so 6 days really isn't that bad. Just seems like it was a long time. Maybe it's the fact I've also been on days. I haven't been getting 8 hours of sleep and each day I struggle to get out of bed. Looking forward to a week of nights actually. A chance to sleep in. The last couple of weeks have been rough... I've just felt like I was struggling. It's unusual for me... I generally feel like I can get it done and meet the mandate. But this month I keep feeling like I am behind the 8 ball. It might be because Pat is going on vacation... but more likely it was the trouble I had getting Aces done last week.

I can't seem to let go... I need to find a way to relax. It's not something that comes natural to me though. I know I spend too much time thinking about things... I get home and I am still thinking about work. That's not entirely bad but I also need to find ways to get away from it. The downside of being a Type A personality.