Legacy of Abuse

I'm not sure why I am so melancholic at the moment. I think it's just from the pressure I placed myself over the last month. Well, that plus various sources of stress... quitting smoking... and then there was the weekend. I haven't exactly been able to relax at all.

I should be ecstatic about the fact we were able to meet the mandate last month. It was quite a feat. Plus the help we were able to give to another team. You'd think I'd feeling pretty good about it. But, instead I am wondering what more I could've done. I've hit the mandate every month since I came back. Christie keeps telling me I'm going to develop an ego, as a joke. Yet I just push myself harder and have trouble accepting any praise. I can point out my flaws much quicker.

For much of my life I was told I wasn't good enough... and that I never would be. That does wonders for your self esteem. So to me... everything I do has to be perfect and I have trouble accepting anything less. And I do have a tough time with compliments. I just shrug them off.

The effects of abuse are long lasting and stay with you. They also affect all aspects of life. For a long time I denied it... and had to keep the family secret. That things weren't perfect. Now I doubt myself all the time. And I isolate myself. I go to work and then I come home. I tend not to socialize and I have difficulty trusting anyone. This has been increasingly noticeble in the last year or so.

I think part of that relates to events in the past year. Plus my TL didn't help. Don't get me wrong... as a person I still think highly of Chris. I think her heart was in the right place. But it reminded me of when I was younger. Nothing I did was ever going to be good enough. That has a psyhological effect.

And if you look at the two posts on the effects it's easy to see that some of them are factors in my life. I tend to engage in risk-taking behaviours. There's also immune suppression, chronic pain, insomnia, headaches and attentional deficits. Even my need to be an overachiever is likely related to the history of abuse. I'm compensating for it... and trying not to be noticed. I try to be invisible... to blend in... so I don't stand out. But it seems to be a conflict... since I am also an overachiever to compensate making it harder to be a ghost. The self-injury is probably one of the most noticeable effects. Somewhere along the way I learned that cutting myself was a reinforcing behaviour and that it reduced stress levels. But I also knew it was maladaptive. And typically when people find out they try to control the behaviour instead of helping me find a better way to cope. Now I haven't purposely cut myself in over a year now... but I haven't really replaced it with anything else.

Abuse leaves a lifelong mark.... and shapes beliefs about the world. It shapes how we interact with others and how we perceive ourselves. I'd like to say that time heals the wounds I'm not so sure tht's true.