My Heart Breaks...

Every time I listen to the song "Cut" by Plumb and/or watch the video I posted on self-injury it tugs at the heart strings. I feel like my heart is breaking. I know all too well the isolation that comes from being a self-injurer. The video reminds me that we are not alone.

I recently made the comment to someone, "At least I haven't gone back to the self-injury. All other coping mechanisms are socially acceptable." It's sad to think about the truth behind that statement. I can starve myself and people just associate it with stress... or the media's portrayal of the perfect body image. I can have indiscriminate sex with strangers, subjecting myself to god knows what but that's okay. I have the freedom to choose who I am having sex with and what sexual practices I am engaging in. If I choose narcotics then people tend to have sympathy and blame it on the brain and the nature of addictions. I can even drink to alcohol poisoning (and have) but that is acceptable. "Cheers"

Self-injury is just another negative way of coping. I don't endorse it or condone it but, at least for me, it can be less destructive then some of those other ways of coping. Anything to excess is unhealthy. So why is there such a stigma to self-injury? I suspect that it is a lack of understanding. People don't understand how someone can take a razor blade and intentionally cut themselves so it must be abhorrent. Since it's not a suicide attempt it must be attention seeking? Wrong. It is simply a way to cope, pure and simple. It is used when faced with overwhelming emotions.. in some cases it is to prevent suicide.

As an example of the stigma attached to self-injury is evidenced in the way I was treated at work back in January, 2006. It was a bad time period in my life. I couldn't deal with anything and eventually was tempted to go back to the self-injury. I gave a friend of mine (who happened to be a co-worker) the knife to remove the temptation. Then the shit hit the fan. Someone else found out and thought I needed an intervention. There was a big scene at work (I happened to be off for days) and management got involved. When I came back to work (feeling much better I might add) I was told that they considered me a risk to myself or others. It was an x-acto knife.... an office supply. They sent me off work and I was blackmailed into being on anti-depressants. In the end I was off for seven weeks and had to be cleared by a psychiatrist to return to work. For more details I had a blog about it which can be found here. I was humiliated and isolated. What makes this story even more tragic is the fact I never even went back to the self-injury. The temptation had passed by the time I had returned to work. Even human resources, who are supposed to be the advocates of the employees, stigmatized me and made me feel like a social pariah. I learned a valuable lesson that day. Drink yourself to death. Starve yourself. Have sex without protection. But whatever you do.... don't intentionally cut yourself.

It has been over a year now. I still have days when I am tempted. I treat it more as an addiction now then I ever used to. I wear an orange and white bracelet to remind me that I am in recovery and that it is a process. So when I hear the stories of others my heart goes out to them. I understand their pain and isolation. Trying to make it through this life. There is one image in the video that stays with me and I want to leave you with what it said. "Only God can judge me."