Self Injury Awareness Day (SIAD)

Now for a little more honest glimpse into my life. The title says a lot. For years I have struggled with self injury. You learn to hide the scars, and the pain and remain silent. I learned to cut where the scars could be concealed. I lied to people and I hurt the people that were close to me. But since the temptation to return to the cutting after 9 months is part of the reason I am on the leave of absence from work I am breaking that silence and opening up about it.

We all cope in different ways... and if we wanted to be honest with ourselves there is always at least one negative coping mechanism. Maybe it's that bowl of ice cream that we get when under stress... or maybe it's the bottom of a bottle. Whatever it is... we have all these tendencies. But we wouldn't do them if they weren't reinforcing. There's a pay off somewhere.

The subject of sef-injury tends to have shock value and almost seems to be taboo. It also tends to conjure up images of a mental illness because no one in their right mind would willingly cut themselves would they? When I had to see the doctor he said it was "A cry for help" and associated it with suicide. I had given away the knife so I would not be tempted to use it, not because I wanted to spend time with a shrink and be put on anti-depressants. At the time I was under a great deal of stress with my roommate and with work. I was also exhausted and never felt rested... I was basically a walking zombie. Add stress to that and I was a pressure cooker.

Back to the pay-off for self-injury. For me, any ways, it has a calming effect. In many ways it's a way to escape. It allows me to avoid feeling the emotional side of things because suddenly you have to focus on the physical. But it is also a trap. Because there is such a stigma with it as soon as you self-injure there is a tremendous amount of guilt and shame. Quickly you feel those emotions again and return to the cutting.

The first time I quit it was for 3 years. But it always stays with you... always in the back of your mind. And any time you get stressed you think about it. When Adam and I split up I didn't handle it so well. I wasn't sleeping, was still living with him and was trying to just get by... but wasn't really coping very well. So I ended up back where I started. I told someone about it and they freaked, tried to control the behaviour. Made me feel like a rat in a cage. So I cut deeper and more times. Just before I moved out I stopped again and haven't cut since then. But the temptation remains. One day at a time. It's all I can do. And here I thought removing the temptations was a good thing... instead it gets me 2 months off work.

Before I start the next paragraph I am going to add a disclaimer. I am not pro self-injury and am not going out and buying a black and blue bracelet to show my support for the behaviour. Nor will I ever post pictures of the scars. However, I do believe that I should be allowed to cope in whatever way I need to. The reality is that I am more likely to accidentally kill myself with alcohol then I am with a knife. I've had alcohol poisoning a couple of times now and not once did I ever go to the hospital. Yet people are okay with me having a drink to escape. It's more socially acceptable. In fact, I have had people tell me to get drunk every night since I am on an LOA and there's nothing work can do. If I am a genuine threat to myself (or to someone else) then you have a right to force me into treatment... but until then I believe I should have that choice and the right to refuse treatment. Not have psychiatric treatment be a condition on me returning to work. That's blackmail. And my ability to work is not related to the cutting. It may be related to the stress but it is mainly because of the fatigue. As it turns out the fatigue is not related to a psychiatric disorder... but untreated anemia. I can thank the chiropractor for that one. I felt 1000x better after increasing my daily dosage of iron. I went from barely being able to move off the couch and having no energy at all... to being able to function again.

Any ways... March 1 is Self Injury Awareness Day. While it is not recognized if you know someone that self-injures, or injure yourself show your support that day and wear an orange ribbon or bracelet. The colours typically associated with self-injury are:
Orange: Still self injuring
Orange & White: In recovery
White: Friends and family who understand

And for those that think self-injury is way out there... millions of people self-injure. The estimates may be as high as 1 in 4. Chances are you know someone who injures themselves. If you want more information feel free to contact me... or do a search on Google. There are a number of web sites out there and a number of books on the subject.

The assumption is that the alternative to self-injury is "acting normally," but on the contrary . . . the alternative to self-injury is total loss of control and possibly suicide. It becomes a forced choice from among limited options.
Solomon and Farrand (1996)