Nightmare

The heart may freeze or it can burn
The pain will ease if I can learn
There is no future, there is no past
I live this moment as my last
There's only us, there's only this
Forget regret, or life is yours to miss
No other road, no other way
No day but today
(Rent - Another Day)

The first thing I want to say is that not everything in my life is a nightmare. At the moment work is still going remarkably well. Sure there is stress but there will always be stress in the job. If there isn't then you're probably unemployed. Christie is a great team manager. She is really laid back and gives me space to just do my job. But she is also there if I need something. And Pat and I work well together. We both have strong work ethics and keep in mind that it is a common goal. If one person fails we both do. And we've managed to succeed for 2 straight months. Now I am not so crazy about being volun-told to help another team for 10 days next month. That has nothing to do with me not wanting to help... I am just concerned about how it may affect our own mandate. Both Pat and I already have to do 16 aces a week. That's a lot of work. Plus other jobs to do... and still help them out. I'll do my best.

Home life is sort of iffy. Oh I love the apartment and really feel like it's my own space. It's nice to just have me and Azrael and not have to deal with a roommate. So that part is good. But of course I am paying more for rent. Then there was the fire in the building. For the most part I am over that. I can rest a little easier at home. But as a result of the fire my mail is being held at the postal distribution center. I was going to stop by today before work but Steve didn't get here in time. I also need to mail back my defective hard drive... Any ways... the post office where it is being held is only open Monday to Friday from 8 to 5:30. I work 9 to 5:30 all next week. And one of the things I am waiting for is my interest relief form that I REALLY need to get back to them so I don't end up paying my student loan. Now the bills I am not that excited to see but I do need to pay them. So that is an annoyance *Sigh*

Then there is the rheumatologist. Apparently his office has been calling for the last month. Now I went to see him in February and they said to makea follow-up appointment but I was back at work and didn't really think much of it since he had already said that he doesn't treat fibromyalgia cases. why did it take so long to really try and get ahold of me? But they want to do some follow-up on my lab tests. Now I am wondering if my family doctor sent him a copy of the third set of blood tests or if he is discussing the tests that were done 3 months ago. I guess I'll find out on the 19th when I have to go in.

Quitting smoking is definitely not easy. Sure the Zyban helps but there are still some withdrawal symptoms. Right now I am definitely not sleeping through the night. Having some pretty vivid dreams courtesy of the Zyban. I keep waking up and when I do I have trouble falling asleep again. Now the blinds in my bedroom are not helping. Steve is supposed to be hanging the new ones but he is definitely not reliable. so the blinds only go down to the air conditioner and the light wakes me up in the morning. Azrael is also contributing to this as well. As soon as I go to bed he comes in with his stuffed animal and cries... It's not the "I want attention" cry or "I want food." In fact if you touch him he will bite you. I have no idea why he is doing this. He used to do this once in a while but now it's every night. He has really been crying a lot more lately. I'm nt sure why he has suddenly become so vocal. You'd think I was torturing the cat or something. As soon as I get off the elevator I can usually hear him... and my apartment is almost at the end of the hallway. Hoping going to get a good night's rest tonight. I could really use it.

"Will I wake tomorrow from this nightmare?" (Rent - Will I?)

Crawl into a Little Hole

Right about now I just want to put a "Do not Disturb" sign on the door and just hide for a few days. I don't want to deal with people at all. I think everything is just starting to affect me right now. I had to push myself incredibly hard last month so our team would meet the mandate and I haven't slowed down since then. This is pretty close to the time I started smoking again last time around and with the stress level I am feeling the cravings and the withdrawal. If it was just me and Azrael for a few days I just might be able to relax and not have so much negative energy. I'm like a bear... I just need to hibernate and recharge. Of course I've said that before and the time off didn't help. Hell I had 2 months off and I felt like I needed another vacation shortly after I came back. But with some rest... maybe this quote from Queer as Folk would be true:

Emmett: My flame has been rekindled and is burning brighter than ever.

Smoke Inhalation

Looks like inhaling smoke on the way out the door really wasn't so healthy. I feel like I did right after I quit smoking. I feel like my lungs are clearing out the tar and other chemicals. The difference is that a) I was running down the stairs so I was breathing deeper and b) it was more concentrated. I won't go into details but I've felt somewhat sick since then. Today I almost called in sick to work except I was scared to miss a day... and get further behind on my work. Now I'm fighting a headache on top of everything else. When will it end?

Philosophical Musings

I actually thought when I started this that it would largely be a collection of philosophical musings... and deep thoughts. Around the same time I was also lost in thought somewhere. But I really haven't been doing that. Haven't had too many philosophical thoughts lately either. Too busy getting through life to think about the meaning of life.

Of course my deep thoughts usually revolve around the need for balance. The body is always trying to maintain homeostatis or equilibrium. When something is not balanced we feel the effects, one way or another. An iron deficiency leaves you looking pale. You also tend to be fatigued... but that seems to come from a number of deficiencies.

With everything that has been going on of late I really don't feel that balance. I feel like there is a lot of noise and distractions. I just don't have the same ability to focus that I normally have. And I feel like I am on a see-saw trying to get back to balance. I just don't know what I need to do to get there. Or maybe I just need a vacation or something.

Hallowe'en/ Goodbye Love

Time for another song... (well 2 actually) also from Rent.... but this is one I identify with all too often. I think that's why I like Rent so much. I identify with it... but it's also a depiction of life and to a certain degree I believe that anyone can identify with it. It's interesting though since it's pretty much the "Rentheads" and everyone else that just doesn't get it.

Hallowe'en

MARK
How did we get here?
How the hell...
Pan left - close on the steeple of the church
How did I get here?
How the hell...
Christmas, Christmas Eve - last year
How could a night so frozen
Be so scalding hot?
How can a morning this mild
Be so raw?
Why are entire years strewn
On the cutting room floor of memory
When single frames from one magic night
Forever flicker in close-up
On the 3-D Imax of my mind
That's poetic, that's pathetic
Why did Mimi knock on Roger's door
And Collins choose that phone booth
Back where Angel set up his drums?
Why did Maureen's equipment break down?
Why am I the witness?
And when I capture it on film
Will it mean that it's the end
And I'm alone?


Goodbye Love

MARK
I hear there are great restaurants out west

ROGER
Some of the best, how could she?

MARK
How could you let her go?

ROGER
You just don't know ... how could we lose Angel?

MARK
Maybe you'll see why when you stop escaping your pain at least now if you try
Angel's death won't be in vain

ROGER
His death is in vain

MARK
Are you insane? There's so much to care about there's me there's Mimi-

ROGER
Mimi's got her baggage too

MARK
So do you

ROGER
Who are you to tell me what I know.
What to do

MARK
A friend

ROGER
But who Mark are you?
"Mark has got his work" they say
"Mark lives for his work" and
"Mark's in love with his work"
Mark hides in his work

MARK
>From what?

ROGER
>From facing your failure,
Facing your loneliness, facing the fact you live a lie
Yes, you live a lie tell you why you're always preaching not to be numb
When that's how you thrive you pretend to create and observe
When you really detach from feeling alive

Life Support

For some reason I've got this song stuck in my head at the moment... I'm hoping if I post the lyrics I just might get it out of them... here's to hoping.

"LIFE SUPPORT"

GORDON
Excuse me Paul, I'm having a problem with this, this credo. My T cells are low. I regret that news. Okay.

PAUL
But Gordon, how do you feel today?

GORDON
What do you mean?

PAUL
How do you feel today?

GORDON
Okay

PAUL
Is that all?

GORDON
Best I've felt all year

PAUL
Then why choose fear?

GORDON
I'm a New Yorker, fear's my life
Look - I find some of what you teach suspect
Because I'm used to relying in intellect
But I try to open up to what I don't know

ROGER & GORDON
Because reason says I should have died three years ago

ALL
There's only us
There's only this ...
Forget regret or life is yours to miss
No other road
No other way
No day but today

Is No News Always Good News?

I got to thinking yesterday that there might be a reason the doctor's office hasn't called. When I called them they said "No news is good news" but that may not be true. There are three possibilities at this point.

1. The test results came back and everything is fine
2. The test results have not come back
3. The test results came back but since they are referring me to a hematologist they are just not telling me the results were low

Since it's been 3 weeks now I am pretty sure the test results are back. If the blood work did come back fine then I would really like to know why I am so tired all the time. I would put my money on the last answer. When I was at the doctors he said he would likely be referring me to a hematologist and he assumed the results were going to show the same thing this time around as well. They had already repeated the blood work and both times showed the white blood cell count and the platelet count to be low. So yes it is entirely possible that as far as blood work goes I am normal (since we all know I am not actually normal) but I am thinking I'll be hearing from the hematologist.

Anxiety Attack

I'm beginning to think Valium at work would be a good thing... at least for me any ways. As Pat was leaving I was almost ready to have a meltdown. Today was one of those days where I just shouldn't have got out of bed. It didn't start out well and it did not end well.

I slept in this morning. The funny part about me saying that is that I work at 1:00 this week so my alarm was going off at 11. That was 9 hours after I went to bed. Not sure where the difficulty was. So then I am rushing around trying to get ready and have no time to either make a lunch or have a Carnation with breakfast. I did manage to have a bowl of Rice Krispies. Then Steve was late picking me up and I figured it was going to be close to get to work on time.

I did manage to get to work with time to spare. Pat wanted to get the Ace done on me right away. The call was fine. Then it was time to listen to a few calls. I went without my first break and my lunch just to get 3 calls listened to. That's bad for me. Usually I can get more done. So that was starting to stress me out. Plus we are getting more new team members. One of the current team members has taken to badmouthing me on a regular basis. As soon as I get to work I feel like I am under the gun. Even after Pat left from the day it didn't stop. I had one brutal calls and was the last one out of the building. I didn't finish the call until 10:08. Then I could finally go home.

Plus there was the arson at the apartment. I have had trouble relaxing when I am at home. I keep wondering if it's going to go off... and thinking about how I can't hear it in my bedroom. And since it was an arson maybe they will try again. With a fire I could lose everything. I can't seem to get it out of my head.

I'm also thinking that this is related to me quitting smoking. The Zyban is controlling the cravings and the reward pathways but that doesn't mean all the side effects are gone. I'm just not attributing the anxiety and the irritability to the withdrawal symptoms because I don't notice those symptoms. We always want an answer... an explanation.. Why am I anxious? Why am I irritable? But because I don't feel any other effects from the withdrawal I am associating that with the fire... and with work... and other events. Hopefully it passes soon. But I think this was about the breaking point the last time around as well. This time has been better but it actually seems to be getting worse not better. Maybe that's because the assumption is the beginning is the hardest. But it takes a long time to rid the body of the chemicals... and as stress builds up so does the desire to start smoking again. So far I have resisted though.

Odd Question

So today I got to thinking... always a scary thing... *lol* since the fire was in the back of the building and the back entrance is currently sealed off how am I going to get my mail? Not only was the recycling in the back but so were the mailboxes. Now the bills I am not so concerned about... although I do seem to be missing a few bills already with all the address changes. But I am expecting a package soon from Amazon. I'm not sure why I have an obsession with mail. I think it's just the ritualistic nature. When I was younger I would get the mail on my way home from school. And now I check the mail on my way home from work. It's a habit. Almost always it's just another bill but every once in a while it's something worthwhile, like my monthly copy of Maxim. Which reminds me I really need to ask Joe for this month's copy. I forgot to change my address with them. Yes I know that was a really bad habit. But it does look like it might be a while before I am actually receiving mail.

Confirmed Arson

According to the Peterborough Examiner today:

Arson causes evacuation

Don Peat

Monday, June 05, 2006 - 09:00

Local News - About 27 residents were evacuated by city bus to the Kinsmen Arena early Saturday morning after fire erupted in a Talwood Drive apartment building.

City fire department Platoon Chief Lloyd Hutchinson said the arson caused damage of up to $50,000 and about five people were taken to hospital to be treated for smoke inhalation.

At 3:30 a.m. the building's fire alarm was set off when a fire began in the north side entranceway where the building's recycling bins were kept, says building superintendent Ron Bourne.

"It started in the middle of the room, expanded both ways, blew out the glass door and with the oxygen coming in it just expanded," Bourne said pointing to the melted remains of a large bin.

Tenants living on the ground floor escaped through their patios.

Damage was confined to the main floor but smoke travelled throughout the building, said acting platoon chief Ron Sparks

Around 7 a.m., residents were allowed back in the building.

Building resident Jaime Sawdon was asleep when the alarm went off but managed to get out with her son Daniel.

"The smoke was atrocious," said Sawdon describing her trek down the stairwell and out a side entrance.

She took her 15-month-old to the hospital to ensure he wasn't harmed.

By Saturday afternoon an emergency cleaning crew from a fire restoration company was in the building starting to cleanup.

"This is a large scale commercial fire," said Earle Chambers of Superior Restoration.

To convey the scope of the fire, he pointed out how the plastic lamp shades along the ground floor hallway, even lights several metres away from the flames, had melted.

Mary Meyers was in a friend's apartment on the third floor when she smelled smoke just before the alarm went off.

They walked down the stairs and out the building's side entrance.

"There was a lot of smoke, I couldn't see any fire," Meyers told The Examiner.

"The fire department and emergency medical personnel did a good job, they made sure we were as comfortable as possible."

City police said they are still investigating the fire.

Smoker's Haven

It has now been 2 weeks without a smoke. Saturday night I was definitely tempted. But I've done well and resisted the temptation.

I still remember when I was 18 and for some unknown reason the conversation at home to when the first time Suzanne and I had tried smoking. When I said I never had I was told I could be honest. Once again I said I hadn't and was accused of lying. But I had been telling the truth. I had never smoked, done drugs, or had a drink. Once I had been accused of lying it really didn't matter any more. Then I figured I might as well try it since people assumed I had any ways. And now I've smoked off and on for almost 10 years now. Not to say I wouldn't have started any ways but it is still interesting to think about. The choices we make... and the factors that go into those decisions.

Power of Words

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me."

Legacy of Abuse

I'm not sure why I am so melancholic at the moment. I think it's just from the pressure I placed myself over the last month. Well, that plus various sources of stress... quitting smoking... and then there was the weekend. I haven't exactly been able to relax at all.

I should be ecstatic about the fact we were able to meet the mandate last month. It was quite a feat. Plus the help we were able to give to another team. You'd think I'd feeling pretty good about it. But, instead I am wondering what more I could've done. I've hit the mandate every month since I came back. Christie keeps telling me I'm going to develop an ego, as a joke. Yet I just push myself harder and have trouble accepting any praise. I can point out my flaws much quicker.

For much of my life I was told I wasn't good enough... and that I never would be. That does wonders for your self esteem. So to me... everything I do has to be perfect and I have trouble accepting anything less. And I do have a tough time with compliments. I just shrug them off.

The effects of abuse are long lasting and stay with you. They also affect all aspects of life. For a long time I denied it... and had to keep the family secret. That things weren't perfect. Now I doubt myself all the time. And I isolate myself. I go to work and then I come home. I tend not to socialize and I have difficulty trusting anyone. This has been increasingly noticeble in the last year or so.

I think part of that relates to events in the past year. Plus my TL didn't help. Don't get me wrong... as a person I still think highly of Chris. I think her heart was in the right place. But it reminded me of when I was younger. Nothing I did was ever going to be good enough. That has a psyhological effect.

And if you look at the two posts on the effects it's easy to see that some of them are factors in my life. I tend to engage in risk-taking behaviours. There's also immune suppression, chronic pain, insomnia, headaches and attentional deficits. Even my need to be an overachiever is likely related to the history of abuse. I'm compensating for it... and trying not to be noticed. I try to be invisible... to blend in... so I don't stand out. But it seems to be a conflict... since I am also an overachiever to compensate making it harder to be a ghost. The self-injury is probably one of the most noticeable effects. Somewhere along the way I learned that cutting myself was a reinforcing behaviour and that it reduced stress levels. But I also knew it was maladaptive. And typically when people find out they try to control the behaviour instead of helping me find a better way to cope. Now I haven't purposely cut myself in over a year now... but I haven't really replaced it with anything else.

Abuse leaves a lifelong mark.... and shapes beliefs about the world. It shapes how we interact with others and how we perceive ourselves. I'd like to say that time heals the wounds I'm not so sure tht's true.

Effects of Abuse on Adults

According to the Journal of Mental Health:

No one escapes childhood abuse unharmed. "Many abuse survivors are highly competent in their professional and personal lives, compensating for the adverse effects of an abusive childhood until some added stress is introduced, perhaps a physical illness, birth of a child, or the death of a family member."¹¹ Some children may seem resilient to abuse, some even becoming overachievers ^8,11, but eventually the history of abuse catches up with them.

Compared with people without a history of childhood abuse, adults with a history of childhood abuse are more likely to have: A partner with a substance abuse problem; Anxiety disorders; Chronic head, face or pelvic pain; Eating disorders; Musculoskeletal complaints; Depression; Gastrointestinal distress or symptoms; Asthma or other respiratory ailments; Obesity, Eating disorders; Insomnia; Panic; Sexual dysfunction; Substance abuse; Suicidal ideation or behavior; Pseudo-neurologic symptoms (dizziness, etc.); Unintended pregnancy; Self-injury; Abuse their own children.

Effects of Abuse on Children

According to the Mental Health Journal:

In addition to distorting children's thoughts, abuse also forces children into a position of having to "hide the family secret". This prevents children from having real relationships and has life-long effects. And because our ability to form healthy social relationships is learned, abused children are deprived of many skills necessary to navigate the social world. Their entire concept of a relationship is distorted. This leads to problematic relationships in life and even on the job.

Another disturbing aspect of abuse is the experiential restraint it puts on children. If a child fears doing anything new because of the chance that it will lead to a violent attack or because an abusive parent keeps extremely tight control over them, the child will lose his or her sense of curiosity and wonder at the world and will stop trying new things and exercising his or her mind. That child will never achieve his or her intellectual potential.

Another aspect of abuse which cannot be ignored is the physical stress it puts on a child. Multiple exposures to violence and trauma cause what's known as autonomic and endocrine hyperarousal. Basically it means the victim gets stressed out. When a person experiences this hyperarousal over and over again, there are permanent physiological changes. These changes can be seen as over-reactions to stimuli, as in being easily startled especially by things that remind the victim of the original event; generally being emotionally numb; craving high-risk, stimulating, or dangerous experiences or self-injury; difficulties in attention and concentration; cardiovascular problems; and immune suppression which leads to a higher risk for colds and more severe illnesses.

Effects of child abuse:
Academic difficulties; Agressive behavior; Alcohol and/or other drug abuse; Anxiety; Attention problems; Bad dreams; Bed wetting; Behavior problems; Chronic pain; Compulsive sexual behaviors; Concentration problems; Dangerous behavior such as speeding; Dehydration; Depression; Dissociative states; Eating disorders; Failure to thrive; Fear or shyness; Fear of certain adults or places; Frequent injuries; Insomnia; Learning problems; Lying; Malnutrition; Oppositionality; Panic attacks; Physical symptoms such as headaches and stomach aches; Repeated self-injury; Risky sexual behaviors; Running away; Self neglect; Separation anxiety; Sexual dysfunction; Sleep disorders; Social withdrawal; Stealing; Stuttering; Substance abuse; Suicide attempts; Thumb-sucking or any age-inappropriate behavior; Truancy.^2,3,6,15

Children have different levels of resiliency or hardiness and different personality attributes, so different children respond differently to similarly abusive situations. That's why the lists of warning signs above seems so general. None of the symptoms above is diagnostic of child abuse - i.e., the presence of any of the signs above does not prove that abuse has occurred. Also, a child may endure abuse without developing any of the symptoms above. Abuse simply increases the risk for all of the symptoms. Basically, children are supposed to learn everything they need to thrive in this world from their caretakers. Abusive parents provide the opposite of what children need. Instead of teaching and nurturing growth, they distort and destroy.

Types of Emotional Abuse

According to the Wikipedia article on emotional abuse:

Rejection

Rejection occurs from a refusal to acknowledge a person's presence, value, or worth. It is achieved by communicating to a person that she or he is useless or inferior and by devaluing that person's thoughts and feelings. For example, continually treating a child differently from siblings in a way that is unfair and suggests dislike for the child.

Degradation

This occurs from the use of insulting behaviour, such as ridiculing, name calling, imitating and infantilizing. It aims to diminish the dignity and self-worth of the person, and affects their sense of identity in a demeaning way. Examples include: yelling, swearing, publicly humiliating or labelling a person as stupid; mimicking a person's disability; or treating someone as though they were much younger than they are and preventing them from making normal decisions.

Terror

This is the evocation of extreme fear in a person, done by coercion through intimidation. It can include placing or threatening to place a person in an unfit or dangerous environment. Examples include: making a child watch violence perpetrated on people the child cares about or a pet; making threats to abandon or kill a child; threatening to damage a person's possessions; stalking. Extreme religiousity could also fall under this category; whereby the wrath of God is threatened if an individual behaves a certain way (telling a child they will burn in Hell if they masturbate, etc.).

Isolation

Isolation is the limiting of a person's freedom to engage in normal association with others. It may involve physical confinement. Examples include: preventing an older child from participating in decisions about their own life; locking a child in a cupboard or in a room alone; disallowing a partner or older child from using their own money or making financial decisions; withholding contact with grandchildren; forbidding or strongly discouraging a partner from meeting with friends or family; depriving a person of mobility aids, transport, healthy living. The abuser does this to make themselves feel more important, or gain a sense of control.

Corruption and Exploitation

Corruption involves training a person to accept ideas or behaviour that is illegal or transgresses cultural mores. Exploitation involves using a person for advantage or profit. The grooming of a child to serve the interests of the abuser rather than those of the child may occur prior to actual exploitation. Examples include: child sexual abuse; permitting a child to use alcohol or drugs or see pornography; or enticing a person into the sex trade.

Emotional Unresponsiveness

This entails the failure to provide care in a sensitive and responsive manner and is manifested by being detached and uninvolved, interacting only when necessary and ignoring a person's mental health needs. Examples include: ignoring a child's attempt to interact; failure to show a child affection; treating someone as though they are an object, "a job to be done".

Nails

There was a little boy with a bad temper. His father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, to hammer a nail in the back fence. The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence.
Then it gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence. Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper.
The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone. The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said, "You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one.
You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It won't matter how many times you say I'm sorry, the wound is still there.

Just a Couple of Pics

What Happened to Relaxing on the Weekend?

Yesterday started out as a normal day... I got up and got ready for work. Pat was there to pick me up. Got to work early so I had everything ready to go. And now that I'm not smoking I don't need as much time and don't feel as rushed. Then I did my worst call evaluation ever... of a senior agent. Didn't really start the work day off well. Then it was off to a team meeting.... that ended up being a war. Somehow it took me until 5:00 to present that ACE. I really didn't have time to help other teams today. But hey... we met our mandate :o) Took calls... and then went home after work. It was a little more stressful then other days but it had still been pretty routine. I got home and flipped on the TV. Was watching TV and playing on the Net. I was actually planning to go to bed around 1:00... In hindsight it's a good thing I didn't go to bed.

At 3:30 in the morning the fire alarm went off. Now that happened a few times at Times Square and was always a false alarm. I always went outside since I lived on the second floor. Here, it was actually a bigger decision. I figured it was just a false alarm with someone pulling the switch... or burning toast or something. So at first I was just wandering aimlessly and debating whether or not to go outside. I even realized that I could hide in my room and wouldn't hear the alarm. Hence the reason I said it was a good thing I hadn't gone to bed. I stepped out on the balcony to see if I could see anything. And as soon as I looked to the left I saw the rising smoke and it only looked like it was a floor, maybe two beneath me. Then I heard someone yell that there really was a fire. So I grabbed my cell phone, keys, PDA and MacBook since they were all in the path to the door and headed out. I didn't even lock the door since I knew I would be fighting with the door. By the time I reached the third floor I was inhaling smoke so I was trying to breathe as little as possible the rest of the way. I get outside joining other people milling around. Then we all headed across the street, away from the burning building.

One of the first things I thought about was the fact that I don't have insurance. Recently I had been thinking about getting apartment insurance but I don't currently have the $30/month I would need to insure it. My second thought was that Azrael was still in the building. I'm a control freak so not knowing anything really didn't help me. Someone said they thought it was the garbage cans out back... or from the garbage chute. That made me feel a little better... but I'm not sure that explained why at the far side of the building, away from the garbage area I was inhaling smoke 3 floors up...

Someone was calling the fire department right after I got out the door and they were already on their way. Next thing I know there are 3 fire trucks, a couple of ambulances and a number of police cars arriving on the scene. It actually got up to 3 fire trucks, 4 ambulances and 6 police cars.... not including whatever was at the front of the building. The paramedics were handing out th emergency blankets to people that were cold. Fortunately I was out there in a sweatshirt and track pants so I wasn't too bad. Could've used a jacket though since it was lightly raining.

I felt pretty alone and isolated standing on the other side of the street watching the paramedics treating people for smoke inhalation, and the fire department trying to put out the fire. Most people had family out there with them... or their pets.... or friends. I had no one... and Azrael was stuck in the building. Mind you a complete stranger offered me a place to sleep since we were not getting back in the building any time soon. It really is amazing how some people really pull together when something happens. I turned them down since I wanted to make sure Azrael was okay.

I remember looking up at the windows at one point and saw a child's face looking out the window. My heart actually sank at that point. I didn't know if there was a need to be concerned but didn't like the possibility of someone being trapped in the building, especially a child.

Now an hour later I was starting to think I should've taken them up on the offer. I had taken my sleeping pills at 2 am so I just wanted to crawl into bed. I kept thinking that if it was just the garbage then we shouldn't be out there all that long. At 4:30 I was being a smartass and thinking that in the movies the fire department always puts out a fire a lot faster. At about the same time I heard that it was going to be a lot longer before we could go back into the building. A lot of people knew people in one of the other buildings so it cleared out quite a bit. There were only a few people waiting around at the back of the building.

I ended up calling Steve and asked him to pick me up. I didn't want to... but I also didn't want to end up being outside for a few more hours waiting. At this point I have no idea how extensive the damage is. They were trying to clear the smoke out of the building. I walked down to Macs and Steve picked me up there. I was able to get a few hours of shuteye. Steve went by the apartment first thing in the morning and made sure it was locked. The super had gone by and locked all the apartments.

When I came back here it was immediately clear that it was worse then I originally thought. People were saying the fire was out back. I came up to the front door and into the lobby. There was pretty extensive smoke damage. They were working on the floors. The walls were all black. The panel with the buttons for the elevator had been removed. I got off the elevator on the 5th floor and they had blowers in the hallway to get rid of the smoke. You could still smell it in the building. Azrael was a little pissed with me for leaving him. Fortunately, I was high enough that my apartment wasn't affected. But I am still trying to relax now and that is a bit of a challenge.

I was talking to mom earlier today. She asked me if I had grabbed my wallet and my jacket on the way out the door. I was pretty much ready for bed when the alarm went off. It took me about 5 minutes or so to even realize there really was a fire. So, at that point, the last thing I was thinking of was that I should grab money and a jacket to stay dry. I just wanted to get the hell out of the building. I don't even think I followed half the safety rules before I left the building. Well I did check the door handle... but didn't look out the peephole to see if there was any smoke in the hallway. Then I just ran down the stairs to the first floor. Everything turned out okay but I am not sure that I am really going to be relaxed and enjoying my time off work.

When it Rains...

it pours... Ever since I moved to Peterborough it has been anything but easy. Not to say London was easy street but it was a lot smoother then Peterborough has been. About the only good part is the job. Sure there is stress but I have worked there for 3.5 years and it's been pretty stable overall.

I moved to Peterborough because I was homeless and had nowhere to go. Right after I started working here I was homeless again. Spent a week couch surfing at one place and then was couch surfing at another location. That one turned into me getting a bedroom there where I stayed for a little over a year. It was definitely not paradise. I was embarrased to have anyone over to the house. I only had my room to hide in. At one point I had $1000 worth of DVDs stolen and since he was a young offender he just got a warning. I got half of them back but was out the cost of the rest of them. And just before I moved out the landlord's son was stealing from me. I moved into Adam's which wasn't necessarily such a good idea... but I had to get out of there. Eventually I moved to Time Square... and then was I was changing apartments there it went to hell and I ended up here in Talwood. So the housing situation has definitely been a rough road.

My health has also been a rocky road. When I was in London I still had good medical care since I was at school. I had been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and was receiving treatment for it. I was in physiotherapy until I was forced to leave London. The next step would've have been a full treatment program, including aquatherapy. When I moved to Peterborough I lost the health care so the only thing I was getting treated was the flu and bronchitis. When I attempted to get treatment for the fibromylgia I was given a few different answers: "It doesn't exist", "I can't deal with that I am just an ER doctor", and "you will never get treated for it in Peterborough." So 4 years of not bing treated led to a great deal of pain, sheer exhaustion and "brain fog." Fortunately, that is now being treated but my doctor is not in Peterborough. I have to drive to Pickering to see him. In one year I had both pneumonia, the flu, and 4 cases of bronchitis. Lost a lot of time at work... and when I had the flu I lost 20 pounds and I'm not sure I ever completely recovered. I think my health suffered because of the living conditions at the time. The house was filthy and on top of that my landlord was smoking 2 packs a day in the house. Plus I was smoking. Nathan was smoking too... but usually those weren't cigarettes. So the air quality left something to be desired. I'm also wondering if that contributed to Tigger's death. But I'll never know for sure. Even when I was at Times Square the air quality didn't seem to be all that good.

And then there were the relationships.... definitely not stable. The first relationship was with Jamie... who I left for Adam. I'm still amazed that we were together for a year and still don't understand why he stayed. I destroyed that relationship in the end. And I don't think he'll ever tell me why he stayed... Then there was Tristan. I'm not even sure what to say about that relationship other then that it was short-lived. My exhaustion was also playing a role in that relationship. If he spent the night then I was waking up constantly and it was making me even more tired and irritable. But this time that isn't what ended the relationship. He owed money to the wrong people and they threatened to harm me. So he never gave me the chance to decided whether or not to stay... he just bailed. Maybe I should give up on relationships. Been single for 7 months and I doubt that is going to change.

When I first moved to Peterborough the only thing I wanted to do is go back to London. And now I've been here for almost 4 years. There are some days I wish I had just gone back to London and taken my chances. I don't know if I would've been better off... but at least some of what has happened since I moved here wouldn't have (No stalker... No date rape... etc.) Regardless I can't take it back... I can only look to the future.