Quote of the Day

"He's not a stalker he's helpful." I think that is now one of my new favourite quotes. Some of you may be aware (or maybe not) of my stalker situation. If not well it all started back in 2003 when I made the mistake of being friendly with someone at work. He seemed to assume that it meant I wanted him when I was being nice. 3 relationships (with other men obviously since dating the president of your fan club is not a good thing... oh wait I did that too with a different guy but that's another story) and he still didn't get the hint that I wasn't interested. He'd follow me to the bar and what not. I pretty much stopped going out. But since he wasn't going away I would make use of him. Trying to make the best out of a bad situation.

Skip ahead to recent events. He has been more negative then usual and I didn't want it around me. More importantly he was on an escalation path. Left nasty voicemail when I didn't immediately call him back. It was all about guilt and manipulation. Would show up randomly. A couple of weeks ago though it hit an all new low. He showed up here with a package. This one I was expecting. I was having issues with the other computer. I made the mistake of telling him that. Now I was trying to just relax and not deal with it. But suddenly he was throwing his jacket on the ground and was cursing. I don't think I had ever seen him so angry. And he was about to rip the computer apart thinking it was hardware. Now I had figured that it wasn't but he just wouldn't let it go. I had my back to him and was starting to think something was going to come flying at me. And I really didn't want to troubleshoot.... or have him here. So I said not to worry about it (well I repeated that numerous times while he was here) and said that I was going to bed shortly. So he stormed off. For the first time in a long time I was afraid in my own place. I was pretty shell shocked actually. And I did not get an early night. Even had a friend get really concerned about my well being.

So since then I have not answered his calls or answered when he has shown up here. I ended up missing 2 days off work largely because of stress (not just about that but it certainly hasn't helped). I've felt anxiety with the thought that he's checking to see if the lights are on. I have no idea when he will show up or contact me next.

I was trying to tell mom about the experience and she said, "He's not a stalker, he's helpful." Being helpful is his way in. It's how he keeps control over me. And when I said that he shows up randomly she just said that some friends do that. Yes and real friends don't abuse that privilege. Real friends don't use manipulation... power... and control.... Real friends don't take advantage of the situation when you're drunk... Real friendship doesn't come with strings attached. So just to continue on the other day I asked mom to take me out shopping since I don't drive. She asked if I was talking to him. I said no, that I was ignoring his calls. She told me not to because he's helpful and is such a good friend. Yeah great friend... with friends like that you don't need enemies.

I don't understand it.... I don't understand why she would defend him and not be out to protect me. But there are a lot of things there that I don't understand.... and I am not about to delve into that relationship since this is a public blog. I'm just going to shake my head and keep repeating, "I don't understand..."