Saturday, December 30, 2006

Speaking of Cats


Azrael is currently curled up on the futon beside me... He is really enjoying having me home and not doing any work... Azrael has been getting plenty of attention from me today and he just runs over me. He is not the most gentle cat. But he is still my baby....

The Cat's Ass


I don't think I have ever laughed so hard at a Christmas present... It comes with a Field Guide for identifying your cat by, you got it, their ass. It even has samples and a place for you to draw them in. The glossary is also entertaining. Their definition of cat: "Smallish, furry, four-legged animal similar to a dog, but not." And if the book wasn't entertaining enough there arge magnets as well. And as a surprise there is a hairball magnet. *lol* If you want good laugh it is quite entertaining.

Apartment Repairs

After my visit to the hospital I wrote a nasty letter to the building management. Well okay I was still professional but am really frustrated about the fact they haven't fixed the heat. I threatened to go to the tribunal if they didn't fix it. I dropped it off before work and shortly after I got home the superintendent stopped by. He was commenting on the fact I am never home. I have no life... but I do have a job. Now that might be hard to imagine since this is a ghetto building but still. I used to work as a rental agent. I know that they can call or leave a note on the door to let me know they are coming in to do the repairs. So they told me they were bringing in the plumber on Friday. So the plumber was here.... and in all honesty I am not sure what they did or how they figured it was fixed. Last night I turned the thermostat on full and the temperature didn't change.... Then I turned it all the way down and again it didn't change. So what exactly was fixed? *sigh* Maybe they need to get another plumber.... Will it ever actually be fixed?

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Present for the Boss


I think I should take a poll...Is the HHR (seen above) a:

1. Mini-van
2. Truck
3. SUV
4. Car
5. Hearse

Now that I might bias the results... One of the guys on the team believes it looks like a mini-van and feels like a mini-van so it must be a mini-van. So he called Christie the soccer mom with the mini-van and we're the neglected children. After spending all evening working on the Photoshop image I just had to post it... Part 2 will be coming later... I need more time to finish that one. So Christie... be afraid... be very afraid.... *lol*

My Second Home

Yesterday I went to work and had made the decision that I was heading down to the ER after work. Suzanne called (thanks again for the heart attack) to wish me a Merry Christmas and in 30 minutes I drank 5 glasses of water. Then I almost vomited because I drank too much water. But my lips were still dry and cracked. Nothing I did had any effect. When I woke up yesterday morning my eyes were so dry they hurt. About halfway through the day I was talking myself out of going figuring they were just going to tell me to drink more water. But my boss told me to go... So I did. I spent 4 hours at the ER (which almost seems like my second home... okay maybe my third... work comes in second) last night. They ruled out diabetes which was good news. My white blood cell count is also back to normal. The doctor said "dehydration is all relative" and just thought it was the dry heat. His advice: Drink Gatorade or Powerade because it has a higher sodium content. And if it doesn't improve to check back in with my family doctor. While I was there I spent $5 on water. I drank 1.5 litres just waiting on the doctor. Most people probably don't think that sounds like a lot,... but considering I am only 90 pounds. I shouldn't need a lot of water to stay hydrated. On the average day right now I am drinking 10 glasses of water and 2-3 cans of Coke. I know the Coke isn't good for you... but contrary to popular belief it does not deydrate you. It is a diuretic so I do have to keep that in mind.... So the good news is that I'm not diabetic... the bad news is that I'm not sure how to get to the point where I am actually not feeling dehydrated.

Monday, December 25, 2006

Merry Christmas

Just wanted to wish everyone a Merry Christmas! I hope that you are all spending time with loved ones or perhaps are like me and are online checking blogs and using email to stay connected. So whatever you are doing this holiday season I wish you all the best. :o)

Sunday, December 24, 2006

Learning to Say No

I felt this deserved an entire post and not just a reply to the comment. So Sarah I hope you don't mind but I am posting it here... I'm guessing you don't since anyone can read the comments any ways...

"I have a book on my shelf called "Choosing to Cheat". It is about how we only have 100% to give, and each area of our life can only get a certain percentage of that. We have to 'choose to cheat' by deciding where our priorities lie, and then give less to some areas (thus cheating) and more to others , so that we give the right amount in the various areas overall. My take, is that if you give more than 100% in a day, then really you're just taking out an advance on a future days 100%, and eventually you run out of available advances so you crash. Sometimes we go through seasons where we are consistently required to give more than 100%.... but to balance that our we MUST make space in our lives for days when we give less than 100%, otherwise we crash and burn and then we have nothing to give at all. SO - Take care of yourself! Do whatever you have to, to be well. Explore strange possibilities (like EFT) and do strange things (like say 'no' sometimes). Your job is not worth your health. Be good Heather! I am praying for you. Sarah"
I've been giving a lot of thought to these comments. The last couple of weeks have brought a great deal of frustration. I hit the wall and crashed and burned. It's going to take a while to recover and get healthy again. And Sarah was right... the job isn't worth my health. I almost quit for that reason.

The biggest realization I had is that I need to learn to say "No" more often. I can't do everything nor should I try to. It's like a pay day advance... It catches up with you at some point and then you just can't pay it off. I was giving so much at work that I had nothing left for anything else.

Now it's time to prioritize... but this time with more realistic priorities. Time to cheat some areas and create more of a balance. And thanks for reminding me of the EFT. I went to the web site the last time you had posted it here and then got sidetracked (I blame the ADD *LOL*) and forgot about it. Time to check it out again. Life really is about balance.

Magic 8-Ball

Now that I am bringing back memories of the 80's. Some of you may have already heard about my hunt for the 8-ball. It all started a couple of weeks ago. One of the managers and I were talking about calls. Keep in mind that we do tech support.... The analogy was given that if we do not explain HOW we resolve the issue then it's like using a magic 8-ball to give the answer. And thus the quest was born. I'm actully amazed at how many times I can use the 8-ball in an analogy at work.

So what happened with the quest? Store after store did not carry them. The only one that did was Wal Mart and they were sold out. I went there a few times but still no stock. Finally I ordered one online... well 2 actually. The next day I came in and Christie had an early Christmas present for me. She had bought me one :o) Apparently Toys 'R Us on a Friday night near Christmas time is not a good idea. Christie's short enough though that she might be mistaken for one of the kids in there with their parents. *lol* It was sweet of her... Of course when the order comes in I'll have an abundance. One is already spoken for... and the other I am sure I can make use of. Either have one at home or give it to someone else at work.

Who knew that the 80's would actually bring something useful. But it's entertaining and actually instructional as well. Christie always seems to give me the coolest gifts :o)

Saturday, December 23, 2006

Tiger Woods 2007

I am currently reminding myself how addictive Tiger Woods golf games are... Aside from grocery shopping that is all I've done today. It involves me taking it easy and resting so it's not a bad thing. What I have always found about the Tiger Woods series is that there is always so much to do. It's not the kind of game that you will have completed in a couple of hours. And it's about as close as I am going to get to actually playing golf...

My Protector

Azrael seems to like being my guardian. With me being sick he is taking advantage of it and spending lots of time with me. When I wake up in the morning he is curled up beside me. And at night he'll curl up on the futon with me. It's almost like he is trying to protect me. The superintendant said that Azrael came at him. Now Azrael is not a social animal... There are very few people he even likes or will approach. But there was one day when the superintendant did not give me notice or even knock before entering. I know because I woke up to someone in the apartment. So I am wondering if that was the day and Azrael was being the watch cat. He does get bent out of shape when strangers are over... especially when I don't want them here. It's like he can sense that. Nice to know I have an attack cat. Too bad he's not that big or menacing. Maybe I do need a guard dog. Nah... I'll stick with Azrael.

Heat and Humidity

As I mentioned in another post they still have not fixed the heat. I reported it and Jim told me he was going to come by and take a look. Said something about bringing in an electrician. I talked to him last weekend and he said that he would either come by before I go to work in the morning or today, being my day off. Doesn't even show up. Now maybe it is just me... but I would think it needs to be addressed immediately. The thermostat is not controlling the heat. As long as it is mild outside, which fortunately it has been, the temperature remains above 70 degrees. However, if the temperature gets cold outside the temperature drops and there is no way to control it.

I'm not sure if it's related but it is also really, really dry in my apartmentl. I bought an 11 gallon humidifier with a digital readout. When I first connected it the humidity level was 22 per cent. The humidity level is typically between 30% and 50%. Within 8 hours it had gone through about 5 gallons of water. In the last 3 hours I think I have drank an entire pitcher of water... something I don't normally do. Usually my water is flavoured and carbonated... But I still feel like I am in a desert.

Needless to say this is affecting my health since I am dehydrated... It's also costing me money. The humidifier wasn't cheap. In the summer I will need to replace the air conditioner as well. And when it does get cold then I have to run the space heater...

I just wish I wasn't such a doormat. I really shouldn't be so nice and should really push the issue. I have lived here for almost 9 months now and the heating has never worked properly. They were lazy and did not fix it when I first moved in and have done a half-assed job since then. I have reported it to them numerous times and yet it continues to be an issue. I have a signed lease. And as part of the landlord-tenant act I have the right to maintenance. Not only that but I have the right to repairs being done in a timely matter.

I think that I will write one more letter to get it addressed. If not resolved then I will take it to the tribunal and let the courts decide. Maybe then I could even get them to cover the costs of the air conditioner and the humidifier... Or maybe that is just a dream. In the meantime I am definitely hoping the warm weather continues.

When the Government Calls

I've decided that whenever someone from the government calls there is a certain amount of paranoia that goes with it, especially when you are not entirely sure why they are calling. Yesterday I was at work and my phone went off. The first time it was just the daily call from a telemarketer. Then it was a 416 number. Then it was Suzanne calling. I finally get a chance to listen to my messages and someone was calling from the Ministry of Community and Social Services. Before you ask I still don't know wht they actually wanted. All I know is that they called Suzanne because the number they had for me was not correct. I suspect that it has to do with my open adoption search. That's the only thing that makes any sense. I'm really curious if they do have new information.... since right now I know virtually nothing. Looks like I'll be waiting until after the holidays to find out though. Sorry Suzanne, still no news on that front.

Falling off the Face of the Planet

I keep thinking that I should be updating my blog... My silence hasn't been because I don't have anything to say. Anyone that knows me knows that isn't possible *lol* I have been trying to take it easy and get better. I still don't feel 100% and am really battling dehydration. They still ahve not fixed the heat and even with the humidifier I still find it pretty dry and can't seem to get enough fluids. So rather then be on my computer I decided to just rest when I got home from work and watch TV. It has been a nice break. Made me realize just how dependant I was on technoloy but also how much time I spend online. I am actually thinking I need to make better use of my time and get away from it more often.

Sunday, December 17, 2006

Mac Truck

I feel like I've been run over by a Mac truck. I knew I had been pushing myself way too hard at work and now I am paying the price. I should've known it was only a matter of time. Ever had the flu? You know how you feel like you have NO energy? It takes all of your strength just to get out of bed and you make it about as far as the couch and that's it. You don't want to cook... eat... or do anything else. Really the only thing that you want to do is go back to bed because there is no pain. But it's not just a lack of energy. There is also the pain. All my muscles also hurt. They are reminding me that I need to pace myself. You can't just give 110% all the time and keep it up. Eventually you will crack and that is exactly what happened. Hopefully I can learn from this. But it usually takes me a few tries to learn something. I have a thick skull. And I don't know any other way. I don't know how not to give it my all.

Saturday, December 16, 2006

Dreams and the Subconscious

They say that dreams are a part of the subconscious.... the deep thoughts no longer contained. Basically dreams are part of Freud's id. They are the unconscious wishes manifested. It has also been said that dreams are the path through which we process information and make sense of things. Your mind takes the building blocks of the day and puts them together.

Most nights I do not remember my dreams. Just darkness. Last night I was dreaming about work. That really isn't a surprise since that is what has been on my mind of late. I don't remember much of the dream... All I really remember is waking up because I was sleeping on my hand and it was completely numb.

I can still remember another dream I had about work. It was back when my desk was at the main door. Someone went postal and started shooting. I could hear the shots from out in the hallway and ended up hiding under my desk. I woke up as they came in the main door and opened fire. It was definitely a dream that will stay with me. I'm guessing I wasn't too happy with work at the time... but that's just a guess. It wasn't me that went postal... so I guess it's actually more likely I felt targeted.

There was another dream I had about a serial killer. I'm thinking I watch too many shows like CSI and Criminal Minds. Whoever the killer was they changed their MO each time to avoid detection and to avoid getting caught. The signature was that each kill was different. But in each instance I was the victim... so I kept dying. The last one was poison which takes time to take effect. I just remember the killer saying that I knew what was going to happen because they had killed me before. Even though it's a dream it's still freaky to know you're going to die and just be waiting for it. The poison had already taken affect and I was just about to die when I woke up.

I think waking up before dying in a dream is a protective measure but it is an urban myth that if you do die in a dream that you really do die. I know Adam can attest to that. Now I don't think it's healthy to die in your dream... and to die and be resurrected... but there is no evidence that your dreams can really kill you.

Fatigue

I think everything has finally caught up with me... I am really fatigued right now. I knew the Fibromyalgia was being aggravated and now I am really feeling it. I've spent much of the afternoon crashed on the futon. Dinner became whatever I didn't have to cook. Buying a deep fryer was one of the best things I could've done. I get really frustrated like this... because I feel really weak. I'm used to being fairly active and able to get work done so it's tough to be KO'd and not able to do much. It is a reminder that I do need to pace myself and know my limits. Otherwise this is the end result.... I crash and burn... and it takes a few days to recover.

Toothache

I do have some good news to report today. So far the toothache has not returned. From the look of it when they filled the cavity they finally got rid of the pain. It seems like whenever they do work on my lower teeth they end up causing pain from the injections. This time they were working on the left hand side which isn't as bad but it still hurts to open my jaw. That should go away in a few days since I don't think there is any nerve damage.

Overworked & Underappreciated

Based on my last post it would be easy to say that I am just angry about the promotion... Which is sort of true. I don't agree with my PDR (the annual review) being held against me but that has been a losing battle since I got it in July. I wanted to fight it then... and every time it has come up since then. But I can accept the fact I need more time and let it go.

What I really have an issue with right now is the combination of the workload and just not feeling like I am appreciated. One of the biggest de-motivators is when you do not feel appreciated. It is frustrating when you start hearing negative comments and no positive ones.

Along with that is the workload. I put in a great deal of my own time so that we meet our mandate. I come in day after day... Aside from my Friday I didn't even have time to take a break or have something to eat. Needless to say that is really taxing. Plus last weekend I was doing work from home. I have been working myself to death. People don't see what a toll it takes. I come home too exhausted to do anything. I've also been sick lately which doesn't help. Combine that with the Fibromyalgia and I'm in rough shape. All I really want is some breathing room at work.... Where I don't feel like I am on the go the entire time. Even more then that I would really like to be able to take a break... that "me" time that I am entitled to. Or not feel like I can't call in sick...

I've been trying to get some face time with my supervisor for about a week now and it hasn't happened. Now it's just going to look like I am whining and bitter about the promotion. It's all about timing. She makes time for everyone else... And I just don't force the issue. Now it might be too late.

Now I think it's about time I get some rest. All my muscles are aching right now... reminding me that I didn't pace myself. Time to throw on a movie... or watch some basketball and focus on something other then work. I am sure Azrael will help with that. Otherwise it's just going to be a viscious circle and I'll be in rough shape quite quickly.

Friday, December 15, 2006

Frustrations From Work

This week has been a huge source of frustration for me at work... I don't think anything went my way. I'll start with the team manager position. Once again I did not get an interview. My annual review continues to hold me back. And now it's a catch-22. If I go on the defensive then it looks bad. But there are certain things I do not agree with. If I could've I would have fought my annual review. It was a personal attack. Even Christie will say that it's a night and day difference since my LOA. Which brings up another point... that review was based on the 7 months before my leave of absence. Logically, either I needed the LOA (for medical or psychological reasons) or I didn't. If I didn't need it then I should not have had to leave... and I was walking myself out the door. If I did need it then is it fair to still hold it against me? Maybe that should be taken into consideration. I have been back to work for 9.5 months now (which is longer then my annual review was even based on) and have not given them any reason to doubt my abilities. What more can I possibly do to prove myself? So it's frustrating to be held back. It would be one thing if I had at least got an interview and didn't get the position.... but to not even get that far. I can't help but wonder if I will ever be able to apply. Christie said to wait until after my next review... which is 2.5 months away.

John has been in training all week. That meant that I was responsible for all of his Aces. On Monday he would've been able to help out but after making the mistake of painting without ventilation he called in sick. With the days off I had that meant that 6 Aces had to be done that day or we would not meet the mandate. I sent out an email and no one responded. I finally got a team manager to change my schedule to give me more time. The next day an email went out from the site director indicating that PCs were not to have their phone time removed. Christie came back a couple of days later and sent out an email asking who had helped out. My reply was noone. Well then a couple of people suddenly volunteered their time to help out. I didn't get back to one of them because their email just said to give them the names and extensions of the agents. By then it was a moot point. My original email specifically said they needed to be done that day. They freaked out because they had offered their help and I didn't get back to them. They took it up with their manager who then went to my manager about it. So then I had to explain it and they made me look bad.

Not to mention the workload this week... With new agents and what not the time it takes to do an evaluation goes up. I think the average call was about 45 minutes. For the first 4 days I didn't have time to do anything except the evaluations. I didn't even have time for lunch. I was eating one meal a day as a result. That's not fair to me. Not to mention the fact I've been sick for the last couple of weeks but I come in to meet the mandate. I shouldn't have to feel like I HAVE to be there and can't take the time off to get better. So just from trying to get everything done my stress level has greatly increased.

And if I didn't have enough work to do.... I missed an email from another performance coach where they wanted replies from everyone and I then missed the deadline for it. I got strongly told that I better get it in... I'm sorry... but cut me some slack... I haven't even had time to take a break... or do half the things I want to...

If that wasn't enough I also made the mistake of talking to another performance coach about an agent since that person was being transferred to their team. I will fully admit that it should have been taken off the floor but it was dead and they were waiting for one of their agents. They didn't suggest it either. Someone complained and I got written up. Teach me not to talk to anyone... or try and be nice to give them the heads up. I will freely admit that I was in the wrong but it really did not help me any this week.

I can't even remember the last time I got any sort of appreciation at work. Lately it has all been negative. I rarely see my team manager and I've asked to talk to her a few times now and got no response. Initiative is not rewarded. I work my ass off and don't even get a job well done. After the week I have had it's becoming more and more difficult to be motivated to go to work. After all... no matter what I do it's still not good enough. Between the fatigue that comes from working yourself to death... the amount of work I've had to do... and thinking about my last review it's led me to be in tears every night. Picture me in tears.... I haven't felt like this in a year.... All I know is that something has to change. I just haven't figured out what that is yet.... Short of quitting.... I'm hoping for another option.

Dental Work

I went to the dentist today to get the cavities filled and a pin put in my tooth. There's a big groove in the back of one of my teeth but apparantly they didn't feel the need to fill that in while they were at it. It had been bothering me for quite some time. All day there has been a great deal of pain from the freezing and the work that was being done. I've been popping Advil all day. So I can't tell if that pain will be gone and only time will tell. So far it has cost me $16 for the work... If I had've known that this much of it would've been covered I wouldn't have waited so long. But there is still some work to be done... I am back in on Monday to have the scaling done. Then in January I am in having a new night guard made. I also have to have surgery done on the gum lines... and it's already time for my next check up. So I am pretty sure I'll be using up the $2000 again this year.

I was reminded today why Azrael is my baby. He has been a big suck all day. He gets like this when I am sick... or in pain. Okay truth be told he's a big suck any time I am home all day... He just loves the attention. Right now he is curled up on the futon beside me. In fact it's almost time to curl up with him again.

Heating Nightmare

So it's still 80 degrees in the apartment and I am concerned about the health effects. I am also concerned about the potential for a cold streak which would actually drive the temperature update. As an update I told the superintendant today and he said he would have the electrician come in. But he refuses to come in with the cat... Who knew Azrael was such a watch cat? I have never had the superintendent not come in because of a pet... And it's not like you can just put off a repair like this. What if it really was an emergency? They would demand that I be home? Hopefully this time around they actually fix it since this is BS. I pay rent for a reason... and that means timely repairs. I have had to nag them repeatedly over the last 7.5 months and it still hasn't been fixed properly. It's pretty frustrating... and right now I don't need any more frustrations.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Health Woes

'Tis the season for everyone to be sick... I think I am still battling something at the moment. Now the toothache might be playing a role in the sinus congestion but I'm not sure. All I know is that I am dehydrated and congested. I'm having issues breathing. I think I go through half a box of Kleenex a day. Even at work the air seems really dry. I'm also really fatigued as a result. Right now it's midnight and I could go to bed now... if I didn't have some work to do any ways. In the morning I don't want to get up. I just want to sleep. Zzzzzz Zzzzzzz Zzzzzzzz

The heat here hasn't helped anything. They came in on Friday to fix it. They welded the controller back on. But the heat seems to be inconsistent at best. There was a cold streak so the heat had dropped below 70 degrees. It was cold to the point I needed a blanket to stay warm. No wonder I am sick at the moment. I had to crank the heat all the way to get the heat back up. Now it seems to be about 22-23 no matter where the temperature is set to. I haven't turned it completely off to test but I suspect the result will be the same.

I'm trying not to call in sick since it will affect my holiday pay and my vacation pay. But I may not have a choice. The good news is that if I do need to call in sick I am working extra hours over Christmas and will get paid for the sick days. But for now... time to drink some more water and use the saline nasal spray I have to try and get rid of this cold.

Monday, December 11, 2006

Dentist

The countdown continues until I will be at the dentist. I never thought I would see the day when I am looking forward to seeing a dentist. I am not looking forward to being up first thing in the morning on Thursday but then I hate mornings. And I am not looking forward to being up in the morning on my day off. But I really want to get this work done. It has been a long time in coming. I'm not sure I want to know what it's going to cost me since I don't have the estimate here but it's worth it. The last time I really had any work done was back in 2002 when I had my wisdom teeth out. And I don't think I had any cavities filled back then. So this really is long overdue. I also just found out the insurance company is going to cover my nightguard. That is fantastic news. I didn't think they were going to. Once I get that replaced I'll stop grinding my teeth as much, especially when I sleep and should notice less pain in my jaw and neck. Only 4 days to go.... And at least the day I have the major work done I will be off work. So I won't have to worry about the freezing being in or the pain... well I will... but I won't be at work at the time. I might be sleeping it off at home or something but I won't be taking it out on anyone.

Holiday Hours

I figured it was about time I post my holiday schedule... looks like I won't be seeing my family at all.. at least not on Boxing Day as planned :o(

December 22 - OFF
December 23 - OFF
December 24 - 10:00 to 6:30
December 25 - 10:00 to 6:30
December 26 - 9:00 to 5:30
December 27 - 9:00 to 5:30
Dcember 28 - 9:00 to 5:30
December 29 - OFF
December 30 - OFF

Monday, December 04, 2006

Heating Woes Continued

My heating issues seem to be continuing... The air conditioner is definitely not sounding so healthy. I'm still having trouble with congestion and dehydration. It's still about 85 degrees in here. But this morning I did have Jim wake me up. He is planning on coming in to fix the heat. On Friday he is going to come in and do the welding. He wants me to be there. Apparently Azrael is a little protective of the place when mommy is not around. I never knew he was an attack cat *lol* It's funny because normally he is pretty anti-social... He'd rather hide then visit. I have trouble picture him going on the attack. He is lazy after all. And as it turns out they had me move the movie shelf instead of the bookshelf the last time around. They picked the wrong side of the wall. So by Friday I have to move all the books and the bookshelf. I am really not looking forward to that. For those people that have seen it I have a TON of books and magazines. It is going to be a real pain in the ass to move. And then I get to move it back. All I can say is that on Friday they better fix the heat. I am sick and tired of living with this. I pay for repairs to be done. I want them done. Hopefully on Friday that will be the case.

10 Days + 1

Now that I have the money from my RRSP I finally called the dentist. At the end of last week there was suddenly a great deal of pain. I had a canker sore and cut my tongue on the rough edge of my tooth. I'm not sure if I chipped the tooth or cracked it, or what. Either way it is making me miserable. That much pain is causing me to be in agony. I just want it to stop. I got an appointment in 10 days but that is for the smaller cavity. The other one is for the next day. I could've made one sooner but it would make me late for work. Tomorrow I am going to call them back and see if it is still available. Either I will be making up the time later or will call in sick if necessary. I really need to get this taken care of. I'm not doing anyone any favours by coming into work like this. I'm almost at the point of taking T3s. And that is something I never do. I really don't like the idea of living with this for 11 more days. The only reason it took me this long to get it taken care of was money. I had to wait until at least August before my insurance kicked in again. But then with interest relief and my fight with them I didn't have any money. So now I have the money to get it taken care of. I am also going to see about getting my nightguard replaced. It's going to depend on how much (if any) the insurance will cover and how much is left outstanding. I think I should be okay but we'll see. The other advantage is tax time. If I spend over $700 on medical expenses I can claim it on my taxes. Between the chiropractor, prescriptions and the dentist I will be over that amount. But step one is to get the appointment and get my tooth fixed.

I Got Nothing

For the other two presents I had some secondary comment... but really I got nothing. I mean, here is a nice picture of a Coca-Cola sign in Toronto. But there's nothing really philosophical about Coca-Cola... no deep meaning...

Well I suppose if I really wanted to reach I could point out that Coca-Cola was originally marketed as a patent medication. I'm still trying to imagine what exactly Coca-Cola was going to cure. That might go along with the second fact. Originally there were trace amounts of cocaine in the tasty beverage. Maybe that is why it is so addictive.

Birthday Presents, Part 3

And now for the last present from Christie. When she came over she seemed to think I didn't have enough on the walls. It was mainly in the bedroom where I will fully admit there isn't much there. But then I am normally only in my bedroom if I am on my way to bed. So I don't really notice. But it's a collector metal sign. Goes nicely with the antique cooler that I have. Thanks Christie... Now I just need to figure out exactly where to hang it :o)

Joyful Heart Foundation


My recent birthday present reminded me of the Joyful Heart Foundation. It was founded by Mariska Hargity of Law & Order: Special Victim Units fame. It's nice to see a celebrity that goes above and beyond for charity. What makes Joyful Heart Foundation different is that it focuses on healing the mind, body and spirit after a sexual assault. There are a couple of things that I find really interesting. Well mainly the fact it's not traditional therapy. There is a reason that I have a picture of a dolphin there. They do retreats and include dolphin therapy. Studies have shown that dolphins aid in the healing from depression, and for physical ailments as well. In traditional therapy there is usually a focus on either the mind, the body or the spirit. Maybe that is why traditional therapy doesn't have that great a success rate. The Joyful Heart Foundation also does things like art therapy, massage therapy, guided writing, and yoga. My dream job would be a counsellor there... or in a similar setting. Hey I can dream can't I?

Birthday Presents, Part 2

And now for the second birthday present from Christie. I can't believe that she actually remembers my interest in dolphins. Most of the time I forget *lol* But they are such peaceful creatures. I just hope Azrael doesn't destroy it but for now it's in a safe place. I'm beginning to think Christie wanted to liven up my apartment and add some actual colour to it. Now I just need to pick up a candle for it. Then I'm all set... and try not to torch the place. After all being evacuated is not that fun and I don't need any more jokes about animal cruelty and leaving Azrael behind in the last fire.

And now back to the dolphins *lol* Ever since I was a kid I had an interest in dolphins. I've always wanted to go swim with them. It's something I still haven't done. Maybe one of these days I will actually be able to take that tropical vacation and fulfill that lifelong dream. But until then I have this present to remind me.

Syntax - Destiny

This is my Destiny only child
come on and rescue me 'cos I'm wild
this is my selection when I'm sure
not looking for deception like before

Beautiful creation I adore
this sensation never.. felt before

How can i change the path that I'm on
this is my Destiny
this is my life my own right or wrong
bring it on back to me
How can i say what it is that i want
wisdom speak to me
Life your sweet then the moment is gone

This is my Destiny

This is my intention hear me now
don't need correction please me how
breaking out the institution crazy law
aint no complication live for more

This is my Destiny only child
come on and rescue me 'cos I'm wild

Sunday, December 03, 2006

Birthday Presents, Part 1


Here is part of my birthday present from Christie. In case you're wondering they are both magnets. She always has quite the sense of timing... It's weird actually. And yet she calls me the stalker *LOL* Last year she gave me a Lapis Lazuli, a protective stone. It came at a time when I really needed it. It was a rough year... and around this time last year I was wondering if things could get any worse. Never ask that question. They did... but 2006 has been a much better year. But things have been looking up. Lately I have been giving more thought to the future and where I want to be. I'm 28 now and while I do love my job I want more. I'm kind of greedy that way. I am continually challenging myself to do better.

Since we all know I like wikipedia... it defines destiny as "a predetermined course of events. It may be conceived as a predetermined future, whether in general or of an individual. It is a concept based on the belief that there is a fixed natural order to the universe."

What is your destiny?

In Sickness and in Health

Okay so I'm not taking wedding vows. That would require having someone to marry. *lol* But I am currently feeling under the weather. I called in sick on Friday and slept for 13 hours. Today I got up but really did not have any energy. I almost fell asleep watching TV earlier today. I'm hoping tomorrow I feel better. I can't afford to be sick. And I really don't want to be visiting the doctor at all.

As a side note my tooth is also really bothering me now. It's either chipped or cracked. I cut my tongue on it already. I called the dentist yesterday but they were off until Monday. Not like I really want to be spending that kind of money at the dentists either... but I don't have a choice. Why is going to the dentist so expensive? Even with 100% coverage I still wind up paying a pretty penny for it. Too bad dental implants are even more expensive.... Otherwise I'd consider just getting implants. In the long run I wonder how it compares... $25000 (approximately) for the implants.. but hey you're pretty much set for life. Not surprisingly, it is not covered by insurance. But hey if I ever win the lottery and am wondering what to spend my money on... I just might consider it.

Games Night

After my shopping trip tonight I am really thinking that I need to have a games night at my apartment. I have 2 TVs so it wouldn't be that diffcult. I ended up picking up 2 more games tonight: 24 and Nascar. 24 sort of reminded me of Clue on a deadline. I also have a few different versions of Scene It: Movies, TV and James Bond. I have the Lord of the Rings Monopoly. Not that I would ever want to play it but I have Trivial Pursuit: Pop Culture. Last, but not least, I have CSI. If you exclude board games I also have a tournament poker set. All the things you need for a games night. Well okay the munchies are also good to have. But we'll see... I never seem to do all that well for planning. I need someone else to organize it. I'm just the host *lol*

Work Christmas Party

Next weekend is the work Christmas party. I work the next day so best not to be completely intoxicated... Calling in sick the next day is somewhat frowned upon. It's not like I've really been drinking any ways so I really shouldn't have anything to worry about. Social hour is at 6:30. Translation: Meet and drink... and time to drink. Then dinner is at 7:30. I invited Adam to go with me... a decision that a few people have already questioned me about. They seem to think it was a bad idea. But we are still friends. And besides now I have a "date" and a bodyguard. How can you go wrong with that? The stalker will be there as well... so I'm hoping between Adam and Wayne I'll get left alone. Well worth the $10 it cost me for Adam's ticket.

Saturday, December 02, 2006

Gentleman Start Your Engines...



Nascar is coming to Canada!!! It was only a matter of time since they bought Cascar. It looks like the first race will be held in Montreal in August 2007. Guess who is going to be there? That's right.... I'm heading off to Montreal and actually taking a vacation. I think the last vacation I actually took was in 2001 when I went out to BC. I figure I am long over due. Now that I quit smoking... and things are going well... I wanted to reward myself. Funny thing is that I used to think that car racing was one of the stupidest sports. And then Tammy got me into watching it. So it's kind of cool that I will be there with Tammy. I also bought Christie a ticket since I knew she would want to go and I owe her a birthday present (for the last 4 years *lol*) and a Christmas present. Apparantly it will be the first time she is out of Ontario.... I'm kind of scared now. Good thing I am taking a GPS unit with me. It's still a long way off but the ticket is already paid for. Just have to book the hotel and save the spending money. I'm already excited about it. I just have to make sure that I get the vacation time approved.... Since I am taking my boss with me I can't really call in sick. *lol*

It's a Busch race so some people aren't as excited about it. They wanted to see a Nextel race. But you know what... it's all about the experience. It's in Canada... It's a vacation... and it will hopefully be a good race. No matter where your tickets are (unless they are general admission) you have access to a big screen to watch the race on. For more information just check out their web site here. And just imagine hearing that familiar phrase... "Gentleman, start your engines."

Pet Peeve

One of my pet peeves is people that are not reliable. Maybe this is because I am a control freak. Or maybe it's because if someone asks me to do something they can count on me to get it done. So I expect that in other people. I expect that if they say they are going to do something... or are going to be somewhere that it's going to happen. Maybe I have too much faith in other people. Today Steve was supposed to give me a call since I had errands to run. I got up and then spent most of the day waiting. I wasn't feeling well which didn't help. I didn't want to start anything in case he wanted to go then. After all I was depending on him. He didn't call until after 6:00. By the time I got the errands done I didn't have time to do anything else. So most of my day ended up being wasted and I am back to work tomorrow. I had a lot that I wanted to get done... but now it's going to have to wait. Some people...

Friday, December 01, 2006

Celebrity Self-Injury




Recently newspapers reported that Lindsay Lohan had scratches on her arm and there were "concerns she is a victim of self harm." The headline was "Self harm fears over Lindsay's scars." Another article said that she was "accused of being a cutter." I realize that people want the latest celebrity gossip and that any news will sell. Maybe it's more of a witchhunt. One that wants to out Lindsay as a cutter.

But there is another issue with these statements. There is already a huge stigma surrounding self injury. Calling someone a "victim of self-harm" makes it sound like it's something that happened to them. And accusing someone of self-injury just reinforces the stigma and makes it sound like it's the worst thing you could do.

Plastering pictures of what may (or may not) be self-inflicted scars has no positive benefit. It just reinforces the shame a self-injurer feels. But for someone that is young and impressionable it can also lead someone to choose self-injury. After all celebrities are role models and people will mimic their behaviour. Plus the pictures are sensationable and can be triggering for people that do self-injure.

My question... who cares? Maybe she fell in the bushes as has been claimed or maybe she really does cut herself. It is none of our business. At the end of the day Lindsay Lohan is a person and whatever she needs to do to cope should be her decision. Plastering photos in numerous newspapers and across the internet does not help. *If* she is cutting herself then what she needs is support and help to find better ways of coping and to deal with what is the reason behind it.

Having said that... there are worse things that she could be doing. Now sometimes self injury is a symptom of a mental disorder and that definitely should be examined. Self-injury is typically a controlled response used to regain balance when things feel out of control. In some cases it is to prevent suicide from becoming an option... Society seems to have the idea that it's linked to suicide but it's almost the opposite. It's about regaining control. All I can say, as someone that is all too familiar with self injury (and can't even imagine having pictures of my cuts plastered all over) leave her be!

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Landlord - Tenants Act

I am really beginning to wonder what my superintendant does all day. I have lived here since May 1. Pretty soon that will be 7 months. When I first moved in the heat was 90 degrees. I went down to complain and they said there were a few apartments having heat issues and left it at that. A month later they turned off the heat to the entire building. it was their way of not dealing with it. took them 2 months to deal with any of the other issues. Shortly after I moved in I had to get an air conditioner from Steve and it has been running ever since. Needless to say air conditioners are not meant to run for extended periods of time like this. So now the air conditioner is dying. It is the end of November now... About a month and a half ago they replaced the thermostat but that wasn't the problem. A week and a half ago they came in and told me it would be 1/2 hour of work... Nope... then they brought in a plumber. I had to move one of my bookshelves and I am pretty sure it was off the wrong wall. Came home... still hadn't been fixed. Right now with the air conditioner on full and the balcony door open it is still close to 80 degrees. The air is also really dry so I end up being super congested and dehydrated. It's brutal. So now it's also affecting my health and that's not a good thing. Plus I need a humidifier and I need to replace the air conditioner. So it's getting expensive for me. You would think that they would want to fix it since they are paying to heat the apartment and for the electricity to run the air conditioner. I guess not. They are about to get another nice letter from me about not fixing it and this will be the 5th time I have had to request that something be done. It will be the last letter they receive. Failing this I will be cosnsulting a lawyer and more then likely taking it to the tribunal. As a tenant I have a right to speedy repairs and this has been anything but. Hopefully it doesn't come to that... but I'm tired of being a doormat and paying the price. I want what I am entitled to. I want my heating fixed.

Lessons From the Cat

When I was at Tammy's I was wondering how Azrael was doing and felt bad for leaving him behind. Sometimes I think he's my child and not my pet... I was also wondering what he was going to destroy. Last time I went away and left him he grabbed the roll of paper towel and destroyed it. It was strewn all over the kitchen floor. Tammy was suggesting I get another cat to keep him company so that he is not dependant on me. But it quickly became clear that Azrael wasn't really the issue... it was me. I can practically count the number of times I have left him on one hand.... The conclusion: Mommy needs to get a life. He's only this dependent on me because I have no life and am always here... so he takes it hard when I am not home, simply because he is so used to me being there. I need to get out more. And that was today's lesson from the cat. Thanks Azrael.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

RRSP

Last week I finally decided to take some money out of my RRSPs. It was definitely not an easy decision for many reasons. For one, that money is supposed to be going towards my future. Once you take the money out it also becomes taxable income. But I really didn't feel like I had much of a choice. While I was finally making some headway and was able to start paying bills on time I still wasn't getting ahead at all. The main reason though is the dental work that is becoming more and more important every day. I think the nerve is exposed or something. Either way the pain is increasing and I really need to get it taken care of. As a result of leaving it this long there is a possibility I will not be able to save the tooth. But we'll see. It could've been worse... I couldn't been in this deep and not had any savings to draw on. By December 1 I should have the money and tomorrow am calling the dentist to see when they can fit me in.

Thanks Guys

Thanks go out to mom and to Suzanne & Dave. Mom paid the phone bill for me just in the nick of time. And the money from Suzanne and Dave will pay for another bill... So thanks guys for helping me out :o) It was greatly appreciated!

As a side note... forgive me if I don't call. It's not that I don't love you... or want to talk to you. But when you don't have a home phone the long distance adds up quickly. I already have the new phone bill and there was $40 in long distance charges. I've decided that email is a wonderful invention and allows me to give in touch... so does my blog.

Call Me a Quitter

You can now call me a quitter... It has been 6 months since I quit smoking. A lot of people seemed to think I would cave and go back to it. They figured with the stress at work I'd never make it. But I did what I do best... proved them wrong. There are still times when I am tempted but overall it's been okay. I keep myself busy at work so I don't think about it. Pat and Christie really helped me get through the initial withdrawal... Neither of them smoke but they were both supportive. The Zyban also made a huge difference. I'm trying to decide how to celebrate that milestone. You have to recognize the milestones and reward them... That's how you keep going and reach other miletones. Next stop: the one year mark.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Relaxing Weekend

My vacation officially started on Thursday. I went straight from work to Tammy's. Aside from a couple of hours spent working on a spreadsheet the computer was even away. Now that is impressive. I don't do so well with the whole relaxation idea. I always have to be doing something. But it was nice to actually take a break. I was there for the UFC PPV on Saturday. I came home on Sunday after the last Nascar race of the season. It was nice to get away for a few days and to spend some time with friends. That's what it's all about.

Monday, November 20, 2006

Cogeco

Back in September I ordered the UFC PPV event... might be the last UFC PPV event I order. There's nothing wrong with them... but I can't afford to be spending $50 a month on them. It would be one thing if they were every couple of months or so. Any ways... that was a mini-tangent. At the same time I was having issue with my digital cable and they had to send someone out. The image was pixelated and barely watchable. I called within 10 minutes of the even starting because of it and they said they were going to credit the account. They never did. I got billed for it. So today I called about that. They refused to give me the money back claiming there was no notice on the account and no information about that call. So... because they don't document it I am out $50? Nice... how's that for customer service. Good thing I watched the event then since I had to pay for it. Kind of frustrating...

Happy Birthday to Me

Today I turned 28... I am still just a big kid at heart though. I had a couple of errands to run and the first thing I did when I got home was unpack the Nerf dart gun and had some fun with it. Azrael loves it so we both win. In about an hour I'll be going out to dinner with some coworkers. Already did the birthday cake thing when I was over at Tammy's on the weekend. So far it's been a good day... nice and relaxing. What more could you ask for?

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Vacation in 5-4-3-2-1

After my shift ends at 5:30 tomorrow I will officially be on vacation.... I will not be at work for 11 days. I am not entirely sure what I am going to do with myself. I am definitely going to be relaxing. That much is for sure. Spend plenty of time with Azrael. I won't be thinking about who I need to listen to... and who needs extra coaching... Just rest. Now it would be nice if they fixed the heat in here. It is really making me dehydrated and congested. And is all too warm as well... But any ways.... I'm just happy to have some time off.

Tomorrow, after work I am heading to Tammy's for the weekend. It's Wayne's birthday this weekend as well. Going over there to watch the UFC event on Saturday. It will also be a nice chance to get away for a few days.

Of course I already feel guilty about leaving Azrael. He's my baby. I was looking forward to spending all day Friday with him but Tammy invited me over after work tomorrow. Back home on Sunday so I will likely be offline until then. Now I just need a nice trip to somewhere tropical and I'd really have it made.

And then the Unthinkable Happened

Okay so I am still broke and about to have my phone cut off... just as soon as the next bill comes out... so if anyone wants to donate to my phone fund I won't say no... Just call it a birthday present. But... this afternoon there was a posting at work for team manager. Now it's a longshot... but it's also a rare event. It's about the only chance of advancement, short of moving to another location. It was quite a shock let me tell you. So now I have to make sure my resume is up to date and create a cover letter. If nothing else I can dream.

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Hard Day at Work

Today was not one of those days that I enjoy at work. Just when you thought you've seen it all someone manages to surprise you. I don't like being the iron fist or anything that resembles disciplinary action. Don't get me wrong, I'll do it when I need to. I just don't enjoy it. I suspect that most people in management find it to be a necessary evil. It's not something they enjoy but it's part of the job. It's tough. It was even harder because the person involved couldn't seem to grasp the big picture and see the importance of their actions. In fact, had it not been for the manager that was involved stepping in it was clear that they were going to fight me on it. Show some respect for me and for the job I do. I am not out to fail anyone, despite what some people seem to think. I want to develop them and help them become better. It seems that some people just have too much pride to admit their own weaknesses. We all have areas that we struggle with. Get over it... and let us help.

Saturday, November 11, 2006

Bankruptcy

As everyone knows I have been extremely close to bankruptcy for quite some time now. Somehow I have managed to just keep going and haven't even had any bills go to collections yet. *Knock on wood* I'd like to keep it that way. It's been pretty stressful. Most people have been pretty understanding and have been sympathetic to the hell the Student Loan Center has put me through. Steve has been the exception to that. He shows no understanding and always turns it around to be about him. He was whining at one point that he would be filing for bankruptcy before me. I found out recently that he is paying $1200 a month in storage fees. Maybe it's just me but that seems a little excessive. We're talking $14,400 a year. He doesn't pay rent since he lives with his mother. But with that money he could be renting a house, investing in the future, replace his van, etc. I refuse to have sympathy for someone that could very easily turn things around by getting rid of the useless shit that he has. If I had the $1200 a month I'd be able to pay rent and would almost have enough to cover my student loan. Now Steve was talking about loan consolidation with the bank. What I found interesting is that he said he has consolidated them before. Seems to me he is missing the point if he constantly needs to get bailed out... especially since he lives at home. At his age you would think that he had learned responsibility and would've just got rid of some stuff to reduce his payments. Right now I don't even like talking to him. He's doing a good job at pushing all my buttons and getting me angry.

Career Options

My degree is in psychology and I work in a call center. To most people those two ideas don't really go together all that well. Personally, I think that call center employees don't get the respect they deserve. There's too much of an emphasis on temporary employees since the wages aren't going to attract people for the long term. But that was a bit of a tangent. I find that I do use the psychology degree every day. After all my job is to coach and develop the other agents. I also use it when communicating with customers. So it is a useful skill to have in my line of work.

The big issue I have... and the reason I am at a bit of a cross-roads is that there are very few opportunities for advancement at work. They have done away with the team leader position here and with the turnover rate no manager positions will be available on the horizon. And even if there was there is a LOT of competition among all the performance coaches. The most I can make as a performance coach is $15.65 an hour ($32,552/year) and that is after 5 years of being a performance coach. Not to mention the fact you have to meet your metrics to even get a raise, something I didn't do in February. If it wasn't for my student loan it wouldn't be a big deal but that is still hanging over my head.

Steve seems to like coming up with career options to make more money. Now none of his ideas involve me actually leaving to pursue other opportunities. He does know that I applied for a promotion in Niagara Falls so he already knows I am willing to leave. I don't think he was quite so happy about it. So what is his current thought? He seems to think I should start a counselling practice specializing in people who self-injure. He thinks I would do well since I understand the behaviour.

I have a few issues with that thought. As an unlicensed counsellor you are a lot more vulnerable. Self-injury is a behaviour and in order to treat it you have to treat the underlying causes. That's not exactly short-term therapy. You really do have to change thought process and behaviour. It's also extrememly frustrating. There is a reluctance to change. You need a mix... otherwise you risk facing burnout. You just can't deal with the same thing over and over and over... especially when it is a behaviour that is resistant to change. Then there is the whole self-harm behaviour. Generally speaking you have a duty to report any threats to self or to others. So it's a bit of a catch-22. The last thing I would want to do is force someone to sign a no-harm contract.

While I do understand the behaviour and have been there that is only so beneficial. And since I still struggle with it I am not sure I would be the best counsellor. You can treat it as long as you can empathize with the person... which should be true in any therapy relationship. If it's not there then you should be looking for another therapist.

Now I can see me more as an advocate and generating awareness about self-injury. I could handle that. I do think there is a need for that. But as a counsellor... I'm not so sure about that idea. Unlike Steve I try to take a practical approach and not just have the idea of the week.

Friday, November 10, 2006

Decision Time

So today was pay day... and decision time for me. I had to decide which was more important... groceries and the phone bill or rent. I really didn't like the decision. I knew that rent should be the priority but I also knew that it would leave me with absolutely nothing to get by on. The alternative though was hoping that the other money came through. I didn't like taking that chance since the student loan center already screwed me on that one. Seemed like too big a risk. So I ended up paying my rent today. Now I have about $20 left and Bell was already threatening to cut off my phone if I didn't pay it since it's now at $125 with the long distance charges and all the calls I had to make during the day fighting with the National Student Loan Center. The cable bill isn't a big deal... and neither is the credit card bill. But groceries and my phone are weighing on me now. I really don't like to be this broke... It really bothers me. I hate it. Adds too much stress to my life. And I know the saying is that "It's only money" but when you're continually broke it is not a fun place to be.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Regrets

I was watching an interview with Green Day. They said something interesting. "It is better to regret something that you did then something that you did not do." There's a lot of truth in that. It really is one thing to regret a decision that you made because of the consequences... but another to have never taken that step... never taken a chance. Fear of failure has become today's mantra. How many people stay in their job because they are scared that they might fail at something else? But is that fear holding you back? I seem to be at a crossroads at the moment. Not to say I don't love my job. It is challenging and I do work with a great group of people. But I don't make enough money at the moment. Assuming that I qualify next month for interest relief I will have a 6 month reprieve but will it be enough? There aren't too many opportunities for advancement these days. Part of the reason I don't leave is the job security. It's nice to know that I have a job and a steady pay cheque. There is fear about stepping out into the unknown. And in today's economy I am not sure that I can even find a job that pays enough. I just wonder if 6 months from now I am going to regret not taking a chance and seeking employment elsewhere.

"Keep a Stiff Upper Lip"

I was talking to my mom today. Figured I should update her with the latest news on my student loan today. What stuck with me was when she said to "keep a stiff upper lip" about the whole situation. This attitude is reminiscient of the attitudes I was tught when growing up. And you know what? I am frustrated right now. I have a low income job, I'm broke, and they still seem to think I can afford to give them 25% of my income. I have been fighting this since May. I can't afford to pay my bills. I think I have a right to feel something about that. I'm not a robot. I have a right to be upset. I think I have a right to cry if I need to. It sucks and I will freely admit that I have shed a few tears over the whole thing. I don't feel bad about that. You can only take so much after all.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

The Hits Just Keep on Coming

I am really wondering what interest relief really means... I mean the last time I checked it was a time when you did not need to make payments and the government paid your interest. At least that was how it worked in the past. And whenever there had been a delay the Royal Bank was always good about refunding the money to me. Not so with the Student Loan Center. I got another voicemail stating that they were not going to be refunding any money after all since I hadn't paid for June the money had gone towards that. It's all BS. I made the payment for June after my application for interest relief was denied.

Let's recap the payments I have made for the record. To the Royal Bank I have made 4 payments of $219. 3 of those should be refunded to me as I have since been approved for interest relief during that time period. The 4th was the payment for June when I did not qualify. Simple enough.

The National Student Loan Center was really slow with the decision on interest relief and as a result I was 2 months behind by the time I even found out that I had been denied. August's payment of $290 was automatically taken out. Then I went and paid June's payment. Then they said that they had put the money towards June and July since I was behind. Then my application for interest relief got screwed up again but since it was being processed I was told that the money would not be taken out. They lied. The money was taken out October 31. So for the 3 payments that I did make I paid $916. Now there is no way that this went towards my June payment... at least not all of it. Their creative math and not having the correct loan payment amount is not my problem. But still... that is 3 months worth of payments and for 2 of those months they have told me that I was in interest relief for. So why am I not getting it back? It's a lost cause to even try to fight for it... but still. I just get the run around.

Looks like a priority is to remove the automatic withdrawal from that account. At least then they can't steal my money. I'm thinking the government has their own creative scheme going on. Back the borrower into a corner that they absolutely cannot get out of. They can't file for bankruptcy so you basically own them. And then change the loan payment amount on them so they end up paying more... even if they did not agree to it. There is certainly nothing fair about the system.

I'll be the first to say that right now I really do feel at a loss... I feel like my hands are tied and there is nothing I can do. I have tried everything I possiby can and gotten nowhere. When you work full time it's very tough... Tough to think that the government can actually do this to you... take 25% of your income and leave you basically nothing to live on. I just got a call today from my phone company threatening to cut off my phone if I don't pay the bill this week... And then there is the rent that is overdue. They can put up a notice of termination at any point and threaten me with eviciton. What am I supposed to do? In spite of working full time I can't even make ends meet any more... and while I should be getting the money back from the Royal Bank considering everything that has happened I'm not sure I should be holding my breath on that one.

I think the light at the end of the tunnel has finally been extinguished. Ever since this nightmre began I've been telling myself that I can't take much more of this... The stress... the anxiety... not being able to even catch up on bills... yet I keep going. I think I am finally at that breaking point. Really they have now taken everything from me... I've lost count of how many bills have been at least a month behind. There have been times when I couldn't buy groceries. and then the ultimate was when they told me they weren't taking the payment and then bounced my rent cheque. And to be told that even though I am on interest relief I am not getting back the $600, that is like a slap in the face. What good is interest relief then? You can only take so much of this. And I am finally at the breaking point.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Maintenance Request for the Apartment

The heat still seems to be on the rise in my apartment. I have put in a few maintenance requests since I moved in. They finally got around to fixing the thermostat last week. But the heat is still an issue. In fact I think it's going up. We're up to about 78 degrees in here. Needless to say that's a little warm. I wake up in the morning and am dehydrated. I have trouble breathing and feel congested. The fibromyalgia also tends to be aggravated when it's hot. I feel like I should force them to act... by withholding the rent until they comply. Or maybe I should just take it up with the tribunal, especially since they don't bother giving me notice before entering the apartment. When they did fix the thermostat they didn't call or even knock. I don't like that. I do have some expensive stuff and am not comfortable with someone just walking in. Having said that I would really like my heat to work properly. I prefer to be bundled up when I go to bed... not in shorts and a tank top. But seeing as my rent is currently late I don't really want to talk to the supers about anything. I just can't win... that has been my conclusion.

Good News, Bad News & Everything In Between

So on Friday I got the letter telling me that my application for interest relief had been approved. Finally some good news. Today I was at work and I get a message to call the National Student Loan Center about my revision of terms. I had sent a not-so-nice letter with it since it will cost me about $900 more to pay off my loan. But I was forced to do it. So I call them up and all they tell me is that my interest relief had gone through, nothing about the revision of terms. So I decided to ask what that meant for the payments I had already made. I was told that the money had been put towards the principle of my student loan and in no uncertain terms that I would NOT be getting it back. I was told that they were not able to do that. I was also told that if they did then my interest relief would have to be taken off, recalculated and then put back on. Oh yeah and I would owe them the interest. WTF? So let me get this straight... My interest relief was approved (which generally means you don't need to make payments and the government pays the interest) but I'm still making payments... Umm... how does that work? Oh yeah and I can't claim the payments on income tax because it's money put towards the principle of the loan, not interest. Then why did I apply? I might as well have just made the payments and then applied for interest relief effective now. At least then I'd have a reprieve in the payments. But obviously I wasn't going to get anywhere with that one... Customer skills were a wee bit lacking with that person... And my stress level shot through the roof.

My second phone call was to the Royal Bank. I must admit it is much nicer to deal with them. They have been good at delaying payments and what not. As soon as I called them they put in a request to get back the three payments that I have made. Unfortunately, the request does take 2-4 weeks but still. That's $660 that I should be geting back. Okay so now my day was getting a little better.

Now I had been playing phone tag with one of the guys from the Student Loan Center. I might have let it go and just been pissed off over it but they bounced my rent cheque the same day my interest relief was approved. So I thought I'd call and bitch about that. After all my application for interest relief was still being processed which means the payment should not have gone out. I got ahold of im this time and he said that despite what I had been told earlier I would be getting the money back. Now I am not sure if that is all three months, or just the last month... but still. Since they really don't seem to know what they're doing... and I just keep getting mixed messages I'm holding my breath until I have the cheque in my hand. Which again, will take 2-4 weeks.

So for the most part it was good news... And then my landlord called to let me know the cheque bounced. Decisions decisions... If I pay my rent off this week then I will have absolutely no money left over. And I do have other bills to pay... some that are at least a month behind. Or my cell phone that is on a cap and will be cut off. Or hey how about groceries. So I'm not sure I really want to go that route... especially since I am not sure when I'll be getting the money back. But that waiting for money is the reason that I really want to get my rent paid off. The longer I leave it the worse I'll be... and having a roof over your head is kind of important. But since my rent is now late does it really matter? For once living in a ghetto building is actually a good thing. Decisions decisions... Or maybe I should just start playing the lottery. I think my odds of winning are about the same as me not defaulting on my loan.

Saturday, November 04, 2006

Sunshine Breaks Through the Clouds

I got home from work and there was a letter waiting for me from the Student Loan Center. My first thought was "What do they want?" I'm a little jaded and don't exactly hold much hope in a letter from them. But this letter said that my application for interest relief had been approved. Interestingly, it was dated the same day they took out the most recent payment. Finally some good news. Hopefully, I'll even get the money back since it is retroactive to July. Time to breathe a sigh of relief.

That fact really should bring a smile to my face. After all it means I won. And should mean that I have money coming back to me. But after 6 months of fighting I just don't feel quite so good about it. The nightmare comes to an end... but it's not like there will be much left over. I have to pay rent and get caught up on bills. They killed my credit rating (not that they needed much help) and have already cost me at least $100 for late payments/NSF charges. Not to mention the high stress levels.

Oh and it's not like I get much of a breather... I start the fight all over again in a month. My interest relief is only good until December 31st and I have to have the application in and a decision made by then. If I am not mistaken after that time period is up the 30 months will be over and I will no longer qualify for interest relief. I have no idea what I will do then. You can apply for extended periods of interest relief (up to 54 months) but they reduce your loan payments first and then you have to qualify (based on the reduced amount). I already know I won't qualify. I still don't understand how they can justify taking 25% of your gross income. I can understand 25% of your take-home pay... but not the gross income. After all that is before any taxes are taken out. I guess they expect you to live on 65% of your income. If I wasn't living just above the poverty line that mgiht be one thing... but I have a low-income job. I struggle to make ends meet. I also have a disability that doesn't exactly leave me with the energy to take on another job. I might not have a choice though. There are very few promotions available at work... fewer all the time. And my wages are certainly not going to go up enough to cover it.

I suppose there is another option. I could try and find a sugar daddy. *lol* But knowing what the wages are like in Peterborough I suspect I would be moving to a different city for that as well. It's like the poverty capital. Low wages seem to be the theme. Mind you Peterborough also has a high percentage of mental health issues. I'm sure there is a correlation there.

So I guess I am back to doing it the old fashioned way. And for now I can just enjoy the fact that I am on interest relief and don't have to make payments. Hopefully, in the near future I'lll even get my payments back.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Stress and the Workplace

We commonly say to leave your life at the door when you get into work. It's about the job and you need to focus on that. While I believe that is true it is certainly not an easy accomplishment. At the beginning of the month I was actually pretty relaxed. I finally thought that my interest relief was going to go through and it made things a lot easier. Pat was still there so life was easy. I worked overtime so that I could get caught up on my bills and thought things were finally turning around.

But like a house of cards everything just collapsed. There were two pivotal moments in that. One was Pat leaving. There was no one to replace her... So for three weeks it was just me trying to do the work of 2 people. Needless to say that has a HIGH cost. Now that it's the last week I don't want to do anything... I don't want to listen to calls. It's my own mini burnout. Now that one is directly related to work and not something I can just forget about when I'm there.

The other big one was when the Royal Bank took out my student loan payment... and then my interest relief application was denied. Suddenly I didn't have any outs and there didn't seem to be an end in sight. There still doesn't seem to be an end in sight.

Those two events really added a LOT of stress. makes it difficult when I am at work to think about the job... well for the most part it's not that hard but when I am on calls it's a little more challenging. My mind just isn't in it. This week that is especilly true. I am back on nights so I find that customers aren't as nice. They are much more argumentative and won't accept your answer as readily. My last call tonight turned into a bit of a fight. I was actually trying to be nice. Turned out that was a bad idea. For the most part it's probably just a subtle change in tone... but a change none the less.

I guess the other thing that is affecting me is the pain... All down the right side of my face and into my neck is pain. I can even feel it into the sinuses. Most of the time it's a dull ache. But it's also causing me to clench my teeth more which is just causing more damage. I am constantly trying to massage away some of the pain. Even while I write this I have to take a break every couple of minutes trying to lessen the pain. If I ever have money one of the first things I am going to do is get the dental work done. Or perhaps I will just yank out the tooth.

But what I have learned is just how difficult it can be to separate home and work. Now I don't use it as an excuse. Or justify poor behaviour with it. But I do know that it does play a role and impacts how I take calls. I've learned to control it so for the most part it is slight but stress affects everything. I know I've got a vacation coming up but unless my student loan gets sorted out that thought doesn't bring me much pleasure right now.

All I really want is some peace... Well peace and no pain. I just want my stress level reduced. And somehow I've got to learn how to not let it affect me when I'm at work. Easier said then done.

Back to the Starvation Diet

I seem to be back to the starvation diet. Feel free to lecture me. It's not like I don't know better. I'm still eating 2 meals a day... I'm just skipping lunch when at work. I'm really busy and have so much that I am trying to accomplish. I think I am still in overload mode from trying to do everything myself. I just havent recovered. Then there is also the stress level. I have been battling with the student loan center for almost 6 months now and every time I think I just about have everything sorted out I get screwed over again. I know it's taking a toll on me. And, as far as that goes, I really am at my wits end. I've got no way out. And then they even caused me to bounce the rent payment. Even if they do put my interest relief through I'll only be three months from applying again. So it's not like there is an end in sight. I'll just be starting this battle all over again. And facing the reality that pretty soon I will have used up all of the interest relief and will have no choice but to either pay the loan or be in default. So I am definitely stressed out at the moment. And the last reason is the pain in my teeth. I am in agony right now. I already know that I have to get a pin put in the tooth. But I can't afford to go in and get it fixed. With the pain I don't even want to open my jaw. I just hope that it doesn't get to the point of infection. I guess there is one more big reason. I have no money... so I can't afford to even buy groceries. Tough place to be all the way around. I could really go with some good news right about now.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Vancouver Olympics

I came across an article last night about low-income families being evicted as a result of the 2010 Olympics. When you think of the Olympics you think about community, national pride and the global community. The justification is that hotels need to be built, along with various other buildings. It's all about business and economics. Having this many tourists and athletes will bring in a great deal of money. Hosting the Olympics is a big deal. But at what cost? They already destroyed a rare forest in favour of the roadway to meet the traffic demands. And now, even though the Olympics are 4 years away many residents have been displaced. Who decided that their needs were not as important? Who decided this was an acceptable trade-off? But as the article stated, "With an event like the Olympics... the poor are usually the last consideration."

Just When You Thought it was Safe to go Back in the Water

It really isn't Jaws and I'm not actually being attacked by sharks.... I did however think that things might finally be going my way. Then I woke up this morning and it all went to hell again. I knew as soon as I woke up that I should just go back to bed. I walked to work and now I'm paying for it. I was in a lot of pain. But I still hauled myself out of bed to go to work. I decided to check my bank balance before heading out. I was a little surprised to find out that my loan payment had been taken out... and once again for a completely different amount then I ever authorzied... Remember what I said before about increasing my loan payments but not changing the payment length? That was what they took out... And then they argue with me about how by making payment I agree to the loan payment amount. I never made a payment... they took a payment. Trust me I would not have been making a loan payment at the moment. I never authorized it. In fact I was under the impression that it would not be taken out. And now... because of that loan payment I just bounced my rent cheque. That was returned as an NSF cheque which will cost me $25. Plus I lose out on the discounted rent for paying it on time. There goes anohter $25. Them taking out the payment will cost me an additional $50... $50 I really don't have. Plus now my rent is going to be 2 weeks late and there may be additional repercussions for that. It's like this bottomless pit... They just keep taking more and more money. Right now there doesn't seem to be a way out.

Monday, October 30, 2006

Almost Feels Like I'm on Vacation

I went into work and it almost felt like I was on vacation. This month is a 5 week month. Since I worked so hard over the last 4 weeks I don't have as much to do this week. Plus I know that John will be there to help out now. I had a lot of work to do today but I felt a lot more relaxed. Pete even brought in pizza so I got fed. I think it was just bribery *lol* Just kidding. I would hope my team knows that I can't be bought. We just joke about it. I have a great rapport with my team and they give me a lot of respect. So it was a great day at work! I'm hoping the rest of the week continues like that.

Sunday, October 29, 2006

Little Bundle of Claws

I love Azrael... I really do. But there are definitely times when I think I should have had him declawed. He loves the attention but when he decides that enough is enough he goes into attack mode and then he becomes a little furrball with claws and teeth extended. I'm used to the teeth marks and scratches in my hand. But today I was lying down with him on the futon. It looked really cute. I almost wanted my camera... until he extended his claws and caught my face. Fortunately he didn't draw blood but there is a nice scratch right above my lip. It still hurts too. But I still love him... And I think that declawing cats is just cruel and unusual. I guess that begs the question of how to train him so he'll stop with these psychotic outbursts. I don't think I've ever had a cat that went on the attack like he does. Of course I also haven't had a cat live past the age of 3 but that's a whole other story. And one that makes me think I should be going with a different pet. Cats should have a longer life span.

Update: He was much better behaved last night. He stretched out on me and was just a big suck. Spent most of the evening like that. No claws in sight. He can be a good boy... just dual personalities at time. But I know Azrael doesn't actually want to hurt me.

Saturday, October 28, 2006

The Basics

Suzanne reminded me of something earlier today... As long as you have heat and food on the table that's what is important. I'll be paying rent on Monday so I will continue to have heat here... well it would be even nicer if they fixed the thermostat but any ways. I have heat... So much so that I have the air conditioner on. But Suzanne was right. As long as you have the basics: Shelter, clothes, and food everything else is secondary. It's really easy to get caught up in the harsh reality of being behind in bills. I've been fighting this for months... I get caught up and then am immediately behind again... and when that is your focus it becomes all consuming. And it's really easy to put bills ahead of groceries in an attempt to stay afloat but there are some things tht just can't be sacrificed. So once again I have bills that are going to be late. I suppose the good news (if you want to call it that any ways) is that my credit can't possibly get any worse... short of a bankruptcy... thanks to my student loan. Looks like I'll be putting off the visit to the chiropractor and will be playing catch-up on the next pay cheque but I didn't sacrifice my house and home (or Azrael's either) in an effort to stay ahead of the bill collectors (which was a lost cause any ways).

I Made It

At the beginning of the month I wasn't sure what was going to happen. Pat was leaving which meant I was going to be picking up the slack. Sure we are supposed to work together as a team. I'm a little jaded though and I suspected I would largely be doing it all myself. I'm the kind of person that is just going to get it done and will step up to make sure it happens. But with me being on vacation at one point... and just with the sheer workload there were definitely times I had my doubt. It was easy enough just to get overwhelmed with the number of calls I had to listen to... let alone all the other job responsibilities I have: meetings, training, etc. But it's all about persevering... and even when it looked doubtful I just kept going. I don't know the meaning of the word failure. When I left tonight 97 out of 98 of the call evaluations had been done. There are other teams that haven't had the same struggle that aren't that close to meeting the mandate. Now you might be thinking I failed... but a) it wasn't my fault that evaluation wasn't done and b) it is a 5 week month so I will get it done on Monday or Tuesday. I'd say I have a lot to be proud of. I feel pretty good about it...

Of course now that it's over I am also pretty tired.... I don't think I realized just how much it took out of me until I got home tonight. All I wanted to do was curl up and go to sleep. But I was going grocery shopping so I couldn't. Looks like tomorrow I am going to be KO'd and not doing much. Since I pushed myself really hard I wouldn't be surprised if there is a fibromyalgia flare up. I still don't do so well at pacing myself.

The important thing is that I can sleep tomorrow *lol* Well that and I really showed that I can do the job and won't crack under pressure. I always knew that I had a strong work ethic. The really good news is that it's no longer just me, myself and I either. As of Monday I will have help. And I have a lot of respect for the new Performance Coach. After all he's been a part of the team then longer then I have been and has been the go-to guy. It's looking up already :o)

Friday, October 27, 2006

Hell Has Been Upgraded to Purgatory

Finally there might be a bright spot in my life... maybe. I am trying not to be optimistic since when it comes to my student loan I just keep getting disappointed. I got a letter in the mail. It was a revision of terms. But, once again, they had screwed up. The revision of terms was for 172 months. Funny... since that is what they currently have me on. And the payments on the new revision were higher. How does that work? I increase the payments, still don't qualify for interest relief, and ultimately pay more... So I called to find out the status of my interest relief. They told me it had been declined (yet again) because I make too much money. For a difference of about $30 no less. But they still had not yet fixed the loan payment amount so I couldn't make as much as I should be able to. I asked about the revision of terms. A new one had been sent out today reflecting the 112 months. Even though I did not sign off on changing the terms my new loan payment amount will cost me about $30 more per month. Nothing quite like getting screwed again. Don't I at least get a kiss to go with this? It will wind up costing me something like $3200 more by the time it's paid off. I feel like I'm playing Monopoly except it's not "Bank Error in Your Favour"... It's "Government Error Not in Your Favour." Then they will finalize the terms and make a decision in 5-7 business days about my interest relief. I'm just hoping they make a decision before my next pay cheque... I really don't want any additional payments being made. But since I was only $30 off this time it should go through... And give me some peace... for a couple months any ways

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