Hallowe'en
Mark Cohen
How did we get here?
How the hell..pan left--close on the steeple of the church. How did I get here, how the hell?
Christmas! Christmas eve, last year. I could a night so frozen be so scalding hot? How can a morning this mild be so raw?
Why are entire years strewn on the cutting room floor of memory as single frames of one magic night forever flicker in close up on the 3-D Imax of my mind. Thats poetic- thats pathetic.
Why did Mimi knock on Roger's door? and Collins choose that phone booth back where Angel
set up his drums. Why did Maureen's equiptment break down? Why am I the witness and when I capture it on film does it mean that its the end and I'm alone.
Mark Cohen
How did we get here?
How the hell..pan left--close on the steeple of the church. How did I get here, how the hell?
Christmas! Christmas eve, last year. I could a night so frozen be so scalding hot? How can a morning this mild be so raw?
Why are entire years strewn on the cutting room floor of memory as single frames of one magic night forever flicker in close up on the 3-D Imax of my mind. Thats poetic- thats pathetic.
Why did Mimi knock on Roger's door? and Collins choose that phone booth back where Angel
set up his drums. Why did Maureen's equiptment break down? Why am I the witness and when I capture it on film does it mean that its the end and I'm alone.
How did I get to this place? It's never the big decisions that end up changing your life... or at least they don't seem like big decisions at the time. Obviously it's a combination of factors and decisions. Me turning into a recluse is definitely related to a number of events... some small.. some huge. Money is obviously a big factor. But even beyond that... 3 years ago I had the flu and I'm not sure I ever really recovered from that. I was so sick I dropped to 70 pounds. It was after that I really started to battle the fatigue. Fatigue that stopped me from wanting to go out. I just wanted to sleep. Being sick also led to the decision to drop out of school and just work full time. I suppose I could say that was the turning point.
After that I was so tired that people started seeing me as anti-social... and then my relationship with Adam ended. Having your stalker as a roommate tends to create problems for your social life as well. I didn't want to go out because I was scared he would follow me out... or would take advantage of the intoxication. Being a victim of sexual assault also plays a role in that. It's safer to hide and be alone. There are no risks in that... And no one can hurt you.
I remember a time when I was social... out on the town every weekend. It was the one luxury I gave myself to keep myself sane. But now it's a far cry from that. I go to work... and I go home... And that's about it for my life. I can't even remember the last time I allowed myself a night on the time. Not that I can afford to at the moment... but I can't remember the last time I went out. I mean I've gone to Tammy's... and I went out to dinner with Pat. But that was it. The last time I went to the bar was almost a year ago when I was at the Christmas party for work.
I wish I wasn't so tired all the time. I really should go back to the doctor about that. It's not normal to be this tired. I can't pinpoint one event... Is it just stress induced? Is it from the flu? Is it PTSD? Is it fear? What has led to this point? Ultimately, it leads to the question, "Why?" Why did this happen? Could I have done anything differently? Lastly, how do I change things?
After that I was so tired that people started seeing me as anti-social... and then my relationship with Adam ended. Having your stalker as a roommate tends to create problems for your social life as well. I didn't want to go out because I was scared he would follow me out... or would take advantage of the intoxication. Being a victim of sexual assault also plays a role in that. It's safer to hide and be alone. There are no risks in that... And no one can hurt you.
I remember a time when I was social... out on the town every weekend. It was the one luxury I gave myself to keep myself sane. But now it's a far cry from that. I go to work... and I go home... And that's about it for my life. I can't even remember the last time I allowed myself a night on the time. Not that I can afford to at the moment... but I can't remember the last time I went out. I mean I've gone to Tammy's... and I went out to dinner with Pat. But that was it. The last time I went to the bar was almost a year ago when I was at the Christmas party for work.
I wish I wasn't so tired all the time. I really should go back to the doctor about that. It's not normal to be this tired. I can't pinpoint one event... Is it just stress induced? Is it from the flu? Is it PTSD? Is it fear? What has led to this point? Ultimately, it leads to the question, "Why?" Why did this happen? Could I have done anything differently? Lastly, how do I change things?
No comments:
Post a Comment