Anxiety Attack

I'm beginning to think Valium at work would be a good thing... at least for me any ways. As Pat was leaving I was almost ready to have a meltdown. Today was one of those days where I just shouldn't have got out of bed. It didn't start out well and it did not end well.

I slept in this morning. The funny part about me saying that is that I work at 1:00 this week so my alarm was going off at 11. That was 9 hours after I went to bed. Not sure where the difficulty was. So then I am rushing around trying to get ready and have no time to either make a lunch or have a Carnation with breakfast. I did manage to have a bowl of Rice Krispies. Then Steve was late picking me up and I figured it was going to be close to get to work on time.

I did manage to get to work with time to spare. Pat wanted to get the Ace done on me right away. The call was fine. Then it was time to listen to a few calls. I went without my first break and my lunch just to get 3 calls listened to. That's bad for me. Usually I can get more done. So that was starting to stress me out. Plus we are getting more new team members. One of the current team members has taken to badmouthing me on a regular basis. As soon as I get to work I feel like I am under the gun. Even after Pat left from the day it didn't stop. I had one brutal calls and was the last one out of the building. I didn't finish the call until 10:08. Then I could finally go home.

Plus there was the arson at the apartment. I have had trouble relaxing when I am at home. I keep wondering if it's going to go off... and thinking about how I can't hear it in my bedroom. And since it was an arson maybe they will try again. With a fire I could lose everything. I can't seem to get it out of my head.

I'm also thinking that this is related to me quitting smoking. The Zyban is controlling the cravings and the reward pathways but that doesn't mean all the side effects are gone. I'm just not attributing the anxiety and the irritability to the withdrawal symptoms because I don't notice those symptoms. We always want an answer... an explanation.. Why am I anxious? Why am I irritable? But because I don't feel any other effects from the withdrawal I am associating that with the fire... and with work... and other events. Hopefully it passes soon. But I think this was about the breaking point the last time around as well. This time has been better but it actually seems to be getting worse not better. Maybe that's because the assumption is the beginning is the hardest. But it takes a long time to rid the body of the chemicals... and as stress builds up so does the desire to start smoking again. So far I have resisted though.

Zyban Part 2

First of all should I be concerned about the fact I am taking an anti-depressant to help me quit smoking? Maybe it's just me but I find that kind of odd. I think I'll just ignore that since it is working. It's also the only aid to quitting smoking that does not include nicotine.

I can honestly say that it really does reduce the effects of withdrawal. There are very few times I actually have a craving. And even then it passes really quickly. I don't have the insomnia like I had last time around. Of course, I am also on medications to help me sleep. But no headaches, anxiety, restlessness or trouble concentrating. More importantly no irritability either... well okay very little. And I don't think that is actually from the withdrawal but from unrelated stress.

Since it alters the brain chemistry and the neurotransmitters it really shouldn't be surprised that there is a dark side to it. You can't alter the neurotransmitters and expect that everyone will react positively. Most, if not all, newer anti-depressants have to have a warning about the increased risk of suicide. Now I really did have a reaction to Zoloft but not to Zyban. I know that Zyban is not an SSRI and the two focus on different centers in the brain.

6 Days, 7 Nights

That's how long I've been nicotine free. For the most part it is going okay. The Zyban makes a huge difference. When I quit cold turkey I really had to battle the cravings and they have been greatly reduced this time around. Pat said I'm not as chipper as I usually am. I'm not sure that's related to the withdrawal. I think it's just fatigue, stress, and the nerve damage. It's hard to be chipper when you're in a lot of pain. I've also got a lot on my mind. Someone said the second week is harder. So I guess we'll see. The only time it's hard is when I am around Steve since he pretty much chain smokes. Mind you the last time I saw him was the day I quit. He might be shocked to realize that the apartment is now non smoking. If he wants to light up he'll have to do it on the balcony. Not that I'll be seeing much of him any ways. Pat's giving me a ride to and from work all week, except Tuesday morning when I have a dentist appointment. One day at a time. I can't think about a week from now... or a month from now... I really have to take it one day at a time.