Call Me a Quitter

I really don't like being called a quitter. It has a negative connotation. And whenever Christie called me a quitter it bothered me... even though she actually meant it in a good way. Today marks the one year anniversary of me quitting smoking.... This is the longest I have made it without nicotine since I started smoking. So now you can call me a quitter and I won't take offense to it. :o)

Changing Times

I have been single for a year and three months. It has given me a chance to be alone and not dependent on someone else. Sure there are times when I would like to be in a relationship but I no longer feel that my self-worth is determined by someone else. It shouldn't be. I am okay with who I am and I like me. Yes it does seem to be odd saying that but that's okay.

The time has also given me a chance to become sober... not that I was an alcoholic or anything but there were definitely some bad benders. It's still kind of weird not drinking though. When I go out I almost feel like I should be getting a drink. I haven't completely given up alcohol but now it's only a drink with dinner, that kind of thing.

I also quit smoking. I have now made it to the 8 month mark and counting. It's pretty impressive since I was the adamant smoker that kept saying I was not going to quit. Somehow that has translated into me doing more work... Partially to keep myself busy... and partially because I just don't know what to do otherwise.

I'd like to say I've given up all my vices but that would not be entirely true. I still battle with the thought of self injury. I haven't gone back to it but the temptation is still there. The last time I did was just before I got my annual review back in July. So I guess that means I just made it to the 6 month mark :o) One day at a time... It's like the alcoholics creed. Maybe one day I will have found a healthy way to cope and won't even think about it. But until then I wear the bracelet and remind myself that it's one more day.

Call Me a Quitter

You can now call me a quitter... It has been 6 months since I quit smoking. A lot of people seemed to think I would cave and go back to it. They figured with the stress at work I'd never make it. But I did what I do best... proved them wrong. There are still times when I am tempted but overall it's been okay. I keep myself busy at work so I don't think about it. Pat and Christie really helped me get through the initial withdrawal... Neither of them smoke but they were both supportive. The Zyban also made a huge difference. I'm trying to decide how to celebrate that milestone. You have to recognize the milestones and reward them... That's how you keep going and reach other miletones. Next stop: the one year mark.

150 Days

Today is officially day number 150 without nicotine. So that means I have been a non-smoker for 5 months now. I am impressed by that fact. There have been a lot of temptations and a lot of stress. There are quite a few people that are shocked I haven't gone back to it. But I haven't. I take it one day at a time and so far it's working... Hopefully I actually have money when I hit the 6 month mark so I can actually celebrate that milestone. Of course the only time I even really think about it is when I am with someone that is smoking... or when I see an agent going out for a smoke. Overall, this might have been the easiest time I've had quitting. But I know from past exerience that all it takes is one overwhelming stressor to go back to it. Day by day... it's all you can do.

120 Days

Today it has now officially been 120 days since I quit smoking. Hard to believe it is 4 months already. There are still times I am tempted, especially when stressed... but it's gotten easier over time. One of the guys at work forgets that I was a smoker until I mention it. But I was outside every chance I got having a smoke. Healthwise, I do think it has made a difference. I still take it one day at a time... so today is day number 121.

38 Days

That's how long I have been without nicotine. Some people have been really supportive. Some people also choose not to smoke around me. But there is still one person that chain smokes around me and then says to let them know if I want them to stop. I'm a doormat so I don't want to oice my opinion. I also figure I don't want to wind up fighting with him over it. Overall it doesn't bother me but it doesn't help me either since it just reminds me... and with the current stress I am not sure I like the reminder. Plus I am inhaling the second hand smoke which is even worse. Hell at that point I might as well just have a smoke. I don't think it's the smoking that bothers me... I think it's just him.

They say you are supposed to celebrate each milestone... the first day...the first week... the first month... etc. So far I haven't done any of that. Usually I am too busy watching the days go by with work. Plus I never seem to have money to celebrate with. Hmm... what can I do to celebrate me quitting smoking?

Zombie Like State

I am definitely remembering why I started smoking again last time. Between being told that I was quite negative and it was a behavioural issue.... which I was told was going to go to management... and the insomnia... I gave up. I think the possibility of losing my job was a pretty good motivation to start smoking again. I never thought that it would save my job. This time around has definitely been better.... But the insomnia is definitely a factor... and it seems to be getting worse. Waking up hourly is not fun at all! So now I am struggling with hoping it gets better and the possibility that I might get some sleep... It's not an easy thing. When you've been waking up pretty much hourly for the last 3 weeks that's rough... all you want is sleep. "Sleep perchance to dream..." Granted it doesn't help when you're an insomniac to begin with. It really seems to compound it. Mind you, other events in the last month are likely playing a role as well. The same day I quit smoking I found out I was likely going to need a bone marrow biopsy. So that has been weighing on me quite a bit as well. I have heard that after a month the insomnia starts to get better. I sure hope so. Would be kind of sad if the reason I start smoking again has nothing to do with craving nicotine but is because I want a good night's sleep. I am comforted by the fact Amy, who quit at the same time, is going through the exact same thing. Not that I would wish this sleeplessness on anyone but at least I'm not alone. The sleeping pills are not helping. maybe I should go with something a little stronger... there's an idea. Maybe not a good one... but it's an idea.

Nightmare

The heart may freeze or it can burn
The pain will ease if I can learn
There is no future, there is no past
I live this moment as my last
There's only us, there's only this
Forget regret, or life is yours to miss
No other road, no other way
No day but today
(Rent - Another Day)

The first thing I want to say is that not everything in my life is a nightmare. At the moment work is still going remarkably well. Sure there is stress but there will always be stress in the job. If there isn't then you're probably unemployed. Christie is a great team manager. She is really laid back and gives me space to just do my job. But she is also there if I need something. And Pat and I work well together. We both have strong work ethics and keep in mind that it is a common goal. If one person fails we both do. And we've managed to succeed for 2 straight months. Now I am not so crazy about being volun-told to help another team for 10 days next month. That has nothing to do with me not wanting to help... I am just concerned about how it may affect our own mandate. Both Pat and I already have to do 16 aces a week. That's a lot of work. Plus other jobs to do... and still help them out. I'll do my best.

Home life is sort of iffy. Oh I love the apartment and really feel like it's my own space. It's nice to just have me and Azrael and not have to deal with a roommate. So that part is good. But of course I am paying more for rent. Then there was the fire in the building. For the most part I am over that. I can rest a little easier at home. But as a result of the fire my mail is being held at the postal distribution center. I was going to stop by today before work but Steve didn't get here in time. I also need to mail back my defective hard drive... Any ways... the post office where it is being held is only open Monday to Friday from 8 to 5:30. I work 9 to 5:30 all next week. And one of the things I am waiting for is my interest relief form that I REALLY need to get back to them so I don't end up paying my student loan. Now the bills I am not that excited to see but I do need to pay them. So that is an annoyance *Sigh*

Then there is the rheumatologist. Apparently his office has been calling for the last month. Now I went to see him in February and they said to makea follow-up appointment but I was back at work and didn't really think much of it since he had already said that he doesn't treat fibromyalgia cases. why did it take so long to really try and get ahold of me? But they want to do some follow-up on my lab tests. Now I am wondering if my family doctor sent him a copy of the third set of blood tests or if he is discussing the tests that were done 3 months ago. I guess I'll find out on the 19th when I have to go in.

Quitting smoking is definitely not easy. Sure the Zyban helps but there are still some withdrawal symptoms. Right now I am definitely not sleeping through the night. Having some pretty vivid dreams courtesy of the Zyban. I keep waking up and when I do I have trouble falling asleep again. Now the blinds in my bedroom are not helping. Steve is supposed to be hanging the new ones but he is definitely not reliable. so the blinds only go down to the air conditioner and the light wakes me up in the morning. Azrael is also contributing to this as well. As soon as I go to bed he comes in with his stuffed animal and cries... It's not the "I want attention" cry or "I want food." In fact if you touch him he will bite you. I have no idea why he is doing this. He used to do this once in a while but now it's every night. He has really been crying a lot more lately. I'm nt sure why he has suddenly become so vocal. You'd think I was torturing the cat or something. As soon as I get off the elevator I can usually hear him... and my apartment is almost at the end of the hallway. Hoping going to get a good night's rest tonight. I could really use it.

"Will I wake tomorrow from this nightmare?" (Rent - Will I?)

Crawl into a Little Hole

Right about now I just want to put a "Do not Disturb" sign on the door and just hide for a few days. I don't want to deal with people at all. I think everything is just starting to affect me right now. I had to push myself incredibly hard last month so our team would meet the mandate and I haven't slowed down since then. This is pretty close to the time I started smoking again last time around and with the stress level I am feeling the cravings and the withdrawal. If it was just me and Azrael for a few days I just might be able to relax and not have so much negative energy. I'm like a bear... I just need to hibernate and recharge. Of course I've said that before and the time off didn't help. Hell I had 2 months off and I felt like I needed another vacation shortly after I came back. But with some rest... maybe this quote from Queer as Folk would be true:

Emmett: My flame has been rekindled and is burning brighter than ever.

Anxiety Attack

I'm beginning to think Valium at work would be a good thing... at least for me any ways. As Pat was leaving I was almost ready to have a meltdown. Today was one of those days where I just shouldn't have got out of bed. It didn't start out well and it did not end well.

I slept in this morning. The funny part about me saying that is that I work at 1:00 this week so my alarm was going off at 11. That was 9 hours after I went to bed. Not sure where the difficulty was. So then I am rushing around trying to get ready and have no time to either make a lunch or have a Carnation with breakfast. I did manage to have a bowl of Rice Krispies. Then Steve was late picking me up and I figured it was going to be close to get to work on time.

I did manage to get to work with time to spare. Pat wanted to get the Ace done on me right away. The call was fine. Then it was time to listen to a few calls. I went without my first break and my lunch just to get 3 calls listened to. That's bad for me. Usually I can get more done. So that was starting to stress me out. Plus we are getting more new team members. One of the current team members has taken to badmouthing me on a regular basis. As soon as I get to work I feel like I am under the gun. Even after Pat left from the day it didn't stop. I had one brutal calls and was the last one out of the building. I didn't finish the call until 10:08. Then I could finally go home.

Plus there was the arson at the apartment. I have had trouble relaxing when I am at home. I keep wondering if it's going to go off... and thinking about how I can't hear it in my bedroom. And since it was an arson maybe they will try again. With a fire I could lose everything. I can't seem to get it out of my head.

I'm also thinking that this is related to me quitting smoking. The Zyban is controlling the cravings and the reward pathways but that doesn't mean all the side effects are gone. I'm just not attributing the anxiety and the irritability to the withdrawal symptoms because I don't notice those symptoms. We always want an answer... an explanation.. Why am I anxious? Why am I irritable? But because I don't feel any other effects from the withdrawal I am associating that with the fire... and with work... and other events. Hopefully it passes soon. But I think this was about the breaking point the last time around as well. This time has been better but it actually seems to be getting worse not better. Maybe that's because the assumption is the beginning is the hardest. But it takes a long time to rid the body of the chemicals... and as stress builds up so does the desire to start smoking again. So far I have resisted though.

Smoker's Haven

It has now been 2 weeks without a smoke. Saturday night I was definitely tempted. But I've done well and resisted the temptation.

I still remember when I was 18 and for some unknown reason the conversation at home to when the first time Suzanne and I had tried smoking. When I said I never had I was told I could be honest. Once again I said I hadn't and was accused of lying. But I had been telling the truth. I had never smoked, done drugs, or had a drink. Once I had been accused of lying it really didn't matter any more. Then I figured I might as well try it since people assumed I had any ways. And now I've smoked off and on for almost 10 years now. Not to say I wouldn't have started any ways but it is still interesting to think about. The choices we make... and the factors that go into those decisions.

Appetite

For the last couple of weeks I seem to be hungry all the time. And as a result end up feeling lightheaded periodically. Ordinarily I would say that is a good thing. But I'm not gaining any weight. I don't have the opportunity to eat 5 meals a day either. That's about what it would take. So now I am wondering if it's my metabolism or an issue with my thyroid. This seems to be a new development. It would be nice if I actually gained some weight in this process.

Take today for example. I slept in, like usual so no chance of breakfast. Aside from weekends when I sleep until noon I'm not sure I ever have breakfast. So that's not unusual. Then off to the dentist. Through the course of the day I had 3 cans of Coke. I had a sandwich partway through the day with cold cuts, bacon, cheese and lettuce. When I got home I had a bacon wrapped chicken breast, rice and corn. I was still hungry so I made myself a Carnation Instant Breakfast. But I am still hungry. Too lazy to make anything now since I'll be going to bed shortly. But I don't get it. Why am I still hungry? There were times when I still lived on Hunter St that the only meal I had was dinner. Now that didn't happen all that often. At least there were times I actually felt full there. It kind of sucks to be hungry all the time. If you've got any ideas I am open to suggestions.

I do realize that it might be related to the fact I quit smoking. So I don't have the nicotine acting as an appetite suppresent. But I was going through this before I actually quit smoking. That just didn't help me. Like I said, I am open to suggestions.... as long as they're not way out in left field, or involve seafood any ways.

Zyban Part 2

First of all should I be concerned about the fact I am taking an anti-depressant to help me quit smoking? Maybe it's just me but I find that kind of odd. I think I'll just ignore that since it is working. It's also the only aid to quitting smoking that does not include nicotine.

I can honestly say that it really does reduce the effects of withdrawal. There are very few times I actually have a craving. And even then it passes really quickly. I don't have the insomnia like I had last time around. Of course, I am also on medications to help me sleep. But no headaches, anxiety, restlessness or trouble concentrating. More importantly no irritability either... well okay very little. And I don't think that is actually from the withdrawal but from unrelated stress.

Since it alters the brain chemistry and the neurotransmitters it really shouldn't be surprised that there is a dark side to it. You can't alter the neurotransmitters and expect that everyone will react positively. Most, if not all, newer anti-depressants have to have a warning about the increased risk of suicide. Now I really did have a reaction to Zoloft but not to Zyban. I know that Zyban is not an SSRI and the two focus on different centers in the brain.

How Does Zyban Work?

What is Zyban?

Zyban is a nicotine-free pill prescribed to help a patient stop smoking. It is prescription medicine available only from your healthcare professional for smokers 18 and older.

Zyban is also used to relieve symptoms of depression and to treat Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder in children.

Zyban is manufactured by Glaxo Smith Kline and sold as Wellbutrin, Wellbutrin SR and Zyban SR. Zyban is also called bupropion hypochloride.

How does Zyban Work?

Researchers believe that Zyban interacts with the brain's neurotransmitters to reduce craving and the effects of withdrawal from nicotine addiction. The active ingredient, bupropion, is a relatively weak inhibitor of the neuronal uptake of dopamine, serotonin and norepinephrine. Zyban can be combined with nicotine replacement therapy like patches or gum.

Bupropion is a medicine that was first developed to treat depression. It was found that it helped smokers to stop smoking. It is not clear how it works. It alters the level of some chemicals in the brain (neurotransmitters). This seems to relieve the withdrawal symptoms that you get when you stop smoking (such as craving, anxiety, restlessness, headaches, irritability, hunger, difficulty with concentration, or just feeling awful).

Side Effects:

It has been suggested that bupropion and SSRIs may cause depression to worsen and even lead to suicide in a small number of patients. These potential side effects are difficult to evaluate in depressed patients because depression can progress with or without treatment, and suicide is itself a consequence of depression. Moreover, the evidence supporting these potential side effects is weak. Therefore, no conclusions can yet be drawn about the relationship between bupropion and SSRIs and worsening depression and suicide. Until better information is available, patients receiving bupropion or SSRIs should be monitored for worsening depression and suicidal tendencies.

6 Days, 7 Nights

That's how long I've been nicotine free. For the most part it is going okay. The Zyban makes a huge difference. When I quit cold turkey I really had to battle the cravings and they have been greatly reduced this time around. Pat said I'm not as chipper as I usually am. I'm not sure that's related to the withdrawal. I think it's just fatigue, stress, and the nerve damage. It's hard to be chipper when you're in a lot of pain. I've also got a lot on my mind. Someone said the second week is harder. So I guess we'll see. The only time it's hard is when I am around Steve since he pretty much chain smokes. Mind you the last time I saw him was the day I quit. He might be shocked to realize that the apartment is now non smoking. If he wants to light up he'll have to do it on the balcony. Not that I'll be seeing much of him any ways. Pat's giving me a ride to and from work all week, except Tuesday morning when I have a dentist appointment. One day at a time. I can't think about a week from now... or a month from now... I really have to take it one day at a time.

100 Hours

I am now at 100 hours without nicotine. I am definitely not going to say it's been easy because it hasn't been. They say you should reduce your stress level before you quit smoking to make it easier to deal with the symptoms of withdrawal. Hmm... guess I missed that part of it since my stress level is almost at an all time high right now. On top of that I am currently working days. I tend to be more tired on the day shift, especially now that I am in my second week of days. I remember from the last time when I tried to quit cold turkey your sleep patters really get disrupted. Like I needed more fatigue. Then there is the anxiety, irritability, dizziness, and the ADHD tendencies. And since my body is still healing it also feels like I have a cold as my lungs start to heal. And I haven't even mentioned the cravings. Good times let me tell you. Now I am fully aware that it is for the best and will help me in the long run. That doesn't really make it easier though. I know it's not the cigarette that I am craving... it's the coping mechanism and the stress relief that it provides. I know it's temporary and I just have to wait it out. The Zyban definitely makes it easier... but there are still times I really want to go back to it.

Stress & Anxiety

I'm beginning to think a prescription for Valium would be a good thing. Even before I went to the doctors I was starting to get a little stressed. I wasn't feeling 100% and had not been able to fight off the cold I had. I destroyed my PDA and was going insane at work. Pat had been off sick so I was doing extra so that we would meet the mandate. It was already starting to take a toll on me when I went to the doctor. I've had a hard time relaxing ever since.

I've been working days so I am already tired. I never was good in the morning and am starting to feel the effects. Part of me likes working days so that I have the evening to watch TV and get stuff done but another part of me prefers to sleep in and work later.

I also quit smoking on the weekend. So on top of sleep deprivation I am also going through nicotine withdrawal. Maybe this was not the best time to quit smoking. The Zyban seems to be helping although it would help if I actually took the proper dose instead of skipping it by accident. I know when I tried to quit last time the first month was the killer... unfortunately I didn't make it past that point...but also quit cold turkey... so this time it might be better.

The day I found out I was going to need a bone marrow biopsy done I then had to go to work. It was not the most relaxing day. I started to feel the stress of not knowing. I keep trying to prepare myself for any possibility. It could be anything from a vitamin deficiency to a lymphoma. At this point I have no idea. And being a control freak I hate not knowing.

The next day I was about to have a shower when the picture fell and the glass shattered. It also took the top part of the toilet tank with it. Since I was standing in front of it I almost had a panic attack. I just got told my platelet count was low so the last thing I wanted to do was cut myself. Fortunately I managed not to.

Then I went to the dentist and he hit a blood vessel. Time for another panic attack. That was followed by nerve damage. As you can tell my week is just going from bad to worse. Now I can barely open my mouth because of pain. So I don't want to eat... or talk...

When I ordered my replacement PDA they were supposed to send it to work so that someone could sign for it. I'm assuming they sent it to my old address. It has been sitting at Purolator for a week. Then they tried to deliver it and weren't able to. I sent Steve done with a letter authorizing them to release it to him and included my driver's license. But they refused since his address was not the same. So tomorrow morning I have to leave at 7:30 in the hopes that it's not on the truck and they will actually give it to me.

At this point I am way too stressed and extremely frustrated. I know I need to relax but that is easier said then done. Especially since every time I turn around things are going from bad to worse. As far as the biopsy goes there is nothing I can do at the moment. It's also very frustrating to be this low on energy. I can get up and do stuff for about 10-15 minutes and then am just drained again. For someone so independant that's difficult to take. Or maybe I just need some Valium. That will help me relax.

Good News

I guess I should mention the good news that also came out of the doctor's visit. I decided to go on Zyban to quit smoking. Probably not the best time in the world to quit... but there is no time like the present. I had made that decision before I even went there. Fortunately, my insurance covers it. I decided aginst cold turkey this time around since last time it almost cost me my job. No binge drinking for me. Not that I was drinking any ways... but apparently it can cause seizures. So we'll see how that goes.