Happy New Year

Wishing everyone a happy new year! As another year draws to a close I am reminded of the song "Closing Time" by Semisonic. "Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end." 2005 has definitely been an interesting year. For whatever 2005 brought with it: the good, the bad and the ugly, the year will be over in a little over 12 hours. So now it's time to reminisce about the previous year.


The High Points

• Learning I can rely on other people and not be quite so stubborn and self-reliant
• My promotion to Performance Coach
• Moving into the same building I work in (Ahhh the convenience of waking up at the last minute)
• Getting a team... was getting pretty anxious about my probation period running out and me not having a team
• Discovering the UFC
• Vacation in November
• Highest incentive ever for me
• Christmas dinner with family
  

The Low Points

• Too many to list (Two relationships ending, the breakdown, having my bank account cleaned out, the rumour mill at work, the upcoming court case, Fibro-Fog, etc.)

Let's just say I am more then happy to have this year end! Looking forward to 2006. May it be a better year and bring with it some new beginnings and some changes. May it be a good year for all of you as well. :o)

Heather

More Free Stuff

Even though I should've been in bed quite a while ago... I was bored and thought I'd see what else FreePay had to offer to me. Too bad I can't keep signing up for eBay but any ways... So there is the free iPod Nano found here or there is the free digital camera found here. Now I just need to find an offer to complete and a few people to sign up... and I can get some cool free stuff. Well almost free... the offers aren't quite. But hey, looks like I might get some hair thinning stuff for $5 US and as I said before I was thinking about Clumbia House. This is just an incentive to actually do it.

Heather

Free iPod

The things you do at 2:30 in the morning when installing software and killing time before bed. I found a web site that will give you a free iPod... well almost free. You have to sign up for 1 deal and have 5 people sign up for a deal. That's how they make their money. But one of the options was to sign up for eBay and bid on something (bid must be greater then $10). You don't even have to win the auction. Another deal on there was for Columbia House DVD. I was actually considering that deal. There were a few other deals as well... but since you just have to sign up for one deal I went with eBay. Now all I need to do is refer the 5 people. So if you are interested in the possibility of a free iPod Click Here. And if I never get it... all I have lost is some time... that I really wasn't doing anything useful with any ways. Enjoy.

Heather

Income Supplement: Virtual Pimp

I've been thinking about ways to make more money. I'm pretty sure everyone has these thoughts on occassion as they are trying to pay bills and still have monet left over.

Well I was outside on break and the topic of Sims online came up. Apparently there is a big controversy right now over a 17 year old that had created a number of characters and was basically pimping out those characters. If that wasn't bad enough... she was making money on eBay with those characters and the money they earned in the game.

So I am thinking I should become a virtual pimp and earn some money that way...

Long Day

It's only 8:45 p.m. but it still feels like a long day. I had to run all the errands today that I didn't get to yesterday. The stores were all crowded and I started to feel claustrophobic. I am not a big fan of shopping to begin with. And I seemed to be batting 1000%. Seems like everything I wanted was not in stock at any store. I'm the kind of person that likes to do one stop shopping when possible... not be at every store looking for a better deal then end up back at the first store any ways. The highlight of the day so far was the chiropractor. At least now my back is in place and not hurting as much.

Pretty soon I'll be formatting my computer once again... seems to be a monthly occurance at the moment. I am too lazy to troubleshoot it. Applications keep quitting on me and I seem to be getting a blue screen periodically. Since my files are on a different drive I might as well just erase it and start over. Less aggravation that way. Time for me to get that done so I am not still installing applications at 2:00 a.m.

Heather

Annika

I just had to post some pics of my niece... as the proud aunt. So this is Annika Simone.

Family Christmas

Finally had a family Christmas. I was starting to feel pretty lonely hearing everyone else talk about where they went for Christmas. Suzanne, Dave and Annika got here just after noon. Looks like they had better like finding the place then UPS did but any ways. Gave them the grand tour since it takes about 30 seconds. Annika was trying to make friends with Azrael. That didn't go quite as well. He wasn't sure what to think. He's never really been aound kids. From Annika I got a crystal cube with a dolphin image inside. Once I have AAA batteries it will light up. Not sure where to put it though. Don't want Azrael knocking it over. From Suzanne and Dave I got a Coke box that looks like a vending machine. They filled it with chocoloate so if anyone wonders why I have so much energy when I am at work next... too much chocolate *lol*

We all went out for a late lunch with mom before she had to go to work. It was the first time we had all been together in quite some time. I think the last time I saw Suzanne and Dave was last Christmas. It was a pretty short visit since mom had to be at work for 4:30 and Suzanne and Dave didn't want to be driving home in freezing rain. But it was nice to see them again and spend some time with family. Leaves me enough time to get my errands done as well.

I also talked to dad for quite a while today. When he called earlier today I wasn't exactly awake. I hadn't had any caffeine yet so I really didn't have much to say. I called him back this evening and it was a nice conversation. I hadn't really talked to him in quite some time since calling someone after being on the phones so much during the day just isn't what I want to do. Overall it was basically a family day. Going to run my errands shortly and then relax for the remainder of the evening... I think any ways. We'll see how that plan goes.

Christmas at the Office

I think I am just evil for posting these... Chris can kill me later. But they were nice photos (Thanks Sheri) of the TL coming back from vacation to the Christmas present from the team. Yes, she was crying after looking at the card. Took all week to make that card and get everyone to sign it. Thanks to Sheri and Dawn for all the work they did making that card!!! :o)
Then there is the Nancy Drew book she is holding. It was a Christmas present to her after one of the many stories she told. I even went out in a snow storm to pick that up. But I am never going to see Nancy Drew the same way *lol* Just wanted to share a couple of pictures from work... celebrating the holiday spirit.

Heather

Labels

"Who knows where thoughts come from, they just appear" (Empire Records)

I am really starting to think there is a lot of truth to that statement. I was having a shower and suddenly, randomly started to think about the labels we give people which then shapes how we see them. Have I mentioned my mind is a little quirky? If we label someone then we start seeing other behaviours as a pattern. In turn, this reinforces our view of them.

Take ADHD for example. Before I go on I am going to say that I do believe ADHD is real... However, I do think it is overdiagnosed. Is the child hyperactive because they are seeking attention? Maybe it's the only way for them to get attention. Are they hyperactive because they are not challenged? It's possible they act this way because the task at hand does not stimulate them enough. Or are they hyperactive because of a real disorder? As soon as a child is labelled with ADHD then they are put into a box and that label goes with them. It affects how other people interact with them. It also affects how they see themselves. And once they are diagnosed with ADHD then other behaviours are attributed to the ADHD and it becomes a reinforcing circle. They have all these behaviours so the diagnosis must be right.

Now I don't have ADHD. Some days I may have ADD from a head injury but I work hard to minimize that. But some people could give the label of "Borderline Personality Disorder" because I was a cutter. I engaged in self-injury. It's a great resource on the subject. But as soon as you label me with BPD then you are going to say that the impulsiveness and reckless behaviour are also part of the disorder. How about we just call it what it is. It was a maladaptive coping mechanism. We all have them. For some it is binge eating, for others alcohol or drugs, or it could also be reckless sexual encounters. Deep down we all have ways of coping that are not healthy. There is just a greater stigma associated with cutting. I couldn't handle emotions so I turned it into a phsyical pain. I'm also not trying to justify it but I can say it was not about seeking attention. I will also be the first to admit that it is not a good thing. But don't put a label on it so that you can treat it with some medication. Or so you can say that I did it because of a disorder. It was a way to cope... end of story. If you're not familiar with self-injury I encourage you to check out "Secret Shame"

So the next time you want to label someone think about the long term effects it will have. No idea why I was even thinking about it but whatever. You never know what I am going to think of.

Heather

Day at Work

So today was just one of those days... It started out with me being tired since I haven't been sleeping. Worked 5 days and then was off for 1... then back in for 3. Felt like a long stretch there. Today was the tail end of that. During my coaching time I was pretty lazy. I didn't have much to do any ways. I got the two call evaluations done that I needed to. Spent some more time fighting with the printer and, other then that, really didn't do much.

In 5 hours took 48 calls. In tech support that is an awful lot of calls. No wonder I was drained and had a migraine by the end. By the end of the day I was a little frazzled and happy to have a couple of days off.

I am definitely hoping I get some sleep tonight. Been playing the usual role of insomniac because I can't shut my brain off. But on top of that I've been waking up frequently. So I feel almost like a zombie in the morning. Rest would be good.

Tomorrow I am going to be spending some time with Suzanne, Dave and Annika. I haven't seen them in a while so I am looking forward to that. I think it will be the first time they see my apartment. Then we're going out to dinner with mom. It's the family affair... just missing dad but since he's in BC that's not an option.

For now it's about time I have a shower and find some clean clothes for tomorrow. I haven't got around to doing laundry yet. On my list of things to do on my days off. Along with the chiropractor... and shopping. Gotta make use of my time off.

Take a Look in the Mirror

So what do you see when you look in the mirror? Do you see yourself for who you really are... or do you see what other people see? I guess the real test is whether you see lies... or the truth. Maybe not as easy a question to answer. I try to avoid the mirror.. that way I don't have to see the reflection and answer that question. I was watching CSI and will end it with Horatio's quote, "At the end of the day the truth is all you have."

Heather

Christmas Dinner

I was starting to think I had hit the bottom of the gene pool with some of the customers at work today. Overall it wasn't a bad day though. It was steady and then just died right off so I was allowed to go home early. As much as I liked the money I was making it was nice to go home and just relax. Made all my phone calls so I could enjoy the evening.

Dawn brought me in a case of Coke. The turkey wasn't done in time so she went with the second option. It was pretty sweet. Bribery works well in my books. *lol* And since it was Christmas Day I gave all my agents a break. I was there to help them if they needed it but wasn't doing any call evaluations. Same with tomorrow. The three hours of coaching time goes by pretty quick any ways. I can always find other things to do.

No turkey for me this year. But I did have a roast for dinner, along with parmesan noodles, broccoli and cauliflower. I also had mozza sticks before that. Had to test out the deep fryer and all. Then watched Bourne Ultimatium to relax. Back to work tomorrow and I expect it will be insane with people that didn't realize we were open today... and people that were busy today.

Still trying to decide what to do with my incentive... and Christmas money. My DVD box sets are pretty much covered by trade-ins at Blockbuster. I keep thinking about computer parts but they're all expensive. I'm basically going to be building a new system but it's not a cheap endeavour. So we'll see... still weighing my options. Likely going to hold off for a while until I can get everything I need.

Now that I spent an hour looking at useless crap on eBay it's about time I head off to bed. So it's off to dreamland I go.

Xbox 360

For anyone that is wondering I still have not received my Xbox. So much for the promise that it would be here before Christmas. Ordered it from EB back in October and they said it would be part of the second shipment. Then they said it would be here the first week in December. That story keeps changing. The best was when Steve went in to see if it was there and one guy was about to go to the back, indicating that it was there, and then the manager said there were none physically in the store. Let me guess... it's being held for an employee? Or they are selling them for a higher price? I called today and without even checking the guy said it wasn't there. Supposedly I am the next one in line. If it wasn't completely paid for I think I'd be asking for my money back and going with something else. Half the games aren't compatible despite what they intially said about backwards compatibility. The main reason I was getting it was to stream my videos to the TV before I burn the disc but it's turned into a nightmare. I might as well have just used that money to upgrade my computer and not gone with an Xbox 360. Needless to say I am disappointed in the whole experience and am not happy with Microsoft or with EB. Live and learn I guess.

Merry Christmas

Wishing everyone a Merry Christmas and a Happy Holidays! :o)

Now that I've said that it's almost time for the bah humbug speech... or at least that is way some people are going to see it. There was a time when I wanted to spend Christmas surrounded by friends and family just to build my self worth. But these days I don't feel the need for that. I am okay with who I am and would rather just be left alone, for the most part. I'm enjoying the peace and quiet of the place to myself... no extraneous noise... just me and Azrael. But I wouldn't have it any other way.

I'll be spending both Christmas Day and Boxing Day at work Good thing I just have to crawl out of bed and go downstairs. Makes it so much easier *lol* And I don't mind. Sure it will be insane but I'm not going to complain for $30 an hour. I wasn't going to be seeing my family any ways so why not make some extra cash?

I hope you all enjoy yor holiday season and spend it the way you want to, whether that be surrounded by those people you care about or alone.

Heather

Human Contact

I've been thinking a lot lately about the sense of touch... mainly when it comes to human contact. In the work place (and in schools) the emphasis is "hands off." If you touch someone you might end up spending some time with the nice folks at HR. I'm not referring to sexual harrassment or anything that might be inappropriate. But you can't even give someone a pat on the back and say job well done without facing that, especially when in a leadership role. Yet in some ways that need for human contact is entrenched in us. Me promoting this is somewhat funny since I shy away from human contact. It makes me feel vulnerable. I still remember one day when I was sitting at my desk and Chris came up beside me. She put her hand on my shoulder, probably to get my attention. Since I wasn't expecting it I was caught off guard and there were a lot of mixed emotions. I felt vulnerable, exposed but I also felt threatened since I don't like being vulnerable. After a moment it was over and things went back to normal. Not to say there was anything wrong with it.. It just comes back to my own issues with trust. For a long time my motto was "Trust no one. That way you don't get hurt." But that is also a lonely existance. If you can even call it an existance. Eventually I did realize that I wasn't an island and couldn't do everything on my own... mind you some days I still think otherwise *lol* Then I go to the chiropractor and have no problems with human touch. Kinda weird. But I think it's because I expect it. I'm not really sure what my point is here... just something I've been thinking about. Or maybe it's the fact it's Friday night at 4:00 a.m. after a long week and I should have gone to bed ages ago. So that is where I am headed.

"All the Small Things"

Ever notice that it's usually the small decisions we make that end up shaping your life? I always thought that it would be the big choices. When I went to university I was concerned with where I was going to go to school... what I was going to major in... etc. I figured that was going to shape my career. Yep, I was wrong. Not to say I regret it. I needed it for my own healing if nothing else. But it definitely hasn't shaped my future. I work in a call center as a performance coach. Sure, the background in psychology does help me out but I don't think I'd be worse off without it.

I moved to Peterborough because I was homeless and did not have many options. I always thought I'd be moving back to London... 3.5 years later I am still here. But I have noticed that it seems to be those decisions that I think are inconsequential that end up shaping my identity, and in some cases leaving scars.

2 years ago I went to Lori's for Christmas. I didn't have anyone to spend it with and she took me in. Adam stopped by on his way home and this is where we met. I was actually dating someone else at the time... but any ways. We ended up dating for over a year. While we may not be together any longer I learned a lot and part of me will always care deeply for him. What if I hadn't gone to Lori's that day? We'll never know.

More recently there was the night I went out for a coworkers birthday. That is definitely one night I would like to take back. At the time it was a small decision. I invited a friend to spend the night so he wouldn't lose his job and would make it to work the next day. Then he went off to the strippers and I met Tristan, one of the new guys from work. Another small thing... I bought him a drink... and then we spent the rest of the night talking. But I had made arrangements for someone else to stay here so I went home alone. That was my biggest mistake of the night. Well that and being as intoxicated as I was. The friend showed up... looking to get laid. I ended up stopping him but he decided that wasn't going to be the case. So at 6:00 a.m. I was on my way to the police station. A series of small decisions had led to a day spent between the cop shop and the hospital... and criminal charges. I never thought it would shape my life as much as it has. Paranoia at work... images haunting me... an impending court case... and friends divided. It's a big community at work and we both work there and have friends there.

Since I really don't want to end with a negative example... Back in February Adam and I broke up. It was rough since we were living together. I had a breakdown at work one day. At the same time I was applying for performance coach. They asked me if I still wanted to go through the interview. At that point I was doubting a lot of things and almost turned it down. After all I had been up for the position twice and didn't get it. But I decided to go for it any ways. This was what I wanted. And I ended up getting it. Turned out to be the best decision and I haven't regretted it once.

That isn't to say you should second guess every decision that you make... but if you look back on your life how much of your life has been shaped by what seemed like a small decision at the time?

Heather

Gripes From Work

I was thinking about recent events from work abd how when change happens you see people's true colours. Their personalities really shine through. As a performance coach the day used to be a 60/40 split... coaching for 60% of the day and then taking calls for 40%. Our mandates changed and, as a result, those numbers were reversed. My only concern has been about time management and being able to get everything done. I definitely feel more pressure now. It can be hard to get the evaluations on calls done with less time. Some days it really does feel like a narrow window and not all of my agents are available during that time. But I have adapted and come in early if necessary. The hard part for me mainly comes when I also have to juggle the evaluations on agents in training and helping out other performance coaches. I will freely admit that some days I feel a little overwhelmed.

There seems to be a real backlash from other performance coaches. Some have been on a silent protest while others haven't been so silent about it. Then I heard that with the new changes our scorecard (monthly performance review) may be based solely on the individual instead of the team effort. And as one performance coach stated, "What incentive is there to help the team develop?" I suppose if your only motivation for helping the team is the financial side of things then that incentive is no longer there. I have also heard repeatedly that the performance coaches don't want anyone to be a hero and show that they can do the job in the reduced time. So what... slack off and do a half assed job and hope management changes their mind?

That is not in me to do. As you can probably tell I don't agree with the sentiments of my colleagues. It's not about the money for me. Change happens... deal with it. I think too many people have lost sight of the reason we are performance coaches. We are here to help the agents and to develop them. Without the agents we would not have a job. How can we help them improve? What do they need? It's not about us... it's about them. Don't take it out on the agents. The changes had nothing to do with them yet they are the ones being punished when we bitch about the reduced time and play the role of "poor me." I'm not a hero but I am also not trying to prove a point by slacking off. I feel much better now that I've got that off my chest.

Heather

Planting Seeds

"I have heard many stories about parents who have hurt their children so much, planting many seeds of suffering in them. But I believe that the parents did not mean to plant those seeds. They did not intend to make their children suffer. Maybe they received the same kind of seeds from their parents. There is a continuation in the transmission of seeds, and their father and mother might have gotten those seeds from their grandfather and grandmother. Most of us are victims of a kind of living that is not mindful, and the practice of mindful living, of meditation, can stop these kinds of suffering and end the transmission of such sorrow to our children and grandchildren. We can break the cycle by not allowing these kinds of seeds of suffering to be transmitted to our children, our friends, or anyone else." (Thich Nhat Hanh)

Insomnia

I was just watching some TV and an ad came on for some insomnia medication. Probably a good thing it wasn't an informercial or I might have been watching it for a while and then calling the number to order some. Some days it really sucks to be an insomniac. All you want is one decent night's sleep. And it seems like everyone has some idea of how to achieve that. The doctors always tell you to quit smoking. I did that and it didn't help. They also tell you to cut back on caffeine. Yeah like that is going to happen. Doctors also tell you just to use the bedroom for sleep and sex, nothing else. They really wouldn't want to see my bedroom right now then. There's the TV, PS2 and computer. But even with just my bed and dresser it didn't help. Or there are always medications... most of them make you so groggy you can barely function in the morning and still don't want to get out of bed. Mind you I love reading the side effects where it says "may cause drowsiness." Wasn't that the whole point? There's also 101 herbal remedies to help you sleep. Or white noise... CDs... light therapy... etc. If that doesn't work maybe you need therapy to work on those issues causing you not to sleep. I did a sleep study once. They forced me to try and sleep earlier then I normally would and then wondered why I couldn't fall asleep. If it wasn't bad enough that it was only midnight and still early for me... I was hooked up to all these electrodes so it was not exactly comfortable. When I did manage to fall asleep an electrode would come off so they'd wake me up to put it back on. I'm still not sure if they're goal was to study sleep patterns or make me so tired that I would sleep well the next night. This is one of those times I miss not having a doctor. Not so I can take that drug I saw in the ad earlier... but to go back on the Lorazapam. Now that stuff was great. I can't imagine why they say it's addictive. Knocks you out and you wake up the next morning. In the quest for sleep I even spent $1000 on my mattress. It helps the Fibro but I'm still an insomniac. Although it could be worse... I could be Edward Norton in Fight Club or Christian Bale in the Machinist. So there's always that.

Balance

For me everything in life is about balance... harmony... equilibrium... whatever you want to call it. And no, I am not about to go on a greenpeace, save the world, speech here. More like the laws of physics, "For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction."

Just look at good and evil. Some would say that is all relative. But we can't deny that these terms are opposite and most people fall somewhere in the middle. Although Nietzsche once said, "There is an old illusion, it's called good an evil." They are both terms that we are familiar with. Parents often tell their children to "Be good" and this instills our value system. But no one wants to be good all the time. So we find a balance somewhere in the middle.

There's also chaos & order. The Chinese symbols on the left represent chaos & order. Most of my life has been represented by chaos. From family life and beyond, the lack of stability, and the lifetime of hurt. The last couple of years have been about tipping the scales and bringing order into chaos. I got the tattoo to remind me of the need for balance between chaos & order.

So however you want to look at it: good and evil, yin and yang, chaos and order, may you find peace.

Heather

It's About the Small Things

Today I was relearning that some times it is about the small things you do for someone else. I went into work a few minutes early to send an email to someone. I know... ignoring what I said about the isolation in the global village... But I wanted to let them know I was thinking about them and that I could relate to what they were going through. When they thanked me for taking the time to write the email it made my day. I had impacted someone with something that I didn't even really think about. It was just a small gesture. Sometimes it is about the small things that we do for others.

Survivor in the Real World

Ever feel like Jamie from Survivor: Guatemala, where you become so paranoid that it's all you can think about? He got to the point where he just spent the entire time saying, "You're not going to vote me out, right?" And what did they do? Voted him out. He forgot that it was just a game and let his paranoia take over. Life really is just a game.

Lately, I have an understanding of that paranoia. Certain people have been perpetuating that and seem to enjoy having me watch my back all the time. To them I think they even have themselves fooled into thinking it's in my interest. I think I'd rather be like Jamie and be blindsided then be constantly watching my back and thinking that I have to be perfect all the time or I'll be the next to go.

I am human and am going to make mistakes. That is just a part of life. The important part is that I get up again and learn from those mistakes. If I choose to be paranoid then I don't want to go into work. I remember the days when I came in with a smile on my face and I hope to see that again.

So to those people that want me looking over my shoulder, stop with the lies. Stop trying to create a rift between me and my boss. I'm not buying into it. I am here to do my job to the best of my abilities. So tomorrow when I go to work I am not worrying about what the latest rumour is about me... or who has an issue with me. My only concern is with the coaching I need to do, getting to my phone time and providing the best customer service experience possible. Oh and watering Chris' plants while she is on vacation. I'll try not to kill them, I promise.

"Blindsided! Nice. Now that's how you vote somebody out!" (Jamie's closing comments)

The Global Community or More Isolation?

The internet is a great thing. It brings people together and creates a real sense of community. It is supposed to be a global village... uniting people from all over the world. Sure it is about the only way I find out what is happening since I don't watch the news. But as I write this I wonder whether it really is the global village or just brings more isolation.

I work in a call center so I don't necessarily want to come home and talk on the phone. I rarely write a letter any more since I can just email someone. And I hide behind an email instead of having a face to face conversation. I find it easier to write then to try and come up with the words to say. I've always been pretty quiet and reserved, but the internet.... more specifically email... has shaped how I communicate with others.

What is even sadder to me is that relationships now end in an email... or on MSN. At least with Adam that was a face to face conversation. Tristan, on the other hand, couldn't do it in person. Took the cowards way out and ended it on MSN.

I think the reason that people, myself included, hide behind an email... is that it's safer. Even though your name is on it there is still a feeling of anonymity. And you can't see their reaction to the news. I have a shirt that says "Stare in my face, Stare at my soul." There is a lot of truth to that. The eyes are the window to the soul. And to actually interact with someone means making yourself vulnerable. Having an actual conversation with someone involves not only the words that are used, but also the body language and what the eyes reveal. Sending an email only shows one side of that.

Not to say the internet doesn't have it's benefits. I spend way too much time online and am very much a part of the global village. But I do think it's sad that people find out what is going on in my life from a blog or from an email. As I am concluding this I am inspired to go have a conversation with someone... or would if it wasn't 3:00 in the morning. Just something to think about.

Random Facts

Before someone decides to tag me for random facts... I thought I'd post a few.

1. I live in the same building I work in. Talk about convenience.. or laziness.

2. I have self induced ADD from a head injury when I was 14. Suzanne, I still feel bad about destroying your shirt when I fell off my bike. As a side note, the skull is the only bone I have ever fractured.

3. My favourite shows when growing up were Profiler and Pretender. My favourite shows that are still on the air include CSI, Lost, and Survivor.

4. I'm a big fan of Escher and his impossible figures. Just check out the artwork at my apartment.

5. I've been homeless twice. Fortunately, in both cases I had a couch to sleep on.

6. My favourite PS2 games are Tiger Woods 2005 and Def Jam: Fight for New York. Weird mix I know.

7. The farthest out of the country I have been is Mexico. Really need to do some travelling.

8. Back in my letter writing days I used to make the envelopes out of magazine ads or pictures.

9. Currently, I have 5 tattoos and the most I have paid for one so far is 3 cigarettes. Pretty good deal I must say.

10. Adam got me interested in Japanese anime after I said I would never like it. Now I have Neon Genesis Evangelion in my collection.

11. On a related note... I once called into work robbed after 60 DVDs were stolen. With the help of the pawn shop I was able to recover about 35 of them.

12. Not one of my DVDs is a burned copy, although I did have to buy a DVD player that would play PAL DVDs. Right now I have 237 movies, 13 from music artists, Band of Brothers, Neon Gensis, 5 seasons of CSI, 3 seasons of CSI Miami, 4 seasons of Six Feet Under, Season 1 of Lost, Seasons 1 &2 of Pretender, Earth 2 and 4 seasons of Queer as Folk. My DVD collection is where most of my money goes.

13. My student loan is $54,000 and I'm not even working in the psychology field. But do I regret it? Not one bit.

14. Bought an XBox 360 more to stream my DVD projects to the TV then to play games on. Ordered in September and am still waiting for it to come in.

15. I enjoy board games and trivia. I am such a fan of CSI I have the game to go with it. But the prize of that collection is Scene It. I now have the movie edition, the TV edition and the James Bond edition.

And there you have it... a few random facts about me. Some things you might have known and others probably not.

2 + 2 = 4... Or Does It?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it does it make a sound? Intuitively, I want to say yes because if I am there then I would hear it. And I don't believe that it should depend on me for there to be sound. There is also the physics involved in motion and sound waves. But... sound is also largely relative. We hear things at a certain frequency. We perceive that there is sound and as a result we hear the tree hitting the ground.

Perception equals reality. How we perceive the world is shaped by our background, our culture, our beliefs and our life experiences. If we perceive the world to be a hostile place then that will shape our reality. It will be how we see things and how we interpret it. Our world view is shaped by those perceptions and in turn it is how we are seen by others.

I've been told I am "cold as ice" and unemotional. That was the perception because I didn't outwardly show emotion. Does that make it reality? Yes... and no... Human nature and personality are complex. I do tend to wear a mask that I am strong and feel nothing. I don't want to feel anything for reasons I am not going to get into at the moment. Some people see through the mask while others just believe that I am "cold as ice." But once you have a perception of someone it is hard to change that. You start attributing behaviours and comments to that view you now have of them. In a lot of ways though it really does start with how you see yourself. I thought I had to be strong and show no emotion. So it's no wonder that other people started seeing me that way as well.

I guess my question for you is this, how do you see yourself?

Did My Time

Since my last post was on new beginnings.... and the idea of atoning for the past.... I just thought I'd post the lyrics to a song that I've been thinking about a great deal lately.

Korn
"Did My Time"

Realized I can never win
Sometimes I feel like I have failed
Inside where do I begin
My mind is laughing at me
Tell me why am I to blame
Aren't we suppose to be the same
That's why I will never tame
This thing that's burning in me

I am the one who chose my path
I am the one who couldn't last
I feel the life pulled from me
I feel the anger changing me

Sometimes I can never tell
If I've got something after me
That's why I just beg and plead
For this curse to leave me
Tell me why am I to blame
Aren't we suppose to be the same
That's why I will never tame
This thing that's burning in me

I am the one who chose my path
I am the one who couldn't last
I feel the life pulled from me
I feel the anger changing me

Betrayed
I feel so enslaved
I really Tried
I did my time
I did my time
I did my time
I did my time
I did my time

I am the one who chose my path
I am the one who couldn't last
I feel the life pulled from me
I feel the anger changing me

Oh God, the anger's changing me [x2]

New Beginnings

Maybe it really is time for new beginnings. Today has been one of those days.... Actually this entire week has just been strange. It all started with the flu. Was off work for a few days which is never good. Starting to think maybe I should do something with Chaord Studios. I've got a few DVDs created now... just haven't been motivated to actually make something of it. I keep holding myself back.

Thinking back to the trials and tribulations of this past year... there have been more then a few. Kicked off 2005 with a bang and it steadily went downhill from there. Remind me never to say that things couldn't get any worse. On the up side I do have a roof over my head, and I am still employed. Over all I do love my job... some days more then others.

During my forced vacation I really got to thinking about something Chris said to me. She asked me how long I was going to pay penance for things I couldn't control. I overanalyze things (what a surprise *lol*) and become my own worst enemy. I'm still trying to atone but no matter what I do I don't feel at peace. Maybe one of these days I'll finally decide to just let go and be free... But that's why I said it's about new beginnings. It's time to start over... wipe the slate clean. That's what I am hoping for with the new year just around the corner.