Bankrupcy in 5-4-3-2-1

As you can tell things have not changed in my world. I am no longer optimistic about my fight with interest relief. The best thing I think I can hope for is that I can reapply for interest relief and not have to pay for 6 months. But that won't help me pay the outstanding bills or recover the money that it's already cost me. I get paid again on Fridy but virtually all of it has to go towards rent so I don't get evicted. If my loan hasn't been strightened out by then I think that will be rock bottom, financially at least. By that point I'll be $300 behind in bill payments and the next set of bills will be on the horizon.

As you can imagine I am a little stressed right now about that. There is still a ray of hope that my interest relief will be approved but that ray is rapidly dimming. I don't want to get my hopes up again just to have them come crashing down. After all they denied me and then denied the appeal.

It's also aggravating that they do not take into consideration living expenses. I don't have $600 a month to spend on my student loan. It's not that I don't want to pay it off... I just can't. I already spend almost half of my income (after deductions) on rent. I don't have money to have a life... or buy clothes. I haven't even had money to buy groceries in 3 weeks. Yet I supposedly make too much money to qualify for interest relief.

Back in July I applied for the team leader position but that was a short lived thought. Right about now I am definitely wishing that I had been put forward and at least got the interview. Well okay, I'd really like to have gotten the promotion and the pay increase that would go with it. Had it not been for dad's help I would be even further behind... well basically I would've gone under by now. Dad suggested I either look for a job that pays more or get a rish boyfriend. If I wanted either I firmly believe I would have to move out of Peterborough. I could move to TO and apply for the Apple Retail Store. Sad when retail is a pay increase. But I don't want to. I want to keep working here. In spite of everything that has happened during my time there I still believe in the company and do see the potential. It could be a great place to work. But pretty soon I may not have a choice. I have to make ends meet. *Sigh*

120 Days

Today it has now officially been 120 days since I quit smoking. Hard to believe it is 4 months already. There are still times I am tempted, especially when stressed... but it's gotten easier over time. One of the guys at work forgets that I was a smoker until I mention it. But I was outside every chance I got having a smoke. Healthwise, I do think it has made a difference. I still take it one day at a time... so today is day number 121.

Sick

I called in sick today for the first time since March. With all the stress the Fibromyalgia had been flaring up. By this morning my neck and back were really tight. I didn't want to call in sick but I really felt like I needed a day off to try and relax... Almost impossible but it's a nice thought. I was so worn out that I slept until early afternoon. Still low on energy. I've been pushing myself way too hard... scared to call in sick... completely stressed out... and it's really starting to take a toll on me physically.

$74 < $300

In spite of the fact I just got paid yesterday I now have $74 in my bank account. This time it was the Royal Bank taking money out of my account. It's very discouraging going into work knowing that no matter how hard you work you still won't make enough money. And each day I just get further and further behind. Like right now I need $300 just to pay bills to the end of the month, not including groceries. Kind of hard to do when you have $74 in the bank account. And my next pay cheque will just barely cover rent. I'm no long optomistic about interest relief kicking in after it has been such a long drawn out battle. It's extremely stressful when you work full time but are not making ends meet. It's all I can think about. I feel like my back is against the wall and I have no way out. I can actually understand why people turn to gambling and become addicted to it. Not that I am going to gamble away the little money I have left... but I can see the appeal. I'm not making ends meet as it is... so why not try and win more money somehow. It's a longshot but things aren't working as it is. Dad said maybe I should look for another job, one that pays more. The problem is that I live in Peterborough. I make $13.95/hour. Here that is a respectable wage... I make close to $30,000 a year (or at least would've had it not been for the LOA). It's the cost of living here in Peterborough that's an issue. So I am destined to live from pay cheque to pay cheque with no refuge in sight... barring a promotion any ways.

Invisible Disease

I was talking to Adam earlier tonight and he was saying that he knows someone with Fibromyalgia. They seem to be using it as an excuse to be lazy and he thought of me. I am able to hold down a full time job and don't use it as an excuse. Having said that I also try to do too much and suffer in silence. Fibromyalgia is called an "invisible disease" because you don't appear to be sick. It's a struggle every day for me to get out of bed and go to work. People don't see that. I don't think that fatigue is a good enough reason to miss work but it is hard. All I want to do is get some rest.

But rest is a foreign concept. My immune system was already weak and then I had the flu. That was the end... I'm not sure I ever really recovered from that. I lost 20 pounds... as if I had 20 pounds to lose. I went back to work too soon and tried to finish the semester at school. Not a good scene. Plus I moved in with Adam around the same time. I never got away from the fatigue and it just kept getting worse. But I wouldn't let on how bad it was... as I struggled to get out of bed... never really being awake... I don't even have the energy to be social.

My life revolves around going to work and then going home... It's all I have the energy for. And even then it's debatable. I am still amazed that I can function at work and manage to keep going. It is sheer determination and willpower. That's for damn sure. But there are two things in my favour at work. For one, it's not manual labour. Second, I'm not taking calls all day now so I do get a lot of mini breaks. I find that I need that to get through the day.

I know I should go back to the doctor. But doctors don't seem to take fatigue seriously. Again it's not something that you can easily see (unlike the infection I was battling a couple of weeks ago) and it takes a lot of work to determine why it is. And for me to get to Pickering isn't exactly convenient. So I continue to suffer in silence with this invisible disease.

One Year Ago...

Okay so it's not one year ago today... but rather 1 year ago Saturday... a day that will live forever in memory. It's a day that really shook my sense of justice... as well as my sense of safety and security. It all started with an email that was sent to the entire company... about a birthday celebration at one of the local bars. We won't even go into proper use of the company email... or potential liabilities... but any ways... I decided to go out after work. Mistake #1 was going out. Mistake #2 was drinking. Mistake #3 was telling Mike he could stay at my place so he wouldn't get fired. Mistake #4 was either not going back to Tristan's instead... or letting Mike in. With the exception of the next day when I was at the police station I still have not allowed myself to completely relive the experience. It's still too painful, even a year later. Looking back, if I had known what the aftermath at work would be... and if I had known the charges were going to be dropped because of a lack of witnesses (what the hell did they expect... that it was being caught on camera??) I never would've pressed charges. I know that people have said I did the right thing... and that it took courage to report it and press charges. That may be... and you can think less of me... but if I had to do that part of it all over again I would not have pressed charges. I would've suffered in silence. And for those that say by not pressing charges then he wins... He won any ways... I was the only one that lost. I paid a high price that night and in the following months. It still haunts me...

Songs in the Key of X

Okay so maybe this isn't X Files... but I'm thinking Aliens could do a better job then the government of sorting out my student loan. Might be as much of a conspiracy though. I came home from work and was looking forward to some relaxation. I needed it... but instead get a letter from the student loans center. My appeal was denied. They still seem to think I make too much money. So I pulled the application and the allowble income portion of it. My student loan payments are $604/month... so according to their own forms I can make up to $2378. My declared income was $2312. I know it was close but it was still under the allowable income. So I decided to check my bank statement since they pulled out another payment on September 1st. They were still pulling out the reduced amount...the reduction I never authorized. One of the last times I called in I asked them to put the payments back to the full amount. Looks like they couldn't even do that for me. I ask myself... what the hell do they do all day? I'm thinking it is part of their job description to screw people over... and to actually make mistakes. Normally that would not go over well in a business.... but this is the government. And of course they take more money this way... and if I do default on my loan then I wouldn't qualify for interest relief. They even admitted, when denying my appeal that the cost of living is not factored in. But what exactly am I supposed to do? I am already a month behind and I can't afford to make any more payments. I just don't have the money. I can't even afford to pay my other bills at this point. And I know I should qualify for interest relief. The worst part is that even if I do get it resolved... and finally get my interest relief I get to start this process all over again in another 3 months. *sigh* Will it ever end?

Uneventful Week

It was a pretty uneventful week. Not much going on at the moment. Figured I should post before people start getting concerned though. I'm completely over the infection and no longer sick. Never did take any time off work. But I am currently finishing up my 2 days off. Back to the grindstone tomorrow.

Work was a little stressful this week. All the work that I would normally have 5 days to complete I had to do in 4 days with the holiday. We got it done, but barely. Looking forward to having the usual 5 days to do it.

Had Pat over for a celebration dinner. I wanted to congratulate her for getting team leader. And no I didn't give her food poisoning or anything. *lol* It was a late dinner though since we didn't get off work until 9:30... or at least that was when we were supposed to be off work. Instead it was more like 9:45 before I even got off the call I was on.

Other then that... nothing else to really say. Like I said it has been pretty uneventful. Not entirely a bad thing. I didn't need any more drama. I like peace and quiet.

Mac Addict

The other day I was at work and Pete was reminding me of how nice it is to use a Mac. When I first started working I always said I would never buy a Mac. I could build a PC for much cheaper so why get a Mac? I held to that idea... This year I had a decision to make. I couldn't build a laptop so I was going to be buying one... Do I get a PC or do I get a Mac? Initially I was PC all the way. And then Apple released iWeb... software for web design that came free with the computer. That had a great deal of appeal for me. Just look into the entire iLife suite and it's hard not to like it. The drawback was the price. But since I am a performance coach I figured getting the Mac would also be beneficial for my agents. See I am not entirely selfish.... So I went with the Mac. And when Pete and I were talking I was reminded that, although the first one was a DOA computer, the second has been extrememely stable. With my PC I was reformatting about once a month. I have yet to reinstall with this one. No blue screen of death. In fact I haven't had to restart unless I chose to. It hasn't locked up. So while it costs more... that's not such a bad thing when it means I don't have to spend hours reinstalling or troubleshooting the system. I'm starting to see why Mac users are fanatics. Everything just works... and they are really easy to use. Not to mention everything is Apple... not Microsoft for the OS, ATI (or NVIDIA) for the video card, etc. Looks like I am switching over and am joining the fan club. Less frustration and down time as a result of the switch. And I still have my Microsoft Office. For basic photo editing I have iPhoto. And for those that really do need a copy of Windows there is always Virtual PC for older Macs and either Boot Camp or Parallels for the new intel Macs. Mac addicts unite!