Happy, Healthy & Doing Well

The semester is now half over and I am just finishing up reading break #1. In another 7 weeks it will be time for Christmas break. Wow how time is flying. Knock on wood but I am one of few people in my classes not to have been sick so far. Considering how poor my immune system has been in the past that is a bit of a surprise. But so far it's doing an excellent job.

I know that your emotional well being is tied into your physical well being. When you are stressed out... depressed... etc. it lowers your immune system and causes you to get sick faster. Working in a call center was a combination of emotional negativity which lowered your immune system and it was just a breeding ground for viruses... everyone sharing the same computers, the cleaning crews were lax to say the least and people were coming to work that shouldn't be because they couldn't afford the time off. a recipe for disaster. I hate to see what will happen if people who have H1N1 are going into work.... Company wide shutdown perhaps?

So on an emotional level I am much, much happier... which in turn is keeping up the immune system. I've also gained a little weight... still not up to where I want to be but I am getting there. I am sure that also helps. Plus I am now on the right medication combo. I am on Nasonex for the allergies and more importantly Trazodone for the Fibromyalgia. The pain is still there some days... but it's much better. I can sleep through the night and not feel totally groggy like other medications.

Life is good.... Loving every minute of it. Hope it continues on. :)

Not All Good However

I do have a lot of good things that I can say about the OT. And then there are days like today. Today seemed like a fight. First they made us move downstairs because there were a lack of supervisors. It was packed downstairs and there was a lack of working computers. By the time we might have had working computers we could go back upstairs. Plus I was locked out and waiting for a password reset. My supervisor has me listening to calls... meanwhile someone else on our team got locked out as well and he allowed her to roam so she was answering questions. I was pretty bitter about that and the entire team knows it. After all I am the go-to person on the team for questions but he just keeps denying me the opportunity to roam and then wonders why I don't give a damn and refuse to make an effort. My quality scores will attest to it. Any chance he had of motivating me is long gone. I actually dread my weekly coaching session with him because I don't want to hear it... and nothing he says (short of putting me on disciplinary action) is going to motivate me any longer. That ship has sailed. So then he seemed to be in a bad mood... especially when he got one password reset and I ended up needing another one to be reset as well (blame another supervisor for that... he reset the wrong password last night). Just set the tone for the day. Seemed like we were all fighting customers throughout the day. And then about halfway through the day the Fibromyalgia really flared up and there was severe pain in my hip, half and foot.... I was still going to stick it out but I finally gave up. The money is nice but my health and well being is more important. I still worked my normal 8.5 hours but then I went home. I really needed the time off.... The pain is still there unfortunately but since I am relaxing at home I am not as focused on it. Tomorrow I will be back to the 12 hour shifts but it was nice to have a shorter shift today.

Health & Well Being

Been meaning to post this for a little while. I was reading Therapy Doc's blog over at "Everyone Needs Therapy" like I usually do. There was a post on ADHD and the need for a family assessment before prescribing medication. Now I am not going to comment on ADHD or the treatment options. The only part I want to comment on is the closing line which was, "Of course, medication is so much easier, right?"

It has really made me think about the health care system, the medical model, and what we are willing to accept. Let's face it therapy is work. It is not an easy process. It involves taking a chance... and opening yourself up.... being real. Deep down I am sure that most people would say that if they could just take a medication and skip the hard work of therapy they would. We're prone to go with what's easier. Let's face it this is part of the reason that some people self-medicate.

We seem to have embraced the fact that medication is the be-all and end all. In some circumstances it is warranted but I can't help but wonder if there is an over reliance on medication and a negligence on anything that doesn't fall under the medical model. If it can't be prescribed then it may get overlooked.

I can say, for sure, that the insurance company whole-heartedly embraces the medical model and this may be at the detriment of the patient. Take my Fibromyalgia for instance. I am on Trazodone to help me sleep but this does nothing for the pain. My doctor even admitted that medications wil largely be hit or miss. I go to the chiropractor and this helps tremendously. There's two problems. For one, I have to pay up front and be reimbursed. Compare that to medications where they just swipe my card and deduct the 80% automatically. Secondly, they only cover $200/year. That's only 3 months worth of visits. Then I'm on my own. I don't want to rely on medication when there is a holistic approach that helps. So in the end I feel like I am getting screwed by the health care system. After all I have something that works but affording it is a little more challenging. At least with my old job it was $500 which would cover me for 7 months.

Chiropractic care is just one example.... Therapy is another good example. My company will pay up to $200 to see a psychologist and then you're on your own. You would think by now that people could really get the help they need. But no.... I just wonder if things will ever change. I wonder if we will ever have a situation where people can get the help they need and not just be locked into the medical model where pharmaceuticals rule.

Update on Azrael

I know I just blogged about this... but that was a post that had been in my head for a while. Azrael seems to be eating more the last couple of days. :) I can rest a little easier now it seems. And he is still as happy as ever. Yesterday he decided I made a fantastic pillow. It was already my bedtime and I just wanted to go to bed. But he decided to stretch out across me and looked so cute doing it. How could I resist that? It was especially cute when he started dreaming. But then something got his attention outside and woke him up. Good news for me since I wanted to go to bed.

He's Healthy, Right?

This picture was taken the other day. I thought it was cute that he was holding my hand. Sorry but the cell phone doesn't take the best pictures. They're decent... but nothing special. Any ways when Suzanne and Dave came down over Christmas I was asked if he was losing weight. Now I had been wondering that before but it really hadn't been noticeable. So I weighed him and sure enough he was losing weight. Then, me being me, I started to panic. After all none of my cats ever seem to live past the age of 3 (as an update he just turned 4... Happy Birthday Azrael) plus he had never really lost weight before. Now when Tigger was sick I knew it. For one, he ran away from home. Then when we got him back he didn't eat and pretty well didn't move. I knew something was seriously wrong there. But with Azrael aside from the fact he wasn't eating as much he seemed to be perfectly healthy. He was still as loveable as ever, still playing with his bear, and still grooming himself. He was as playful and active as ever. Not that he ever really was active. His coat still looks healthy and his eyes are bright and shiny. So then I realized that Iams had changed their formula in the cat food. So maybe he doesn't care about his teeth and the new dental formula. I tried the old stuff and while he definitely preferred that he still didn't seem to be eating all that much. I tried wet cat food. He preferred the Iams. I tried kitten food. He preferred his adult food. Maybe he is just adjusting to me being back to work and me working midnights. Cats don't exactly like change. or maybe he is healthy and I am just being over-concerned. Right now he is wagging his tail at me. Azrael is still happy so I guess that is what is important.

On the Topic of Health Care

When I woke up today I was thinking about all the health issues that I want to bring up with my doctor once I am back to work and have health coverage again. The fact I have a list says something right there about the status of health care. For one, my doctor is in Pickering which is quite a drive. Now that wouldn't stop me from going to see him but the lack of money would. I can't afford the treatment since I currently have no medical coverage. Good health care shouldn't only be for those with money. The argument is that the health care is free it's the pharmaceuticals that you have to pay for. So blame the drug companies for the disparity.

As far as the list goes I want a referral to the pain clinic in Toronto for treatment of the Fibromyalgia. A friend of mine has been going there and has found that the treatment has made a big difference. But the medications aren't cheap. Bearable when you have drug coverage but expensive when you don't. I'm also hoping that they can tell me if the fatigue really is from the Fibromyalgia or is caused by something else. It's been off and on for a decade now. Every day plagued by the same haunting desire for just a little more rest. But it's an elusive dream.

For a few months now I have also been congested. At the moment it seems to be getting worse. I've been on antibiotics for other things and it has not gone away. I'd kind of like to know if it's allergies, sinus infection, or something else.

I also want to get the cysts looked at. They keep reappearing.... or not going away at all. And when I wake up quite often there is pain in the muscles. I'm concerned about the possibility of lumps. So I'd like to get a biopsy done to rule out anything serious.

Lastly, I want to try and get him to send me in for a CAT scan or MRI. Before anyone freaks or thinks that there is something seriously wrong it should have been done a long time ago.... like 14 years. I have my reasons but I want to see if there is any lasting damage from the head injury. Oh yeah and I also haven't had an annual physical done in about 5 years... So add that to the list too.

Just a few things to discuss. And with the wonderful health care you get about 10 minutes to discuss one problem. So several trips to Pickering will be in order to get things back on track. It also got me thinking about a place in London, Ontario. When I was going to school there my boss was talking about the Shute Clinic. When you become a patient there it cost something like $200 but they shut down the practice for half a day. They do a complete medical history so you have the chance to address everything that you wanted to and they take the time to find out everything they possibly can. Makes for more complete care. Kind of too bad that more places don't do that.

The great, free health care in Canada. It seems there are a few cracks in the facade. Makes me miss my university days where I had great health care and didn't have to think about the doctor shortage or not being able to afford the medications I need.

If I was a Politician...

There is an upcoming election in Ontario. I feel pretty apathetic towards it... much like I do every other election. My apathy isn't because I don't care who is in power it's because time and time again the things that matter to me aren't on their agenda. So I feel like I am just lost in the sea of nothingness and in the end it doesn't matter who is in power because the changes I want to see aren't going to happen no matter who wins. So what do I want?

I'll start with the one that will be on the agenda.... Improved health care. I would like to see less of a wait time at the hospital. I would also like more doctors available in private practice. As a side note I would also like to see some sort of drug plan for low-income families that has a lower deductible then the Trillium Drug Plan. Health care should be affordable by all.

Dental coverage should be affordable. It is well known that dental problems will lead to other health issues in time. There are no options available to you if your employer does not pay for dental coverage (or if you're on welfare). If it was more affordable then some of those health issues could be avoided. I know, I know.... social assistance programs and health care are already in trouble.

Create more jobs in the Ministry of Labour investigating claims. Currently it takes 6-8 months for them to even begin an investigation because of a backlog in claims. This only benefits the employer and allows them to continue violating the Employment Standards Act in the meantime. In the 6-8 months said employee may choose to seek employment elsewhere or may just give up on the claim. In cases of dismissal it is even more time sensitive. Plus in 6-8 months details may be lost, memories have faded. It can even mean reliving a painful experience. So.... hire more people and reduce that backlog.

Failing that change the law to allow you to drop your complaint beyond the two week mark and file a lawsuit. In a perfect world the 2 week time period is used to allow you to try and work things out with the employer and decide whether or not to pursue the claim. After the two weeks they begin the investigation. So it makes sense that once they have assigned someone to the case that you not be able to just drop the case in favour of legal action. But when new evidence emerges and they are backlogged in some cases it would make sense to be able to drop the complaint and file suit. This would potentially reduce at least some of the pressure from the Ministry of Labour.

Where do I even begin with student loans? Basically I think that they should adopt the 8 points from the Coalition for Student Loan Fairness. When I was in school it was more like a fairy tale. You think you're going to get this nice job when you're done so you don't think about all the debt load you are accumulating. The reality isn't quite so pretty. For one I think that the interest rate should be reduced. Assuming that I don't end up renegotiating my loan I will end up paying about $15,000 in interest over the course of my loan. Secondly, there should be more opportunities for debt reduction programs and interest relief based on hardships. They admitted to me that they do not take cost of living into account when determining whether or not you qualify for interest relief. In the last 3 years the allowable income for interest relief has also not increased to reflect inflation. If a mistake is made it is the borrower that pays, and pays heavily. I have been practically forced into bankruptcy and had my credit rating destroyed because of an error on their part. Thirdly, consolidate all the loans. Right now I have 4 different loans to keep track of and make payments on. Lastly, disability should not be limited to those which occur in the first 6 months and should not take numerous appeals. Sometimes bad things happen to good people. A disability at any point should be counted.

And now I have said my peace. with the exception of health care none of these will likely be seen in anyone's campaign. I lied... Apparently the NDP wants to implement a dental care program for those in need. The NDP are also planning to freeze tuition. Now the Liberals are increasing the funding available for student aid. That is somewhat alarming since more aid typically means more owed down the road. Now they did say that they were increasing grants and loan forgiveness... I heard that too.... and I didn't necessarily see it. They are also working at reducing wait times for certain procedures and have brought in family health teams. I still have no idea what a family health team means or does.... and I just read over the official government information. I am not sure what differences there are in plans for health care between Liberals and Conservatives other then that the latter also wants to introduce electronic records so that data can be shared more easily. Sounds good until the computer crashes. Any ways... a lot of the platforms just sound like the same old rhetoric. The parties point to the flaws from the other guys to make themselves look better and focus on the BIG issues in the media... like health care. There is no Band-Aid solution that is going to make that situation magically get better. It's not Lucky Charms here. But there are a lot of other issues that are just ignored, like the plight of former students. All I can think of now is "Magically Delicious"

Free Health Care, Or Is It?

As I previously mentioned I spent Friday at the hospital. Every time I spend time in the ER it always makes me think of the health care system here in Canada. It wasn't that long ago that being fast tracked actually meant that you were fast tracked. Now I have had times when it was a half hour just to see the triage nurse. Get the handy dandy wristband and you're off to the main waiting area. Then an hour later (or so) you are moved to the fast track area for more waiting. Fours hours (or so) later you're on your way home. Last time I checked the fast track was designed to get you in and out if it was something minor that could be easily checked/treated. So how did we get here?

There is a doctor shortage in many regions at the moment. Too many doctors are heading south or are going to the big cities where they can make more money. This is the reason my doctor is 2 hours away and I never see. The long and the short of it is that we need more doctors.... We need accessible health care. If I had a local doctor I wouldn't have to make use of the ER nearly as often. The same holds true of a number of other people as well. Let's face it if I had a local doctor on Friday I would've been making an appointment to see them instead of clogging up the ER but it's not feasible to drive all the way to Pickering because of a toothache/congestion.

They say that you can't put a price tag on health. But what if you can't afford it? If you have drug coverage count yourself lucky... or if you rarely need medications. I would love nothing more then to be healthy but that takes money. It cost me $43 for the antibiotics from my trip to the hospital on the weekend. I haven't even filled the prescription for my Fibromyalgia medication. Speaking of which there is a treatment clinic in Toronto that would allow me to get personal care and nerve blocking injections. But it costs money to get there and for the medication. So it's a vicious circle. Being healthy would make it easier to look for a job and feel at my best but it requires money.

The same holds true for dental care as well. I really need to get the tooth looked at but I can't afford to. I don't have $200 to spend on it... or $1000 if they wanted to crown the tooth instead. Oh to have a job with dental coverage again. Even once I go back to the land of the working most jobs require that you be there for a year before you get dental coverage.

It costs money to be healthy. While our access to a doctor, even if it means waiting four hours, might be free that's the only thing that is. If I was on social assistance instead of EI then I would have drug coverage. How does that work? I paid into EI on all my paycheques and while it does pay more then welfare at least on social assistance I would have drug coverage and dental coverage. I have discovered that there is the Trillium Drug Program in Ontario. However, with my current income there is a deductible of about $450. So I would have to spend $450 on medications before they would kick in and help out. At which point prescriptions (as long as they're on the list) would be covered and it would only cost me $2 to get the prescription filled. While there is no harm in applying for it there is little chance that my medications would reach that high. Even if it did I don't have that kind of money any ways. Pretty sad when you see prescriptions as a luxury item in the grand scheme of things.

It's All About the Timing

So the last couple of weeks have been pretty rough. I have been fighting Apple to get my computer replaced yet again. The estimate right now is that I will have the new one between July 20th and July 30th. So.... basically I will have been without a working computer for about 8 weeks. Not good.... and I really want it back. I want to banish the PC and go back to my Mac. I really miss it. Plus I have been dealing with the abscess that has sent me to the hospital twice. After 2 weeks the pain finally started to go away and it's now going down in size. But I don't do helpless very well. Needless to say I feel worn out. I feel overloaded and just overwhelmed.

Then on Tuesday I get a call. That's unusual in and of itself *lol* Since it was morning I missed it. But it was my biological mother. She was going to be at the Peterborough zoo on Wednesday and wanted to meet. I was really torn about this. It comes down to timing. I really do want to meet her. But, at the same time, I just wanted to withdraw from the world until I didn't feel quite so overwhelmed. Now I was going to go but when I called to find out the details I just got the answering machine and she did not return my call. So I figured plans had changed. Turns out she did come to Peterborough and I missed it since I was sound asleep.

I'm a little disappointed that I missed out. It's not like I have many opportunities for this. But I am also a little relieved. I already felt like I was fighting with everything. Not exactly the best frame of mind to be meeting someone. Hopefully the next time around I don't have quite so much going on. Who am I kidding? That seems to be the story of my life.

Run Over by a Mac Truck

That's about how I feel at the moment. Ever since I went to the hospital I have felt like I had the flu. Maybe I did pick something up while at the hospital. More likely though it is just a combination of factors. The weather has been really unpredictable over the last week. One day it's nice and warm and the next it's back to being cold and snowing. So my heat is still an issue. I've also been under a lot more stress at work as of late. Well the altercation I had with the Operations Manager is still affecting me. With the Fibromyalgia when I overdo it then I also have this same lack of energy and feel really run down. No desire to eat... I just want to sleep. The fact I've lost 8 pounds in 3 days just makes it that much worse.

In a nutshell I haven't really been taking care of myself. I have been trying to do too much and not taking even a day off work to rest and get better. I keep pushing myself too hard and now feel like I got run over by a Mac Truck. Wonder if I will end up calling in sick... Time will tell.

But seeing as I am off today... Azrael has been doing a fantastic job of making sure I rest. He has spent all day keeping me company while I watch the NCAA basketball games. Azrael keeps curling up on my lap and just lapping up all the attention. When I lay down on the futon he curled up beside me. I ended up having a nap and he curled up on my knees. He seems to be my protector.... looking out for my best interest and reminding me to take a break once in a while.

New Beginnings

I always see the beginning of the year as a time of new beginnings. The old year is done and a new one is just beginning. Out with the old and in with the new. Christie was commenting that it has been a rough beginning to the year so far with my health and my family. With the exception of maybe 2003 this is probably the best beginning to a year since I moved to Peterborough. Maybe that should tell me something. Let's recap:

2003

At the beginning of 2003 I went back to school. I started at Trent, working towards my biology degree. I was working part time while in school so I had money coming in, plus the student loan. Aside from having pneumonia things were going pretty good.

2004

At the end of 2003 I had the flu. I spent the first 3 months of 2004 still recovering from it. I had lost a great deal of weight and just didn't get better. I ended up failing a course and dropped out of school. It was the beginning of 2004 when I had to put Tigger down... a tough time for me. Plus my landlord's son was stealing from me so I really had to get out of where I was living.

2005

My relationship ended and Adam had a psychotic episode leaving me scared for my safety until I moved out and had a new place to live. Maslow was right when he said that safety was your number 1 need. It takes a lot of energy when you have no idea what's going to happen and you have to have someone on speed dial in case you need to leave in the middle of the night. The only good news (or looking back maybe bad news... maybe I should've held off with the promotion) is that I got the performance coach position at the beginning of 2005. Not sure if they were just sick of me constantly applying or if they actually thought I could do the job. I was also given a team... that would turn out to be a huge mistake and would be very costly for a LONG time.

2006

I spent the beginning of 2006 off work, and not by choice either. I was forced onto an LOA for mental health reasons. It was a very brutal time and I won't go into it again. If you want to read about it I have a blog with all the details. As relaxing as it was supposed to be it was an extremely stressful time. I had no idea if I would have a job when I came back or what to expect. As far as I knew I was going back to the same team. I had to seriously contemplate whether or not to come back. And I had no income the entire time I was off. I finally got my EI after I had returned to work. The best news when I came back was that I was being moved to another team but even then I didn't know what to expect. People were trying to make me paranoid and were telling me that I was being closely monitored and if i fucked up again I'd be out the door. The first couple of months after I came back were still pretty stressful.

2007

I have been sick for the last month... but my health is an ongoing issue. I was born with respiratory distress so every winter I tend to be sick. At least this year I haven't had bronchitis. The Fibromyalgia doesn't help either. I don't have the flu so I can live with it. The big one is obviously my family. My parents are getting divorced and so now I am trying to make sense of that. I am just dreading the long, drawn out fight that it will likely become. But since they were living in different provinces it wasn't entirely unexpected. On a positive note I receieved a letter from my biological mother and she wants contact... I had prepared myself for nothing... so this is a big deal.

So far I would say that 2007 is the best year, at least since 2003. Why is there always so much drama in my life? *lol* I could really do with some peace and quiet....

Almost Ready to Throw in the Towel

The way this week is going I am almost ready to throw in the towel. I get home tonight and was going to have a hot shower... There was a sign up downstairs saying that the water was going to be turned off tomorrow morning (much like it was this morning) but they didn't say anything about tonight. I had no hot water at all. So much for that thought.

I've been struggling a lot this week with my blood sugar. I think because I had a few days there where I wasn't keeping anything down it's throwing everything out of whack. Plus my current stress level. I'm not eating enough and am running low on energy so I don't want to eat. I think I need a vacation... or at least some down time.... I just don't see it happening.

I came home to a letter from the National Student Loan Center saying that I was behind in my payments, which is true. Courtesy of the fight I have going with them over interest relief I am behind on my payments. But according to them I am 2 payments behind and it should only be one. In January I was on interest relief and that leaves February. March's payment is actually due at the end of the month. So they are compounding the stress I was already feeling. And I know if I pay them I'll never get the money back.

Next to family the big thing right now is work. I am the most frustrated I have been in a long time... probably since my LOA. It seems like nothing I do is good enough. Overworked and underpaid... and definitely not given enough appreciation. I come in day in and day out and for what? We won't meet our mandate this month... it won't even be close. So we'll be hearing about that at the end of the month. We never really hear about it when we meet the mandate but will be asked to explain it this time around. The first two years I was there I was a golden child. Then I dropped out of school to work here full time and it went downhill from there. I moved to a team where the manager had the tendency to keep an eye on you... and a close eye at that. My mistake was commenting that he was out to get me. That got me in the bad books of the current head of Operations and it has been a rough road ever since. He held me back for performance coach. I'm nothing if not persistent though. I refused to quit... and applied again. When I did get the position they thought Chris and I would blend well... in spite of the fact our personalities are complete opposites. Obviously that went well... so well I got sent on an LOA. But I still came back. I'm like the dog that you just kick and they keep coming back for more. I will not quit. I got told when I came back it was like a new beginning... which was complete bullshit. Everything that happened before the LOA still counts against me, even though the doctor they sent me to said I was suffering from clinical depression. So much for the new beginning. I was held back from applying for anything... or correction I could apply but it wouldn't go anywhere. Then I said something stupid without thinking... and it was taken the wrong way and back on disciplinary action. Another 6 months before I can apply for anything. And even those postings that don't involve disciplinary action I can't apply for. I got to find that out today. The 8 week leadership course won't be happening... Christie is not putting my name forward. That was tough. It seems like no matter what I do I am being held back. Maybe it is fate but it seems like I have to fight for everything there... and I feel like I won't make it past this point. I feel like I've been black listed and have a very difficult road ahead of me if I continue to fight.

But I am an idealist. I still believe in the company and I keep thinking that it will get better... and if I just stick it out then I will eventually get to where I want to be. Or maybe I am just a glutton for punishment. I'm like most people though... You don't want to look elsewhere when you have steady income and I do make more then at other call centers in the area. Not to mention the fact that if I was job hunting I would want to get the hell out of Peterborough. I hate it here.... And for now am frustrated enough to cry.

“An optimist is a person who sees only the lights in the picture, whereas a pessimist sees only the shadows. An idealist, however, is one who sees the light and the shadows but, in addition, sees something else; the possibility of changing the picture, of making the lights prevail over the shadows.” —Felix Adler

Insane or Just Dedicated?

I am currently trying to decide if I am completely insane or just dedicated. I went to the hospital last night. I got there at 2:15 a.m. and was actually out of there at 3:15. I am thinking that might have been a bad thing. Any later and I would've just called work and slept all day. Instead I had the thought that I could almost get 8 hours of sleep and then get up, pick up the prescription and go to work. So that was exactly what I did. And right now I am so worn out it's not even funny.

All day I just felt like my head was spinning. I just felt completely overwhelmed by the amount of work we need to do by the end of the month. It was also really warm so I was having trouble with my blood sugar all day. I didn't get much accomplished so I am not sure that it was worth going on. I mean I got some administrative tasks out of the way... but that was about it. About halfway through the day I wanted to go home and have a drink... it was not a good day.

And of course I wasn't really on the medication either since the prescription was for a nasal spray. So all I was taking is the decongestant. Not the best plan let me tell you. Now I will be heading to bed shortly and am hoping that actually being able to get 8 hours of sleep will be beneficial.

In Sickness & in Health

I am finally so fed up with being sick that I am heading down to the ER. I am really dreading the thought since I don't like sitting around there waiting. Not to mention the hospital always seems run down and filthy. Not what you expect from a hospital. I really miss being in London for many reasons... health care is one of them.

I kept thinking that I was just going to get better... After all it's just a cold. But after a month I am still congested and fighting with sinus pressure and pain. It's been pretty miserable. My sinuses on the right hand side are actually swollen. I have tried so many different things to clear it up: hot showers, saline nasal spray, Nyquil, Dayquil, and Vicks vapoinhaler. None of them have had any effect. And you get to the point where buying more over the counter medication is just pointless.

Ever since Thursday I've not been able to keep anything down either... Well I could eat sandwiches for lunch... but no matter what I was eating for dinner it wasn't being digested properly. And you can really only go through that for so long.

The worst part is that I was actually going to go to the hospital after work tonight so that I could make it to work tomorrow. Now that is dedication. But the lineup was to the door... and that was just for the triage. So I decided to go home and have dinner. Taking it easy and resting... Then I am going back to the hospital later tonight. Definitely not making it to work tomorrow. Gonna focus on getting better and just rest. So unlike me *LOL*

Misery Loves Company

This is now my fourth day with a headache... and my head still feels like it is going to explode. I am beginning to wonder if I really did learn to share in kindergarten or if I need to go back to school. As horrible as it sounds I almost want someone else to be sick just so someone else shares my pain. Misery loves company after all.

Job Vs Career

The last couple of weeks have brought with it a lot of thought. Ever had those times when you think you are just swimming against the current and expending all your energy in a futile activity? We have probably all had those times when we think we are just spinning our gears.... That is how I feel at work. I keep thinking that things are going to change.... they're going to be different. But no matter how much things change they stay the same.

I've begun thinking about whether or not this is a job or a career.... I dropped out of school to pursue a career here. I want to think that this is where I should be and where I will be for years but the more I tow the company line the more I wonder if I am really just selling myself out. I look back to the post I wrote in December on Learning to Say No and realize the situation hasn't changed. I am still trying to take on too much. I am giving 110% to the company and taking it away from myself.

And for what? What am I sacrificing all this for? I make $14.15 an hour... I can't even afford to make my student loan payments. I don't take the breaks that I am allotted to and don't get paid for it either. I do it for the team and because I am damned if I do and damned if I don't. If I don't get the job done then I have to answer to Christie as to what happened. I already know that if I did take the breaks like I am supposed to the mandate would not be met.

I step up and get the job done. I may not stand out, preferring to work in the background. I'm like the worker bee. I keep my head down and just keep on working... But people tend to forget about all the work these people do. Christie just expects me to get it done... even though last week when John was off on vacation there are very few people that could've got the job done and actually met the mandate. I was pretty proud of it and didn't get any acknowledgement at all. Makes me wonder what the point was of working that hard....

Over the last 4 years it has just seemed like one thing after another has been standing in my way and holding me back. Seems like it is fate. Can you really get away from fate? At first I went back to school so it made sense that I couldn't apply for anything. Even when I had the flu I came back to work and continued to work the 10.5 hour shifts. It took a toll on my health because I came up too soon. I knew the effect of absenteeism and didn't want to add to the drain. For the first two years things were going well... relatively speaking. Then I went to a new team and found myself in a situation where the team leader and I had a personality conflict. For the first time ever I wanted to quit... Instead I moved to another team and took on another skill. I figured the more skills I had the more valuable I was to the company. And then I got the promotion to PC. I am still wondering if I should've held off until the next round of hiring. 7 months... and then a 7 week vacation... I debated coming back but I am loyal and still believed in the company. Even when they tried to tell me I was depressed... or were monitoring me.... I am beginning to wonder if I am trying to fool myself.

I guess the big question is whether or not this is a job or a career... Am I just spinning my wheels and going nowhere? As much as I like being a performance coach I don't want to do it forever. But am I ever going to move up in the company or will I be moving out? It's a tough one to answer. If I stay what will the cost be? For 9 months now I have been giving up my breaks to get the job done. Lately it has really been taking it's toll... both with the cold... and the fact I'm not eating. Not to mention the fibromyalgia and the pain it brings with it.

I don't want to quit... But I'm no longer sure whether that is because of the job... or because I just want to please people and keep the peace. I know I want to stay for the agents. Any advice you want to give is greatly appreciated. I feel like something needs to change... I just don't know what.

Health & Well Being

On Tuesday I had to walk home from the chiropractor. I just knew I was going to wind up sick. I had already been fighting the congestion. It was about -24 degrees with the windchill and I had my laptop on my back. I was pretty drained. Wednesday I woke up and was definitely fatigued. By the end of the day I was exhausted. I got home from work and had a headache so I ordered dinner from Swiss Chalet. By the time it got here (which was an hour later) I didn't care about eating... I just wanted to sleep. I had dinner and then curled up on the futon. I don't normally fall asleep watching TV but I was out cold. I woke up because my neck was kinked and Azrael was asleep on my knees. I wasn't up for very long before I actually crawled into bed. I woke up this morning and even though the heat was on full it was 19 degrees in the apartment. My head was pounding from the congestion. My head feels like it is going to explode. I still dragged my ass out of bed and went to work. Felt pretty miserable all day. Came home and didn't even have the energy to eat. Even now it's all I can do to stay warm and stay awake. Make it stop....

Misery Loves Company

The weekend is now wrapping up. It has been a quiet weekend which is nice. It's a weekend where I just want to be left alone. I am currently somewhat miserable. I never take it well when I am sick. I just want to be feeling better and I want to be feeling better now. Add to that fatigue and pain from the Fibromyalgia and I just want to rest and be left alone. Not to mention the canker... or the cut and it's been a wonderful weekend.

I also realized yesterday that when injured... or sick... I revert back to when I was a kid. It's no wonder people take on a nurturing role with me. I can't (or more accurately don't know how to) take care of myself. I was never taught those skills. When I was born I was 9 weeks early and in respiratory distress. They weren't sure I was going to make it. So my mom was over-protective... to the point of not teaching me anything.

The reason I noticed it yesterday was because I am currently feeling a cold coming on. To most people that would mean they take it easy, rest and drink plenty of fluids. Me... I try and keep up with my normal pace... drink Coke instead of water. I just don't end up taking care of myself. And then there was also the cut. Because of the location it was hard to stop the blood. I couldn't find any polysporin so I got out the isopropyl alcohol and applied that. Talk about pain and then slapped another band-aid on and hoped the bleeding would stop.

Maybe I just need someone to take care of me *lol* I have this image in my head now of a little kid with their thumb in their mouth holding a security blanket.

Congested

I am currently feeling pretty congested. I'm not sure if I am actually sick or if it is just from the dry heat at both my apartment and work. I'm having some difficulty breathing. It's funny because I can hear Christie coughing at her desk and then I have the sniffles. At least I know she's not the one that got me sick. *lol* One of these nights I think I'll have a rosemary bath. It just won't be tonight. I have to go to bed earlier tonight since I have a chiropractor's appointment in the morning. Hopefully I feel better soon though.

When it Rains it Pours

Why is it that when it rains it really pours? The heating issue still has not been resolved... obviously since I posted about it yesterday. There is the humidity issue. The landlord gave me my annual notice of a price hike... AKA the annual money grab. They have no reason not to increase the rent on an annual basis. And then there is the fact they seem to think I owe them money even though my rent has been paid on time.

If that wasn't enough I am really getting concerned about the water. I went to fill Azrael's water dish the other day. The water didn't look clear... In fact it looked like there was soap or something in the water. I didn't want him drinking that. I decided to just fill it with water from the Brita. So I went to clean it out first. Now the water dish is stainless steel and all I used was a paper towel. The paper towel turned red when mixed with the water. Red? That can't be healthy... When I did fill it up with filtered water I was amazed at the difference and finally realized just how cloudy the water had been.

Also got me thinking... Recently I had been noticing what appeared to be an allergic reaction. I had these weird red marks on my arms and it would get really itchy. I also noticed it most often when having a shower. Makes me wonder if the two aren't related... I'm thinking there is something in the water, like rust or another sediment.

But I'm reluctant to even try and get the superintendents to fix it. After all it really is like pulling teeth to get anything done. It took two months to get my balcony door fixed when I first moved in. 8.5 months later the heat still has not been resolved satisfactorily. Right now the heat is on max just to keep it warm... and then I'll probably need to turn it down and it will drop below 20. There is no happy medium.