Shh.... It's a Secret

I'll start this with a preamble of my own. Now that Suzanne has tagged me I am supposed to go on to tag others to share their own secrets. I am not going to do that. Most of the people I know with blogs have already been tagged. And for anyone that hasn't I don't want them to feel obligated to share all. If they want to then they can. No pressure. Online my life seems to be an open book so I am not sure what to say... Besides my family reads this so there are certain things I am not about to share. But without further adieu.

Rules: People who are tagged need to write in their own blog these rules & the eight things. At the end of the your blog post, tag six people and list their (blog) names. Leave a comment on their blog telling them they've been tagged and encourage them to read your blog.

Secret # 1. I studied psychology in school because that was what I knew. I had no idea what I was really good at so I went with what I knew. If I had it to do all over again I am not sure that's what I would choose for myself. But then I am 28 years old and don't know what I want to be when I grow up.

Secret # 2. After being fired from work I actually was more concerned with doing what was best for the company than what was best for me. Can we say doormat? I really need to start looking out for my own interests... not to the point of being completely selfish but so that I don't get completely taken advantage of.

Secret # 3. I sleep with the stuffed bunny that I had as a child on my bed. It helps reassure me and is calming when I get stressed out.

Secret # 4. I really should see a therapist but I think my education is holding me back. Since my degree is in psychology I feel like I already know the answers and what I need to change. It's like they say... "Physician heal thyself."

Secret # 5. When in high school I thought that popularity was one of the signs of success. I thought that I needed a large number of friends and to be social all the time. I have since realized that I am more content in isolation with just me and Azrael. I really am a loner at heart.

Secret # 6. The Chinese horoscope is definitely accurate in it's description of me and finances. Money is nothing more then a means to an end. It does not bring happiness. If I have money I spend it. The word "save" is not in my vocabulary.

Secret # 7. I have a tough time with the A&E show "Intervention." I feel like I am a voyeur and it makes me a little uncomfortable to be invading someone's privacy that deeply. I put myself in the shoes of the addict and wouldn't want the entire world to see me like that. It also makes me realize that I would not want my friends and family to corner me in an intervention. So if you ever feel the need think twice.

Secret # 8. I am one of the only people that has self-induced ADD. After falling off my bike when I was 14 I fractured the skull. When I went to see my family doctor afterwards she told me that I would likely have trouble concentrating on task and would need to focus. She was right. I have to work at it. So if you ever think I'm not paying attention I could be multi-tasking or just struggling to pay attention. If I had the hyperactivity to go with it then right about now I would be saying it's time to go ride a bike.

Consumer Consumed

I was sorting the recycling the other day and it really does say a lot about you... As anyone that knows me would guess it largely consisted of empty Coke cans. But there were several Kleenex boxes as well... from the congestion I've been experiencing for a while now. Add to that a number of empty cans of Pringles, a sign of one of the current addictions. And you can't forget the empty KFC boxes. Mmm... Toonie Tuesdays. Reminds me of being in school. Made for a cheap meal then too. I realized that there is a lot of waste. Sure I might be recycling it but there is still a lot being consumed.

The items in the recycling bin tell a story about who I am... and what I buy into. But you just have to look around my apartment to see the consumer culture at work. There are Coke bottles being used as decorations. By the door are not one but two pairs of Nike shoes. I've already mentioned that my closet is just full of brand names. But it's not just in clothes. Brand names abound. I have Martha Stewart bedding and towels. And just look in my kitchen cupboards. Even those items that undoubtedly taste the same but cost less because they lack a brand name are nowhere to be found. Instead there are Lipton Sidekicks, Black Diamond cheese slices, Cheerios, etc. I've bought into the propaganda... errr... marketing.... that if it is made by a known company then it somehow "must" be better. You relate to the brand name.

But no matter what I own materialism does not bring with it happiness. And while I might be laying my head on a Sealy bed at night no one but me (well now anyone that is reading this) would know that. And I know that Azrael doesn't care that he's currently lying on a Harley Davidson blanket. As long as he gets attention and his bowl filled with Iams every couple of days he is quite content.

Likewise the people that really care about me don't really care if I am wearing the latest fashion line from the Gap (which in my case just might be Gap kids). In fact most of them probably wouldn't even notice what I was wearing. As long as I have clothes on and they don't look really hideous.... Maybe I should try that and see who notices. The hideous clothes that is... not being completely naked. Love my friends and all but not quite that much. *lol*

Medical History

Today in the mail I got the consent form. I have to mail that back tomorrow. But I also got the medical history. It's pretty basic in the information it provides but it did fill in a few blanks. I'm not going to post the medical history here because I don't think it's fair. This is my family's history and I think some things don't need to be published for the entire world to see. If you really want to know then you can ask. And no Suzanne there wasn't a name on the paperwork. Have to wait a little longer to answer that question.

I Like Me

"I like me" may seem like a really odd statement to most people who are reading this... but it has taken me a long time to get to that point. For the longest time my identity was forged by the people who knew me and especially by the relationship I was in. My sense of self-worth was in essence shaped by my relationship with others instead of myself. It doesn't take much to realize that my self-worth was really low. I went from relationship to relationship because without being with someone I didn't think I had any value... I looked at things with a really distorted lens and had trouble just being me. And now.... I like me.

The Masks We Wear

It's not just actors that put on masks and try to conceal their true identity. Everyone wears masks at different times. We do it to avoid being hurt... or to be what other people expect us to be. It's human nature. It's also about psychology and the need to protect ourselves.

Growing up I was wearing so many masks that I actually forgot what was behind the mask. My main identity was that of a ghost. I wanted to blend into the background and not be noticed. Just ask the people who knew me in high school. Chances are they remember very little about me. It was a conscious effort to fit in and not be noticed. But it was an assumed identity. It's not who I am naturally. Ask anyone that has known me for any length of time. I talk... a lot... and I don't do a good job of blending into the background.

There were other masks... all designed for self preservation. Over time I have stopped hiding so much and am getting better at being true. There is a dichotomy though. Part of me wants to just blend into the background at work. Part of me is still scared of standing out. I feel like if I did then I would be exposed as a fraud. That people would think I didn't know what I was doing and didn't deserve the position. Deep down I know that's not true... That I know my shit and am in the position for a reason. But it's hard for me to see it and believe it. Since I said it was a dichotomy part of me does want the recognition and wants to stand out. After all if you want to advance people have to take notice. It takes ambition, hard work, and getting noticed. But which mask do I need to wear to get to where I want to be?

Adoption Disclosure Registry

After playing phone tag with Linda from the Ministry of Community and Social Services I finally got to speak to her today. She was quick to point out that she was from the Adoption Disclosure unit which I already knew. Apparently they found my mother and wanted to confirm some information with me. They actually found her some time ago so the whole thing has been in limbo. They needed to make sure I didn't want to add any additional information in their letter to her. I guess I filled out a survey back in 2003 when they began the search. I don't remember it. So she read off what I had written. Looks good... told her to go ahead with it. She said the contact would be in the next couple of months. I'm not sure how to feel at the moment. On one hand I kind of feel for my biological mother... She is about to get a letter (at least I assume it's a letter) out of the blue. Nothing like being reminded of the child you had 28 years ago. For so long my identity has basically been a big question mark with lots of unknowns. Who am I? What were my parents like? I feel like I am so close... yet still so far away. I may come out of this knowing nothing at all... or I may learn a great deal. It's also reminiscent of Pandora's box. I have no idea what to expect or what truths there are. I do know that it's not a fairytale and am not expecting it to be perfect. The most important thing for me is that I finally get to do what I have said all along. I get the opportunity to say thank you for giving me up, for trying to give me a better life and thinking of my needs first. If that is all that happens I am okay with that.