Absurdity of it All

I was talking to Adam last night and he made an excellent point. With everything else that is going on why pick a fight over stying in a hotel room? At the end of the day it really doesn't matter. It shouldn't even be an issue. I'm 27 and it's my choice if I head up on Thursday night. In the grand scheme of things it's a non event. Who the fuck cares what decision I make? To even debate it doesn't even make sense. I still have to face the unknown and the reality that I could have just about anything, from a vitamin B12 deficiency to leukemia. I don't believe it's serious but I still have to prepare myself for it. So an argument over spending $100 to stay in a motel to make things easier is absurd. And it's sad. It's sad because energy was wasted on this argument. It's sad because all it did was cause more pain. And it's sad because it caused the relationship to be even more strained. So the next time you want to argue over something small and trivial... stop and think about it. Ask yourself if at the end of the day it is a big enough issue to argue about. If not... then just let it go.

38 Days

That's how long I have been without nicotine. Some people have been really supportive. Some people also choose not to smoke around me. But there is still one person that chain smokes around me and then says to let them know if I want them to stop. I'm a doormat so I don't want to oice my opinion. I also figure I don't want to wind up fighting with him over it. Overall it doesn't bother me but it doesn't help me either since it just reminds me... and with the current stress I am not sure I like the reminder. Plus I am inhaling the second hand smoke which is even worse. Hell at that point I might as well just have a smoke. I don't think it's the smoking that bothers me... I think it's just him.

They say you are supposed to celebrate each milestone... the first day...the first week... the first month... etc. So far I haven't done any of that. Usually I am too busy watching the days go by with work. Plus I never seem to have money to celebrate with. Hmm... what can I do to celebrate me quitting smoking?

Friday

So 4 days until I go see the hematologist... Tomorrow I am off, Wednesday I am working days, Thursday I am working nights and then I have to be at the doctor's Friday morning at 9:00 a.m. I am still weighing my options and still don't like either choice. My big concern is that if I drive up Friday morning I will be too tired to go to work and will call in sick. I would get paid for the day since I have sick days to use but would lose the holiday pay for July 1. So it would end up costing me more then staying in a hotel would. But, if I go up the night before then it will turn out to be a costly trip... If it wasn't the pay cheque where I have to pay rent it wouldn't be such a big deal. But after rent there isn't a whole lot left for other things. Even my team manager is recommending that I go up there the night before. Guess she doesn't want me to be cranky at work. Can't say I blame her... I can only imagine what I'll be like on so little sleep and trying to work for 8.5 hours. Why can't there be a third option? Better quetion... why can't the appointment be a little later in the day?

Sigh of Relief

I've decided I hate running errands... especially on my day off. I never seem to get to relax and enjoy the day. I had to go pick up the mail and then on a Coke run, time to stock up. Off to the bank and then I had to actually pay bills. Lastly I had to go to UPS to pick up a package. Even after I got home the jobs didn't stop. I had to order a backpack for carrying the MacBook Pro in. I was a little sick of killing my back every time I had to walk home. Then I had to leave agan to go grocery shopping. Got home again and had to do laundry. So I feel like I have been running all day. The good news is that I don't have anything I need to do tomorrow so I can actually relax.

I also got to breathe a sigh of relief. I called the student loan center since I hadn't received my application for interest relief and would have to pay the loan in a few days. With everything else that is going on I really don't have the money for it. As it turns out they didn't even send the form. So they are faxing me the form tomorrow. Either way they are not taking the payment. 48 hours after the application gets there it should be on my file. Then I called the Royal bank and they delayed the payment for me. Finally some good news!

Irritated

Today was one of those days... I'm not sure if it was because I was finishing up a six day stretch and was just really tired... I really haven't been sleeping well. But I was really irritated by the end of the day. Of course, starting the morning at 8:30 with Steve here thinking I was on a day shift really set the tone for the day and the bad mood continued. I'm thinking it was just because it was long stretch at work. There were a few times I just wanted to be left alone so that I could get my work done... Instead I always have people asking questions or stopping to talk. And then there were the calls. I just wanted to go home. The hour and a half call really did not help. It was either being back on night shifts or the end of the long stretch. By the time my shift ended today I was normally relaxing on the couch. But then I was also able to sleep in today. I've been home for a little over an hour and I am still annoyed.

Thoughts of the errands I have to run tomorrow don't make it any easier. I have to call the student loan center and fight with them again. I hate dealing with them and the bank. That thought always puts me in a bad mood. Then I have to get them to either fax the forms to work for me or send them again. Sigh. Plus I have to go pick up the mail again. That's always a pain. Then I have to go to UPS and pick up a package. Oh yeah and the bank. I hate errands... and more importantly... I hate dealing with my student loan.

The only good news is that I have the next two days off and am going to try and rest. Easier said then done since all I want to do is hide from the world and not see anyone. No errands... just watching TV and trying to reduce the amount of stress in my life so that when I go back to work I am not still feeling frustrated and stressed out.

Shut Up Already!!!

Don't worry I am not referring to the people who are currently reading this. That seemed to be the longest drive home from work. It was brutal. Steve was driving 35... 35??? No one I know drives that slow. He wanted to do something tonight. Hmm.. not high on my priority list. And he would not shut up. I have said before that I am not one for small talk. And I really don't care how many people he owes... or what he is going to do with his storage units. I just want to go home and unwind... not hear about more useless shit. Silence... that was all I wanted.

Six Feet Under

I've been sitting around with the entire series of Six Feet Under for quite some time now. I keep telling myself I am going to watch it and never do. I had seen seasons 1 and 2 but since there are 5 seasons I was a little behind. Pat borrowed the end of it... which inspired me to start watching the rest of them. So it's been a week long marathon with at least 1 episode per evening. I'm already done season 3... on to season 4

Silence

First of all, I want to say that work today was not a good day. The calls were fine but I had to log multiple cases for each call. I was still logging them when I started my coaching time. It was about a half hour later when I finished that. Then it was time for lunch. Then I could actually start listening to calls. I've really been struggling with that this week... just with other things that I needed to do. I was able to get 4 done today but I was also there an hour late. 3 of them were on brand new agents... who still have the deer in the headlights look. 2 of them were decent calls but the calls tend to take longer then senior agents, and so does the coaching. So right now I still have to listen to 7 agents in the next two days and have a meeting tomorrow as well. Normally that wouldn't be difficult... but this week it seems to be. The last call I listened to today was over an hour long and was a brutal call. I couldn't even coach him because he ended up taking another call and then said he had dinner plans so he left. So that was my day at work.

I am beginning to think that I should just kep isolating myself and not talk to anyone. The silence is sounding better and better. I got home and felt obligated to call mom and tell her that I did have to go see the hematologist. I should really resist that impulse. I made the mistake of telling her that I was considering going up the night before. Well that became a battle. She seemed to think I should just get up at 5:30 or so and head to Scarborough and then be dead tired for work. Let's say I did try that... If I ended up calling in sick I would lose $224 since it would be a day off, and I would not get the holiday pay. And I still think I would be more relaxed going up the night before. Last time I checked I was old enough to make my decisions, good, bad or otherwise. Even when I said I was not going to discuss it she couldn't let go. Then started saying "Good luck with all your endevours." It actually sounded like she was never going to talk to me again. I'm already under enough stress. I don't need this shit.

Dilemma

Right now I have a bit of a dilemma. My appointment with the hematologist is at 9:00 a.m. next Friday in Scarborough. So as it stands now I would be working until 9:30 the night before and then would have to get up at 6 in the morning to make it there on time. Then come back and work my shift. Something tells me that is not a good option. The alternative is to drive up there the night before so I can get some sleep and not be really bitter by the time I make it to work. There are 2 problems with this thought though. Hotels are not cheap and I'm not sure I have the money to spend on it. The other problem is that I do not want to be sharing a room with SS overnight. Believe me... that is not appealing. Decisions, decisions... It would make life easier to drive up there the night before but it's about $150... and then there is SS. So unless I can find another ride, in which case it's a no-brainer.

Anger Issues

Christie was coming around telling people what their incentives will be... Mine was decent but, of course, I did miss 7 weeks. So that reminded me that I still hadn't received my annual review yet. Christie dared me to email Chris about it... I'm not sure I want to. There are still some unresolved anger issues there.... and I don't want to end up on disciplinary action for not being able to keep my mouth shut. It's been almost 6 months since I was her performance coach so, to me, the did wells and what to do differently isn't even relevant any more. And I can only imagine what she would have to say.

This also got me thinking about the 3 months before my LOA. If I worked at 1:00 I would crawl out of bed around 12:30. Not that a whole lot has changed but I really had difficulty getting out of bed. All I wanted to do was get more sleep. My days off I would sleep for 12-14 hours, which I still do now. I wasn't even functioning any more. I was actually losing my cognitive abilities which scared me. I couldn't think and words just weren't coming to me. For someone that spends a great deal of time thinking that was pretty terrifying. And whenever I said I was tired I got the standard line, "Don't use being tired as an excuse." I wasn't... it was an honest answer. If you said something to me it would either be scrambled in my brain and I couldn't comprehend it or it would go in one ear and out the other. I was in rough shape. And even when I was home I was rarely resting... since I had quizzes to do and other things as well. So it was a losing battle and I was being told it was just an excuse.

Then I snapped and ended up on the LOA. Now the doctor just wanted to say I was depressed so instead of running tests he just sent me to see a psychiatrist. Yeah I definitely have resentment and anger over that one. Had he looked into it and run the blood work he would've discovered what ended up taking another 4 months to learn. So I was just marginalized and no one would listen to me.

But it got better.... Chris basically accused me of lying when I said it was the Fibromylagia. I don't like being accused. I had already agreed to a mild case of depression but I would not accept major depression as the answer. I knew better. That bothered me right from the start. Fortunately, I didn't talk to her the rest of the LOA. Since I took Zoloft for 1 day... that was the extent of treatment for the depression that I supposedly had. Beyond that it was all about the sleep deprivation. If I was going to be depressed now would be a really good time to sink into a depression. Of course, I am on 2 anti-depressants currently... one to quit smoking and one to help me sleep.

So I do have some lingering anger over that whole situation. Now the LOA did some good for me... I finally got some rest and got a family doctor which led to the fact there's a medical basis for the fatigue. Part of me really wants to say, "I told you so" and lash out. But I know that I really shouldn't do that.

I've spent the entire time defending her and standing up for her... looking back I am not sure why. She expected perfection of me and nothing was going to be good enough. A good team manager never would've let it escalate to the point where they considered me a danger to myself and to others. Fuck you... I'm a doormat. I'll never hurt someone else. And, as for the cutting, all they did was give me more of an incentive. But if you want to call it depression... negativity... the whole nine yards... the warning signs were there. It should've been dealt with sooner in my opinion.

The most important thing to me is that work was wrong... Chris was wrong... the doctor was wrong... No one can force me into psychiactric treatment... so how did work get away with it? They blackmailed me into the medication... and the psychiatrist.... so that I could return to work. Had I not taken the initiative to find a real doctor, instead of a quack, I still wouldn't know that my blood count was low.

So am I angry? You bet I am. I was completely disrespected, called a liar, and then had a doctor slap a label on it so that he didn't have to do any work. And to think since it was an EAP consult he got paid a lot of money to say I was depressed. I was blackmailed and I lost money since I wasn't working. Lost 2 weeks pay and then was only making 60% of my wages. My incentive was also lower because of the time off. So, in a nutshell, I got screwed.

The best thing about my return to work... moving to a new team. I am much happier now...more relaxed... quit smoking and haven't tried to kill anyone. I also get a lot more respect over there.

Stress & Fear

I was a little tired when I got up this morning. I had too much on my mind last night and had trouble sleeping. Not a good way to start the day. Took calls like usual and then was given a "special" assignment. Okay so I got it because Pat wasn't in. About halfway through the day I developed a really bad migraine... something I haven't had in a while. Now my back and shoulders had been bugging me for a few days.

Fortunately, I had a chiropractor's appointment right after work. She could tell that it was stemming from the left side of my neck. She seems to think that I am just getting more and more stressed out as time goes by. It's the uncertainty of it all. And the fact that I do have to see the hematologist after all. I think part of me was still hoping that I wouldn't have to... but no such luck.

I think the best words to describe my world... stress and fear. I'm afraid of what the results might be. And it's been over a month since I was at the doctors so I have had plenty of time to dwell on it. There is also stress from my student loan since I never got the forms and have to call and get them resent. Work is also a source of stress. We have to focus so much on meeting the mandate that it's adding a great deal of pressure. Probably not what I need at the moment. I can't help but worry that we won't meet it... and on top of that I know that Pat will be in training 2 days next month, Dave will be on vacation and I am plnning to take some time later in the month as well. Plus, on top of that, I'm not sure when I am going to need some time to go get the bone marrow biopsy done.

For now though my head still hurts... It's lessened but is still there. I hope it's gone by tomorrow!

Denial

I'm really starting to relive Psych 101.... This time it's Freud and his defense mechanisms. Too bad I never liked Freud or agreed with his theories. Psychoanalytic theory was all about the id, ego and superego. Translation: we all have id impulses and can't act on all of them... so we have the ego to control those impulses. We use defense mechanisms to alter or distort those unsconscious desires. One of the many defense mechanisms put forward by psychonalytic theory is denial. In a nutshell denial is the refusal to accept reality.

Right about now I wish I could go back to denial. Denial does make everything a lot easier. It means you can avoid whatever is going on. I spent two years denying anything was wrong... to myself and to others. Can I go back to that? Granted denial also means not taking any responsibility but hey... if it means that I don't have to face the reality that something could be wrong... then I am all for denial.

I still remember the courses I took on thanatology (the study of death)... wish I could've actually made that my minor but any ways... That was kind of hard to do since the only courses I could actually take were those offered in the summer. Any ways.... one of the main points (that has also been applied to other things) came from Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and her book "On Death and Dying". Initially it was about terminal care patients and their road from denial to acceptance. It has also been used in mental illness.

1. Denial: The "No, Not Me" Stage - This stage is filled with disbelief and denial... this can't be happening (Trying to avoid the inevitable)
   
2. Anger/Resentment: The "Why Me" Stage - This stage is filled with anger... anger towards yourself, others, the situation, and anger that it happened to you (Frustrated outpouring of bottled-up emotion)
   
3. Bargaining: The "If I do This, You'll do That" Stage - You try and negotiate to change the situation (I wonder how often God is involved at this stage) (Seeking in vain to find a way out)
   
4. Depression: The "It's Really Happened" Stage - At this point you realize that it isn't going to change... You wonder what is going to happen with life as you knew it (Final realization of the inevitable)
   
5. Acceptance: The "I'm Ready" Stage - You've realized that you can't change things and this is the way it's going to be... and the only thing you can do is move forward (Finally finding the way forward)

As you can see this can be applied to a number of situations... from terminal illness... mental illness... even smaller events that we go through on a daily basis. I'm wondering where I am currently on that road. I'm thinking stage 2... Knowing me I'll skip stage 3 and go straight to the depression... but give me a little while before I hit that point.

Azzie

Okay so I am getting lazy... and Azzie is easier to say then Azrael... I think he has really settled in here. I never thought I'd see the day when I am giving him human qualities. But he does seem to be more relaxed. I think he knows I am happier here... and there is no one else to disturb him. Plus there's no smoke at all. Either way he is quite the content cat... and seems to be the master of the domain. When I am home he will curl up on my lap... or beside me since there is plenty of space on the futon. Azrael is also getting quite big. Now he is 2 years old... the wise adult male... And he is definitely my baby. Gets plenty of love and attention. Some days you'd even think I have children by the amount of toys on the floor. *lol*

Retail Therapy

My only plans for today were to go to IGA and pick up a few things. I really wanted some corn on the cob. Nice plan... and it almost worked. I finished my grocery shopping and then realized that I had lost my sunglasses. So I revisited everywhere that I had stopped... twice... and could not find them. Without them I am prone to migraines... and it looks like I'll be walking home from work this week as well. So I had to replace them.

I did learn something valuable in the process. I learned that it is only about a 15 minute walk to Zellers. That actually gives me more freedom. I don't need a ride down there... so that really just leaves groceries that I can't get on my own. Well that and a few rides to various places.

So I get to Zellers and get a new pair of sunglasses... I was also planning on picking up my refill for Zyban. But first... I went down to Blockbuster to see what the price was on Underworld: Evolution. And then headed over to FutureShop. Apparantly I decided retail therapy was a good thing. $120 later I left FutureShop. Ironically, most of the movies I left with were comedies. People that know me know I don't buy comedies. Then I headed over to Chapters to pick up the new MacAddict. Finally, I went to Shoppers to pick up the prescription. By then I was a bit dehydrated and sore. It was great to get out... enjoy the sunshine... and be active. But that also takes a big toll on me. By the time I got home I didn't even want to cook dinner. Fortunately I was just having corn so it was easy. But I am still prety low on energy. The good news is that I have nothing to do tonight other then rest and watch a movie.

While I was getting my prescription I also picked up a bottle of water. I drank most of it but with the heat it got warm pretty quickly. I was almost home when I decided to dump some of the water over my head. That was nice and refreshing. Since my shoulder was bothering me I also decided to dump some over my shoulder and back. It was a nice thought. Well it did work well... the only problem was that I was wearing a tank top. It went down my back all right... but it also went down my jeans. Good thing I was almost home.

That's the downside to having A/C. I find it nice and cool in here and am usually wearing a sweater. So I tend to forget just how warm it is outside. I did check the weather network before going out... but I don't think even that prepared me for the heat wave when I stepped out the front door.

Hiding

I really think that hiding was the best thing I could've done this weekend. Pretty much just me and my solitude. No added stress... just peace and quiet. No MSN or outgoing calls. I will still answer calls but I am on a hiatus. I really needed it. It's given me a chance to clear my head and just relax. Spent plenty of time with Azrael and I still have one day left before I am back to the insanity of work.

Rheumatologist

Looks like I might be waiting until the appointment with the hematologist to find out what the results of my blood tests actually were. I know they were abnormal but was planning to ask what the numbers actually were. I received a phone call earlier today from his office indicating that I would need to reschedule the appointment since there was a death in the family. So there won't be any news for a couple of weeks on that front. Just more uncertainty.

Drunken Conversations

It's probably not a good idea to call someone when you're drunk. Fortunately, I manage not to pick up the phone but that's not true for everyone. I am still wondering if I should tell Adam what he actually said when he called me.... Since he seems to have no recollection. Or perhaps I should just keep it to myself as part of my own memories and leave it be. I'm not even sure why I was thinking of that since it was a while ago... just one of those random thoughts.

Card System in Soccer

Since I mentioned red cards in my last post I figured I should actually explain what the cards mean in soccer... Or should I say... steal the information from a web site and post it here.

There are 2 colors of "cards" which the referee will hold up to indicate serious fouls or behavior which won't be tolerated. He carries these cards in his shirt pocket, so if he reaches for his pocket it's a bad sign for the player who committed the foul. These cards are about the size of a playing card and one is yellow and the other is red. When a card is to be given (it isn't actually given to the offending player, it is actually just shown to him and to everyone else) the referee will stop the game, call the player over, hold up the card and write the player's name in his notebook. This is called "booking" the player and when it happens the player has been "booked", (e.g., "she was booked"). Any time a Yellow or Red Card is shown, a "direct" or "indirect kick" will also be awarded.

Yellow Card - Indicates a formal "caution" for any of the following 7 offenses:

1. "unsporting behavior" - this includes hard fouls; holding an opponent or deliberately handling the ball for the purpose of preventing an opponent from gaining possession of the ball; faking an injury; saying things that are designed to confuse or distract an opponent; harassment (such as jumping around, shouting or making gestures to intentionally distract an opponent; jumping in front of a corner kick, free kick or throw-in; worrying the goalkeeper or trying to prevent him from putting the ball into play; & adopting a threatening posture), gaining an unfair advantage by leaning on, climbing on the back of, or holding a teammate or the goal; blatant cases of holding and pulling an opposing player or his uniform; any action designed to deceive the Referee; and behavior which in the Referee's judgment is unsporting or causes an unfair advantage,

2. dissent by word or actions,

3. persistently breaking the rules,

4. delaying the restart of play,

5. defenders failing to stay the proper distance away from the kicker on a corner kick or free kick (see" Corner Kick" & "Free Kick"),

6. entering the field without the referee's permission

7. deliberately leaving the field without the referees permission.

A player who receives 2 Yellow Cards is given a Red Card & ejected. FIFA rules do not require a player to leave the field for the first yellow card. However, some leagues' rules do. You must go by your league's rules.

Red Card - A player must be shown a Red Card and "sent off" (i.e., made to leave the field) for the 7 offenses listed below. A player shown a "Red Card" & sent off may not be replaced during that game (i.e., his team must play a player "short" for the rest of the game; however, in some leagues a player may be replaced if he is ejected for receiving a second Yellow Card). The 7 offenses for which a player must be shown a Red Card and sent off are:

1. serious foul play (includes any use of excessive force or brutality against an opponent when challenging for the ball. Examples include a dangerous slide tackle from behind, or an "over the top tackle" in which a player raises his foot so the cleats could hit a player, or a two footed tackle that takes down the opponent. FIFA has broadened this definition by saying that "Any player who lunges at an opponent in challenging for the ball from the front, from the side or from behind using one or both legs, with excessive force and endangering the safety of an opponent is guilty of serious foul play. For current rules visit www.fifa.com, Laws of the Game. The above quote is from Questions and Answers, Additional Instructions for Referees).

2. violent conduct,

3. spitting at anyone,

4. a deliberate hand ball to deny an obvious goal scoring opportunity,

5. fouling an opponent to prevent an obvious goal scoring opportunity (e.g., holding to stop a breakaway),

6. using offensive or threatening language,

7. or receiving a second yellow card in one game.

As a side note a US player just received a red card as well for the slide tackle on an Italian player. So at the end of the first half it is still 1-1 and as the commentor just said "Wonder if it will end with 10 on 10 or if more will be ejected from the game" Guess the answer to that would be 9. As the second half started another US player got a red card.

FIFA World Cup

FIFA's big slogan throughout the World Cup has been that soccer is "The greatest game on earth." I have a great deal of respect for soccer players. Of any team sport that I have watched it is the one where the players have to be the most active. For 45 minutes there is no break in the action. Even the half time isn't that long. Then back for another 45 minutes. And for any time that is spent throwing the ball in, or with an injury that time is added to the clock. Can you imagine what other sports would be like if they demanded the same level of physical activity and did not allow so many breaks? I don't think nearly as many people would take part in those sports. Sometime timed the Superbowl and if you count the amount of time between the snap and the end of the play... in the 3 hours there was something like 5 minutes of actual action. Maybe it's just me but that seems a little insane. Baseball is certainly not the most active sport either. I'm not knocking the other sports... since they all have their purpose and thir fans. I like baseball. And each sport is different. So for the most part you can't really compare soccer to hockey. I will watch most sports although of course I have my favourites. 1. Soccer 2. Beach Volleyball 3. Baseball

I am currently watching Italy take on the USA. Whenever I watch the World Cup I am usually cheering on Brazil and Italy. I do like other teams as well... USA, Argentina, Mexico and Portugal... but Brazil and Italy are my favourites. This is turning out to be a wild game. It really wasn't a surprise that Italy scored first. Shortly after Italy scored again... the only problem was that it was in their own goal. 60 seconds later an Italian player had been given a red card. So he was out of the game and could not be replaced. Should be a good game.