Trial by Fire

I think that calling it a "trial by fire" is the best way to describe the beginning of 2006. As much as I was at peace with being off work and looked at the benefits (getting a family doctor, treating the fibromyalgia, working on getting healthy, chronotherapy to change my sleep patterns) right now I am starting to feel anger again. A lot of that could be the stress from finances as I mentioned already. It has cost me a great deal to be off work.

I don't agree with the way it was handled by work... or by the doctors. Yes, I was having some performance issues at work. One of them was my sales. Sales have always been a weak point for me, that's nothing new. Been there for over 3 years and I've never been able to consistently make the sales quota. As for my tone on calls I can think of a few reasons for that. The biggest one is the fatigue. I was tired all of the time and was having difficulty with thought process. I got a verbal warning after my team leader listened to the end of a call... she didn't even hear the beginning of it. Whatever... When they forced me to take a leave of absence from work I was told that since I had given away a knife to a coworker so I wouldn't be tempted to go back to the self-injury I was considered a "threat to myself or others" and would need to be cleared by a doctor to return to work. I found out later I had the right to refuse the LOA but they did not tell me that. It wasn't until I went to the doctor that he said it was because of "my performance issues at work, numerous physical complaints, and the fact I brought a knife to work." Nothing like stacking the deck against me. I have fibromyalgia so, of course, there are going to be a number of physical complaints. Aside from when I was forced to go home on account of pain I didn't use it as an excuse not to do my job. Giving the knife to a coworker was a bad call, no argument from me there. But that does not mean I am a threat to anyone... and if I was considered to be such a threat to myself why did it take so long to act on it? And why did they allow me to just go home? Obviously, I wasn't really a threat to myself then. See also my post on the Bill of Rights for Those Who Self-Harm.

Then there was the treating physician, Dr. Caskey. First, he told me that fibromyalgia is typically a symptom of a psychiatric disorder. I guess we're back to the idea that it's all in your head... despite what the research has shown. He felt I must be depressed and that giving the knife away was a "cry for help." No... now if I had gone back to the cutting that might be true but I hadn't. I got rid of it to remove the temptation. Then he wanted me to go to the hospital to get a diganosis of depression and put on medication so that I could return to work. He blackmailed me into it by making psychiatric treatment a condition of clearing me to return to work. Then turned around and did not allow me to return to work... and now seems to be stalling with the medical certificate. I feel like having a little chat with him right about now. But I did what i was told... played up every negative aspect of my life and got the script for Zoloft. Since he didn't clear me to return to work any ways that was a mistake. Put my health in jeopardy and then my mental health.

While I was off I went to the walk-in clinic to try and get a referral to a rheumatologist. Since I was still under the assumption that Dr. Caskey was going to allow me to return to work, now that I was medicated (or so they thought any ways), I didn't ask about going back to work. In hindsight I probably should've. He told me that no one in Peterborough would treat fibromyalgia cases. Ever feel like you're fighting a losing war? By this point I sure did.

Then work told me that I had not been cleared to return to work and would not be coming back until the follow-up visit with the psychiatrist... more blackmail. Since I wasn't on any medication it was time for my third trip to the hospital... and time to be honest about my motivations for saying what I did the first time around. I get the impression they thought I was lying or in denial. They refused to allow me to return to work but did change the medication... to a Benzodiazapine that I became addicted to.

Getting an idea of how much of a nightmare the last 5 weeks have been? They weren't even treating the right thing the entire time. At this point I finally decided to locate a family doctor and seek treatment outside of Peterborough. Ended up with a doctor in Pickering. It was the first time I was validated by someone in the medical community. He acknowledged that fibromyalgia was real and that he would refer me to a rheumatologist so that it could be treated properly. Finally getting somewhere... I saw him earlier this week. He took me off the Oxazapam and put me on Trazadone for the sleep. Now that I am on my third medication in 5 weeks... but it's a step in the right direction.

Interestingly enough, the best medical advice has come from my chiropractor. She mentioned that I may not be getting enough iron and even though I was taking a supplement the medication may be counteracting it. So I went and talked to a pharmacist. She recommended increasing the level of iron, as well as the dosage. As soon as I did that I noticed quite a difference. I have a LOT more energy now and am not sleeping for 12 hours a day and still feeling exhausted. So what they needed to do from the start was actually do some tests which would've revealed the anemia (I am a walking medical textbook case *lol*) and had they treated that, along with the sleep I would've been better off.

The last step came from me when I went through the chronotherapy. It was undoubtedly one of the most brutal things I've gone through. I didn't think it was going to be so rough. I also didn't think it would be so bad that I would hit the point where I was so tired I would start hallucinating. But any ways... that is now over and I am actually on a better sleep schedule. I am still tired but in time that should improve.

To recap: the high points have come from a doctor in Pickering, my chiropractor, and my decision to go through chronotherapy while I was off. But if you ask Dr. Caskey it's all just depression. As Adam said, "If they want to diagnose you with depression then they can diagnose us all at one point or another." We all go through bad times... it's part of life. The low points are the way work treated the self-injury, followed by the treatment from the physician and the psychiatrists. What did I learn? Don't say anything to anyone at work... it just comes back to bite you in the ass.... and if you need treatment seek it outside of Peterborough.

Favazza (1998) states, quite definitively, that

. . . self-mutilation is distinct from suicide. Major reviews have upheld this distinction. . . A basic understanding is that a person who truly attempts suicide seeks to end all feelings whereas a person who self-mutilates seeks to feel better. p. 262.

If you follow that... I was not a threat to myself and should not have been forced to take time off work on account of the self-injury. They never even asked me about it or got my opinion on the situation. Then to be blackmailed into psychiatric treatment. I feel violated by that fact. My parents can't even force treatment on me and I should have had the right to refuse treatment. But since I do want to return to work I did not have a choice but to go along with it. I guess it's no wonder I feel angry, betrayed.