Takes Your Breath Away

The smog that is. What am I doing out in the smog you might ask? Well the fire alarm is what got me out of bed... Granted it was noon so I can't really complain about the time. So I decided since I was going to be outside and working on my tan any ways I might as well make use of the time. After all if it is a false alarm then I will be outside for about 30 minutes and if it's real then it will be hours. So off I go.... The cloud was just gray and the air was thick. I had trouble breathing. But I got the few items I needed and then returned home again. Home to a hot, humid apartment. Can't breathe in it either. I was planning to buy an air conditioner with my tax return so that I wouldn't have to rely on Steve's sense of timing. Then I had no job and paying bills was more important. So now I am waiting.... and hoping he comes through soon.

Management Position

Back when they were looking for team managers I applied for the job.... At the moment I can't apply for anything but that's besides the point. It still shows that I am looking to the future and want to move up in the company. Okay so that's not why I applied but it sounds good in hindsight. I applied because I wanted the position... and didn't know that I couldn't apply.

At the time Steve suggested that I was only applying for the position because of the money and the fact it meant that I could pay off my student loan. It has been a few months now since that posting and the comment has stayed with me. In fact, it still bothers me. I am really insulted by that thought.

Money is not the be-all and end-all. Sure it would be nice to make enough money to pay back my student loans and get out of debt. But at the moment I don't. Money is just a trap. You always want more. There is always something else that you want to buy. I would never want to take a job just for the money. If there is no passion in it then what's the point? I don't want to be a performance coach forever. Don't get me wrong... I love my job... but I don't want to do it forever. I do want to move up the ladder into a job that has more responsibility.

The only drawback is that I would rather promotions be merit based and not how well you can perform on an interview. That's just me though. I work hard day in and day out but a lot of it just blends in with the background and goes unnoticed. Christie is used to the extra work I do so now it's expected. But I also prefer to just come in and work... get the job done all the time... and not be about the glory and getting noticed. My agents respect me and Christie knows how hard I work. That's all I need. But it makes it more difficult when going for a promotion.

Aggravation, Part 2

I left out some important when describing my wonderful evening. I was putting the original components back in so that it would be ready to take in to Future Shop. Steve was staring over my shoulder and then just took over. I felt really insulted by it. I know what I am doing when it comes to computers. I can take them apart and put them back together. I have built a few systems. So it really bothers me that he acts like that... it's not the first time. Hell, the fact that he seemed to believe I needed his help to troubleshoot is pretty insulting. He's not God. I can do it. In fact I had practically isolated it to hardware before he even got there. I just needed a USB keyboard to confirm. So why it took 2 hours is beyond me.

It gets more aggravating though. He stopped by today and dropped the computer off for reasons I'll get into momentarily. He also dropped off a USB keyboard and 2 mice stating that I need them. For one, I really don't need any more mice. I think I have 4 currently. I have used the wireless keyboard during the boot before... to go into the Bios, to reinstall the OS. So I don't think it was the keyboard that was an issue.

So then he drove me to the chiropractor where I had to reschedule. Charlene had to leave early. I thought I had updated my phone number with them but apparently not. It was a minor irritation... but had I known that Steve wouldn't have been stopping by and I wouldn't have left my house. I did get pizza for dinner but I could've cooked dinner.

Then I got home and decided to test the system. It did power up initially so that was a good sign. I decided to put the components back in and then got a message about the boot sequence. The new USB keyboard wouldn't allow me into the Bios or continue on with the startup. I adjusted some cables and still couldn't get past that screen. I even connected the keyboard as a PS2 keyboard and it still wouldn't work. Then I cleared the CMOS and got a CHECKSUM error, along with the boot sequence message. Put the CMOS jumper back and it would start up as soon as the power cable was connected without even needing to press the power button. Can't start up to the CD either. So now that we are back to a hardware failure... hmm... didn't I say that yesterday? So much for Steve's amazing troubleshooting abilities. But now I just wasted another 2.5 hours fucking around with the system. Not only that but it also means that Steve will have to stop by to pick up the computer again. Maybe I should tell him to pick it up on the weekend... when I won't even be here.

Another Hardware Failure

As good as I might be at troubleshooting computers my own seem to be my nemesis. Fortunately, my MacBook Pro is still working fine. My PC on the other hand is now sick. The funny part is that I had not been using it at all. I just left it on and checked my email periodically. I just had an issue with one of my serial ATA drives. I had to have it replaced. Of course, it was the one that I was storing all my files on. So I lost all of my data. Most of it I had backed up but not everything. I hadn't even got the hard drive back yet when the computer started booting to the blue screen of death. It would be on for about 10 minutes. I didn't back up my data and I really should've. I left it off for about a week... shows how much I need it.... When it turned it back on it wouldn't even reach the desktop before it restarted. Today I knew Steve was coming by to troubleshoot it so I got a headstart. I took out all the added hardware. Still nothing. I couldn't try safe mode because my keyboard wasn't being recognized. It wouldn't let me start up to the restore disk either for the same reason.

Steve got here at 9:30 and as soon as he got here I was automatically irritated. I was extremely exhausted all day and really didn't want to be trying to have a conversation, at least not with him. He was in a bad mood and complained about the wireless keyboard. He had to go home to get another keyboard. He really should have known to bring one since we've been through this many times. Got back around 10:00. Immediately he heads out to the balcony for a smoke. I start up to the restore disk but I couldn't select the option to restore. Try with a different hard drive... same thing. Steve kept pounding on the keys as if it's going to make a difference. Took the drive out and backed up the data. Then tried again to restore it. No luck. Somehow it took about 2 hours to get to that point. I spent most of the time watching the baseball game and just trying to avoid conversation. Since the error message I was getting was "Machine Check" which IS a hardware failure... and I had already removed everything that had been added... how did it take until midnight to get rid of him?

So now I am in a bad mood. It took me until 1:00 to finally be able to watch the series finale of Queer as Folk. More importantly, I have a new hardware failure and now the computer has to go into FutureShop. And then there is Steve. He always puts me in a bad mood.

But then it's sad that my favourite time of day is bed time. I'm that tired all the time. All I want to do is sleep. Now that they have ruled out the platelet count I have no idea what is causing the extreme fatigue. Maybe it is the Fibromyalgia... or the insomnia... or a vitamin deficiency... or any of the 101 other causes for fatigue. I just wish it wouldn't interfere with my life as much as it does. Maybe one of these days I'll finally have an answer.

Happy Friday

Since Christie likes to say "Happy Friday" I thought it was appropriate. I got to work on time. I was really tired and the calls were getting to me. But after 2 hours I was onto my coaching time. I didn't have a whole lot to do so I was finding things to do. Skip ahead to my lunch. My cell phone goes off. I listen to the message and it's the doctors office. They wanted to tell me about the appointment with the hematologist. So I emailed Steve and then talked to him. His response has something to do with going bankrupt. I'm not sure what kind of response he was expecting on that one... It's not like I am better off at the moment. And what he doesn't know... is that he actually owes me $110... not the other way around. So I ignore that comment. I figured I should remind him that I have the appointment on Monday since I was off for three days and wouldn't be talking to him. He sent back a pretty nasty response about the fact I wouldn't be talking to him... and that I didn't show any sympathy to his financial state. It almost became a war right there. I was already stressed and I didn't need a fight about that since I knew it would get ugly. He would talk about paying rent and helping me out... and my response would be "Maybe I could've found a roommate had you not moved in". And I knew I would end up telling him he owes me money and it would cause even more tension. And maybe he should sell off all the shit he doesn't need so he can save the money from the three storage units. So, do I feel sorry for him? Not really... I wrote back and said I didn't know what to say, especially since I am not doing well financially myself. He also asked if I found out about my blood work. The hematologist appointment automatically told me what the results were. Came back low again. And he said something about how I'd think of something to say (in regards to his finances) and that he didn't expect me to pay him anything. I don't expect to either... since my debt has more then been wiped out. I really don't need an email war right now. I was already feeling stressed as it was. I had to actually walk away from my computer.

But getting away from my computer wasn't entirely bad. I went over and spent some time bonding with my agents. We were sharing stories and joking around. I'm sure a few of the comments might have been HR quality but any ways... I really needed that. It was the first time I'd been smiling in a while. Then I was joking around with Pat on the way home. It was a nice way to end the week... aside from the hematologist any ways... but I knew that was coming. So "Happy Friday" everyone!!! :o)

What Happened to Relaxing on the Weekend?

Yesterday started out as a normal day... I got up and got ready for work. Pat was there to pick me up. Got to work early so I had everything ready to go. And now that I'm not smoking I don't need as much time and don't feel as rushed. Then I did my worst call evaluation ever... of a senior agent. Didn't really start the work day off well. Then it was off to a team meeting.... that ended up being a war. Somehow it took me until 5:00 to present that ACE. I really didn't have time to help other teams today. But hey... we met our mandate :o) Took calls... and then went home after work. It was a little more stressful then other days but it had still been pretty routine. I got home and flipped on the TV. Was watching TV and playing on the Net. I was actually planning to go to bed around 1:00... In hindsight it's a good thing I didn't go to bed.

At 3:30 in the morning the fire alarm went off. Now that happened a few times at Times Square and was always a false alarm. I always went outside since I lived on the second floor. Here, it was actually a bigger decision. I figured it was just a false alarm with someone pulling the switch... or burning toast or something. So at first I was just wandering aimlessly and debating whether or not to go outside. I even realized that I could hide in my room and wouldn't hear the alarm. Hence the reason I said it was a good thing I hadn't gone to bed. I stepped out on the balcony to see if I could see anything. And as soon as I looked to the left I saw the rising smoke and it only looked like it was a floor, maybe two beneath me. Then I heard someone yell that there really was a fire. So I grabbed my cell phone, keys, PDA and MacBook since they were all in the path to the door and headed out. I didn't even lock the door since I knew I would be fighting with the door. By the time I reached the third floor I was inhaling smoke so I was trying to breathe as little as possible the rest of the way. I get outside joining other people milling around. Then we all headed across the street, away from the burning building.

One of the first things I thought about was the fact that I don't have insurance. Recently I had been thinking about getting apartment insurance but I don't currently have the $30/month I would need to insure it. My second thought was that Azrael was still in the building. I'm a control freak so not knowing anything really didn't help me. Someone said they thought it was the garbage cans out back... or from the garbage chute. That made me feel a little better... but I'm not sure that explained why at the far side of the building, away from the garbage area I was inhaling smoke 3 floors up...

Someone was calling the fire department right after I got out the door and they were already on their way. Next thing I know there are 3 fire trucks, a couple of ambulances and a number of police cars arriving on the scene. It actually got up to 3 fire trucks, 4 ambulances and 6 police cars.... not including whatever was at the front of the building. The paramedics were handing out th emergency blankets to people that were cold. Fortunately I was out there in a sweatshirt and track pants so I wasn't too bad. Could've used a jacket though since it was lightly raining.

I felt pretty alone and isolated standing on the other side of the street watching the paramedics treating people for smoke inhalation, and the fire department trying to put out the fire. Most people had family out there with them... or their pets.... or friends. I had no one... and Azrael was stuck in the building. Mind you a complete stranger offered me a place to sleep since we were not getting back in the building any time soon. It really is amazing how some people really pull together when something happens. I turned them down since I wanted to make sure Azrael was okay.

I remember looking up at the windows at one point and saw a child's face looking out the window. My heart actually sank at that point. I didn't know if there was a need to be concerned but didn't like the possibility of someone being trapped in the building, especially a child.

Now an hour later I was starting to think I should've taken them up on the offer. I had taken my sleeping pills at 2 am so I just wanted to crawl into bed. I kept thinking that if it was just the garbage then we shouldn't be out there all that long. At 4:30 I was being a smartass and thinking that in the movies the fire department always puts out a fire a lot faster. At about the same time I heard that it was going to be a lot longer before we could go back into the building. A lot of people knew people in one of the other buildings so it cleared out quite a bit. There were only a few people waiting around at the back of the building.

I ended up calling Steve and asked him to pick me up. I didn't want to... but I also didn't want to end up being outside for a few more hours waiting. At this point I have no idea how extensive the damage is. They were trying to clear the smoke out of the building. I walked down to Macs and Steve picked me up there. I was able to get a few hours of shuteye. Steve went by the apartment first thing in the morning and made sure it was locked. The super had gone by and locked all the apartments.

When I came back here it was immediately clear that it was worse then I originally thought. People were saying the fire was out back. I came up to the front door and into the lobby. There was pretty extensive smoke damage. They were working on the floors. The walls were all black. The panel with the buttons for the elevator had been removed. I got off the elevator on the 5th floor and they had blowers in the hallway to get rid of the smoke. You could still smell it in the building. Azrael was a little pissed with me for leaving him. Fortunately, I was high enough that my apartment wasn't affected. But I am still trying to relax now and that is a bit of a challenge.

I was talking to mom earlier today. She asked me if I had grabbed my wallet and my jacket on the way out the door. I was pretty much ready for bed when the alarm went off. It took me about 5 minutes or so to even realize there really was a fire. So, at that point, the last thing I was thinking of was that I should grab money and a jacket to stay dry. I just wanted to get the hell out of the building. I don't even think I followed half the safety rules before I left the building. Well I did check the door handle... but didn't look out the peephole to see if there was any smoke in the hallway. Then I just ran down the stairs to the first floor. Everything turned out okay but I am not sure that I am really going to be relaxed and enjoying my time off work.

Sound of Silence

Maybe I am just too used to being at home, alone and enjoying the sound of silence. Or maybe it's the fact I never was one for small talk. But if I am watching TV, or a movie then let me focus on that. Just because I am here doesn't mean I want random conversations or to talk about trivial shit. I haven't been at work for 6 weeks... so I REALLY do not want to hear about the calls you had today. Okay, I'll make excepion for really interesting calls but every time Steve walks in the door I hear about how hot it is at work (I got the point the first time... didn't need to hear it on every break today). I also don't particularly care that the leak in the ceiling is still there. I'm sure the fact I can barely speak right now on account of pain is not helping any and is making me grouchy but right now I just want to watch my movie in peace and quiet. I almost paused the movie I was watching earlier so that I didn't miss anything and he didn't ruin the experience for me. All right I am done sounding off for now.