The Life of Pain

Pain is part of my identity... more so then most. Tonight I am really reminded of how much the Fibromyalgia controls my life. I am currently fidgeting a lot. For some unknown reason I keep thinking that if I can just crack the joint the pain will go away. But since the pain is really in the muscle obviously it isn't helping. Right now I think it has flared up because of the change in weather and because I have been pushing myself way too hard. Add to that the other major symptom: fatigue and it makes life a challenge.

It's pretty frustrating to be limited like that. You feel tired all the time and would give anything to feel rested. When you get fatigued it impacts all aspects of life. Your reaction time slows time, your cognitive ability gets impaired and you don't want to go anywhere or do anything. You just want to sleep.

No one likes to be in pain either. You end up irritable and all you want is for the pain to stop. Tonight I was taking Tylenol 8 Hour in an effort to at least lessen the pain. It never really goes away though. I also go to the chiropractor biweekly in an effort to at least keep my spine in line. It does help the pain as well.

When you have a chronic pain condition you also feel pretty isolated. People just don't understand. Fibromyalgia is also an invisible disease so people forget that you have more limitations then other people. I've had doctors tell me it's all in my head and is just depression. So even on the bad days you hide it from the world, grit your teeth, and push forward. The cardinal rule of pacing yourself just doesn't happen because all too often in the real world it is just not an option.

Invisible Disease

I was talking to Adam earlier tonight and he was saying that he knows someone with Fibromyalgia. They seem to be using it as an excuse to be lazy and he thought of me. I am able to hold down a full time job and don't use it as an excuse. Having said that I also try to do too much and suffer in silence. Fibromyalgia is called an "invisible disease" because you don't appear to be sick. It's a struggle every day for me to get out of bed and go to work. People don't see that. I don't think that fatigue is a good enough reason to miss work but it is hard. All I want to do is get some rest.

But rest is a foreign concept. My immune system was already weak and then I had the flu. That was the end... I'm not sure I ever really recovered from that. I lost 20 pounds... as if I had 20 pounds to lose. I went back to work too soon and tried to finish the semester at school. Not a good scene. Plus I moved in with Adam around the same time. I never got away from the fatigue and it just kept getting worse. But I wouldn't let on how bad it was... as I struggled to get out of bed... never really being awake... I don't even have the energy to be social.

My life revolves around going to work and then going home... It's all I have the energy for. And even then it's debatable. I am still amazed that I can function at work and manage to keep going. It is sheer determination and willpower. That's for damn sure. But there are two things in my favour at work. For one, it's not manual labour. Second, I'm not taking calls all day now so I do get a lot of mini breaks. I find that I need that to get through the day.

I know I should go back to the doctor. But doctors don't seem to take fatigue seriously. Again it's not something that you can easily see (unlike the infection I was battling a couple of weeks ago) and it takes a lot of work to determine why it is. And for me to get to Pickering isn't exactly convenient. So I continue to suffer in silence with this invisible disease.

Stress as a Disease

Currently I think stress is more like a disease... it just eats away at you and winds up consuming you. The worst part is that knowing that what is currently stressing me out I can't even control, for the most part any ways. Bills are starting to pile up since 6 weeks later still no EI. But the frustration comes in that I am working days so I never get a chance to call them to find out what is going on. Then I was at the dentists today and my 100% coverage has not gone through yet. So they also want their money... same with the credit card companies... the cable company... and the list goes on. I seem to be getting further and further behind and it's really getting to me. Right now I've got $10 in the bank account, and that was only because the roommate bailed me out again. I know my tax return will be in next week but c'mon... can't anything go smoothly? Why am I still waiting for my EI? Am I ever going to get it? *Sigh*