Taking Sarah's Advice

So tonight I took Sarah's advice. While watching the Nascar race I had a hot compress under one arm and the cat under the other. Azrael was doing a great job of keeping me company. Not exactly an exciting evening but it was restful which is exactly what I needed.

Quiet Day

Today was a quiet day. I finally took it easy and rested. I am so used to having all kinds of things to do and felt like I should be making work for myself. Instead I ended up finishing the book You, Inc. which I recommend to anyone that struggles with making an impression and wants to be able to sell themselves. I mean, we all sell ourselves to other people.... The book is teaches you how to do it better. And it seems I should not have looked at Amazon for it.... I could have got it for $10 less then what I paid at Chapters. Even the shipping would not account for the difference.

Now while I was trying to read that Azrael pulled his usual trick of curl up on mommy since she makes a good pillow. Next thing I know he's sprawled out across my stomach and arm. And he was lying on his back so he just looked super cute and adorable. Who could resist that face. Took him two hours to decide that whatever was going on outside might be fun and he should investigate that. He does a fantastic job of ensuring that I rest and relax on occasion. As a side note I weighed him the other day. Azrael is now up to 15 pounds. He's a big boy and I think he is feeling the heat in the apartment since he's even more lazy then usual. Can't say I blame him since it's about 80 degrees in here.

Invisible Disease

I was talking to Adam earlier tonight and he was saying that he knows someone with Fibromyalgia. They seem to be using it as an excuse to be lazy and he thought of me. I am able to hold down a full time job and don't use it as an excuse. Having said that I also try to do too much and suffer in silence. Fibromyalgia is called an "invisible disease" because you don't appear to be sick. It's a struggle every day for me to get out of bed and go to work. People don't see that. I don't think that fatigue is a good enough reason to miss work but it is hard. All I want to do is get some rest.

But rest is a foreign concept. My immune system was already weak and then I had the flu. That was the end... I'm not sure I ever really recovered from that. I lost 20 pounds... as if I had 20 pounds to lose. I went back to work too soon and tried to finish the semester at school. Not a good scene. Plus I moved in with Adam around the same time. I never got away from the fatigue and it just kept getting worse. But I wouldn't let on how bad it was... as I struggled to get out of bed... never really being awake... I don't even have the energy to be social.

My life revolves around going to work and then going home... It's all I have the energy for. And even then it's debatable. I am still amazed that I can function at work and manage to keep going. It is sheer determination and willpower. That's for damn sure. But there are two things in my favour at work. For one, it's not manual labour. Second, I'm not taking calls all day now so I do get a lot of mini breaks. I find that I need that to get through the day.

I know I should go back to the doctor. But doctors don't seem to take fatigue seriously. Again it's not something that you can easily see (unlike the infection I was battling a couple of weeks ago) and it takes a lot of work to determine why it is. And for me to get to Pickering isn't exactly convenient. So I continue to suffer in silence with this invisible disease.

Three Day Weekend

I seem to be updating my blog sporadically... I am just coming off a three day weekend at the moment. It was pretty relaxing. Azrael makes a really good therapist. I wanted to get a picture of him when he was curled up on the futon beside me. I did get a couple of pictures today when he was helping me with laundry. He loves it when I do laundry... He curls up in the warm pile of clothes and will fight me as I want to put them away.

Not a whole lot to update on... That would require me having a life. I spent most of the weekend resting, much like I do every weekend. Terry and Steve came by for a visit on Friday. It was a pretty short visit. They were heading to the bar... and I have no real desire to go there. I don't mind the occasional drink with dinner.. especially daquiries but heading to the bar to get tanked isn't what I really want to spend my time off doing.

Still hoping the fatigue goes away. After the work day ends I don't have a whole lot of energy to do anything. And on my days off I seem to just crash... sleep for 12 hours. I am slowly seeing some of the energy come back but it's a long, hard road... I try and force myself to be active but in doing so I also have an increase in pain. There's a balance in there somewhere.

And tomorrow it's back to the grindstone. Wishing there were more hours in the work day so I could get done everything that I wanted to... No rest for the wicked... I can multi-task with the best of them but sometimes that's not enough. Or maybe I am too ambitious... wanting to be able to listen to the calls, do trend analyses, mentor agents, and run training sessions... Okay so it's a bit much... but I can dream.

Weekend Plans

Okay so those plans are non existent. I just want to rest and basically hide for the next three days... aside from when I go to the rheumatologists. For the most part I just want to be left alone. Not that I won't talk to people... I just don't want any more sympathy. And I am trying to avoid facing my fear so I am trying not to think about it.