Fireworks

I am currently out of town at the moment for the long weekend. I am visiting a good friend of mine and her family. It's really nice to have the time away. I call it a mini vacation... which is weird since it's defintely not quiet with 2 kids in the household. But then my normal life is super quiet. Less stress here and sometimes it is just nice to get away. Tonight was the fireworks show. I haven't seen fireworks in about 10 years now. It brought with it mixed emotions. On one hand it was nice to see a family that got along and came together for this. But, on the other hand, I felt like an outsider looking in. I didn't feel like I belonged there. And it has left me with feelings of loneliness. Maybe it's a trend for us adopted children... but there really are some deep seeded issues of feeling like you just don't belong. Maybe you never do get over the rejection. Even now I am surrounded by other people and want to be alone. I don't want anyone to see the emotions running just below the surface.... or be reminded that this is not my life and my family and I really am on the outside peering through the glass.

Hiding Behind a Mask

I've come to the conclusion that I don't need to watch soap operas. My life always seems to have enough excitement in it. I suppose the upside is there there is never a dull moment. But some days I would like peace and quiet.

The other day I had someone say I look more relaxed at work. Yes the LOA did some good things for me... it wasn't all good... but it did give me a chance to get some rest. Aside from that it's actually surprising that I look more relaxed. Guess I do a good job, most of the time, of hiding behind a mask. I know we all wear them at times to hide from people or to hide from the truth. For the most part I try to leave everything at home before going to work but that's not always possible. Of course, even when I do show the stress I make it appear like it's related to work. But again that is just a mask. I know I can get the work done... well along with Pat I can any ways. Yes I'd like more time for training but in terms of the mandate it will get done. The truth is (and you'll probably never hear me admit to this again) that I am scared to death. Fear of the unknown.... fear of the consequences.... I am so used to being the strong one... the survivor.... and now that may not be possible. I'm not as strong as I thought I was.

I also feel extremely alone and isolated right now. I know that everyone has been sympathetic to the fact I likely have to have a bone marrow biopsy done and have been trying to tell me it's likely something small. Yes I am comforted by the fact they didn't feel I need emergency treatment but it's a small comfort. And no one really understands what I am going through. I don't look sick so people don't realize what I'm going through. There's the chronic pain from the fibromyalgia. Any idea what it's like waking up in the morning in pain and going to bed still in pain? A life ruled by pain.... but you never look sick. I still look relatively healthy. Add to that 2 years of fatigue. Fatigue that has caused me to completely withdraw from everything. Imagine, for a moment, what it is like to go to work for 8.5 hours, come home and be too tired to cook dinner. It's not like I work in a factory or anything that is labour intensive. In that respect I have a pretty cushy job. Even if I do have the energy to cook I run out of energy while eating. It's a rough place to be. I am still too prideful to admit I need help.

As I have said before I had the bloodwork done in February (or maybe March) from the rheumatologist. They had to repeat the tests. The results came back the same. My white blood cell count and my platelet count were both low. I suspect that when they redid the tests in May my red blood cell count was also low. When they did the first tests I was taking 6x the recommended dose of iron and the results only came back as being normal, not high. My family doctor said they "wanted to check to make sure the bone marrow was still producing blood cells." Now the fact that is even a question is pretty frightening. If it were just one blood line that came up low then it would be more likely that it is a vitamin deficiency or something minor. But it's not. There aren't nearly as many things that cause more then one to be low. I have to go back to the rheumatologist but I have no idea if he got the results from the third test. A month later and the fear has not gone away or lessened any.

If that wasn't enough Adam stopped by with mail today. One of the items was from the cancer research society and it said that 1 in Canadians will be diagnosed with cancer. Now that's inspiring. Definitely not going to reduce the anxiety level and fear with that news. Since as much as I want to deny it that is one of the many possibilities.

And now it's time to put the mask back on. The one that says everything is fine... I'm doing okay... and I am strong. No fear, right?

What's Holding You Back?

Most of us have stopped following our dreams at some point along the way and are now just working for a living... often in a job that we don't even really like. I'm not saying I hate my job but it's definitely not what I would call my dream job. I think we can identify reasons why and the following is obviously not a complete list.

Money

The all mighty dollar. Money can play a role on two fronts. For one, we need to be able to pay bills. I've been on welfare and it's not an experience I would want to go back to. But money can also hold us back from following our dreams. Maybe your dream is to open your own business. This takes planning and capital. But at the same time some people never look into what is needed to pursue their dreams and just assume it's not possible.

Fear

It can take courage to follow your dreams. For many there is a fear, especially of failure. So we stay in safety instead of stepping outside the comfort zone. We work that 9 to 5 job and don't take any chances. It's easy to just go with the flow and stay in a job.

Doubt

We may doubt our own abilities... might even have doubts about what it is we really want. And these doubts end up holding us back. Not to say this is my "big rock" but a while back I did have someone ask me why I doubted myself so much. Even though I know I can do the job I do end up second guessing myself.


Past

As Nietzsche said "Man... cannot learn to forget, but hangs on the past: however far or fast he runs, that chain runs with him." It is really easy to use the past as an excuse. It's like a crutch whenever something happens. According to Allwords defintions of the past include: "Referring to an earlier time; over; finished; former; and previous". It's over yet we still cling to it and don't always move forward. I still remember when I was finishing up my time at Western. I had to complete a writing test. I ended up doing so well I got a certificate for writing proficiency. My mom told me, "I always knew you could write." I remember thinking to myself, "Why didn't you ever tell me that? It might have changed what I did with my life." Yes I've always enjoyed writing and maybe knowing that would have changed things... but at the same time... if it was my dream then I have to choose not to let anyone stand in my way.

So my question for you (if you're not following your dreams any ways) is, what is holding you back?