Where We Stand Now

So if you recall my post from New Years it was drama filled but there was a light at the end of the tunnel at least. I could see my freedom at least. Then 3 days later I was back to feeling like a prisoner with no escape possible. I had already made plans with the stalker to run some errands before the drama started. I debated whether or not to keep them but wanted to see where things stood. As I quickly discovered not where I wanted them to.

It was quickly apparent that in his mind nothing had changed. It was like his mind couldn't cope so he had forgotten or was blocking out the fight from New Years. On the way to the chiropractor he said that he was filing a soft bankruptcy because right now he didn't have any money available and therefore was unable to help me out. My heart started to sink as soon as he did that. This is what I was afraid of.

Then he invited himself over. Instead of asking if I wanted to get together at some point he just asked what night was best to watch District 9. How about none? And when he did come over we fought over what I was doing on the computer. When asked what I was doing I just said work. After all if he was so stupid that he didn't see me disconnect the hard drive from the Wii and bring it over then I really shouldn't have to explain it. But he wanted to know exactly what I was doing. Tried to say he thought it was such an open relationship. I am not an open book... especially not with him.

Also when he came over he had bought me a tripod. And that was the point of devastation... right back where we started. Where he thinks he is the knight in shining armour and if he just keeps it up that one day I will come to realize that he is this wonderful guy and I want to be with him (forgive me while I vomit here at the thought). Or maybe he thinks we are already together. Don't like either option personally.

So now I am waiting for him to contact me so I can tell him never to call me again and not to stop by. Thought he was going to call on Saturday which would have been perfect but of course it didn't happen that way. Would have been good because I would have had witnesses and I would have been out of the house at the time. He did call Sunday and I ignored the call. Was utterly exhausted by that point and this is a multi stage process.

See here is what I predict will happen. I tell him to leave me the hell alone and end the call. He calls me back because he wants an explanation and when I don't answer comes over here. Hence why I don't want to be home. Although even if I am not home I then have to be concerned with him potentially breaking in or something. Violence is certainly not outside the realm of possibility. I have seen him angry and it wasn't pretty. He has used threats of violence (that weren't directed at me but other people/places) to control me and keep me from ending things. He has said before that reasoning doesn't solve anything and that you have to go with violence.

I am scared to death of what might happen.... I don't expect him to go quietly. Would be nice if he did though. The whole thing is just filling me with anxiety... to the point where I am exhausted all the time and am having trouble focusing on anything else. But I just want it over. I want to be free. I want the restraining order/peace bond/whatever and then hopefully I can go back to focusing on school and maybe even have a life again. It's a dream... and a nice one.

Zodiac Match Test

The Zodiac Match Test

My Result: Sagittarius

Initially, a Sagittarius may catch your eye with their knack for witty conversation and flirtation. But as you get to know them better, you're even more likely to be drawn to your Sagittarian's adventurousness and unhesitating willingness to take the risks necessary to keep life fun and free. People born under this sign are typically both enjoyable to be around and interesting to talk with. Be aware that Sagittarians do have a tendency to become restless at times. However, this sense of adventure will help keep things exciting in your relationship. In the bedroom, you'll likely find that the Archer is sexually creative and will keep you happily engaged. This is simply a natural extension of the Sagittarian nature. Overall, they want to get the most out of life and are always on the lookout for exciting new adventures.

Take this test >

Hey look at that... I got something other then Virgo *lol* Maybe I should be taking notes....

Past Relationships

I came to an interesting realization today... or well I guess it was yesterday now. After a friend of mine said that I was going to be her project for the new year... Find me a man... or something along those lines.... I got to thinking about past relationships. If I think about the 3 men that I still feel something of a connection with I realize that they are all Virgos. Now, for the most part, I don't really believe in astrology. But that is something that definitely strikes me and I find interesting. Maybe there is something to it.

New Beginnings

I always see the beginning of the year as a time of new beginnings. The old year is done and a new one is just beginning. Out with the old and in with the new. Christie was commenting that it has been a rough beginning to the year so far with my health and my family. With the exception of maybe 2003 this is probably the best beginning to a year since I moved to Peterborough. Maybe that should tell me something. Let's recap:

2003

At the beginning of 2003 I went back to school. I started at Trent, working towards my biology degree. I was working part time while in school so I had money coming in, plus the student loan. Aside from having pneumonia things were going pretty good.

2004

At the end of 2003 I had the flu. I spent the first 3 months of 2004 still recovering from it. I had lost a great deal of weight and just didn't get better. I ended up failing a course and dropped out of school. It was the beginning of 2004 when I had to put Tigger down... a tough time for me. Plus my landlord's son was stealing from me so I really had to get out of where I was living.

2005

My relationship ended and Adam had a psychotic episode leaving me scared for my safety until I moved out and had a new place to live. Maslow was right when he said that safety was your number 1 need. It takes a lot of energy when you have no idea what's going to happen and you have to have someone on speed dial in case you need to leave in the middle of the night. The only good news (or looking back maybe bad news... maybe I should've held off with the promotion) is that I got the performance coach position at the beginning of 2005. Not sure if they were just sick of me constantly applying or if they actually thought I could do the job. I was also given a team... that would turn out to be a huge mistake and would be very costly for a LONG time.

2006

I spent the beginning of 2006 off work, and not by choice either. I was forced onto an LOA for mental health reasons. It was a very brutal time and I won't go into it again. If you want to read about it I have a blog with all the details. As relaxing as it was supposed to be it was an extremely stressful time. I had no idea if I would have a job when I came back or what to expect. As far as I knew I was going back to the same team. I had to seriously contemplate whether or not to come back. And I had no income the entire time I was off. I finally got my EI after I had returned to work. The best news when I came back was that I was being moved to another team but even then I didn't know what to expect. People were trying to make me paranoid and were telling me that I was being closely monitored and if i fucked up again I'd be out the door. The first couple of months after I came back were still pretty stressful.

2007

I have been sick for the last month... but my health is an ongoing issue. I was born with respiratory distress so every winter I tend to be sick. At least this year I haven't had bronchitis. The Fibromyalgia doesn't help either. I don't have the flu so I can live with it. The big one is obviously my family. My parents are getting divorced and so now I am trying to make sense of that. I am just dreading the long, drawn out fight that it will likely become. But since they were living in different provinces it wasn't entirely unexpected. On a positive note I receieved a letter from my biological mother and she wants contact... I had prepared myself for nothing... so this is a big deal.

So far I would say that 2007 is the best year, at least since 2003. Why is there always so much drama in my life? *lol* I could really do with some peace and quiet....

*Sigh*

Today was not one of those good days.... I am still not 100% and this cold is just dragging on. I hauled my ass out of bed and made my way to work. The first thing I did was apply for a leadership training course at work. What I had just discovered is that I also needed a reference check and Christie was nowhere to be found. She had called in sick today after having dental surgery. I emailed the recruiter since I didn't know she was off. For some reason we seemed to be lacking in managers. So I went and asked Kevin about it. He said he would get back to me. About an hour later the Ops manager comes down and hovers by Christie's desk. Mike was hassling me about waiting for the last minute to apply for the position. Now I haven't even seen Christie in a week and have been sick... so give me a break. He went off on a huge tangent about it... It was pretty demoralizing and was done on the floor in front of everyone. Then he went and praised Dave for getting the reference check in already... meanwhile he hadn't even finished writing his essay yet and didn't know that his manager had submitted it. WTF? Some days I hate my job... and hate this company. Today is one of those days. If I had a better job... or even another job with the same pay.... I would leave. That was my conclusion.

And then... just when you thought it can't get much worse... I got off work and my phone was ringing. Since I hadn't left the building I let it go to voicemail. It was dad... and dad doesn't generally call just to talk. His message was to call back if I got home early enough. So I called... and got told that he had asked my mom for a divorce. Now that in and of itself would not have been a big deal. Currently dad is in BC with his family and mom is here in Ontario with her mom. I knew that grandma (on my dad's side) had really been pushing for this. But he didn't even have the balls to call mom. According to Suzanne he said she wouldn't listen. Instead... he sent her a letter. He wanted us to find out from him. That really angered me though... To send a letter. That's almost as good as just sending an email. Throughout the call he basically blamed mom for not making an effort and not going back to BC. Now she has made an effort to be there for her mom... and for her grand-daughter. And she tried to get dad to come here to at least visit and he refused. Suzanne was already planning to come up to Peterborough but is holding off until the end of the week so that mom will hopefully have received the letter before then. Yes... at it stands right now the kids know... but mom is still in the dark. How cruel is that? Just a perfect ending to the day.

I don't think I really have much more to say at this point then just *sigh*

In More Mundane News

I was at work the other day and someone felt the need to tell me that Adam and I looked really cute together at the Christmas party. They tried to tell me we should get back together (You hear that Adam? *lol*). I'm not even sure why it came up in conversation. It was pretty random. Spent about 10 minutes trying to tell me that. So there ya go... It must be true. *lol*

Right or Left Brained in Love

You Are Right Brained In Love

Bit of a drama queen Peacemaker, first to end a fight Good at thinking up creative dates Tend to fall in love and get hurt easily Going with your gut instead of your head Emphathetic and caring, sometimes to a fault Good at recognizing patterns in relationships Been in love many times, perhaps too many to count Wildly passionate and intense when falling in love Spontaneous with relationships, going with the flow Overly visual - can play back past dates like movies in your mind Roses, love poems, and stuffed animals are a good start to winning your heart

Are You Right Brained or Left Brained in Love?

The Year Defined

Ever noticed a trend that seems to appear all year? Or something (maybe even a single event) that defines a year...

2002 was defined by school. It was the year I graduated from Western with my degree in psychology. Something I had my doubts about. There were certainly times when I did not think it was ever going to happen. But I did it. I graduated and got my BA (Hons.) I had a lot to be proud of. It wasn't all rosy since I did not have a job when I left school. But 7 months later I had a full time job that I have been at ever since.

2003 was defined by health. I had pneumonia, bronchitis 4x and then eventually the flu. I missed a lot of time at work as a result. The flu ended up defining a lot of things later on and shaped my life more then I ever thought it would. After all I am still fatigued. I may not be getting sick constantly like I was... but I am not 100%. All I want to do is sleep. Doctors don't seem to take that seriously either. I think because it takes a lot more work to identfy the underlying causes.

2004 was about decisions. I made the decision to drop out of school and just work full time. I also made the decision to move in with Adam. Both of those were big decisions. And I still wonder if they were the right decisions. Now I have my student loans to pay for and didn't finish that degree. I was more relaxed when in school and had less stress in my life. As for Adam the relationship ended... so was it the right decision to move in? I'll never know.

2005 can be defined by relationships. Unfortunately, it was not a good year for them. There was the ending of my relationship with Adam and everything that went with that. My stalker took a renewed interest in me. I was raped by a coworker that I was considering a relationship with. And then there was the relationship with Tristan. He still owes me money... and my health and well being were threatened by the people he owed money to.

So far I would have to say that 2006 has been defined by finances. It started with my LOA. 7 weeks off work with no income. Needless to say it was a long, tough period. By the time I got money I was back to work. Shortly after I went back to work my battle with the student loan center began and has not ended. There has been no resolution there. Just more frustration.... stress... and being stretched to the limits. Despite what they seem to think there is no way to get blood from a stone.

Even though 2006 isn't quite over... I am already wondering what 2007 will bring with it. What will be the theme that defines the year?

Company Pool

Now I am sure a few people saw the title and think that they would love to work for a company that has a pool... Come to think of it that would be really nice.... not just a discount on a fitness plan... but an actual membership. Any ways... I was actually thinking today about a comment a former manager made. We were at an "off site" meeting (AKA a meeting at Kelsey's on the companys dime... complete with alcohol... might be related to the reason they are no longer a manager) when the manager said, "Don't swim in the company pool." What she was referring to was dating co-workers. I'm not sure why I was even thinking about that today. But it was reminding me of the six degrees of separation. There are way too many associations around that place. Now if you just went with team leaders and team changes then it would be way too easy. But if you look at relationships (or one night stands for that matter) it's still pretty scary. I remember when I started there and my mentor said that the average was to be with 3 co-workers. The company has grown since then... Obviously some people are married or were in relationships before they started working here... but then there are others that have more then met the average. Sometimes it really feels like high school. Maybe I can recapture my youth *lol* Maybe tomorrow when I am on calls I'll start connecting the dots and play the Six Degrees of Minacs Game.... Things you do when you're bored.

When it Rains...

it pours... Ever since I moved to Peterborough it has been anything but easy. Not to say London was easy street but it was a lot smoother then Peterborough has been. About the only good part is the job. Sure there is stress but I have worked there for 3.5 years and it's been pretty stable overall.

I moved to Peterborough because I was homeless and had nowhere to go. Right after I started working here I was homeless again. Spent a week couch surfing at one place and then was couch surfing at another location. That one turned into me getting a bedroom there where I stayed for a little over a year. It was definitely not paradise. I was embarrased to have anyone over to the house. I only had my room to hide in. At one point I had $1000 worth of DVDs stolen and since he was a young offender he just got a warning. I got half of them back but was out the cost of the rest of them. And just before I moved out the landlord's son was stealing from me. I moved into Adam's which wasn't necessarily such a good idea... but I had to get out of there. Eventually I moved to Time Square... and then was I was changing apartments there it went to hell and I ended up here in Talwood. So the housing situation has definitely been a rough road.

My health has also been a rocky road. When I was in London I still had good medical care since I was at school. I had been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and was receiving treatment for it. I was in physiotherapy until I was forced to leave London. The next step would've have been a full treatment program, including aquatherapy. When I moved to Peterborough I lost the health care so the only thing I was getting treated was the flu and bronchitis. When I attempted to get treatment for the fibromylgia I was given a few different answers: "It doesn't exist", "I can't deal with that I am just an ER doctor", and "you will never get treated for it in Peterborough." So 4 years of not bing treated led to a great deal of pain, sheer exhaustion and "brain fog." Fortunately, that is now being treated but my doctor is not in Peterborough. I have to drive to Pickering to see him. In one year I had both pneumonia, the flu, and 4 cases of bronchitis. Lost a lot of time at work... and when I had the flu I lost 20 pounds and I'm not sure I ever completely recovered. I think my health suffered because of the living conditions at the time. The house was filthy and on top of that my landlord was smoking 2 packs a day in the house. Plus I was smoking. Nathan was smoking too... but usually those weren't cigarettes. So the air quality left something to be desired. I'm also wondering if that contributed to Tigger's death. But I'll never know for sure. Even when I was at Times Square the air quality didn't seem to be all that good.

And then there were the relationships.... definitely not stable. The first relationship was with Jamie... who I left for Adam. I'm still amazed that we were together for a year and still don't understand why he stayed. I destroyed that relationship in the end. And I don't think he'll ever tell me why he stayed... Then there was Tristan. I'm not even sure what to say about that relationship other then that it was short-lived. My exhaustion was also playing a role in that relationship. If he spent the night then I was waking up constantly and it was making me even more tired and irritable. But this time that isn't what ended the relationship. He owed money to the wrong people and they threatened to harm me. So he never gave me the chance to decided whether or not to stay... he just bailed. Maybe I should give up on relationships. Been single for 7 months and I doubt that is going to change.

When I first moved to Peterborough the only thing I wanted to do is go back to London. And now I've been here for almost 4 years. There are some days I wish I had just gone back to London and taken my chances. I don't know if I would've been better off... but at least some of what has happened since I moved here wouldn't have (No stalker... No date rape... etc.) Regardless I can't take it back... I can only look to the future.