Some Things REALLY Bother Me

You know something has made me angry when I make the time to Blog about it immediately. I was reading an article today about how half of US doctors prescribe placebos. For all of you immediately thinking of sugar pills those were only used in about 2% of the cases. More often it was vitamins and things like that. And no that doesn't mean they think it's all in your head.

"One example used in the survey asked the MDs to assume that a clinical trial for fibromyalgia had revealed that subjects who received a sugar tablet showed more improvement than a no-treatment group. The survey recipients were "asked to rate the likelihood of their personally recommending this treatment to non-diabetic patients with fibromyalgia"; how often they recommend a therapy "primarily because you believe it will enhance the patient's expectation of getting better," and so on." Well over half said they would be moderately or very likely to prescribe the treatment.

So far so good... no anger yet... and then I made the mistake of reading some of the comments. And someone had this to say, "I thought it was also pretty amusing that fibromyalgia was used as an example, since its essentially a catch-all group for 'patient says everything hurts but we can't find anything physiologically wrong with them' " Now feel my wrath. As someone that has been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia I really hate hearing someone say that it's a catch-all.... kind of reminds me of the thoughts I've heard about Borderline Personality Disorder in the world of psychology. The implication seems to be that it's not a real disorder. I beg to differ.

I am also reminded of my LOA when the doctor told me that Fibromyalgia doesn't really exist and it's all in my head. R-I-G-H-T!!!! Sorry just a little sarcasm there. I wish it was all in my head. At least then I'd have an aswer and a way to stop the pain.

My reaction is probably even stronger by the fact that I am in the middle of a flare-up. All of my muscles are hurting. I am not on any medication for the pain so I just have to suck it up and go on as best as I can. And now I need to get to work for another fun filled day.

Keyboard as a High Powered Device

I know most people are reading the title of the post and wondering what drugs I am on. But that is seriously what I was told by technical support last night when I called. I'm still having issues with the USB port and was told that it's normal for high powered devices not to work as expected because the iSight camera is using the same USB bus. The specifications don't say that. So I asked about the Apple keyboard I had tested. The agent said that it was USB 2 (umm... nope... We're talking an Apple keyboard from the original iMac... back before USB 2) and was a high powered device. I just about asked hi what drugs he was on. Then I just had to ask what was a low powered device.... a mouse. So... let me get this straight I have one working USB port and the other is just for mice? WTF??? Now the representative never asked me if the iSight worked when the port stopped working. As a side note it does work.... so clearly the issue is actually with the USB port. He also never gave me the chance to test with a mouse. Then the call ended. And once again I ended up in tears.

Skip ahead to today. My wake up call is from executive relations. I wish I was recording that call! He told me that it is normal for that USB port to have issues with high powered devices and went on a speech about that. Hmm... doesn't that mean that Apple is making false promises on the USB port. I have the specifications and it says that any USB device can be used with it. And that doesn't explain why keyboards and mice don't work. I did test a USB mouse right after the call to tech support and *insert shocked look here* it didn't work. The mouse wasn't recognized either. So when I told Stuart that I was told I have to take the computer in to be examined. Now I called Microage and they have one Mac tech who is booked solid today and the rest of the week is hit or miss. Now I have no way to get to the Apple store so now I have very few options and feel like I am completely boxed in. Not only that but they want to test the drive to make sure it's not causing issues. Hmm.... the external drive is self powered so it's not even drawing power off the USB port. It is using the cable just for communication so there is no way that it can cause issues with the power. But whatever.... Now I have to jump through hoops to prove that the computer really is defective. This takes more of my time and energy. All this because the first agent didn't do their job properly and lied to me. Now I will continue to use Apple because I prefer the software but I am certainly not a happy Apple customer.

Like Pulling Teeth

This is rapidly becoming one of those weeks.... those weeks that you just want to forget about. Just to get something accomplished it feels like I have to pull teeth.  I have actually gotten to the point where I am holding off calling the National Student Loans Center about my interest relief because I don't want to take the chance that it becomes a fight.  It should go smoothly since I am on EI but we'll see.  That looks like it will be a task for next week.

I'll spare you the boring, mundane details of the week.  The biggest source of frustration has been my dealings with Apple.  Yes I am happy that the computer is being replaced.  However, I do not have the new computer.  In fact as of 5:15 this afternoon I don't even know when I am getting said computer.  What they didn't tell me is that the had to build the system since I wanted the glossy screen on it and that leads to delays of the system.  I was told that it should be shipping out last Friday and would arrive at the beginning of this week... That didn't happen... and no one told me there was a delay.  I had to call (long distance on a cell phone no less) to find out.  I got no sympathy for the fact I am still without my computer.  All I got was "It should be ready soon."  That would have been good to know a week ago.  So where does that leave me?  I still prefer the Mac OS to Windows and Apple to Microsoft... But it does not make me the happiest customer.

And speaking of pulling teeth... I really do need to get one of my teeth looked at... possibly even extracted.  But seeing as I am currently unemployed and have no dental coverage I suspect I'll be suffering a while longer.

Anger Issues

Christie was coming around telling people what their incentives will be... Mine was decent but, of course, I did miss 7 weeks. So that reminded me that I still hadn't received my annual review yet. Christie dared me to email Chris about it... I'm not sure I want to. There are still some unresolved anger issues there.... and I don't want to end up on disciplinary action for not being able to keep my mouth shut. It's been almost 6 months since I was her performance coach so, to me, the did wells and what to do differently isn't even relevant any more. And I can only imagine what she would have to say.

This also got me thinking about the 3 months before my LOA. If I worked at 1:00 I would crawl out of bed around 12:30. Not that a whole lot has changed but I really had difficulty getting out of bed. All I wanted to do was get more sleep. My days off I would sleep for 12-14 hours, which I still do now. I wasn't even functioning any more. I was actually losing my cognitive abilities which scared me. I couldn't think and words just weren't coming to me. For someone that spends a great deal of time thinking that was pretty terrifying. And whenever I said I was tired I got the standard line, "Don't use being tired as an excuse." I wasn't... it was an honest answer. If you said something to me it would either be scrambled in my brain and I couldn't comprehend it or it would go in one ear and out the other. I was in rough shape. And even when I was home I was rarely resting... since I had quizzes to do and other things as well. So it was a losing battle and I was being told it was just an excuse.

Then I snapped and ended up on the LOA. Now the doctor just wanted to say I was depressed so instead of running tests he just sent me to see a psychiatrist. Yeah I definitely have resentment and anger over that one. Had he looked into it and run the blood work he would've discovered what ended up taking another 4 months to learn. So I was just marginalized and no one would listen to me.

But it got better.... Chris basically accused me of lying when I said it was the Fibromylagia. I don't like being accused. I had already agreed to a mild case of depression but I would not accept major depression as the answer. I knew better. That bothered me right from the start. Fortunately, I didn't talk to her the rest of the LOA. Since I took Zoloft for 1 day... that was the extent of treatment for the depression that I supposedly had. Beyond that it was all about the sleep deprivation. If I was going to be depressed now would be a really good time to sink into a depression. Of course, I am on 2 anti-depressants currently... one to quit smoking and one to help me sleep.

So I do have some lingering anger over that whole situation. Now the LOA did some good for me... I finally got some rest and got a family doctor which led to the fact there's a medical basis for the fatigue. Part of me really wants to say, "I told you so" and lash out. But I know that I really shouldn't do that.

I've spent the entire time defending her and standing up for her... looking back I am not sure why. She expected perfection of me and nothing was going to be good enough. A good team manager never would've let it escalate to the point where they considered me a danger to myself and to others. Fuck you... I'm a doormat. I'll never hurt someone else. And, as for the cutting, all they did was give me more of an incentive. But if you want to call it depression... negativity... the whole nine yards... the warning signs were there. It should've been dealt with sooner in my opinion.

The most important thing to me is that work was wrong... Chris was wrong... the doctor was wrong... No one can force me into psychiactric treatment... so how did work get away with it? They blackmailed me into the medication... and the psychiatrist.... so that I could return to work. Had I not taken the initiative to find a real doctor, instead of a quack, I still wouldn't know that my blood count was low.

So am I angry? You bet I am. I was completely disrespected, called a liar, and then had a doctor slap a label on it so that he didn't have to do any work. And to think since it was an EAP consult he got paid a lot of money to say I was depressed. I was blackmailed and I lost money since I wasn't working. Lost 2 weeks pay and then was only making 60% of my wages. My incentive was also lower because of the time off. So, in a nutshell, I got screwed.

The best thing about my return to work... moving to a new team. I am much happier now...more relaxed... quit smoking and haven't tried to kill anyone. I also get a lot more respect over there.

Nails

There was a little boy with a bad temper. His father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, to hammer a nail in the back fence. The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence.
Then it gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence. Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper.
The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone. The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said, "You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one.
You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It won't matter how many times you say I'm sorry, the wound is still there.

Trial by Fire

I think that calling it a "trial by fire" is the best way to describe the beginning of 2006. As much as I was at peace with being off work and looked at the benefits (getting a family doctor, treating the fibromyalgia, working on getting healthy, chronotherapy to change my sleep patterns) right now I am starting to feel anger again. A lot of that could be the stress from finances as I mentioned already. It has cost me a great deal to be off work.

I don't agree with the way it was handled by work... or by the doctors. Yes, I was having some performance issues at work. One of them was my sales. Sales have always been a weak point for me, that's nothing new. Been there for over 3 years and I've never been able to consistently make the sales quota. As for my tone on calls I can think of a few reasons for that. The biggest one is the fatigue. I was tired all of the time and was having difficulty with thought process. I got a verbal warning after my team leader listened to the end of a call... she didn't even hear the beginning of it. Whatever... When they forced me to take a leave of absence from work I was told that since I had given away a knife to a coworker so I wouldn't be tempted to go back to the self-injury I was considered a "threat to myself or others" and would need to be cleared by a doctor to return to work. I found out later I had the right to refuse the LOA but they did not tell me that. It wasn't until I went to the doctor that he said it was because of "my performance issues at work, numerous physical complaints, and the fact I brought a knife to work." Nothing like stacking the deck against me. I have fibromyalgia so, of course, there are going to be a number of physical complaints. Aside from when I was forced to go home on account of pain I didn't use it as an excuse not to do my job. Giving the knife to a coworker was a bad call, no argument from me there. But that does not mean I am a threat to anyone... and if I was considered to be such a threat to myself why did it take so long to act on it? And why did they allow me to just go home? Obviously, I wasn't really a threat to myself then. See also my post on the Bill of Rights for Those Who Self-Harm.

Then there was the treating physician, Dr. Caskey. First, he told me that fibromyalgia is typically a symptom of a psychiatric disorder. I guess we're back to the idea that it's all in your head... despite what the research has shown. He felt I must be depressed and that giving the knife away was a "cry for help." No... now if I had gone back to the cutting that might be true but I hadn't. I got rid of it to remove the temptation. Then he wanted me to go to the hospital to get a diganosis of depression and put on medication so that I could return to work. He blackmailed me into it by making psychiatric treatment a condition of clearing me to return to work. Then turned around and did not allow me to return to work... and now seems to be stalling with the medical certificate. I feel like having a little chat with him right about now. But I did what i was told... played up every negative aspect of my life and got the script for Zoloft. Since he didn't clear me to return to work any ways that was a mistake. Put my health in jeopardy and then my mental health.

While I was off I went to the walk-in clinic to try and get a referral to a rheumatologist. Since I was still under the assumption that Dr. Caskey was going to allow me to return to work, now that I was medicated (or so they thought any ways), I didn't ask about going back to work. In hindsight I probably should've. He told me that no one in Peterborough would treat fibromyalgia cases. Ever feel like you're fighting a losing war? By this point I sure did.

Then work told me that I had not been cleared to return to work and would not be coming back until the follow-up visit with the psychiatrist... more blackmail. Since I wasn't on any medication it was time for my third trip to the hospital... and time to be honest about my motivations for saying what I did the first time around. I get the impression they thought I was lying or in denial. They refused to allow me to return to work but did change the medication... to a Benzodiazapine that I became addicted to.

Getting an idea of how much of a nightmare the last 5 weeks have been? They weren't even treating the right thing the entire time. At this point I finally decided to locate a family doctor and seek treatment outside of Peterborough. Ended up with a doctor in Pickering. It was the first time I was validated by someone in the medical community. He acknowledged that fibromyalgia was real and that he would refer me to a rheumatologist so that it could be treated properly. Finally getting somewhere... I saw him earlier this week. He took me off the Oxazapam and put me on Trazadone for the sleep. Now that I am on my third medication in 5 weeks... but it's a step in the right direction.

Interestingly enough, the best medical advice has come from my chiropractor. She mentioned that I may not be getting enough iron and even though I was taking a supplement the medication may be counteracting it. So I went and talked to a pharmacist. She recommended increasing the level of iron, as well as the dosage. As soon as I did that I noticed quite a difference. I have a LOT more energy now and am not sleeping for 12 hours a day and still feeling exhausted. So what they needed to do from the start was actually do some tests which would've revealed the anemia (I am a walking medical textbook case *lol*) and had they treated that, along with the sleep I would've been better off.

The last step came from me when I went through the chronotherapy. It was undoubtedly one of the most brutal things I've gone through. I didn't think it was going to be so rough. I also didn't think it would be so bad that I would hit the point where I was so tired I would start hallucinating. But any ways... that is now over and I am actually on a better sleep schedule. I am still tired but in time that should improve.

To recap: the high points have come from a doctor in Pickering, my chiropractor, and my decision to go through chronotherapy while I was off. But if you ask Dr. Caskey it's all just depression. As Adam said, "If they want to diagnose you with depression then they can diagnose us all at one point or another." We all go through bad times... it's part of life. The low points are the way work treated the self-injury, followed by the treatment from the physician and the psychiatrists. What did I learn? Don't say anything to anyone at work... it just comes back to bite you in the ass.... and if you need treatment seek it outside of Peterborough.

Favazza (1998) states, quite definitively, that

. . . self-mutilation is distinct from suicide. Major reviews have upheld this distinction. . . A basic understanding is that a person who truly attempts suicide seeks to end all feelings whereas a person who self-mutilates seeks to feel better. p. 262.

If you follow that... I was not a threat to myself and should not have been forced to take time off work on account of the self-injury. They never even asked me about it or got my opinion on the situation. Then to be blackmailed into psychiatric treatment. I feel violated by that fact. My parents can't even force treatment on me and I should have had the right to refuse treatment. But since I do want to return to work I did not have a choice but to go along with it. I guess it's no wonder I feel angry, betrayed.