Who Knew It Would Be This Hard

Here is a picture of the bracelet that I lost. Since it has been gone I have come to realize just how important it was to me. I am also realizing that recreating it is a real challenge. You would think that it would be easy.... It's just orange and white beads after all. Finding orange beads that are the right size has become a nightmare. I've discovered that the beads from the original bracelet were incredibly tiny. But the ones I seem to find now are either too big or too small.

I spent about 3 hours yesterday looking up bead sizes and by the end I think I was even more confused then ever and still had absolutely no idea what I should be looking for. There are plenty of auctions on eBay but it's a gamble. I have no idea if it would be the right size or the right colour. So I am a little reluctant to go that route.

There are 2 self-injury sites that carry bracelets and what not. Seems the supplier in the UK that was providing them with the orange beads has discontinued them so they are not an option. I really do have to make it myself.

Some suggested getting one of the silicone bracelets. I tried that once. it was too big and just slid off my wrist. Then Azrael turned it into a toy and I never saw it again.

One Year Later

I meant to write this yesterday and actually assumed I was going to have time to write it last night but since I didn't wake up until midnight guess not. So yesterday marked the 1 year anniversary of being fired. Fortunately, I had yesterday off so there was no chance that history was about to repeat itself. Not that I figured it would be... nor am I really superstitious... but I'd still rather not take that chance.

What a year. It has certainly had it's moments and been a trying year. Something about being unemployed.... taking on a corporation.... finding a new job.... and now here we are. The important part is that I made it through. I survived the year. I'm sure that I could give the breakdown of the entire year and relive the whole thing but I'm not sure that it would be all that beneficial. Suffice to say that I took what I could out of it and am moving on with my life.

Right now I am enjoying a 3 day weekend. When I planned for a long weekend I didn't even realize that it was the Easter weekend. So I am losing the extra hours... I still get paid for today. So that is just fine by me. It's all about the peace and quiet... and getting back to the place where the Fibro isn't flaring up and causing a great deal of pain.

The hard part about life these days... aside from the reduction in pay... is that I work midnights. Definitely not an easy shift to be on. It's often difficult to go to sleep in the middle of the day and then be up all night. For as many channels as I might have with the cable there really isn' a whole lot on at night.

Changing Times

I have been single for a year and three months. It has given me a chance to be alone and not dependent on someone else. Sure there are times when I would like to be in a relationship but I no longer feel that my self-worth is determined by someone else. It shouldn't be. I am okay with who I am and I like me. Yes it does seem to be odd saying that but that's okay.

The time has also given me a chance to become sober... not that I was an alcoholic or anything but there were definitely some bad benders. It's still kind of weird not drinking though. When I go out I almost feel like I should be getting a drink. I haven't completely given up alcohol but now it's only a drink with dinner, that kind of thing.

I also quit smoking. I have now made it to the 8 month mark and counting. It's pretty impressive since I was the adamant smoker that kept saying I was not going to quit. Somehow that has translated into me doing more work... Partially to keep myself busy... and partially because I just don't know what to do otherwise.

I'd like to say I've given up all my vices but that would not be entirely true. I still battle with the thought of self injury. I haven't gone back to it but the temptation is still there. The last time I did was just before I got my annual review back in July. So I guess that means I just made it to the 6 month mark :o) One day at a time... It's like the alcoholics creed. Maybe one day I will have found a healthy way to cope and won't even think about it. But until then I wear the bracelet and remind myself that it's one more day.

Breakthough

Today was a good day! When it started out I didn't feel that way. It was snowing outside and I was concerned what the temperature inside was going to be like by the time I got home. I was also running late like usual. And I was super tired for some reason... I think just because of how hard I have been working.

On the way to work I went shopping. I wanted to pick up CSI: Season 6 and the Illusionist. For whatever reason FutureShop didn't have the Illusionist but I was able to get the first thing on the list. Plus Steve got me my Christmas present. He bought me the Fox and the Hound on DVD. Brings back memories of childhood actually.

Work was pretty relaxing today. I only listened to two calls but I spent more time just talking to agents and even spent a half hour with one agent going over 2006. I was starting to see my efforts pay off. I was able to see where the trends are and get them to commit to a plan of action. Then John took a look at the data and came up with the same trends for the agents. It's nice to know we're on the same page.

There were some big structure in the organizational structure... I'm still not sure what it all means but time will tell. Tomorrow I'll have to ask Christie about it and see if she can shed some light on it.

After work there was a "team" get-together for wings. Even though Amy is no longer on the team she is still part of the group so she came out... which is good since she was my ride. It was a lot of fun. I had forgotten what it was like to be social *lol*

When I got home Azrael escaped on me. I had to go chase him down in the hallway. He got about halfway down and then just stopped. I'm not sure if he got lazy or just wanted to be near me. So I picked him up and got the motor going. He just wanted to spend some time with mommy. I'm also wearing his favourite shirt. My Huron hoody has drawstrings for the hood and he LOVES to attack them. Right now he is curled up beside me waiting for me to put down the computer again.

I love spending time with Azrael... He is therapy for me. Not only that but it was very nice to come home and not feel like I have a number of projects calling my attention. For a while there my coffee table had a mountain of papers and three different projects, all for work. The one causing me the most grief Christie told me not to do... I told her I wanted that in writing *lol* But hey... I'm more then happy to acquiesce that request. The main project that I had been working on was 100 hours worth of work and as beneficial as it is I am also glad that it's done.... It's not like it was even part of my job. I don't mind doing it but it was a HUGE job and I don't think I had realized just how big a job it was going to be when I started. It was a massive undertaking. I'm not sure I can keep it up since it is so time consuming but we'll see. I think it needs to be done. The other project was about motivation. Initially I was thinking about creating a presentation and then decided to just write out some of the ideas. It was much easier. So when I got home tonight no projects... nothing calling my attention.... Just rest and relaxation. It's a nice change. A breakthrough of the winter blah's.. in spite of the first real snowfall of the year.

120 Days

Today it has now officially been 120 days since I quit smoking. Hard to believe it is 4 months already. There are still times I am tempted, especially when stressed... but it's gotten easier over time. One of the guys at work forgets that I was a smoker until I mention it. But I was outside every chance I got having a smoke. Healthwise, I do think it has made a difference. I still take it one day at a time... so today is day number 121.