Relaxation 101

What a cutie... Azrael really does know how to get me to relax. The other day I was in the middle of writing an email when he decided that he wanted my attention. Azrael really is a lap cat. I was reminded that the email can wait.... I was also reminded that my life does not revolve around technology and being on my computer all the time. I was rediscovering the meaning of the word relax. Right now he is giving me the evil eye from the cable box. Or he is planning to reclaim his lap... not sure which quite yet.

On Being a Good Pillow

The last couple of days Azrael has really decided that I make a fantastic pillow, even more than usual. Makes it a little more challenging to get anything done since he will just walk across me and then curl up. And he always wins.... The computer can wait. If nothing else he really helps me to relax. He is my big suck. But he's not that social, really. Yes he will curl up with me (or on me) but for the most part it's not that he really wants attention from me. Azrael just wants to be near me. That's my baby.

Quiet Day

Today was a quiet day. I finally took it easy and rested. I am so used to having all kinds of things to do and felt like I should be making work for myself. Instead I ended up finishing the book You, Inc. which I recommend to anyone that struggles with making an impression and wants to be able to sell themselves. I mean, we all sell ourselves to other people.... The book is teaches you how to do it better. And it seems I should not have looked at Amazon for it.... I could have got it for $10 less then what I paid at Chapters. Even the shipping would not account for the difference.

Now while I was trying to read that Azrael pulled his usual trick of curl up on mommy since she makes a good pillow. Next thing I know he's sprawled out across my stomach and arm. And he was lying on his back so he just looked super cute and adorable. Who could resist that face. Took him two hours to decide that whatever was going on outside might be fun and he should investigate that. He does a fantastic job of ensuring that I rest and relax on occasion. As a side note I weighed him the other day. Azrael is now up to 15 pounds. He's a big boy and I think he is feeling the heat in the apartment since he's even more lazy then usual. Can't say I blame him since it's about 80 degrees in here.

Needy Child

Azrael is definitely a needy cat. He is certainly enjoying having me home these days. And whenever I do not have the computer actually on my lap he will come over and give me a look. One that tells me he wants attention and my devotion. Then he'll curl up on my lap and not move. It can be annoying if I have work to do, like hunting for a job. But he does force me to relax something I don't make the time for otherwise.

Peaceful

There is nothing as peaceful as watching Azrael sleep. The only downside is that he makes me want to have a nap. *lol*

Forced Relaxation

I took this picture earlier today. Azrael was being super cute and nestled right in with me. He likes forcing me to relax and take some time away from the computer or any of the other jobs that I might have to do. And sometimes that is exactly what I need. I am always multi-tasking and trying to get too much done. Azrael helps me to take care of myself. So I thought I'd share the picture of the experience.

Almost Ready to Throw in the Towel

The way this week is going I am almost ready to throw in the towel. I get home tonight and was going to have a hot shower... There was a sign up downstairs saying that the water was going to be turned off tomorrow morning (much like it was this morning) but they didn't say anything about tonight. I had no hot water at all. So much for that thought.

I've been struggling a lot this week with my blood sugar. I think because I had a few days there where I wasn't keeping anything down it's throwing everything out of whack. Plus my current stress level. I'm not eating enough and am running low on energy so I don't want to eat. I think I need a vacation... or at least some down time.... I just don't see it happening.

I came home to a letter from the National Student Loan Center saying that I was behind in my payments, which is true. Courtesy of the fight I have going with them over interest relief I am behind on my payments. But according to them I am 2 payments behind and it should only be one. In January I was on interest relief and that leaves February. March's payment is actually due at the end of the month. So they are compounding the stress I was already feeling. And I know if I pay them I'll never get the money back.

Next to family the big thing right now is work. I am the most frustrated I have been in a long time... probably since my LOA. It seems like nothing I do is good enough. Overworked and underpaid... and definitely not given enough appreciation. I come in day in and day out and for what? We won't meet our mandate this month... it won't even be close. So we'll be hearing about that at the end of the month. We never really hear about it when we meet the mandate but will be asked to explain it this time around. The first two years I was there I was a golden child. Then I dropped out of school to work here full time and it went downhill from there. I moved to a team where the manager had the tendency to keep an eye on you... and a close eye at that. My mistake was commenting that he was out to get me. That got me in the bad books of the current head of Operations and it has been a rough road ever since. He held me back for performance coach. I'm nothing if not persistent though. I refused to quit... and applied again. When I did get the position they thought Chris and I would blend well... in spite of the fact our personalities are complete opposites. Obviously that went well... so well I got sent on an LOA. But I still came back. I'm like the dog that you just kick and they keep coming back for more. I will not quit. I got told when I came back it was like a new beginning... which was complete bullshit. Everything that happened before the LOA still counts against me, even though the doctor they sent me to said I was suffering from clinical depression. So much for the new beginning. I was held back from applying for anything... or correction I could apply but it wouldn't go anywhere. Then I said something stupid without thinking... and it was taken the wrong way and back on disciplinary action. Another 6 months before I can apply for anything. And even those postings that don't involve disciplinary action I can't apply for. I got to find that out today. The 8 week leadership course won't be happening... Christie is not putting my name forward. That was tough. It seems like no matter what I do I am being held back. Maybe it is fate but it seems like I have to fight for everything there... and I feel like I won't make it past this point. I feel like I've been black listed and have a very difficult road ahead of me if I continue to fight.

But I am an idealist. I still believe in the company and I keep thinking that it will get better... and if I just stick it out then I will eventually get to where I want to be. Or maybe I am just a glutton for punishment. I'm like most people though... You don't want to look elsewhere when you have steady income and I do make more then at other call centers in the area. Not to mention the fact that if I was job hunting I would want to get the hell out of Peterborough. I hate it here.... And for now am frustrated enough to cry.

“An optimist is a person who sees only the lights in the picture, whereas a pessimist sees only the shadows. An idealist, however, is one who sees the light and the shadows but, in addition, sees something else; the possibility of changing the picture, of making the lights prevail over the shadows.” —Felix Adler

Spending Time with Azrael

I was watching a movie earlier and Azrael came over and curled up on me. Or should I say he sprawled out on me. It was pretty cute actually. Kind of wish that I could've got a picture of it. Azrael does a great job of getting me to relax and get away from the computer. He loves having me home... He knows that he has me well trained. I pay lots of attention to him. Azrael is my baby and I love spending time with him.

On a Happier Note

As I've been writing out my current frustrations with the current apartment I've been watching Azrael. He is currently sprawled out beside me and looking quite content. As of late he has really been trying to get my attention. Azrael is my therapist at times. Right now he is in the middle of a dream and looking awfully cute. I wish I had a camera right now. Azrael's my baby.

My Version of Relaxation

Last night I was out cold and slept for 12 hours. I guess I really did need to catch up on my sleep. When I finally did wake up from my coma Azrael was right there to greet me. I always look forward to that time with him while still half asleep. He has spent most of the afternoon curled up with me. It's my version of relaxation. Azrael is the only way to really get me away from the computer. It was nice to spend some time with him and just watch a movie. Lately he has been pretty neglected on my days off since I've had work to do. This weekend (I know it's Monday and Tuesday but it's still my days off) I decided no "work" just relaxation. Burning the candle at both ends was not benefitting me and I know I need to take some time to myself. Azrael forces me to relax at times. Speaking of which I think he wants some more attention since he has just curled up on my lap.

Breakthough

Today was a good day! When it started out I didn't feel that way. It was snowing outside and I was concerned what the temperature inside was going to be like by the time I got home. I was also running late like usual. And I was super tired for some reason... I think just because of how hard I have been working.

On the way to work I went shopping. I wanted to pick up CSI: Season 6 and the Illusionist. For whatever reason FutureShop didn't have the Illusionist but I was able to get the first thing on the list. Plus Steve got me my Christmas present. He bought me the Fox and the Hound on DVD. Brings back memories of childhood actually.

Work was pretty relaxing today. I only listened to two calls but I spent more time just talking to agents and even spent a half hour with one agent going over 2006. I was starting to see my efforts pay off. I was able to see where the trends are and get them to commit to a plan of action. Then John took a look at the data and came up with the same trends for the agents. It's nice to know we're on the same page.

There were some big structure in the organizational structure... I'm still not sure what it all means but time will tell. Tomorrow I'll have to ask Christie about it and see if she can shed some light on it.

After work there was a "team" get-together for wings. Even though Amy is no longer on the team she is still part of the group so she came out... which is good since she was my ride. It was a lot of fun. I had forgotten what it was like to be social *lol*

When I got home Azrael escaped on me. I had to go chase him down in the hallway. He got about halfway down and then just stopped. I'm not sure if he got lazy or just wanted to be near me. So I picked him up and got the motor going. He just wanted to spend some time with mommy. I'm also wearing his favourite shirt. My Huron hoody has drawstrings for the hood and he LOVES to attack them. Right now he is curled up beside me waiting for me to put down the computer again.

I love spending time with Azrael... He is therapy for me. Not only that but it was very nice to come home and not feel like I have a number of projects calling my attention. For a while there my coffee table had a mountain of papers and three different projects, all for work. The one causing me the most grief Christie told me not to do... I told her I wanted that in writing *lol* But hey... I'm more then happy to acquiesce that request. The main project that I had been working on was 100 hours worth of work and as beneficial as it is I am also glad that it's done.... It's not like it was even part of my job. I don't mind doing it but it was a HUGE job and I don't think I had realized just how big a job it was going to be when I started. It was a massive undertaking. I'm not sure I can keep it up since it is so time consuming but we'll see. I think it needs to be done. The other project was about motivation. Initially I was thinking about creating a presentation and then decided to just write out some of the ideas. It was much easier. So when I got home tonight no projects... nothing calling my attention.... Just rest and relaxation. It's a nice change. A breakthrough of the winter blah's.. in spite of the first real snowfall of the year.

Falling off the Face of the Planet

I keep thinking that I should be updating my blog... My silence hasn't been because I don't have anything to say. Anyone that knows me knows that isn't possible *lol* I have been trying to take it easy and get better. I still don't feel 100% and am really battling dehydration. They still ahve not fixed the heat and even with the humidifier I still find it pretty dry and can't seem to get enough fluids. So rather then be on my computer I decided to just rest when I got home from work and watch TV. It has been a nice break. Made me realize just how dependant I was on technoloy but also how much time I spend online. I am actually thinking I need to make better use of my time and get away from it more often.

Relaxing Weekend

My vacation officially started on Thursday. I went straight from work to Tammy's. Aside from a couple of hours spent working on a spreadsheet the computer was even away. Now that is impressive. I don't do so well with the whole relaxation idea. I always have to be doing something. But it was nice to actually take a break. I was there for the UFC PPV on Saturday. I came home on Sunday after the last Nascar race of the season. It was nice to get away for a few days and to spend some time with friends. That's what it's all about.

Vacation in 5-4-3-2-1

After my shift ends at 5:30 tomorrow I will officially be on vacation.... I will not be at work for 11 days. I am not entirely sure what I am going to do with myself. I am definitely going to be relaxing. That much is for sure. Spend plenty of time with Azrael. I won't be thinking about who I need to listen to... and who needs extra coaching... Just rest. Now it would be nice if they fixed the heat in here. It is really making me dehydrated and congested. And is all too warm as well... But any ways.... I'm just happy to have some time off.

Tomorrow, after work I am heading to Tammy's for the weekend. It's Wayne's birthday this weekend as well. Going over there to watch the UFC event on Saturday. It will also be a nice chance to get away for a few days.

Of course I already feel guilty about leaving Azrael. He's my baby. I was looking forward to spending all day Friday with him but Tammy invited me over after work tomorrow. Back home on Sunday so I will likely be offline until then. Now I just need a nice trip to somewhere tropical and I'd really have it made.

Isolation

I always seemed to have it in my head that isolation was a bad thing. We're always taught that social interaction is a good thing and the image of a hermit is not an appealing one. When I was preparing for my vacation I was dreading being asked what I was planning to do for my vacation. They seemed to expect me to have some big plans... like actually leaving the city... etc. But that isn't what I wanted. I wanted the time off to just get away. Sure, I am still online... but my computer is also on the table between me and the TV. Kind of hard to get away. Aside from my dinner with Pat... and Steve's phone call... I haven't spoken to anyone. I've left my apartment to go to the store a few times (more then I'd like actually) and that's been in. And before anyone says that it's no fun... and I should have done more... the point is that I didn't want to. I wanted the time to myself. I wanted the chance to just be... to relax... and not answer to anyone. Just me and Azrael. I now understand Adam's need or isolation and wanting to be alone. It's not a bad thing... just not for everyone. Either way when I go back to work I'll be a lot more relaxed then I had been and that was exactly what I needed!

Zen

I am beginning to think I should start practicing zen or something else that promotes relaxation... maybe deep breathing exercises. I need something to completely relax me. Maybe I need some Valium. This evening has been a lot more relaxing since I am home alone but I can feel the stress is my shoulders and in my stomach. I'm also clenching my teeth even more then usual. Stress reduction 101. Fortunately I am going to the chiropractor's tomorrow so that will somewhat help. Now if I could just develop a spine and kick him out so I could enjoy my vacation in peace and quiet... Too bad I know I'll suffer through instead.

Six Feet Under

I've been sitting around with the entire series of Six Feet Under for quite some time now. I keep telling myself I am going to watch it and never do. I had seen seasons 1 and 2 but since there are 5 seasons I was a little behind. Pat borrowed the end of it... which inspired me to start watching the rest of them. So it's been a week long marathon with at least 1 episode per evening. I'm already done season 3... on to season 4

Hiding

I really think that hiding was the best thing I could've done this weekend. Pretty much just me and my solitude. No added stress... just peace and quiet. No MSN or outgoing calls. I will still answer calls but I am on a hiatus. I really needed it. It's given me a chance to clear my head and just relax. Spent plenty of time with Azrael and I still have one day left before I am back to the insanity of work.

Weekend Plans

Okay so those plans are non existent. I just want to rest and basically hide for the next three days... aside from when I go to the rheumatologists. For the most part I just want to be left alone. Not that I won't talk to people... I just don't want any more sympathy. And I am trying to avoid facing my fear so I am trying not to think about it.

My Brain Hurts

I think my brain actually hurts right now from too much thinking... Don't worry I am not starting another philosophical debate at the moment... I have a few topics I could delve into but tonight I am just going to relax. Maybe I am just tired from having to actually be up this morning. I couldn't sleep in until 11. I had to actually be awake and somewhat functioning at 9:00 a.m. I must admit though that it is nice to be off at 5:30 and be able to enjoy the evening. But at the same time I do end up really tired. And at the moment I need to go to the post office before work... and I really do not want to be up that early. Maybe on Wednesday... maybe. But for now... time to watch a movie... get away from the computer and get to bed around midnight.