Insomnia

Right now I am running on about 3 hours of sleep. For a while there I thought it was going to be an hour and that's it. Needless to say I am pretty tired at the moment. I had trouble falling asleep last night and then woke up and could not get back to sleep. My apartment is back to being super heated so I was trying to adjust to that. Plus the fibromyalgia was bothering me so I was in a lot of pain. I was tossing and turning and just could not sleep. And then there is the overactive brain. I couldn't shut off my mind so I was thinking about random topics.

But I got out of bed to go see my family, in spite of how tired I was. I was starving since I had been up for most of the night and wanted a bagel. So I asked mom about stopping by Timmy's. She really didn't want to stop there. Then got kind of hostile about how long it took. I got my ass out of bed... all I wanted to do was sleep... Have the decency to let me get my breakfast. I've barely been eating lately as it is. Needless to say even though I got my bagel I really didn't enjoy it. And that set the tone for the rest of the day. I don't think mom had anything good to say.... I mean she may not have been negative throughout the day... although she definitely did have a few moments there. But she certainly wasn't positive... at least not towards me.

Before people start thinking my day was brutal it wasn't. I think I needed a night of no sleep to try and jumpstart my sleeping again. Hopefully tonight I can get some rest and some sleep and go to bed earlier then I have been. And I got to see my sister and my niece. Now both of them were clearly under the weather but it was still nice to see them. That made up for the rest of the day. :)

Zombie Like State

I am definitely remembering why I started smoking again last time. Between being told that I was quite negative and it was a behavioural issue.... which I was told was going to go to management... and the insomnia... I gave up. I think the possibility of losing my job was a pretty good motivation to start smoking again. I never thought that it would save my job. This time around has definitely been better.... But the insomnia is definitely a factor... and it seems to be getting worse. Waking up hourly is not fun at all! So now I am struggling with hoping it gets better and the possibility that I might get some sleep... It's not an easy thing. When you've been waking up pretty much hourly for the last 3 weeks that's rough... all you want is sleep. "Sleep perchance to dream..." Granted it doesn't help when you're an insomniac to begin with. It really seems to compound it. Mind you, other events in the last month are likely playing a role as well. The same day I quit smoking I found out I was likely going to need a bone marrow biopsy. So that has been weighing on me quite a bit as well. I have heard that after a month the insomnia starts to get better. I sure hope so. Would be kind of sad if the reason I start smoking again has nothing to do with craving nicotine but is because I want a good night's sleep. I am comforted by the fact Amy, who quit at the same time, is going through the exact same thing. Not that I would wish this sleeplessness on anyone but at least I'm not alone. The sleeping pills are not helping. maybe I should go with something a little stronger... there's an idea. Maybe not a good one... but it's an idea.

The Diagnosis of Depression

According to the APA and the DSM-IV-TSR (basically a psychologist's Bible):

Criteria for Major Depressive Episode
(cautionary statement)

A. Five (or more) of the following symptoms have been present during the same 2-week period and represent a change from previous functioning; at least one of the symptoms is either
(1) depressed mood or
(2) loss of interest or pleasure.
Note: Do not include symptoms that are clearly due to a general medical condition, or mood-incongruent delusions or hallucinations.

(1) depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day, as indicated by either subjective report (e.g., feels sad or empty) or observation made by others (e.g., appears tearful). Note: In children and adolescents, can be irritable mood.
(2) markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, activities most of the day, nearly every day (as indicated by either subjective account or observation made by others)
(3) significant weight loss when not dieting or weight gain (e.g., a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month), or decrease or increase in appetite nearly every day. Note: In children, consider failure to make expected weight gains.
(4) Insomnia or Hypersomnia nearly every day
(5) psychomotor agitation or retardation nearly every day (observable by others, not merely subjective feelings of restlessness or being slowed down)
(6) fatigue or loss of energy nearly every day
(7) feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt (which may be delusional) nearly every day (not merely self-reproach or guilt about being sick)
(8) diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness, nearly every day (either by subjective account or as observed by others)
(9) recurrent thoughts of death (not just fear of dying), recurrent suicidal ideation without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for committing suicide

B. The symptoms do not meet criteria for a Mixed Episode (see p. 335).

C. The symptoms cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.

D. The symptoms are not due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (e.g., a drug of abuse, a medication) or a general medical condition (e.g., hypothyroidism).

E. The symptoms are not better accounted for by Bereavement, i.e., after the loss of a loved one, the symptoms persist for longer than 2 months or are characterized by marked functional impairment, morbid preoccupation with worthlessness, suicidal ideation, psychotic symptoms, or psychomotor retardation.

So... what can I say about that? You have to meet 5 of the criteria to get the diagnosis. And it can't be caused by a medical condition... Hmm... they never tested for a medical condition. As far as the insomnia goes... I was diagnosed with insomnia and "Phase Delayed Sleep Disorder" back when I was in university. The weight loss has always been an issue. I can gain/lose 5 pounds in a day. The difficulty concentrating can be seen as a symptom of depression.... although I believe it was related to the fatigue.

I was under a great deal of stress at the time. Nothing I did for my boss was ever going to be good enough. I was beyond fatigued and could not concentrate. I was constantly feeling sick. And then there was the actual reason that I was tempted to go back to the self-injury... my stalker. It was really stressing me out because I felt alone and isolated. I couldn't go anywhere or do anything. I really felt trapped. So I was having a tough time. I was having issues at work but didn't want to be at home either. It was a losing battle. So with everything that was going on I was stressed out.... But I was not suicidal or depressed. I'm not even sure I would've met the criteria for a diagnosis.

Another Sleepless Night

So once again I seem to be battling the insomnia... trying to sleep but too many thoughts going through my head. thinking about what I have to get done while at work tomorrow. Also wondering what's going to happen while at work since last week wasn't so good. Thinking about whether I should look for a roommate or see if the building management will let me take a one bedroom. I'm still on the lease until May so I'm not sure what will happen there. Wondering how I'd afford a one bedroom if hat was an option, since I will have to pay my student loans soon. Then cursing because it's not 1:30 a.m. and I have to be up at 8:00. Can't I just shut my brain off for once?

Life in a Call Center

So the alarm goes off at 8:00 a.m. and I really don't want to get out of bed. I was my usual insomniac self last night and really didn't get much sleep. So all I want is a few more hours of shut eye. Instead I crawl out of bed and make my way downstairs to go to work. I was the poster child for the shirt that says "I'm out of bed and here, what more do you want?"

I make it to my first break and then it's coaching time. Somehow managed to get 5 aces done. I was impressed with myself. I ended up extending my coaching session by 15 minutes though so I'll likely get a slap on the wrist for that tomorrow. I was trying not to but it was hard not to.

Then it was time to go back on the phones. Well halfway through a call my headset just dies... I can hear the customer but they cannot hear me at all. So I end up disconnecting the call and spent the next 20 minutes troubleshooting my phone. Then I had to "borrow" a headset and figured I was safe since everyone was in that should be.... Apparently I was wrong. I had forgotten that Sarah was on split shifts and would be coming back in. Go figure... the headset I "borrowed" belonged to her. So she ended up not being able to take calls until I was done since there weren't any other working headsets in the area.

Good times let me tell you. Probably only entertaining for people that work in a call center and understand. I guess when I am back in tomorrow morning I'll be looking for Saviour to try and get it replaced. That was my fun for the day. Now I am home... relaxing... and enjoying my evening.

Day at Work

So today was just one of those days... It started out with me being tired since I haven't been sleeping. Worked 5 days and then was off for 1... then back in for 3. Felt like a long stretch there. Today was the tail end of that. During my coaching time I was pretty lazy. I didn't have much to do any ways. I got the two call evaluations done that I needed to. Spent some more time fighting with the printer and, other then that, really didn't do much.

In 5 hours took 48 calls. In tech support that is an awful lot of calls. No wonder I was drained and had a migraine by the end. By the end of the day I was a little frazzled and happy to have a couple of days off.

I am definitely hoping I get some sleep tonight. Been playing the usual role of insomniac because I can't shut my brain off. But on top of that I've been waking up frequently. So I feel almost like a zombie in the morning. Rest would be good.

Tomorrow I am going to be spending some time with Suzanne, Dave and Annika. I haven't seen them in a while so I am looking forward to that. I think it will be the first time they see my apartment. Then we're going out to dinner with mom. It's the family affair... just missing dad but since he's in BC that's not an option.

For now it's about time I have a shower and find some clean clothes for tomorrow. I haven't got around to doing laundry yet. On my list of things to do on my days off. Along with the chiropractor... and shopping. Gotta make use of my time off.

Insomnia

I was just watching some TV and an ad came on for some insomnia medication. Probably a good thing it wasn't an informercial or I might have been watching it for a while and then calling the number to order some. Some days it really sucks to be an insomniac. All you want is one decent night's sleep. And it seems like everyone has some idea of how to achieve that. The doctors always tell you to quit smoking. I did that and it didn't help. They also tell you to cut back on caffeine. Yeah like that is going to happen. Doctors also tell you just to use the bedroom for sleep and sex, nothing else. They really wouldn't want to see my bedroom right now then. There's the TV, PS2 and computer. But even with just my bed and dresser it didn't help. Or there are always medications... most of them make you so groggy you can barely function in the morning and still don't want to get out of bed. Mind you I love reading the side effects where it says "may cause drowsiness." Wasn't that the whole point? There's also 101 herbal remedies to help you sleep. Or white noise... CDs... light therapy... etc. If that doesn't work maybe you need therapy to work on those issues causing you not to sleep. I did a sleep study once. They forced me to try and sleep earlier then I normally would and then wondered why I couldn't fall asleep. If it wasn't bad enough that it was only midnight and still early for me... I was hooked up to all these electrodes so it was not exactly comfortable. When I did manage to fall asleep an electrode would come off so they'd wake me up to put it back on. I'm still not sure if they're goal was to study sleep patterns or make me so tired that I would sleep well the next night. This is one of those times I miss not having a doctor. Not so I can take that drug I saw in the ad earlier... but to go back on the Lorazapam. Now that stuff was great. I can't imagine why they say it's addictive. Knocks you out and you wake up the next morning. In the quest for sleep I even spent $1000 on my mattress. It helps the Fibro but I'm still an insomniac. Although it could be worse... I could be Edward Norton in Fight Club or Christian Bale in the Machinist. So there's always that.