Trip to BC

Still contemplating that trip to BC. As Suzanne said, not going to get too many chances at a free vacation. But there are still a few roadblocks. I need something done with the medical certificate so that I can get paid for my time off. And tomorrow I am going to see a real doctor. I am going out of town to go see an actual family doctor. I have no idea what he will say or do... but it gives me hope. He can refer me to a specialist... maybe even do some bloodwork to see if there is a medical reason for the fatigue. The doctor even has the power to clear me to return to work. So, for now, the trip to BC is on hold, at least until after I see the doctor and get his opinion.

While I am on an LOA having digital cable is really handy... Mind you I seem to wind up watching A&E or the World Series of Poker. Now there are other shows I watch, like CSI, Criminal Minds, the UFC, and 24 but they are only on once a week. I should really watch a movie... or get back to playing the PS2 but right now I am being pretty lazy. Besides Criminal Minds will be on at 9.

And tomorrow it is time for that road trip. Road trip... road trip.... Okay so it's not that exciting a road trip but hey it is still a trip out of Peterborough. I think I'm also looking for a sound card while I am out of town. Might as well make use of the day. And the Toronto area offers a lot more options for cheaper computer parts. So we'll see what tomorrow holds.

The Twilight Zone

Ever feel like you're living in the twilight zone? Right now I almost feel that way. I'm not really awake... feel more like a zombie right now. But life feels like it's this surreal environment. It doesn't feel real. Of course with the show it was really just a morality tale... so what is the moral of this story? Ask me when it's over.

Fibro's Back with a Vengeance

Until today I don't think I had realized how much better I had been doing compared to where I was 4 years ago. I'd forgotten just how much pain I was in. And now it's back... I guess I really shouldn't be surprised by the flare-up and should consider myself lucky that overall it has been manageable for the last 4 years. The current flare-up could have been brought on by any number of factors: the medications, irregular sleep patterns, not getting enough exercise, stress, etc. For anyone that doesn't have a chronic pain condition count yourself lucky. They say fibromyalga is the "invisible disease" because you don't appear sick. You're just in constant pain and low on energy. I keep cracking my back hoping for some relief of the pain but since it's not in the joints it doesn't help. For most of the day I was curled up with Azrael on the couch. It hurt too much to do anything else. Been a long time since I hurt like this. I'm hoping it's short lived since, as I've already been told no doctor in Peterborugh will treat it. Without a family doctor I can't go see a specialist either. It's a no win situation. All I can hope is that tomorrow is a better day, with less pain than today.

Twist of Fate

It turned out to be a bit of a weird day... It started out normal enough... I slept in and when I woke up started working on a DVD. My average day. I called my sister to check in, forgetting that she was updated with my blog any ways. Then I figured I should call my dad since he didn't know I was even off work. So I updated him... and he offered me a vacation to BC. It wasn't quite the tropical vacation I'd been hoping for but it would still be a vacation... a chance to get away. I'm not sure why I am having a tough time with this decision. It should be an easy one. I love BC. I'd also see family I haen't seen in a few years. I should be jumping on the opportunity for a free trip.

My first concern is that I need to get all the medical information for my EI claim and that is a bit of a challenge. The doctor didn't give me a medical certificate. As soon as I get that I can mail it in with my Record of Employment and then just wait for the EI cheque. So that should be resolved in the near future, I hope.

Secondly, I am hoping to do some work for Chaord Studios while I am off. I've been making some UFC DVDs but those are just for entertainment. I'm also planning to make one with the pictures of my niece. At some point I also have to create a web site but that will hopefully only take me a few days to complete. Even better would be them having the money for it. That would make it easier to pay bills.

Then there is Azrael. I know Steve would take care of him but he is still my baby. I'm used to being with him every day and knowing that while I sleep he'll be on the bed beside me. It's comforting. As I have said before who needs a therapist when you have a cat...

There's also the longshot of a cancellation with the psychiatrist. If someone cancels then I might be able to get in sooner and be cleared to go back to work. This is unlikely since it takes 6-8 weeks to get an appointment. I can't see people not going. But I suppose anything is possible.

I know I should take the opportunity for a vacation and head out west but I am still a little reluctant. I'm not even sure why I am hesitant and not jumping at the chance. C'mon a free trip out west. Who wouldn't jump at that? I'm definitely going to give it some thought in the next couple of days and make a decision.

Delayed Phase Sleep Disorder

One of these days though I should really go to bed before 4:00 a.m. Not because I actually have to be up in the morning but eventually I will. The fact my circadian rhythms are out of whack probably don't help with the fatigue either. It's what's known as delayed phase sleep disorder (DPSD). Basically I go to bed later then most people and then wake up later. We all knew I'm not a morning person. *lol* Just give me caffeine and I am good to go. Working days always takes a toll on me. Obviously that is not a concern at the moment. Developed DPSD when I was a teenager. Maybe it was about teenage rebellion. My parents hated me sleeping in. Or maybe it was the fact late at night was the one time there was peace and quiet at home... no fighting. I've definitely learned it is hard to change circadian rhyhtms. Had difficulty making it to class in the morning. For two years I was able to work nights and never did adjust to working days.

There are a few treatments out there for DPSD. One of them is benzodiazapines but their effectiveness is unknown. My guess is that it works because it knocks you out so it doesn't change your sleep pattern... just keeps you asleep so you can function during the day. Just a guess though.

Next up is melatonin. It is a hormone that is used to advance sleep phase. It's effectiveness is up for debate. The other problem with melatonin is that it is not available in Canada and has not been approved. You can, however, order it from the states and it is legal. My psych professor back in university actually got me some at one point as a test.

There's also chronotherapy. Basically you go to bed three hours later and wake up three hours later each night until you change your sleep patterns. Takes about a week and is pretty effective. I haven't tried this treatment yet. I'm not sure my roommate would let me sleep during the day. I suppose if I combine it with the Benzos then it might work. Might be something to try before I do return to work.

The other course of treatment is light therapy. Early morning exposure to bright lights alters your sleep patterns so that you go to sleep earlier. Basically it mimics the sunlight. Light therapy is also used to treat seasonal affective disorder. Unfortunately, the light boxes are pretty expensive and are not covered by insurance. Fortunately, for me, my roommate has access to a small one. I'm not sure how crazy I am about waking up at 8:00 a.m. and staring at a bright light for an hour. It would be one thing if I had something to do in the morning but I find if I have nothing to do and am bored then I get tired and go back to bed.

It's now 1:00 a.m. and aside from the usual fatigue I am not really tired. Hmm... wonder what I can do to make myself tired. Well, I still have some textbooks from university. I'm pretty sure they can cure insomnia, especially the ones for my stats class. I have way too much energy right now. I actually wish I had the space for a treadmill in my apartment. Been a long time since I had that thought since with the Fibro I don't usually have any energy. So I guess this is a good sign. The only bad part is that its 1:00 in the morning. But energy is still a good thing, gives me hope for the future.

Chilling

Enjoying a night alone... for once the roommate is out of town. So it has just been me and Azrael all day. Really enjoying the sound of silence. Of course being Wednesday it's time for Lost, Criminal Minds, and CSI: New York. As frustrating as my time off has been it was nice for some actual R&R. I don't get many opportunities to have the place to myself... at least not for long so I am thoroughly enjoying the peace and quiet.

I'm thinking Azrael is going to have a hard time when I do back to work. Whenever I go back after vacation he gets tempermental and stops visiting me. Since cats have a really short memory that doesn't last long. But he is definitely used to me being home. He stays in bed with me until I get up and then alternates between the couch and my monitor.

I'd forgotten how therapeutic a cat can be. When I still lived in London (which seems like a lifetime ago now) my roommate, Mel, said that Tigger was my therapist. Whenever I was stressed I curled up with him. Or I let him eat my fudgesicle... whichever. He was my baby. It was really hard for me when I had to put him down. It was one of the few times people saw me cry. Azrael, at least when he was a kitten, was the opposite. He was pretty psychotic and would attack. Lately he has really changed and has become quite the big suck. He still has his independant streak which is good but sometimes it is nice to have him curled up on my lap.

CAA Membership

So today in the mail I got an offer for a CAA membership with all the great things it can do for me... and how I can get it cheaper. Now that is really interesting seeing as I don't drive. How is that really going to help me? Better question... how do I get on these mailing lists?

Tired & Worn Out

Aside from fighting a headache I am tired and worn out. I am sick of trying to fight a losing battle with the fibromyalgia. It's become a life ruled by pain... and fatigue... Never really feeling rested. I get some relief by going to the chiropractor but it's temporary. Been about 4 years since I was last treated for it. At that point I had gone off all medication since it only decreased the pain, didn't remove it and I was left feeling too groggy to function. Now I can add mental confusion to the list of symptoms. I feel like a prisoner in my own mind. I can still process information, I just have trouble communicating it. Not a good thing when you work in a call center. I'm aslo scared to face this loss... the pain I can live with. Mind over matter, right? But to face the mental challenge is a whole other issue. I don't even have enough energy right now to make myself something to eat. Life, right now, is characterized by pain and isolation. People don't understand what it's like to battle this every day.

And as I right this I am now off work until cleared by a doctor to return. It's a long story... but I guess the good news is that the Fibromyalgia might get treated again. Not that I am really looking forward to more medication but it beats the alternative. Now I think it's about time I shed a few more tears over the whole situation. I don't think I've done enough of that yet.

Another Sleepless Night

So once again I seem to be battling the insomnia... trying to sleep but too many thoughts going through my head. thinking about what I have to get done while at work tomorrow. Also wondering what's going to happen while at work since last week wasn't so good. Thinking about whether I should look for a roommate or see if the building management will let me take a one bedroom. I'm still on the lease until May so I'm not sure what will happen there. Wondering how I'd afford a one bedroom if hat was an option, since I will have to pay my student loans soon. Then cursing because it's not 1:30 a.m. and I have to be up at 8:00. Can't I just shut my brain off for once?

Fibromylgia & Depression

Okay so maybe I am still in denial... but I refuse to accept that I am depressed. I looked up the symptoms for the Fibromyalgia and for Depression and noticed there were a lot of overlapping symptoms. Not to mention with the symptoms from the fibromyalgia it's easy to see why there is a link to depression. The pain is still there... a constant reminder. But over the last year or so the fatigue has increased to the point where I have no energy at all to do anything. Even more difficult for me to deal with is the cognitive side, or "Fibro fog" that I experience. I'll lose track halfway through a sentence and have difficulty focusing. Every day is a challenge. I try and cover for the lapses but it's frustrating, especially for me. You could say something to me and I'll have no recollection.. or sometimes I won't even understand. It's like you were speaking in English and I was hearing it in Japanese. So if you know any good ways to get some restorative sleep I am all ears.

Symptoms of fibromyalgia include:

• Chronic muscle pain, muscle spasms or tightness, and leg cramps.
• Moderate or severe fatigue and decreased energy.
• Insomnia or waking up feeling just as tired as when you went to sleep.
• Stiffness upon waking or after staying in one position for too long.
• Difficulty remembering, concentrating, and performing simple mental tasks.
• Abdominal pain, bloating, nausea, and constipation alternating with diarrhea (irritable bowel syndrome).
• Tension or migraine headaches.
• Jaw and facial tenderness.
• Sensitivity to one or more of the following: odors, noise, bright lights, medications, certain foods and cold.
• Feeling anxious or depressed.
• Numbness or tingling in the face, arms, hands, legs or feet.
• Increase in urinary urgency or frequency (irritable bladder).
• Reduced tolerance for exercise and muscle pain after exercise.
• A feeling of swelling (without actual swelling) in the hands and feet.
• Painful menstrual periods.
• Dizziness.

Symptoms of depression include:

• Sadness
• Loss of enjoyment from things that were once pleasurable
• Loss of energy
• Feelings of hopelessness or worthlessness
• Difficulty concentrating
• Difficulty making decisions
• Insomnia or excessive sleep
• Stomachache and digestive problems
• Sexual problems (for example, decreased sex drive)
• Aches and pains (such as recurrent headaches)
• A change in appetite causing weight loss or gain
• Thoughts of death or suicide
• Attempting suicide

Transfer Out West

I'm beginning to wonder if I should've taken the transfer out west to the call center that opened in Saskatoon. I had a number of reasons for not going... I didn't want certain people in my life to be the reason I left. I'd rather stand and fight... not that I've been doing much of that lately. I also love my team. But now that I've got two verbal warnings in one week maybe I should've gone out there. I know I dread my phone time. It's not the same as coaching face to face. I prefer the face to face interactions. I may be good at fixing computers but people that know me know I don't enjoy it. My first troubleshooting step is to format since I get frustrated easily by it. It's also hearing "US Desktop" as soon as I log in. It is my own mental block but each queue is different. I don't know anyone that has gotten away from US Desktop and been happy to come back to it. I worked hard to get away... was away from it for 9 months. Now I'm back indefinitely. I don't know how to overcome the mental side of that so it has me feeling pretty discouraged. I feel like the three years I have put in don't matter. I'd like to be put on another queue for a couple of months but I know that's not going to happen. I've put in that request previously and was turned down. So how do I change that?

Cruel & Unusual

As I write this I am soaking my foot in an Epsom salt bath... talk about cruel and unusual punishment. I have a really high pain tolerance and all I want to do is remove my foot from the water. I know I need to do it, to try and get rid of the infection but c'mon. Looks like I'll be doing as little walking as possible in the next few days since I can't put any pressure on it. And this better work. I'd hate to think I am enduring this pain for nothing. Probably should've done this before I started on the home medical procedures though. It would've worked better. Live and learn I suppose.

Part 2 of the cruel and unusual punishment... applying alcohol to it. For as bad as soaking it was... that was 100x worse. I might need an alcoholic drink now to recover from that experience. Wow.

Denial

I'm starting to wonder if I am just in denial. I got told today that lately I seem to be depressed. Well you know 2005 was just such a stellar year. It's hard to remain positive when it seems like everything that could go wrong has. I won't deny that I have been more withdrawn lately but I have a reason for that. So maybe I am depressed. I just don't want to admit to it. See I am in denial. I could be denying that anything is wrong but then I'd be lying. I just need to find a way to cope with it all and regain some of that balance. Get back to the person I used to be. Easier said then done though. Where do I even start? I guess step 1 is admitting *lol*

UFC Unleashed

So after a quiet night with just me and Azrael it was time to relax with some UFC Unleashed. It really shouldn't be so therapeutic... I mean organized violence at its best. But at least it was a new one. Made my night. Going to have to get the footage off there soon and make a new DVD. Probably wait until after the next PPV event... or until I have enough money for a laptop... then it will be really easy. And it makes me happy... back to creating DVDs and using some of my talent. Always a good thing in my world.

Does This Look Infected?

All week I've been battling an ingrown toenail. I get them frequently. The nail never seems to grow properly. at one point my family doctor was thinking about removing the nail completely but I didn't like that option. Maybe after this week I'll reconsider. It became infected so I was trying to drain it, let it heal. But I couldn't seem to get it to drain. It was just extremely sensitive and causing a lot of pain. I could barely walk and it was quite painful. Since I don't have a family doctor I just about went down to the ER but really didn't want to sit there for three hours. So today I was back to the home medical care, trying to tear away some of the skin. Hope no one is eating while reading this. It worked a little too well. All of a sudden it was bleeding... left a nice trail of blood across the apartment. What kind of stain remover works on blood? I think I might soak it in a little while... see if that helps. It has stopped bleeding at least. The things you do on your day off.

Perception Equals Reality

I began this post in "2 + 2 = 4 ... Or Does It" and thought I'd come back to it. I said before that out perceptions are shaped by our past experiences and how we view the world. I still believe that to be true. After observing someone we make a judgement as to their character and it is this perception of them that shapes our relationship with them. Let's say you introduce yourself to someone and they just stand there with their arms crossed. You may perceive them as cold, and unfriendly. You may then start attributing other behaviours they have to the type of person they are and end up just thinking they are cold and unfriendly. Maybe it is just a cultural thing for them but once you have a perception of someone it is difficult to change that.

The definition of perception is, "one's view or interpretation of something." Quite a while ago, I saw one of the team leaders I had as being out to get me. Once I had that perception it was easy for me to attribute his actions negatively. It was very hard for me to admit I was wrong and change that perception. Even after I was challenged on it I did not want to change my opinion. I was skeptical and ended up transferring to another team. I was wrong, but this is just an example of how hard it is to change your perception and how easy it is to shape your view of someone and their actions once you have that perception of them.

My question this time... "How do you see others?" and "How do they see you?"

Morbid Thoughts

Maybe it's the fact my sister, Suzanne, has been at the ER more times then she should've been in the last few days ("Click here for details") or maybe it's just the kind of week I've been having... but it led me to think about what people would say about me if I died tomorrow. Don't worry, Suzanne's not dying but we never know what is going to happen. I was about to say I could be hit by a bus on my way to work. Now that would be pretty impressive since I live in the same building. But what would people say about me? Would they have good things to say about the kind of person I was and how I lived my life? What would they remember? The truth is that we never know what tomorrow will bring. My challenge for you, how will you be remembered?

Another Day

Seems like I am using a lot of quotes and lyrics these days. Guess I am just feeling lazy and don't feel like posting my own thoughts. But lately I have really been drawn to the music from "Rent." So this time it comes from the song "Another Day"

The heart may freeze or it can burn
The pain will ease if I can learn
There is no future
There is no past
I live this moment as my last
There's only us
There's only this
Forget regret
Or life is yours to miss
No other road
No other way
No day but today

"Forget regret or life is yours to miss"

Rent

I Am

I came across this affirmation when I was looking for some stuff on motivation. I had really been doubting myself at work and had someone ask me why I doubt myself. They had suggested affirmations. So I thought I'd share this.

I AM

I deserve to be,

I want to be,

I can be,

I will be,

I am.

Fresh Start

My very first post was about "New Beginnings" The sentiments of change was also echoed in the post, "Happy New Year". It's now 2006 and a new year is beginning. 2005 will be remembered, by me any ways, as a rough year... certainly not one of my best. One of my favourite sayings in 2005 was "Yep, it's been a stellar year so far" with a little bit of sarcasm. I have no idea what this year will bring with it... If I did I could make thousands of dollars *lol* But I am filled with optimism and see it as a fresh start. No looking back... just at what is to come.

"Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment." – Buddha

Computer Problems

So the other day I formatted my computer again... and immediately got an error message. It really didn't like having a non-system drive as the C: drive... That's what I get for having 2 serial ATA drives and a parallel drive. So I had to format it again and disconnect the other drive when I rebooted. And was still having issues. Turns out it was the RAM I had installed. The motherboard is a little tempermental with that one. Seems to be working well again.

And as for the XBox 360... still no word as to when that will actually come in. It was released a month and a half ago. Still nothing... So much for their promises... of the first week in December... and definitely before Christmas. At this rate should I be wondering if I will get it before 2007?

Life in a Call Center

So the alarm goes off at 8:00 a.m. and I really don't want to get out of bed. I was my usual insomniac self last night and really didn't get much sleep. So all I want is a few more hours of shut eye. Instead I crawl out of bed and make my way downstairs to go to work. I was the poster child for the shirt that says "I'm out of bed and here, what more do you want?"

I make it to my first break and then it's coaching time. Somehow managed to get 5 aces done. I was impressed with myself. I ended up extending my coaching session by 15 minutes though so I'll likely get a slap on the wrist for that tomorrow. I was trying not to but it was hard not to.

Then it was time to go back on the phones. Well halfway through a call my headset just dies... I can hear the customer but they cannot hear me at all. So I end up disconnecting the call and spent the next 20 minutes troubleshooting my phone. Then I had to "borrow" a headset and figured I was safe since everyone was in that should be.... Apparently I was wrong. I had forgotten that Sarah was on split shifts and would be coming back in. Go figure... the headset I "borrowed" belonged to her. So she ended up not being able to take calls until I was done since there weren't any other working headsets in the area.

Good times let me tell you. Probably only entertaining for people that work in a call center and understand. I guess when I am back in tomorrow morning I'll be looking for Saviour to try and get it replaced. That was my fun for the day. Now I am home... relaxing... and enjoying my evening.