Azrael

It's always nice to come home and have the cat greet you at the door and then curl up on your lap. At least Azrael lets me know I am loved and appreciated. He's my baby. And to think he was once psychotic and just attacked all the time. I was hesitant to take him when I moved. But he has really calmed down in the meantime. I think Azrael kept me sane during my time off. He gave me love, adoration, and someone to talk to.

Back to Work

Today was the first day back at work. 8 hours of SPT was more then enough fun, let me tell you. Otherwise it was pretty uneventful. Of course I had a few people ask me why I was off work but that was to be expected. I'm not sure I was entirely honest but I wasn't really lying either. A lot of people just said "Welcome back" and left it at that. Too bad most people are incredibly nosy and felt the need to ask. And now my life returns to normal. Pretty soon I will have a team again... altough I will have to go through the process of getting to know the agents again since it won't be my team. At the same time I always knew I wouldn't be with the same team forever. At least I know I was missed by my team so that's something :o) And I just have to make it through one more day of SPT.

At least being off gave me a chance to focus on my health. The fibromyalgia is now being treated. I've largely corrected the phase delayed sleep disorder. I upped my iron level to combat the anemia. Now I just need to get my dental work done. But that will be happening soon. I went with the enhanced dental plan at work so I now have 100% coverage and partial coverage for major treatments if they are necessary.

Things are finally looking up. Now I just need to find a new apartment and that will ease some stress. A relationship would also be nice but that one doesn't seem to be on the horizon. Oh well. One thing at a time. I've always got Azrael... who so far is not holding me going back to work against me. He was quite happy to see me when I came home and is currently curled up beside me on the couch. At least someone loves me and even better it's unconditional love.

Rent

After watching "Rent" with Steve he asked me why I had such an interest in homosexuality. I think he missed something in the meaning behind the film. In my movie collection I can't pick out any with homosexuality as being a central theme (well okay it is a theme in Rent... but I wouldn't necessarily pick it as the overall theme). Drug use is also represented, does that make me an addict? In terms of TV shows I like Six Feet Under... does that make me morbid and mean I have a fascination with death? I think he was basing it on the fact I have the first 4 seasons of Queer as Folk and will be buying Season 5 as soon as it is released. Showtime pushed the envelope and challenged societal norms. For once it wasn't a sitcom. I like shows, and movies that challenge you to think, to question society. I even got Adam hooked on Queer as Folk. I'm not sure I can explain why I enjoyed the show so much. When you think about it, how many dramas are there about human life and social interactions? Now that Queer as Folk is off the air if there are any I'm not watching them. It's a character driven drama. That was what made it appealing. A lot of shows stay away from the character development... but don't you ever wonder what they are doing when not at work? I don't think it was so much the fact it was about the gay lifestyle as it was the fact I was sucked in by the storylines. I also have a great deal of respect for the actors for taking on such a role.

I'm not rushing 0ut to see Brokebac Mountain. It has received a number of critical acclaims but to me it is just another story of forbidden love. I'm sure it is a good movie but it doesn't do much for me. Maybe I'll see it when it comes out but it's not high on my priority list.

Any ways... back to Rent. It is about a year in the life of eight friends. The biggest theme in the movie (to me any ways) is to live for the moment. It is about AIDS, homosexuality, drug abuse, homelessness, death and life. It doesn't shy away from the dfficult topics. Rent challenges you to think about life and what is important since it can all change in an instant. I identify most with Mark, the filmmaker. The one disappointment from the film is that they cut "Goodbye Love", a scene I (and other Rent fas) feel is pivotal to the movie. Columbus felt it was too emotional. In my opinion, following the outrage from devoted Rentheads, a director's cut should have been made available that includeed this scene. In it Roger and Mark fight and Roger calls Mark a hypocrite for preaching not to be numb when that's exactly what he is himself. For anyone that knows me, sound familiar? I think there is a lot to be said for living in the moment and not living a life of regrets. Life is too short for regrets.

"I don't own emotion - I rent" (Mark & Roger, from "What You Own")
"No day but today" (Mimi, from "Another Day")
"Forget regret, or life is yours to miss" (Mimi, from "Another Day")
"Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes. Five hundred twenty-five thousand moments so dear. Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes. How do you measure, measure a year? In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights in cups of coffee. In inches, in miles in laughter in strife. In five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes - how do you measure a year in the life? How about love? How about love? How about love? Measure in love... seasons of love." (Everyone, from "Seasons of Love")

My Own Personal Pharmacy

Since I had the visit with the psychiatrist I wanted to take inventory of what medications I was currently on. My cabinet is reminding me of a pharmacy at the moment. I have way too many pills I think. So here is the current list:

Trazodone (to help me sleep)
Penicillin (in case my tooth was infected)
Ibuprofen (for pain... didn't realize they made a prescripton strength)
Bacolofin (muscle relaxant for the TMJ)

Vitamins:

Iron
B-Complex
Multi-vitamin

Prescriptions I have but am not taking:

Percocets (Just think of the Cypress Hill song.. "I wanna get high")
Zoloft (Do I look depressed?)
Oxazapam (Highly addictive sleepmedication)


So I went from no medical care for 4 years and barely being on medications at all... to a cabinet filled with prescription drugs. Welcome to the world of modern medicine. We have a pill for whatever ails you. Take1 (or 2) and call me in the morning.

Moving

Looks like I'll be moving May 1 :o( I thought once I was done school I would stop moving annually. Since I moved to Peterborough this will be the 4th time I've moved. I'd really like to get settled somewhere. Now the upside is that I can look for a one bedroom and actually have a place to myself. That would be nice. The downside is timing. Right now I really can't afford to be apartment hunting. I can't even afford to pay bills, or rent... so where am I going to come up with first and last? But I don't have a choice since my roommate is handing in his notice and I can't afford to be on the lease by myself. I don't have $875 to spend a month on rent. I'd consider a one bedroom here but it's pretty expensive. I guess we'll see what happens.

What's Holding You Back?

Most of us have stopped following our dreams at some point along the way and are now just working for a living... often in a job that we don't even really like. I'm not saying I hate my job but it's definitely not what I would call my dream job. I think we can identify reasons why and the following is obviously not a complete list.

Money

The all mighty dollar. Money can play a role on two fronts. For one, we need to be able to pay bills. I've been on welfare and it's not an experience I would want to go back to. But money can also hold us back from following our dreams. Maybe your dream is to open your own business. This takes planning and capital. But at the same time some people never look into what is needed to pursue their dreams and just assume it's not possible.

Fear

It can take courage to follow your dreams. For many there is a fear, especially of failure. So we stay in safety instead of stepping outside the comfort zone. We work that 9 to 5 job and don't take any chances. It's easy to just go with the flow and stay in a job.

Doubt

We may doubt our own abilities... might even have doubts about what it is we really want. And these doubts end up holding us back. Not to say this is my "big rock" but a while back I did have someone ask me why I doubted myself so much. Even though I know I can do the job I do end up second guessing myself.


Past

As Nietzsche said "Man... cannot learn to forget, but hangs on the past: however far or fast he runs, that chain runs with him." It is really easy to use the past as an excuse. It's like a crutch whenever something happens. According to Allwords defintions of the past include: "Referring to an earlier time; over; finished; former; and previous". It's over yet we still cling to it and don't always move forward. I still remember when I was finishing up my time at Western. I had to complete a writing test. I ended up doing so well I got a certificate for writing proficiency. My mom told me, "I always knew you could write." I remember thinking to myself, "Why didn't you ever tell me that? It might have changed what I did with my life." Yes I've always enjoyed writing and maybe knowing that would have changed things... but at the same time... if it was my dream then I have to choose not to let anyone stand in my way.

So my question for you (if you're not following your dreams any ways) is, what is holding you back?

Movie Reviews

Okay so I really wouldn't call them reviews... but I have been watching more movies recently then I had been in quite a while so I thought I'd give my thoughts on them.

Transporter 2

This is definitely a brainless action flick and not exactly believeable. I enjoyed it more the first time I saw it. But the firehose fight scene makes the movie. Good movie if you want some fight scenes and a movie that does not require any thought.

Lord of War

More of a desert movie. I didn't expect to enjoy this movie but I actually did. The opening was pretty original. It's not the kind of movie that you would watch repeatedly but I do enjoy movies that make me think. Would be a good movie for the media studies course on war I took in university.

Domino

This movie is more like a music video on acid. It was a decent action flick... again that's assuming you want something that won't be thought provoking. You only get the occassional glimpse into Domino's life and they left out a lot of the character development since most of the movie is based on one job. And they truly took some liberties in this film. They didn't even bother to address the heroin addiction or the fact she was arrested for drug trafficking. Obviously, the film didn't extend to her death of a fetanyl overdose. And to sell the movie they used Kiera Knightley and threw in Edgar Ramirez as Choco. But this is Hollywood after all... so if you're not looking at it as a biography it is entertaining.

Saw 2

Saw 2 was a bit of a disappointment. It reminded me a bit of Cube. It was pretty predictible. Not a bad movie but not nearly as good as the original. One of the problems of sequels is that they generally do not live up to the first one.

Rent

I have been waiting for Rent for a very long time. I'm not sure I ever thought I'd see the day when I wanted to see a musical. Not even sure why I identify so much with it since the main story is about AIDS and homosexuality in New York's east village. Loosely based on "La vie Boheme" it began as a Broadway musical. I guess part of the attraction is the fact it's not mainstream and is not something that too many directors would even touch. I'm a little disappointed that they left the song "Hallowe'en" out of it but otherwise I do think it was well done.

Now I'll end it with a quote from Rent, "Forget regret, or life is yours to miss."

TMJ

Well I am no longer stoned on Percocets. Even better, I don't need to get any of my teeth extracted. I went to see the dentist on Monday since I was in agony. Turns out it was actually a problem with my jaw. My TMJ has been aggravated. I'm not sure it's ever hurt this bad. It's been bugging me off and on for a while. I can feel the muscles tensing and twitching perodically. When your jaw closes it's approximately 25 pounds of pressure. The TMJ is made worse from stress and the fact I clench my teeth. Posture is also related. Sitting on the couch watching TV for hours is definitely not helping that. As a result the top vertebrae is out of place and has pulled one side of my jaw out of place. That led to overcompensation and more pain. Looking back I am thinking that I should've taken the dentist up on the offer for painkillers. But I was thinking he'd give me more percocets and that was the last thing I wanted. Naproxen (a muscle relaxant), on the other hand, would be good and has worked in the past to reduce/relieve the pain of TMJ. Hopefully when I go to the chiropractor tomorrow she can help me. Last time I was there she was talking about lasers or acupuncture to relieve the pain. I just hope the pain goes away soon.

Sound of Silence

Maybe I am just too used to being at home, alone and enjoying the sound of silence. Or maybe it's the fact I never was one for small talk. But if I am watching TV, or a movie then let me focus on that. Just because I am here doesn't mean I want random conversations or to talk about trivial shit. I haven't been at work for 6 weeks... so I REALLY do not want to hear about the calls you had today. Okay, I'll make excepion for really interesting calls but every time Steve walks in the door I hear about how hot it is at work (I got the point the first time... didn't need to hear it on every break today). I also don't particularly care that the leak in the ceiling is still there. I'm sure the fact I can barely speak right now on account of pain is not helping any and is making me grouchy but right now I just want to watch my movie in peace and quiet. I almost paused the movie I was watching earlier so that I didn't miss anything and he didn't ruin the experience for me. All right I am done sounding off for now.

Freedom of Speech

During my time off work there have been rumours as to why I am off. No real surprise there. Everyone loves the latest gossip. For the most part that isn't a big deal. But a team leader approached my roommate in the smoking area to ask how I was doing and another team leader seemed to know more about the situation then was public knowledge. I ended up asking Karen (from HR) how many people were supposed to know why I was off work since, as far as I knew, it was confidential. And I don't appreciate it being discussed in public. She told me it was confidential and raised the possibility that since a couple of people from my team had access to my blog that maybe that is where it was coming from. At the time there were only 5 people from work that even knew I had a blog, including my team leader who is not allowed to say anything. Steve has never even checked it out. Val is not allowed to say anything. And that leaves two people, both on my team. I highly doubt that the team leaders in question found out from either of those people. So I moved all the posts to another blog located here. Whatever happened to freedom of speech though? Why do I feel like I have to censor what I say? When I return to work it's not like people aren't going to ask me why I was off.

Next question... why am I made to feel bad about the whole situation? I feel like I have done something wrong and shouldn't say anything. If they really do think I am suffering from depression then isolating me and not allowing me to talk to anyone is just going to make it worse.

So now we have lies, blackmail and censorship during my time off. I had the blog so that people could find out what was going on and how I was doing. It has been a rough 5 weeks but I have nothing to hide. Until recently I hadn't even mentioned the cutting so the most anyone from work would've got out of it was that the doctor thought I was depressed... how many times I had been to the doctor, what medication I was on, etc. I don't see anything bad about that. It's just honesty. I've got nothing to be ashamed of and there is nothing I want to hide about it. Well okay, I don't want to discuss cutting with my agents... but even then it has been almost 10 months now so it's not an issue.

"Section 2(b) of the Charter states that "Everyone has the following fundamental freedoms: ... freedom of thought, belief, opinion and expression, including freedom of the press and other media of communication."

Freedom of expression is a cornerstone of a functioning democracy. Freedom of expression promotes certain societal values, as noted by Professor Emerson in 1963: "Maintenance of a system of free expression is necessary (1) as assuring individual self-fulfillment, (2) as a means of attaining the truth, (3) as a method of securing participation by the members of the society in social, including political, decision-making, and (4) as maintaining the balance between stability and change in society." Our constitutional commitment to free speech is predicated on the belief that a free society cannot function with coercive legal censorship in the hands of persons supporting one ideology who are motivated to use the power of the censor to suppress opposing viewpoints." (http://www.constitutional-law.net/expression.html)

My Second Home

Yep I was back at the ER last night. Pretty soon they are going to think I am a hypochondriac or have a factitious disorder. But for now they are doing well for stocking my medicine cabinet. After years of no doctor and no medications I currently have 5 different prescriptions sitting in the cupboard. So what prompted last night's visit? I've been avoiding the dentist for a long time now... looks like I really should have got my teeth checked out before now. The pain got so bad I was clenching my teeth all the time and making the pain worse. I was at the chiropractor's yesterday and she couldn't even unclench my jaw. I could barely eat. So in spite of the freezing rain last night I was back at the ER. At least it wasn't busy so I was only there for about 30 minutes instead of my usual 4 hours. They gave me penicillin and percocets and told me to go see a dentist.

Right now I feel like I am stoned. I'm not sure whether it's because the Fibromyalgia makes me sensitive to medication... or perhaps the fact I only weigh 90 pounds.... but the meidcation seems to be little potent. I talked to the pharmacist and she said I could cut the dose in half and see if that works. I like the pain relief... but it's actually tensing up my back and my hands are shaking.

In other news next week I will still be trying to get ahold of Dr. Caskey to fill out the medical certificate so I can get that to EI before they deny my claim. And I'll be seeing the psychiatrist and hoping that he clears me to return to work. I don't see any reason why he won't but stranger things have been known to happen. I am not suffering from depression, have the anemia under control and am being treated for the fibromyalgia. So... I should be able to go back to work and will actually be healthier then I have been in a very long time.

The chronotherapy seems to be working as well. I am definitely glad not to be doing that any longer but I am actually getting up in the morning. And for those of you that knew me years ago... since when did I get up in the morning even then? So this is kind of new for me. It's been challenging to adjust my day, especially since I am off work. I don't have a whole lot to do. Lately I've been watching some of the Olympics and just relaxing which is a good thing for me.

No words of wisdom, or deep thoughts, from me at the moment. Maybe once my brain is not in a fog and overmedicated. For now I am going to go have a shower and then start thinking about the web site I need to design.

Trial by Fire

I think that calling it a "trial by fire" is the best way to describe the beginning of 2006. As much as I was at peace with being off work and looked at the benefits (getting a family doctor, treating the fibromyalgia, working on getting healthy, chronotherapy to change my sleep patterns) right now I am starting to feel anger again. A lot of that could be the stress from finances as I mentioned already. It has cost me a great deal to be off work.

I don't agree with the way it was handled by work... or by the doctors. Yes, I was having some performance issues at work. One of them was my sales. Sales have always been a weak point for me, that's nothing new. Been there for over 3 years and I've never been able to consistently make the sales quota. As for my tone on calls I can think of a few reasons for that. The biggest one is the fatigue. I was tired all of the time and was having difficulty with thought process. I got a verbal warning after my team leader listened to the end of a call... she didn't even hear the beginning of it. Whatever... When they forced me to take a leave of absence from work I was told that since I had given away a knife to a coworker so I wouldn't be tempted to go back to the self-injury I was considered a "threat to myself or others" and would need to be cleared by a doctor to return to work. I found out later I had the right to refuse the LOA but they did not tell me that. It wasn't until I went to the doctor that he said it was because of "my performance issues at work, numerous physical complaints, and the fact I brought a knife to work." Nothing like stacking the deck against me. I have fibromyalgia so, of course, there are going to be a number of physical complaints. Aside from when I was forced to go home on account of pain I didn't use it as an excuse not to do my job. Giving the knife to a coworker was a bad call, no argument from me there. But that does not mean I am a threat to anyone... and if I was considered to be such a threat to myself why did it take so long to act on it? And why did they allow me to just go home? Obviously, I wasn't really a threat to myself then. See also my post on the Bill of Rights for Those Who Self-Harm.

Then there was the treating physician, Dr. Caskey. First, he told me that fibromyalgia is typically a symptom of a psychiatric disorder. I guess we're back to the idea that it's all in your head... despite what the research has shown. He felt I must be depressed and that giving the knife away was a "cry for help." No... now if I had gone back to the cutting that might be true but I hadn't. I got rid of it to remove the temptation. Then he wanted me to go to the hospital to get a diganosis of depression and put on medication so that I could return to work. He blackmailed me into it by making psychiatric treatment a condition of clearing me to return to work. Then turned around and did not allow me to return to work... and now seems to be stalling with the medical certificate. I feel like having a little chat with him right about now. But I did what i was told... played up every negative aspect of my life and got the script for Zoloft. Since he didn't clear me to return to work any ways that was a mistake. Put my health in jeopardy and then my mental health.

While I was off I went to the walk-in clinic to try and get a referral to a rheumatologist. Since I was still under the assumption that Dr. Caskey was going to allow me to return to work, now that I was medicated (or so they thought any ways), I didn't ask about going back to work. In hindsight I probably should've. He told me that no one in Peterborough would treat fibromyalgia cases. Ever feel like you're fighting a losing war? By this point I sure did.

Then work told me that I had not been cleared to return to work and would not be coming back until the follow-up visit with the psychiatrist... more blackmail. Since I wasn't on any medication it was time for my third trip to the hospital... and time to be honest about my motivations for saying what I did the first time around. I get the impression they thought I was lying or in denial. They refused to allow me to return to work but did change the medication... to a Benzodiazapine that I became addicted to.

Getting an idea of how much of a nightmare the last 5 weeks have been? They weren't even treating the right thing the entire time. At this point I finally decided to locate a family doctor and seek treatment outside of Peterborough. Ended up with a doctor in Pickering. It was the first time I was validated by someone in the medical community. He acknowledged that fibromyalgia was real and that he would refer me to a rheumatologist so that it could be treated properly. Finally getting somewhere... I saw him earlier this week. He took me off the Oxazapam and put me on Trazadone for the sleep. Now that I am on my third medication in 5 weeks... but it's a step in the right direction.

Interestingly enough, the best medical advice has come from my chiropractor. She mentioned that I may not be getting enough iron and even though I was taking a supplement the medication may be counteracting it. So I went and talked to a pharmacist. She recommended increasing the level of iron, as well as the dosage. As soon as I did that I noticed quite a difference. I have a LOT more energy now and am not sleeping for 12 hours a day and still feeling exhausted. So what they needed to do from the start was actually do some tests which would've revealed the anemia (I am a walking medical textbook case *lol*) and had they treated that, along with the sleep I would've been better off.

The last step came from me when I went through the chronotherapy. It was undoubtedly one of the most brutal things I've gone through. I didn't think it was going to be so rough. I also didn't think it would be so bad that I would hit the point where I was so tired I would start hallucinating. But any ways... that is now over and I am actually on a better sleep schedule. I am still tired but in time that should improve.

To recap: the high points have come from a doctor in Pickering, my chiropractor, and my decision to go through chronotherapy while I was off. But if you ask Dr. Caskey it's all just depression. As Adam said, "If they want to diagnose you with depression then they can diagnose us all at one point or another." We all go through bad times... it's part of life. The low points are the way work treated the self-injury, followed by the treatment from the physician and the psychiatrists. What did I learn? Don't say anything to anyone at work... it just comes back to bite you in the ass.... and if you need treatment seek it outside of Peterborough.

Favazza (1998) states, quite definitively, that

. . . self-mutilation is distinct from suicide. Major reviews have upheld this distinction. . . A basic understanding is that a person who truly attempts suicide seeks to end all feelings whereas a person who self-mutilates seeks to feel better. p. 262.

If you follow that... I was not a threat to myself and should not have been forced to take time off work on account of the self-injury. They never even asked me about it or got my opinion on the situation. Then to be blackmailed into psychiatric treatment. I feel violated by that fact. My parents can't even force treatment on me and I should have had the right to refuse treatment. But since I do want to return to work I did not have a choice but to go along with it. I guess it's no wonder I feel angry, betrayed.

Stress Free Diet

1 part rest
1 part relaxation
1 part supportive people around you

Stir and serve

Okay so I wish it was that easy. I'm currently reminded of the old addage, "Money is the root of all evil." Well in my case... it may not be evil... but it certainly is stress. I'm still trying to get the medical certificate from the doctor and he seems to be taking his time getting back to me. I've been off work for 5 weeks now without any source of income and I need that piece of paper to claim my EI. I'd really like the money so I can pay rent... and go to the dentist. Got a cavity that is becoming quite painful and I'd like it taken care of.

On top of that Steve announced that I should maybe be looking for a new place to live since he can't afford to continue paying rent here. Hmm... if I am moving out I've got 2 weeks before my notice has to be in. I can't afford to pay my bills as it is where am I going to get first and last from? While I was considering moving to a one bedroom I wanted to give it a few months and since I am not at work it's hard to try and find a roommate for me. Not to mention the fact Steve's room looks more like a storage unit then a bedroom. So I've been scared to show it to anyone. And I really don't want to be moving again. I've already moved 3x since I got to Peterborough. That wasn't how I wanted to start my day.

All my stress right now comes from the financial side of things. Being off work for so long is going to wind up costing me about $2000. Since my EI has not been approved so far the lack of an income is really starting to hurt. Fortunately, I did some work on Adam's computer so he will be giving me money and I have a web site to design that will also bring in some money.... just not enough to actually make ends meet. As much as I am trying to relax it's not that easy.

Chronotherapy

I'm not sure who thought this was a good idea... but since I was feeling better after taking the iron I thought I'd try it. The goal of chronotherapy is to push bedtime back by 3 hours a night until it gets to midnight (or whenever you want your bedtime to be). Sounds easy.... and with my sleep pattern I was halfway there. I do have more energy with the iron but waking up at 8:00 p.m. like I did yesterday, or 11:00 tonight is rough. I just feel out of sync from the get-go. Fortunately, in a few days it will be done and I will have hopefully reset my circadian rhythms. Not sure it's going to help me become a morning person *lol* but at least it will make it easier to go to bed at midnight when I do have to return to work. So in 18 hours I can go back to bed... sweet dreams.

Self Injury Awareness Day (SIAD)

Now for a little more honest glimpse into my life. The title says a lot. For years I have struggled with self injury. You learn to hide the scars, and the pain and remain silent. I learned to cut where the scars could be concealed. I lied to people and I hurt the people that were close to me. But since the temptation to return to the cutting after 9 months is part of the reason I am on the leave of absence from work I am breaking that silence and opening up about it.

We all cope in different ways... and if we wanted to be honest with ourselves there is always at least one negative coping mechanism. Maybe it's that bowl of ice cream that we get when under stress... or maybe it's the bottom of a bottle. Whatever it is... we have all these tendencies. But we wouldn't do them if they weren't reinforcing. There's a pay off somewhere.

The subject of sef-injury tends to have shock value and almost seems to be taboo. It also tends to conjure up images of a mental illness because no one in their right mind would willingly cut themselves would they? When I had to see the doctor he said it was "A cry for help" and associated it with suicide. I had given away the knife so I would not be tempted to use it, not because I wanted to spend time with a shrink and be put on anti-depressants. At the time I was under a great deal of stress with my roommate and with work. I was also exhausted and never felt rested... I was basically a walking zombie. Add stress to that and I was a pressure cooker.

Back to the pay-off for self-injury. For me, any ways, it has a calming effect. In many ways it's a way to escape. It allows me to avoid feeling the emotional side of things because suddenly you have to focus on the physical. But it is also a trap. Because there is such a stigma with it as soon as you self-injure there is a tremendous amount of guilt and shame. Quickly you feel those emotions again and return to the cutting.

The first time I quit it was for 3 years. But it always stays with you... always in the back of your mind. And any time you get stressed you think about it. When Adam and I split up I didn't handle it so well. I wasn't sleeping, was still living with him and was trying to just get by... but wasn't really coping very well. So I ended up back where I started. I told someone about it and they freaked, tried to control the behaviour. Made me feel like a rat in a cage. So I cut deeper and more times. Just before I moved out I stopped again and haven't cut since then. But the temptation remains. One day at a time. It's all I can do. And here I thought removing the temptations was a good thing... instead it gets me 2 months off work.

Before I start the next paragraph I am going to add a disclaimer. I am not pro self-injury and am not going out and buying a black and blue bracelet to show my support for the behaviour. Nor will I ever post pictures of the scars. However, I do believe that I should be allowed to cope in whatever way I need to. The reality is that I am more likely to accidentally kill myself with alcohol then I am with a knife. I've had alcohol poisoning a couple of times now and not once did I ever go to the hospital. Yet people are okay with me having a drink to escape. It's more socially acceptable. In fact, I have had people tell me to get drunk every night since I am on an LOA and there's nothing work can do. If I am a genuine threat to myself (or to someone else) then you have a right to force me into treatment... but until then I believe I should have that choice and the right to refuse treatment. Not have psychiatric treatment be a condition on me returning to work. That's blackmail. And my ability to work is not related to the cutting. It may be related to the stress but it is mainly because of the fatigue. As it turns out the fatigue is not related to a psychiatric disorder... but untreated anemia. I can thank the chiropractor for that one. I felt 1000x better after increasing my daily dosage of iron. I went from barely being able to move off the couch and having no energy at all... to being able to function again.

Any ways... March 1 is Self Injury Awareness Day. While it is not recognized if you know someone that self-injures, or injure yourself show your support that day and wear an orange ribbon or bracelet. The colours typically associated with self-injury are:
Orange: Still self injuring
Orange & White: In recovery
White: Friends and family who understand

And for those that think self-injury is way out there... millions of people self-injure. The estimates may be as high as 1 in 4. Chances are you know someone who injures themselves. If you want more information feel free to contact me... or do a search on Google. There are a number of web sites out there and a number of books on the subject.

The assumption is that the alternative to self-injury is "acting normally," but on the contrary . . . the alternative to self-injury is total loss of control and possibly suicide. It becomes a forced choice from among limited options.
Solomon and Farrand (1996)

A Bill of Rights for Those Who Self-Harm

1. The right to caring, humane medical treatment.
   Self-injurers should receive the same level and quality of care that a person presenting with an identical but accidental injury would receive. Procedures should be done as gently as they would be for others. If stitches are required, local anesthesia should be used. Treatment of accidental injury and self-inflicted injury should be identical.

2. The right to participate fully in decisions about emergency psychiatric treatment (so long as no one's life is in immediate danger).
   When a person presents at the emergency room with a self-inflicted injury, his or her opinion about the need for a psychological assessment should be considered. If the person is not in obvious distress and is not suicidal, he or she should not be subjected to an arduous psych evaluation. Doctors should be trained to assess suicidality/homicidality and should realize that although referral for outpatient follow-up may be advisable, hospitalization for self-injurious behavior alone is rarely warranted.

3. The right to body privacy.
   Visual examinations to determine the extent and frequency of self-inflicted injury should be performed only when absolutely necessary and done in a way that maintains the patient's dignity. Many who SI have been abused; the humiliation of a strip-search is likely to increase the amount and intensity of future self-injury while making the person subject to the searches look for better ways to hide the marks.

4. The right to have the feelings behind the SI validated.
   Self-injury doesn't occur in a vacuum. The person who self-injures usually does so in response to distressing feelings, and those feelings should be recognized and validated. Although the care provider might not understand why a particular situation is extremely upsetting, she or he can at least understand that it *is* distressing and respect the self-injurer's right to be upset about it.

5. The right to disclose to whom they choose only what they choose.
   No care provider should disclose to others that injuries are self-inflicted without obtaining the permission of the person involved. Exceptions can be made in the case of team-based hospital treatment or other medical care providers when the information that the injuries were self-inflicted is essential knowledge for proper medical care. Patients should be notified when others are told about their SI and as always, gossiping about any patient is unprofessional.

6. The right to choose what coping mechanisms they will use.
   No person should be forced to choose between self-injury and treatment. Outpatient therapists should never demand that clients sign a no-harm contract; instead, client and provider should develop a plan for dealing with self-injurious impulses and acts during the treatment. No client should feel they must lie about SI or be kicked out of outpatient therapy. Exceptions to this may be made in hospital or ER treatment, when a contract may be required by hospital legal policies.

7. The right to have care providers who do not allow their feelings about SI to distort the therapy.
   Those who work with clients who self-injure should keep their own fear, revulsion, anger, and anxiety out of the therapeutic setting. This is crucial for basic medical care of self-inflicted wounds but holds for therapists as well. A person who is struggling with self-injury has enough baggage without taking on the prejudices and biases of their care providers.

8. The right to have the role SI has played as a coping mechanism validated.
   No one should be shamed, admonished, or chastised for having self-injured. Self-injury works as a coping mechanism, sometimes for people who have no other way to cope. They may use SI as a last-ditch effort to avoid suicide. The self-injurer should be taught to honor the positive things that self-injury has done for him/her as well as to recognize that the negatives of SI far outweigh those positives and that it is possible to learn methods of coping that aren't as destructive and life-interfering.

9. The right not to be automatically considered a dangerous person simply because of self-inflicted injury.
   No one should be put in restraints or locked in a treatment room in an emergency room solely because his or her injuries are self-inflicted. No one should ever be involuntarily committed simply because of SI; physicians should make the decision to commit based on the presence of psychosis, suicidality, or homicidality.

10. The right to have self-injury regarded as an attempt to communicate, not manipulate.
    Most people who hurt themselves are trying to express things they can say in no other way. Although sometimes these attempts to communicate seem manipulative, treating them as manipulation only makes the situation worse. Providers should respect the communicative function of SI and assume it is not manipulative behavior until there is clear evidence to the contrary.

© 1998-2001 Deb Martinson.

I've Been Tagged

Since I've been tagged (thanks Suzanne) I guess I better reply... It would've been nicer to be doing the random facts one but any ways... here goes...

Four Jobs I've Had:

What, me work?
Performance coach at Minacs
Security in London for Securitas
Rental agent in London at my old apartment building
Assistant in the Registrar's office at Huron University College

Four Movies I Could Watch Over and Over Again:

Mr. & Mrs. Smith
Ever After
Bourne Identity
Vertical Limit

Four Places I've Lived:

Cobourg, ON
Camborne, Ontario
London, ON
Peterborough, ON

Four TV Shows I Watch:

Criminal Minds
CSI
Lost
Survivor

Four Places I've Been on Vacation:

Maritimes
Florida
Mexico
British Columbia

Four Web Sites I Visit Daily:

Red Flag Deals
Amazon
Future Shop
Blogspot

Four Blogs I Visit Daily

Suzanne
Sarah
Lesley
Val

Four Favourite Foods:

Does McDonald's count?
Steak (from the Keg any ways)
Pizza
Mozza sticks
Chips and spinach dip

Four Places I'd Rather Be:

Anywhere in the Carribean
Soaking in a hot tub
Chilling at Tammy's
The land down under... or New Zealand

Four Charities I'd Give Bucketloads of Money To:

Joyful Heart Foundation
RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network)
Elizabeth Glaser Pediatric AIDS Foundation
LifeSIGNS (Self Injury Guidance and Network Support)

Four Tagged People:

Umm... most people I know have already done this or don't blog at all...
So I guess Val you're it
And anyone else reading this that has not already been tagged

And that is all she wrote... unless someone gives me new questions to answer.

Cheers

When it Rains it Pours

Just when I think something might go my way it blows up in my face... I was expecting money back from my student loan since I qualified for interest relief. After talking to the bank they denied the request. They said that the money came out for November and December's payment. Now the one I understand... I hadn't applied for interest relief. But according to the student loan center I had been approved for December. That means that I should not have been paying anything for it. But the banks ruling is that I'm not getting the money back. So with $29 left in my bank account somehow I am supposed to make a miracle happen. I am not as concerned with a late payment for my credit cards... but I still need to be able to pay rent for March and have no idea when my EI claim will go through since the doctor is still on vacation. My guess would be mid-March for that one. Starting to feel the effects of not working for a month. When it rains it pours.

MIA

Looks like when I don't post anything for a few days people get concerned and start wondering if I am okay. At least I know people care *lol* The RAM clip broke on the computer and we ended up getting it replaced. There was some downtime there in between computers, since I had stripped my old one already. On the weekend I was watching/recording the latest UFC PPV event. I still had a couple of DVDs to finish for Tammy. At this point I haven't even gotten around to putting my data back on the computer. That's still on my list of things to do.

Yesterday I went over to Tammy's when she got off work. Watched some UFC and just relaxed... something I haven't done enough of. It was nice to get out of the house for a while, even if Azrael was pissed at me when I came home. A change of scenery never hurts. Not to mention the fact Tammy has been one of the few positive forces since I went on the LOA at work.

Looks like I'm not the only one with computer problems this week. Adam's computer won't post currently. He dropped it off tonight so I can take a look at it. I have the time and the parts to test it. Also gives me something to do. Idle hands are the devil's playground. Okay so I really haven't been getting myself into trouble... it just sounded good. Watching way too much TV lately.

But for all those concerned I am no longer MIA. I just haven't really had much of a chance to post... and not a whole lot to say. The last week has been pretty much like every other, with the exception of hanging out with Tammy and Wayne. For now though bed time...

Cheers

Light of Day

For the first time in over a month I actually was outside in the morning... even better I was awake during the morning hours. Steve said Tammy was brave for daring to wake me up in the morning. I'll be the first to admit that I am not a morning person and since I am currently not at work I have no reason to be up. My first day shift is going to be rough. So I saw daylight for a little while. Then I went back to bed. I didn't get much sleep last night. I didn't take my medication since I knew I wasn't getting 8 hours of sleep so I really paid the price for it.

Azrael snubbed me when I did get home this morning. After spending the night at Tammy's he wanted his revenge... that lasted all of 10 minutes, which is an eternity in the memory of a cat. Then he was back to wanting love and adoration. He even decided my stomach made a good pillow. Yep back to his usual self.

Chaordic

I'm back to thinking about the need for balance. In everyone's life there is elements of both chaos and order. For follower's of Jung the conscious ego is order, while the collective unconscious is chaos. According to modern chaos theory, seeds of order are imbedded in chaos and vice versa, seeds of chaos are imbedded in order. Can't have one without the other.

According to Wikipedia, the term chaordic "is used in some philosophies to refer to a system that is simultaneously chaotic and ordered. The term was coined by Dee Hock.

The combination of chaos and order is typically described as a harmonious coexistence displaying characteristics of both, with neither chaotic nor ordered behavior dominating. Some people hold that nature is largely organized in such a manner; in particular, living organisms and the evolutionary process by which they arose are often described by adherents to such a philosophy as chaordic in nature. Chaordic systems have also been proposed as a possible approach to consensus decision-making that would be neither hierarchical nor anarchic."

It's about peace and harmony. Balance