Plumb
Cut

I'm not a stranger
No I am yours
With crippled anger
And tears that still drip sore

A fragile flame aged
Is misery
And when our hearts meet
I know you see

I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut

I may seem crazy
Or painfully shy
And these scars wouldn't be so hidden
If you would just look me in the eye
I feel alone here and cold here
Though I don't want to die
But the only anesthetic that makes me feel anything kills inside

I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut
Pain
I am not alone
I am not alone

I'm not a stranger
No I am yours
With crippled anger
And tears that still drip sore

But I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I found it when
I was cut

This was taken from an interview with Plumb about the song "Cut."

RS: They also remixed the song off the album called Cut, which is about a really strong subject like Damaged. Tell us a little bit about the song Cut?
Plumb: It's more or less that a fan on the message board said she was a cutter and she was asking if there was anyone else out there that was a cutter and she had a huge response from some people. Self-cutting is unfortunately a growing form of abuse. She said in her message that her family doesn't understand, her friends don't understand and even sometimes she doesn't understand, but just sometimes she feels so numb inside, just to feel alive she wants to cut the skin. That was just so powerful and poetic to me that it was the inspiration behind Cut, and I certainly didn't write it because I understand it completely and I know how to fix that problem. It was more or less to create conversation so that when someone hears it, if nothing else they feel less alone knowing that there's someone else out there like them going through a similar thing and to give them a tool to start talking about it. Because that's one of the first steps of healing, is to be able to communicate and write it out and talk it out and have a conversation about it. So if nothing else, that would be a goal of the song. It's already doing that and I'm really excited about it.

You are Not Alone

Warning: Potentially triggering images. I came across this video on YouTube and wanted to share it with others. I thought it was a powerful video and also raises awareness on self-injury. Kudos to the author on a job well done. The song used is "Cut" by Plumb. Hope it makes you think and reduces the stigma faced by anyone that self-injures.

If I was a Politician...

There is an upcoming election in Ontario. I feel pretty apathetic towards it... much like I do every other election. My apathy isn't because I don't care who is in power it's because time and time again the things that matter to me aren't on their agenda. So I feel like I am just lost in the sea of nothingness and in the end it doesn't matter who is in power because the changes I want to see aren't going to happen no matter who wins. So what do I want?

I'll start with the one that will be on the agenda.... Improved health care. I would like to see less of a wait time at the hospital. I would also like more doctors available in private practice. As a side note I would also like to see some sort of drug plan for low-income families that has a lower deductible then the Trillium Drug Plan. Health care should be affordable by all.

Dental coverage should be affordable. It is well known that dental problems will lead to other health issues in time. There are no options available to you if your employer does not pay for dental coverage (or if you're on welfare). If it was more affordable then some of those health issues could be avoided. I know, I know.... social assistance programs and health care are already in trouble.

Create more jobs in the Ministry of Labour investigating claims. Currently it takes 6-8 months for them to even begin an investigation because of a backlog in claims. This only benefits the employer and allows them to continue violating the Employment Standards Act in the meantime. In the 6-8 months said employee may choose to seek employment elsewhere or may just give up on the claim. In cases of dismissal it is even more time sensitive. Plus in 6-8 months details may be lost, memories have faded. It can even mean reliving a painful experience. So.... hire more people and reduce that backlog.

Failing that change the law to allow you to drop your complaint beyond the two week mark and file a lawsuit. In a perfect world the 2 week time period is used to allow you to try and work things out with the employer and decide whether or not to pursue the claim. After the two weeks they begin the investigation. So it makes sense that once they have assigned someone to the case that you not be able to just drop the case in favour of legal action. But when new evidence emerges and they are backlogged in some cases it would make sense to be able to drop the complaint and file suit. This would potentially reduce at least some of the pressure from the Ministry of Labour.

Where do I even begin with student loans? Basically I think that they should adopt the 8 points from the Coalition for Student Loan Fairness. When I was in school it was more like a fairy tale. You think you're going to get this nice job when you're done so you don't think about all the debt load you are accumulating. The reality isn't quite so pretty. For one I think that the interest rate should be reduced. Assuming that I don't end up renegotiating my loan I will end up paying about $15,000 in interest over the course of my loan. Secondly, there should be more opportunities for debt reduction programs and interest relief based on hardships. They admitted to me that they do not take cost of living into account when determining whether or not you qualify for interest relief. In the last 3 years the allowable income for interest relief has also not increased to reflect inflation. If a mistake is made it is the borrower that pays, and pays heavily. I have been practically forced into bankruptcy and had my credit rating destroyed because of an error on their part. Thirdly, consolidate all the loans. Right now I have 4 different loans to keep track of and make payments on. Lastly, disability should not be limited to those which occur in the first 6 months and should not take numerous appeals. Sometimes bad things happen to good people. A disability at any point should be counted.

And now I have said my peace. with the exception of health care none of these will likely be seen in anyone's campaign. I lied... Apparently the NDP wants to implement a dental care program for those in need. The NDP are also planning to freeze tuition. Now the Liberals are increasing the funding available for student aid. That is somewhat alarming since more aid typically means more owed down the road. Now they did say that they were increasing grants and loan forgiveness... I heard that too.... and I didn't necessarily see it. They are also working at reducing wait times for certain procedures and have brought in family health teams. I still have no idea what a family health team means or does.... and I just read over the official government information. I am not sure what differences there are in plans for health care between Liberals and Conservatives other then that the latter also wants to introduce electronic records so that data can be shared more easily. Sounds good until the computer crashes. Any ways... a lot of the platforms just sound like the same old rhetoric. The parties point to the flaws from the other guys to make themselves look better and focus on the BIG issues in the media... like health care. There is no Band-Aid solution that is going to make that situation magically get better. It's not Lucky Charms here. But there are a lot of other issues that are just ignored, like the plight of former students. All I can think of now is "Magically Delicious"

Free Health Care, Or Is It?

As I previously mentioned I spent Friday at the hospital. Every time I spend time in the ER it always makes me think of the health care system here in Canada. It wasn't that long ago that being fast tracked actually meant that you were fast tracked. Now I have had times when it was a half hour just to see the triage nurse. Get the handy dandy wristband and you're off to the main waiting area. Then an hour later (or so) you are moved to the fast track area for more waiting. Fours hours (or so) later you're on your way home. Last time I checked the fast track was designed to get you in and out if it was something minor that could be easily checked/treated. So how did we get here?

There is a doctor shortage in many regions at the moment. Too many doctors are heading south or are going to the big cities where they can make more money. This is the reason my doctor is 2 hours away and I never see. The long and the short of it is that we need more doctors.... We need accessible health care. If I had a local doctor I wouldn't have to make use of the ER nearly as often. The same holds true of a number of other people as well. Let's face it if I had a local doctor on Friday I would've been making an appointment to see them instead of clogging up the ER but it's not feasible to drive all the way to Pickering because of a toothache/congestion.

They say that you can't put a price tag on health. But what if you can't afford it? If you have drug coverage count yourself lucky... or if you rarely need medications. I would love nothing more then to be healthy but that takes money. It cost me $43 for the antibiotics from my trip to the hospital on the weekend. I haven't even filled the prescription for my Fibromyalgia medication. Speaking of which there is a treatment clinic in Toronto that would allow me to get personal care and nerve blocking injections. But it costs money to get there and for the medication. So it's a vicious circle. Being healthy would make it easier to look for a job and feel at my best but it requires money.

The same holds true for dental care as well. I really need to get the tooth looked at but I can't afford to. I don't have $200 to spend on it... or $1000 if they wanted to crown the tooth instead. Oh to have a job with dental coverage again. Even once I go back to the land of the working most jobs require that you be there for a year before you get dental coverage.

It costs money to be healthy. While our access to a doctor, even if it means waiting four hours, might be free that's the only thing that is. If I was on social assistance instead of EI then I would have drug coverage. How does that work? I paid into EI on all my paycheques and while it does pay more then welfare at least on social assistance I would have drug coverage and dental coverage. I have discovered that there is the Trillium Drug Program in Ontario. However, with my current income there is a deductible of about $450. So I would have to spend $450 on medications before they would kick in and help out. At which point prescriptions (as long as they're on the list) would be covered and it would only cost me $2 to get the prescription filled. While there is no harm in applying for it there is little chance that my medications would reach that high. Even if it did I don't have that kind of money any ways. Pretty sad when you see prescriptions as a luxury item in the grand scheme of things.

Drugs, Glorious Drugs

The other day I was suffering from a toothache. Considering I have a tooth that is slowly disintegrating that really isn't a surprise. I had managed to cut my tongue on the tooth and it was sensitive to cold drinks. Plus there was pain in the sinuses right above the tooth. So on Thursday I decided that I would be heading to the ER on Friday. I have no dental coverage (or drug coverage for that matter) and while I figured they would just wind up referring me to a dentist I know that there is some dental coverage for emergencies with OHIP so I wanted to try my luck. I knew that if nothing else I would get drugs. So when I was talking to Steve I arranged for him to pick me up.

By Thursday evening I was sick as a dog. No wonder my tooth was hurting. I was congested beyond belief and my throat was sore. In 2 hours I think I went through half a box of Kleenex. I still went to the hospital on Friday. Always a great way to spend the afternoon. It was a shorter visit then usual. I was only there for 2.5 hours instead of the usual 4. Sure enough he recommended that I go see a dentist about the tooth. The dilemma there is two-fold. The main reason for not going is that it will cost me about $150 to see the dentist and then go back to have the tooth extracted. If I had the money I would do it. But the other dilemma is that I don't want to lose the tooth if I don't have to. There is no way I can afford to get it capped if that's the other option. The doctor also gave me a prescription for an antibiotic. He offered a pain reliever but I turned it down. I still have T3s if it comes to that.

I'm not so crazy about medications... especially ones that you have to take with food 3x a day. It also leads you to be dehydrated so I have to drink more water then I normally would... Water that is not in a pretty red can, with flavouring. *lol* At least the side effects aren't like being on penicillin. I told them I was allergic so that I would get something else. I'm already starting to feel better, not so congested. Don't get me wrong I am still congested. It's just not as bad. I'm guessing that means it wasn't just a virus that I had.

You know I am sick when I am eating soup. I don't eat soup as a general rule. I'm also making sure I rest and take it easy so that I will get better quickly. I figure there is no point in overdoing it and trying to do too much since it will just end up taking longer to heal and get better. But right now I am all about the medication.

Shh.... It's a Secret

I'll start this with a preamble of my own. Now that Suzanne has tagged me I am supposed to go on to tag others to share their own secrets. I am not going to do that. Most of the people I know with blogs have already been tagged. And for anyone that hasn't I don't want them to feel obligated to share all. If they want to then they can. No pressure. Online my life seems to be an open book so I am not sure what to say... Besides my family reads this so there are certain things I am not about to share. But without further adieu.

Rules: People who are tagged need to write in their own blog these rules & the eight things. At the end of the your blog post, tag six people and list their (blog) names. Leave a comment on their blog telling them they've been tagged and encourage them to read your blog.

Secret # 1. I studied psychology in school because that was what I knew. I had no idea what I was really good at so I went with what I knew. If I had it to do all over again I am not sure that's what I would choose for myself. But then I am 28 years old and don't know what I want to be when I grow up.

Secret # 2. After being fired from work I actually was more concerned with doing what was best for the company than what was best for me. Can we say doormat? I really need to start looking out for my own interests... not to the point of being completely selfish but so that I don't get completely taken advantage of.

Secret # 3. I sleep with the stuffed bunny that I had as a child on my bed. It helps reassure me and is calming when I get stressed out.

Secret # 4. I really should see a therapist but I think my education is holding me back. Since my degree is in psychology I feel like I already know the answers and what I need to change. It's like they say... "Physician heal thyself."

Secret # 5. When in high school I thought that popularity was one of the signs of success. I thought that I needed a large number of friends and to be social all the time. I have since realized that I am more content in isolation with just me and Azrael. I really am a loner at heart.

Secret # 6. The Chinese horoscope is definitely accurate in it's description of me and finances. Money is nothing more then a means to an end. It does not bring happiness. If I have money I spend it. The word "save" is not in my vocabulary.

Secret # 7. I have a tough time with the A&E show "Intervention." I feel like I am a voyeur and it makes me a little uncomfortable to be invading someone's privacy that deeply. I put myself in the shoes of the addict and wouldn't want the entire world to see me like that. It also makes me realize that I would not want my friends and family to corner me in an intervention. So if you ever feel the need think twice.

Secret # 8. I am one of the only people that has self-induced ADD. After falling off my bike when I was 14 I fractured the skull. When I went to see my family doctor afterwards she told me that I would likely have trouble concentrating on task and would need to focus. She was right. I have to work at it. So if you ever think I'm not paying attention I could be multi-tasking or just struggling to pay attention. If I had the hyperactivity to go with it then right about now I would be saying it's time to go ride a bike.

Better Late Than Never

I realize that my trip to Montreal was at the beginning of August and I really haven't said much about it. Better late then never.When I came back I was extra crispy as I posted on before. Made it quite difficult to use the computer or move really. Plus I wanted to find the best pictures to use for this post. God bless the internet. I now have 100s of pictures, including my own.

I'll start with the days leading up to the trip. I was pretty stressed out. It wasn't until the Monday when I got the cheque for my RRSPs. I took it to the bank on Tuesday and that became a hassle. I was able to get the money for the trip but at the time I wasn't sure if my rent would end up being bounced. Fortunately they didn't put a hold on the cheque and it went through just fine.

If you know me (away from the online version of myself which is a lot like the offline version.. just not as quiet) then you know that I tend to go to bed late and sleep in. Before the trip to Montreal I had actually been going to bed anywhere from 5:00-7:00 a.m. So when I was being picked up at 10 a.m. it was a bit of a challenge. I didn't get much sleep on Wednesday night but at least it meant I was able to have breakfast before heading out.

10 a.m. I was outside. It was super hot that day. I think it was already like 30 degrees and only 10 a.m. 20 minutes later I was already feeling the heat and was dehydrated. I went back inside to get a can of Coke for the trip and glass of water. Go figure, as soon as I got inside Wayne was here to pick me up. I had figured that we would be on the road immediately. Nope. We didn't end up heading out until about 11:30. It was a scenic drive down there through a lot of small towns. I'll skip most of the details of the drive but it was about 6:30 when we got to the hotel. I was more then happy to get out of the van and had a migraine by then. We were staying at the Comfort Inn in St. Jean-sur-Richelieu. It's about 30 minutes from Montreal and has a population about the size of Peterborough. Get unpacked and head out for dinner at the Restaurant au Foyer Rouge. Mmmmm steak. :) The hotel had wireless internet setup so I was able to check my email, look up the metro for Montreal, and check Facebook for any new updates. Went to bed early on account of the headache and the lack of sleep from the night before. Slept like a baby!!!

On the Friday the track opened at 7:30 a.m. but most of the day was just qualifying for the Canadian Tire Series and the Grand Am series. Plus there was practice time. So we didn't rush down there. Bacon and eggs for breakfast, back at the Foyer Rouge. Then we made our way to Montreal. Originally we were planning to take the Metro over to the Circuit Gilles Villeneueve since the web site had said there was only limited parking available on site. I had only gotten as far as locating various metro stops and left the rest up to Wayne and Tammy. They had identified where to go but the directions were left in the hotel. I had my PDA there, along with the GPS but it tends to want an address to go to. I did however find directions to the casino which is right in the middle of the racetrack. So we decided to try our luck there. Turned out to be really easy and not paid parking. Guess they're afraid that you might have lost all your money in the casino and can't afford parking fees as well.

First stop was to find where our seats were. Along the way we walked through the center area. Here there were vendors, or should I say Zellers since they had the official deal for Nascar merchandise. There was also the beer garden. One of the main attractions was definitely the Budweiser girls. They were local dancers and would pose for pictures or be dancing on the stage that had been set up. From what I could tell the band was always playing. As part of the Budweiser display there was also a replica Dale Earhardt Jr. car that you could try your hand at removing and replacing the tires. Since Dodge was another big sponsor of the even there was also a huge display with the current models. Oakley also had a booth there but I never did find out what was inside. Old Spice also had a tent set up where they were playing music and had cool air running. Perfect if you need a respite from the hot sun. They were also giving away Old Spice cloths that were being stored in a fridge. I didn't discover them until Saturday but it really came in handy. Dodge was giving out red bandanas with the Dodge logo. Once we made it through what I call vendor alley we had to cross a bridge that went over the racetrack to get to the Wallace Grandstand. No rest for the wicked. Tammy and I then went exploring. Time to check out the merchandise even though it was cheaper to buy in the local Zellers store. It was also about taking in the sights and sounds. Back to the stands to catch some action and eventually the Grand Am Rolex Series race. That series just seemed confusing to me. From what I could tell there were 2 different races at the same time. One group was for prototype cars and another was for Grand-Ams. Don't ask me who won. I have no idea. It was fun to watch though. We were in the middle of the S curve so there were a few cars that either took short cuts through the grass or wound up way off the track.

Dinner was Burger King.... That turned out to be a bit of an event. I can recognize some French words but I definitely can't hold a conversation. I ordered chicken and I don't normally eat at Burger King so I didn' know the package said both chicken and fish. I don't eat fish so when I looked at the wrapper and it said "chicken of the sea" (well okay that's what the French translates to) I thought I had gotten the wrong order. I didn't speak French and they didn't speak English. Let me tell you nothing got accomplished. I finally gave up. Turns out the order was right. After 7 hours in the sun I was developing a nice burn on my back. Spent some time with Tammy since I hadn't really talked to her since I got fired. Had a shower as well to try and cool off my back.... get some moisture into the skin. Plus I felt pretty grubby after a day in the sun. We were under a high heat and humidity warning all day. I was in jeans and a tank top. Grubby....

Saturday morning Carmen and I had to turn in our room key. We were supposed to have a different room that night. As it turns out that wasn't the case. We were able to keep our room due to a cancellation. Skipped breakfast this time since it was going to be a long day in the sun. This time when we went to park at the casino we were directed away. No Nascar fans were to be parked at the casino. So Wayne lied and told them we were going to the casino first. Get parked and discover we have another issue... We will not be allowed to enter the casino with our chairs and coolers. So Wayne heads out to drop us off and then was supposed to tell them that he had accidentally got turned around. Do you think he could handle that? No... instead he mentions Nascar and is immediately directed away. Get turned around by a cop and he drops us off and then parks the van. Must admit that it was nice to be parked at the casino and not be worrying about public transit. Not to mention the fact it cost less... Free is always good.

The smart plan would have been to drop all of our stuff off at the seats and then sent 2 people to explore. Wayne had been told that the driver trailers were supposedly close to where we were and they wanted to find them. Now I had my suspicions that the trailers were over by the pits which was on the opposite side and quite a distance away. I was also debating whether or not it would be worth going. We hadn't left as early as we were planning so we only had an hour before the Canadian Tire Series race started. Now you would think that it's plenty of time. We finally get over to where the pits are (well you can't get anywhere near there without a pit pass) and it looks pretty much the same as every other area. The only difference is track location. Tammy and I stopped while Wayne and Carmen carried on. The race started while we were standing there. 45 minutes after we stopped Wayne comes back. They weren't able to go to the driver trailers. Not only that but Carmen is exhausted and was waiting for one of the crew vehicles to drive her back to our section. So he was going to wait with her and then walk back. Tammy and I headed back and it only took us 10 minutes. But we had missed half the race. Once she did make it back Carmen didn't leave the stands until the end of the Busch race.

After the race I finally got lunch and did some exploring on my own. Now I was in shorts and a tank top this time. My back felt like it was on fire. Having a tattoo there does make you more sensitive as I discovered. It was at this point I asked people where to get the cloths they had. Went to the Old Spice tent and skipped the line... Went in the back way and just got a cloth. I ended up at the St. John's medic tent. Why is it that every time I go away to an event I wind up with the medics? It wasn't anything serious. I had just cut my leg and wanted a band-aid. Not like Trudeau Park where I still have a scar on my finger. Got back just before things got underway for the Busch race. In the meantime I made use of the ice water from my cooler to cool down my back. Ahhh.... relief.

And then the drunk chicks arrived. Up until that point it had been heaven. we had 6 tickets and only 4 of us went so we had a little more space then other people. Somehow I still ended up in someone else's seat for Friday but it didn't really matter. People were peaceful and I could just watch the race. But these two were obnoxious. More importantly the one sitting next to me seemed intent on spilling her beer on me. Within about 5 minutes she had already dropped her beer. They were also loud. After she dropped her beer they left to get another one. Peace and quiet for a little bit. Too bad they came back. I kept wrenching my back to steer clear of her since I really didn't want that beer. After about an hour and a half they disappeared and did not return. Not sure if they had a hand with that decision or not. What I found interesting is that they were here from Ontario and didn't even like racing. So why go? And if you just want to have a good time why not get general admission tickets so that it costs less?

And then there was the race.... The hometown hero, Patrick Carpentier, had the pole. For the most part there wasn't a whole lot of excitement. Round and round the track they went. I'm sure that some of the drivers weren't so happy with the course. God forbid they have to do a right hand turn. But near the end... that was when it got good. There was a crash that involved a number of cars, including the leaders. While they were under caution Marcos Ambrose touched Robby Gordon and spun him. Then it got ugly. Nascar ruled that Gordon was in 18th place and he disagreed and refused to move. He was blackflagged (ordered to come off the racerack) but disobeyed that as well. And when it did go back to green flag he intentionally took out Marcos Ambrose who had been in the lead. So with both of them out it led to Kevin Harvick winning the race. But as Kevin Harvick did his victory burnout so did Robby Gordon. Gordon ended up being benched from the race the next day, fined $35,000 and on probation for the remainder of the year. Nascar at it's best and worst.

The rest is pretty much history. From the race we went back to the Restaurant au Foyer Rouge where I got to have my steak again. Had an enlightening conversation with the waiter which I may blog about another day. I ended up with burn on top of burn which was quite painful. I did have a shower that night but it gave me no comfort and I didn't sleep. And the next day it was back home again. I had a fantastic time and would love to do it again! As the saying goes in Nascar, "Rubbing is racing."

For All You Dieters Out There

Anyone that has ever been on a diet knows that it takes willpower and determination. The assumption is that sugar is off-limits but really in order to engage in any real executive brain functioning you need a steady supply of the mind's preferred energy source.

Nutritionist Jeannie Moloo said to focus on foods rich in lean protein and complex carbohydrates. Since they are metabolized at a steady rate it leads to stable blood-sugar levels. Some suggestions given include low-fat yogurt, fresh strawberries, fish, grilled chicken and vegetables with a hummus dip.

Timing is everything. Instead of eating 3 meals a day, eat every 3-4 hours. If you know that you are about to be facing a stressful situation have a healthy snack beforehand. This way the brain's supply of glucose does not get depleted.

I'm sure a few of you are wondering why on earth I am giving suggestions for dieting.... followed closely by wondering if I have an eating disorder. *lol* I came across an article in Psychology Today a couple of months ago on the subject and thought it was a good article. As someone who is hypoglycemic I can attest to the role that blood sugar plays in everyday life and critical thinking. Now I can't speak for how well it does for dieting since I would actually like to gain weight but from a psychological point of view it makes a lot of sense. Like they say it's not about lean cuisine but about keen cuisine.

Maybe I Should Move South

This is an update to my last post. I think I now understand the brain drain and the number of Canadians heading to the US for work. In the Scientific American article it stated that the average income for someone with a bachelor's degree is $67,495. That is more than double what I earned last year. So maybe I should be looking not only at a change in jobs but also a change in scenery... I had been looking for jobs in Ontario but maybe I should be expanding that search. I'm all for a tropical environment.

Purple & Proud

I was reading the August edition of Scientific American Mind today. There were some interesting articles in it. For anyone involved in leadership I recommend that they check out this article on leadership. Another interesting article was on the rate of dropouts in post-secondary education in the US. Graduation rates are about 40% for public institutions and 57% for private institutions. Having said that 60% of the jobs in the US requires post secondary education. So the question is.... why do so many people drop out?

According to the article, "Whether a person stays in college can depend on how well she [he] socially integrates into the college community... Students who socially assimilate are generally those whose values, cultural background and academic interests match those of the college they have chosen."

I still remember the first time I laid eyes on the campus for the University of Western Ontario. I immediately felt at home. I was still in high school at the time and was visiting my sister. Even just looking at the architecture and landscaping made me want to go there. And so I did. I went to Huron University College, a smaller college within the university. The smaller colleges allow for smaller classes, more interaction with the professors, but still being able to take classes and interact with a large school. I identified greatly with the school and the beliefs found at the school. I wore the school colours with pride. I still wear the school colours with pride. It wasn't all that long ago I found myself purchasing clothing for Huron University College since it was the first time I had seen them available, even though I graduated 5 years ago. I still long for the leather jacket with a Mustang on it. Each fall I feel a twinge of nostalgia and think of homecoming. The thought of dropping out never even crossed my mind.... probably because I had such a strong identification with my alma matter.

Contrast that to my time at Trent. Unlike my time at Huron I hated it there. I did not feel like I fit in with the community. I wasn't enough of a tree-hugger. I also wasn't a stoner. For whatever reason, I always felt like I was on the outside. Being a smaller school then UWO I also didn't feel like there were as many choices in classes. At Western I got spoiled with my classes on young offenders, thanatology and especially the ones on media studies. With the disconnection it was a struggle to go to class and be motivated there. I was also working full time. When I got sick it made for a great excuse to drop out of school and leave the degree unfinished.

You can also contrast transportation. In London the buses typically run every 15 minutes, except on a few routes. It is pretty easy to get around. For the first 3 years I was able to walk to and from campus if I did not want to wait for the bus. There were buses between the colleges and extra buses on certain routes to ease the congestion. Transportation was great! In Peterborough it's a nightmare. It runs every 30 minutes and is rarely on time. The university is on the ouskirts of town so if you're relying on public transportation you are hoping to be there on time. It's a gamble. And since it's so far away you have to leave long before the classes start.

Even the cities are different and have a different atmosphere. London, ON is a big city but it still feels like a small town. It is the forest city. In spite of it being a big city I always felt safe walking home. Here in Peterborough I can't say the same thing. It's a small town but in spite of that fact I was always reluctant when walking home from work at night.

Community... Integration... Acceptance... Branding.. Even the school you go to is a brand. Either you buy into it and will graduate or you don't and are more likely to drop out and pursue life elsewhere. Reasons why it is so important to check out the college before you attend to get a sense of life there. As for me, "Go 'Stangs go!"

The Easy Road

As of late I find myself questioning decisions that have been made.... It seems like this is a war of attrition. I wish I could go into detail but seeing as this is a public forum and there are certain people I do not wish to find out.... silence is key... for a little while any ways. As of late there have also been people that I thought I could count on that I'm not so sure about any more. They (and this obviously isn't everyone) have suggested that I give up and take the easy road. For those that have known me for a long time have you ever known me to take the easy road simply because it was easy?

I'm not going to lie and say that it is easy. I'm also not going to say that it's not lonely. No one else can fight this battle for me. It's not just about me though. If it can happen to me it can happen to others. It's a fight for truth, justice and integrity. At the end of it all I have no idea what will happen. I would like to think that the truth will prevail.

I also had someone tell me that my conscious wouldn't let me give up and walk away. They seemed to believe that I would not be able to sleep at night. Let me tell you I would sleep just fine. I have done everything in my power thus far. It's not really up to me any more. Even if I did give up I would still be at peace with the decision. It's gone this far I am not about to just walk away.

Quote: It is easier to find a score of men wise enough to discover the truth than to find one intrepid enough, in the face of opposition, to stand up for it.
Author: A. A. Hodge

The Convenience Factor

Today was a sad day. I discovered that the Facebook exporter from iPhoto does not work with the new version of iPhoto. Talk about convenience. I could take an entire album and then just select Facebook in the options and voila. Simplicity and ease of use. Isn't that what Apple is known for? Of course it was all this exact ease of use that got me fired from my job. Now that I have been fired and don't need to worry about it I love the FaceBook exporter plug-in. I hope they fix it soon.

In other FaceBook news I had been giving some thought to un-registering but I just couldn't do it. I still have gifts to give that I paid for. Plus I think there are some benefits to the site... like being able to post virtually all of my pictures. But other then that I have no real use for the site.

So it's not that I am in hiding.... I just check the main page periodically for updates and then wander off again. The more applications that are added the less I enjoy my time there. Getting fired after posting a picture on Facebook probably doesn't help that one either. Guess I am not one of the ones who are addicted to Facebook.

Extra, Extra Crispy

My back no longer looks like I belong in the local burn unit of the hospital which is a good thing. The main reason for my absence on here is that I was rediscovering just how painful a sunburn can be. With the trip to Montreal I came back crispy fried. On the Friday we were under a high humidity warning and after 7 hours in the sun my back was burnt. Since I was already burned the next day I was back out there without sunscreen and in shorts no less. Not the smartest decision. Burn on top of burn. I barely slept that night and have been in agony ever since. It took almost a week before it even started to peel at which point I looked like I belonged in the hospital. I also discovered that burning your kneecaps is incredibly painful. I would stand up and feel sharp pain, even thought my knees were going to buckle. It's been a week and a half now and my knees still hurt. I am getting a little frustrated. I want things to be back to normal and I want to be pain free... well as pain free as I ever am any ways.

Adult Content

Mingle² - Indianapolis Singles

This rating was determined based on the presence of the following words:

• pain (10x)
• drugs (4x)
• dead (3x)
• hurt (2x)
• ass (1x)

Cat Scratches

Today I was rediscovering love and pain. Azraels nails are getting long and he keeps getting them caught. So I decided to try and clip them. It's been quite the experience. He was fighting me and I have the scars to prove it. I tried wrapping him in a blanket and that helped a little. Meant he had less to work with. But he still made it difficult to clip his nails. So right now we've got one paw done and I am heading to bed since it is going to be a long day tomorrow and in less then 8 hours my alarm will be going off.

Gentleman Start Your Engines

Just practising for Saturday when I'll be at the Busch race in Montreal. I'm leaving tomorrow morning at 10 and will be returning back on Sunday. From the look of it we are going to have some nice weather. It's going to be hot and humid but nice nonetheless. Now there are 3 races: The Grand-Am Rolex series, the Nascar Canadian Tire Series race and the Busch series race so it's going to be a full weekend. And hey if I get bored there is always the casino since it is located on the racetrack. I'm already excited about it. Going to be a long drive... maybe I can get some shut eye... Nah probably not. And sadly I am taking the MacBook Pro with me. They have wireless internet in the hotel that I can make use of and if nothing else I can use it as a DVD player. Plus there is a pool and hot tub in the hotel. I'm all set. And now.... "Gentleman, start your engines!"

Newest Addiction

While I was without my computer I finally got bored and decided to install Hoyle Card Games on the system. When I got the MacBook Pro back I was missing my card games. I got Masque's Card Game Trio but it just wasn't the same. I ended up installing Parallels and a copy of Window just for my mindless entertainment. Talk about addicted. *lol*

The Wonderful World of Troubleshooting

So after being without a working computer... or at least working Mac (which sometimes is the same thing) for 8 weeks I received the new computer. It was delivered to the superintendent since I missed the buzzer. It's really too bad that you can't arrange for a delivery in the afternoon. So I get everything installed and then restarted my computer. Low and behold the USB devices weren't being recognized. I think my heart stopped at that point. So I erase the drive and start troubleshooting it. Troubleshooting really does require a lot of patience and an analytical mind. But my time at work came in handy. It was frustrating because it took so long. I think I spent 9 hours troubleshooting and erased the external drive and the internal drive a few more times in the process. In the end it was an issue with the external drive I was using. Just a weird issue... Fortunately I was using an enclosure so I could swap out the external drive and now it all seems to be working fine. I have come to the conclusion that I hate serial ATA drives. I have had nothing but problems with them. In the PC I have had to replace 2 serial drives and this is now the third drive to have issues. But I am happy to have a working computer again. I've missed my MacBook Pro. Now I just have to talk sweetly to it so that it works properly.

Voodoo in Popular Culture

Without even trying I keep running into stories on voodoo in the media. Not only is Disney coming out with a movie surrounding New Orleans in which 2 characters practice voodoo but Nicolas Cage and his son have created a comic book called "Voodoo Child" which was unveiled at Comic Con. I so have to get me a copy of that. Something tells me that I won't be able to find it locally since it's being produced by Virgin. I'm still going to wander into Chapters to see. But if not there is always eBay. It will cost me around $6-$10 but well worth it I think.