"All the Small Things"

Ever notice that it's usually the small decisions we make that end up shaping your life? I always thought that it would be the big choices. When I went to university I was concerned with where I was going to go to school... what I was going to major in... etc. I figured that was going to shape my career. Yep, I was wrong. Not to say I regret it. I needed it for my own healing if nothing else. But it definitely hasn't shaped my future. I work in a call center as a performance coach. Sure, the background in psychology does help me out but I don't think I'd be worse off without it.

I moved to Peterborough because I was homeless and did not have many options. I always thought I'd be moving back to London... 3.5 years later I am still here. But I have noticed that it seems to be those decisions that I think are inconsequential that end up shaping my identity, and in some cases leaving scars.

2 years ago I went to Lori's for Christmas. I didn't have anyone to spend it with and she took me in. Adam stopped by on his way home and this is where we met. I was actually dating someone else at the time... but any ways. We ended up dating for over a year. While we may not be together any longer I learned a lot and part of me will always care deeply for him. What if I hadn't gone to Lori's that day? We'll never know.

More recently there was the night I went out for a coworkers birthday. That is definitely one night I would like to take back. At the time it was a small decision. I invited a friend to spend the night so he wouldn't lose his job and would make it to work the next day. Then he went off to the strippers and I met Tristan, one of the new guys from work. Another small thing... I bought him a drink... and then we spent the rest of the night talking. But I had made arrangements for someone else to stay here so I went home alone. That was my biggest mistake of the night. Well that and being as intoxicated as I was. The friend showed up... looking to get laid. I ended up stopping him but he decided that wasn't going to be the case. So at 6:00 a.m. I was on my way to the police station. A series of small decisions had led to a day spent between the cop shop and the hospital... and criminal charges. I never thought it would shape my life as much as it has. Paranoia at work... images haunting me... an impending court case... and friends divided. It's a big community at work and we both work there and have friends there.

Since I really don't want to end with a negative example... Back in February Adam and I broke up. It was rough since we were living together. I had a breakdown at work one day. At the same time I was applying for performance coach. They asked me if I still wanted to go through the interview. At that point I was doubting a lot of things and almost turned it down. After all I had been up for the position twice and didn't get it. But I decided to go for it any ways. This was what I wanted. And I ended up getting it. Turned out to be the best decision and I haven't regretted it once.

That isn't to say you should second guess every decision that you make... but if you look back on your life how much of your life has been shaped by what seemed like a small decision at the time?

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