The Easy Road

As of late I find myself questioning decisions that have been made.... It seems like this is a war of attrition. I wish I could go into detail but seeing as this is a public forum and there are certain people I do not wish to find out.... silence is key... for a little while any ways. As of late there have also been people that I thought I could count on that I'm not so sure about any more. They (and this obviously isn't everyone) have suggested that I give up and take the easy road. For those that have known me for a long time have you ever known me to take the easy road simply because it was easy?

I'm not going to lie and say that it is easy. I'm also not going to say that it's not lonely. No one else can fight this battle for me. It's not just about me though. If it can happen to me it can happen to others. It's a fight for truth, justice and integrity. At the end of it all I have no idea what will happen. I would like to think that the truth will prevail.

I also had someone tell me that my conscious wouldn't let me give up and walk away. They seemed to believe that I would not be able to sleep at night. Let me tell you I would sleep just fine. I have done everything in my power thus far. It's not really up to me any more. Even if I did give up I would still be at peace with the decision. It's gone this far I am not about to just walk away.

Quote: It is easier to find a score of men wise enough to discover the truth than to find one intrepid enough, in the face of opposition, to stand up for it.
Author: A. A. Hodge

Just When You Thought it Couldn't Get Worse

Ever notice that when you think that things couldn't possibly get any worse they do?  I won't go into details since this is a public blog... but let's just say I am currently reminded of high school and not in a good way.  I really don't feel like dealing with this shit at the moment.  All I want to do is bury my hand in the sand like an ostrich... or even become a turtle and withdraw into my protective shell.  Wake me about the middle of next week when things might have resolved themselves.

Do I Stay or Do I Go?

Ever since I was fired I have been faced with a number of decisions.... We all make hundreds of decisions a day so that is not a big deal. But some of them are big decisions and require a great deal of thought.

The first decision is whether or not to stay in Peterborough. I've never been crazy about this city. I only moved here because I was homeless and needed somewhere to live. Maybe it is time to move on.

PROS

• I already live here
  
• Relocating is not cheap
• I have friends in the area
• More time consuming to look or jobs in other areas
  

CONS

• Smaller job market
• It's Peterborough
• Apartment rentals are more expensive here then elsewhere
  

The second decision that I have to make is whether or not to return to school in September. If I get turned down for EI then this decision will already be made for me. But otherwise I am considering trying to get EI to help pay for retraining so I can get my Master of Arts in Counselling Psychology.

PROS

• Finally get my masters
• Would only take 20 months
• Would not have to move to complete the course since it is all online
• Can still work full time
  
• Higher income upon completion
• Networking during the practicum
• EI will pay at least part of the costs... so it would hopefully not increase my student loans
  

CONS

• Still have to pay part of the costs to show commitment
• Not including the cost of books it costs $20,000
  
• Need two references and since I was fired from my last job I will likely not be able to get one from there, as much as my manager might have liked me
• Would prolong my ability to apply for debt reduction with my student loan although with the run around I get there I likely won't qualify any ways

Another big decision is probably the toughest. Do I want to pursue just another day job or wait for one that could actually be a career? I already know that I don't want to go to another call centre but there are other jobs that I would not necessarily enjoy (i.e. administrative assistance) but would pay the bills. This time the pros are for waiting for a career

PROS

• More focused job search
• Would be going to job that I actually wanted to go to
• Not caught in the same trap that I was in before
• Can spend the time on healing and just enjoying life again

CONS

• $$$
• Medical Benefits
• Time

The last decision ties in with the one above. Do I want to work for someone else or do I want to eventually end up working for myself. I am scared of taking a chance and risking it all to be an entrepeneur but there are certain advantages. It would give me a chance to pursue a job as a coach.

PROS

• Make your own schedule
• Choose your own clients
• I love being a coach
• Work for yourself
• Only you limit yourself
• Up and coming job field
  

CONS

• Takes time to build up clients
• Costs money
• I know nothing about business and the legal side of things
  

Only two of them are really difficult choices. The decision to relocate really comes down to the job and the situation. If it pays enough and is a job that I want to move for then it's an easy decision. Friends can always visit me elsewhere and aside from the initial cost of relocating it is cheaper to live in other cities. As far as school goes if I can make it happen it's a great opportunity. I highly doubt that I would qualify for debt reduction any ways so that is just a minor consideration. The big one is the job hunt and the decisions to be made there. Obviously I don't enjoy being unemployed and broke. But I don't necessarily want to get a job just for the sake of having a job and a steady income. I already made that mistake. Decisions decisions... Can I have some easier decisions please?

Friends, Foes & Family

This week has brought with it people from all three categories. There are certain people that I enjoy talking to and it has been great to hear from them. They keep me focused and are a positive force. We all need these people. They recharge our batteries instead of draining them.

But it has also been a week of foes. There are also people that I don't even want to talk to or think about. Talk about negative energy. One person in particular is a hindrance even though they see themselves as helpful. This person always has to share their opinion and two cents but it's not about what is best for you... It's what benefits them.

Today it was all about family. Mom called and invited me out to my aunt's. My cousin Mark was going to be there before heading out to Singapore. I hadn't seen him since I left London and I hadn't seen my aunt in a long time either. Part of me was dreading it.... If it wasn't for Mark I highly doubt that I would've gone. When mom picked me up I was quickly debating my decision. But it turned out to be a nice visit, for the most part. Mom and I are always going to have a rocky relationship. Family is still important and it was good to spend some time with them.

Wonders What to Do

I am currently pondering what to do... and not just for the day... but rather I am thinking about my future. I do feel like I am in a great position at the moment. I am free to do whatever I want. In some ways that makes it more difficult. Way too many choices.

I could stay here in Peterborough and try and get something. Recently I applied for a job as an addictions counsellor and one as an employment counsellor. The second one has the most appeal to me. I am starting to see a few jobs that would appeal to me.... but being a small town there aren't as many. And I have never liked Peterborough. I'm not sure what it is but I hated this town when I moved here and I can't say that my feelings have changed all that much. I can count the number of people I like on one hand. The cost of living is high... the crime rate is high... the jobs are all typically low wage....

I could move to Belleville (or Trenton). From the look of it I can rent a two bedroom apartment for the the same price as my current apartment. How sad is that? The drawback there is that I am not sure I really want to go back to another call centre. There is a posting right now for Operations Supervisor and from what I can tell it would be a step up from where I was and be a wise idea if I wanted to pursue a management position at a call centre. But again... is that really what I want to do? Seems to me I would be heading right back into the fire.

Something I have been giving more thought to as of late is moving back to London, ON. Just today I saw that it was rated as the 8th best place in Canada to live. I always did like London. And since it is a bigger city there are more job opportunities. I just saw a job posting there for employment counsellor as well. Plus there were jobs at the University, the hospital, and elsewhere. Again, the price of apartments there are cheaper. I even saw one for a building near where I used to live where they are offering either a free 27" TV, MP3 player (but not an iPod) or 5.1 Megapixel Sony digital camera PLUS if you move in on or before August 1 they are giving you a month's rent free.

There is also the option of relocating elsewhere... somewhere other then Ontario. That one obviously has more challenges, especially if the relocation involves moving to another country. Wonder if I can avoid my loan that way? *lol* Just kidding... But it is an option.

I have no idea what to do... I keep weighing my options and the pros and cons but I'm not sure what the best idea is. Any thoughts or advice are definitely welcome. Or maybe I should just roll a dice and see what happens *lol*

What to Do... What to Do...

It might only be January but I am already thinking about what to do when my lease expires. I really hate the thought of moving again. I HATE moving... Looking for a place... paying first and last.... signing yet another lease.... packing and then moving. Every step of that I despise. And as far as the layout goes I love my current apartment. It's pretty spacious. For as much as it might be a ghetto building it's actually not that noisy. And I am far enough away from work.

The downside is obvious... the building management. I used to work as a rental agent and as soon as the maintenance request went in the work got done. If necessary a note was left for the tenant indicating they would be coming in to do the repair. 24 hour notice was always given and they never bounced a cheque trying to cash it before the 1st of the month. I don't think I have ever had a worse superintendent in my life.

Seems to abound in Peterborough though. The housing in Peterborough is notoriously bad. You're lucky if you can get a hold of the building management when needed. Superintendents are a dime a dozen and don't always get the job done in a timely manner. But they can also get away with it since the vacancy rates are low. There is a housing shortage here. You wait like a decade for subsidized housing... apartments can charge whatever they want.... I'm back to being reminded as to why I hate Peterborough. I really can't find all that much to say that's good about this city and this area.

The Year Defined

Ever noticed a trend that seems to appear all year? Or something (maybe even a single event) that defines a year...

2002 was defined by school. It was the year I graduated from Western with my degree in psychology. Something I had my doubts about. There were certainly times when I did not think it was ever going to happen. But I did it. I graduated and got my BA (Hons.) I had a lot to be proud of. It wasn't all rosy since I did not have a job when I left school. But 7 months later I had a full time job that I have been at ever since.

2003 was defined by health. I had pneumonia, bronchitis 4x and then eventually the flu. I missed a lot of time at work as a result. The flu ended up defining a lot of things later on and shaped my life more then I ever thought it would. After all I am still fatigued. I may not be getting sick constantly like I was... but I am not 100%. All I want to do is sleep. Doctors don't seem to take that seriously either. I think because it takes a lot more work to identfy the underlying causes.

2004 was about decisions. I made the decision to drop out of school and just work full time. I also made the decision to move in with Adam. Both of those were big decisions. And I still wonder if they were the right decisions. Now I have my student loans to pay for and didn't finish that degree. I was more relaxed when in school and had less stress in my life. As for Adam the relationship ended... so was it the right decision to move in? I'll never know.

2005 can be defined by relationships. Unfortunately, it was not a good year for them. There was the ending of my relationship with Adam and everything that went with that. My stalker took a renewed interest in me. I was raped by a coworker that I was considering a relationship with. And then there was the relationship with Tristan. He still owes me money... and my health and well being were threatened by the people he owed money to.

So far I would have to say that 2006 has been defined by finances. It started with my LOA. 7 weeks off work with no income. Needless to say it was a long, tough period. By the time I got money I was back to work. Shortly after I went back to work my battle with the student loan center began and has not ended. There has been no resolution there. Just more frustration.... stress... and being stretched to the limits. Despite what they seem to think there is no way to get blood from a stone.

Even though 2006 isn't quite over... I am already wondering what 2007 will bring with it. What will be the theme that defines the year?

How Did We Get Here?

I was thinking about this post and then was reminded of the song "Hallowe'en" from Rent. Even the title seems to be poetic... But here are the lyrics for it

Hallowe'en
Mark Cohen

How did we get here?
How the hell..pan left--close on the steeple of the church. How did I get here, how the hell?
Christmas! Christmas eve, last year. I could a night so frozen be so scalding hot? How can a morning this mild be so raw?
Why are entire years strewn on the cutting room floor of memory as single frames of one magic night forever flicker in close up on the 3-D Imax of my mind. Thats poetic- thats pathetic.
Why did Mimi knock on Roger's door? and Collins choose that phone booth back where Angel
set up his drums. Why did Maureen's equiptment break down? Why am I the witness and when I capture it on film does it mean that its the end and I'm alone.

How did I get to this place? It's never the big decisions that end up changing your life... or at least they don't seem like big decisions at the time. Obviously it's a combination of factors and decisions. Me turning into a recluse is definitely related to a number of events... some small.. some huge. Money is obviously a big factor. But even beyond that... 3 years ago I had the flu and I'm not sure I ever really recovered from that. I was so sick I dropped to 70 pounds. It was after that I really started to battle the fatigue. Fatigue that stopped me from wanting to go out. I just wanted to sleep. Being sick also led to the decision to drop out of school and just work full time. I suppose I could say that was the turning point.

After that I was so tired that people started seeing me as anti-social... and then my relationship with Adam ended. Having your stalker as a roommate tends to create problems for your social life as well. I didn't want to go out because I was scared he would follow me out... or would take advantage of the intoxication. Being a victim of sexual assault also plays a role in that. It's safer to hide and be alone. There are no risks in that... And no one can hurt you.

I remember a time when I was social... out on the town every weekend. It was the one luxury I gave myself to keep myself sane. But now it's a far cry from that. I go to work... and I go home... And that's about it for my life. I can't even remember the last time I allowed myself a night on the time. Not that I can afford to at the moment... but I can't remember the last time I went out. I mean I've gone to Tammy's... and I went out to dinner with Pat. But that was it. The last time I went to the bar was almost a year ago when I was at the Christmas party for work.

I wish I wasn't so tired all the time. I really should go back to the doctor about that. It's not normal to be this tired. I can't pinpoint one event... Is it just stress induced? Is it from the flu? Is it PTSD? Is it fear? What has led to this point? Ultimately, it leads to the question, "Why?" Why did this happen? Could I have done anything differently? Lastly, how do I change things?