Absurdity of it All

I was talking to Adam last night and he made an excellent point. With everything else that is going on why pick a fight over stying in a hotel room? At the end of the day it really doesn't matter. It shouldn't even be an issue. I'm 27 and it's my choice if I head up on Thursday night. In the grand scheme of things it's a non event. Who the fuck cares what decision I make? To even debate it doesn't even make sense. I still have to face the unknown and the reality that I could have just about anything, from a vitamin B12 deficiency to leukemia. I don't believe it's serious but I still have to prepare myself for it. So an argument over spending $100 to stay in a motel to make things easier is absurd. And it's sad. It's sad because energy was wasted on this argument. It's sad because all it did was cause more pain. And it's sad because it caused the relationship to be even more strained. So the next time you want to argue over something small and trivial... stop and think about it. Ask yourself if at the end of the day it is a big enough issue to argue about. If not... then just let it go.

38 Days

That's how long I have been without nicotine. Some people have been really supportive. Some people also choose not to smoke around me. But there is still one person that chain smokes around me and then says to let them know if I want them to stop. I'm a doormat so I don't want to oice my opinion. I also figure I don't want to wind up fighting with him over it. Overall it doesn't bother me but it doesn't help me either since it just reminds me... and with the current stress I am not sure I like the reminder. Plus I am inhaling the second hand smoke which is even worse. Hell at that point I might as well just have a smoke. I don't think it's the smoking that bothers me... I think it's just him.

They say you are supposed to celebrate each milestone... the first day...the first week... the first month... etc. So far I haven't done any of that. Usually I am too busy watching the days go by with work. Plus I never seem to have money to celebrate with. Hmm... what can I do to celebrate me quitting smoking?

Friday

So 4 days until I go see the hematologist... Tomorrow I am off, Wednesday I am working days, Thursday I am working nights and then I have to be at the doctor's Friday morning at 9:00 a.m. I am still weighing my options and still don't like either choice. My big concern is that if I drive up Friday morning I will be too tired to go to work and will call in sick. I would get paid for the day since I have sick days to use but would lose the holiday pay for July 1. So it would end up costing me more then staying in a hotel would. But, if I go up the night before then it will turn out to be a costly trip... If it wasn't the pay cheque where I have to pay rent it wouldn't be such a big deal. But after rent there isn't a whole lot left for other things. Even my team manager is recommending that I go up there the night before. Guess she doesn't want me to be cranky at work. Can't say I blame her... I can only imagine what I'll be like on so little sleep and trying to work for 8.5 hours. Why can't there be a third option? Better quetion... why can't the appointment be a little later in the day?

Sigh of Relief

I've decided I hate running errands... especially on my day off. I never seem to get to relax and enjoy the day. I had to go pick up the mail and then on a Coke run, time to stock up. Off to the bank and then I had to actually pay bills. Lastly I had to go to UPS to pick up a package. Even after I got home the jobs didn't stop. I had to order a backpack for carrying the MacBook Pro in. I was a little sick of killing my back every time I had to walk home. Then I had to leave agan to go grocery shopping. Got home again and had to do laundry. So I feel like I have been running all day. The good news is that I don't have anything I need to do tomorrow so I can actually relax.

I also got to breathe a sigh of relief. I called the student loan center since I hadn't received my application for interest relief and would have to pay the loan in a few days. With everything else that is going on I really don't have the money for it. As it turns out they didn't even send the form. So they are faxing me the form tomorrow. Either way they are not taking the payment. 48 hours after the application gets there it should be on my file. Then I called the Royal bank and they delayed the payment for me. Finally some good news!

Irritated

Today was one of those days... I'm not sure if it was because I was finishing up a six day stretch and was just really tired... I really haven't been sleeping well. But I was really irritated by the end of the day. Of course, starting the morning at 8:30 with Steve here thinking I was on a day shift really set the tone for the day and the bad mood continued. I'm thinking it was just because it was long stretch at work. There were a few times I just wanted to be left alone so that I could get my work done... Instead I always have people asking questions or stopping to talk. And then there were the calls. I just wanted to go home. The hour and a half call really did not help. It was either being back on night shifts or the end of the long stretch. By the time my shift ended today I was normally relaxing on the couch. But then I was also able to sleep in today. I've been home for a little over an hour and I am still annoyed.

Thoughts of the errands I have to run tomorrow don't make it any easier. I have to call the student loan center and fight with them again. I hate dealing with them and the bank. That thought always puts me in a bad mood. Then I have to get them to either fax the forms to work for me or send them again. Sigh. Plus I have to go pick up the mail again. That's always a pain. Then I have to go to UPS and pick up a package. Oh yeah and the bank. I hate errands... and more importantly... I hate dealing with my student loan.

The only good news is that I have the next two days off and am going to try and rest. Easier said then done since all I want to do is hide from the world and not see anyone. No errands... just watching TV and trying to reduce the amount of stress in my life so that when I go back to work I am not still feeling frustrated and stressed out.

Shut Up Already!!!

Don't worry I am not referring to the people who are currently reading this. That seemed to be the longest drive home from work. It was brutal. Steve was driving 35... 35??? No one I know drives that slow. He wanted to do something tonight. Hmm.. not high on my priority list. And he would not shut up. I have said before that I am not one for small talk. And I really don't care how many people he owes... or what he is going to do with his storage units. I just want to go home and unwind... not hear about more useless shit. Silence... that was all I wanted.

Six Feet Under

I've been sitting around with the entire series of Six Feet Under for quite some time now. I keep telling myself I am going to watch it and never do. I had seen seasons 1 and 2 but since there are 5 seasons I was a little behind. Pat borrowed the end of it... which inspired me to start watching the rest of them. So it's been a week long marathon with at least 1 episode per evening. I'm already done season 3... on to season 4

Silence

First of all, I want to say that work today was not a good day. The calls were fine but I had to log multiple cases for each call. I was still logging them when I started my coaching time. It was about a half hour later when I finished that. Then it was time for lunch. Then I could actually start listening to calls. I've really been struggling with that this week... just with other things that I needed to do. I was able to get 4 done today but I was also there an hour late. 3 of them were on brand new agents... who still have the deer in the headlights look. 2 of them were decent calls but the calls tend to take longer then senior agents, and so does the coaching. So right now I still have to listen to 7 agents in the next two days and have a meeting tomorrow as well. Normally that wouldn't be difficult... but this week it seems to be. The last call I listened to today was over an hour long and was a brutal call. I couldn't even coach him because he ended up taking another call and then said he had dinner plans so he left. So that was my day at work.

I am beginning to think that I should just kep isolating myself and not talk to anyone. The silence is sounding better and better. I got home and felt obligated to call mom and tell her that I did have to go see the hematologist. I should really resist that impulse. I made the mistake of telling her that I was considering going up the night before. Well that became a battle. She seemed to think I should just get up at 5:30 or so and head to Scarborough and then be dead tired for work. Let's say I did try that... If I ended up calling in sick I would lose $224 since it would be a day off, and I would not get the holiday pay. And I still think I would be more relaxed going up the night before. Last time I checked I was old enough to make my decisions, good, bad or otherwise. Even when I said I was not going to discuss it she couldn't let go. Then started saying "Good luck with all your endevours." It actually sounded like she was never going to talk to me again. I'm already under enough stress. I don't need this shit.

Dilemma

Right now I have a bit of a dilemma. My appointment with the hematologist is at 9:00 a.m. next Friday in Scarborough. So as it stands now I would be working until 9:30 the night before and then would have to get up at 6 in the morning to make it there on time. Then come back and work my shift. Something tells me that is not a good option. The alternative is to drive up there the night before so I can get some sleep and not be really bitter by the time I make it to work. There are 2 problems with this thought though. Hotels are not cheap and I'm not sure I have the money to spend on it. The other problem is that I do not want to be sharing a room with SS overnight. Believe me... that is not appealing. Decisions, decisions... It would make life easier to drive up there the night before but it's about $150... and then there is SS. So unless I can find another ride, in which case it's a no-brainer.

Anger Issues

Christie was coming around telling people what their incentives will be... Mine was decent but, of course, I did miss 7 weeks. So that reminded me that I still hadn't received my annual review yet. Christie dared me to email Chris about it... I'm not sure I want to. There are still some unresolved anger issues there.... and I don't want to end up on disciplinary action for not being able to keep my mouth shut. It's been almost 6 months since I was her performance coach so, to me, the did wells and what to do differently isn't even relevant any more. And I can only imagine what she would have to say.

This also got me thinking about the 3 months before my LOA. If I worked at 1:00 I would crawl out of bed around 12:30. Not that a whole lot has changed but I really had difficulty getting out of bed. All I wanted to do was get more sleep. My days off I would sleep for 12-14 hours, which I still do now. I wasn't even functioning any more. I was actually losing my cognitive abilities which scared me. I couldn't think and words just weren't coming to me. For someone that spends a great deal of time thinking that was pretty terrifying. And whenever I said I was tired I got the standard line, "Don't use being tired as an excuse." I wasn't... it was an honest answer. If you said something to me it would either be scrambled in my brain and I couldn't comprehend it or it would go in one ear and out the other. I was in rough shape. And even when I was home I was rarely resting... since I had quizzes to do and other things as well. So it was a losing battle and I was being told it was just an excuse.

Then I snapped and ended up on the LOA. Now the doctor just wanted to say I was depressed so instead of running tests he just sent me to see a psychiatrist. Yeah I definitely have resentment and anger over that one. Had he looked into it and run the blood work he would've discovered what ended up taking another 4 months to learn. So I was just marginalized and no one would listen to me.

But it got better.... Chris basically accused me of lying when I said it was the Fibromylagia. I don't like being accused. I had already agreed to a mild case of depression but I would not accept major depression as the answer. I knew better. That bothered me right from the start. Fortunately, I didn't talk to her the rest of the LOA. Since I took Zoloft for 1 day... that was the extent of treatment for the depression that I supposedly had. Beyond that it was all about the sleep deprivation. If I was going to be depressed now would be a really good time to sink into a depression. Of course, I am on 2 anti-depressants currently... one to quit smoking and one to help me sleep.

So I do have some lingering anger over that whole situation. Now the LOA did some good for me... I finally got some rest and got a family doctor which led to the fact there's a medical basis for the fatigue. Part of me really wants to say, "I told you so" and lash out. But I know that I really shouldn't do that.

I've spent the entire time defending her and standing up for her... looking back I am not sure why. She expected perfection of me and nothing was going to be good enough. A good team manager never would've let it escalate to the point where they considered me a danger to myself and to others. Fuck you... I'm a doormat. I'll never hurt someone else. And, as for the cutting, all they did was give me more of an incentive. But if you want to call it depression... negativity... the whole nine yards... the warning signs were there. It should've been dealt with sooner in my opinion.

The most important thing to me is that work was wrong... Chris was wrong... the doctor was wrong... No one can force me into psychiactric treatment... so how did work get away with it? They blackmailed me into the medication... and the psychiatrist.... so that I could return to work. Had I not taken the initiative to find a real doctor, instead of a quack, I still wouldn't know that my blood count was low.

So am I angry? You bet I am. I was completely disrespected, called a liar, and then had a doctor slap a label on it so that he didn't have to do any work. And to think since it was an EAP consult he got paid a lot of money to say I was depressed. I was blackmailed and I lost money since I wasn't working. Lost 2 weeks pay and then was only making 60% of my wages. My incentive was also lower because of the time off. So, in a nutshell, I got screwed.

The best thing about my return to work... moving to a new team. I am much happier now...more relaxed... quit smoking and haven't tried to kill anyone. I also get a lot more respect over there.

Stress & Fear

I was a little tired when I got up this morning. I had too much on my mind last night and had trouble sleeping. Not a good way to start the day. Took calls like usual and then was given a "special" assignment. Okay so I got it because Pat wasn't in. About halfway through the day I developed a really bad migraine... something I haven't had in a while. Now my back and shoulders had been bugging me for a few days.

Fortunately, I had a chiropractor's appointment right after work. She could tell that it was stemming from the left side of my neck. She seems to think that I am just getting more and more stressed out as time goes by. It's the uncertainty of it all. And the fact that I do have to see the hematologist after all. I think part of me was still hoping that I wouldn't have to... but no such luck.

I think the best words to describe my world... stress and fear. I'm afraid of what the results might be. And it's been over a month since I was at the doctors so I have had plenty of time to dwell on it. There is also stress from my student loan since I never got the forms and have to call and get them resent. Work is also a source of stress. We have to focus so much on meeting the mandate that it's adding a great deal of pressure. Probably not what I need at the moment. I can't help but worry that we won't meet it... and on top of that I know that Pat will be in training 2 days next month, Dave will be on vacation and I am plnning to take some time later in the month as well. Plus, on top of that, I'm not sure when I am going to need some time to go get the bone marrow biopsy done.

For now though my head still hurts... It's lessened but is still there. I hope it's gone by tomorrow!

Denial

I'm really starting to relive Psych 101.... This time it's Freud and his defense mechanisms. Too bad I never liked Freud or agreed with his theories. Psychoanalytic theory was all about the id, ego and superego. Translation: we all have id impulses and can't act on all of them... so we have the ego to control those impulses. We use defense mechanisms to alter or distort those unsconscious desires. One of the many defense mechanisms put forward by psychonalytic theory is denial. In a nutshell denial is the refusal to accept reality.

Right about now I wish I could go back to denial. Denial does make everything a lot easier. It means you can avoid whatever is going on. I spent two years denying anything was wrong... to myself and to others. Can I go back to that? Granted denial also means not taking any responsibility but hey... if it means that I don't have to face the reality that something could be wrong... then I am all for denial.

I still remember the courses I took on thanatology (the study of death)... wish I could've actually made that my minor but any ways... That was kind of hard to do since the only courses I could actually take were those offered in the summer. Any ways.... one of the main points (that has also been applied to other things) came from Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and her book "On Death and Dying". Initially it was about terminal care patients and their road from denial to acceptance. It has also been used in mental illness.

1. Denial: The "No, Not Me" Stage - This stage is filled with disbelief and denial... this can't be happening (Trying to avoid the inevitable)
   
2. Anger/Resentment: The "Why Me" Stage - This stage is filled with anger... anger towards yourself, others, the situation, and anger that it happened to you (Frustrated outpouring of bottled-up emotion)
   
3. Bargaining: The "If I do This, You'll do That" Stage - You try and negotiate to change the situation (I wonder how often God is involved at this stage) (Seeking in vain to find a way out)
   
4. Depression: The "It's Really Happened" Stage - At this point you realize that it isn't going to change... You wonder what is going to happen with life as you knew it (Final realization of the inevitable)
   
5. Acceptance: The "I'm Ready" Stage - You've realized that you can't change things and this is the way it's going to be... and the only thing you can do is move forward (Finally finding the way forward)

As you can see this can be applied to a number of situations... from terminal illness... mental illness... even smaller events that we go through on a daily basis. I'm wondering where I am currently on that road. I'm thinking stage 2... Knowing me I'll skip stage 3 and go straight to the depression... but give me a little while before I hit that point.

Azzie

Okay so I am getting lazy... and Azzie is easier to say then Azrael... I think he has really settled in here. I never thought I'd see the day when I am giving him human qualities. But he does seem to be more relaxed. I think he knows I am happier here... and there is no one else to disturb him. Plus there's no smoke at all. Either way he is quite the content cat... and seems to be the master of the domain. When I am home he will curl up on my lap... or beside me since there is plenty of space on the futon. Azrael is also getting quite big. Now he is 2 years old... the wise adult male... And he is definitely my baby. Gets plenty of love and attention. Some days you'd even think I have children by the amount of toys on the floor. *lol*

Retail Therapy

My only plans for today were to go to IGA and pick up a few things. I really wanted some corn on the cob. Nice plan... and it almost worked. I finished my grocery shopping and then realized that I had lost my sunglasses. So I revisited everywhere that I had stopped... twice... and could not find them. Without them I am prone to migraines... and it looks like I'll be walking home from work this week as well. So I had to replace them.

I did learn something valuable in the process. I learned that it is only about a 15 minute walk to Zellers. That actually gives me more freedom. I don't need a ride down there... so that really just leaves groceries that I can't get on my own. Well that and a few rides to various places.

So I get to Zellers and get a new pair of sunglasses... I was also planning on picking up my refill for Zyban. But first... I went down to Blockbuster to see what the price was on Underworld: Evolution. And then headed over to FutureShop. Apparantly I decided retail therapy was a good thing. $120 later I left FutureShop. Ironically, most of the movies I left with were comedies. People that know me know I don't buy comedies. Then I headed over to Chapters to pick up the new MacAddict. Finally, I went to Shoppers to pick up the prescription. By then I was a bit dehydrated and sore. It was great to get out... enjoy the sunshine... and be active. But that also takes a big toll on me. By the time I got home I didn't even want to cook dinner. Fortunately I was just having corn so it was easy. But I am still prety low on energy. The good news is that I have nothing to do tonight other then rest and watch a movie.

While I was getting my prescription I also picked up a bottle of water. I drank most of it but with the heat it got warm pretty quickly. I was almost home when I decided to dump some of the water over my head. That was nice and refreshing. Since my shoulder was bothering me I also decided to dump some over my shoulder and back. It was a nice thought. Well it did work well... the only problem was that I was wearing a tank top. It went down my back all right... but it also went down my jeans. Good thing I was almost home.

That's the downside to having A/C. I find it nice and cool in here and am usually wearing a sweater. So I tend to forget just how warm it is outside. I did check the weather network before going out... but I don't think even that prepared me for the heat wave when I stepped out the front door.

Hiding

I really think that hiding was the best thing I could've done this weekend. Pretty much just me and my solitude. No added stress... just peace and quiet. No MSN or outgoing calls. I will still answer calls but I am on a hiatus. I really needed it. It's given me a chance to clear my head and just relax. Spent plenty of time with Azrael and I still have one day left before I am back to the insanity of work.

Rheumatologist

Looks like I might be waiting until the appointment with the hematologist to find out what the results of my blood tests actually were. I know they were abnormal but was planning to ask what the numbers actually were. I received a phone call earlier today from his office indicating that I would need to reschedule the appointment since there was a death in the family. So there won't be any news for a couple of weeks on that front. Just more uncertainty.

Drunken Conversations

It's probably not a good idea to call someone when you're drunk. Fortunately, I manage not to pick up the phone but that's not true for everyone. I am still wondering if I should tell Adam what he actually said when he called me.... Since he seems to have no recollection. Or perhaps I should just keep it to myself as part of my own memories and leave it be. I'm not even sure why I was thinking of that since it was a while ago... just one of those random thoughts.

Card System in Soccer

Since I mentioned red cards in my last post I figured I should actually explain what the cards mean in soccer... Or should I say... steal the information from a web site and post it here.

There are 2 colors of "cards" which the referee will hold up to indicate serious fouls or behavior which won't be tolerated. He carries these cards in his shirt pocket, so if he reaches for his pocket it's a bad sign for the player who committed the foul. These cards are about the size of a playing card and one is yellow and the other is red. When a card is to be given (it isn't actually given to the offending player, it is actually just shown to him and to everyone else) the referee will stop the game, call the player over, hold up the card and write the player's name in his notebook. This is called "booking" the player and when it happens the player has been "booked", (e.g., "she was booked"). Any time a Yellow or Red Card is shown, a "direct" or "indirect kick" will also be awarded.

Yellow Card - Indicates a formal "caution" for any of the following 7 offenses:

1. "unsporting behavior" - this includes hard fouls; holding an opponent or deliberately handling the ball for the purpose of preventing an opponent from gaining possession of the ball; faking an injury; saying things that are designed to confuse or distract an opponent; harassment (such as jumping around, shouting or making gestures to intentionally distract an opponent; jumping in front of a corner kick, free kick or throw-in; worrying the goalkeeper or trying to prevent him from putting the ball into play; & adopting a threatening posture), gaining an unfair advantage by leaning on, climbing on the back of, or holding a teammate or the goal; blatant cases of holding and pulling an opposing player or his uniform; any action designed to deceive the Referee; and behavior which in the Referee's judgment is unsporting or causes an unfair advantage,

2. dissent by word or actions,

3. persistently breaking the rules,

4. delaying the restart of play,

5. defenders failing to stay the proper distance away from the kicker on a corner kick or free kick (see" Corner Kick" & "Free Kick"),

6. entering the field without the referee's permission

7. deliberately leaving the field without the referees permission.

A player who receives 2 Yellow Cards is given a Red Card & ejected. FIFA rules do not require a player to leave the field for the first yellow card. However, some leagues' rules do. You must go by your league's rules.

Red Card - A player must be shown a Red Card and "sent off" (i.e., made to leave the field) for the 7 offenses listed below. A player shown a "Red Card" & sent off may not be replaced during that game (i.e., his team must play a player "short" for the rest of the game; however, in some leagues a player may be replaced if he is ejected for receiving a second Yellow Card). The 7 offenses for which a player must be shown a Red Card and sent off are:

1. serious foul play (includes any use of excessive force or brutality against an opponent when challenging for the ball. Examples include a dangerous slide tackle from behind, or an "over the top tackle" in which a player raises his foot so the cleats could hit a player, or a two footed tackle that takes down the opponent. FIFA has broadened this definition by saying that "Any player who lunges at an opponent in challenging for the ball from the front, from the side or from behind using one or both legs, with excessive force and endangering the safety of an opponent is guilty of serious foul play. For current rules visit www.fifa.com, Laws of the Game. The above quote is from Questions and Answers, Additional Instructions for Referees).

2. violent conduct,

3. spitting at anyone,

4. a deliberate hand ball to deny an obvious goal scoring opportunity,

5. fouling an opponent to prevent an obvious goal scoring opportunity (e.g., holding to stop a breakaway),

6. using offensive or threatening language,

7. or receiving a second yellow card in one game.

As a side note a US player just received a red card as well for the slide tackle on an Italian player. So at the end of the first half it is still 1-1 and as the commentor just said "Wonder if it will end with 10 on 10 or if more will be ejected from the game" Guess the answer to that would be 9. As the second half started another US player got a red card.

FIFA World Cup

FIFA's big slogan throughout the World Cup has been that soccer is "The greatest game on earth." I have a great deal of respect for soccer players. Of any team sport that I have watched it is the one where the players have to be the most active. For 45 minutes there is no break in the action. Even the half time isn't that long. Then back for another 45 minutes. And for any time that is spent throwing the ball in, or with an injury that time is added to the clock. Can you imagine what other sports would be like if they demanded the same level of physical activity and did not allow so many breaks? I don't think nearly as many people would take part in those sports. Sometime timed the Superbowl and if you count the amount of time between the snap and the end of the play... in the 3 hours there was something like 5 minutes of actual action. Maybe it's just me but that seems a little insane. Baseball is certainly not the most active sport either. I'm not knocking the other sports... since they all have their purpose and thir fans. I like baseball. And each sport is different. So for the most part you can't really compare soccer to hockey. I will watch most sports although of course I have my favourites. 1. Soccer 2. Beach Volleyball 3. Baseball

I am currently watching Italy take on the USA. Whenever I watch the World Cup I am usually cheering on Brazil and Italy. I do like other teams as well... USA, Argentina, Mexico and Portugal... but Brazil and Italy are my favourites. This is turning out to be a wild game. It really wasn't a surprise that Italy scored first. Shortly after Italy scored again... the only problem was that it was in their own goal. 60 seconds later an Italian player had been given a red card. So he was out of the game and could not be replaced. Should be a good game.

Mail Call

I think I mentioned before that all of my mail was being held at the distribution center due to the fire. Trust me, that is anything but convenient. It's down by FutureShop so basically not near anything really useful. It's not exactly walking distance either. Well I suppose it might be if I was healthy. And, on top of that, they are only open 8 to 5:30 Monday to Friday. Doesn't work with my schedule. No word yet on when we will have mailboxes here again. So I have to rely on someone to drive me down there to pick it up. Not ideal at all.

So after two weeks I finally got someone to drive me down there. I knew I had a package waiting for me. But I still seem to be missing quite a bit of mail. I had 2 bills and that was it. Normally I would get mail quite frequently. Ever since I moved here I get almost none. I was supposed to get something about identity theft from Capital One and ironically never got it. never got their bill either. And I called about my student loan and they were sending out the interest relief forms. I never did get them. So that's another aggravation. Now I have to call the student loan center again and have them resent. I'll have to go down and pick them up somehow. And I'll likely have to call the bank and try and get a hold put on my student loan. Can't anything be simple and straightforward?

Matchbox 20 - Unwell

All day staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something

Hold on
Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown
And I don't know why

[Chorus]

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be...me

I'm talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
And I know, I know they've all been talking about me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow I've lost my mind

[Chorus]

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

I've been talking in my sleep
Pretty soon they'll come to get me
Yeah, they're taking me away

[Chorus]

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

Yeah, how I used to be
How I used to be
Well, I'm just a little unwell
How I used to be
How I used to be
I'm just a little unwell

Happy Friday

Since Christie likes to say "Happy Friday" I thought it was appropriate. I got to work on time. I was really tired and the calls were getting to me. But after 2 hours I was onto my coaching time. I didn't have a whole lot to do so I was finding things to do. Skip ahead to my lunch. My cell phone goes off. I listen to the message and it's the doctors office. They wanted to tell me about the appointment with the hematologist. So I emailed Steve and then talked to him. His response has something to do with going bankrupt. I'm not sure what kind of response he was expecting on that one... It's not like I am better off at the moment. And what he doesn't know... is that he actually owes me $110... not the other way around. So I ignore that comment. I figured I should remind him that I have the appointment on Monday since I was off for three days and wouldn't be talking to him. He sent back a pretty nasty response about the fact I wouldn't be talking to him... and that I didn't show any sympathy to his financial state. It almost became a war right there. I was already stressed and I didn't need a fight about that since I knew it would get ugly. He would talk about paying rent and helping me out... and my response would be "Maybe I could've found a roommate had you not moved in". And I knew I would end up telling him he owes me money and it would cause even more tension. And maybe he should sell off all the shit he doesn't need so he can save the money from the three storage units. So, do I feel sorry for him? Not really... I wrote back and said I didn't know what to say, especially since I am not doing well financially myself. He also asked if I found out about my blood work. The hematologist appointment automatically told me what the results were. Came back low again. And he said something about how I'd think of something to say (in regards to his finances) and that he didn't expect me to pay him anything. I don't expect to either... since my debt has more then been wiped out. I really don't need an email war right now. I was already feeling stressed as it was. I had to actually walk away from my computer.

But getting away from my computer wasn't entirely bad. I went over and spent some time bonding with my agents. We were sharing stories and joking around. I'm sure a few of the comments might have been HR quality but any ways... I really needed that. It was the first time I'd been smiling in a while. Then I was joking around with Pat on the way home. It was a nice way to end the week... aside from the hematologist any ways... but I knew that was coming. So "Happy Friday" everyone!!! :o)

Weekend Plans

Okay so those plans are non existent. I just want to rest and basically hide for the next three days... aside from when I go to the rheumatologists. For the most part I just want to be left alone. Not that I won't talk to people... I just don't want any more sympathy. And I am trying to avoid facing my fear so I am trying not to think about it.

No News Isn't Good News

Looks like I don't have to wait until after I see the rheumatologist to provide an update. The doctor's office called today. I'm not sure who I was talking to... but their sister apparently lived in Peterborough and lived over here in Peterborough. So somehow we ended up discussing the ghetto neighbourhood over here. But they also told me that I have an appointment with the hematologist in a couple of weeks. Somehow I have to get to Scarborough on June 30 for 9:00 a.m. They said it would be a short appointment. Looks like they'll be doing the blood tests for the 4th time as well. And after that will likely come the bone marrow biopsy. It's what I was expecting... not that it makes it any easier. But I am one step closer to an answer.

Criminal Minds

Finally back to watching some Criminal Minds and recording it to my computer. Haven't done any recording since the MacBook was replaced. Once I've got a few episodes I'll probably try some video editing and burning them to a DVD. But at least it's something I find relaxing. At some point I want to make some sound bytes from Criminal Minds, like the profile and the quotes. Might even watch the Ultimate Fighter before I go to bed... or I may just wait until my nice, long 3 day weekend. Time to really unwind. I might even shut myself off from everyone....

Well okay I can't completely shut myself off. I have to go to the rheumatologist again on Monday. He wants to go over my blood work. Before you ask, he has been trying to get ahold of me since before I saw the family doctor. I am not sure if he has the latest blood tests or not.

Azrael has decided that he really wants attention tonight. He's cute and all but it's not helping me record anything. Not that I mind. He is my baby... And I've been neglecting him in the morning. Poor thing. At least he's stopped crying loudly when I go to bed and carrying his bear at the same time. I kept thinking he was injured or something... and he wouldn't let me pet him. He would just bite me. Right now he's curled up on his back staring up at me. Yes he is a cutie. And since he is not helping me write anything time for me to head out and just spend some time with him.

Low Blood Cell Counts

Last post of the day... I promise. Apparently I have too much time on my hands when I'm working days. Or maybe too many idle thoughts. I suppose it could also be avoidance. But these are some of the terms associated with low blood counts.

• Myelosuppression - a decrease in the production of blood cells, which may lead to low blood count.
• Pancytopenia - a lowering of all three types of blood cells; red blood cells, platelets, and white blood cells, which may lead to low red blood cell count, low blood platlet count, and/or low white blood cell count.
• Anemia - a decrease in the number of red blood cells (RBC), which may lead to low red blood count.
• Thrombocytopenia - a decrease in the number of platelets (PLT), which may lead to low blood platlet count.
• Leukopenia - a decrease in the total number of white blood cells (WBC), which may lead to low white blood cell count.
• Neutropenia - a decrease in the number of neutrophils, one type of white blood cell, which may lead to low white blood cell count.
• Granulocytopenia - a decrease in the number of granulocytes, the group of white blood cells that include neutrophils, basophils and eosinophils, which may lead to low white blood cell count.

Can I put my vote in for a deficiency in Vitamin B-12 and Folic Acid? That seems to be one of the only options that isn't serious or life threatening. Fun words like leukemia, lymphoma and aplastic anemia also appear.

Or maybe the game is to pick a door and whatever is behind it is what you get.

What do we have behind door #1? Lymphoma
Behind door #2 is autoimmune disorder
Behind door #3 is a deficiency in Vitamin B-12 and Folic acid
Behind door #4 is a genetic mutant (if so I want some super power)
Behind door #5 we have aplastic anemia
Behind door #6 we have an infection
Lastly behind door #7 we have leukemia

Hmmm.... I really want door #3 or maybe those super powers. Tough choice. Alright I am done rambling for the day. Time to curl up with Azrael for a little while.

Time for a Good Laugh

Maybe it's just me but I am quite entertained by this... and it's not like I just came across one page with this information.

Things Not to Do When You Have a Low Platelet Count

• Avoid activities that increase your risk of bleeding when you have low blood platlet count:
  • Contact sports
  • Amusement park rides that involve fast or quick motion.
  • Strenuous exercise.
  • Avoid or limit the use of sharp objects such as knives, razors.
  • Hold pressure on any cut or scrape for at least 5 minutes.

So now that I have a reason to be absolutely lazy. As for the contact sports overall no problems there. Back to being lazy. I could say something... but I am better off leaving that one alone. No Canada's Wonderland for me. But, the one that gets me, is avoiding or limiting the use of sharp objects. What do you want me to do, make sure I eat finger food? I guess people can rest easier knowing I won't be intentionally cutting myself. I realize that these guidelines (there were others... but they weren't as interesting) are for people with an extremely low platelet count. But I get a good laugh every time I read the part that says I should avoid knives.

Zombie Like State

I am definitely remembering why I started smoking again last time. Between being told that I was quite negative and it was a behavioural issue.... which I was told was going to go to management... and the insomnia... I gave up. I think the possibility of losing my job was a pretty good motivation to start smoking again. I never thought that it would save my job. This time around has definitely been better.... But the insomnia is definitely a factor... and it seems to be getting worse. Waking up hourly is not fun at all! So now I am struggling with hoping it gets better and the possibility that I might get some sleep... It's not an easy thing. When you've been waking up pretty much hourly for the last 3 weeks that's rough... all you want is sleep. "Sleep perchance to dream..." Granted it doesn't help when you're an insomniac to begin with. It really seems to compound it. Mind you, other events in the last month are likely playing a role as well. The same day I quit smoking I found out I was likely going to need a bone marrow biopsy. So that has been weighing on me quite a bit as well. I have heard that after a month the insomnia starts to get better. I sure hope so. Would be kind of sad if the reason I start smoking again has nothing to do with craving nicotine but is because I want a good night's sleep. I am comforted by the fact Amy, who quit at the same time, is going through the exact same thing. Not that I would wish this sleeplessness on anyone but at least I'm not alone. The sleeping pills are not helping. maybe I should go with something a little stronger... there's an idea. Maybe not a good one... but it's an idea.

Vulernability

After giving the web site address to my blog to a friend from work (Yes, Pat this one's for you... and no I haven't said anything bad about you... I checked to make sure) I feel a little exposed, vulnerable. I really hate feeling vulnerable. I feel like I should have deleted a few posts... things that most people don't know... but I also don't want to censor myself. I'd probably have to delete at least half the posts *lol* And that would throw the whole open and honest part right out the window. I suppose you can't really say I'm dishonest if I omit it. I'm sure you'll never see me the same way though. But I guess that's what happens when you bare your soul and leave very few skeletons in the closet. Just plenty of demons.

Scars

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

Papa Roach – “Scars”

Open & Honest

I got to thinking yesterday about whether or not honesty really involves being open. There is the old saying about being "Open and Honest" But now... there is the internet. Are we still being open and honest? I would have to say no... On one level, yes I can be more open about things that are going on in my life. For example, how many people found out about my medical issues from here instead of from me? Or the fact that my apartment was on fire? But I can still hide behind a wall of anonymity. Yes, people I know have access to the page but I don't really have to think about that fact. I can still maintain the issues I have with trust by hiding. I don't have to see their reaction, and likewise they don't have to see mine. The eyes are the window to the soul... and in being honest that is the part I have the most trouble with. Or maybe it's the fear of emotions. I've spent almost my entire life believing I had to be strong and not feel anything. People still call me cold as ice... So are we any more open with the advent of the internet and personal blogs? Or do we interact less and are using the internet as a shield instead?

My Brain Hurts

I think my brain actually hurts right now from too much thinking... Don't worry I am not starting another philosophical debate at the moment... I have a few topics I could delve into but tonight I am just going to relax. Maybe I am just tired from having to actually be up this morning. I couldn't sleep in until 11. I had to actually be awake and somewhat functioning at 9:00 a.m. I must admit though that it is nice to be off at 5:30 and be able to enjoy the evening. But at the same time I do end up really tired. And at the moment I need to go to the post office before work... and I really do not want to be up that early. Maybe on Wednesday... maybe. But for now... time to watch a movie... get away from the computer and get to bed around midnight.

Sun Worshipper

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Closing Thoughts

Now back to the question I asked at the beginning... "Is equality a noble ideal and something we should strive for or should we simply acknowledge the inequalities in society and continue on with the hierarchy of power?" The second question was, "If we do believe that equality is a worthwhile goal, does it have to be absolute? Can it be a reduction of inequality.. or equality only in certain areas?

If it had to be black or white, an all or nothing situation then I would have to argue against equality. In a capitalist society there can never be a true equality. It is not my political views that would have me argue against equality. In terms of equality in regards to income my issue is not that everyone be equalized... but that the poor have enough to make a decent life.

There are three equalities from a political standpoint.

1. Equal rights
2. Equal opportunities
3. Equality before the law

I do, however, believe in these three equalities. I believe that citizenship in a country should give us equal rights. We have the freedom of speech, freedom of religion. We have the ability to vote in a democratic matter.

In terms of equal opportunities I do not believe in affirmative action. I do believe that we should have equal access to health, education, employment and social welfare. On that note it would be good if education was sponsored by the government. But that is just my thought.

Equality of law means that when a law is created every person is to be treated equally under the law.

I guess the only one I have a problem with is the idea of equal income distribution. I do not believe that socialism is the answer and I enjoy having the individual freedoms. But any attempt to create equality will undoubtedly challenge those freedoms. Sometimes it is necessary to sacrifice the individual for the good of the whole.

Culture, religion, lifestyle, feelings – these are all aspects of our private lives and should be of no concern to the state or other public authorities. Yet governments in the West pour public money into what should be private, to separate and divide people even more. A truly plural society would be one in which citizens have full freedom to pursue their different values or practices in private, while in the public sphere all citizens would be treated as equals whatever the differences in their private lives. Today, however, pluralism has come to mean the very opposite. The right to practise a particular religion, speak a particular language, follow a particular cultural practice is seen as a public good rather than a private freedom. Different interest groups demand to have their ‘differences’ institutionalised in the public sphere.

If culture, religion and lifestyle were private and were part of individual rights there would likely be more equality in society. The problem is that all of these issues have now been on display in the public arena with each group wanting more rights. How about each group be treated equally so that we do not need special interest groups, all talking of the injustices they face?

So to answer my own question... yes I do believe in equality. However, I do not believe in absolute equality. I believe that equality should be promoted in certain areas, such as equal access but not in terms of income.

As a side note.... this whole debate isn't even really mine. So Adam... this one's for you. Wanted to give you something to think about. :o) In a philosophical debate I would rather discuss morality, ethics or logic. So the debate I had about absolute truth was more my style.

Capitalism

There are 2 definitions of capitalism.

The most common definition is "An economic system in which the means of production and distribution are privately or corporately owned and development is proportionate to the accumulation and reinvestment of profits gained in a free market."

From political/philosophical point of view the definition is “Capitalism is a social system based on the principle of individual rights.”

My goal is not to debate the finer points of socialism vs capitalism.... Suffice to say that capitalism creates a social hierarchy of classes and in doing so breeds inequality. Usually we divide society into three distinct groups: Upper class, Middle class, and Lower class. The dividing line is typically economics. Classes can also be divided among other lines as well. But in separating people into groups we automatically create dividing lines and reinforce the inequality.

So the debate on equality centers around the debate on the rights of the individual vs the rights of the group. True equality ignores the rights of the individual and focuses solely on the rights of the group.

In any society there is a natural tension between the interests of individuals and the interest of the group as a whole. There is a conflict between what individuals want and what serves their interests and what is needed for the welfare, safety and security of the entire group. Government needs to moderate that conflict. Depending on the type of view that is operative concerning the nature of the social arrangement and the nature of government, the conflict will be resolved in favor of one or the other sets of interests.

Challenges Faced by Socialism/Egalitarianism

Is the equality of rights even a good thing? Do people even want it? People, being individual, have different wants and needs. The group mentality would then be forced onto the individual. How is this beneficial?

The most important issue is whether equality of results is practical. History shows that it is completely impractical. The only thing that equality of results has accomplished where it has been implemented is to spread poverty and famine. It has never raised the living standards of those it claimed to benefit, but has only lowered them. As has been noted by many – “capitalism is the uneven distribution of wealth, and socialism the even distribution of poverty.”

Egalitarians have confused the meaning of Jefferson ’s “all men are created equal.” While this is one of the most important concepts in the Declaration of Independence , it has nothing to do with equality of results. Obviously, it can not mean people are identical. Nature creates us as individuals, all with different talents, characteristics, and desires. All it can mean is that all people have equal liberty, and an individual should have the complete freedom to choose how he or she wants to live. Egalitarianism is actually at odds with this concept, and would try to force individuals to accept the dictates of the masses.

Is it really equality that we are after? At first glance, equality seems to be a noble ideal and one that should be pursued. Take the gap in incomes for instance. We believe in equality when one person is earning $20,000 and another is earning $100,000. Do we feel as strongly when one person is earning $1,000,000 and the other is earling $100,000? Perhaps the problem is not that the poor have less than the rich, but rather that the poor do not have enough--a sufficient level of resources to provide a good life or a reasonable prospect of a good life. The suggestion then is that sufficiency not equality is what per se matters. How one's condition compares to the situation of other people is not important in itself. What is morally important is that people have enough to bring them over the threshold of decent life prospects.

Egalitarianism

The definition of egalitarianism is:

1 : a belief in human equality especially with respect to social, political, and economic rights and privileges
2 : a social philosophy advocating the removal of inequalities among people

The egalitarian doctrine indicates that human are equal in fundamental worth or moral status. Equal opportunities in this school of thought means that a job offer is made to the person with the most merit, not based on sex, religion, or status.

Egalitarians also support an equality of wealth and income. This is undoubtedly one of the biggest obstacles to equality. This involves restricting our liberty. Some restrictions of liberty are worth their cost and equality may be one of these values that are strong enough to agree to a loss of freedom. It may be a compromise, trading in the individual freedom to earn money to better society. In this respect, it has the same view as socialism.

Even egalitarianists have to face the issue of how to determine which groups should be equalized. Is it determined by people in the same age bracket... or that it should be everyone is completely equal? Is the equalization global? But again, the egalitarian school of thought seems to be a utopia... the perfect world and not something that is ever achieveble.

Socialism

The biggest proponent for an equal society would have to be socialists. According to Marx, socialism is the transition between capitalism and communism. One of Marx' famous quotes is "from each according to his abilities, to each according to his needs". If that's not equality I don't know what is.

According to newyouth.com...

"For Marxists, socialism is a transitional phase between the exploitative capitalist system of private property of the means of production, and the classless society of communism, where there is no longer a state in the proper sense of the word, no compulsion to work, no national borders, etc.

Under capitalism, society is governed by a handful of rich elites who exploit the working class in order to extract profits. They are not concerned with what or how they produce commodities, as long as these bring them a profit. They have developed the state - bodies of armed men; the laws, courts, prisons, military, police - in order to preserve their privileged position. Under communism, the whole of society will be the "owners" of the means of production, and will produce in the interests of all people in harmony with the environment. But between these two phases of human social development lies the transitional period of socialism."

We can all conjure up images of Communist countries, like Russia was, and China, among others. When we compare them to our own societies they aren't as appealing. But that is a far cry from the communist society that Marx had envisioned. Marx felt that individualism would flourish. Socialism would be a place without borders or frontiers. The economy would be strong and all of our needs would be met. Doesn't sound bad at all... except maybe for the rich upper class in our society. But it is also a utopian ideal.

But obviously for someone that follows Marx and believes in socialism then the goal should be equality for all and they would also argue that inequalities are a product of a capitalist society.

Truth: An Absolute or Just Relative?

I know I am deviating at the moment from the debate of equality/diversity and inequality.... but in almost any philosophical debate the question of truth arises.

Truth is definied as:

1. Conformity to fact or actuality.
2. A statement proven to be or accepted as true.
3. Sincerity; integrity.
4. Fidelity to an original or standard.
5. 1. Reality; actuality.
   2. often Truth That which is considered to be the supreme reality and to have the ultimate meaning and value of existence.

For centuries truth was seen to be the underpinning of philosophy. Truth was an automtic assumption... It was only with the writings of Kant, Nietzsche, and Marx, among others that this belief has been challenged. Can we automatically assume that truth exists? Is there such a thing as abosulute truth?

If truth is relative does that mean that the debate over equality/diversity is reduced to the political and social arena? Or does it even matter? Do we need some idea of truth as the basis for everything else?

Say there is no such thing as truth. Truth is just a construct and it is all relative. Then what I believe to be true someone else may believe is false. Take the statement "There is inequality in the world today." Is that statement true or false? Depends on whether or not truth is an absolute or is relative. If it's relative then the validity of that statement depends on politics, society, even time. We assume that equality is the ideal but that inequality is unavoidable. Without some absolute standard the reverse could also be true.

Take the statement, "There is no such thing as truth." If you assume that a statement is either true or false then there are two conclusions. 1. It is true and there is no such thing as truth (which would actually make it an absolute truth) or 2. It is false and truth exists. Believers in absolute truth use theis example as a proof that truth is absolute. But... it is possible that this is the only absolute truth. Is there anything else that we can unequivocally say is true? Everything we believe to be true is based on our value system and our beliefs. Try and think of something that is absolutely true. Yes there are things we take for granted but that does not necessarily make them true. Most people that argue for the absoluteness of truth use it as a proof that God exists. But there is no way to prove the existence of God. God is about beliefs, faith, and a religious doctrine... and not about truth. But you likewise cannot disprove the existence of God with that logic.

If you strip away truth and determine that it is in fact relative then you are left with an undeniable fact. That morality is also relative. It is dependant on our own world view and our culture. Equality is a human construct and as such, it is up to the society to determine which is more important, the rights of the society or the rights of the individual.

Going back to the idea of truth, Nietzsche believed that truth was in the eye of the beholder. He argued that society has certain "values" which it calls truth. It is also how we establish the norm and establish right and wrong. "There is an old illusion, it's called good and evil."

Nietzsche is most famous for saying that "God is dead" comment that has sparked religious debates and outrage. But here is the actual quote:

Have you not heard of that madman who lit a lantern in the bright morning hours, ran to the market-place, and cried incessantly: "I am looking for God! I am looking for God!"
As many of those who did not believe in God were standing together there, he excited considerable laughter. Have you lost him, then? said one. Did he lose his way like a child? said another. Or is he hiding? Is he afraid of us? Has he gone on a voyage? or emigrated? Thus they shouted and laughed. The madman sprang into their midst and pierced them with his glances.

"Where has God gone?" he cried. "I shall tell you. We have killed him - you and I. We are his murderers. But how have we done this? How were we able to drink up the sea? Who gave us the sponge to wipe away the entire horizon? What did we do when we unchained the earth from its sun? Whither is it moving now? Whither are we moving now? Away from all suns? Are we not perpetually falling? Backward, sideward, forward, in all directions? Is there any up or down left? Are we not straying as through an infinite nothing? Do we not feel the breath of empty space? Has it not become colder? Is it not more and more night coming on all the time? Must not lanterns be lit in the morning? Do we not hear anything yet of the noise of the gravediggers who are burying God? Do we not smell anything yet of God's decomposition? Gods too decompose. God is dead. God remains dead. And we have killed him. How shall we, murderers of all murderers, console ourselves? That which was the holiest and mightiest of all that the world has yet possessed has bled to death under our knives. Who will wipe this blood off us? With what water could we purify ourselves? What festivals of atonement, what sacred games shall we need to invent? Is not the greatness of this deed too great for us? Must we not ourselves become gods simply to be worthy of it? There has never been a greater deed; and whosoever shall be born after us - for the sake of this deed he shall be part of a higher history than all history hitherto."

Here the madman fell silent and again regarded his listeners; and they too were silent and stared at him in astonishment. At last he threw his lantern to the ground, and it broke and went out. "I have come too early," he said then; "my time has not come yet. The tremendous event is still on its way, still travelling - it has not yet reached the ears of men. Lightning and thunder require time, the light of the stars requires time, deeds require time even after they are done, before they can be seen and heard. This deed is still more distant from them than the distant stars - and yet they have done it themselves."

It has been further related that on that same day the madman entered divers churches and there sang a requiem. Led out and quietened, he is said to have retorted each time: "what are these churches now if they are not the tombs and sepulchres of God?"

Nietzsche's point was that in the hearts of modern (wo)men God is dead, having been killed by rationalism and science. Prior to his death, however, he defined cultural beliefs and our system of morality. If God is dead and we accept his death then our standards of morality go with it.

With moral relativism what is considered moral can change and there is no absolute standard of right/wrong. Take murder for example. We assume that it is an absolute and cannot fathom that it could ever be considered acceptable. Now we make exceptions to this rule: Self-Defense, Insanity, War, Martyrdom, Accidental deaths, etc. But even if you ignore that murder has been considered acceptable in certain cultures. At one point Eskimoes engaged in infanticide and would kill off elders since they were no longer able to contribute but were still consuming resources. Who are we to judge these societies?

Now back to the question of equality and diversity. If there is no absolute truth and no moral standard then how can I possibly judge something to be equal or even inequal? That's all assuming, of course, that truth is not absolute and therefore, neither is morality. If there are absolutes and this is what we are governed by then the notion of equality is fair and desirable.

Since the debate between absoulte truth and relativism is a heated debate and the topic of much discussion I am going to leave it alone and focus on the debate as to whether or not we should be aiming for equality.

Diversity vs Equality

Just to muddy the waters even further...

According to the dictionary, diversity is defined as, "1a. The fact or quality of being diverse; difference. b. A point or respect in which things differ. 2. Variety or multiformity."

Or as the person who indvertently started the debate said, "Diversity means recognizing people's differences while still treating them the same."

According to the dictionary, equality is defined as, "1. The state or quality of being equal."

Or as Sherry said, "Equality means treating everyone the same."

Whenever I do any type of search on the subject the articles seem to be including both, as though they are the same thing. I'm sure some people are now saying what's the big deal? They both mean treating people the same. Or, don't the words mean virtually the same thing? In reality they are miles apart even though they seem pretty similar. In one instance you are not recognizing them as individuals and in the other you acknowledge the fact we are not all the same.

The U.S. seems to promote equality, with the melting pot and the identity focuses on being a US citizen. Canada, on the other hand, promotes diversity. Canada recognizes the notion that people are unique and have their own beliefs. People aren't going to fit into a cookie cutter mold. Differences can stem on many fronts: Race, Religion, Sex, Culture, Physical & Mental Disabilities, even Sexual Orientation.

Is it possible to strive for diversity or would it be reduced to equality? Can we actually recognize the differences while still treating people the same? Let's take apples for example.

Red

Green

Sweet

Sour

Eating

Cooking

Both of these are apples. They have different tastes and are better suited for different tasks. But once we start looking at their differences are they still being treated the same? Or are we now showing preferential treatment for one? In the same vein, we can consider everyone as being equal on the basis that they are human but once you start adding in the differences this becomes the basis for exclusion or discrimination.

A good example is the recent anti-smoking law that just came into effect. No smoking in public places. Bars can no longer allow smoking on the patio or have an enclosed room for smokers. Non smokers are undoubtedly cheering the news and think it's been a long time coming. There has even been pressure not to allow smoking in an apartment. But what happened to the rights of a smoker? I'm not saying the law is entirely bad and it will undoubtedly have health benfits for people that are around smokers. But... why did the law also make a bar remove the enclosed area? Logic would say that if non smokers go in there then they are making their own choices. Instead we are now discriminating against smokers.... while the government continues to make a profit off them, and have increased the taxes on cigarettes 3x since the liberals came into power in Ontario.

Another good example is the right to marry and the right to adopt children. Undoubtedly some people are now saying that is a constitutionally protected right so what's the problem? Yes you do have that right, as long as you are heterosexual. Homosexuals are routinely denied the same rights the heterosexual community has always enjoyed. The argument against it seems to stem from the lifestyle and people's views over it. But why should they not have the same right simply because they are a member of society and this was their choice? Let's say a couple is together for 10 years and then one of them dies on the job. If they were heterosexual then the other person would get the benefits. If they were homosexual, on the other hand, they would not. How many jobs include medical or dental benefits? Since the homosexual relationship is not recognized they do not receive the benefits if their partner has them. I'm not trying to start a debate over the behaviour. That isn't the point. The point is that we discriminate againt them on a daily basis and most people don't even acknowledge it. In fact, most people probably say they are accepting and support equality... but do we really? A conservative government was voted in... and part of their platform was that they would re-examine the rights of gays to marry. Since I already know the debate that is coming from my views. Let's go back to the Bible for some insight. According to Luke 6:37-38, "Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. 38Give, and it will be given to you." Or Luke 6:41-42, "1"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 42How can you say to your brother, 'Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,' when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye." Or how about John 8:7, "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." Enough said on that one.

Non smokers are not treated the same as smokers. There is a certain inequality there. And who decided that the right to smoke should be denied in a social setting? I may have quit smoking but that doesn't mean that I don't believe they are now being marginalized. There is definitely an inequality between heterosexuals and homosexuals right down to the rights one has. A lot of the debate comes back to the rights of the individual compared to the rights of the group. Diversity would say that each person should be given the same rights while still recognizing the differences. How do you treat a nonsmoker and a smoker the same? How do you give them equal rights? Since one group wants smoking outlawed and the other wants the freedom to continue smoking if they so desire. Is there any common ground between the two groups? Okay I guess the workplace has been a compromise... I have no problem with not being able to smoke on the job. Okay so that wasn't really a compromise any ways... The non smokers won. If the new laws had been fair and not aimed at discrimination then diversity might have been a little more evident. For instance, banning smoking at restaurants and bars but allowing them to have an enclosed room where people could go to smoke. Then they would not be ostrisized and would be treated fairly.

A stereotype is defined as: "

1. A conventional, formulaic, and oversimplified conception, opinion, or image.
2. One that is regarded as embodying or conforming to a set image or type."

As verb, stereotypes, stereotyping and stereotyped means:

1. To make a stereotype of.
2. To characterize by a stereotype: "Elderly Americans are the neglected sector of the fashion industry, stereotyped by blue hair and polyester pantsuits" (American Demographics).
3. To give a fixed, unvarying form to.

Every day we create stereotypes. It allows for classifications and categories so we can make sense of the world. We often associate stereotypes with being negative but that isn't always the case. A stereotype is simply a simplification or generalization. If you see someone across the street you are already stereotyping them and making an opinion without ever talking to them. We stereotype other groups (such as based on race, social class, gender, nationality, age, sexual orientation, etc.) But even within a group there may be stereotypes. There are often sub groups. For instance women encompass one group but there may be many subgroups within that. From nurturer to businesswomen and we all have certain beliefs about each sub group.

Our entire social system is based on categories and hierarchies. We stereotype people so that we do not have to overwhelm ourselves with thinking of everyone we come across as a unique individual. So can we recognize differences and still treat people the same? From the minute that we begin to acknowledge all of the things the set two people apart it becomes exceedingly difficult to treat them the same. Again this debate largely stems around a utopian society since in a free society it is unlikely that people would be willing to trade in their personal freedoms for equality.

Now back to the question I asked yesterday.... should we focus on the hierarchical nature of society and accept that people are not equal... or should we work towards an emphasis on diversity and treating everyone the same? If we look towards diversity does it have to be an absolute, an all or nothing proposition? Or will that only lead us towards the Big Brother society of Orwell's "1984"? If it's not all or nothing... then should we be focusing the energy on reducing inequality in all areas? or just eliminating inequality in certain areas? I'll leave you, for now to ponder those ideas.

Notion of Equality

Aristotle wrote of being a "tabula rasa" or blank slate at birth. If you follow this then it would mean that genes do not account for anything and knowledge is developed from life experiences and sensory perceptions. I guess Aristotle took the side of nurture in the nature/nurture debate. I believe there is a mix of genetic predisposition and then cultural experiences. We don't live in a vacuum. But the brain is pre-programmed for certain emotional responses. Take the pain experience for example. While everyone feels it differently we still recognize it as pain and it hurts. Our mind tells us it's not pleasurable (well okay I do have to make the exception of sado-masochism). Yes that could be a cultural response but with classic conditioning would it ever be possible to associate pain with happiness? Not that I propose that study ever be conducted since it would be unethical. Watson also believed in the notion of a tabula rasa and stated that if he had 20 infants he could create who they would become (thieves, doctors, etc.). Now what does the idea of a blank slate mean for equality? If we start out as a blank slate then everyone would be equal from the beginning. But even if you do state that everyone is a blank slate at birth will they remain that way? Will equality continue throughout time? To use an extreme example, two children are born on the same day. One is born to a judge and the other to a crack addict. Will these children be the same? Yes they are both equal at birth in the sense that they are both infants and both human. But their worlds will undoubtedly be shaped very differently so how can there be equality?

In a political sense the idea of equality encompasses three things.

1. Equal Rights
2. Equal opportunities
3. Equlity before the law

But, in practice, do we really have those three equalities in society? Someone commits a crime and goes to jail. They no longer have the same rights. Granted they gave up that right by committing the crime but that also means they are no longer equal with other members of society. I have the right to vote. The homeless guy downtown does not have the same right since he does not have an address. What happened to equal rights? Why do they not have the same rights simply because they are homeless?

Equal opportunities.... I did a google search and really all I got were web sites on affirmative action. According to Wikipedia, "Equal Opportunity is a descriptive term for an approach intended to give equal access to an environment or benefits, such as education, employment, health care, or social welfare to all, often with emphasis on members of various social groups who historically suffered from discrimination. Some protected groups include gender, race, or religion. Equal opportunity practices include an organizations' implementation of personnel practices to ensure equality in the employment process. Equal opportunity also applies to equality in housing and public accommodations.In developing countries, equal opportunity is provided by creating jobs accessible to poor people. Economic studies suggest that this is achieved by reducing barriers to entry and allowing entrepreneurial activity."

Now, how exactly is that equal opportunity? Okay, I understand the idea that we are supposed to have equal access but then that is followed by an emphasis on the disenfranchised in society? So now the white guy is screwed for a job and is discriminated against because he's not part of the minority. How exactly is that better? As you can tell, I am not a fan of this type of policy.

Another example of how equal opportunity falls short is in the access to health care. Let's go back to the homeless guy. Or even employment. Is he as likely to get medical care from a family physician? Or even from a hospital? Whereas I can go see my family doctor if needed and can call for help. Let's say we both have a degree in psychology and apply for the same job. We have the same qualifications (it could actually be argued he has more in the way of life experience) but who is more likely to get that job? I am. If you follow the logic of equal opportunity then would it not be discrimination to show preference for someone with a university degree over someone who simply has life experience? While both people are able to apply (equal opportunity at work) it has already been pre-determined that the person with the degree will get the job.

When it comes to equal opportunity is there such a thing when it comes to education? Post-secondary education is not publicly funded and few can afford it without a loan. There is a huge disparity in who goes on to get a degree. Not to mention the cost of paying it back. When I finished school my loan was $54,000 (I think) and then there is the interest on top of that. Since it is education and relates to the betterment of society then why do we have to pay interest on the loan? Because it's the government. And they make it incredibly difficult to get interest relief. But that was a bit of a tangent there. The point is that we do not have equal access to post-secondary education.

Equality before the law means that when a law is made every person is to be treated equally. Equal protection of the law means that when a law is applied or is enforced then there should not be any differentiation except where it is rational and justifiable. The courts have admitted that is impossible to treat everyone equally. In this context equality has come to mean that if two people in the exact same situation should be treated equally. But it is also very difficult for situations to be identical.

As taken from the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms:

Equality Rights
Equality before and under law and equal protection and benefit of law	15.	(1) Every individual is equal before and under the law and has the right to the equal protection and equal benefit of the law without discrimination and, in particular, without discrimination based on race, national or ethnic origin, colour, religion, sex, age or mental or physical disability.
Affirmative action programs		(2) Subsection (1) does not preclude any law, program or activity that has as its object the amelioration of conditions of disadvantaged individuals or groups including those that are disadvantaged because of race, national or ethnic origin, colour, religion, sex, age or mental or physical disability. (83)

Equality can also be looked at from a political, social or economic viewpoint. In politics there is the charter of rights and freedoms as mentioned previously. And, of course, the goverment wants us to believe that everything is equal and that the justice system is fair.

Economically it is easy to see that we are not all equal. For things to truly be equal there would need to be a redistribution of wealth. In a capitalist society this will never happen. And if wealth is taken from the rich and given to the poor then it inhibits personal freedom. What would the incentive be to work hard if that was the case? You won't get ahead in the long run. So society would actually become poorer if we tried to make things equal.

Taken at it's simplest equality is treating everyone the same. Within any culture is this ever possible? A corporate executive that steals from the company will get less prison time (if they get any at all) then the person that robs a bank. Why are the courts more lenient on white collar crime? The societal notion of equality is related to equal access to education, employment, and social services. As already mentioned this doesn't happen.

Equality is a lofty goal that does not appear to be attainable. But does that mean we shouldn't strive for equality? Philosophers use logic and reason to construct beliefs and then attempt to prove them. I guess the question would actually be "Is equality a noble ideal and something we should work towards or should we simply acknowledge the inequalities in society and continue on with the hierarchy of power?"

To be continued...

Bone Marrow Biopsy

This is what I have to look forward to. Then it wil be back to the waiting game and the uncertainty. And so far I don't really like any of the possible answers.

Hiding Behind a Mask

I've come to the conclusion that I don't need to watch soap operas. My life always seems to have enough excitement in it. I suppose the upside is there there is never a dull moment. But some days I would like peace and quiet.

The other day I had someone say I look more relaxed at work. Yes the LOA did some good things for me... it wasn't all good... but it did give me a chance to get some rest. Aside from that it's actually surprising that I look more relaxed. Guess I do a good job, most of the time, of hiding behind a mask. I know we all wear them at times to hide from people or to hide from the truth. For the most part I try to leave everything at home before going to work but that's not always possible. Of course, even when I do show the stress I make it appear like it's related to work. But again that is just a mask. I know I can get the work done... well along with Pat I can any ways. Yes I'd like more time for training but in terms of the mandate it will get done. The truth is (and you'll probably never hear me admit to this again) that I am scared to death. Fear of the unknown.... fear of the consequences.... I am so used to being the strong one... the survivor.... and now that may not be possible. I'm not as strong as I thought I was.

I also feel extremely alone and isolated right now. I know that everyone has been sympathetic to the fact I likely have to have a bone marrow biopsy done and have been trying to tell me it's likely something small. Yes I am comforted by the fact they didn't feel I need emergency treatment but it's a small comfort. And no one really understands what I am going through. I don't look sick so people don't realize what I'm going through. There's the chronic pain from the fibromyalgia. Any idea what it's like waking up in the morning in pain and going to bed still in pain? A life ruled by pain.... but you never look sick. I still look relatively healthy. Add to that 2 years of fatigue. Fatigue that has caused me to completely withdraw from everything. Imagine, for a moment, what it is like to go to work for 8.5 hours, come home and be too tired to cook dinner. It's not like I work in a factory or anything that is labour intensive. In that respect I have a pretty cushy job. Even if I do have the energy to cook I run out of energy while eating. It's a rough place to be. I am still too prideful to admit I need help.

As I have said before I had the bloodwork done in February (or maybe March) from the rheumatologist. They had to repeat the tests. The results came back the same. My white blood cell count and my platelet count were both low. I suspect that when they redid the tests in May my red blood cell count was also low. When they did the first tests I was taking 6x the recommended dose of iron and the results only came back as being normal, not high. My family doctor said they "wanted to check to make sure the bone marrow was still producing blood cells." Now the fact that is even a question is pretty frightening. If it were just one blood line that came up low then it would be more likely that it is a vitamin deficiency or something minor. But it's not. There aren't nearly as many things that cause more then one to be low. I have to go back to the rheumatologist but I have no idea if he got the results from the third test. A month later and the fear has not gone away or lessened any.

If that wasn't enough Adam stopped by with mail today. One of the items was from the cancer research society and it said that 1 in Canadians will be diagnosed with cancer. Now that's inspiring. Definitely not going to reduce the anxiety level and fear with that news. Since as much as I want to deny it that is one of the many possibilities.

And now it's time to put the mask back on. The one that says everything is fine... I'm doing okay... and I am strong. No fear, right?

Security Blanket

I think almost all of us had a security blanket when we were young. Something that made us feel safe. I didn't have a blanket but I did have my bunny. Mom kept trying to replace him but I always went back to that bunny. Years later I was wondering why I had so many bunny stuffed animals. Eventually the bunny was taken away so I wouldn't destroy it. When I was 15 I found out that they still had my bunny and asked for it back as a birthday present. He's still on my bed. Last night was the first time in years I went looking for that bunny. Since it was dark it was a frantic search. But I needed some type of security... something that was comforting.

Bunny