Death, Destruction & Mayhem

"Abandon hope all ye who enter here"
- Dante Alighieri

The more I watch the news and interact with people the more I relate to that statement. Interestingly enough, it comes from Dante's Inferno and is the inscription at the gates of hell. I look around me and wonder what is going on. It just seems like it is all about violence and destruction. It also seems to be a very godless society... Godless because so many people have built false altars and are focused on their false gods.

The recent shootings at Virginia Tech are just the tip of the iceberg. 33 dead in a situation that points to poor communication... chaos... and tragedy. The media was quick to point out that the gunman had spent time in a mental institution. But from what I could tell by the article he was suicidal at the time. It is sad and it raises the question of whether or not more gun control would be a good thing. Either that or in the States it just gets more publicity. I refused to watch CNN because I knew they would be showing round the clock coverage and we would all see the carnage. It's the publics morbid curiousity and to some it fosters the idea that if they do this then they will have their 15 minutes of fame. They will be notorious. So, is the publicity really such a good thing?

And speaking of the media... why is it so big when something happens in the states and no one cares when it happens elsewhere. It does.... every day. There is senseless violence all over the world but because it happens somewhere else it does not get the same news coverage. So while you're thinking about all the people who died in that senseless tragedy think also of the people that have lost their lives and no one notices.

But it's not just in these major acts that violence is rampant... It's in everyday life. I live in a small, conservative town. I think I should use the word conservative loosely however. There are many people here who go to church on Sunday and then are out dealing drugs, carrying weapons, and getting in fights the rest of the week. What kind of message does that send? There are certainly unsavoury elements here, and ties to organized crime. There is a rather large drug underworld just beneath the surface. I live in an apartment building and it's not uncommon to come home at night and find the cops here. A while back my neighbours door was removed with a police battering ram. I felt safer on the streets in London, Ontario then I do here. And considering it's a small town it shouldn't be like that.

And it leaves me with the question, Where is God in all this?

Student Loan Nightmare

Why does interest relief have to be such a nightmare? You call and they "pre-qualify" you for interest relief. I gave them the same information that I filled out on the forms. They approved it then but when I apply I get denied because I make too much money. I know how much money I am allowed to make and was below that amount. When I called I wasn't allowed to discuss it with them and was told I had to appeal the decision. The last time I appealed it took five months and I didn't get the $1200 back. But I appealed the decision and over a month later have not heard anything.

Here's the problem... My loan is now behind. I was hoping they would be able to rectify the situation quickly but I guess that was asking for a bit much. So they are now destroying my credit rating. I just got a notice today that I owe them $1200 and am 3 months behind. Now in January I was on interest relief. Since the payments come out at the end of the month I should only be 2 months behind. Even being 2 months behind stresses me out.

Obviously since I am unemployed I can't afford to bring it up to date. Once again I am caught in a catch-22 situation. Right now I would qualify for interest relief but I would need to bring the loan up to date. If it goes to collections then I really won't qualify for interest relief. It's extremely frustrating because I know I should qualify for interest relief. So I am being penalized for their mistakes.

Why does it have to be such a nightmare to get the interest relief? I go through the same fight every single time I apply. And when I first apply it takes a month for them to make a decision. Last time it only took a week (maybe two) before the denial was reversed because when I called in they contacted the appeals department on my behalf. Too bad the interest relief only went through for a month since, for some reason, the bank is ahead of the national student loan center and I had used up my interest relief there. I was told the next time I applied I would be on extended interest relief with the bank. So I reapplied with basically the exact same information as was approved the month before and was denied again. This time it has been over a month and still no word at all, just 2 notices that I am behind. We're now halfway through the third month that I should be on interest relief so at this rate by the time they have it sorted out the interest relief will have run out and I'll be back to fighting them all over again.

I have no idea what to do at this point... I can't afford to pay it, and even if I could would not get the money back. I just want it resolved. Is that really so much to ask? Anyone got any recommendations?

Syntax - Destiny

This is my Destiny only child
come on and rescue me 'cos I'm wild
this is my selection when I'm sure
not looking for deception like before

Beautiful creation I adore
this sensation never.. felt before

How can I change the path that I'm on
this is my Destiny
this is my life my own right or wrong
bring it on back to me
How can I say what it is that I want
wisdom speak to me
Life your sweet then the moment is gone

This is my Destiny

This is my intention hear me now
don't need correction please me how
breaking out the institution crazy law
aint no complication live for more

This is my Destiny only child
come on and rescue me 'cos I'm wild

How can I change the path that I'm on
this is my Destiny
this is my life my own right or wrong
bring it on back to me
How can I say what it is that I want
wisdom speak to me
Life your sweet then the moment is gone

This is my Destiny...

This is my Destiny...

Only child, only child

Come on and rescue me
'Cos I'm wild...

And I'm wild (x5)

Forced Relaxation

I took this picture earlier today. Azrael was being super cute and nestled right in with me. He likes forcing me to relax and take some time away from the computer or any of the other jobs that I might have to do. And sometimes that is exactly what I need. I am always multi-tasking and trying to get too much done. Azrael helps me to take care of myself. So I thought I'd share the picture of the experience.

Sound Like Anyone You Know?

Since I like stealing from other web sites.... (Hey at least I am giving them credit for it) here's one on being an INFP. Sound like me?

"INFPs, more than other iNtuitive Feeling types, are focused on making the world a better place for people. Their primary goal is to find out their meaning in life. What is their purpose? How can they best serve humanity in their lives? They are idealists and perfectionists, who drive themselves hard in their quest for achieving the goals they have identified for themselves.

INFPs are highly intuitive about people. They rely heavily on their intuitions to guide them, and use their discoveries to constantly search for value in life. They are on a continuous mission to find the truth and meaning underlying things. Every encounter and every piece of knowledge gained gets sifted through the INFP's value system, and is evaluated to see if it has any potential to help the INFP define or refine their own path in life. The goal at the end of the path is always the same - the INFP is driven to help people and make the world a better place.

INFPs are flexible and laid-back, until one of their values is violated. In the face of their value system being threatened, INFPs can become aggressive defenders, fighting passionately for their cause. When an INFP has adopted a project or job which they're interested in, it usually becomes a "cause" for them. Although they are not detail-oriented individuals, they will cover every possible detail with determination and vigor when working for their "cause".

INFPs have very high standards and are perfectionists. Consequently, they are usually hard on themselves, and don't give themselves enough credit. INFPs may have problems working on a project in a group, because their standards are likely to be higher than other members' of the group. In group situations, they may have a "control" problem. The INFP needs to work on balancing their high ideals with the requirements of every day living. Without resolving this conflict, they will never be happy with themselves, and they may become confused and paralyzed about what to do with their lives.

INFPs are usually talented writers. They may be awkard and uncomfortable with expressing themselves verbally, but have a wonderful ability to define and express what they're feeling on paper. INFPs also appear frequently in social service professions, such as counselling or teaching. They are at their best in situations where they're working towards the public good, and in which they don't need to use hard logic."

"In" Words

I'm trying to think of positive words that start with "In" without looking at the dictionary:

Introverted
Intuition
Inform(ation)
Integrity
Inspire
Interesting
Influence
Integrate

Okay I give up... It's like 1:15 am and I don't have the energy to think at the moment. I know there are a lot of words. At work the buzzwords are Inform, Influence and Inspire. I find it interesting that integrity is not on that list. Apparently you don't need integrity... just as long as you can do the other three things. Hmm... What does that say about the company?

Idealism Meets Reality

Quote: An optimist is a person who sees only the lights in the picture, whereas a pessimist sees only the shadows. An idealist, however, is one who sees the light and the shadows but, in addition, sees something else; the possibility of changing the picture, of making the lights prevail over the shadows.
Author: Felix Adler

This is largely a continuation of the last couple of posts. What is the price of silence? What is your price? Everyone has one. For me... my price was having a job. It meant some level (albeit false) of security. I knew I had an income coming in. So I foolishly thought that if I remained quiet... or at least tried to keep my head down and keep a low profile then I would still have a job. I also kept hoping that things would one day change... that they would get better. When I came back from my LOA I was given false hope when Christie became my manager. This doesn't take anything away from Christie because I strongly believe that she is a great manager and I respect her a great deal. It gave me that hope that just maybe this time would be different. But when I was fired idealism came face to face with reality. No matter how hard you try you are not going to change a zebra's stripes. It is what it is... and likewise you can't change who a person is and what their values are.

I've also learned that losing your job is not the end of the world. Sure it sucks (although the time off is kind of nice *lol*) and not having that steady income is stressful but it could be worse. I'd be lying if I said that I didn't miss my team and my manager. I've talked to Christie since then but it's not the same. Right now there is still a chasm between us.... things that neither of us can say. And as much as people seem to think I hate the company and "damn the man" I don't feel that way. I can still see the good in that company.... although I think there would need to be some changes made... much like with any company.

After I was fired it was like a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders. I didn't realize just how toxic the environment was. This is what I want to fight... I know I'm not the only one... caught up in a world of paranoia, anxiety, stress and fear. I thought I had to be perfect and prove myself all the time. It was killing me, to be perfectly honest. It was all stemming from one person. That night was the best night's sleep I had in years. The exhaustion I had felt before Adam and I separated was suddenly lifted, along with the symptoms of depression. Gone... It was this remarkable recovery.

Two years of suffering... for a steady income. The sad fact is that countless other people have also had to endure this and many still are. My silence came at a price. I sacrificed my health for a few bucks... and I let other people down. I didn't stand up for the other people that had to go through the same thing... the ones that chose to leave instead.

I would get knocked down and would just stand back up. I refused to quit thinking that was so noble of me and that people would notice. That was a foolish thought because each time they basically bought my silence. Sure I kept coming back... but no one knew what I had to go through just to keep my job. And each time I got knocked down I thought things would be different. But it takes someone speaking up and becoming a martyr if you will before change occurs.

I'm pretty sure that most people who have been there for a while have their own horror stories and most, if not all, are extremely jaded. I don't blame them. I was harassed by team leaders and by a team manager. I even had my bathroom habits monitored at one point, which still embarrasses me and that was 2 years ago. I've been yelled at by managers on the floor in front of agents. They sent me on a 7 week leave of absence that involved forced psychiatric treatment. Their own doctor said I was suffering from clinical depression but they used the performance issues from untreated depression to hold me back. Umm... discrimination anyone? I had a team leader take credit for my work so that she looked good. And then there was the dismissal. I never thought I'd be fired for trying to motivate people and make them laugh. But I guess management wasn't laughing. We'll see who gets the last laugh.

Taking After Switzerland

Quote: If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor. If an elephant has its foot on the tail of a mouse and you say that you are neutral, the mouse will not appreciate your neutrality.
Author: Bishop Desmond Tutu

That's a pretty strong statement. After all the natural inclination is to not be in the middle and to want to be neutral. But there is also a great deal of truth in that statement. If we are neutral then we are just washing our hands of it and refusing to get our hands dirty to help out.

I can't count how many people have said that I got a raw deal and that it shouldn't have happened and then turn around and say that they don't have an issue with this person. So does that mean that what they did to me was right?

I completely understand the response though... I did the same thing for a long time. I sat on the sidelines and watched and basically said, "It's not me and it's not my war." And now look at where I am. I chose to be neutral and not do anything. Then suddenly I was in the cross hairs and wishing that I had taken a stand in the past and not taken on the role of Switzerland in the past. So remember that the next time you stand on the sidelines and watch a poor, little mouse get crushed by an elephant.

Silent No Longer

Quote: It is easier to find a score of men wise enough to discover the truth than to find one intrepid enough, in the face of opposition, to stand up for it.
Author: A. A. Hodge

According to the dictionary integrity can be defined as, " Steadfast adherence to a strict moral or ethical code." I look around and I wonder how many people I would say still have integrity. Politics is characterized by lies and corruption with the advice being given to vote for the person who you think is lying the least. Business is driven by the bottom line and ethics has long since been glossed over. I am sure that people can draw on their own experience in a job where you wondered about some of the business practices. What has happened to morality? What happened to ethics? Is there still integrity in the workplace?

For too long I have stayed silent, scared of what would happen if I spoke up. I am silent no longer. Now that doesn't mean that I am going to tell-all... least of all my blog. There is a time and a place. But I am standing up for the truth and for my rights. The spoken word and the written word can be powerful weapons if wielded properly. They may have fired me in an attempt to silence me but they have not taken my voice. I left with my head held high and my integrity intact. The only thing I regret is not speaking up sooner.

Change begins with one person taking a stand and refusing to back down. It has been a tough road and, believe me, the last few weeks... hmm... make that 2 years now... have really taken a toll on me and cost me a great deal. But it has also inspired me to be an advocate for equal rights and fair treatment... Bring back the ethics to the workplace. I'm taking a stand for the truth... What would you take a stand on?

Quote: Those who stand for nothing fall for anything.

Author: Alexander Hamilton

Integrity Quotes

Quote: If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor. If an elephant has its foot on the tail of a mouse and you say that you are neutral, the mouse will not appreciate your neutrality.
Author: Bishop Desmond Tutu

Quote: It is easier to find a score of men wise enough to discover the truth than to find one intrepid enough, in the face of opposition, to stand up for it.
Author: A. A. Hodge

Quote: Have no fear of robbers or murderers. They are external dangers, petty dangers. We should fear ourselves. Prejudices are the real robbers; vices the real murders. The great dangers are within us. Why worry about what threatens our heads or purses? Let us think instead of what threatens our souls.
Author: Victor Hugo

Quote: Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.
Author: Source Unknown

Quote: Character is always lost when a high ideal is sacrificed on the altar of conformity and popularity.
Author: Source Unknown

Quote: Achievement is not the most important thing -- Authenticity is
Author: Source Unknown

Quote: It is far better to be trusted and respected that it is to be liked.
Author: Source Unknown

Quote: It's not hard to make decisions when you know what your values are.
Author: Roy Disney

Quote: If you have integrity, nothing else matters. If you don't have integrity, nothing else matters.
Author: Alan Simpson

Quote: The measure of a man's real character is what he would do if he knew he never would be found out.
Author: Thomas Babington Macaulay

Quote: Try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of value.
Author: Albert Einstein

Quote: Every job is a self-portrait of the person who does it. Autograph your work with excellence.
Author: Unknown

Quote: To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.
Author: William Shakespeare

Voyeurism in the Online World

This really ties in to the last post I had. Have you ever taken a look at your posts and realized that you wouldn't say that to just anyone, they would really have to know you? Yet here you are posting about that event for the whole world to see....

They say that knowledge is power. We always want to "know" what's going on with everyone else. To a certain degree we are all voyeurs in the online world. A voyeur is defined as, "An obsessive observer of sordid or sensational subjects." We check out everyone else's blogs, Myspace pages, or facebook accounts to see who is friends with who... and for the latest news on them. I know people that spend hours on Facebook and will try and dig up the dirt on anyone they ever knew. This knowledge makes us feel important... as if we might have leverage, or at least know something about them that other people don't.

It also opens up the whole can of worms of online predators... People are less likely to censor themselves online. They are a lot more open and will say things that normally you wouldn't tell a complete stranger or someone that you barely know. So people could be spying on you... or stalking you based on what you post or what information you choose to give out.

Blogging makes people feel important, like they have a voice. The big question, is anyone really listening? And, who cares? I blog because I want to... It's sort of an online journal... Aside from some current self-censorship that one day I might be able to talk about. I'm not saying that friends and family don't care about what I have to say... but beyond that no one f'ing cares. But before you decide to post something you might want to think about the long term consequences. Would you want a stranger knowing this... or a potential employer.... and how would you feel in 5 years reading this? Be careful who you let see your online persona. And now it's time to go spy on some friends... err check out their most recent blog posts *lol*

Connection-Disconnection

It seems like everyone these days either has a blog, an account on myspace or one on facebook. It has changed the way people communicate. Now you don't need to email everyone to tell them what's going on in your life. All they need is access to the internet and they can read all about it. You can even include pictures. It creates this false reality where we are losing out on true communication. For the most part I don't talk on the phone any more.... I figure if you want to know how I'm doing just check out the web site. Now at the moment there are a few things that I am keeping very quiet about... mainly because I can't say anything. But I wonder if we are more connected now or if we are more disconnected... I had posted before about whether or not it really is a global community and I still wonder that.

I'm also back to wondering if we are more open and honest with our blogs or if we are merely hiding behind the shield of anonymity that the internet brings with it. Would I say the same things to someone in person that I say here? Even better, would I be willing to say it to anyone? Now I can easily say the answer to that would be no... After all there are boundaries in any relationship and I wouldn't necessarily disclose everything about myself to anyone. Yet I am willing to "bare my soul" here.

It comes back to the way the internet is changing how we communicate. I'm starting to wonder what a real conversation is like... one without internet shorthand, a web post, or an email.... I was recently on MSN chatting with a few different people (the internet does have some advantages) and the conversation went on for a lot longer then it probably would've if we had been talking in the real world. But then the flip side of that is the fact I had work to do that didn't get done. I'm sure most people can attest to losing vast amounts of time to the internet for a wide variety of reasons. It's going to be interesting to see what happens with the internet,... both good and bad and just how it will shape our personal relationships.

Updated Tattoo Picture

Part 4

What can I say.... I was having too much fun with those decals. Thought I would do a nice portrait of the entire family here. It really is the soccer mom van you know ;o) Maybe it's a good thing I don't work there any more... Christie can't kill me. I just have to hold off on that dinner I owe her. *lol*

Part 3

Okay so this wasn't the original part 3 that I was going to do... But someone sent me a link to these really cool decals that you can get for your car. So I thought I'd add them in and make a fun version of the HHR. For all of the versions so far just click here. And if you want t0 actually see the decals just check out the craftcuts web site. Now I have to figure out how to actually create the final image in the series... That one is certainly proving to be a little more difficult then the rest.

Present for the Former Boss

Some of you might remember the image I had of my boss' vehicle. If not here is the picture of Christie's HHR. I had said that I was going to do part two and just didn't have that kind of time. Seeing as I am now seeking employment elsewhere I had the time to do part 2. We'll see if I ever get around to part 3. That one is a little more challenging. Hey Christie are you scared yet?

New Tattoo Idea

I spent some time working on this design... I'm still not sure if it is the one I am going to go for or not... So you are welcome to comment and add your opinion. In case you are wondering the tattoo will be on my lower back.

The Crazy Ones

Here's to the crazy ones.

The misfits.

The rebels.

The troublemakers.

The round pegs in the square holes.

The ones who see things differently.

They're not fond of rules.

And they have no respect for the status quo.

You can praise them, disagree with them, quote them, disbelieve them, glorify or vilify them.

About the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things.

They invent. They imagine. They heal. They explore. They create. They inspire. They push the human race forward.

Maybe they have to be crazy.

How else can you stare at an empty canvas and see a work of art?

Or sit in silence and hear a song that's never been written?

Or gaze at a red planet and see a laboratory on wheels?

We make tools for these kinds of people. Where some people see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.

Apple Macintosh Advertisement

Visual DNA

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

And now you know a little more about me. It was pretty fun.. so Thanks for that Suzanne. This time I am stealing from you :o)

Facebook

I've been trying to keep a low profile as of late... hence the lack of posts. I figure it's safer that way. I really don't need any more trouble.

But the experience brings up a number of privacy questions related to Facebook. Since it is a membership site and your profile can only be accessed by people on the network, or on your friends list, is there an expectation of privacy? The web site is designed for "personal use" but one can always just argue that they accidentally found that picture of you passed out from intoxication... or smoking that joint... or whatever is in that picture. Too many people, myself included, forget that the information can be accessed by just about anyone at any time. It's out there for everyone to see. As was evidenced in my case, can (or should) that information be used against you to terminate your employment without notice, discipline/expulsion from school, or even be used to file criminal charges?

The default privacy settings is that it is wide open to anyone. I firmly believe that the default should be much more secure. You can customize your privacy to be whatever you want it to be. To truly protect privacy the default should be a limited profile. Then you can enable full access if that is what you want. If that was the case those pictures never would've been seen and I'd still have a job.

In the United States there was a case where an applicant applied for a job with the government and under the Patriot Act they accessed everything on their Facebook account, even what had been restricted by the user. I would assume that if they had turned the privacy on for something then it means they didn't want other people to know about it. So imagine being at the job interview and being asked questions about it. For details on this case click here.

Any web site like Myspace, Friendster, or Facebook makes it even easier for someone to become a stalker. Suddenly people who would lock their door when they go home make their lives publicly available with all kinds of details and pictures. So now you know that the person sitting across from you at work has three tattoos, spends their free time at X bar and their favourite show is Survivor. Things you might not have known even though you've worked together for 3 years. It changes the way we interact and it definitely changes the flow of information and what information is available.

And then there is the "My Feed" portion of the web site.... I am willing to bet that most people don't really think about it. In fact they like seeing who has posted what... and who is now friends with who. But think for a second of the implications. Yes it can reconnect you with someone you didn't know was a member. But it also tells you every time someone changes their status, information on their profile, joins a group, posts a picture, or places a message on someone else's wall. Do we really need to know all this? It's also how the manager in question knew so quickly about the pictures I had posted. They were not on my friends list but could completely browse the profile... so either they check it constantly... or knew about it because someone else commented on one of the photos.

There is a fascinating video called "Does What Happen in the Facebook Stay in the Facebook?" It is really interesting and kind of frightening actually. It's the stuff conspiracy theories are made of. And it really begs the question as to whether or not there is any privacy or if it is all just a false sense of security and privacy. Big Brother really is watching and we've let him in.

Real Uses of Voodoo Dolls

Contrary to popular belief voodoo dolls are not normally used to inflict harm on someone. The use of voodoo dolls actually has its roots in healing. Originating in Africa, a wooden figure called a bocheo (“empowered figure”) was made with small peg holes. This point of the body would then become a focal point for energy to promote healing. The plantation owners in Haiti feared these dolls and banned them, so the slaves created the figures undercover using cotton instead of wood. That information was stolen from the article "Do you do voodoo".

A voodoo doll is also known as a poppet. It is used in sympathetic magick and is based on the idea that "like creates like." Poppets can be used for healing, love and banishing.

Raymond Buckland recommends the use of poppets in healing spells, and maintains that even the sticking of pins in the poppet can be used for good. He states that if treating someone who experiences back pain, the pins can be inserted in the poppet’s back. After concentrating on a healing ritual, the pins – representing the pain itself – would slowly be drawn out of the poppet. In other words, the sharp pain would be drawn out of the target’s body. Just think about accupuncture here.

A poppet should resemble a person (not a bear like my picture was)... assuming of course that the spell will be used on a person. Now if you wanted to heal a pet then you would want to make it look like the pet in question. And when you create the poppet you create it around a specific person and add in components, like herbs, hair, photograph, etc. that represent that person.

If you are really interested in creating your own voodoo doll and how to properly make it, what colors to use, etc. check out this site. It's kind of entertaining.

Voodoo Doll in Pop Culture

Popular culture has led people to believe that voodoo is evil and is all about causing pain for other people. But it is also not taken seriously and is seen as a joke. For a demonstration just go to this website that is actually sponsored by Progressive Insurance. Progressive even had a commercial a long time ago where the girlfriend is using a voodoo doll to inflict pain on her cheating pain. I wish I could find it... but any ways. There is also a Capital One Commercial seen here that obviously people are not going to take seriously.

Recently I was watching an episode of Criss Angel: Mindfreak that involved a voodoo doll. But it is important to note that it was not a real voodoo doll and he is an illusionist. So again... it is just an example of voodoo being misrepresented in popular culture. That video can also be found here. It is quite interesting.

As I learned you can buy voodoo dolls for just about anything. There was one that was a pink slip voodoo doll. Maybe I should've got that one. There was also a career voodoo doll. Or a computer voodoo doll. The picture is from the World Cup in Germany. You could actually buy a voodoo doll to help your team get to victory.

This year Swatch also included a voodoo doll with their watch for Valentines. There was even a commercial depicting the process of blessing the watch.

Newfound Sense of Freedom

Yesterday started out like any other day... everything in me did not want to get out of bed. I still feel really low on energy. But I crawled out of bed and went to work... only to be returning home about 2 hours later without a job. To most people that would be the worst thing ever and while I wouldn't say I am happy about it I think he did me a favour.

The head of operations was never going to let me advance and was always going to find a reason to hold me back. I still believed in the company and was a bit of an idealist. I just worked on developing the agents and getting the job done. But I was sacrificing myself. Ever since Pat left about 5 months ago it was really starting to get to me. I mean for October I was doing the work of 2 performance coaches. Somehow I managed to get it done. But the workload continued to be too much and we continued to get new agents. I was never going to leave... I didn't leave after my LOA (why I am not sure) and came back in the hopes that things would be better. I should've known better since management hadn't changed. And now I am free.

Probably the best time to be fired... if there is a best time. After all it is tax time and I am getting a refund. Plus I will be getting my pay, and the vacation time. And then there is my RRSP. That was one of the best things I could've done. Now I am pretty sure that I won't be able to cash out the entire thing but the last time I called I believe there was $2000 that I could withdraw. So I'm not that bad off.

And now I can make a decision. I can try and get a job at one of the other call centres in town since I have the experience. I can move to the Belleville area to work there where the cost of living is lower and stay with the tech support. Or I can try and get a job in something else entirely.

It's about new beginnings and starting over. I am taking a couple of days to relax and work on my resume. Then we'll see what happens and take it from there.

What's for Lunch?

Have I mentioned just how helpful Azrael is? Not only does he help me with laundry but he also helps me choose what to eat for lunch. His choice was the bacon. He lost since I need the bacon for lunch tomorrow but any ways... It was a nice try. Fortunately I had just gone shopping so my fridge also doesn't look completely bare in the picture. *lol*

St. Patrick's Day

Today is (or was since it is practically over and will be over by the time this is posted) St. Patrick's Day. I'm not sure anyone celebrates it because of the saint or any religious ties... but rather as an excuse to get drunk and drink green beer. My point is actually not about the holiday but rather about lasting memories and how events can shape your life.

I am not sure how many people... if any... even know this story. There is a reason I don't celebrate St. Patrick's Day... or even want to be reminded of it. 15 years ago (hard to believe it was actually that long ago) I was young and naive... that thought really didn't last long. So what happened back in 1992 when I was 13? I had gone out to meet the guy I was dating. It seemed like a good idea at the time. After all I was still innocent... we went to church together. I never imagined that my day would involve being raped at his hands. My introduction to sex included violence... an association that exists to this day.

I will spare you the details... not that I will ever forget. The mind is a steel trap and some things stay with you for a lifetime. I wish I could forget. A time of innocence lost. And every year on this day I face those memories again. It may not haunt me as much after this long but I certainly don't cheer for St. Patrick's Day. I'd much rather the day just quietly pass by and then be gone. Another year gone by... the wounds may have been reopened but in time they will close leaving nothing but a memory of a lifetime ago.

Cost of Living

On the front page of the Peterborough Examiner yesterday was an article on affordable housing. To check it out click here. It's actually pretty depressing and says a lot about the city. I still remember when I moved to Peterborough. I was homeless and on social assistance. When I was still in London they had told me who to contact about subsidized housing and I was told that I would take priority since I was homeless (if I stayed in London that is). I took a chance and moved to Peterborough. I went down to talk to someone about my housing situation and was told that they don't prioritize for people that are living in shelters, couch surfing, or are out on the streets. To this day that doesn't make a whole lot of sense.

4 months later I was homeless again. Social assistance does offer to pay last months rent but limit it to $300 (or maybe it was $400). They won't help you if you are trying to get into an apartment building because on welfare you won't be able to afford the monthly payments. At this point I had a job but had just started and couldn't afford to pay first and last. So because they wouldn't help me out, in spite of the job, I wound up being homeless again. I was staying on someone's couch. Then I ended up renting a room. It was a pretty sad situation.

According to the article it takes up to 15 years to get subsidized housing here. 15 years... Maybe it's just me but that number seems awfully high. And if you are waiting 15 years for affordable housing what are you supposed to do in the meantime? Peterborough is known for low wages and a relatively high cost of living. There is a huge housing shortage as it is so landlords can charge outrageous amounts for rent. Apparently, Peterborough has one of the highest rates of people who are housing insecure. I am assuming that this means people are struggling with the rental prices. Right now there are 1,469 people on the list and seniors and people waiting for a 1 bedroom unit make up over half the list.

No new housing units have been made in 15 years. Since obviously that means that someone has to move out (or die) before a spot opens up you would think that they would've noticed there was an issue long before now and maybe addressed it. 15 years to wait for affordable housing is a big problem.

The mayor said, "If we can help these underemployed and unemployed people get jobs, decent-paying jobs, then all these things become affordable." It's a nice statement except that Peterborough's economy is largely fueled by call centers and retail... neither of which pay enough to change things. And they're not even counting the working poor that are not on the list for subsidized housing and simply struggle through month after month. People like me.

Other interesting notes... Almost 10% of the population in Peterborough are fed each month by the food bank. Again that number seems to be pretty high. Obviously we have an issue with poverty and people not being able to meet their basic needs.

Also according to the article in 2005 the cost of a 2 bedroom apartment was $797, up from $641 in 1995. I'd like to know where they found an apartment that cheap... unless they are giving the price without utilities. For a two bedroom in 2005 it was costing us $875/month. In a month the rent for my apartment will be going up to $769 and there is nothing I can do since they are allowed to raise the rent annually and it is below the maximum allowable amount. But the prices are comparable to other apartment buildings in the city. The alternative is having a roommate but I really don't like that option, for a number of reasons. I've worked at the same place for 4 years... theoretically I should be able to pay my rent. Well so theory says any ways.

The last point, and the one I found the most interesting, in the article is that an hourly wage of $13.60 or an annual income of $27,880 is needed to rent a one bedroom apartment. Starting wages at most call centers is about $9 an hour. That is a far cry from what is needed. When I started working there I was making $10.30/hour and 4 years later... and with a promotion I am making $14.15. Sure that is almost a 40% increase... but if you need $13.60/hour in order to pay rent... then $14.15 is not enough for the job I do, especially with my student loans. According to the government I make too much money not to pay back my loans (and no matter what only have 5 months of interest relief left) because they don't adjust for cost of living.

Currently I am also putting money into an RRSP which may not be an option once my loan payments have to be made since I won't be able to afford planning for the future. But once you take my RRSP contributions out of the equation my hourly rate actually drops to $12.45/hour plus any deduction the government has, or the cost of the enhanced dental plan. That is well below the $13.60 that they say is needed to rent a one bedroom apartment. $13.60/hour is $1088 a month... and I can pretty much guarantee that an entire paycheque would be going to rent after the government takes out their share.

So I guess that means that companies need to increase wages to account for the cost of living. The alternative is for the city to step in and force apartments to reduce the rental rates which isn't going to happen. After all it is the private sector and the city can't force them to reduce their rents. I highly doubt that it's going to happen but it would be a nice thought. I would like to think that one day I might get paid a wage that actually allows me to pay my bills and demonstrates value for the position I have.

Run Over by a Mac Truck

That's about how I feel at the moment. Ever since I went to the hospital I have felt like I had the flu. Maybe I did pick something up while at the hospital. More likely though it is just a combination of factors. The weather has been really unpredictable over the last week. One day it's nice and warm and the next it's back to being cold and snowing. So my heat is still an issue. I've also been under a lot more stress at work as of late. Well the altercation I had with the Operations Manager is still affecting me. With the Fibromyalgia when I overdo it then I also have this same lack of energy and feel really run down. No desire to eat... I just want to sleep. The fact I've lost 8 pounds in 3 days just makes it that much worse.

In a nutshell I haven't really been taking care of myself. I have been trying to do too much and not taking even a day off work to rest and get better. I keep pushing myself too hard and now feel like I got run over by a Mac Truck. Wonder if I will end up calling in sick... Time will tell.

But seeing as I am off today... Azrael has been doing a fantastic job of making sure I rest. He has spent all day keeping me company while I watch the NCAA basketball games. Azrael keeps curling up on my lap and just lapping up all the attention. When I lay down on the futon he curled up beside me. I ended up having a nap and he curled up on my knees. He seems to be my protector.... looking out for my best interest and reminding me to take a break once in a while.

Dental Work

A year ago I went to the dentist because I was in a lot of pain. I thought I might have an infected tooth. Turns out it was the TMJ in my jaw that had been aggravated. I knew I had a LOT of cavities since I had not been to a dentist in a long time and am prone to them. I also knew that 2 teeth were sensitive and really needed the work done. Skip ahead a year.... I have now spent about $3300 on dental work. Both problem teeth had cavities filled and one had a pin put in. Both of them are still bothering me. And the one that had a pin put in is now disintegrating, literally. There is a crevice in the back of the tooth and it is getting worse all the time. I am waiting for the tooth to split in half.

I know I need to go back to the dentist but it is so expensive... I do have 100% coverage through work (50% for major work... like crowns) but it's not always 100% that is covered. And I feel like it should've been right the first time. Now I am paying for it again... or will be. There is also a lot of pain, even up into my sinuses as a result. I am really scared that they are going to need to crown the tooth since that will cost me about $400. I don't have $400 at the moment... especially with the government hassling me over my student loan.

I truly believe that dental work should be considered part of health care and should have more coverage. After all a lot of people prolong getting work done until it becomes an emergency and then it ends up costing more and they are worse off. Of course I would also like to see dental implants become a viable option... but right now they are considered cosmetic and cost something like $8000 a tooth. Because I am prone to cavities and my teeth didn't really form properly I would gladly have all my teeth taken out and new teeth be surgically implanted (we're not talking dentures here... we're talking grafted in). Then I wouldn't have to worry about them any more and would only have to pay once.... not constantly be putting out more money. Of course I would have to be really rich in order to afford it... but I can dream.

New Beginnings

I always see the beginning of the year as a time of new beginnings. The old year is done and a new one is just beginning. Out with the old and in with the new. Christie was commenting that it has been a rough beginning to the year so far with my health and my family. With the exception of maybe 2003 this is probably the best beginning to a year since I moved to Peterborough. Maybe that should tell me something. Let's recap:

2003

At the beginning of 2003 I went back to school. I started at Trent, working towards my biology degree. I was working part time while in school so I had money coming in, plus the student loan. Aside from having pneumonia things were going pretty good.

2004

At the end of 2003 I had the flu. I spent the first 3 months of 2004 still recovering from it. I had lost a great deal of weight and just didn't get better. I ended up failing a course and dropped out of school. It was the beginning of 2004 when I had to put Tigger down... a tough time for me. Plus my landlord's son was stealing from me so I really had to get out of where I was living.

2005

My relationship ended and Adam had a psychotic episode leaving me scared for my safety until I moved out and had a new place to live. Maslow was right when he said that safety was your number 1 need. It takes a lot of energy when you have no idea what's going to happen and you have to have someone on speed dial in case you need to leave in the middle of the night. The only good news (or looking back maybe bad news... maybe I should've held off with the promotion) is that I got the performance coach position at the beginning of 2005. Not sure if they were just sick of me constantly applying or if they actually thought I could do the job. I was also given a team... that would turn out to be a huge mistake and would be very costly for a LONG time.

2006

I spent the beginning of 2006 off work, and not by choice either. I was forced onto an LOA for mental health reasons. It was a very brutal time and I won't go into it again. If you want to read about it I have a blog with all the details. As relaxing as it was supposed to be it was an extremely stressful time. I had no idea if I would have a job when I came back or what to expect. As far as I knew I was going back to the same team. I had to seriously contemplate whether or not to come back. And I had no income the entire time I was off. I finally got my EI after I had returned to work. The best news when I came back was that I was being moved to another team but even then I didn't know what to expect. People were trying to make me paranoid and were telling me that I was being closely monitored and if i fucked up again I'd be out the door. The first couple of months after I came back were still pretty stressful.

2007

I have been sick for the last month... but my health is an ongoing issue. I was born with respiratory distress so every winter I tend to be sick. At least this year I haven't had bronchitis. The Fibromyalgia doesn't help either. I don't have the flu so I can live with it. The big one is obviously my family. My parents are getting divorced and so now I am trying to make sense of that. I am just dreading the long, drawn out fight that it will likely become. But since they were living in different provinces it wasn't entirely unexpected. On a positive note I receieved a letter from my biological mother and she wants contact... I had prepared myself for nothing... so this is a big deal.

So far I would say that 2007 is the best year, at least since 2003. Why is there always so much drama in my life? *lol* I could really do with some peace and quiet....

Apartment Part 2....

You know you live in the ghetto when...

• Someones tries to burn down the building by lighting the recycling on fire.
• You come home from work at night and are surprised not to see cop cars outside the building.
• Despite repeated requests to fix repairs the superintendent just ignores the request.
• When they do come in to fix something the superintendent is genuinely surprised that you hold a job and are not home during the day.
• The water is constantly being shut off to do repairs... guess the repairs just aren't being done right the first time.
• In spite of the fact you pay your rent on time the landlord sends a notice that you haven't paid your rent on time and tries to extort more money out of you. Maybe it's because I'm not supplying them with drugs like most of the other tenants.
• The concrete starts to crumble and to save money the landlord uses green steel barriers to fix it instead of concrete
• They have to offer a discount for paying your rent on time because not enough people do
• But the biggest way to tell you live in a ghetto is when you come out of the elevator and realize that your neighbours door was removed courtesy of the police battering ram and the tenant is no longer a resident there
  

Laundry Time

I'm sure some of you would wonder why I am even posting about laundry... No I didn't decide to wash my PDA again... or my cell phone... or anything other then the clothes. It's St. Patrick's Day and since I live in a ghetto building figured everyone would be too busy drinking, or getting stoned to do laundry. Apparently that was too much to hope for. It has taken me all day to do one load of laundry... that's how busy it is. Granted my day started at noon... but any ways. I can still say the building is ghetto though. A couple of the dryers don't work and one of the washing machines flooded (or maybe it was the drain that backed up) so the floor there is covered in water. I hate doing laundry here. I keep wondering if the equipment will break down... or if my clothes will be stolen while I am not there. The good news is that my lease is almost up... and while I am not planning to move at the moment (I really don't want to be stuck in a lease, even if it is just temporarily) it is nice to know that I do have that option. Now by next fall I might seriously be considering it since they still have not fixed the heat. Can I just say the building has charm or perhaps character? Hmm... maybe not... It's still the ghetto.

Almost Ready to Throw in the Towel

The way this week is going I am almost ready to throw in the towel. I get home tonight and was going to have a hot shower... There was a sign up downstairs saying that the water was going to be turned off tomorrow morning (much like it was this morning) but they didn't say anything about tonight. I had no hot water at all. So much for that thought.

I've been struggling a lot this week with my blood sugar. I think because I had a few days there where I wasn't keeping anything down it's throwing everything out of whack. Plus my current stress level. I'm not eating enough and am running low on energy so I don't want to eat. I think I need a vacation... or at least some down time.... I just don't see it happening.

I came home to a letter from the National Student Loan Center saying that I was behind in my payments, which is true. Courtesy of the fight I have going with them over interest relief I am behind on my payments. But according to them I am 2 payments behind and it should only be one. In January I was on interest relief and that leaves February. March's payment is actually due at the end of the month. So they are compounding the stress I was already feeling. And I know if I pay them I'll never get the money back.

Next to family the big thing right now is work. I am the most frustrated I have been in a long time... probably since my LOA. It seems like nothing I do is good enough. Overworked and underpaid... and definitely not given enough appreciation. I come in day in and day out and for what? We won't meet our mandate this month... it won't even be close. So we'll be hearing about that at the end of the month. We never really hear about it when we meet the mandate but will be asked to explain it this time around. The first two years I was there I was a golden child. Then I dropped out of school to work here full time and it went downhill from there. I moved to a team where the manager had the tendency to keep an eye on you... and a close eye at that. My mistake was commenting that he was out to get me. That got me in the bad books of the current head of Operations and it has been a rough road ever since. He held me back for performance coach. I'm nothing if not persistent though. I refused to quit... and applied again. When I did get the position they thought Chris and I would blend well... in spite of the fact our personalities are complete opposites. Obviously that went well... so well I got sent on an LOA. But I still came back. I'm like the dog that you just kick and they keep coming back for more. I will not quit. I got told when I came back it was like a new beginning... which was complete bullshit. Everything that happened before the LOA still counts against me, even though the doctor they sent me to said I was suffering from clinical depression. So much for the new beginning. I was held back from applying for anything... or correction I could apply but it wouldn't go anywhere. Then I said something stupid without thinking... and it was taken the wrong way and back on disciplinary action. Another 6 months before I can apply for anything. And even those postings that don't involve disciplinary action I can't apply for. I got to find that out today. The 8 week leadership course won't be happening... Christie is not putting my name forward. That was tough. It seems like no matter what I do I am being held back. Maybe it is fate but it seems like I have to fight for everything there... and I feel like I won't make it past this point. I feel like I've been black listed and have a very difficult road ahead of me if I continue to fight.

But I am an idealist. I still believe in the company and I keep thinking that it will get better... and if I just stick it out then I will eventually get to where I want to be. Or maybe I am just a glutton for punishment. I'm like most people though... You don't want to look elsewhere when you have steady income and I do make more then at other call centers in the area. Not to mention the fact that if I was job hunting I would want to get the hell out of Peterborough. I hate it here.... And for now am frustrated enough to cry.

“An optimist is a person who sees only the lights in the picture, whereas a pessimist sees only the shadows. An idealist, however, is one who sees the light and the shadows but, in addition, sees something else; the possibility of changing the picture, of making the lights prevail over the shadows.” —Felix Adler

Family Ties

"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end" This seems to be a really weird time... or at least the last week any ways. It started with dad's announcement about the divorce. Kinda put me into a bit of a tailspin as I am still trying to make sense of it and put the pieces together. As I posted about before it's like a jigsaw.

I talked to mom yesterday and she did know about it. Dad finally called her and while she has not received the letter yet she at least knows about it. I think it bothered her that the kids knew before she did... and rightly so. Again, time will tell what happens. So that is coming to an and and only time will tell what will rise from the ashes. It really does change the family dynamic.

But there is also a new beginning.... both in the relationship with my parents... since if they are not together that will obviously change how I see them and my interactions with them.

There is another new beginning in the works as well. Today I received a letter from my biological mother. Talk about a twist of fate. Have I mentioned yet that my head is just spinning? I feel like I am on overload and just can't process anything any more. I knew as soon as I saw the envelope who it was from. No one ever writes me *lol* I called Suzanne before I even opened it because I knew she would want to know.

Where one thing comes to an end a new door opens. What is behind that door remains to be seen.

Insane or Just Dedicated?

I am currently trying to decide if I am completely insane or just dedicated. I went to the hospital last night. I got there at 2:15 a.m. and was actually out of there at 3:15. I am thinking that might have been a bad thing. Any later and I would've just called work and slept all day. Instead I had the thought that I could almost get 8 hours of sleep and then get up, pick up the prescription and go to work. So that was exactly what I did. And right now I am so worn out it's not even funny.

All day I just felt like my head was spinning. I just felt completely overwhelmed by the amount of work we need to do by the end of the month. It was also really warm so I was having trouble with my blood sugar all day. I didn't get much accomplished so I am not sure that it was worth going on. I mean I got some administrative tasks out of the way... but that was about it. About halfway through the day I wanted to go home and have a drink... it was not a good day.

And of course I wasn't really on the medication either since the prescription was for a nasal spray. So all I was taking is the decongestant. Not the best plan let me tell you. Now I will be heading to bed shortly and am hoping that actually being able to get 8 hours of sleep will be beneficial.

In Sickness & in Health

I am finally so fed up with being sick that I am heading down to the ER. I am really dreading the thought since I don't like sitting around there waiting. Not to mention the hospital always seems run down and filthy. Not what you expect from a hospital. I really miss being in London for many reasons... health care is one of them.

I kept thinking that I was just going to get better... After all it's just a cold. But after a month I am still congested and fighting with sinus pressure and pain. It's been pretty miserable. My sinuses on the right hand side are actually swollen. I have tried so many different things to clear it up: hot showers, saline nasal spray, Nyquil, Dayquil, and Vicks vapoinhaler. None of them have had any effect. And you get to the point where buying more over the counter medication is just pointless.

Ever since Thursday I've not been able to keep anything down either... Well I could eat sandwiches for lunch... but no matter what I was eating for dinner it wasn't being digested properly. And you can really only go through that for so long.

The worst part is that I was actually going to go to the hospital after work tonight so that I could make it to work tomorrow. Now that is dedication. But the lineup was to the door... and that was just for the triage. So I decided to go home and have dinner. Taking it easy and resting... Then I am going back to the hospital later tonight. Definitely not making it to work tomorrow. Gonna focus on getting better and just rest. So unlike me *LOL*

Kitty Therapy

How could you possibly resist him? Yesterday I was taking it easy and resting. I was also remembering just how therapeutic a cat can be. Sure they are independent creatures and like things to be on their terms... but they also read your moods and can be a big suck. I was just watching TV and he came over and snuggled right in with me. Then "helped" me with laundry. Also known as... he curled up in the pile of clean clothes and attacked me if I tried to take any of it away. As you can tell from the pictures he still hadn't let me make the bed... Then it was more cuddle time with mommy. When I woke up this morning he was using my leg as a pillow and then came to visit me for some attention. He knows when the alarm goes off he'll get plenty of attention. Then I finally got up and got ready for work. Right now he is a little more distant but still beside me on the futon. It was exactly what I needed since it has been a rough week. God bless pet therapy! :o)

Baby Pics

Three Days Grace - Pain

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

You're sick of feeling numb
You're not the only one
I'll take you by the hand
And I'll show you a world that you can understand
This life is filled with hurt
When happiness doesn't work
Trust me and take my hand
When the lights go out you will understand

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

Anger and agony
Are better than misery
Trust me I've got a plan
When the lights go off you will understand

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing
Rather feel pain

I know (I know I know I know I know)
That you're wounded
You know (You know you know you know you know)
That I'm here to save you
You know (You know you know you know you know)
I'm always here for you
I know (I know I know I know I know)
That you'll thank me later

Pain, without love
Pain, can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Rather feel pain than nothing at all
Rather feel pain

Land of Confusion

Okay so the title comes from a Genesis song that was later remade by Disturbed. But that is sort of how I am feeling at the moment. And it all stems from dad's announcement. There are just some lingering, unanswered questions. We all want to make sense of our world and put the pieces together to accomplish that.

Why? Or at least why now? A decade ago I thought they would get divorced and they stayed together. When I left for university they decided to move out West. Again I thought they would get divorced. Instead mom left her family and followed dad out there. Okay so mom is currently in Ontario and dad is still out in BC... Dad commented on how things hadn't been working between then and how this way they would be free to enjoy their own life. I can't help but wonder if dad met someone else... If not... then why this sudden decision?

He said that mom wasn't listening. Maybe it wasn't a question of her listening but the fact she wanted to stay together. I mean did he expect her to just agree to it and be passive about it? So now she is going to hear about it in a letter instead.

He also cancelled our vacation.... He wanted the kids to come out there to visit and now decided that wasn't going to work. Gave nothing more then a half assed reason. I can't help but feel a small sense of rejection from that. To me that would be a time when I want to be with family. I haven't seen him since 2001 and he has never met his grand-daughter. And now it's not going to be happening.

I certainly feel a sense of emptiness right now. And now I am just trying to put the jigsaw puzzle together and make sense of it all. Easier said then done. I just can't seem to wrap my head around it at the moment. It really is a land of confusion.

*Sigh*

Today was not one of those good days.... I am still not 100% and this cold is just dragging on. I hauled my ass out of bed and made my way to work. The first thing I did was apply for a leadership training course at work. What I had just discovered is that I also needed a reference check and Christie was nowhere to be found. She had called in sick today after having dental surgery. I emailed the recruiter since I didn't know she was off. For some reason we seemed to be lacking in managers. So I went and asked Kevin about it. He said he would get back to me. About an hour later the Ops manager comes down and hovers by Christie's desk. Mike was hassling me about waiting for the last minute to apply for the position. Now I haven't even seen Christie in a week and have been sick... so give me a break. He went off on a huge tangent about it... It was pretty demoralizing and was done on the floor in front of everyone. Then he went and praised Dave for getting the reference check in already... meanwhile he hadn't even finished writing his essay yet and didn't know that his manager had submitted it. WTF? Some days I hate my job... and hate this company. Today is one of those days. If I had a better job... or even another job with the same pay.... I would leave. That was my conclusion.

And then... just when you thought it can't get much worse... I got off work and my phone was ringing. Since I hadn't left the building I let it go to voicemail. It was dad... and dad doesn't generally call just to talk. His message was to call back if I got home early enough. So I called... and got told that he had asked my mom for a divorce. Now that in and of itself would not have been a big deal. Currently dad is in BC with his family and mom is here in Ontario with her mom. I knew that grandma (on my dad's side) had really been pushing for this. But he didn't even have the balls to call mom. According to Suzanne he said she wouldn't listen. Instead... he sent her a letter. He wanted us to find out from him. That really angered me though... To send a letter. That's almost as good as just sending an email. Throughout the call he basically blamed mom for not making an effort and not going back to BC. Now she has made an effort to be there for her mom... and for her grand-daughter. And she tried to get dad to come here to at least visit and he refused. Suzanne was already planning to come up to Peterborough but is holding off until the end of the week so that mom will hopefully have received the letter before then. Yes... at it stands right now the kids know... but mom is still in the dark. How cruel is that? Just a perfect ending to the day.

I don't think I really have much more to say at this point then just *sigh*

Love Profile

Scorpio - Your Love Profile

Your positive traits: You're red hot passion makes anyone you date feel extremely wanted Loyalty, to the point of doing anything to protect your lover You are mysterious and charismatic - and you easily draw people in Your negative traits: You tend to be paranoid and think that the worst is going on with your lover You turn cold and mean at the first sign of conflict in relationship You sometimes become obsessed with dates - so much so that you develop jealousy early on Your ideal partner: Someone who will take the time to win you over. Not an easy task! Is able to keep up with your carnal appetite... lots of stamina needed. Reassures you of their love and loyalty on a daily basis. Your dating style: Intense. You prefer to stay in with take out and conversation - so that no one else is distracting you and your date. Your seduction style: Hot. New partners have trouble believing that your libido is for real. You have incredible sexual intuition - you always know what your lover craves A bit bossy. You know what you want, and you certainly aren't afraid to ask for it. Tips for the future: Don't be so secretive with your love - they want you the way you are Let go of your jealousy. Your partner has chosen *you* Spend more time alone, doing things you love. It will help you be less obsessive. Best color to attract mate: Dark red Best day for a date: Tuesday

What's Your Love Profile?

F'ing Student Loans

So I finally call the National Student Loans Center to see what they wanted. Surprise, surprise... I was denied my request for interest relief because they seem to think I make too much money. When I ask how much I am allowed to make I was told $2201 a month. I know from their income charts that I am allowed to make $2378. This tells me that once again they are not taking into account my Royal Bank loan. Then they told me I had to appeal it... They gave me no other options and refused to even look into it for me. So it looks like I will be calling them back tomorrow. As if that wasn't bad enough the rep then asked me if I was going to bring my loan up to date by making the payment. They won't give me the money back if I do... And it's like a kick in the teeth when I know I make less then the maximum allowable to qualify for interest relief. Hell I even sent in the paper work for the Royal Bank loan in the hopes I wouldn't have to go through this again. Not to mention all the time and energy I have to spend getting them to correct their own mistakes. This is a never ending war.... Granted I only have 5 months left of interest relief but still. I would like to get the most out of it... especially if I ever want to try and qualify for debt reduction. Aaaagghhhh!!! Make it stop.

Baked Kitty

When I was at Zellers today I bought Azrael a cat toy and a brush that you put on the wall. I had one for Tigger and found that cats love it, especially since it also has catnip. Sure enough, as soon as possible he had the bag of catnip and was trying to get into it. Then he attacked me for it and went nuts for the brush when I did get it on the wall. Now he is a little stoned. My little drug addict *lol*

Tax Man Cometh

I got my T4 today and decided to enter it in... Looks like I am getting back $950. Not too shabby.... Last year I got a lot more back but money is still money. Had I not been on EI and had I not cashed in part of my RRSP I would've got more money back. I blame the government and the National Student Loan Center for forcing me to cash in my RRSPs. But I am still happy about the $950. Now I can pay for the hotel room for my trip to Montreal and have one less thing to worry about. And can pay bills and all that jazz. Last year I got to have fun with my tax return by buying the MacBook Pro. This year it will be for paying off those debts instead of creating new ones *lol* But I gotta call the government and see if I can get a new Netfile code... I really can't find mine. Otherwise I'll just have to print it off and send it in.

One of Those Days

Today was just one of those days... you know those days when you just should not get out of bed. It took all my energy just to get out of bed this morning.... Anything else was asking a bit much. I had no time to make lunch because I was barely hanging on and was running late as it was. I get to work and I know I have a meeting as soon as my shift starts. But I forgot to grab a cold can of Coke before I left the house and have none at work. I borrow money off John and head off for the vending machine. I press the button and it doesn't appear to be sold out. So I put the money in and press the button. Then I realize that it does say it's sold out. Without thinking (some days I wonder about my IQ... since there are definitely times when I am not the sharpest tool in the shed) I pressed the button below it thinking it also had Coke. Too bad I didn't look at it first. Maybe it was a root beer... or orange... or something I would actually drink. Nope... It was a Diet Coke. 'Cuz I really need to diet *lol* Then I had to get money from someone else to actually get the Coke. That's when I knew it was going to be one of those days....

The Ongoing Saga of the Student Loan

In case you are wondering I still have no idea what they wanted. It took all my energy just to get out of bed this morning.... Needless to say calling them was just not a priority. I'll call them on Tuesday when I have a day off and a little more time to fight with them. I don't imagine that it will be a short conversation or have good news... But we'll see.

National Student Loan Centre

Yesterday I got a call from the National Student Loans Centre telling me they had important information about my student loan. It is never a good thing when they call, especially since I am still waiting for word on my interest relief. I didn't get around to calling them yesterday. I called today and the office was closed due to inclement weather. Now... we never close for weather... which was the first thing that came to mind. Hell we have massive flooding and the city is considered to be in a national state of emergency and they still call to ask you to come into work. So now I have to call them back to find out what they want... I'm a little concerned about it since I have had nothing but hassles with them. Nothing ever goes smoothly and it's like a mini war.

Tax Season

It's about that time again... time to do the taxes. Usually my taxes are pretty straight forward.... I have my income, rent and tuition that is carried forward. This year there were medical expenses, EI from my LOA, interest payments on my student loan and then the RRSP that I cashed in a couple of months ago. At the moment the only thing I am waiting on is my T4 from work. But I installed QuickTax on my computer and entered in everything else. I can already predict that I won't do as well this year as I did last year when my tax return was $3000. I am actually wondering if I am going to end up owing money because of the EI and the RRSP. Won't know until I actually have my T4 though. I should be getting that one any day now since they had to be mailed by February 28th. I also have to find my Netfile information.... I seem to have misplaced that somewhere. Glad to have the rest of the information entered in though. Calculating medical expenses is not a fun job. Hopefully I am getting a refund... I could really use the money. Who couldn't?

Winter Wonderland

As I look out the window I am greeted by a winter wonderland. We're back to being blanketed by snow. Since it's March 1 I would really like to be seeing something other then snow. Even though it has been a short winter I want it over. Yesterday it felt like spring... There was sunshine and it was bright. I was in a good mood... in spite of being sick. Today it's darker, colder and the snow is falling. All I want to do is go back to bed. It really is amazing what a difference the weather makes on your mood.