I always see the beginning of the year as a time of new beginnings. The old year is done and a new one is just beginning. Out with the old and in with the new. Christie was commenting that it has been a rough beginning to the year so far with my health and my family. With the exception of maybe 2003 this is probably the best beginning to a year since I moved to Peterborough. Maybe that should tell me something. Let's recap:
2003
At the beginning of 2003 I went back to school. I started at Trent, working towards my biology degree. I was working part time while in school so I had money coming in, plus the student loan. Aside from having pneumonia things were going pretty good.
2004
At the end of 2003 I had the flu. I spent the first 3 months of 2004 still recovering from it. I had lost a great deal of weight and just didn't get better. I ended up failing a course and dropped out of school. It was the beginning of 2004 when I had to put Tigger down... a tough time for me. Plus my landlord's son was stealing from me so I really had to get out of where I was living.
2005
My relationship ended and Adam had a psychotic episode leaving me scared for my safety until I moved out and had a new place to live. Maslow was right when he said that safety was your number 1 need. It takes a lot of energy when you have no idea what's going to happen and you have to have someone on speed dial in case you need to leave in the middle of the night. The only good news (or looking back maybe bad news... maybe I should've held off with the promotion) is that I got the performance coach position at the beginning of 2005. Not sure if they were just sick of me constantly applying or if they actually thought I could do the job. I was also given a team... that would turn out to be a huge mistake and would be very costly for a LONG time.
2006
I spent the beginning of 2006 off work, and not by choice either. I was forced onto an LOA for mental health reasons. It was a very brutal time and I won't go into it again. If you want to read about it I have a blog with all the details. As relaxing as it was supposed to be it was an extremely stressful time. I had no idea if I would have a job when I came back or what to expect. As far as I knew I was going back to the same team. I had to seriously contemplate whether or not to come back. And I had no income the entire time I was off. I finally got my EI after I had returned to work. The best news when I came back was that I was being moved to another team but even then I didn't know what to expect. People were trying to make me paranoid and were telling me that I was being closely monitored and if i fucked up again I'd be out the door. The first couple of months after I came back were still pretty stressful.
2007
I have been sick for the last month... but my health is an ongoing issue. I was born with respiratory distress so every winter I tend to be sick. At least this year I haven't had bronchitis. The Fibromyalgia doesn't help either. I don't have the flu so I can live with it. The big one is obviously my family. My parents are getting divorced and so now I am trying to make sense of that. I am just dreading the long, drawn out fight that it will likely become. But since they were living in different provinces it wasn't entirely unexpected. On a positive note I receieved a letter from my biological mother and she wants contact... I had prepared myself for nothing... so this is a big deal.
So far I would say that 2007 is the best year, at least since 2003. Why is there always so much drama in my life? *lol* I could really do with some peace and quiet....
Showing posts with label Adam. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Adam. Show all posts
Saturday, March 17, 2007
Friday, February 09, 2007
In More Mundane News
I was at work the other day and someone felt the need to tell me that Adam and I looked really cute together at the Christmas party. They tried to tell me we should get back together (You hear that Adam? *lol*). I'm not even sure why it came up in conversation. It was pretty random. Spent about 10 minutes trying to tell me that. So there ya go... It must be true. *lol*
Sunday, June 18, 2006
Drunken Conversations
It's probably not a good idea to call someone when you're drunk. Fortunately, I manage not to pick up the phone but that's not true for everyone. I am still wondering if I should tell Adam what he actually said when he called me.... Since he seems to have no recollection. Or perhaps I should just keep it to myself as part of my own memories and leave it be. I'm not even sure why I was thinking of that since it was a while ago... just one of those random thoughts.
Saturday, June 10, 2006
Hiding Behind a Mask
I've come to the conclusion that I don't need to watch soap operas. My life always seems to have enough excitement in it. I suppose the upside is there there is never a dull moment. But some days I would like peace and quiet.
The other day I had someone say I look more relaxed at work. Yes the LOA did some good things for me... it wasn't all good... but it did give me a chance to get some rest. Aside from that it's actually surprising that I look more relaxed. Guess I do a good job, most of the time, of hiding behind a mask. I know we all wear them at times to hide from people or to hide from the truth. For the most part I try to leave everything at home before going to work but that's not always possible. Of course, even when I do show the stress I make it appear like it's related to work. But again that is just a mask. I know I can get the work done... well along with Pat I can any ways. Yes I'd like more time for training but in terms of the mandate it will get done. The truth is (and you'll probably never hear me admit to this again) that I am scared to death. Fear of the unknown.... fear of the consequences.... I am so used to being the strong one... the survivor.... and now that may not be possible. I'm not as strong as I thought I was.
I also feel extremely alone and isolated right now. I know that everyone has been sympathetic to the fact I likely have to have a bone marrow biopsy done and have been trying to tell me it's likely something small. Yes I am comforted by the fact they didn't feel I need emergency treatment but it's a small comfort. And no one really understands what I am going through. I don't look sick so people don't realize what I'm going through. There's the chronic pain from the fibromyalgia. Any idea what it's like waking up in the morning in pain and going to bed still in pain? A life ruled by pain.... but you never look sick. I still look relatively healthy. Add to that 2 years of fatigue. Fatigue that has caused me to completely withdraw from everything. Imagine, for a moment, what it is like to go to work for 8.5 hours, come home and be too tired to cook dinner. It's not like I work in a factory or anything that is labour intensive. In that respect I have a pretty cushy job. Even if I do have the energy to cook I run out of energy while eating. It's a rough place to be. I am still too prideful to admit I need help.
As I have said before I had the bloodwork done in February (or maybe March) from the rheumatologist. They had to repeat the tests. The results came back the same. My white blood cell count and my platelet count were both low. I suspect that when they redid the tests in May my red blood cell count was also low. When they did the first tests I was taking 6x the recommended dose of iron and the results only came back as being normal, not high. My family doctor said they "wanted to check to make sure the bone marrow was still producing blood cells." Now the fact that is even a question is pretty frightening. If it were just one blood line that came up low then it would be more likely that it is a vitamin deficiency or something minor. But it's not. There aren't nearly as many things that cause more then one to be low. I have to go back to the rheumatologist but I have no idea if he got the results from the third test. A month later and the fear has not gone away or lessened any.
If that wasn't enough Adam stopped by with mail today. One of the items was from the cancer research society and it said that 1 in Canadians will be diagnosed with cancer. Now that's inspiring. Definitely not going to reduce the anxiety level and fear with that news. Since as much as I want to deny it that is one of the many possibilities.
And now it's time to put the mask back on. The one that says everything is fine... I'm doing okay... and I am strong. No fear, right?
The other day I had someone say I look more relaxed at work. Yes the LOA did some good things for me... it wasn't all good... but it did give me a chance to get some rest. Aside from that it's actually surprising that I look more relaxed. Guess I do a good job, most of the time, of hiding behind a mask. I know we all wear them at times to hide from people or to hide from the truth. For the most part I try to leave everything at home before going to work but that's not always possible. Of course, even when I do show the stress I make it appear like it's related to work. But again that is just a mask. I know I can get the work done... well along with Pat I can any ways. Yes I'd like more time for training but in terms of the mandate it will get done. The truth is (and you'll probably never hear me admit to this again) that I am scared to death. Fear of the unknown.... fear of the consequences.... I am so used to being the strong one... the survivor.... and now that may not be possible. I'm not as strong as I thought I was.
I also feel extremely alone and isolated right now. I know that everyone has been sympathetic to the fact I likely have to have a bone marrow biopsy done and have been trying to tell me it's likely something small. Yes I am comforted by the fact they didn't feel I need emergency treatment but it's a small comfort. And no one really understands what I am going through. I don't look sick so people don't realize what I'm going through. There's the chronic pain from the fibromyalgia. Any idea what it's like waking up in the morning in pain and going to bed still in pain? A life ruled by pain.... but you never look sick. I still look relatively healthy. Add to that 2 years of fatigue. Fatigue that has caused me to completely withdraw from everything. Imagine, for a moment, what it is like to go to work for 8.5 hours, come home and be too tired to cook dinner. It's not like I work in a factory or anything that is labour intensive. In that respect I have a pretty cushy job. Even if I do have the energy to cook I run out of energy while eating. It's a rough place to be. I am still too prideful to admit I need help.
As I have said before I had the bloodwork done in February (or maybe March) from the rheumatologist. They had to repeat the tests. The results came back the same. My white blood cell count and my platelet count were both low. I suspect that when they redid the tests in May my red blood cell count was also low. When they did the first tests I was taking 6x the recommended dose of iron and the results only came back as being normal, not high. My family doctor said they "wanted to check to make sure the bone marrow was still producing blood cells." Now the fact that is even a question is pretty frightening. If it were just one blood line that came up low then it would be more likely that it is a vitamin deficiency or something minor. But it's not. There aren't nearly as many things that cause more then one to be low. I have to go back to the rheumatologist but I have no idea if he got the results from the third test. A month later and the fear has not gone away or lessened any.
If that wasn't enough Adam stopped by with mail today. One of the items was from the cancer research society and it said that 1 in Canadians will be diagnosed with cancer. Now that's inspiring. Definitely not going to reduce the anxiety level and fear with that news. Since as much as I want to deny it that is one of the many possibilities.
And now it's time to put the mask back on. The one that says everything is fine... I'm doing okay... and I am strong. No fear, right?
Saturday, June 03, 2006
When it Rains...
it pours... Ever since I moved to Peterborough it has been anything but easy. Not to say London was easy street but it was a lot smoother then Peterborough has been. About the only good part is the job. Sure there is stress but I have worked there for 3.5 years and it's been pretty stable overall.
I moved to Peterborough because I was homeless and had nowhere to go. Right after I started working here I was homeless again. Spent a week couch surfing at one place and then was couch surfing at another location. That one turned into me getting a bedroom there where I stayed for a little over a year. It was definitely not paradise. I was embarrased to have anyone over to the house. I only had my room to hide in. At one point I had $1000 worth of DVDs stolen and since he was a young offender he just got a warning. I got half of them back but was out the cost of the rest of them. And just before I moved out the landlord's son was stealing from me. I moved into Adam's which wasn't necessarily such a good idea... but I had to get out of there. Eventually I moved to Time Square... and then was I was changing apartments there it went to hell and I ended up here in Talwood. So the housing situation has definitely been a rough road.
My health has also been a rocky road. When I was in London I still had good medical care since I was at school. I had been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and was receiving treatment for it. I was in physiotherapy until I was forced to leave London. The next step would've have been a full treatment program, including aquatherapy. When I moved to Peterborough I lost the health care so the only thing I was getting treated was the flu and bronchitis. When I attempted to get treatment for the fibromylgia I was given a few different answers: "It doesn't exist", "I can't deal with that I am just an ER doctor", and "you will never get treated for it in Peterborough." So 4 years of not bing treated led to a great deal of pain, sheer exhaustion and "brain fog." Fortunately, that is now being treated but my doctor is not in Peterborough. I have to drive to Pickering to see him. In one year I had both pneumonia, the flu, and 4 cases of bronchitis. Lost a lot of time at work... and when I had the flu I lost 20 pounds and I'm not sure I ever completely recovered. I think my health suffered because of the living conditions at the time. The house was filthy and on top of that my landlord was smoking 2 packs a day in the house. Plus I was smoking. Nathan was smoking too... but usually those weren't cigarettes. So the air quality left something to be desired. I'm also wondering if that contributed to Tigger's death. But I'll never know for sure. Even when I was at Times Square the air quality didn't seem to be all that good.
And then there were the relationships.... definitely not stable. The first relationship was with Jamie... who I left for Adam. I'm still amazed that we were together for a year and still don't understand why he stayed. I destroyed that relationship in the end. And I don't think he'll ever tell me why he stayed... Then there was Tristan. I'm not even sure what to say about that relationship other then that it was short-lived. My exhaustion was also playing a role in that relationship. If he spent the night then I was waking up constantly and it was making me even more tired and irritable. But this time that isn't what ended the relationship. He owed money to the wrong people and they threatened to harm me. So he never gave me the chance to decided whether or not to stay... he just bailed. Maybe I should give up on relationships. Been single for 7 months and I doubt that is going to change.
When I first moved to Peterborough the only thing I wanted to do is go back to London. And now I've been here for almost 4 years. There are some days I wish I had just gone back to London and taken my chances. I don't know if I would've been better off... but at least some of what has happened since I moved here wouldn't have (No stalker... No date rape... etc.) Regardless I can't take it back... I can only look to the future.
I moved to Peterborough because I was homeless and had nowhere to go. Right after I started working here I was homeless again. Spent a week couch surfing at one place and then was couch surfing at another location. That one turned into me getting a bedroom there where I stayed for a little over a year. It was definitely not paradise. I was embarrased to have anyone over to the house. I only had my room to hide in. At one point I had $1000 worth of DVDs stolen and since he was a young offender he just got a warning. I got half of them back but was out the cost of the rest of them. And just before I moved out the landlord's son was stealing from me. I moved into Adam's which wasn't necessarily such a good idea... but I had to get out of there. Eventually I moved to Time Square... and then was I was changing apartments there it went to hell and I ended up here in Talwood. So the housing situation has definitely been a rough road.
My health has also been a rocky road. When I was in London I still had good medical care since I was at school. I had been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and was receiving treatment for it. I was in physiotherapy until I was forced to leave London. The next step would've have been a full treatment program, including aquatherapy. When I moved to Peterborough I lost the health care so the only thing I was getting treated was the flu and bronchitis. When I attempted to get treatment for the fibromylgia I was given a few different answers: "It doesn't exist", "I can't deal with that I am just an ER doctor", and "you will never get treated for it in Peterborough." So 4 years of not bing treated led to a great deal of pain, sheer exhaustion and "brain fog." Fortunately, that is now being treated but my doctor is not in Peterborough. I have to drive to Pickering to see him. In one year I had both pneumonia, the flu, and 4 cases of bronchitis. Lost a lot of time at work... and when I had the flu I lost 20 pounds and I'm not sure I ever completely recovered. I think my health suffered because of the living conditions at the time. The house was filthy and on top of that my landlord was smoking 2 packs a day in the house. Plus I was smoking. Nathan was smoking too... but usually those weren't cigarettes. So the air quality left something to be desired. I'm also wondering if that contributed to Tigger's death. But I'll never know for sure. Even when I was at Times Square the air quality didn't seem to be all that good.
And then there were the relationships.... definitely not stable. The first relationship was with Jamie... who I left for Adam. I'm still amazed that we were together for a year and still don't understand why he stayed. I destroyed that relationship in the end. And I don't think he'll ever tell me why he stayed... Then there was Tristan. I'm not even sure what to say about that relationship other then that it was short-lived. My exhaustion was also playing a role in that relationship. If he spent the night then I was waking up constantly and it was making me even more tired and irritable. But this time that isn't what ended the relationship. He owed money to the wrong people and they threatened to harm me. So he never gave me the chance to decided whether or not to stay... he just bailed. Maybe I should give up on relationships. Been single for 7 months and I doubt that is going to change.
When I first moved to Peterborough the only thing I wanted to do is go back to London. And now I've been here for almost 4 years. There are some days I wish I had just gone back to London and taken my chances. I don't know if I would've been better off... but at least some of what has happened since I moved here wouldn't have (No stalker... No date rape... etc.) Regardless I can't take it back... I can only look to the future.
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
Denial
I'm sure we've all had those moments where we wish we could go back in time and change things. Right now I am definitely having one of those moments. I've known I was sick for a very long time now. I just kept on denying it.
It all started in November of 2003. I celebrated my birthday and the next day felt like I had the flu. I would up at the hospital and they said it was the flu. I couldn't eat and spent most of my time in bed. I lost about 20 pounds and couldn't seem to recover. I wound up back at the hospital and they said to eat McDonald's. At 70 pounds your body is in survival mode more then anything else. I stopped going to class and was going to work three days a week so I wouldn't get fired. Lost the semester in school. By then I was looking better and had gained the weight back. Everyone thought things were back to normal. I knew better but wouldn't admit to it.
I moved in with Adam around the same time. He said that when you move in together that's when you see what the other person is really like. There is definitely some truth to that. But I never went back to the person I was when we first met. And this is where most of the regrets come from. Would things have worked out? I'll never know. But I take full responsibility for things not working out. I lost the one person I have really loved, in part because I refused to admit that anything was wrong. I kept telling myself that I just needed more sleep. The relationship was strained because I didn't have the energy to do anything... Hell I could barely get out of bed. But since I didn't look sick I could easily put on the front that I wasn't. Certain friends really didn't help the situation any. They wanted to see it fail and pushed for it to happen. I became an easy target. And I wasn't willing to let anyone know that I wasn't doing so well.
So the relationship ended and my denial continued. I moved into my new apartment, still telling myself I just needed some rest. But even with vacation time that didn't happen. I was just more and more tired. I would go to work and go home and that has pretty much been my life. A life ruled by overwhelming fatigue.
The irony is that my attendance at work has been better since this started happening then it was previously. I haven't had pneumonia or the flu since then and haven't had as many cases of bronchitis. Now I did move out of Rose's and I do think that helped my health tremendously. But I never see fatigue as a good enough reason not to go to work. So I struggle through.
And as far as doctor's go... I didn't have a family doctor and it never really seemed to be something I would go to emergency for. I was also lying to myself... saying it was just the insomnia... or burnout... or the fibromyalgia. When I was at the ER for something else I briefly asked them about it. The response I got was "I'm just an ER doctor." There are a lot of people in Peterborough without family doctors so they have to turn to the ER. When I was on my LOA work sent me to see Dr. Kaskey. When I said I was exhausted and could barely get out of bed he told me it was depression and that I needed strong anti-depressants to get better. So now I was being told it was all in my head. Made it easier to deny anything was wrong. Then I found a family doctor. He put me on medication that helped me sleep but did nothing for the fatigue. I was referred to a rheumatologist who did the blood work that determined my white blood cell count and platelet count were both abnormal. So much for denial. I was able to deny it for 2 years. Now it's time for a reality check.
So to Adam... I am sorry. I am also surprised that you stuck it out as long as you did. Time for me to face the reality and admit that I am sick. I may not admit that I can't do it alone but that's just not in me to do. Step 1. Admitting. Step 2. Getting help. Step 3. Recovery.
It all started in November of 2003. I celebrated my birthday and the next day felt like I had the flu. I would up at the hospital and they said it was the flu. I couldn't eat and spent most of my time in bed. I lost about 20 pounds and couldn't seem to recover. I wound up back at the hospital and they said to eat McDonald's. At 70 pounds your body is in survival mode more then anything else. I stopped going to class and was going to work three days a week so I wouldn't get fired. Lost the semester in school. By then I was looking better and had gained the weight back. Everyone thought things were back to normal. I knew better but wouldn't admit to it.
I moved in with Adam around the same time. He said that when you move in together that's when you see what the other person is really like. There is definitely some truth to that. But I never went back to the person I was when we first met. And this is where most of the regrets come from. Would things have worked out? I'll never know. But I take full responsibility for things not working out. I lost the one person I have really loved, in part because I refused to admit that anything was wrong. I kept telling myself that I just needed more sleep. The relationship was strained because I didn't have the energy to do anything... Hell I could barely get out of bed. But since I didn't look sick I could easily put on the front that I wasn't. Certain friends really didn't help the situation any. They wanted to see it fail and pushed for it to happen. I became an easy target. And I wasn't willing to let anyone know that I wasn't doing so well.
So the relationship ended and my denial continued. I moved into my new apartment, still telling myself I just needed some rest. But even with vacation time that didn't happen. I was just more and more tired. I would go to work and go home and that has pretty much been my life. A life ruled by overwhelming fatigue.
The irony is that my attendance at work has been better since this started happening then it was previously. I haven't had pneumonia or the flu since then and haven't had as many cases of bronchitis. Now I did move out of Rose's and I do think that helped my health tremendously. But I never see fatigue as a good enough reason not to go to work. So I struggle through.
And as far as doctor's go... I didn't have a family doctor and it never really seemed to be something I would go to emergency for. I was also lying to myself... saying it was just the insomnia... or burnout... or the fibromyalgia. When I was at the ER for something else I briefly asked them about it. The response I got was "I'm just an ER doctor." There are a lot of people in Peterborough without family doctors so they have to turn to the ER. When I was on my LOA work sent me to see Dr. Kaskey. When I said I was exhausted and could barely get out of bed he told me it was depression and that I needed strong anti-depressants to get better. So now I was being told it was all in my head. Made it easier to deny anything was wrong. Then I found a family doctor. He put me on medication that helped me sleep but did nothing for the fatigue. I was referred to a rheumatologist who did the blood work that determined my white blood cell count and platelet count were both abnormal. So much for denial. I was able to deny it for 2 years. Now it's time for a reality check.
So to Adam... I am sorry. I am also surprised that you stuck it out as long as you did. Time for me to face the reality and admit that I am sick. I may not admit that I can't do it alone but that's just not in me to do. Step 1. Admitting. Step 2. Getting help. Step 3. Recovery.
Thursday, February 09, 2006
MIA
Looks like when I don't post anything for a few days people get concerned and start wondering if I am okay. At least I know people care *lol* The RAM clip broke on the computer and we ended up getting it replaced. There was some downtime there in between computers, since I had stripped my old one already. On the weekend I was watching/recording the latest UFC PPV event. I still had a couple of DVDs to finish for Tammy. At this point I haven't even gotten around to putting my data back on the computer. That's still on my list of things to do.
Yesterday I went over to Tammy's when she got off work. Watched some UFC and just relaxed... something I haven't done enough of. It was nice to get out of the house for a while, even if Azrael was pissed at me when I came home. A change of scenery never hurts. Not to mention the fact Tammy has been one of the few positive forces since I went on the LOA at work.
Looks like I'm not the only one with computer problems this week. Adam's computer won't post currently. He dropped it off tonight so I can take a look at it. I have the time and the parts to test it. Also gives me something to do. Idle hands are the devil's playground. Okay so I really haven't been getting myself into trouble... it just sounded good. Watching way too much TV lately.
But for all those concerned I am no longer MIA. I just haven't really had much of a chance to post... and not a whole lot to say. The last week has been pretty much like every other, with the exception of hanging out with Tammy and Wayne. For now though bed time...
Cheers
Yesterday I went over to Tammy's when she got off work. Watched some UFC and just relaxed... something I haven't done enough of. It was nice to get out of the house for a while, even if Azrael was pissed at me when I came home. A change of scenery never hurts. Not to mention the fact Tammy has been one of the few positive forces since I went on the LOA at work.
Looks like I'm not the only one with computer problems this week. Adam's computer won't post currently. He dropped it off tonight so I can take a look at it. I have the time and the parts to test it. Also gives me something to do. Idle hands are the devil's playground. Okay so I really haven't been getting myself into trouble... it just sounded good. Watching way too much TV lately.
But for all those concerned I am no longer MIA. I just haven't really had much of a chance to post... and not a whole lot to say. The last week has been pretty much like every other, with the exception of hanging out with Tammy and Wayne. For now though bed time...
Cheers
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