Denial

I'm sure we've all had those moments where we wish we could go back in time and change things. Right now I am definitely having one of those moments. I've known I was sick for a very long time now. I just kept on denying it.

It all started in November of 2003. I celebrated my birthday and the next day felt like I had the flu. I would up at the hospital and they said it was the flu. I couldn't eat and spent most of my time in bed. I lost about 20 pounds and couldn't seem to recover. I wound up back at the hospital and they said to eat McDonald's. At 70 pounds your body is in survival mode more then anything else. I stopped going to class and was going to work three days a week so I wouldn't get fired. Lost the semester in school. By then I was looking better and had gained the weight back. Everyone thought things were back to normal. I knew better but wouldn't admit to it.

I moved in with Adam around the same time. He said that when you move in together that's when you see what the other person is really like. There is definitely some truth to that. But I never went back to the person I was when we first met. And this is where most of the regrets come from. Would things have worked out? I'll never know. But I take full responsibility for things not working out. I lost the one person I have really loved, in part because I refused to admit that anything was wrong. I kept telling myself that I just needed more sleep. The relationship was strained because I didn't have the energy to do anything... Hell I could barely get out of bed. But since I didn't look sick I could easily put on the front that I wasn't. Certain friends really didn't help the situation any. They wanted to see it fail and pushed for it to happen. I became an easy target. And I wasn't willing to let anyone know that I wasn't doing so well.

So the relationship ended and my denial continued. I moved into my new apartment, still telling myself I just needed some rest. But even with vacation time that didn't happen. I was just more and more tired. I would go to work and go home and that has pretty much been my life. A life ruled by overwhelming fatigue.

The irony is that my attendance at work has been better since this started happening then it was previously. I haven't had pneumonia or the flu since then and haven't had as many cases of bronchitis. Now I did move out of Rose's and I do think that helped my health tremendously. But I never see fatigue as a good enough reason not to go to work. So I struggle through.

And as far as doctor's go... I didn't have a family doctor and it never really seemed to be something I would go to emergency for. I was also lying to myself... saying it was just the insomnia... or burnout... or the fibromyalgia. When I was at the ER for something else I briefly asked them about it. The response I got was "I'm just an ER doctor." There are a lot of people in Peterborough without family doctors so they have to turn to the ER. When I was on my LOA work sent me to see Dr. Kaskey. When I said I was exhausted and could barely get out of bed he told me it was depression and that I needed strong anti-depressants to get better. So now I was being told it was all in my head. Made it easier to deny anything was wrong. Then I found a family doctor. He put me on medication that helped me sleep but did nothing for the fatigue. I was referred to a rheumatologist who did the blood work that determined my white blood cell count and platelet count were both abnormal. So much for denial. I was able to deny it for 2 years. Now it's time for a reality check.

So to Adam... I am sorry. I am also surprised that you stuck it out as long as you did. Time for me to face the reality and admit that I am sick. I may not admit that I can't do it alone but that's just not in me to do. Step 1. Admitting. Step 2. Getting help. Step 3. Recovery.