Hiding Behind a Mask

I've come to the conclusion that I don't need to watch soap operas. My life always seems to have enough excitement in it. I suppose the upside is there there is never a dull moment. But some days I would like peace and quiet.

The other day I had someone say I look more relaxed at work. Yes the LOA did some good things for me... it wasn't all good... but it did give me a chance to get some rest. Aside from that it's actually surprising that I look more relaxed. Guess I do a good job, most of the time, of hiding behind a mask. I know we all wear them at times to hide from people or to hide from the truth. For the most part I try to leave everything at home before going to work but that's not always possible. Of course, even when I do show the stress I make it appear like it's related to work. But again that is just a mask. I know I can get the work done... well along with Pat I can any ways. Yes I'd like more time for training but in terms of the mandate it will get done. The truth is (and you'll probably never hear me admit to this again) that I am scared to death. Fear of the unknown.... fear of the consequences.... I am so used to being the strong one... the survivor.... and now that may not be possible. I'm not as strong as I thought I was.

I also feel extremely alone and isolated right now. I know that everyone has been sympathetic to the fact I likely have to have a bone marrow biopsy done and have been trying to tell me it's likely something small. Yes I am comforted by the fact they didn't feel I need emergency treatment but it's a small comfort. And no one really understands what I am going through. I don't look sick so people don't realize what I'm going through. There's the chronic pain from the fibromyalgia. Any idea what it's like waking up in the morning in pain and going to bed still in pain? A life ruled by pain.... but you never look sick. I still look relatively healthy. Add to that 2 years of fatigue. Fatigue that has caused me to completely withdraw from everything. Imagine, for a moment, what it is like to go to work for 8.5 hours, come home and be too tired to cook dinner. It's not like I work in a factory or anything that is labour intensive. In that respect I have a pretty cushy job. Even if I do have the energy to cook I run out of energy while eating. It's a rough place to be. I am still too prideful to admit I need help.

As I have said before I had the bloodwork done in February (or maybe March) from the rheumatologist. They had to repeat the tests. The results came back the same. My white blood cell count and my platelet count were both low. I suspect that when they redid the tests in May my red blood cell count was also low. When they did the first tests I was taking 6x the recommended dose of iron and the results only came back as being normal, not high. My family doctor said they "wanted to check to make sure the bone marrow was still producing blood cells." Now the fact that is even a question is pretty frightening. If it were just one blood line that came up low then it would be more likely that it is a vitamin deficiency or something minor. But it's not. There aren't nearly as many things that cause more then one to be low. I have to go back to the rheumatologist but I have no idea if he got the results from the third test. A month later and the fear has not gone away or lessened any.

If that wasn't enough Adam stopped by with mail today. One of the items was from the cancer research society and it said that 1 in Canadians will be diagnosed with cancer. Now that's inspiring. Definitely not going to reduce the anxiety level and fear with that news. Since as much as I want to deny it that is one of the many possibilities.

And now it's time to put the mask back on. The one that says everything is fine... I'm doing okay... and I am strong. No fear, right?