Anger Issues

Christie was coming around telling people what their incentives will be... Mine was decent but, of course, I did miss 7 weeks. So that reminded me that I still hadn't received my annual review yet. Christie dared me to email Chris about it... I'm not sure I want to. There are still some unresolved anger issues there.... and I don't want to end up on disciplinary action for not being able to keep my mouth shut. It's been almost 6 months since I was her performance coach so, to me, the did wells and what to do differently isn't even relevant any more. And I can only imagine what she would have to say.

This also got me thinking about the 3 months before my LOA. If I worked at 1:00 I would crawl out of bed around 12:30. Not that a whole lot has changed but I really had difficulty getting out of bed. All I wanted to do was get more sleep. My days off I would sleep for 12-14 hours, which I still do now. I wasn't even functioning any more. I was actually losing my cognitive abilities which scared me. I couldn't think and words just weren't coming to me. For someone that spends a great deal of time thinking that was pretty terrifying. And whenever I said I was tired I got the standard line, "Don't use being tired as an excuse." I wasn't... it was an honest answer. If you said something to me it would either be scrambled in my brain and I couldn't comprehend it or it would go in one ear and out the other. I was in rough shape. And even when I was home I was rarely resting... since I had quizzes to do and other things as well. So it was a losing battle and I was being told it was just an excuse.

Then I snapped and ended up on the LOA. Now the doctor just wanted to say I was depressed so instead of running tests he just sent me to see a psychiatrist. Yeah I definitely have resentment and anger over that one. Had he looked into it and run the blood work he would've discovered what ended up taking another 4 months to learn. So I was just marginalized and no one would listen to me.

But it got better.... Chris basically accused me of lying when I said it was the Fibromylagia. I don't like being accused. I had already agreed to a mild case of depression but I would not accept major depression as the answer. I knew better. That bothered me right from the start. Fortunately, I didn't talk to her the rest of the LOA. Since I took Zoloft for 1 day... that was the extent of treatment for the depression that I supposedly had. Beyond that it was all about the sleep deprivation. If I was going to be depressed now would be a really good time to sink into a depression. Of course, I am on 2 anti-depressants currently... one to quit smoking and one to help me sleep.

So I do have some lingering anger over that whole situation. Now the LOA did some good for me... I finally got some rest and got a family doctor which led to the fact there's a medical basis for the fatigue. Part of me really wants to say, "I told you so" and lash out. But I know that I really shouldn't do that.

I've spent the entire time defending her and standing up for her... looking back I am not sure why. She expected perfection of me and nothing was going to be good enough. A good team manager never would've let it escalate to the point where they considered me a danger to myself and to others. Fuck you... I'm a doormat. I'll never hurt someone else. And, as for the cutting, all they did was give me more of an incentive. But if you want to call it depression... negativity... the whole nine yards... the warning signs were there. It should've been dealt with sooner in my opinion.

The most important thing to me is that work was wrong... Chris was wrong... the doctor was wrong... No one can force me into psychiactric treatment... so how did work get away with it? They blackmailed me into the medication... and the psychiatrist.... so that I could return to work. Had I not taken the initiative to find a real doctor, instead of a quack, I still wouldn't know that my blood count was low.

So am I angry? You bet I am. I was completely disrespected, called a liar, and then had a doctor slap a label on it so that he didn't have to do any work. And to think since it was an EAP consult he got paid a lot of money to say I was depressed. I was blackmailed and I lost money since I wasn't working. Lost 2 weeks pay and then was only making 60% of my wages. My incentive was also lower because of the time off. So, in a nutshell, I got screwed.

The best thing about my return to work... moving to a new team. I am much happier now...more relaxed... quit smoking and haven't tried to kill anyone. I also get a lot more respect over there.