Job Vs Career

The last couple of weeks have brought with it a lot of thought. Ever had those times when you think you are just swimming against the current and expending all your energy in a futile activity? We have probably all had those times when we think we are just spinning our gears.... That is how I feel at work. I keep thinking that things are going to change.... they're going to be different. But no matter how much things change they stay the same.

I've begun thinking about whether or not this is a job or a career.... I dropped out of school to pursue a career here. I want to think that this is where I should be and where I will be for years but the more I tow the company line the more I wonder if I am really just selling myself out. I look back to the post I wrote in December on Learning to Say No and realize the situation hasn't changed. I am still trying to take on too much. I am giving 110% to the company and taking it away from myself.

And for what? What am I sacrificing all this for? I make $14.15 an hour... I can't even afford to make my student loan payments. I don't take the breaks that I am allotted to and don't get paid for it either. I do it for the team and because I am damned if I do and damned if I don't. If I don't get the job done then I have to answer to Christie as to what happened. I already know that if I did take the breaks like I am supposed to the mandate would not be met.

I step up and get the job done. I may not stand out, preferring to work in the background. I'm like the worker bee. I keep my head down and just keep on working... But people tend to forget about all the work these people do. Christie just expects me to get it done... even though last week when John was off on vacation there are very few people that could've got the job done and actually met the mandate. I was pretty proud of it and didn't get any acknowledgement at all. Makes me wonder what the point was of working that hard....

Over the last 4 years it has just seemed like one thing after another has been standing in my way and holding me back. Seems like it is fate. Can you really get away from fate? At first I went back to school so it made sense that I couldn't apply for anything. Even when I had the flu I came back to work and continued to work the 10.5 hour shifts. It took a toll on my health because I came up too soon. I knew the effect of absenteeism and didn't want to add to the drain. For the first two years things were going well... relatively speaking. Then I went to a new team and found myself in a situation where the team leader and I had a personality conflict. For the first time ever I wanted to quit... Instead I moved to another team and took on another skill. I figured the more skills I had the more valuable I was to the company. And then I got the promotion to PC. I am still wondering if I should've held off until the next round of hiring. 7 months... and then a 7 week vacation... I debated coming back but I am loyal and still believed in the company. Even when they tried to tell me I was depressed... or were monitoring me.... I am beginning to wonder if I am trying to fool myself.

I guess the big question is whether or not this is a job or a career... Am I just spinning my wheels and going nowhere? As much as I like being a performance coach I don't want to do it forever. But am I ever going to move up in the company or will I be moving out? It's a tough one to answer. If I stay what will the cost be? For 9 months now I have been giving up my breaks to get the job done. Lately it has really been taking it's toll... both with the cold... and the fact I'm not eating. Not to mention the fibromyalgia and the pain it brings with it.

I don't want to quit... But I'm no longer sure whether that is because of the job... or because I just want to please people and keep the peace. I know I want to stay for the agents. Any advice you want to give is greatly appreciated. I feel like something needs to change... I just don't know what.