Almost Ready to Throw in the Towel

The way this week is going I am almost ready to throw in the towel. I get home tonight and was going to have a hot shower... There was a sign up downstairs saying that the water was going to be turned off tomorrow morning (much like it was this morning) but they didn't say anything about tonight. I had no hot water at all. So much for that thought.

I've been struggling a lot this week with my blood sugar. I think because I had a few days there where I wasn't keeping anything down it's throwing everything out of whack. Plus my current stress level. I'm not eating enough and am running low on energy so I don't want to eat. I think I need a vacation... or at least some down time.... I just don't see it happening.

I came home to a letter from the National Student Loan Center saying that I was behind in my payments, which is true. Courtesy of the fight I have going with them over interest relief I am behind on my payments. But according to them I am 2 payments behind and it should only be one. In January I was on interest relief and that leaves February. March's payment is actually due at the end of the month. So they are compounding the stress I was already feeling. And I know if I pay them I'll never get the money back.

Next to family the big thing right now is work. I am the most frustrated I have been in a long time... probably since my LOA. It seems like nothing I do is good enough. Overworked and underpaid... and definitely not given enough appreciation. I come in day in and day out and for what? We won't meet our mandate this month... it won't even be close. So we'll be hearing about that at the end of the month. We never really hear about it when we meet the mandate but will be asked to explain it this time around. The first two years I was there I was a golden child. Then I dropped out of school to work here full time and it went downhill from there. I moved to a team where the manager had the tendency to keep an eye on you... and a close eye at that. My mistake was commenting that he was out to get me. That got me in the bad books of the current head of Operations and it has been a rough road ever since. He held me back for performance coach. I'm nothing if not persistent though. I refused to quit... and applied again. When I did get the position they thought Chris and I would blend well... in spite of the fact our personalities are complete opposites. Obviously that went well... so well I got sent on an LOA. But I still came back. I'm like the dog that you just kick and they keep coming back for more. I will not quit. I got told when I came back it was like a new beginning... which was complete bullshit. Everything that happened before the LOA still counts against me, even though the doctor they sent me to said I was suffering from clinical depression. So much for the new beginning. I was held back from applying for anything... or correction I could apply but it wouldn't go anywhere. Then I said something stupid without thinking... and it was taken the wrong way and back on disciplinary action. Another 6 months before I can apply for anything. And even those postings that don't involve disciplinary action I can't apply for. I got to find that out today. The 8 week leadership course won't be happening... Christie is not putting my name forward. That was tough. It seems like no matter what I do I am being held back. Maybe it is fate but it seems like I have to fight for everything there... and I feel like I won't make it past this point. I feel like I've been black listed and have a very difficult road ahead of me if I continue to fight.

But I am an idealist. I still believe in the company and I keep thinking that it will get better... and if I just stick it out then I will eventually get to where I want to be. Or maybe I am just a glutton for punishment. I'm like most people though... You don't want to look elsewhere when you have steady income and I do make more then at other call centers in the area. Not to mention the fact that if I was job hunting I would want to get the hell out of Peterborough. I hate it here.... And for now am frustrated enough to cry.

“An optimist is a person who sees only the lights in the picture, whereas a pessimist sees only the shadows. An idealist, however, is one who sees the light and the shadows but, in addition, sees something else; the possibility of changing the picture, of making the lights prevail over the shadows.” —Felix Adler