Weird Dream

I had a weird dream the other night. It was actually reminisent of the movie Saw... with the elaborate traps and everything. Don't worry I wasn't having any homicidal thoughts, even in my unconscious. Saw was a morality tale, albeit a fucked up morality tale. Saw II kind of strayed from the original roots... since it was basically just a test for the detective but involved killing off other innocent (or not so innocent) people. It's about life choices and appreciating life, rather then wasting it. Now these were extreme examples: the adulterer, the pyromaniac, the voyeur, etc. but they all had the same choice. How far would they go to survive? My dream was a slightly different spin on that. Well it was still about appreciating life rather then letting it pass you by. The point of the dream was to live for today. Stop worrying about tomorrow since it isn't here yet. But also to stop living in the past. You can't change what happened. Carpe diem!

Vacation

I think this vacaton is exactly what I needed. When I came back to work after my LOA I thought I should be at 100%. After all I had just had 7 weeks off. But I was really only fooling myself. Sure, things were a lot better. I am much more relaxed at work now. But my LOA wasn't exactly a vacation. Throughout my time off there were a great deal of mixed emotions. It's not like it was my choice. At first it was one thing.. I thought it was only going to be a few days off and then life would go back to normal. Then it really started to unravel... I was ambushed at the doctor's office. They sent me to a doctor that doesn't even believe Fibromyalgia is real so my reality was marginalized, something I thought I had finally gotten away from. It took 17 years to get the diagnosis and now I had a doctor telling me, once again, tht it's all in my head. He thought it was depression and every behaviour just reinforced that opinion. On any given day I meet some of the symptoms for depression since I do suffer from insomnia and have for almost a decade. The fatigue stems from the insomnia, the Fibromyalgia, and just from stress. Fatigue can also be responsible for some of the other symptoms... like difficulty processing information and not being as involved in activities. What the doctor attributed to a loss of interest in life activities wasn't entirely accurate. It's not that the interest wasn't there... it was that I didn't have the energy to follow through. Depression also involves a change from previous functioning... Fatigue was about the only real change and it impacted a number of other areas. But because of the mention of self-injury the doctor believed that I must be depressed and it was a cry for help. So the underlying issues weren't going to be treated. I was sent for a crisis evaluation at the hospital and the doctor outright said he wanted me on strong anti-depressants before he would allow me to return to work. Now we can add blackmail to the list of things that went wrong with the LOA. It was supposed to be time to relieve that stress and have a mini vacation but it was anything but. When I went back to work I was more relaxed... but I had also been sleeping in while I was off so I wasn't quite as fatigued. I was also moved to another team which helped tremendously. It allowed me to be much more relaxed. I was away from Chris... and from Steve... hidden in my little corner. Plus Christie and I have been friends for 3 years now.

So that was the LOA... the "stress break" that wasn't. I wasn't expecting much of the vacation. But since I got rid of the unwanted guest... it has really allowed me to just be. I don't have to talk to anyone and can just relax. During my LOA Steve was around which didn't help. Now there is no one... just me. Well me and Azrael but he's pretty quiet... except at 2:00 in the morning when he has his bear. I really needed this time to unwind and while I don't expect the fatigue to just magically disappear (would be nice if it did) I can filter out all the noise and just rest. And since it's just me that also means that I don't have to listen to certain people, faking their concern, while really just manipulating me. I call this week my stress free diet.

Tristan

I think I might've learned my lesson in taking in strays... well okay I can still take in cats... although Azrael would have an issue with it. It is far more trouble then it's worth. Tristan is now gone. He was using my computer and saw the search I did on kicking out a roommate. Saved me from having to confront him. Left me a note saying that he was finding another place to live and would come back with groceries. Well that hasn't materialized but neither has he. Peace and quiet for my vacation. I'd really like to be repaid though... my fridge looks pretty empty at the moment and I can't afford to replenish them. Fortunately, I had gone grocery shopping just before he moved in so I still have food to eat but he cost me about $100 in one week. I guess I'll have to just cut my losses and enjoy the fact that he is gone.

Product Endorsement

I never thought I'd see the day when I was giving a product endorsement, especially not one for pain relief. A little while ago Charlene gave me a sample of O24 Pain Neutralizer to try out for pain relief and called me her guinea pig. She wanted me to try it since I suffer from chronic pain. In some ways that is a great idea since if it works then it's a remarkable product. The downside is that if it doesn't work that doesn't really prove much. While I wouldn't say it's a magic bullet cure it actually does a great job for reducing the pain. I then tried the O24 Fibromyalgia spray and it doesn't seem to be quite as effective. I went out today and picked up some more of the pain neutralizer. I can really feel the cooling in my back and shin. It's all natural so I don't have to worry about harmful chemicals. One of the hardest parts about being in chronic pain is the medications and remedies that you try to relieve it. While it's not cheap I recommend that you give it a try if you suffer from back pain, muscle stiffness or even Fibromyalgia. For more information their web site can be found here.

Niagara Falls - Part 2

So the jobs for Niagara Falls have already been posted... That means the call center must be opening soon... probably in the fall. I picked up the posting today and have until next Friday to fill in the application and get it back in. I have no doubts that I will be applying for the team leader position. I am feeling some anxiety about the interview... leaving the people I know... and getting out of my lease. I know why I am feeling anxious though. Some of it is out of my control and that always bothers me. Right now there really is no point in feeling anxious though. After all, I may not even get the job. I might be staying here and waiting for a position to open up. But it looks like at some point during my vacation I'll be going into work to drop off the application and the resume and then we'll see what happens.

Growing Up... Or Not

My vacation officially began 5.5 hours ago. So far it doesn't look like it's going to be what I was hoping for. If only I hadn't been online that day to become the bleeding heart I am known to be and take Tristan in. Since then I've barely been eating and can feel the stress in my neck and shoulders... just getting worse. I've changed since we were actually together. I quit smoking. I've pretty much quit drinking, aside from the occasional drink with dinner. I became the responsible adult and grew up... kind of sad that I am saying that at 27... but there will always be things we can improve upon. He, on the other hand, has not changed at all. He's still a deadbeat and making excuses. Tristan is now working at his 4th job, that I know of, in less then a year. He typically quits them and has nothing to go to. He just started working as a roofer so who knows how long that will last. He's also lived in 3 locations, that I'm aware of. When he moved in it was with the promise that it would be for a couple of days, or at most until the end of the month. Obviously, it's been more then a couple of days. I haven't heard him mention his supposed roommate in almost a week.. He also said he'd be buying his groceries. That hasn't happened either. Promised that to me a week ago but never followed through saying that he ran into someone he knew that he owed money to so he paid them off. That tells me a couple of things. It reinforces the fact that things haven't changed. He was in debt when I knew him before and he still owes me $300. But it also tells me about his priorities. He paid for a carton of smokes from his boss and whoever he owed money to... and then just took advantage of my generousity. I didn't have to take him in. I didn't even get an apology for him helping himsefl, just an explanation. I know he is still young and immature... but at 21 I wasn't needing to find a new place to live every few months, not staying at a job very long and in debt to everyone under the sun. Granted I did owe money for my student loan but I was halfway through university by the time I was his age. I am not saying that he should be a carbon copy of me cuz that would be silly... but take some responsibility. Hold down a job for more then a month, find affordable housing and work on paying off debts. Even better don't get tattoos, drugs, etc. if you can't afford groceries and housing. Grow up just a little.

Roommate Situation

Okay so things on the homefront still have not improved. Tristan's still here and I can't seem to develop a backbone and ask him to leave. Well I do want the money he owes me. Although pretty soon he's going to be costing me more then he owed me in the first place. In a week he's eaten $80 worth of groceries and not only that but he helps himself to it. Doesn't even bother to ask. Promises to pay it back but I can see it being a viscious circle... he pays it back (or replaces the groceries) and then can't afford to buy more... or he can't afford the rent to move out and wants to keep testing my generousity... when all I want to do is be left alone and enjoy my vacation. Why am I having so much trouble kicking him out? He's causing me unecessary stress, for the second time. I owe him absolutely nothing. I've bailed him out time and time again. We're not even together and I am still helping him out. But at what price? My health... my emotional well being... and my stress free vacation (or at least that's what it was supposed to be)... *Sigh* I just want it to end... I just can't bring myself to be responsible for it.

Possible Relocation to Niagara Falls

Now it's decision time... We are opening a call center in Niagara Falls and the jobs were just posted on the company's web site. If I stay here I'll have a tough time moving up in the company since there are no team leaders, just team managers here. So if an opening does come available there are 20 people vying for the job. If I apply for Niagara Falls then it would be a step up in the company... to a salaried position. I'm just having a tough time as to whether or not I am good enough to get the job. Plus I have a lease here. I am not sure what I would do about that. The possibility is actually stressing me out a little. I was having a lot of trouble sleeping last night, for a whole host of reasons and got to thinking about applying for the position. My biggest concern is the lease and getting out of it. Well that and applying for the job and not getting it.

But the good news is that I would be out of Peterborough since there isn't much holding me here. I am starting to think this place is cursed. Very little has actually gone right since I moved here. I'm young, single and can relocate. Steve would be out of my life... so would Tristan. There are a few people I would miss but Niagara isn't that far away. And it's a change of scenery... something I could really use.

Zen

I am beginning to think I should start practicing zen or something else that promotes relaxation... maybe deep breathing exercises. I need something to completely relax me. Maybe I need some Valium. This evening has been a lot more relaxing since I am home alone but I can feel the stress is my shoulders and in my stomach. I'm also clenching my teeth even more then usual. Stress reduction 101. Fortunately I am going to the chiropractor's tomorrow so that will somewhat help. Now if I could just develop a spine and kick him out so I could enjoy my vacation in peace and quiet... Too bad I know I'll suffer through instead.

Power Outage

As it turns out the power would not return until 7:30 a.m. Needless to say the apartment got to be toasty warm. I woke up to the air conditioner kicking back on. Fortunately, the TV didn't come back on full blast at the same time. When I left for work the cable was still out but the power was back on. Other people weren't so fortunate. Some people at work did not have power. There were downed power lines and downed trees. It really was a wicked storm. There were even tornado warnings in some areas. Craziness.... on the way to work I even saw a truck that had been destroyed by a fallen tree.

One of my co-workers had a tree fall on the power line causing sparks. He called the utilities company and was put on hold. Then they said they would get to it. He called the fire department and at least there he wasn't put on hold. Guess they still didn't consider it serious. A fire truck drove by and then stopped... decided it wasn't a big deal and kept going. Then the tree actually caught on fire. Eventually they did cut off the power to the block and then put out the fire. At 4:30 a.m. the utilities company showed up to cut down the tree. Guess he didn't get much sleep last night.

The good news is that I came home to power and to cable... more importantly, I had internet access again. I could watch movies tonight and that wouldn't be a big issue but I'm not sure what I would do without my internet access. I suppose I'd get less Spam at least but most of that gets filtered out any ways. Time to relax... watch TV... play online... and then try and get some sleep tonight.

Lightning Strikes

When I was writing the post about taking in strays I was also playing poker on the PS2. I was doing quite well too. I had doubled my money and then some. Don't worry that didn't actually make me think I should quit my day job and head off to Vegas. The wind was really picking up outside and I could tell it was raining quite heavily. Then the power went out briefly. There goes my game... I hadn't even had a chance to save it. I had been trying to. It went out and came back on a couple more times. Then the power just went out and stayed out. The screen right now has a reddish-oramge tinge to it behind the trees and you can see lightning flash periodically. Otherwise it is completely black. I was trying to get a couple of pictures but it was too dark and they didn't turn out. It's amazing how quiet everything gets when there is no power. All of the hum of electrical devices just disappears. You can hear the other people in the building and the outside world. It's actually kind of eerie. Of course, since it was 42 degrees outside today that also means my AC is no longer working and it's getting quite warm in here. Good news is that I just might be going to bed a little earlier since I can't exactly do much. I can't even publish this until we have power restored. I'm hoping it's not out too long... I really don't want the frigdge defrosting and would like some cool air circulating in here again. Plus I want to set the alarm for work or there is no way that I will be getting up on time.

Taking in Strays

I'm starting to think I should stop taking in strays, especially the human variety. I seem to have this helper personality no matter what it costs me. I want to save people... even though I can't. More importantly, I seem to have trouble saying no. That's why I can't get rid of Steve. I keep hoping that he'll just go away and leave me alone... knowing full well tht it won't happen. I don't want to make anyone angry either. It's like I am the peacemaker.

But just to make things more interesting... I was online last week trying to find out Christie's email address. I never have my MSN on. Tristan was online and messaged me. Then he told me he was about to be homeless. Me, being me, offered to let him stay here until he had somewhere to go. It's who I am. I can't bear the thought of someone living on the street when I could've let them stay here. Don't worry I am not planning to pick up any other strays along the way... He is more then enough for me. When he first moved in he said it would be for few days or at most until the end of the month... Well it has been more then a few days so I am hoping the end of the month really does hold true. But he seems to be eating me out of house and home. It's pretty irritating actually. There is nothing that aggravates me more then a mooch, especially one that is a roommate. When I go grocery shopping it is just for me. So I buy the things I want to eat and expect that I am going to be the one to enjoy them. I just went grocery shopping on the weekend so that I might not have to go during my vacation and so I could stock up. Tristan had said he was also going grocery shopping that day so I didn't think much of it. But so far he has yet to buy anything at all... yet more and more of my food is disappearing. I'm almost scared to cook dinner in case he is expecting some. I come home from work and the leftovers I expect to be eating are gone. It was one of the things that bothered me when we were together. I seemed to be supporting him. I let him stay here since he said it wouldn't be like that. Just pull on the heart strings and I let them in... where they can use and abuse me. he can afford to be with friends... and smoke... but can't afford food... where are the priorities? He promised me that he would do dishes... that hasn't happened either.

I was supposed to be relaxing and enjoying my upcoming vacation. I suspect that is going to be very difficult unless something changes. Waking up at 6 am to the alarm so he can go to work. Then trying to sleep for another couple of hours until I have to go to work. It's hard to relax when I am at home. Just thinking about going home, when I am at work, irritates me. It shouldn't be like that. It's my home... and I know I should stand up to him... If he's going to live here the least he can do is buy groceries... and keep in mind that it is temporary. I don't think I had realized just how much I like my freedom and independance until he showed up and started taking advantage of my generousity. I like having the place to myself... just me an Azrael. Knowing that what I bought I get to use... (or eat) and not having to deal with someone else. I am also realizing that when you are not in a relationship with a person you don't have to tolerate as much. I accepted a lot more of this BS when we were together... but now I am just someone trying to be nice. I was nice enough to take him in... my kindness only goes so far though. I don't owe him anything... in fact he already owes me a great deal as it is... August 1 he better be out the door. Too bad my vacation will be over by then.

Picture This

Just imagine... it's 6:00 p.m. and you're just leaving work. It's hotter then Hades outside. Okay that might be an exaggeration. But it was 42 degrees Celcius outside today. It's a 4 kilometre walk home and you haven't eaten anything today due to a lack of time and energy. Not a very nice picture is it? That was my day. I got about halfway home and was so dehydrated that I was actually trying not to vomit. Part of me just wanted to curl up on someone's lawn and have a nice nap. The rest of me just wanted to get home to the air conditioning. Home won that one. I still haven't had dinner. I am pretty low on energy right now and just want to rest... not do anything... and definitely not cook. As an interesting note I ended up practically following one of the guys from my team all the way home. He was so busy listening to his music that he never even realized that I was behind him. And until we got close to the apartment complex he was far enough away that I didn't even know it was him. I'll have to give him a hard time tomorrow when I see him. But for now I really should go find something to eat. Must find food.

Dehydration

Time for another nice long walk home. Actually, for the most part I really enjoyed it. I just ended up being pretty dehydrated along the way. It was really hot out there today. Having the backpack didn't help me any. But I really enjoyed it. Time to work on my tan and build up some strength again. My legs are kind of sore at the moment but it's a good kind of pain. Hopefully I'll also sleep tonight but we'll see. Not sure I'm that worn out. Came home and had a shower. Wound up being a little more dehydrated from that as well.

But the hot water felt amazing... really relaxing... It was a great muscle relaxant. Then I turned on the cold water so that it was refresher and would actually help the muscles in the long run. Now I am just relaxing for the rest of the evening... and getting away from the computer.

Weekend Getaway

Imagine that I was actually up before noon yesterday and today... voluntarily even. I even got a decent night's sleep, relatively speaking. I was impressed. Usually when I go somewhere else I toss and turn. Granted I had my medication but still. I was out cold. It's not like I sleep well t home either.

This weekend was exactly what the doctor ordered. Obviously, actually getting some sleep is a good thing. It was also relaxing. I didn't have to think about anything or do anything. Now we didn't actually get to watch the UFC PPV event but I have it recorded so I can watch it later. We watched a movie instead. Sometimes I just need a slap in the face... or at least to be kidnapped. Otherwise I end up complacent and end up isolating myself.

Yesterday Tammy was fighting a migraine and sinus pressure so she laid down for a nap. When I actually crawled out of bed I decided to head outside. I didn't want to disturb her and I didn't feel like watching TV. So I took the MacBook outside and did a little work. I didn't get much done since the kids came out to play but that's fine... it was my days off after all. I was out there for a couple of hours and then we headed into Lakefield for lunch and medication. I started developing a headache as well but didn't think much of it. I just took some Advil and it eventually went away. Today I was carrying groceries in my backpack and when I got home my shoulders were just killng me. I figured it was just the weight and I was carrying too much (again). So when my shoulders were red that's all I chalked it up to. But then when it was hurting an hour later I realized that it was actually a sunburn. What I wouldn't give for that "After Sun" stuff. Or something cold and soothing for it. Maybe some aloe... or something. Or hey... how about I just use some sunscreen in the first place.

I got home around noon today. It was early enough to spend some time with Azrael... I didn't want him to hate me for leaving. Then went grocery shopping. Came home and watched the Jays game and the World Cup... was flipping back and forth between the two. Did laundry, cooked dinner, had a shower and relaxed all evening. Nice way to end the weekend. But I got home in time to get done what I needed to and Tammy got home in time to watch the Nascar race. All in all... a good weekend.

Wrong Side of the Bed

I definitely woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. I was hitting the snooze button in my sleep. Fortunately, I wasn't running late when I did get up. Finished getting ready and headed out the door. Dropped my sunglasses on the way out and one of the lenses popped out. I've only had them for about 3 weeks now. There was no way I could put the lens back in. So that was how I started my day. Got to work and my call time was pretty high. It was frustrating. Start listening to calls... and don't even end up taking my lunch or my last break. Then it was off to the chiropractor after work. I love seeing Charlene but I was there for about 45 minutes. My appointment was probably about 10 minutes, at most. Then I had to walk home. I stopped by Shopper's Drug Mart to check out their collection of sunglasses. None of them looked right on me. So by the time I got home I had a nice headache from the sunlight. I love having a backpack. It does make it much easier to carry the MacBook with me. But now both my shoulders hurt equally and they both look like I have a sunburn. So I was home long enough to drop off my backpack and dinner and then walked to Zellers. Picked up sunglasses and then walked home again. So by now my legs are pretty sore... what can I say... I'm lazy. And we're talking about 5.5 kilometres. Have dinner and jump in the shower. Having some trouble with swollen lymph nodes (shouldn't my white blood cell count be high to combat that... not low?) and managed to nick myself shaving. I got out of the shower... got dressed and Steve shows up. Doesn't even bother to call first... just shows up. That bothers me. But at least it was a short visit. I really didn't say much though and didn't invite him to stick around. He just picked up the computer and left. And that about takes me to right now... since he just left about 10 minutes ago. Now I'm really looking forward to going to bed.

UFC 61

Just when I thought I was going to be catching up on sleep this weekend... I was planning to order the PPV event and watch it... just me and Azrael. A nice quiet weekend, something I've been doing a lot of recently. I just feel so worn out. And then Tammy invited me to spend the weekend with her... watching the PPV event there. How could I say no? It's not like I'm actually leaving the house... I've become a shut in. So I'm going to be neglecting Azrael for a couple of days and I'm sure he'll hate me on Sunday... at least for the first 5 minutes or so. Then I'll probably be forgiven and he'll just want attention, like usual. While I'll have the computer with me I won't be online. Should be a nice break and time to spend with friends.

Lap Cat

Azrael has decided that he is a lap cat.... Now he is not the lightest cat in the world. All he does is eat and sleep. And now that he is 2.5 years old he's getting big. Trust me, after a half hour with him on my lap my leg is going to sleep. I love him to death but does he have to take up residence on my lap?

Azrael & His Bear

So Azrael is back to carrying his bear around and crying. I still have no idea why he does it. Tonight he decided to start a little earlier so I got a few pictures and just had to post them. If anyone can explain the behaviour I'd love to hear it. I'd really like to know how to get him to stop. He's making it a little difficult to go to sleep. Fortunately he does allow me to sleep through the night. Either that or I am just comotose and don't wake up to it. That's always a possibility too. Hopefully tonight I'll go to bed early. I'm super tired right now and I'm still on days at work.

Aggravation, Part 2

I left out some important when describing my wonderful evening. I was putting the original components back in so that it would be ready to take in to Future Shop. Steve was staring over my shoulder and then just took over. I felt really insulted by it. I know what I am doing when it comes to computers. I can take them apart and put them back together. I have built a few systems. So it really bothers me that he acts like that... it's not the first time. Hell, the fact that he seemed to believe I needed his help to troubleshoot is pretty insulting. He's not God. I can do it. In fact I had practically isolated it to hardware before he even got there. I just needed a USB keyboard to confirm. So why it took 2 hours is beyond me.

It gets more aggravating though. He stopped by today and dropped the computer off for reasons I'll get into momentarily. He also dropped off a USB keyboard and 2 mice stating that I need them. For one, I really don't need any more mice. I think I have 4 currently. I have used the wireless keyboard during the boot before... to go into the Bios, to reinstall the OS. So I don't think it was the keyboard that was an issue.

So then he drove me to the chiropractor where I had to reschedule. Charlene had to leave early. I thought I had updated my phone number with them but apparently not. It was a minor irritation... but had I known that Steve wouldn't have been stopping by and I wouldn't have left my house. I did get pizza for dinner but I could've cooked dinner.

Then I got home and decided to test the system. It did power up initially so that was a good sign. I decided to put the components back in and then got a message about the boot sequence. The new USB keyboard wouldn't allow me into the Bios or continue on with the startup. I adjusted some cables and still couldn't get past that screen. I even connected the keyboard as a PS2 keyboard and it still wouldn't work. Then I cleared the CMOS and got a CHECKSUM error, along with the boot sequence message. Put the CMOS jumper back and it would start up as soon as the power cable was connected without even needing to press the power button. Can't start up to the CD either. So now that we are back to a hardware failure... hmm... didn't I say that yesterday? So much for Steve's amazing troubleshooting abilities. But now I just wasted another 2.5 hours fucking around with the system. Not only that but it also means that Steve will have to stop by to pick up the computer again. Maybe I should tell him to pick it up on the weekend... when I won't even be here.

Another Hardware Failure

As good as I might be at troubleshooting computers my own seem to be my nemesis. Fortunately, my MacBook Pro is still working fine. My PC on the other hand is now sick. The funny part is that I had not been using it at all. I just left it on and checked my email periodically. I just had an issue with one of my serial ATA drives. I had to have it replaced. Of course, it was the one that I was storing all my files on. So I lost all of my data. Most of it I had backed up but not everything. I hadn't even got the hard drive back yet when the computer started booting to the blue screen of death. It would be on for about 10 minutes. I didn't back up my data and I really should've. I left it off for about a week... shows how much I need it.... When it turned it back on it wouldn't even reach the desktop before it restarted. Today I knew Steve was coming by to troubleshoot it so I got a headstart. I took out all the added hardware. Still nothing. I couldn't try safe mode because my keyboard wasn't being recognized. It wouldn't let me start up to the restore disk either for the same reason.

Steve got here at 9:30 and as soon as he got here I was automatically irritated. I was extremely exhausted all day and really didn't want to be trying to have a conversation, at least not with him. He was in a bad mood and complained about the wireless keyboard. He had to go home to get another keyboard. He really should have known to bring one since we've been through this many times. Got back around 10:00. Immediately he heads out to the balcony for a smoke. I start up to the restore disk but I couldn't select the option to restore. Try with a different hard drive... same thing. Steve kept pounding on the keys as if it's going to make a difference. Took the drive out and backed up the data. Then tried again to restore it. No luck. Somehow it took about 2 hours to get to that point. I spent most of the time watching the baseball game and just trying to avoid conversation. Since the error message I was getting was "Machine Check" which IS a hardware failure... and I had already removed everything that had been added... how did it take until midnight to get rid of him?

So now I am in a bad mood. It took me until 1:00 to finally be able to watch the series finale of Queer as Folk. More importantly, I have a new hardware failure and now the computer has to go into FutureShop. And then there is Steve. He always puts me in a bad mood.

But then it's sad that my favourite time of day is bed time. I'm that tired all the time. All I want to do is sleep. Now that they have ruled out the platelet count I have no idea what is causing the extreme fatigue. Maybe it is the Fibromyalgia... or the insomnia... or a vitamin deficiency... or any of the 101 other causes for fatigue. I just wish it wouldn't interfere with my life as much as it does. Maybe one of these days I'll finally have an answer.

Drum Roll Please...

So Thursday night I got home just after 10:00. Steve didn't get here until 10:40. All I want to do is get to Scarborough at this point. On the way out of town he decides to stop at Sobey's to look for flowers for his ex-wife since it was their anniversary. Then he had to drop them off. Could it not have waited? It's not like Scarborough is only 10 minutes away. Fortunately it was late enough that traffic was light so we got there just after midnight.

Then there was the motel... Talk about a dive. Maybe it's just because I like my own space and am not crazy staying elsewhere. No that's not it... it really was a dive. It was really hot in there too. I suspect that was more related to the fact that Steve seems to like a sauna and prefers it to be 90 degrees. But it made the room smell musty... this coming from the person with almost no sense of smell. It also made it really difficult to breathe and I ended up pretty dehydrated. Then there was the fact Steve was there. That always makes me cringe. In told I think I I got a little over 3 hours and then was awake for the rest of the night. As bad as it was I am still glad I went up the night before. Sure I was exhausted when I got to work but it meant not having to deal with rush hour and not being as stressed. Plus Mapquest and I had a few issues. We ended up having to ask someone how to get there.

And since I know you're reading this to find out how it actually went with the doctor.... In told the trip cost about $100 and I spent 5 minutes with the doctor before he redid the tests that had been done 3 times now. Needless to say that was kind of annoying. But he did give me good news. My platelet count is now back to where it should be. :o) My white blood cell count is still low but the hematologist said it wasn't low enough to really be concerned about. So that is definitely good news!!! No bone marrow biopsy. The downside is that they still don't know why I am so fatigued. I know that can happen for a number of reasons... but I hate it. It controls my life and I'd really like some of my energy back.

Absurdity of it All

I was talking to Adam last night and he made an excellent point. With everything else that is going on why pick a fight over stying in a hotel room? At the end of the day it really doesn't matter. It shouldn't even be an issue. I'm 27 and it's my choice if I head up on Thursday night. In the grand scheme of things it's a non event. Who the fuck cares what decision I make? To even debate it doesn't even make sense. I still have to face the unknown and the reality that I could have just about anything, from a vitamin B12 deficiency to leukemia. I don't believe it's serious but I still have to prepare myself for it. So an argument over spending $100 to stay in a motel to make things easier is absurd. And it's sad. It's sad because energy was wasted on this argument. It's sad because all it did was cause more pain. And it's sad because it caused the relationship to be even more strained. So the next time you want to argue over something small and trivial... stop and think about it. Ask yourself if at the end of the day it is a big enough issue to argue about. If not... then just let it go.

38 Days

That's how long I have been without nicotine. Some people have been really supportive. Some people also choose not to smoke around me. But there is still one person that chain smokes around me and then says to let them know if I want them to stop. I'm a doormat so I don't want to oice my opinion. I also figure I don't want to wind up fighting with him over it. Overall it doesn't bother me but it doesn't help me either since it just reminds me... and with the current stress I am not sure I like the reminder. Plus I am inhaling the second hand smoke which is even worse. Hell at that point I might as well just have a smoke. I don't think it's the smoking that bothers me... I think it's just him.

They say you are supposed to celebrate each milestone... the first day...the first week... the first month... etc. So far I haven't done any of that. Usually I am too busy watching the days go by with work. Plus I never seem to have money to celebrate with. Hmm... what can I do to celebrate me quitting smoking?

Friday

So 4 days until I go see the hematologist... Tomorrow I am off, Wednesday I am working days, Thursday I am working nights and then I have to be at the doctor's Friday morning at 9:00 a.m. I am still weighing my options and still don't like either choice. My big concern is that if I drive up Friday morning I will be too tired to go to work and will call in sick. I would get paid for the day since I have sick days to use but would lose the holiday pay for July 1. So it would end up costing me more then staying in a hotel would. But, if I go up the night before then it will turn out to be a costly trip... If it wasn't the pay cheque where I have to pay rent it wouldn't be such a big deal. But after rent there isn't a whole lot left for other things. Even my team manager is recommending that I go up there the night before. Guess she doesn't want me to be cranky at work. Can't say I blame her... I can only imagine what I'll be like on so little sleep and trying to work for 8.5 hours. Why can't there be a third option? Better quetion... why can't the appointment be a little later in the day?

Sigh of Relief

I've decided I hate running errands... especially on my day off. I never seem to get to relax and enjoy the day. I had to go pick up the mail and then on a Coke run, time to stock up. Off to the bank and then I had to actually pay bills. Lastly I had to go to UPS to pick up a package. Even after I got home the jobs didn't stop. I had to order a backpack for carrying the MacBook Pro in. I was a little sick of killing my back every time I had to walk home. Then I had to leave agan to go grocery shopping. Got home again and had to do laundry. So I feel like I have been running all day. The good news is that I don't have anything I need to do tomorrow so I can actually relax.

I also got to breathe a sigh of relief. I called the student loan center since I hadn't received my application for interest relief and would have to pay the loan in a few days. With everything else that is going on I really don't have the money for it. As it turns out they didn't even send the form. So they are faxing me the form tomorrow. Either way they are not taking the payment. 48 hours after the application gets there it should be on my file. Then I called the Royal bank and they delayed the payment for me. Finally some good news!

Irritated

Today was one of those days... I'm not sure if it was because I was finishing up a six day stretch and was just really tired... I really haven't been sleeping well. But I was really irritated by the end of the day. Of course, starting the morning at 8:30 with Steve here thinking I was on a day shift really set the tone for the day and the bad mood continued. I'm thinking it was just because it was long stretch at work. There were a few times I just wanted to be left alone so that I could get my work done... Instead I always have people asking questions or stopping to talk. And then there were the calls. I just wanted to go home. The hour and a half call really did not help. It was either being back on night shifts or the end of the long stretch. By the time my shift ended today I was normally relaxing on the couch. But then I was also able to sleep in today. I've been home for a little over an hour and I am still annoyed.

Thoughts of the errands I have to run tomorrow don't make it any easier. I have to call the student loan center and fight with them again. I hate dealing with them and the bank. That thought always puts me in a bad mood. Then I have to get them to either fax the forms to work for me or send them again. Sigh. Plus I have to go pick up the mail again. That's always a pain. Then I have to go to UPS and pick up a package. Oh yeah and the bank. I hate errands... and more importantly... I hate dealing with my student loan.

The only good news is that I have the next two days off and am going to try and rest. Easier said then done since all I want to do is hide from the world and not see anyone. No errands... just watching TV and trying to reduce the amount of stress in my life so that when I go back to work I am not still feeling frustrated and stressed out.

Shut Up Already!!!

Don't worry I am not referring to the people who are currently reading this. That seemed to be the longest drive home from work. It was brutal. Steve was driving 35... 35??? No one I know drives that slow. He wanted to do something tonight. Hmm.. not high on my priority list. And he would not shut up. I have said before that I am not one for small talk. And I really don't care how many people he owes... or what he is going to do with his storage units. I just want to go home and unwind... not hear about more useless shit. Silence... that was all I wanted.

Six Feet Under

I've been sitting around with the entire series of Six Feet Under for quite some time now. I keep telling myself I am going to watch it and never do. I had seen seasons 1 and 2 but since there are 5 seasons I was a little behind. Pat borrowed the end of it... which inspired me to start watching the rest of them. So it's been a week long marathon with at least 1 episode per evening. I'm already done season 3... on to season 4

Silence

First of all, I want to say that work today was not a good day. The calls were fine but I had to log multiple cases for each call. I was still logging them when I started my coaching time. It was about a half hour later when I finished that. Then it was time for lunch. Then I could actually start listening to calls. I've really been struggling with that this week... just with other things that I needed to do. I was able to get 4 done today but I was also there an hour late. 3 of them were on brand new agents... who still have the deer in the headlights look. 2 of them were decent calls but the calls tend to take longer then senior agents, and so does the coaching. So right now I still have to listen to 7 agents in the next two days and have a meeting tomorrow as well. Normally that wouldn't be difficult... but this week it seems to be. The last call I listened to today was over an hour long and was a brutal call. I couldn't even coach him because he ended up taking another call and then said he had dinner plans so he left. So that was my day at work.

I am beginning to think that I should just kep isolating myself and not talk to anyone. The silence is sounding better and better. I got home and felt obligated to call mom and tell her that I did have to go see the hematologist. I should really resist that impulse. I made the mistake of telling her that I was considering going up the night before. Well that became a battle. She seemed to think I should just get up at 5:30 or so and head to Scarborough and then be dead tired for work. Let's say I did try that... If I ended up calling in sick I would lose $224 since it would be a day off, and I would not get the holiday pay. And I still think I would be more relaxed going up the night before. Last time I checked I was old enough to make my decisions, good, bad or otherwise. Even when I said I was not going to discuss it she couldn't let go. Then started saying "Good luck with all your endevours." It actually sounded like she was never going to talk to me again. I'm already under enough stress. I don't need this shit.

Dilemma

Right now I have a bit of a dilemma. My appointment with the hematologist is at 9:00 a.m. next Friday in Scarborough. So as it stands now I would be working until 9:30 the night before and then would have to get up at 6 in the morning to make it there on time. Then come back and work my shift. Something tells me that is not a good option. The alternative is to drive up there the night before so I can get some sleep and not be really bitter by the time I make it to work. There are 2 problems with this thought though. Hotels are not cheap and I'm not sure I have the money to spend on it. The other problem is that I do not want to be sharing a room with SS overnight. Believe me... that is not appealing. Decisions, decisions... It would make life easier to drive up there the night before but it's about $150... and then there is SS. So unless I can find another ride, in which case it's a no-brainer.

Anger Issues

Christie was coming around telling people what their incentives will be... Mine was decent but, of course, I did miss 7 weeks. So that reminded me that I still hadn't received my annual review yet. Christie dared me to email Chris about it... I'm not sure I want to. There are still some unresolved anger issues there.... and I don't want to end up on disciplinary action for not being able to keep my mouth shut. It's been almost 6 months since I was her performance coach so, to me, the did wells and what to do differently isn't even relevant any more. And I can only imagine what she would have to say.

This also got me thinking about the 3 months before my LOA. If I worked at 1:00 I would crawl out of bed around 12:30. Not that a whole lot has changed but I really had difficulty getting out of bed. All I wanted to do was get more sleep. My days off I would sleep for 12-14 hours, which I still do now. I wasn't even functioning any more. I was actually losing my cognitive abilities which scared me. I couldn't think and words just weren't coming to me. For someone that spends a great deal of time thinking that was pretty terrifying. And whenever I said I was tired I got the standard line, "Don't use being tired as an excuse." I wasn't... it was an honest answer. If you said something to me it would either be scrambled in my brain and I couldn't comprehend it or it would go in one ear and out the other. I was in rough shape. And even when I was home I was rarely resting... since I had quizzes to do and other things as well. So it was a losing battle and I was being told it was just an excuse.

Then I snapped and ended up on the LOA. Now the doctor just wanted to say I was depressed so instead of running tests he just sent me to see a psychiatrist. Yeah I definitely have resentment and anger over that one. Had he looked into it and run the blood work he would've discovered what ended up taking another 4 months to learn. So I was just marginalized and no one would listen to me.

But it got better.... Chris basically accused me of lying when I said it was the Fibromylagia. I don't like being accused. I had already agreed to a mild case of depression but I would not accept major depression as the answer. I knew better. That bothered me right from the start. Fortunately, I didn't talk to her the rest of the LOA. Since I took Zoloft for 1 day... that was the extent of treatment for the depression that I supposedly had. Beyond that it was all about the sleep deprivation. If I was going to be depressed now would be a really good time to sink into a depression. Of course, I am on 2 anti-depressants currently... one to quit smoking and one to help me sleep.

So I do have some lingering anger over that whole situation. Now the LOA did some good for me... I finally got some rest and got a family doctor which led to the fact there's a medical basis for the fatigue. Part of me really wants to say, "I told you so" and lash out. But I know that I really shouldn't do that.

I've spent the entire time defending her and standing up for her... looking back I am not sure why. She expected perfection of me and nothing was going to be good enough. A good team manager never would've let it escalate to the point where they considered me a danger to myself and to others. Fuck you... I'm a doormat. I'll never hurt someone else. And, as for the cutting, all they did was give me more of an incentive. But if you want to call it depression... negativity... the whole nine yards... the warning signs were there. It should've been dealt with sooner in my opinion.

The most important thing to me is that work was wrong... Chris was wrong... the doctor was wrong... No one can force me into psychiactric treatment... so how did work get away with it? They blackmailed me into the medication... and the psychiatrist.... so that I could return to work. Had I not taken the initiative to find a real doctor, instead of a quack, I still wouldn't know that my blood count was low.

So am I angry? You bet I am. I was completely disrespected, called a liar, and then had a doctor slap a label on it so that he didn't have to do any work. And to think since it was an EAP consult he got paid a lot of money to say I was depressed. I was blackmailed and I lost money since I wasn't working. Lost 2 weeks pay and then was only making 60% of my wages. My incentive was also lower because of the time off. So, in a nutshell, I got screwed.

The best thing about my return to work... moving to a new team. I am much happier now...more relaxed... quit smoking and haven't tried to kill anyone. I also get a lot more respect over there.

Stress & Fear

I was a little tired when I got up this morning. I had too much on my mind last night and had trouble sleeping. Not a good way to start the day. Took calls like usual and then was given a "special" assignment. Okay so I got it because Pat wasn't in. About halfway through the day I developed a really bad migraine... something I haven't had in a while. Now my back and shoulders had been bugging me for a few days.

Fortunately, I had a chiropractor's appointment right after work. She could tell that it was stemming from the left side of my neck. She seems to think that I am just getting more and more stressed out as time goes by. It's the uncertainty of it all. And the fact that I do have to see the hematologist after all. I think part of me was still hoping that I wouldn't have to... but no such luck.

I think the best words to describe my world... stress and fear. I'm afraid of what the results might be. And it's been over a month since I was at the doctors so I have had plenty of time to dwell on it. There is also stress from my student loan since I never got the forms and have to call and get them resent. Work is also a source of stress. We have to focus so much on meeting the mandate that it's adding a great deal of pressure. Probably not what I need at the moment. I can't help but worry that we won't meet it... and on top of that I know that Pat will be in training 2 days next month, Dave will be on vacation and I am plnning to take some time later in the month as well. Plus, on top of that, I'm not sure when I am going to need some time to go get the bone marrow biopsy done.

For now though my head still hurts... It's lessened but is still there. I hope it's gone by tomorrow!

Denial

I'm really starting to relive Psych 101.... This time it's Freud and his defense mechanisms. Too bad I never liked Freud or agreed with his theories. Psychoanalytic theory was all about the id, ego and superego. Translation: we all have id impulses and can't act on all of them... so we have the ego to control those impulses. We use defense mechanisms to alter or distort those unsconscious desires. One of the many defense mechanisms put forward by psychonalytic theory is denial. In a nutshell denial is the refusal to accept reality.

Right about now I wish I could go back to denial. Denial does make everything a lot easier. It means you can avoid whatever is going on. I spent two years denying anything was wrong... to myself and to others. Can I go back to that? Granted denial also means not taking any responsibility but hey... if it means that I don't have to face the reality that something could be wrong... then I am all for denial.

I still remember the courses I took on thanatology (the study of death)... wish I could've actually made that my minor but any ways... That was kind of hard to do since the only courses I could actually take were those offered in the summer. Any ways.... one of the main points (that has also been applied to other things) came from Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and her book "On Death and Dying". Initially it was about terminal care patients and their road from denial to acceptance. It has also been used in mental illness.

1. Denial: The "No, Not Me" Stage - This stage is filled with disbelief and denial... this can't be happening (Trying to avoid the inevitable)
   
2. Anger/Resentment: The "Why Me" Stage - This stage is filled with anger... anger towards yourself, others, the situation, and anger that it happened to you (Frustrated outpouring of bottled-up emotion)
   
3. Bargaining: The "If I do This, You'll do That" Stage - You try and negotiate to change the situation (I wonder how often God is involved at this stage) (Seeking in vain to find a way out)
   
4. Depression: The "It's Really Happened" Stage - At this point you realize that it isn't going to change... You wonder what is going to happen with life as you knew it (Final realization of the inevitable)
   
5. Acceptance: The "I'm Ready" Stage - You've realized that you can't change things and this is the way it's going to be... and the only thing you can do is move forward (Finally finding the way forward)

As you can see this can be applied to a number of situations... from terminal illness... mental illness... even smaller events that we go through on a daily basis. I'm wondering where I am currently on that road. I'm thinking stage 2... Knowing me I'll skip stage 3 and go straight to the depression... but give me a little while before I hit that point.

Azzie

Okay so I am getting lazy... and Azzie is easier to say then Azrael... I think he has really settled in here. I never thought I'd see the day when I am giving him human qualities. But he does seem to be more relaxed. I think he knows I am happier here... and there is no one else to disturb him. Plus there's no smoke at all. Either way he is quite the content cat... and seems to be the master of the domain. When I am home he will curl up on my lap... or beside me since there is plenty of space on the futon. Azrael is also getting quite big. Now he is 2 years old... the wise adult male... And he is definitely my baby. Gets plenty of love and attention. Some days you'd even think I have children by the amount of toys on the floor. *lol*

Retail Therapy

My only plans for today were to go to IGA and pick up a few things. I really wanted some corn on the cob. Nice plan... and it almost worked. I finished my grocery shopping and then realized that I had lost my sunglasses. So I revisited everywhere that I had stopped... twice... and could not find them. Without them I am prone to migraines... and it looks like I'll be walking home from work this week as well. So I had to replace them.

I did learn something valuable in the process. I learned that it is only about a 15 minute walk to Zellers. That actually gives me more freedom. I don't need a ride down there... so that really just leaves groceries that I can't get on my own. Well that and a few rides to various places.

So I get to Zellers and get a new pair of sunglasses... I was also planning on picking up my refill for Zyban. But first... I went down to Blockbuster to see what the price was on Underworld: Evolution. And then headed over to FutureShop. Apparantly I decided retail therapy was a good thing. $120 later I left FutureShop. Ironically, most of the movies I left with were comedies. People that know me know I don't buy comedies. Then I headed over to Chapters to pick up the new MacAddict. Finally, I went to Shoppers to pick up the prescription. By then I was a bit dehydrated and sore. It was great to get out... enjoy the sunshine... and be active. But that also takes a big toll on me. By the time I got home I didn't even want to cook dinner. Fortunately I was just having corn so it was easy. But I am still prety low on energy. The good news is that I have nothing to do tonight other then rest and watch a movie.

While I was getting my prescription I also picked up a bottle of water. I drank most of it but with the heat it got warm pretty quickly. I was almost home when I decided to dump some of the water over my head. That was nice and refreshing. Since my shoulder was bothering me I also decided to dump some over my shoulder and back. It was a nice thought. Well it did work well... the only problem was that I was wearing a tank top. It went down my back all right... but it also went down my jeans. Good thing I was almost home.

That's the downside to having A/C. I find it nice and cool in here and am usually wearing a sweater. So I tend to forget just how warm it is outside. I did check the weather network before going out... but I don't think even that prepared me for the heat wave when I stepped out the front door.

Hiding

I really think that hiding was the best thing I could've done this weekend. Pretty much just me and my solitude. No added stress... just peace and quiet. No MSN or outgoing calls. I will still answer calls but I am on a hiatus. I really needed it. It's given me a chance to clear my head and just relax. Spent plenty of time with Azrael and I still have one day left before I am back to the insanity of work.

Rheumatologist

Looks like I might be waiting until the appointment with the hematologist to find out what the results of my blood tests actually were. I know they were abnormal but was planning to ask what the numbers actually were. I received a phone call earlier today from his office indicating that I would need to reschedule the appointment since there was a death in the family. So there won't be any news for a couple of weeks on that front. Just more uncertainty.

Drunken Conversations

It's probably not a good idea to call someone when you're drunk. Fortunately, I manage not to pick up the phone but that's not true for everyone. I am still wondering if I should tell Adam what he actually said when he called me.... Since he seems to have no recollection. Or perhaps I should just keep it to myself as part of my own memories and leave it be. I'm not even sure why I was thinking of that since it was a while ago... just one of those random thoughts.

Card System in Soccer

Since I mentioned red cards in my last post I figured I should actually explain what the cards mean in soccer... Or should I say... steal the information from a web site and post it here.

There are 2 colors of "cards" which the referee will hold up to indicate serious fouls or behavior which won't be tolerated. He carries these cards in his shirt pocket, so if he reaches for his pocket it's a bad sign for the player who committed the foul. These cards are about the size of a playing card and one is yellow and the other is red. When a card is to be given (it isn't actually given to the offending player, it is actually just shown to him and to everyone else) the referee will stop the game, call the player over, hold up the card and write the player's name in his notebook. This is called "booking" the player and when it happens the player has been "booked", (e.g., "she was booked"). Any time a Yellow or Red Card is shown, a "direct" or "indirect kick" will also be awarded.

Yellow Card - Indicates a formal "caution" for any of the following 7 offenses:

1. "unsporting behavior" - this includes hard fouls; holding an opponent or deliberately handling the ball for the purpose of preventing an opponent from gaining possession of the ball; faking an injury; saying things that are designed to confuse or distract an opponent; harassment (such as jumping around, shouting or making gestures to intentionally distract an opponent; jumping in front of a corner kick, free kick or throw-in; worrying the goalkeeper or trying to prevent him from putting the ball into play; & adopting a threatening posture), gaining an unfair advantage by leaning on, climbing on the back of, or holding a teammate or the goal; blatant cases of holding and pulling an opposing player or his uniform; any action designed to deceive the Referee; and behavior which in the Referee's judgment is unsporting or causes an unfair advantage,

2. dissent by word or actions,

3. persistently breaking the rules,

4. delaying the restart of play,

5. defenders failing to stay the proper distance away from the kicker on a corner kick or free kick (see" Corner Kick" & "Free Kick"),

6. entering the field without the referee's permission

7. deliberately leaving the field without the referees permission.

A player who receives 2 Yellow Cards is given a Red Card & ejected. FIFA rules do not require a player to leave the field for the first yellow card. However, some leagues' rules do. You must go by your league's rules.

Red Card - A player must be shown a Red Card and "sent off" (i.e., made to leave the field) for the 7 offenses listed below. A player shown a "Red Card" & sent off may not be replaced during that game (i.e., his team must play a player "short" for the rest of the game; however, in some leagues a player may be replaced if he is ejected for receiving a second Yellow Card). The 7 offenses for which a player must be shown a Red Card and sent off are:

1. serious foul play (includes any use of excessive force or brutality against an opponent when challenging for the ball. Examples include a dangerous slide tackle from behind, or an "over the top tackle" in which a player raises his foot so the cleats could hit a player, or a two footed tackle that takes down the opponent. FIFA has broadened this definition by saying that "Any player who lunges at an opponent in challenging for the ball from the front, from the side or from behind using one or both legs, with excessive force and endangering the safety of an opponent is guilty of serious foul play. For current rules visit www.fifa.com, Laws of the Game. The above quote is from Questions and Answers, Additional Instructions for Referees).

2. violent conduct,

3. spitting at anyone,

4. a deliberate hand ball to deny an obvious goal scoring opportunity,

5. fouling an opponent to prevent an obvious goal scoring opportunity (e.g., holding to stop a breakaway),

6. using offensive or threatening language,

7. or receiving a second yellow card in one game.

As a side note a US player just received a red card as well for the slide tackle on an Italian player. So at the end of the first half it is still 1-1 and as the commentor just said "Wonder if it will end with 10 on 10 or if more will be ejected from the game" Guess the answer to that would be 9. As the second half started another US player got a red card.

FIFA World Cup

FIFA's big slogan throughout the World Cup has been that soccer is "The greatest game on earth." I have a great deal of respect for soccer players. Of any team sport that I have watched it is the one where the players have to be the most active. For 45 minutes there is no break in the action. Even the half time isn't that long. Then back for another 45 minutes. And for any time that is spent throwing the ball in, or with an injury that time is added to the clock. Can you imagine what other sports would be like if they demanded the same level of physical activity and did not allow so many breaks? I don't think nearly as many people would take part in those sports. Sometime timed the Superbowl and if you count the amount of time between the snap and the end of the play... in the 3 hours there was something like 5 minutes of actual action. Maybe it's just me but that seems a little insane. Baseball is certainly not the most active sport either. I'm not knocking the other sports... since they all have their purpose and thir fans. I like baseball. And each sport is different. So for the most part you can't really compare soccer to hockey. I will watch most sports although of course I have my favourites. 1. Soccer 2. Beach Volleyball 3. Baseball

I am currently watching Italy take on the USA. Whenever I watch the World Cup I am usually cheering on Brazil and Italy. I do like other teams as well... USA, Argentina, Mexico and Portugal... but Brazil and Italy are my favourites. This is turning out to be a wild game. It really wasn't a surprise that Italy scored first. Shortly after Italy scored again... the only problem was that it was in their own goal. 60 seconds later an Italian player had been given a red card. So he was out of the game and could not be replaced. Should be a good game.

Mail Call

I think I mentioned before that all of my mail was being held at the distribution center due to the fire. Trust me, that is anything but convenient. It's down by FutureShop so basically not near anything really useful. It's not exactly walking distance either. Well I suppose it might be if I was healthy. And, on top of that, they are only open 8 to 5:30 Monday to Friday. Doesn't work with my schedule. No word yet on when we will have mailboxes here again. So I have to rely on someone to drive me down there to pick it up. Not ideal at all.

So after two weeks I finally got someone to drive me down there. I knew I had a package waiting for me. But I still seem to be missing quite a bit of mail. I had 2 bills and that was it. Normally I would get mail quite frequently. Ever since I moved here I get almost none. I was supposed to get something about identity theft from Capital One and ironically never got it. never got their bill either. And I called about my student loan and they were sending out the interest relief forms. I never did get them. So that's another aggravation. Now I have to call the student loan center again and have them resent. I'll have to go down and pick them up somehow. And I'll likely have to call the bank and try and get a hold put on my student loan. Can't anything be simple and straightforward?

Matchbox 20 - Unwell

All day staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something

Hold on
Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown
And I don't know why

[Chorus]

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be...me

I'm talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
And I know, I know they've all been talking about me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow I've lost my mind

[Chorus]

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

I've been talking in my sleep
Pretty soon they'll come to get me
Yeah, they're taking me away

[Chorus]

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

Yeah, how I used to be
How I used to be
Well, I'm just a little unwell
How I used to be
How I used to be
I'm just a little unwell

Happy Friday

Since Christie likes to say "Happy Friday" I thought it was appropriate. I got to work on time. I was really tired and the calls were getting to me. But after 2 hours I was onto my coaching time. I didn't have a whole lot to do so I was finding things to do. Skip ahead to my lunch. My cell phone goes off. I listen to the message and it's the doctors office. They wanted to tell me about the appointment with the hematologist. So I emailed Steve and then talked to him. His response has something to do with going bankrupt. I'm not sure what kind of response he was expecting on that one... It's not like I am better off at the moment. And what he doesn't know... is that he actually owes me $110... not the other way around. So I ignore that comment. I figured I should remind him that I have the appointment on Monday since I was off for three days and wouldn't be talking to him. He sent back a pretty nasty response about the fact I wouldn't be talking to him... and that I didn't show any sympathy to his financial state. It almost became a war right there. I was already stressed and I didn't need a fight about that since I knew it would get ugly. He would talk about paying rent and helping me out... and my response would be "Maybe I could've found a roommate had you not moved in". And I knew I would end up telling him he owes me money and it would cause even more tension. And maybe he should sell off all the shit he doesn't need so he can save the money from the three storage units. So, do I feel sorry for him? Not really... I wrote back and said I didn't know what to say, especially since I am not doing well financially myself. He also asked if I found out about my blood work. The hematologist appointment automatically told me what the results were. Came back low again. And he said something about how I'd think of something to say (in regards to his finances) and that he didn't expect me to pay him anything. I don't expect to either... since my debt has more then been wiped out. I really don't need an email war right now. I was already feeling stressed as it was. I had to actually walk away from my computer.

But getting away from my computer wasn't entirely bad. I went over and spent some time bonding with my agents. We were sharing stories and joking around. I'm sure a few of the comments might have been HR quality but any ways... I really needed that. It was the first time I'd been smiling in a while. Then I was joking around with Pat on the way home. It was a nice way to end the week... aside from the hematologist any ways... but I knew that was coming. So "Happy Friday" everyone!!! :o)

Weekend Plans

Okay so those plans are non existent. I just want to rest and basically hide for the next three days... aside from when I go to the rheumatologists. For the most part I just want to be left alone. Not that I won't talk to people... I just don't want any more sympathy. And I am trying to avoid facing my fear so I am trying not to think about it.

No News Isn't Good News

Looks like I don't have to wait until after I see the rheumatologist to provide an update. The doctor's office called today. I'm not sure who I was talking to... but their sister apparently lived in Peterborough and lived over here in Peterborough. So somehow we ended up discussing the ghetto neighbourhood over here. But they also told me that I have an appointment with the hematologist in a couple of weeks. Somehow I have to get to Scarborough on June 30 for 9:00 a.m. They said it would be a short appointment. Looks like they'll be doing the blood tests for the 4th time as well. And after that will likely come the bone marrow biopsy. It's what I was expecting... not that it makes it any easier. But I am one step closer to an answer.

Criminal Minds

Finally back to watching some Criminal Minds and recording it to my computer. Haven't done any recording since the MacBook was replaced. Once I've got a few episodes I'll probably try some video editing and burning them to a DVD. But at least it's something I find relaxing. At some point I want to make some sound bytes from Criminal Minds, like the profile and the quotes. Might even watch the Ultimate Fighter before I go to bed... or I may just wait until my nice, long 3 day weekend. Time to really unwind. I might even shut myself off from everyone....

Well okay I can't completely shut myself off. I have to go to the rheumatologist again on Monday. He wants to go over my blood work. Before you ask, he has been trying to get ahold of me since before I saw the family doctor. I am not sure if he has the latest blood tests or not.

Azrael has decided that he really wants attention tonight. He's cute and all but it's not helping me record anything. Not that I mind. He is my baby... And I've been neglecting him in the morning. Poor thing. At least he's stopped crying loudly when I go to bed and carrying his bear at the same time. I kept thinking he was injured or something... and he wouldn't let me pet him. He would just bite me. Right now he's curled up on his back staring up at me. Yes he is a cutie. And since he is not helping me write anything time for me to head out and just spend some time with him.

Low Blood Cell Counts

Last post of the day... I promise. Apparently I have too much time on my hands when I'm working days. Or maybe too many idle thoughts. I suppose it could also be avoidance. But these are some of the terms associated with low blood counts.

• Myelosuppression - a decrease in the production of blood cells, which may lead to low blood count.
• Pancytopenia - a lowering of all three types of blood cells; red blood cells, platelets, and white blood cells, which may lead to low red blood cell count, low blood platlet count, and/or low white blood cell count.
• Anemia - a decrease in the number of red blood cells (RBC), which may lead to low red blood count.
• Thrombocytopenia - a decrease in the number of platelets (PLT), which may lead to low blood platlet count.
• Leukopenia - a decrease in the total number of white blood cells (WBC), which may lead to low white blood cell count.
• Neutropenia - a decrease in the number of neutrophils, one type of white blood cell, which may lead to low white blood cell count.
• Granulocytopenia - a decrease in the number of granulocytes, the group of white blood cells that include neutrophils, basophils and eosinophils, which may lead to low white blood cell count.

Can I put my vote in for a deficiency in Vitamin B-12 and Folic Acid? That seems to be one of the only options that isn't serious or life threatening. Fun words like leukemia, lymphoma and aplastic anemia also appear.

Or maybe the game is to pick a door and whatever is behind it is what you get.

What do we have behind door #1? Lymphoma
Behind door #2 is autoimmune disorder
Behind door #3 is a deficiency in Vitamin B-12 and Folic acid
Behind door #4 is a genetic mutant (if so I want some super power)
Behind door #5 we have aplastic anemia
Behind door #6 we have an infection
Lastly behind door #7 we have leukemia

Hmmm.... I really want door #3 or maybe those super powers. Tough choice. Alright I am done rambling for the day. Time to curl up with Azrael for a little while.

Time for a Good Laugh

Maybe it's just me but I am quite entertained by this... and it's not like I just came across one page with this information.

Things Not to Do When You Have a Low Platelet Count

• Avoid activities that increase your risk of bleeding when you have low blood platlet count:
  • Contact sports
  • Amusement park rides that involve fast or quick motion.
  • Strenuous exercise.
  • Avoid or limit the use of sharp objects such as knives, razors.
  • Hold pressure on any cut or scrape for at least 5 minutes.

So now that I have a reason to be absolutely lazy. As for the contact sports overall no problems there. Back to being lazy. I could say something... but I am better off leaving that one alone. No Canada's Wonderland for me. But, the one that gets me, is avoiding or limiting the use of sharp objects. What do you want me to do, make sure I eat finger food? I guess people can rest easier knowing I won't be intentionally cutting myself. I realize that these guidelines (there were others... but they weren't as interesting) are for people with an extremely low platelet count. But I get a good laugh every time I read the part that says I should avoid knives.

Zombie Like State

I am definitely remembering why I started smoking again last time. Between being told that I was quite negative and it was a behavioural issue.... which I was told was going to go to management... and the insomnia... I gave up. I think the possibility of losing my job was a pretty good motivation to start smoking again. I never thought that it would save my job. This time around has definitely been better.... But the insomnia is definitely a factor... and it seems to be getting worse. Waking up hourly is not fun at all! So now I am struggling with hoping it gets better and the possibility that I might get some sleep... It's not an easy thing. When you've been waking up pretty much hourly for the last 3 weeks that's rough... all you want is sleep. "Sleep perchance to dream..." Granted it doesn't help when you're an insomniac to begin with. It really seems to compound it. Mind you, other events in the last month are likely playing a role as well. The same day I quit smoking I found out I was likely going to need a bone marrow biopsy. So that has been weighing on me quite a bit as well. I have heard that after a month the insomnia starts to get better. I sure hope so. Would be kind of sad if the reason I start smoking again has nothing to do with craving nicotine but is because I want a good night's sleep. I am comforted by the fact Amy, who quit at the same time, is going through the exact same thing. Not that I would wish this sleeplessness on anyone but at least I'm not alone. The sleeping pills are not helping. maybe I should go with something a little stronger... there's an idea. Maybe not a good one... but it's an idea.

Vulernability

After giving the web site address to my blog to a friend from work (Yes, Pat this one's for you... and no I haven't said anything bad about you... I checked to make sure) I feel a little exposed, vulnerable. I really hate feeling vulnerable. I feel like I should have deleted a few posts... things that most people don't know... but I also don't want to censor myself. I'd probably have to delete at least half the posts *lol* And that would throw the whole open and honest part right out the window. I suppose you can't really say I'm dishonest if I omit it. I'm sure you'll never see me the same way though. But I guess that's what happens when you bare your soul and leave very few skeletons in the closet. Just plenty of demons.

Scars

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

Papa Roach – “Scars”

Open & Honest

I got to thinking yesterday about whether or not honesty really involves being open. There is the old saying about being "Open and Honest" But now... there is the internet. Are we still being open and honest? I would have to say no... On one level, yes I can be more open about things that are going on in my life. For example, how many people found out about my medical issues from here instead of from me? Or the fact that my apartment was on fire? But I can still hide behind a wall of anonymity. Yes, people I know have access to the page but I don't really have to think about that fact. I can still maintain the issues I have with trust by hiding. I don't have to see their reaction, and likewise they don't have to see mine. The eyes are the window to the soul... and in being honest that is the part I have the most trouble with. Or maybe it's the fear of emotions. I've spent almost my entire life believing I had to be strong and not feel anything. People still call me cold as ice... So are we any more open with the advent of the internet and personal blogs? Or do we interact less and are using the internet as a shield instead?

My Brain Hurts

I think my brain actually hurts right now from too much thinking... Don't worry I am not starting another philosophical debate at the moment... I have a few topics I could delve into but tonight I am just going to relax. Maybe I am just tired from having to actually be up this morning. I couldn't sleep in until 11. I had to actually be awake and somewhat functioning at 9:00 a.m. I must admit though that it is nice to be off at 5:30 and be able to enjoy the evening. But at the same time I do end up really tired. And at the moment I need to go to the post office before work... and I really do not want to be up that early. Maybe on Wednesday... maybe. But for now... time to watch a movie... get away from the computer and get to bed around midnight.

Sun Worshipper

More Pics

Closing Thoughts

Now back to the question I asked at the beginning... "Is equality a noble ideal and something we should strive for or should we simply acknowledge the inequalities in society and continue on with the hierarchy of power?" The second question was, "If we do believe that equality is a worthwhile goal, does it have to be absolute? Can it be a reduction of inequality.. or equality only in certain areas?

If it had to be black or white, an all or nothing situation then I would have to argue against equality. In a capitalist society there can never be a true equality. It is not my political views that would have me argue against equality. In terms of equality in regards to income my issue is not that everyone be equalized... but that the poor have enough to make a decent life.

There are three equalities from a political standpoint.

1. Equal rights
2. Equal opportunities
3. Equality before the law

I do, however, believe in these three equalities. I believe that citizenship in a country should give us equal rights. We have the freedom of speech, freedom of religion. We have the ability to vote in a democratic matter.

In terms of equal opportunities I do not believe in affirmative action. I do believe that we should have equal access to health, education, employment and social welfare. On that note it would be good if education was sponsored by the government. But that is just my thought.

Equality of law means that when a law is created every person is to be treated equally under the law.

I guess the only one I have a problem with is the idea of equal income distribution. I do not believe that socialism is the answer and I enjoy having the individual freedoms. But any attempt to create equality will undoubtedly challenge those freedoms. Sometimes it is necessary to sacrifice the individual for the good of the whole.

Culture, religion, lifestyle, feelings – these are all aspects of our private lives and should be of no concern to the state or other public authorities. Yet governments in the West pour public money into what should be private, to separate and divide people even more. A truly plural society would be one in which citizens have full freedom to pursue their different values or practices in private, while in the public sphere all citizens would be treated as equals whatever the differences in their private lives. Today, however, pluralism has come to mean the very opposite. The right to practise a particular religion, speak a particular language, follow a particular cultural practice is seen as a public good rather than a private freedom. Different interest groups demand to have their ‘differences’ institutionalised in the public sphere.

If culture, religion and lifestyle were private and were part of individual rights there would likely be more equality in society. The problem is that all of these issues have now been on display in the public arena with each group wanting more rights. How about each group be treated equally so that we do not need special interest groups, all talking of the injustices they face?

So to answer my own question... yes I do believe in equality. However, I do not believe in absolute equality. I believe that equality should be promoted in certain areas, such as equal access but not in terms of income.

As a side note.... this whole debate isn't even really mine. So Adam... this one's for you. Wanted to give you something to think about. :o) In a philosophical debate I would rather discuss morality, ethics or logic. So the debate I had about absolute truth was more my style.

Capitalism

There are 2 definitions of capitalism.

The most common definition is "An economic system in which the means of production and distribution are privately or corporately owned and development is proportionate to the accumulation and reinvestment of profits gained in a free market."

From political/philosophical point of view the definition is “Capitalism is a social system based on the principle of individual rights.”

My goal is not to debate the finer points of socialism vs capitalism.... Suffice to say that capitalism creates a social hierarchy of classes and in doing so breeds inequality. Usually we divide society into three distinct groups: Upper class, Middle class, and Lower class. The dividing line is typically economics. Classes can also be divided among other lines as well. But in separating people into groups we automatically create dividing lines and reinforce the inequality.

So the debate on equality centers around the debate on the rights of the individual vs the rights of the group. True equality ignores the rights of the individual and focuses solely on the rights of the group.

In any society there is a natural tension between the interests of individuals and the interest of the group as a whole. There is a conflict between what individuals want and what serves their interests and what is needed for the welfare, safety and security of the entire group. Government needs to moderate that conflict. Depending on the type of view that is operative concerning the nature of the social arrangement and the nature of government, the conflict will be resolved in favor of one or the other sets of interests.

Challenges Faced by Socialism/Egalitarianism

Is the equality of rights even a good thing? Do people even want it? People, being individual, have different wants and needs. The group mentality would then be forced onto the individual. How is this beneficial?

The most important issue is whether equality of results is practical. History shows that it is completely impractical. The only thing that equality of results has accomplished where it has been implemented is to spread poverty and famine. It has never raised the living standards of those it claimed to benefit, but has only lowered them. As has been noted by many – “capitalism is the uneven distribution of wealth, and socialism the even distribution of poverty.”

Egalitarians have confused the meaning of Jefferson ’s “all men are created equal.” While this is one of the most important concepts in the Declaration of Independence , it has nothing to do with equality of results. Obviously, it can not mean people are identical. Nature creates us as individuals, all with different talents, characteristics, and desires. All it can mean is that all people have equal liberty, and an individual should have the complete freedom to choose how he or she wants to live. Egalitarianism is actually at odds with this concept, and would try to force individuals to accept the dictates of the masses.

Is it really equality that we are after? At first glance, equality seems to be a noble ideal and one that should be pursued. Take the gap in incomes for instance. We believe in equality when one person is earning $20,000 and another is earning $100,000. Do we feel as strongly when one person is earning $1,000,000 and the other is earling $100,000? Perhaps the problem is not that the poor have less than the rich, but rather that the poor do not have enough--a sufficient level of resources to provide a good life or a reasonable prospect of a good life. The suggestion then is that sufficiency not equality is what per se matters. How one's condition compares to the situation of other people is not important in itself. What is morally important is that people have enough to bring them over the threshold of decent life prospects.

Egalitarianism

The definition of egalitarianism is:

1 : a belief in human equality especially with respect to social, political, and economic rights and privileges
2 : a social philosophy advocating the removal of inequalities among people

The egalitarian doctrine indicates that human are equal in fundamental worth or moral status. Equal opportunities in this school of thought means that a job offer is made to the person with the most merit, not based on sex, religion, or status.

Egalitarians also support an equality of wealth and income. This is undoubtedly one of the biggest obstacles to equality. This involves restricting our liberty. Some restrictions of liberty are worth their cost and equality may be one of these values that are strong enough to agree to a loss of freedom. It may be a compromise, trading in the individual freedom to earn money to better society. In this respect, it has the same view as socialism.

Even egalitarianists have to face the issue of how to determine which groups should be equalized. Is it determined by people in the same age bracket... or that it should be everyone is completely equal? Is the equalization global? But again, the egalitarian school of thought seems to be a utopia... the perfect world and not something that is ever achieveble.

Socialism

The biggest proponent for an equal society would have to be socialists. According to Marx, socialism is the transition between capitalism and communism. One of Marx' famous quotes is "from each according to his abilities, to each according to his needs". If that's not equality I don't know what is.

According to newyouth.com...

"For Marxists, socialism is a transitional phase between the exploitative capitalist system of private property of the means of production, and the classless society of communism, where there is no longer a state in the proper sense of the word, no compulsion to work, no national borders, etc.

Under capitalism, society is governed by a handful of rich elites who exploit the working class in order to extract profits. They are not concerned with what or how they produce commodities, as long as these bring them a profit. They have developed the state - bodies of armed men; the laws, courts, prisons, military, police - in order to preserve their privileged position. Under communism, the whole of society will be the "owners" of the means of production, and will produce in the interests of all people in harmony with the environment. But between these two phases of human social development lies the transitional period of socialism."

We can all conjure up images of Communist countries, like Russia was, and China, among others. When we compare them to our own societies they aren't as appealing. But that is a far cry from the communist society that Marx had envisioned. Marx felt that individualism would flourish. Socialism would be a place without borders or frontiers. The economy would be strong and all of our needs would be met. Doesn't sound bad at all... except maybe for the rich upper class in our society. But it is also a utopian ideal.

But obviously for someone that follows Marx and believes in socialism then the goal should be equality for all and they would also argue that inequalities are a product of a capitalist society.