Hell Has Been Upgraded to Purgatory

Finally there might be a bright spot in my life... maybe. I am trying not to be optimistic since when it comes to my student loan I just keep getting disappointed. I got a letter in the mail. It was a revision of terms. But, once again, they had screwed up. The revision of terms was for 172 months. Funny... since that is what they currently have me on. And the payments on the new revision were higher. How does that work? I increase the payments, still don't qualify for interest relief, and ultimately pay more... So I called to find out the status of my interest relief. They told me it had been declined (yet again) because I make too much money. For a difference of about $30 no less. But they still had not yet fixed the loan payment amount so I couldn't make as much as I should be able to. I asked about the revision of terms. A new one had been sent out today reflecting the 112 months. Even though I did not sign off on changing the terms my new loan payment amount will cost me about $30 more per month. Nothing quite like getting screwed again. Don't I at least get a kiss to go with this? It will wind up costing me something like $3200 more by the time it's paid off. I feel like I'm playing Monopoly except it's not "Bank Error in Your Favour"... It's "Government Error Not in Your Favour." Then they will finalize the terms and make a decision in 5-7 business days about my interest relief. I'm just hoping they make a decision before my next pay cheque... I really don't want any additional payments being made. But since I was only $30 off this time it should go through... And give me some peace... for a couple months any ways

Affordable Dental Care

I am really beginning to think that dental care should be more affordable. It would be really nice if it was free like the health care. But then with the issues getting quality health care maybe the goal should be affordable. To get half the dental work done that I needed cost approximately $2400. Now $2000 was paid for by the company but still. Right now I have a really bad cavity that will eventually become an infection if not treated. The problem is that I can't afford to get it fixed. Other bills have taken priority. But the pain is increasing and is causing other issues. More pain actually means I am grinding my teeth more and it is aggravating my TMJ. I have 100% coverage at work... but it only covers up to the fee guide (and not everything s covered). I can't afford the out of pocket costs. I know I need to get them fixed. But what am I supposed to do? Why is dental care so expensive? People keep telling me I need to get the work done... which is true. I really need to get the cavities filled. And I need to get a new mouthguard made. But unless I miraculously come up with about $400 to get the work done it's just not going to happen. I move for affordable dental care.

The Year Defined

Ever noticed a trend that seems to appear all year? Or something (maybe even a single event) that defines a year...

2002 was defined by school. It was the year I graduated from Western with my degree in psychology. Something I had my doubts about. There were certainly times when I did not think it was ever going to happen. But I did it. I graduated and got my BA (Hons.) I had a lot to be proud of. It wasn't all rosy since I did not have a job when I left school. But 7 months later I had a full time job that I have been at ever since.

2003 was defined by health. I had pneumonia, bronchitis 4x and then eventually the flu. I missed a lot of time at work as a result. The flu ended up defining a lot of things later on and shaped my life more then I ever thought it would. After all I am still fatigued. I may not be getting sick constantly like I was... but I am not 100%. All I want to do is sleep. Doctors don't seem to take that seriously either. I think because it takes a lot more work to identfy the underlying causes.

2004 was about decisions. I made the decision to drop out of school and just work full time. I also made the decision to move in with Adam. Both of those were big decisions. And I still wonder if they were the right decisions. Now I have my student loans to pay for and didn't finish that degree. I was more relaxed when in school and had less stress in my life. As for Adam the relationship ended... so was it the right decision to move in? I'll never know.

2005 can be defined by relationships. Unfortunately, it was not a good year for them. There was the ending of my relationship with Adam and everything that went with that. My stalker took a renewed interest in me. I was raped by a coworker that I was considering a relationship with. And then there was the relationship with Tristan. He still owes me money... and my health and well being were threatened by the people he owed money to.

So far I would have to say that 2006 has been defined by finances. It started with my LOA. 7 weeks off work with no income. Needless to say it was a long, tough period. By the time I got money I was back to work. Shortly after I went back to work my battle with the student loan center began and has not ended. There has been no resolution there. Just more frustration.... stress... and being stretched to the limits. Despite what they seem to think there is no way to get blood from a stone.

Even though 2006 isn't quite over... I am already wondering what 2007 will bring with it. What will be the theme that defines the year?

How Did We Get Here?

I was thinking about this post and then was reminded of the song "Hallowe'en" from Rent. Even the title seems to be poetic... But here are the lyrics for it

Hallowe'en
Mark Cohen

How did we get here?
How the hell..pan left--close on the steeple of the church. How did I get here, how the hell?
Christmas! Christmas eve, last year. I could a night so frozen be so scalding hot? How can a morning this mild be so raw?
Why are entire years strewn on the cutting room floor of memory as single frames of one magic night forever flicker in close up on the 3-D Imax of my mind. Thats poetic- thats pathetic.
Why did Mimi knock on Roger's door? and Collins choose that phone booth back where Angel
set up his drums. Why did Maureen's equiptment break down? Why am I the witness and when I capture it on film does it mean that its the end and I'm alone.

How did I get to this place? It's never the big decisions that end up changing your life... or at least they don't seem like big decisions at the time. Obviously it's a combination of factors and decisions. Me turning into a recluse is definitely related to a number of events... some small.. some huge. Money is obviously a big factor. But even beyond that... 3 years ago I had the flu and I'm not sure I ever really recovered from that. I was so sick I dropped to 70 pounds. It was after that I really started to battle the fatigue. Fatigue that stopped me from wanting to go out. I just wanted to sleep. Being sick also led to the decision to drop out of school and just work full time. I suppose I could say that was the turning point.

After that I was so tired that people started seeing me as anti-social... and then my relationship with Adam ended. Having your stalker as a roommate tends to create problems for your social life as well. I didn't want to go out because I was scared he would follow me out... or would take advantage of the intoxication. Being a victim of sexual assault also plays a role in that. It's safer to hide and be alone. There are no risks in that... And no one can hurt you.

I remember a time when I was social... out on the town every weekend. It was the one luxury I gave myself to keep myself sane. But now it's a far cry from that. I go to work... and I go home... And that's about it for my life. I can't even remember the last time I allowed myself a night on the time. Not that I can afford to at the moment... but I can't remember the last time I went out. I mean I've gone to Tammy's... and I went out to dinner with Pat. But that was it. The last time I went to the bar was almost a year ago when I was at the Christmas party for work.

I wish I wasn't so tired all the time. I really should go back to the doctor about that. It's not normal to be this tired. I can't pinpoint one event... Is it just stress induced? Is it from the flu? Is it PTSD? Is it fear? What has led to this point? Ultimately, it leads to the question, "Why?" Why did this happen? Could I have done anything differently? Lastly, how do I change things?

Starvation Diet

I came to the conclusion today that a starvation diet was not a good idea. Okay so it's not like I didn't know that before. When I'm stressed I have a tendency not to eat. I also haven't been able to go grocery shopping. And then with work I have been too busy to eat. It's been pure insanity trying to get things done. By the time I finished work today I had a migraine. The headache is now gone but I can still feel it in my neck and shoulders. One of the many effects of stress.

It's not like it's getting any better either. Tomorrow is pay day. Normally that should bring with it a sigh of relief. I worked 52 hours one week and there was a holiday. However the extra still won't be enough. Rent has to come out of this pay cheque so I don't get evicted. And then I have to pay off all those bills that I was behind on. So I still won't be able to get groceries, or at least won't be able to get much.

It's a viscious cycle. I keep trying to get ahead but I'm not even breaking even. In fact I keep getting further and further behind. And once again I have to call the bank and have my loan payment delayed. All I want is to not have to wonder how the bills are going to be paid and the groceries bought. Is that so much to ask? And I'd really like to get off the starvation diet.

At a Loss

Today was a moment of clarity.... amidst the insanity. I got off work and my ride had bailed on me. I could've got another ride home had it not been for the chiropractor appointment. So then I had to walk to the chiropractors. And when I got there I couldn't afford to pay the bill. I'm behind again... 3 bills already behind, to the tune of about $150. But what Charlene said was to keep fighting and not give up. I thought about that all the way home. I couldn't even afford the $1.75 to catch the bus and go home. With the cold my fibromyalgia was flaring up. The last thing I wanted to do was walk home. How do you fight when there is nothing left? I've got nothing left to give... I have been fighting this since May and am down to my last out. If this appeal is denied then I am out of options. By that point I'll be 3 months behind and I will have defaulted on the loan. At that point I expect my student loan will also go to collections. There is no fight left. I've fought the good fight... I've tried every channel I know to get something done and still come up short. I'm just at a loss. What am I supposed to do?

Interest Relief Update

I decided to re-read the letter I got from the National Student Loan Centre after trying to get ahold of someone for the 4th time today. It seems they have been really busy all day. Yes they are reassessing my student loan but the date on it says July 24th. That was before my initial appeal. I already know that in June I made too much money because of the bi-annual incentive. There's no way around that one. So I want the interest relief from July. I have no idea if the assessment is for June, July, or another month altogether. Fortunately for me I have to call them any ways. I suspect it's on hold... but I might at least get some answers. Assuming I can get ahold of something and stop hearing the "We are currently experiencing a higher then normal call volume. You might want to try your call again later."

Update: They lied to me... the lines really weren't busy. I got through immediately. Of course I am currently on hold. Jesus Christ... they denied my interest relief again and still have not fixed my payment amount, in spite of the letter I got indicating they were reassessing the loan. What does it take to get past the red tpe and get my interest relief approved? I am on hold again while they contact someone else. Looks like that department was actually busy. They don't have an answer for me... Just call back in a few days. And by then my next payment is due for the Royal Bank. However, they have taken my August payment and put it towards July instead. But regardless I am still a month behind. And still have no answers. Now I have to call the Royal Bank and try and get them to hold yet another payment and pray that it gets resolved soon.

This has definitely become a nightmare... It began 5 months ago and there is still no end in sight. Just more and more frustration. I am officially in hell.

Update 2: I just had to call them back and as expected my interest relief is on hold. They could approve it or deny it... but supposedly it would take affect for August. They should have a decsion within 5 business days. But I've heard that before.

Pillow

I came to the conclusion earlier that Azrael makes a really good pillow. Well as long as he's not moving around any ways. H's nice and warm... kind of cozy actually. Reminded me of Cold Case from last night actually where the lead address was using her cat as a pillow. I just wouldn't recommend using your cat as a pillow for an extended period of time. A) They're likely to move and B) They won't be too happy. I just figured it was payback since he uses me as a pillow all the time.

Digital Cable: The Final Chapter

So I called the cable company today. Digital cable is about the same price as analog cable... It's just having the receiver that is more expensive. Either way I figured I'd see what they would do for me since I had to have 3 service calls and was not getting the channels I was paying for. They're giving me a credit for the rental of the cable box. $20 + tax is still better then paying full price. It's not like I really missed all that much when it wasn't working. I do have PVR after all. So I was just recordin the shows any ways. There were only a couple of shows I missed out on. And I got a credit for the UFC fight as well since it wasn't crystal clear. So all in all I got about $70 in credits for the experience. And now my cable is back. So it's all good. Hopefully no more service calls in the near future.

False Hope

I got a letter in the mail today about my student loan. Since I did not sign the revision of terms (And how many times have I said that now?) they are reassessing my application for interest relief from July. No apology or anything useful... just a statement that they are reassessing it. And if it is not approved then I will still have an outstanding payment. But now I am back to limbo as well. I have decided I would rather have no hope at all then false hope. Don't get my hopes up just to destroy them. That letter just added to my frustration over the whole thing. I had given up on getting that approved and was trying to reapply. Now it seems like everything is on hold. And the more I fight it the more I end up behind. It's a lose/lose situation. I can't posily win. Don't give me hope... just give me an answer.

Ways to Avoid Paying a Student Loan

Since my student loan has become a real nightmare I am now having dreams of ways to avoid making payments on my student loan. If I went on another LOA at work my income would automatically fally below what I am allowed to work. Of course I wouldn't be able to pay bills either. So I guess that one is out. I could move out of the country. It would only cost me about $50 (and 6 months) to get the right of abode to live and work in Britain. That one is starting to sound more and more appealing. If I was in prison I wouldn't have to worry about the accomodations or paying off my student loan. In fact I could work on another degree for free. I can't include bankrupcy on that list. They changed the law so that student loans were exempt. In 2014 I can apply for bankrupcy and then it will take the student loan with it. Sadly, the best advice I had was to go back to school. Now for people with a loan with their bank supposedly if you take just one course then you qualify for interest relief. However, I looked into it and with the student loan center you have to be a full time student. I really don't want to add to my debt load. Besides they actually make it so you can't be a professional student. They even have a limit as to how long you can be on interest relief while in school. After 340 weeks you are SOL. At that point you have to start paying it back... even if you are still in school. From what I could figure that's about 6.5 years. I guess you're screwed if you are doing your PhD. So I guess I am going to have to keep dreaming up ways to avoid it... or hey maybe they'll just approve the interest relief and then I'll have a little breathing room... well for a couple of months any ways.

Getting the Government Involved

A friend of mine told me not that long ago that if I contacted the MP in Peterborough I would get the interest relief approved on the grounds that I am in a low income job. Initially I was holding off since I thought my application for interest relief would be approved before the payment was taken out by the Royal Bank. And then I would just be getting someone else involved needlessly. But as soon as that payment was taken out I started work on a letter to the MP. In it I discussed the fact 10% of people that graduated the same year I did have already defaulted on their loans, broke down where my pay cheque goes, and included copies of the letter that said "rent payments, cable TV, and credit cards" can not be used to appeal the decision. Now the last two I understand... but obviously they are not taking the cost of living into consideration. Maybe it's just me but they should not be allowed to bankrupt you or cause you to be homeless so they can get their money. I want to be able to pay off my loan... I just can't. I didn't stop at the MP though. I also made a copy for the MPP, the minister of education, and the premier. I don't expect Dalton McGuinty to do anything for me... In fact I have my doubts that he will even see it. But at least I am being proactive and exploring every possible avenue to achieve some sort of resolution.

Digital Cable

So the cable guy was back out today.... Well I guess I can't really say he was "back out" since it was a different guy. He was here for about an hour, when the average service call is about 35 minutes. He checked all the lines and ended up putting an amplifier on the line to boost the signal. So far so good. We'll see in a few days if I am still getting all the channels. For once Azrael was not sleeping on the cable box. Normally Azrael is not all that social except with me. He won't visit other people. But when the cable guy was here he was being much more social. He was even pawing at the tools hanging on his belt. It's funny because the only other person that Azrael will visit is Adam. Otherwise he is just a mama's boy. Maybe I should've found out if the cable guy was single *lol* I do know he likes Nascar, went to the race in Michigan, plays hockey and is a volunteer firefighter. What can I say he was here for an hour. But hey the digital cable is working again. And tomorrow I am going to be calling Cogeco about getting a credit on my account. So that is some good news. It's working... and I will get some money back since I've been paying for digital cable and haven't been getting it.

Tears of Frustration

I think everything is catching up with me. When it rains it pours and it has just been one thing after another. Everyone has a breaking point where they just can't take any more. My issues with the cable are relatively minor but when you add that to everything else that has been going on it just compounds the frustration.

Issues at work are a little more serious. Let's recap how it works... My team has 24 agents currently. Normally there are 2 performance coaches on a team. We do the call evaluations (one per agent per week), answer questions, training sessions, team meetings, trend analyses, etc. Translation: We do a lot of work. Oh and we also take calls for 3 hours a day. So with only one person doing that job it is extremely difficult. My team manager sent out an email telling the agents not to ask me questions.. but that doesn't seem to stop some of them. Some agents are really good at making my job easy.... and others are a pain in the ass. I don't have time to baby sit them. So if I am there the entire week and work extremely hard I somehow manage to get it done. After all I asked for help and didn't get it. I was on vacation at the beginning of this week. And I told the quality manager the issues I was having. She called an emergency meeting to discuss things... since the teams are not all the same. Some have a much smaller number. Everyone agreed that they would help out. I went on vacation and when I came back only one of my agents had been listened to. Two agents had been missed for the week, which quickly turned into three. I just about lost it when I came back into work. They told me the work would be done... that I didn't have anything to worry about. My agents knew no one had filled in. It did not demonstrate teamwork very well. In total 4 evaluations were not done this week. As a team that means our mandate was not met. Now we get a pass since I did everything possible to get it covered and it didn't get done. But overall it's not me that gets penalized. It's the agents. This is their time for coaching. It is when we listen to the calls that we might notice trends and be able to give pointers. It's also a chance to let them know what they're doing well. This week witll be more of the same. I'm just going under the assumption that I am doing it all myself and am planning the week accordingly. It's going to be difficult since I have meetings on 2 of those days but I'll do whatever I need to in order to get things done.

The big one is obviously my student loan. I was just going to say finances... but it was not for my student loan and my ongoing battle with the national student loan center financially I would be okay. Since it has taken so long for them to make a decision the Royal Bank took out my payment. As a result I am about to bounce a $25 payment... which will end up costing me $75. With $6 in my bank account there is nothing I can do about it. But it is definitely frustrating. Had they not taken the payment I would've ben fine. Their inefficiencies and incompetencies just keeps costing me more and more money unecessarily. Plus this week I have a chiropractor appointment and don't have the money to pay for it. So I got caught up on bills only to be put back into the red. Is it ever going to end? After 5 months of fighting the student loan center I am not sure how much more I can take. I feel like I am backed into a corner with no way out. Talk about frustration.

Should Have Called in Sick

I knew I should've called in sick this morning. I didn't get much sleep last night and wasn't feeling well this morning. I think the heat in the apartment is getting to me. It makes it hard to breathe at times. But I knew Amy was going to be there waiting for me. So I hauled my ass into work. I'm still not sure if that was the best idea... I got to work and then had to weed through all my emails. But even before that I opened the coaching planner to see how much help other people had helped out. Apparently that was a mistake. In 4 days one evaluation was done. Since our team has 23 people (I think) and each person is supposed to be listened to once a week (unless sick or on vacation) that's not a good thing. I went looking for our quality manager to see what she recommended since there was no way that mandate was going to be met. Plus two of my agents were gone for the remainder of the week. Couldn't find her so I started taking calls like I normally do. My manager came in at 10:00 and by about 10:30 I was taken off the phones. After all I had other work that needed to be done, not just the evaluations. But I was already stressed about it. At 2:00 all the managers had a meeting. Partway through there were suddenly a LOT of volunteers helping out. It was like they had the fear of God (or maybe just of their job) instilled in them. But I still ended up doing 6 evaluations today. That is a great deal of work. They are pretty time consuming. Plus I have a new agent on my team that asks a lot of questions. At 5:30... just when I thought I was done work and could leave... one of my agents was raising his voice at a customer and talking down to them. So then I had to log into their phone and listen. I never enjoy that. Finally was able to log out but didn't have a ride home. I ended up being at work 45 minutes late and then was able to get a ride home. It was a long day and I m still wondering if I shouldn't have just called in sick and gone back to bed this morning.

150 Days

Today is officially day number 150 without nicotine. So that means I have been a non-smoker for 5 months now. I am impressed by that fact. There have been a lot of temptations and a lot of stress. There are quite a few people that are shocked I haven't gone back to it. But I haven't. I take it one day at a time and so far it's working... Hopefully I actually have money when I hit the 6 month mark so I can actually celebrate that milestone. Of course the only time I even really think about it is when I am with someone that is smoking... or when I see an agent going out for a smoke. Overall, this might have been the easiest time I've had quitting. But I know from past exerience that all it takes is one overwhelming stressor to go back to it. Day by day... it's all you can do.

Time Off

Aside from the whole student loan situation I am enjoying my time off work. It's nice to actually relax. Of course the best part is being able to stay in my PJs. The only downside has been the fact I am still chained to my computer. Granted this time it's by choice... but still. I am amazed at just how much time I can lose to the internet... to email... to games... and also to those applications designed to make my life easier and more productive. Having a portable computer makes it even more difficult. Now I never seem to get away. And I always have one more thing that I could do... some new presentation I could work on.... A video I could be editing... etc. I kep telling myself I am going to just put it away and enjoy some time to myself... but it doesn't happen. Azrael does a good job of getting me to relax by curling up on the keyboard or on my lap. It's his subtle hint to take a break. It's also because he is kind of needy. Thursday I am back to work but I am on days and not working extended hours... so it won't be too bad. Then in a month I have another vacation. It's all about capitalizing the days off.

So It Begins Again

Just when you think you just might be getting ahead... I finally had my bills caught up, except one but that was an oversight. And then the Royal Bank got ahold of my account. I applied for interest relief towards the end of September. Someone want to explain why it takes so long for that to be decided? I called the student loan center yet again and they just got the information from the Royal Bank. I was told to call back on Friday to find out if it had been approved. Assuming that it is (And after fighting them for 5 months I'm not assuming anything) then it will take another 3 weeks to get the money back from the bank. I'd like to say that then I have 6 months of peace and quiet. But since it takes so long for them to decide it's more like 4 months. No wonder my stress level is so high. Ever since I had to start applying for interest relief it has been an ongoing struggle and it's always in the back of my mind. And until I get my interest relief approved I am now behind the 8 ball again. Upcoming bill payments and no money to pay them with. I just cannot seem to get anything started. It's like rubbing 2 sticks together and trying to start a fire. I could put in some OT again this week but I really don't want to. It takes such a toll on you. Is this ever going to end?

Forgiven

After my weekend away I think Azrael has finally forgiven me. When I got home he had taken a piece off one of his toys and I had to put that back together. He had also utterly destroyed the roll of paper towel. That was all over the kitchen. Azrael is not used to me being away overnight. It happens so infrequently. As soon as I came back he was all over me... And was following me around the apartment. He is finally being a little more independant and is not hanging off me. Regardless he is still my baby. And sadly it is tough for me to leave him overnight... But it is nice to know I have been forgiven and everything is back to normal. Of course he can't figure out why I am home now since I am on vacation... and just as he gets used to that I will be back to work.

More Cable Problems

Some days it really sucks that cable companies have such a monopoly. I can't get satellite where I am because my apartment is on the wrong side of the building. But digital cable is not turning out to be all it's cracked up to be. Supposed to be this amazing quality, crystal clear and you get all kinds of channels. It worked fine in my last apartment. But I've had nothing but problems since I moved in. At first I didn't think much of it since I could just record the shows I wanted to. Then it got progressively worse. They sent a technician out to the house back at the end of August and almost 2 months later it still hasn't been fixed properly. And each time they send someone out that means that I have to be home... so now I have to give up my days off to wait around for them to show up. Not to mention the fact the first guy was supposed to come back with an amplifier and never showed up again. I still don't have the amplifier. According to the diagnostics from the receiver the signal loss is huge, and that's for the channels that I am getting. I did find out what happens when a sporting event is blacked out. Rather then give you an error message it just freezes the image of the previous channel. So a) I am not getting my digital channels, b) I have to make sure I am available on Sunday when they send the technician out, and c) I am paying for digital cable and am not getting what I paid for. Guess it's about time I call the billing support for Cogeco cable and have a few words with them. See what type of compensation I can get for my troubles.

UFC 64

So this weekend was UFC 64. It was a nice way to kick off my vacation. I must admit I was pretty tired leaving work on Friday. 12.5 hour shifts are long... and they really tax you. I spent half of Friday trying to stay awake. Then when I left work I went to Tammy's for the weekend. I was there for the UFC fight. There were some good fights on the card. In fact the only one that was a dsiappointment was the title fight between Franklin and Silva. For one, I didn't think that Silva had earned the right to have a title shot. But then Franklin just didn't look himself. Finished in the first round. The Sean Sherk vs Kenny Florian was a really good fight.

What I find even more interesting is that I always get a good night sleep when I am over at Tammy's. I'm usually still tired... but a) I get up earlier then I do at home and b) I'm not nearly as groggy. I find that really weird. I spent $1000 on my mattress and still don't feel rested. I just find that kind of odd.

It was a nice relaxing weekend though... It's always nice to get away every once in a while. I get so used to my routine and being alone that I forget to have a life every once in a while. Ever since the fall of last year when everything just sort of went to hell... I've been pretty solitary. Keeps me out of trouble at least.

Never Enough to Go Around

I got paid on Friday and was finally able to breathe a sigh of relief. I was supposed to receive a letter in the mail about my student loan this week and never did. So I am still a little stressed about that. But I was able to get caught up on my bills. So Friday was a good day. But there is never enough to go around. The tax man liked my pay cheque as well. I got 65% of my gross pay. It would have been 80% if not for my pension plan. So, like always, there are always more things I would like to spend my money on then actual money. But I think that is the way it goes for everyone... unless they have a virtually limitless supply of cash. I'm just happy the bills are caught up now... and hopefully my interest relief finally gets approved... It's only been a fight since May. I'm hoping I find out in the next couple of days so that I can finally put it to rest.. for a few months any ways. I'd also really like them to stop taking money out of my account. That would be nice. The good news is that as long as my interest relief has gone through then I am back on track... and can stop talking how broke I am and how I can't pay bills.

One More Day

Just one more day... I still don't know about my application for interest relief but in 9 hours I will finally have money again. :o) The overtime hours are paying off... literally. Sure most of it will be used to pay off bills but at least I know I will be back on track. Now I just have to figure out how to maximize the spending potential. I don't think I'll have enough to get the dental work done... but maybe on the next pay cheque.

I would celebrate if I wasn't so tired right now... too many long shifts. And I still have one more to get through. I get home, have dinner, and it's pretty much time for bed. Tomorrow night I am heading over to a friends for the weekend. The next UFC event is this weekend so I'll be watching it at Tammy's. It's a nice way to begin the vacation although I am so tired right now I would probably be just as happy to be at home passed out.

I am going to miss my little buddy while I'm gone. Azrael has been my therapist... and my comforter. He has been a huge suck the last couple of nights. It's nice to come home and be greeted. It's also nice when he curls up with me. I know I am not going away that long but still.

Almost the End

I can almost see the light at the end of the tunnel. It seems like the nightmare might almost be over. Of course this is still assuming that my application for interest relief is finally approved. I should find out at some point this week. And if it goes through then I will be getting caught up on my bills. I'm also seeing the end of my long hours as well... and am looking forward to that. I could really use the sleep. I could also use the vacation that comes at the end of that.

But the hits just keep on coming. Today I bounced a payment to Dell. It's the downside to automatic payments... I have a tendency to forget about them. I decided to pick up a few groceries so I could make lunch... and wound up not having enough to cover the payment. Right after they took out the payment then I got the money back from the chiropractor. Unfortunately for me I think it was too little too late. It was also partially because the bank was closed on Monday with the holiday. So the $25 payment is about to become a $75 payment. *Sigh* Not exactly what I wanted.

Have I mentioned it really is an emotional rollercoaster? Just when I think I'm getting ahead something happens. I would really like to finish getting my dental work done as well. I still have a chipped tooth and it's becoming more and more painful. At this point I would just like to have the tooth removed... or get the cavities filled. But it's not exactly cheap... even with the 100% coverage from work. I got a lot of the work done before, just not the upper right hand side. So somehow... when I get done bringing my bills up to date I also have to pay the $200-$300 to the dentist. It's a never ending cycle. I guess that's why they say no matter how much you make it will never be enough.

Company Pool

Now I am sure a few people saw the title and think that they would love to work for a company that has a pool... Come to think of it that would be really nice.... not just a discount on a fitness plan... but an actual membership. Any ways... I was actually thinking today about a comment a former manager made. We were at an "off site" meeting (AKA a meeting at Kelsey's on the companys dime... complete with alcohol... might be related to the reason they are no longer a manager) when the manager said, "Don't swim in the company pool." What she was referring to was dating co-workers. I'm not sure why I was even thinking about that today. But it was reminding me of the six degrees of separation. There are way too many associations around that place. Now if you just went with team leaders and team changes then it would be way too easy. But if you look at relationships (or one night stands for that matter) it's still pretty scary. I remember when I started there and my mentor said that the average was to be with 3 co-workers. The company has grown since then... Obviously some people are married or were in relationships before they started working here... but then there are others that have more then met the average. Sometimes it really feels like high school. Maybe I can recapture my youth *lol* Maybe tomorrow when I am on calls I'll start connecting the dots and play the Six Degrees of Minacs Game.... Things you do when you're bored.

Wish List

Remember when you were a kid and you came up with a wish list every year in time for Christmas? The Sears Wish Book was the best thing ever.... I know my birthday is over a month away... but I need something to give me hope. I've come to the conclusion that you need something to focus on... other then just paying bills. You always need to be able to treat yourself to something. That's what gives you hope. Right around the same time as my birthday though I'll also be celebrating the fact I'll be nicotine free for six months (November 17th). I still take that one day at a time though since I've made it this long before and then went back to it. And there are times I am tempted. But here is the current wish list... just for entertainment value.

Criminal Minds (Season 1)
CSI Miami (Season 4)
CSI Las Vegas (Season 6)
James Bond Ultimate Collection (4 Volumes)

Now I know I should be able to afford the first three.... but the last one is going to cost me a fair chunk of change. Granted in total it's 40 disks but to get them all will cost me about $340. Still... that is only $17 per movie so it's not bad... but still... shelling out that kind of money at one time isn't quite so nice. But since it's 4 volumes it's not like I have to buy them all at once. And 2 volumes are being released at the beginning of November and the other 2 at the beginning of December. So they are somewhat spaced out. But hey it's my wish list...

Side Effects of Stress

Stress has all kinds of negative side effects. There are the long term effects like heart disease. But there are also the more immediate effects of low back pain, and pain in the neck and shoulders. I'm really feeling those effects right now. Fortunately I am back to the chiropractor on Tuesday. It's been three weeks since I was there last... normally it's every other week. So I am really feeling it.

The more stress I feel the more the more I clench my teeth as well. It's an unconscious response to the stress. The problem is that when you bite down you use a great deal of force. It wears down the teeth and it causes a great deal of pain. When I open my jaw I can hear it pop. I used to have a mouth guard to prevent the TMJ from acting up but it broke a little while ago. I can't get a new one made until a) the cavities are all filled and b) I have the $300 it costs to get one made. Too bad most of the treatment for TMJ is done through dentists... so it ends up being pretty expensive. But the pain is agonizing.

I'm not sure if it is related but I am also experiencing a great deal of sinus pressure. I feel like I am fighting an ear infection or something. That's the downside to chraniofacial pain... It's all connected and since it radiates it's hard to find the source. I tried applying ice but it did not make a difference.

I really should go see my doctor but it's not exactly that easy to go to Pickering. I've been working Monday to Friday for quite a while now. Plus there is the cost of getting there and back. It's been almost 5 months since I saw the doctor... The last time I was there he was referring me to the hematologist. At that point in time he thought I was going to need a bone marrow biopsy. It all started with the rheumatologist... who has already said he won't treat Fibromyalgia because it's too common... Maybe Dr. McLean will send me to Mount Sinai since they have an entire treatment team for both TMJ and for Fibromyalgia. But then I have to be able to get to Toronto for treatment. I am not sure I like that option either. The downside to not having a local doctor. You tend to put off getting treatment unless you absolutely need it.

Holiday Weekend

Time for another holiday weekend. A time when most people are spending time with family. I am sort of wishing that I was getting some turkey... or at least a home cooked meal. I'll rephrase that.. a home cooked meal that I wasn't cooking. But then the starvation diet isn't working so well. Before you ask it's not that I am intentionally choosing to starve myself. I am just so fatigued when I get home that I dont want to cook anything. I can barely eat what I do make. I'm also still broke so I can't afford to buy groceries... 7 more days and I'll be back on track :o)

As for the holiday weekend... I'm back in to work tomorrow. Sunday I am off and the technician for the cable company should be here to fix my digital cable. Monday it's back to work. I'm going to be there from open until close... 12.5 hours. The good news is that I am on hourly wages. So $35.38/hr. Making $406 in one day actually makes it worth being there for so long.

Needless to say it's not really a holiday for me. I only have one day off and will likely be sleeping for most of it. Or at least will be taking it easy and just trying to unwind.

Overtime

Looks like I just might squeak by and avoid filing for bankrupcy after all. It's contingent on the National Student Loans Center getting something right. I have reapplied for interest relief but in order to be approved they still have to fix my loan payment... something they have been unable to do so far. So I am only cautiously optimistic. It's great that I might be able to get caught up. The downside is that it means working 55 hours a week. Last week I worked 48 hours, spread out over 6 days. Had one day off and then have been working longer shifts all week. Once again it's a 6 day work week. Next week 12.5 hour days. About the only thing that keeps me going is the fact I'll have 5 days off at the end. It's pretty tiring though. A lot of mixed emotions there too. Happy that I should be able to get my bills caught up... but discouraged that for all the extra hours I am putting in it's to catch up... and doesn't mean that I'll have spending cash or be getting ahead. Counting down the days until I am on vacation... 8 days to go :o)

Life Lessons

I was just watching Law and Order: SVU. Sure it can hit close to home... but I remember that it's just a TV show and is just drama. But tonight's epsiode had a couple of lines that really had an impact. So I thought I'd share...

"How can I ever repay you?"
"Move on. Live your life. Don't lock yourself away like I did."

It's so easy to hang on to the past and get stuck in it. Days turn into weeks... which turns into months... and then years... It doesn't take long before you are stuck in the past. It becomes consuming and you're no longer living your life. You are a prisoner and never get free. Doesn't mean it's easy to let it go but in order to live your life you do need to move on from whatever is holding you back.

PDA

Don't worry I didn't decide to wash the new one... or destroy it in any way *lol* Actually I just plugged in my old one. It was working just fine... as long as it was connected to power any ways. So it looks like it has now dried out. All I need to do now is replace the battery on it. Then we'll see. Not that I have any use for 2 but it would be nice to know that it still works. Especially since I am still paying for it.

Validation

Ever notice that we shrug off comments made by other people... but when it comes from someone that truly understands where you are coming from it makes a huge difference. You really feel validated then for feeling the way you do. I have had a number of people tell me I was courageous for going to the police and for pressing charges against Mike. But it was a long, drawn out process and ultimately the charges were dropped. For as much as people said I did the right thing I had lost that sense of justice and was beginning to wonder if I did the right thing. In fact I was thinking there was no right answer... There was just pain and more pain. But I got a reply on my blog that reminded me I am not alone. Every 2.5 minutes someone is raped. 65% are never reported. That is scary. But when they said I was brave for reporting it I suddenly felt validated. No it wasn't the outcome I would've liked to have seen but I can hold my head high. I didn't let him get way with it. I did everything I could and I would've seen it through. There was no fairty tale ending to the story but there were some valuable life lessons... including one in making a stand even when you are all alone.

What Exactly Is Their Job Description?

In a perfect world my interest relief would've been approved and I would've got back the $800. Or maybe that was just a dream I was having... I finally gave up on that little quest. I am back to reapplying for interest relief.

But there is something I just can't figure out. A long time ago I asked them to reduce my payments. I never ended up authorizing it and didn't realize that they had actually reduced it. Then it ended up costing me. The lower the payments the lower the amount of money I can make. So that would be why my dream turned out to be a nightmare. I called and asked them to adjust it. I was told they were going to. Then my interest relief application was denied again. They still didn't adjust it. All they put on my file is that there was a "dispute over the loan payment amount." Now I never authorized the reduction... and have now tried to get them to increase the payment 3x and have even documented it... but somehow they can't seem to do it.

Makes me wonder what these people do.... I'm starting to think I want their job. Make everyone else's life hell and not do anything. And since it's a government job I expect the wages and benefits are good. My only question... what is their job description?

Glimmer of Hope

Finally some good news amidst the financial nightmare. It may not be earth shattering... but it's still something positive. Mike finally quit. So if he shows up at work then I can probably have him charged for breaking the peace bond. Work was excluded before but since he no longer works there... It was rough seeing him every time I had to photocopy something, go to the printer, or even go to the bathroom. He was in my line of sight each time. It was a painful reminder... not like I ever forget. So it may not be much but it is something positive. I am a little more relaxed at work. It's a small glimmer of hope.

Bankrupcy in 5-4-3-2-1

As you can tell things have not changed in my world. I am no longer optimistic about my fight with interest relief. The best thing I think I can hope for is that I can reapply for interest relief and not have to pay for 6 months. But that won't help me pay the outstanding bills or recover the money that it's already cost me. I get paid again on Fridy but virtually all of it has to go towards rent so I don't get evicted. If my loan hasn't been strightened out by then I think that will be rock bottom, financially at least. By that point I'll be $300 behind in bill payments and the next set of bills will be on the horizon.

As you can imagine I am a little stressed right now about that. There is still a ray of hope that my interest relief will be approved but that ray is rapidly dimming. I don't want to get my hopes up again just to have them come crashing down. After all they denied me and then denied the appeal.

It's also aggravating that they do not take into consideration living expenses. I don't have $600 a month to spend on my student loan. It's not that I don't want to pay it off... I just can't. I already spend almost half of my income (after deductions) on rent. I don't have money to have a life... or buy clothes. I haven't even had money to buy groceries in 3 weeks. Yet I supposedly make too much money to qualify for interest relief.

Back in July I applied for the team leader position but that was a short lived thought. Right about now I am definitely wishing that I had been put forward and at least got the interview. Well okay, I'd really like to have gotten the promotion and the pay increase that would go with it. Had it not been for dad's help I would be even further behind... well basically I would've gone under by now. Dad suggested I either look for a job that pays more or get a rish boyfriend. If I wanted either I firmly believe I would have to move out of Peterborough. I could move to TO and apply for the Apple Retail Store. Sad when retail is a pay increase. But I don't want to. I want to keep working here. In spite of everything that has happened during my time there I still believe in the company and do see the potential. It could be a great place to work. But pretty soon I may not have a choice. I have to make ends meet. *Sigh*

120 Days

Today it has now officially been 120 days since I quit smoking. Hard to believe it is 4 months already. There are still times I am tempted, especially when stressed... but it's gotten easier over time. One of the guys at work forgets that I was a smoker until I mention it. But I was outside every chance I got having a smoke. Healthwise, I do think it has made a difference. I still take it one day at a time... so today is day number 121.

Sick

I called in sick today for the first time since March. With all the stress the Fibromyalgia had been flaring up. By this morning my neck and back were really tight. I didn't want to call in sick but I really felt like I needed a day off to try and relax... Almost impossible but it's a nice thought. I was so worn out that I slept until early afternoon. Still low on energy. I've been pushing myself way too hard... scared to call in sick... completely stressed out... and it's really starting to take a toll on me physically.

$74 < $300

In spite of the fact I just got paid yesterday I now have $74 in my bank account. This time it was the Royal Bank taking money out of my account. It's very discouraging going into work knowing that no matter how hard you work you still won't make enough money. And each day I just get further and further behind. Like right now I need $300 just to pay bills to the end of the month, not including groceries. Kind of hard to do when you have $74 in the bank account. And my next pay cheque will just barely cover rent. I'm no long optomistic about interest relief kicking in after it has been such a long drawn out battle. It's extremely stressful when you work full time but are not making ends meet. It's all I can think about. I feel like my back is against the wall and I have no way out. I can actually understand why people turn to gambling and become addicted to it. Not that I am going to gamble away the little money I have left... but I can see the appeal. I'm not making ends meet as it is... so why not try and win more money somehow. It's a longshot but things aren't working as it is. Dad said maybe I should look for another job, one that pays more. The problem is that I live in Peterborough. I make $13.95/hour. Here that is a respectable wage... I make close to $30,000 a year (or at least would've had it not been for the LOA). It's the cost of living here in Peterborough that's an issue. So I am destined to live from pay cheque to pay cheque with no refuge in sight... barring a promotion any ways.

Invisible Disease

I was talking to Adam earlier tonight and he was saying that he knows someone with Fibromyalgia. They seem to be using it as an excuse to be lazy and he thought of me. I am able to hold down a full time job and don't use it as an excuse. Having said that I also try to do too much and suffer in silence. Fibromyalgia is called an "invisible disease" because you don't appear to be sick. It's a struggle every day for me to get out of bed and go to work. People don't see that. I don't think that fatigue is a good enough reason to miss work but it is hard. All I want to do is get some rest.

But rest is a foreign concept. My immune system was already weak and then I had the flu. That was the end... I'm not sure I ever really recovered from that. I lost 20 pounds... as if I had 20 pounds to lose. I went back to work too soon and tried to finish the semester at school. Not a good scene. Plus I moved in with Adam around the same time. I never got away from the fatigue and it just kept getting worse. But I wouldn't let on how bad it was... as I struggled to get out of bed... never really being awake... I don't even have the energy to be social.

My life revolves around going to work and then going home... It's all I have the energy for. And even then it's debatable. I am still amazed that I can function at work and manage to keep going. It is sheer determination and willpower. That's for damn sure. But there are two things in my favour at work. For one, it's not manual labour. Second, I'm not taking calls all day now so I do get a lot of mini breaks. I find that I need that to get through the day.

I know I should go back to the doctor. But doctors don't seem to take fatigue seriously. Again it's not something that you can easily see (unlike the infection I was battling a couple of weeks ago) and it takes a lot of work to determine why it is. And for me to get to Pickering isn't exactly convenient. So I continue to suffer in silence with this invisible disease.

One Year Ago...

Okay so it's not one year ago today... but rather 1 year ago Saturday... a day that will live forever in memory. It's a day that really shook my sense of justice... as well as my sense of safety and security. It all started with an email that was sent to the entire company... about a birthday celebration at one of the local bars. We won't even go into proper use of the company email... or potential liabilities... but any ways... I decided to go out after work. Mistake #1 was going out. Mistake #2 was drinking. Mistake #3 was telling Mike he could stay at my place so he wouldn't get fired. Mistake #4 was either not going back to Tristan's instead... or letting Mike in. With the exception of the next day when I was at the police station I still have not allowed myself to completely relive the experience. It's still too painful, even a year later. Looking back, if I had known what the aftermath at work would be... and if I had known the charges were going to be dropped because of a lack of witnesses (what the hell did they expect... that it was being caught on camera??) I never would've pressed charges. I know that people have said I did the right thing... and that it took courage to report it and press charges. That may be... and you can think less of me... but if I had to do that part of it all over again I would not have pressed charges. I would've suffered in silence. And for those that say by not pressing charges then he wins... He won any ways... I was the only one that lost. I paid a high price that night and in the following months. It still haunts me...

Songs in the Key of X

Okay so maybe this isn't X Files... but I'm thinking Aliens could do a better job then the government of sorting out my student loan. Might be as much of a conspiracy though. I came home from work and was looking forward to some relaxation. I needed it... but instead get a letter from the student loans center. My appeal was denied. They still seem to think I make too much money. So I pulled the application and the allowble income portion of it. My student loan payments are $604/month... so according to their own forms I can make up to $2378. My declared income was $2312. I know it was close but it was still under the allowable income. So I decided to check my bank statement since they pulled out another payment on September 1st. They were still pulling out the reduced amount...the reduction I never authorized. One of the last times I called in I asked them to put the payments back to the full amount. Looks like they couldn't even do that for me. I ask myself... what the hell do they do all day? I'm thinking it is part of their job description to screw people over... and to actually make mistakes. Normally that would not go over well in a business.... but this is the government. And of course they take more money this way... and if I do default on my loan then I wouldn't qualify for interest relief. They even admitted, when denying my appeal that the cost of living is not factored in. But what exactly am I supposed to do? I am already a month behind and I can't afford to make any more payments. I just don't have the money. I can't even afford to pay my other bills at this point. And I know I should qualify for interest relief. The worst part is that even if I do get it resolved... and finally get my interest relief I get to start this process all over again in another 3 months. *sigh* Will it ever end?

Uneventful Week

It was a pretty uneventful week. Not much going on at the moment. Figured I should post before people start getting concerned though. I'm completely over the infection and no longer sick. Never did take any time off work. But I am currently finishing up my 2 days off. Back to the grindstone tomorrow.

Work was a little stressful this week. All the work that I would normally have 5 days to complete I had to do in 4 days with the holiday. We got it done, but barely. Looking forward to having the usual 5 days to do it.

Had Pat over for a celebration dinner. I wanted to congratulate her for getting team leader. And no I didn't give her food poisoning or anything. *lol* It was a late dinner though since we didn't get off work until 9:30... or at least that was when we were supposed to be off work. Instead it was more like 9:45 before I even got off the call I was on.

Other then that... nothing else to really say. Like I said it has been pretty uneventful. Not entirely a bad thing. I didn't need any more drama. I like peace and quiet.

Mac Addict

The other day I was at work and Pete was reminding me of how nice it is to use a Mac. When I first started working I always said I would never buy a Mac. I could build a PC for much cheaper so why get a Mac? I held to that idea... This year I had a decision to make. I couldn't build a laptop so I was going to be buying one... Do I get a PC or do I get a Mac? Initially I was PC all the way. And then Apple released iWeb... software for web design that came free with the computer. That had a great deal of appeal for me. Just look into the entire iLife suite and it's hard not to like it. The drawback was the price. But since I am a performance coach I figured getting the Mac would also be beneficial for my agents. See I am not entirely selfish.... So I went with the Mac. And when Pete and I were talking I was reminded that, although the first one was a DOA computer, the second has been extrememely stable. With my PC I was reformatting about once a month. I have yet to reinstall with this one. No blue screen of death. In fact I haven't had to restart unless I chose to. It hasn't locked up. So while it costs more... that's not such a bad thing when it means I don't have to spend hours reinstalling or troubleshooting the system. I'm starting to see why Mac users are fanatics. Everything just works... and they are really easy to use. Not to mention everything is Apple... not Microsoft for the OS, ATI (or NVIDIA) for the video card, etc. Looks like I am switching over and am joining the fan club. Less frustration and down time as a result of the switch. And I still have my Microsoft Office. For basic photo editing I have iPhoto. And for those that really do need a copy of Windows there is always Virtual PC for older Macs and either Boot Camp or Parallels for the new intel Macs. Mac addicts unite!

The Root of All Evil

Money really is the root of all evil... or at least of all stress. It's really tough knowing that no matter how hard I work I am still not making enough money to make ends meet. And it's all because of my student loan. I have now paid $759 to the student loan center and am still behind on payments. It really is an empty feeling when you realize that even though you have paid that much money you are still behind. And, on top of that, I can't even make my bill payments. I get paid tomorrow and it still won't be enough. :o( There is no hope in bringing my student loan up to date. But I can't afford to pay the cable bill, my cell phone bill or buy groceries either. That's really stressing me out. All I need to get things right is for my interest relief to be granted... Then I'd have $220 coming back to me. But the way things seem to be going that is going to be an uphill battle... one that I currently seem to be losing.

Mail

There was some good news this week. Well things at work were pretty good. I had a lot of respect from the agents and was able to get done most of what I wanted to. But at home we finally have mailboxes again. I am still not sure why it took 3 months to get them but any ways. At least it means I don't have to walk all the way to Rye St. to get my mail. Granted I didn't really want all the bills that were waiting but it's nice to be able to just go downstairs and get the mail. With the way I am feeling I was dreading going down to Rye St. to get my mail. And now I don't need to.

Adventures of the Past Week

This story really began in a previous post and me not sticking it out at the hospital. That was last Tuesday. On Wednesday I was back to work. I spent the last of my laundry money in cab fare to get to work. There was no way I was going to be able to walk there. People have said that the pain was just written all over my face and I was actually white. I could see the infection by this point and could not move my arm. I was really nursing the arm. The lump was pressing on the muscles which is why there was so much pain. I only went to work because I had two meetings to go to that day. I even stuck it out for the entire shift. Then it was back to the ER. I got there around 10:00. For two hours they did not call a single name. The first person waiting to be called had been there for almost 4 hours. Just to make matters worse three of the nurses were called to help the patients that had been admitted. And two of the doctors were going home. They ended up getting the doctors to stay for an extra hour. As expected it was infected. For whatever reason I had developed an abscess that had become infected. They had to cut it open and drain it. Then they had to pack it. That was one of the most painful things I've ever had done. They said they were going to freeze it. So I was under the assumption that I wasn't going to feel anything. Yeah right... Brought me to tears. At least they gave me T3s. After 2.5 hours I was able to go home... But Steve wasn't there to pick me up. I waited a half hour and then decided to just walk home. After all I was hoping to make it to work the next day. Every step I took with my left foot was excruciating because it jarred the whole side of my body. I cried all the way home. the medication kicked in and I went to bed. Too bad it really didn't help me sleep.

So that was the second trip to the hospital. On Thursday I did go to work. I was tired and still in pain but was determined to make it in. This time I did walk to work. After work it was back to the hospital to have the bandages changed. Another hour and a half wait... More pain as they unpacked it and then repacked it. Then they put moleskin all the way around my arm to prevent it from being aggravated. I had limited mobility at that point. Got home and, once again, it was time for bed.

Friday I didn't have to go to the hospital. That was finally some good news. I really didn't want to have to go back. Yet I still went into work, in spite of it all. I'm still not sure if it was dedication or insanity. I wanted to set an example. And I had a job to do. I wanted to make sure it got done.

Saturday more of the same. I walked to work and was starting to feel the pain in my muscles. I woke up with a sore throat as well. For the 4th straight day I did not take any calls. Whenever I was typing I had to take breaks. It was insanely busy so I didn't get to leave on time. I had to wait for my ride. I also helped people get off their calls. So I didn't get home until after 10:00. I had to take the bandages off and remove the packing. That took a really long time. Some of it was slow on account of pain as well. Then it was bedtime since I was going back on day shifts the next day. I didn't even have time for dinner.

Sunday at least I had a ride to work... Although initially he forgot about me. I actually had to call work and tell them I would be late. Then Steve showed up. Now I was back to taking calls. But what's worse then being in pain? Being sick and in pain... As soon as I woke up I was congested beyond belief and could feel it into my ears. My throat was also still sore. I get really irritable when I'm sick. I might have called in sick but I had a coaching session that absolutely had to be done that day.

Monday was finally the last day I had to work. It was a 6 day stretch and I was definitely in need of time off. I got home and was watching TV. I actually managed to fall asleep which is unusual for me. I might have just gone to bed but I knew Steve was stopping by after work. We got in an argument about my student loan. He seems to think I should stop having work automatically deposit my pay cheque and then should default on my student loan. When I know I should qualify for interest relief that doesn't really seem like a good option. Not to mention the impact it has on my credit rating. I jsut stopped listening to him though. He didn't stay long at least.

And now I am still sick but am enjoying a couple of days off. I am not allowing myself to leave... unless I'm heading back to the hospital for antibiotics. It's hard because I have a habit of wandering on my days off. But I really do need to take it easy or this has the potential of being like when I had the flu and it took a LONG time to recover. Needless to say it has been a long week and I think it will be a while before I am back to being 100% (or at least as close to 100% as I ever am).

Cable Company

So the cable company came out today. Turns out it's not the cables I am using or the cable box. I was starting to wonder since Azrael hd turned the receiver into a nice bed. I am pretty sure the cat furr does not help things. The cable guy got here and that's exactly where he was. Azrael does seem to find the strangest places to sleep. And it's not like the receiver is a nice, warm spot - like my monitor. Looks like it's actually the building. It's the actual cable lines going into the building that are causing a problem. I am getting a poor signal. They are coming back tomorrow to see what they can do. But in the meantime I am now paying for channels that I am not even getting. I get the analog channels but am paying for digital. How does that work?

Student Loans: The Ongoing Saga

So I called the National Student Loans Center back to appeal the interest relief. I got told I had to send in a letter indicating income and any extraordinary bills. The first person I spoke to recommended not paying the loan.... and then I found out I had to try and keep it in good standing. Now I have them calling every couple of days. I don't have the money to bring it back up to date. I just paid the Royal Bank $440 and I just made June's payment to the National Student Loan Center. I didn't have the $750 for that either... And, just to make matters worse my next payment is due in a couple of days so I am about to be even further behind. I'm also behind on bills as a result... The only good news is that September is a 3 pay month so I might be able to get back on track. Ideally my interest relief will go through for July, in which case I would get money back from the Royal Bank and would just have to worry about the other bills. It would also be nice if I could get money back from the people that owe me money.

Trip to the ER

So today I decided the pain was too bad not to do something about it. I needed something to bring the infection down and make it so I could move my arm. I get there and the ER is crowded. Now it's 3:30 in the afternoon... not exactly what you expect to see. I mean there aren't even enough chairs for people. Someone had told me that on the weekend people were there overnight... I suspect that it's at least partially due to the construction going on at the hospital. 30 minutes later there were still 10 people ahead of me just to get to the triage. And the sign says the approximate wait times is 4 hours, AFTER the triage. I decided since I wasn't dying that I wasn't going to waste my entire day off at the emergency room. Now that says something right there. The old saying is "An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure." Granted in this case it's not really prevention any more... but shouldn't issues be treated before they become that serious? I wonder how many people give up waiting and then wind up back at the ER when it really does become serious... Or maybe they should be getting some of the nurses to treat patients that are just minor to get them treated and on their way home. Isn't that part of what triage is supposed to be? I guess time will tell as to whether the infection goes away on it's own or if I get forced into a situation where I absolutely have to get it looked at.

Student Loans Continued

Have I mentioned yet just how much I hate student loans??? It's an ongoing drama... I finally called them today. Now I have to call back tomorrow and appeal the decision. But as for June I am screwed because of my incentive... The company bonus for doing my job meant I made too much money that month and there is nothing I can do. Now... had they sent my forms when they were supposed to I wouldn't have been documenting that income in the first place. But now I have to spend more of my time fighting with them...

Then there was the question of how much I owed them... The notification they sent indicated that I owed them $580. I was kind of wondering where they got that number from. The terms I agreed to were paying $383.64/month. A long time ago I requested that my loan payments be reduced and then decided not to go that route since I qualified for interest relief by not reducing it. So I did not sign the forms. But apparently the payment I made (that was not reduced by the way) indicated that I accepted the terms... so ever since they have had it set to a lower amount. Took a lot to get it increased back to the original amount... and now if my appeal for interest relief is declined I owe even more money... Then I can reapply for interest relief again.

So I really am between a rock and a hard place. I have to fight them to get the interest relief for July and failing that can't just reapply. I have to make sure I get what I owe paid off first. I've already been struggling to pay bills this month because of the Royal Bank taking out the loan payments for 2 months... plus I have to make sure I have enough to pay the student loan center... And that's just to get up to date... I've got nothing for September.... And of course if I do have to make these payments then I will be behind on all my bills...

I'm also going to have to call the Royal Bank and get them to hold off on my next payment while I wait for the student loans center... They're usually pretty good about it at least.

The only good news is that I might be able to appeal for July... Then I'd only have to $320 to the student loans center (instead of $640) and would get back $220 that I paid to the Royal Bank. So I am praying that they will give me the appeal... The other good news is that September is a 3 pay month... so I will hopefully be able to get back on track as long as I qualify for interest relief effective immediately.

I am starting to wonder if university was even a worthwhile venture. I know it was... but dealing with the loans is such a nightmare. C'mon... I make $2200 gross (about $1600 net) and they seem to think I can pay off $603 a month. Give me a break. And there is no leniency. Every six months I begin a new fight with the student loans center. It would be nice if I could apply online,... or something. Since it's not always convenient for me to call. And it's not like I get the forms, or notifications quickly. I am still not receiving mail here, although that should be changing in the next week. In the last month I have not received any of my credit card bills... or my cable bill. And while I don't mind not paying them I do find that kind of odd.

Either way I guess there is no end in sight for this saga... I've lost track of how many times I have had to call and try and get the interest relief approved. And I can't believe that they did reduce my payments without my authorization... If I'm not mistaken I paid them and then called to request the payments be reduced... Guess it really is part of the government... *Sigh* Can't this process ever go smoothly?

Cable Woes

Anything else want to happen? I still have to call the student loan center. I am dreading that phone call. I hate fighting with them... Then there is the pain. That still hasn't gone away. Looks like tomorrow, on my long list of things to do, will be a trip to the hospital. I've also been having trouble with my cable service... The lower channels work fine but most of the time I try to access higher channels I get a message "This channel will be available shortly." It's been happening since I moved in. I was just too lazy to do anything about it. They had me do a few troubleshooting steps and now have to send a cable repair guy out. But I suppose that is a good thing since I am paying for digital cable and am really only getting analogue cable. Since I am heading back to another 6 day stretch it means my next day off I will have to be home the entire day... just waiting around for the cable guy.

Mac Users

So I was browsing in Chapters today... I was checking out the magazines and had the newest edition of "Mac Addict" in my hand. I was busy listening to my music when I hear a voice... This guy strikes up a conversation about rearranging the magazines so the PC ones are hidden. Then it turned into a conversation about the many uses of a Mac, installing Windows on a Mac and universal applications. It brought to mind the idea that Mac owners are fanboys... they are so loyal to the brand. I was also starting to think Mac owners are friendlier... There aren't many people that will try and have a conversation with someone that has headphones on... It's also like a small community. Mac users are in the minority. I just thought it was interesting.

Owwww

I've had swollen lymph nodes for months now... I am so used to waking up congested in the morning. Underneath my jaw the lymph node seems to be tender after that fateful trip to the dentist. Frequently the lymph nodes in the armpit will also swell. Normally it will just be one side and goes away after a few weeks... Not this time. I first noticed it about 6 months ago... and after they told me the white blood cell count was low then I just shrugged it off... Then they said that was only slightly low and were not concerned about it. But the lymph nodes on both sides are still swollen and are not getting any better. I'm not sure if it's related to walking home and carrying the MacBook Pro... possibly pulling on my arm... but now I can't raise my left arm without pain. If I press on one of the lymph nodes it causes pain... I would just go to the doctor except that he is in Pickering. If it's still as painful tomorrow and I have limited mobility then I just might be making a new trip to the ER. It's obviously not going away on it's own and is now getting worse. The congestion... swollen lymph nodes... and fatigue may even be related. But if I just continue suffering in the hopes it will get better I'll never know.

Long Stretch

Currently finishing up a long stretch at work... okay so 6 days really isn't that bad. Just seems like it was a long time. Maybe it's the fact I've also been on days. I haven't been getting 8 hours of sleep and each day I struggle to get out of bed. Looking forward to a week of nights actually. A chance to sleep in. The last couple of weeks have been rough... I've just felt like I was struggling. It's unusual for me... I generally feel like I can get it done and meet the mandate. But this month I keep feeling like I am behind the 8 ball. It might be because Pat is going on vacation... but more likely it was the trouble I had getting Aces done last week.

I can't seem to let go... I need to find a way to relax. It's not something that comes natural to me though. I know I spend too much time thinking about things... I get home and I am still thinking about work. That's not entirely bad but I also need to find ways to get away from it. The downside of being a Type A personality.

Neverending Saga of the Student Loan

So today I finally went down and picked up my mail. You would think that after 3 weeks I would have bills but the only mail was from the student loan center. Normally I would cheer that there weren't any bills. But I know they still want their money.

Back to my battle with the student loan center. First they sent me a notice indicating that I was 2 months behind and owed them money. They told me the interest relief had been conditionally approved and as a result I did not owe them anything. Well that notice was from August 4th. According to that I owe $580. I am not sure where they got that figure from. I suspect, and this relates to the other notice I received, that they screwed up my loan payment. A long time ago I requested that my loan amount be reduced since I did not think I qualified for the loan forgiveness. They sent me the form to sign but I never did sign it. I kept the original payment amount and applied for interest relief instead. The other notice that I got was that I made too much money to qualify for interest relief. In June I did get my incentive from work so I did make too much money. Had I actually got the forms when I was supposed to my incentive would have been left off. It was the only month I made too much.

So now I have to continue fighting them over interest relief. And, of course, it's a bureacracy so now that I owe thm money they basically won't discuss anything until that is paid. It doesn't matter if they made a mistake... The loan has to be in good standing to qualify for interest relief. I have to call them tomorrow to try and sort it out. I didn't get a chance to do it today. But I am so sick of fighting them. I need to make more money so it's not a concern. I'd like to be able to start paying it back, especially since it will be in repayment for 9 years.

Fidgeting

The last couple of months have brought with them an increase in the amount of pain I am in. I had actually forgotten what it was like to be in the middle of a true Fibromyalgia flare-up. I know that many events have led to this... stress... and that walk home primarily. The nerve damage from the dentist is also contributing. It's becoming a viscious cycle though. The more pain I'm in means the less sleep I get... and the less sleep the more I notice the pain. The medication I am on helps me sleep through the night.. but that is all.

Some of the time I must look like a kid with ADHD. I am constantly fidgeting trying to make the pain go away. It doesn't work but when you're in chronic pain you just want it to stop. I'm reminded of days gone by. Now if I could just find a way to get some rest and make the pain go away.

Part of the Furniture

Azrael is so cute... and he looks so innocent. But looks can be deceiving. He's not so gentle. He seems to think I am just a part of the furniture... his own personal jungle gym at that. Last night I was watching a movie and he was curled up beside me. Then he decided that I was just a springboard to leap off of. Azrael is not the lightest cat in the world either. This morning he woke me up and then was climbing over me. Then he'd come back and tread over me again. But he is still my big suck,... and I am apparantly just a part of the furniture as far as he is concerned.

And Justice for All

Yesterday began as a normal day. I slept in and then had to haul my ass to work. I took calls and then went into my coaching... I was struggling to get people. Then my supervisor walked in the door asking if I was busy. She said someone was there looking for me. I thought that was pretty odd but okay. Head upstairs and as I walk into the front office I am greeted by a police officer. She was not in full uniform but the gun was a dead give away.

Since I don't have too many interactions with the police I immediately knew what it was in regards to. I just didn't know why she was there. She wanted to make sure I knew the charges had been dropped and it was not going to trial. I knew that 2.5 months ago. I wasn't happy about it then... I can't say my opinion has really changed. Then she asked if I wanted my property back. Considering they had to cut holes out of it to look for DNA evidence no I really don't want them back. they can burn them... or do whatever they want with them.

So aside from the managers all wondering why the police are there looking for me... I am not sure what the point was. Did I really need the reminder? It's not like I forget. It's almost been a year. But once again I get to be reminded of the whole thing. I still think the valuable lesson is that I shouldn't have reported it in the first place. But then I am jaded.

As you can probably tell it has been a tough week. Actually it's been a rough couple of weeks. Last week wasn't any better. This week I seem to be even more tired then usual. I am really having a tough time getting up. I just want to sleep a little longer. Ordinarily, I have no trouble getting my work done but that also seems to be a struggle. Not having any money is rough as well... My rent was late. Paying the cable bill will be late. I wasn't able to pay the chiropractor. And now I can't even afford groceries... If that wasn't enough stress I have the student loan center calling. What more do they need from me? And the police showing up at work. Anything else want to happen this week? right about now I'm ready to just hide...

Student Loans

I am really beginning to hate the student loans center... My fight with them began back in May. I called to get the forms for my interest relief... but they were never sent. Due to the issues with me and mail it took a long time before I discovered this fact. Then their fax never went through either. It actully took a month and a half before I received the forms. And due to their own mistakes I suddenly had to provide income for additional months. I faxed the information back in immediately and sent a copy since they seem to like losing forms. By then it was too late to stop the bank from withdrawing 2 months worth of payments... so right now I have $6 in my bank account until pay day. And just when I thought it might be over and the interest relief had gone through I got a phone call from the student loans center. I'm not sure what they wanted since I was at work but it can't be good. Dealing with student loans is a nightmare. Nothing is smooth, that's for sure. I am hoping that it gets resolved quickly... and I am hoping I don't lose more money in the process.

Three Day Weekend

I seem to be updating my blog sporadically... I am just coming off a three day weekend at the moment. It was pretty relaxing. Azrael makes a really good therapist. I wanted to get a picture of him when he was curled up on the futon beside me. I did get a couple of pictures today when he was helping me with laundry. He loves it when I do laundry... He curls up in the warm pile of clothes and will fight me as I want to put them away.

Not a whole lot to update on... That would require me having a life. I spent most of the weekend resting, much like I do every weekend. Terry and Steve came by for a visit on Friday. It was a pretty short visit. They were heading to the bar... and I have no real desire to go there. I don't mind the occasional drink with dinner.. especially daquiries but heading to the bar to get tanked isn't what I really want to spend my time off doing.

Still hoping the fatigue goes away. After the work day ends I don't have a whole lot of energy to do anything. And on my days off I seem to just crash... sleep for 12 hours. I am slowly seeing some of the energy come back but it's a long, hard road... I try and force myself to be active but in doing so I also have an increase in pain. There's a balance in there somewhere.

And tomorrow it's back to the grindstone. Wishing there were more hours in the work day so I could get done everything that I wanted to... No rest for the wicked... I can multi-task with the best of them but sometimes that's not enough. Or maybe I am too ambitious... wanting to be able to listen to the calls, do trend analyses, mentor agents, and run training sessions... Okay so it's a bit much... but I can dream.

Day in the Grind

It's been a long week... I knew I was getting my annual review so I was pretty stressed about that. I knew what was going to be said (for the most part) but it was getting to me. Then I found out I wasn't even getting an interview for team leader. Had the money taken from my bank account. Last night I ended up being at work until 9:30. I wasn't being paid for it since I wasn't actually working. Today I finally got my annual review. It wasn't as bad as I was expecting. Then I was looking for trends on an agent. Typically that involves listening to a number of calls in a row and evaluating them all. That never seems to be a good thing. I am beginning to think I should do that on all the agents at one time or another... you learn a lot about the agent. That ended with a lengthy coaching session. So I was late again today... actually I got paid until 9:00 tonight and was done at 5:30. So after two 12 hour days I am a little tired right now... It's almost bed time any ways. I am pretty glad that I have a three day weekend coming up. I tink I need a few days off right about now... it's been a long, tough week.

Niagara Falls... The Update

Okay so I might as well update that one... now that I have something to report. My name was not put forward for team leader in Niagara Falls. It's only been 5 months since the LOA and while Christie said it is a night and day difference (which is good) they want me to wait a couple of months to really "prove myself" for lack of a better word. And as difficult as that was to hear I understand it. I was sort of expecting something like that... since 5 months isn't that long a time. I have come a long way and will continue to work hard. Christie is also going to be involving me in more of the team manager stuff so that I can get some experience and become comfortable with the position. So I m cool with that. I love my job (most days) and am all for showing that I can do the job. It took me three tries to get Performance Coach. I could have got discouraged and stopped trying... but I wanted the position so I kept at it. Pat gave me a big compliment the other day. She said that she han't considered me competition for the TL position. Normally that wouldn't be a compliment. But her rationale was that she had actually assumed we would both get it. The good news is that since the site is just opening and it's just the first group of people being hired it is pretty much a guarentee that they will be hiring again... and by then I should be able to apply for it.

Student Loan

I was just about to pay rent when I decided to check my bank account. Good thing I did. I had originally called the student loans center back at the end of May to apply for interest relief. They didn't send the forms. And of course with me not receiving mail unless I go down to Rye street I didn't know that they hadn't been sent for a little while. Then I called and asked them to fax it. Didn't get the forms that way either. Called them back and they said that the forms had been mailed out. Finally got them near the end of July. But by then it was too late... The student loan center still has my loan on hold but the Royal Bank would only hold it for 30 days. So they ended up taking payment for both months... to the tune of $440. Yeah I really didn't have the money to begin with and assuming that I qualify for interest relief I'll be waiting about 3 weeks to get the money back. I hate student loans...

Pace Yourself

As part of the Fibromylgia the number one lesson is to pace yourself. A lesson I keep forgetting. Otherwise, you end up with muscle pain from a flare-up. On Wednesday I walked to Zellers and had to carry 2 bottles of Coke and a bag of cat food home. That might have been a bit much. Follow that up with my trip to Loblaws on Thursday. It isn't that far of a walk to Loblaws but it's still a kilometre and carrying groceries home can be a challenge. I pulled some of the muscles in my back as a result and had a nice bruise on my lower back. Today I was back at it. But this time I managed not to pull any muscles. The pain is actually somewhat of a good sign though. It gives me a chance to get some of my strength back and I've noticed an increase in energy as well.

Baked Lays

So today I all but finished off a bag of Baked Lays. That is extremely abnormal for me. Maybe it's the fact they're not as greasy. It's not because I am extremely health conscious. I don't exactly need to be. Now they do have a fraction of the fat content from a normal bag of Lays. Some people were using that as the justification to eat an entire bag. Doesn't that defeat the purpose? Especially since there are just as many calories in a serving. Don't go by the nutritional facts in the picture... at least not if you live in Canada. According to the bag of chips in front of me there are 200 calories in a serving and 2.5 grams of fat.

Parallels + Windows

I was at the Apple web site today and on the front page it indicated that they were now selling Parellels Desktop so you too can install Windows on your Mac. For as comfortable as I am with Windows I have come to the conclusion that Windows was never meant to be installed on a Mac. I had the trial version installed on my MacBook Pro. They say it is supposed to be fast... I never really found that. In fact I found that both operating systems were slower. Plus I couldn't access CDs from the Mac side of things. It seemed to be a wasted effort. Even if it did work no one will be providing support for that. Apple definitely won't... and Microsoft won't either. Then just look at the price. It's $100 just for Parallels and Windows is not exactly cheap. For a legitimate copy of Windows XP Professional you're looking at $400. So now that it's costing $500 just to run a copy of Windows on your computer. You might as well just go with a cheap Windows computer or get Mac compatible software... a much cheaper option. But just my 2 cents.

Isolation

I always seemed to have it in my head that isolation was a bad thing. We're always taught that social interaction is a good thing and the image of a hermit is not an appealing one. When I was preparing for my vacation I was dreading being asked what I was planning to do for my vacation. They seemed to expect me to have some big plans... like actually leaving the city... etc. But that isn't what I wanted. I wanted the time off to just get away. Sure, I am still online... but my computer is also on the table between me and the TV. Kind of hard to get away. Aside from my dinner with Pat... and Steve's phone call... I haven't spoken to anyone. I've left my apartment to go to the store a few times (more then I'd like actually) and that's been in. And before anyone says that it's no fun... and I should have done more... the point is that I didn't want to. I wanted the time to myself. I wanted the chance to just be... to relax... and not answer to anyone. Just me and Azrael. I now understand Adam's need or isolation and wanting to be alone. It's not a bad thing... just not for everyone. Either way when I go back to work I'll be a lot more relaxed then I had been and that was exactly what I needed!

Azrael's Kingdom

Some days you would think I have kids and not just a cat. I went to Zellers today and spent $60... only $10 was on me. The rest was on the munchkin sleeping above me on the top of the futon. Okay so I had to buy food for him. But I am always looking for treats and play toys for him. It's actually pretty rare for me to find anything for him... but today I managed. There was the flowerpot that has catnip in it. He really likes that one. There was also a stuffed fish that also has catnip. He's not as excited about that one... probably because other ones capture his attention a little more. The last one is the see-saw. Now that one is pretty elaborate. He can play with the see-saw part of it, that also contains a water tube with a marble... or with the hanging toys. It's all about keeping him somewhat active... and happy. I think he's a little worn out now from the catnip and the toys... I have decided that "some assembly required" are not good products for me to buy. I don't tend to have a lot of patience. It's the same reason I don't do well with computer parts... I don't have the patience required. Whenever I add computer parts it never seems to just work like it's supposed to. I just end up frustrated. Either way... my living room floor makes it look like I have children when really I am just keeping the cat happy. Sad fact is he would be just as happy to curl up with me and forget about the toys.

Azrael's Playhouse

Christie's Vacation

My team manager went on vacation recently. Well, it really wasn't a vacation since she was in the hospital having surgery. Just before she came back Pat and I got the bright idea to decorate her desk. Rachel had left all her bridal magazines when she left the company... so we got to work posting pictures on bristol board. In the end we covered the inside of her desk. Even had a couple made out of CocaCola boxes with pictures on them... and of course the wedding rings. Plus there was the message, "Will you marry me?" We scared one of the new team managers who was going on vacation right afterwards. It was just something fun to do and we wanted to make her smile when she came back. One guy jokingly called us evil and said we were going to split her and Ben up. By the time Ben actually saw it we were off and no one knew who did it. So Christie got the heads up before she came in... ruined some of the surprise... but she still had a good laugh and had no idea who did it, until I 'fessed up any ways. I thought she would've figured it out. It was a lot of fun although payback just might be a bitch since I'm currently on vacation.

Christie's Desk

What Christie's desk looked like when she came back from vacation...