New Beginnings

I always see the beginning of the year as a time of new beginnings. The old year is done and a new one is just beginning. Out with the old and in with the new. Christie was commenting that it has been a rough beginning to the year so far with my health and my family. With the exception of maybe 2003 this is probably the best beginning to a year since I moved to Peterborough. Maybe that should tell me something. Let's recap:

2003

At the beginning of 2003 I went back to school. I started at Trent, working towards my biology degree. I was working part time while in school so I had money coming in, plus the student loan. Aside from having pneumonia things were going pretty good.

2004

At the end of 2003 I had the flu. I spent the first 3 months of 2004 still recovering from it. I had lost a great deal of weight and just didn't get better. I ended up failing a course and dropped out of school. It was the beginning of 2004 when I had to put Tigger down... a tough time for me. Plus my landlord's son was stealing from me so I really had to get out of where I was living.

2005

My relationship ended and Adam had a psychotic episode leaving me scared for my safety until I moved out and had a new place to live. Maslow was right when he said that safety was your number 1 need. It takes a lot of energy when you have no idea what's going to happen and you have to have someone on speed dial in case you need to leave in the middle of the night. The only good news (or looking back maybe bad news... maybe I should've held off with the promotion) is that I got the performance coach position at the beginning of 2005. Not sure if they were just sick of me constantly applying or if they actually thought I could do the job. I was also given a team... that would turn out to be a huge mistake and would be very costly for a LONG time.

2006

I spent the beginning of 2006 off work, and not by choice either. I was forced onto an LOA for mental health reasons. It was a very brutal time and I won't go into it again. If you want to read about it I have a blog with all the details. As relaxing as it was supposed to be it was an extremely stressful time. I had no idea if I would have a job when I came back or what to expect. As far as I knew I was going back to the same team. I had to seriously contemplate whether or not to come back. And I had no income the entire time I was off. I finally got my EI after I had returned to work. The best news when I came back was that I was being moved to another team but even then I didn't know what to expect. People were trying to make me paranoid and were telling me that I was being closely monitored and if i fucked up again I'd be out the door. The first couple of months after I came back were still pretty stressful.

2007

I have been sick for the last month... but my health is an ongoing issue. I was born with respiratory distress so every winter I tend to be sick. At least this year I haven't had bronchitis. The Fibromyalgia doesn't help either. I don't have the flu so I can live with it. The big one is obviously my family. My parents are getting divorced and so now I am trying to make sense of that. I am just dreading the long, drawn out fight that it will likely become. But since they were living in different provinces it wasn't entirely unexpected. On a positive note I receieved a letter from my biological mother and she wants contact... I had prepared myself for nothing... so this is a big deal.

So far I would say that 2007 is the best year, at least since 2003. Why is there always so much drama in my life? *lol* I could really do with some peace and quiet....

Apartment Part 2....

You know you live in the ghetto when...

• Someones tries to burn down the building by lighting the recycling on fire.
• You come home from work at night and are surprised not to see cop cars outside the building.
• Despite repeated requests to fix repairs the superintendent just ignores the request.
• When they do come in to fix something the superintendent is genuinely surprised that you hold a job and are not home during the day.
• The water is constantly being shut off to do repairs... guess the repairs just aren't being done right the first time.
• In spite of the fact you pay your rent on time the landlord sends a notice that you haven't paid your rent on time and tries to extort more money out of you. Maybe it's because I'm not supplying them with drugs like most of the other tenants.
• The concrete starts to crumble and to save money the landlord uses green steel barriers to fix it instead of concrete
• They have to offer a discount for paying your rent on time because not enough people do
• But the biggest way to tell you live in a ghetto is when you come out of the elevator and realize that your neighbours door was removed courtesy of the police battering ram and the tenant is no longer a resident there
  

Laundry Time

I'm sure some of you would wonder why I am even posting about laundry... No I didn't decide to wash my PDA again... or my cell phone... or anything other then the clothes. It's St. Patrick's Day and since I live in a ghetto building figured everyone would be too busy drinking, or getting stoned to do laundry. Apparently that was too much to hope for. It has taken me all day to do one load of laundry... that's how busy it is. Granted my day started at noon... but any ways. I can still say the building is ghetto though. A couple of the dryers don't work and one of the washing machines flooded (or maybe it was the drain that backed up) so the floor there is covered in water. I hate doing laundry here. I keep wondering if the equipment will break down... or if my clothes will be stolen while I am not there. The good news is that my lease is almost up... and while I am not planning to move at the moment (I really don't want to be stuck in a lease, even if it is just temporarily) it is nice to know that I do have that option. Now by next fall I might seriously be considering it since they still have not fixed the heat. Can I just say the building has charm or perhaps character? Hmm... maybe not... It's still the ghetto.

Almost Ready to Throw in the Towel

The way this week is going I am almost ready to throw in the towel. I get home tonight and was going to have a hot shower... There was a sign up downstairs saying that the water was going to be turned off tomorrow morning (much like it was this morning) but they didn't say anything about tonight. I had no hot water at all. So much for that thought.

I've been struggling a lot this week with my blood sugar. I think because I had a few days there where I wasn't keeping anything down it's throwing everything out of whack. Plus my current stress level. I'm not eating enough and am running low on energy so I don't want to eat. I think I need a vacation... or at least some down time.... I just don't see it happening.

I came home to a letter from the National Student Loan Center saying that I was behind in my payments, which is true. Courtesy of the fight I have going with them over interest relief I am behind on my payments. But according to them I am 2 payments behind and it should only be one. In January I was on interest relief and that leaves February. March's payment is actually due at the end of the month. So they are compounding the stress I was already feeling. And I know if I pay them I'll never get the money back.

Next to family the big thing right now is work. I am the most frustrated I have been in a long time... probably since my LOA. It seems like nothing I do is good enough. Overworked and underpaid... and definitely not given enough appreciation. I come in day in and day out and for what? We won't meet our mandate this month... it won't even be close. So we'll be hearing about that at the end of the month. We never really hear about it when we meet the mandate but will be asked to explain it this time around. The first two years I was there I was a golden child. Then I dropped out of school to work here full time and it went downhill from there. I moved to a team where the manager had the tendency to keep an eye on you... and a close eye at that. My mistake was commenting that he was out to get me. That got me in the bad books of the current head of Operations and it has been a rough road ever since. He held me back for performance coach. I'm nothing if not persistent though. I refused to quit... and applied again. When I did get the position they thought Chris and I would blend well... in spite of the fact our personalities are complete opposites. Obviously that went well... so well I got sent on an LOA. But I still came back. I'm like the dog that you just kick and they keep coming back for more. I will not quit. I got told when I came back it was like a new beginning... which was complete bullshit. Everything that happened before the LOA still counts against me, even though the doctor they sent me to said I was suffering from clinical depression. So much for the new beginning. I was held back from applying for anything... or correction I could apply but it wouldn't go anywhere. Then I said something stupid without thinking... and it was taken the wrong way and back on disciplinary action. Another 6 months before I can apply for anything. And even those postings that don't involve disciplinary action I can't apply for. I got to find that out today. The 8 week leadership course won't be happening... Christie is not putting my name forward. That was tough. It seems like no matter what I do I am being held back. Maybe it is fate but it seems like I have to fight for everything there... and I feel like I won't make it past this point. I feel like I've been black listed and have a very difficult road ahead of me if I continue to fight.

But I am an idealist. I still believe in the company and I keep thinking that it will get better... and if I just stick it out then I will eventually get to where I want to be. Or maybe I am just a glutton for punishment. I'm like most people though... You don't want to look elsewhere when you have steady income and I do make more then at other call centers in the area. Not to mention the fact that if I was job hunting I would want to get the hell out of Peterborough. I hate it here.... And for now am frustrated enough to cry.

“An optimist is a person who sees only the lights in the picture, whereas a pessimist sees only the shadows. An idealist, however, is one who sees the light and the shadows but, in addition, sees something else; the possibility of changing the picture, of making the lights prevail over the shadows.” —Felix Adler

Family Ties

"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end" This seems to be a really weird time... or at least the last week any ways. It started with dad's announcement about the divorce. Kinda put me into a bit of a tailspin as I am still trying to make sense of it and put the pieces together. As I posted about before it's like a jigsaw.

I talked to mom yesterday and she did know about it. Dad finally called her and while she has not received the letter yet she at least knows about it. I think it bothered her that the kids knew before she did... and rightly so. Again, time will tell what happens. So that is coming to an and and only time will tell what will rise from the ashes. It really does change the family dynamic.

But there is also a new beginning.... both in the relationship with my parents... since if they are not together that will obviously change how I see them and my interactions with them.

There is another new beginning in the works as well. Today I received a letter from my biological mother. Talk about a twist of fate. Have I mentioned yet that my head is just spinning? I feel like I am on overload and just can't process anything any more. I knew as soon as I saw the envelope who it was from. No one ever writes me *lol* I called Suzanne before I even opened it because I knew she would want to know.

Where one thing comes to an end a new door opens. What is behind that door remains to be seen.

Insane or Just Dedicated?

I am currently trying to decide if I am completely insane or just dedicated. I went to the hospital last night. I got there at 2:15 a.m. and was actually out of there at 3:15. I am thinking that might have been a bad thing. Any later and I would've just called work and slept all day. Instead I had the thought that I could almost get 8 hours of sleep and then get up, pick up the prescription and go to work. So that was exactly what I did. And right now I am so worn out it's not even funny.

All day I just felt like my head was spinning. I just felt completely overwhelmed by the amount of work we need to do by the end of the month. It was also really warm so I was having trouble with my blood sugar all day. I didn't get much accomplished so I am not sure that it was worth going on. I mean I got some administrative tasks out of the way... but that was about it. About halfway through the day I wanted to go home and have a drink... it was not a good day.

And of course I wasn't really on the medication either since the prescription was for a nasal spray. So all I was taking is the decongestant. Not the best plan let me tell you. Now I will be heading to bed shortly and am hoping that actually being able to get 8 hours of sleep will be beneficial.

In Sickness & in Health

I am finally so fed up with being sick that I am heading down to the ER. I am really dreading the thought since I don't like sitting around there waiting. Not to mention the hospital always seems run down and filthy. Not what you expect from a hospital. I really miss being in London for many reasons... health care is one of them.

I kept thinking that I was just going to get better... After all it's just a cold. But after a month I am still congested and fighting with sinus pressure and pain. It's been pretty miserable. My sinuses on the right hand side are actually swollen. I have tried so many different things to clear it up: hot showers, saline nasal spray, Nyquil, Dayquil, and Vicks vapoinhaler. None of them have had any effect. And you get to the point where buying more over the counter medication is just pointless.

Ever since Thursday I've not been able to keep anything down either... Well I could eat sandwiches for lunch... but no matter what I was eating for dinner it wasn't being digested properly. And you can really only go through that for so long.

The worst part is that I was actually going to go to the hospital after work tonight so that I could make it to work tomorrow. Now that is dedication. But the lineup was to the door... and that was just for the triage. So I decided to go home and have dinner. Taking it easy and resting... Then I am going back to the hospital later tonight. Definitely not making it to work tomorrow. Gonna focus on getting better and just rest. So unlike me *LOL*

Kitty Therapy

How could you possibly resist him? Yesterday I was taking it easy and resting. I was also remembering just how therapeutic a cat can be. Sure they are independent creatures and like things to be on their terms... but they also read your moods and can be a big suck. I was just watching TV and he came over and snuggled right in with me. Then "helped" me with laundry. Also known as... he curled up in the pile of clean clothes and attacked me if I tried to take any of it away. As you can tell from the pictures he still hadn't let me make the bed... Then it was more cuddle time with mommy. When I woke up this morning he was using my leg as a pillow and then came to visit me for some attention. He knows when the alarm goes off he'll get plenty of attention. Then I finally got up and got ready for work. Right now he is a little more distant but still beside me on the futon. It was exactly what I needed since it has been a rough week. God bless pet therapy! :o)

Baby Pics

Three Days Grace - Pain

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

You're sick of feeling numb
You're not the only one
I'll take you by the hand
And I'll show you a world that you can understand
This life is filled with hurt
When happiness doesn't work
Trust me and take my hand
When the lights go out you will understand

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

Anger and agony
Are better than misery
Trust me I've got a plan
When the lights go off you will understand

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing
Rather feel pain

I know (I know I know I know I know)
That you're wounded
You know (You know you know you know you know)
That I'm here to save you
You know (You know you know you know you know)
I'm always here for you
I know (I know I know I know I know)
That you'll thank me later

Pain, without love
Pain, can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Rather feel pain than nothing at all
Rather feel pain

Land of Confusion

Okay so the title comes from a Genesis song that was later remade by Disturbed. But that is sort of how I am feeling at the moment. And it all stems from dad's announcement. There are just some lingering, unanswered questions. We all want to make sense of our world and put the pieces together to accomplish that.

Why? Or at least why now? A decade ago I thought they would get divorced and they stayed together. When I left for university they decided to move out West. Again I thought they would get divorced. Instead mom left her family and followed dad out there. Okay so mom is currently in Ontario and dad is still out in BC... Dad commented on how things hadn't been working between then and how this way they would be free to enjoy their own life. I can't help but wonder if dad met someone else... If not... then why this sudden decision?

He said that mom wasn't listening. Maybe it wasn't a question of her listening but the fact she wanted to stay together. I mean did he expect her to just agree to it and be passive about it? So now she is going to hear about it in a letter instead.

He also cancelled our vacation.... He wanted the kids to come out there to visit and now decided that wasn't going to work. Gave nothing more then a half assed reason. I can't help but feel a small sense of rejection from that. To me that would be a time when I want to be with family. I haven't seen him since 2001 and he has never met his grand-daughter. And now it's not going to be happening.

I certainly feel a sense of emptiness right now. And now I am just trying to put the jigsaw puzzle together and make sense of it all. Easier said then done. I just can't seem to wrap my head around it at the moment. It really is a land of confusion.

*Sigh*

Today was not one of those good days.... I am still not 100% and this cold is just dragging on. I hauled my ass out of bed and made my way to work. The first thing I did was apply for a leadership training course at work. What I had just discovered is that I also needed a reference check and Christie was nowhere to be found. She had called in sick today after having dental surgery. I emailed the recruiter since I didn't know she was off. For some reason we seemed to be lacking in managers. So I went and asked Kevin about it. He said he would get back to me. About an hour later the Ops manager comes down and hovers by Christie's desk. Mike was hassling me about waiting for the last minute to apply for the position. Now I haven't even seen Christie in a week and have been sick... so give me a break. He went off on a huge tangent about it... It was pretty demoralizing and was done on the floor in front of everyone. Then he went and praised Dave for getting the reference check in already... meanwhile he hadn't even finished writing his essay yet and didn't know that his manager had submitted it. WTF? Some days I hate my job... and hate this company. Today is one of those days. If I had a better job... or even another job with the same pay.... I would leave. That was my conclusion.

And then... just when you thought it can't get much worse... I got off work and my phone was ringing. Since I hadn't left the building I let it go to voicemail. It was dad... and dad doesn't generally call just to talk. His message was to call back if I got home early enough. So I called... and got told that he had asked my mom for a divorce. Now that in and of itself would not have been a big deal. Currently dad is in BC with his family and mom is here in Ontario with her mom. I knew that grandma (on my dad's side) had really been pushing for this. But he didn't even have the balls to call mom. According to Suzanne he said she wouldn't listen. Instead... he sent her a letter. He wanted us to find out from him. That really angered me though... To send a letter. That's almost as good as just sending an email. Throughout the call he basically blamed mom for not making an effort and not going back to BC. Now she has made an effort to be there for her mom... and for her grand-daughter. And she tried to get dad to come here to at least visit and he refused. Suzanne was already planning to come up to Peterborough but is holding off until the end of the week so that mom will hopefully have received the letter before then. Yes... at it stands right now the kids know... but mom is still in the dark. How cruel is that? Just a perfect ending to the day.

I don't think I really have much more to say at this point then just *sigh*

Love Profile

Scorpio - Your Love Profile

Your positive traits: You're red hot passion makes anyone you date feel extremely wanted Loyalty, to the point of doing anything to protect your lover You are mysterious and charismatic - and you easily draw people in Your negative traits: You tend to be paranoid and think that the worst is going on with your lover You turn cold and mean at the first sign of conflict in relationship You sometimes become obsessed with dates - so much so that you develop jealousy early on Your ideal partner: Someone who will take the time to win you over. Not an easy task! Is able to keep up with your carnal appetite... lots of stamina needed. Reassures you of their love and loyalty on a daily basis. Your dating style: Intense. You prefer to stay in with take out and conversation - so that no one else is distracting you and your date. Your seduction style: Hot. New partners have trouble believing that your libido is for real. You have incredible sexual intuition - you always know what your lover craves A bit bossy. You know what you want, and you certainly aren't afraid to ask for it. Tips for the future: Don't be so secretive with your love - they want you the way you are Let go of your jealousy. Your partner has chosen *you* Spend more time alone, doing things you love. It will help you be less obsessive. Best color to attract mate: Dark red Best day for a date: Tuesday

What's Your Love Profile?

F'ing Student Loans

So I finally call the National Student Loans Center to see what they wanted. Surprise, surprise... I was denied my request for interest relief because they seem to think I make too much money. When I ask how much I am allowed to make I was told $2201 a month. I know from their income charts that I am allowed to make $2378. This tells me that once again they are not taking into account my Royal Bank loan. Then they told me I had to appeal it... They gave me no other options and refused to even look into it for me. So it looks like I will be calling them back tomorrow. As if that wasn't bad enough the rep then asked me if I was going to bring my loan up to date by making the payment. They won't give me the money back if I do... And it's like a kick in the teeth when I know I make less then the maximum allowable to qualify for interest relief. Hell I even sent in the paper work for the Royal Bank loan in the hopes I wouldn't have to go through this again. Not to mention all the time and energy I have to spend getting them to correct their own mistakes. This is a never ending war.... Granted I only have 5 months left of interest relief but still. I would like to get the most out of it... especially if I ever want to try and qualify for debt reduction. Aaaagghhhh!!! Make it stop.

Baked Kitty

When I was at Zellers today I bought Azrael a cat toy and a brush that you put on the wall. I had one for Tigger and found that cats love it, especially since it also has catnip. Sure enough, as soon as possible he had the bag of catnip and was trying to get into it. Then he attacked me for it and went nuts for the brush when I did get it on the wall. Now he is a little stoned. My little drug addict *lol*

Tax Man Cometh

I got my T4 today and decided to enter it in... Looks like I am getting back $950. Not too shabby.... Last year I got a lot more back but money is still money. Had I not been on EI and had I not cashed in part of my RRSP I would've got more money back. I blame the government and the National Student Loan Center for forcing me to cash in my RRSPs. But I am still happy about the $950. Now I can pay for the hotel room for my trip to Montreal and have one less thing to worry about. And can pay bills and all that jazz. Last year I got to have fun with my tax return by buying the MacBook Pro. This year it will be for paying off those debts instead of creating new ones *lol* But I gotta call the government and see if I can get a new Netfile code... I really can't find mine. Otherwise I'll just have to print it off and send it in.

One of Those Days

Today was just one of those days... you know those days when you just should not get out of bed. It took all my energy just to get out of bed this morning.... Anything else was asking a bit much. I had no time to make lunch because I was barely hanging on and was running late as it was. I get to work and I know I have a meeting as soon as my shift starts. But I forgot to grab a cold can of Coke before I left the house and have none at work. I borrow money off John and head off for the vending machine. I press the button and it doesn't appear to be sold out. So I put the money in and press the button. Then I realize that it does say it's sold out. Without thinking (some days I wonder about my IQ... since there are definitely times when I am not the sharpest tool in the shed) I pressed the button below it thinking it also had Coke. Too bad I didn't look at it first. Maybe it was a root beer... or orange... or something I would actually drink. Nope... It was a Diet Coke. 'Cuz I really need to diet *lol* Then I had to get money from someone else to actually get the Coke. That's when I knew it was going to be one of those days....

The Ongoing Saga of the Student Loan

In case you are wondering I still have no idea what they wanted. It took all my energy just to get out of bed this morning.... Needless to say calling them was just not a priority. I'll call them on Tuesday when I have a day off and a little more time to fight with them. I don't imagine that it will be a short conversation or have good news... But we'll see.

National Student Loan Centre

Yesterday I got a call from the National Student Loans Centre telling me they had important information about my student loan. It is never a good thing when they call, especially since I am still waiting for word on my interest relief. I didn't get around to calling them yesterday. I called today and the office was closed due to inclement weather. Now... we never close for weather... which was the first thing that came to mind. Hell we have massive flooding and the city is considered to be in a national state of emergency and they still call to ask you to come into work. So now I have to call them back to find out what they want... I'm a little concerned about it since I have had nothing but hassles with them. Nothing ever goes smoothly and it's like a mini war.

Tax Season

It's about that time again... time to do the taxes. Usually my taxes are pretty straight forward.... I have my income, rent and tuition that is carried forward. This year there were medical expenses, EI from my LOA, interest payments on my student loan and then the RRSP that I cashed in a couple of months ago. At the moment the only thing I am waiting on is my T4 from work. But I installed QuickTax on my computer and entered in everything else. I can already predict that I won't do as well this year as I did last year when my tax return was $3000. I am actually wondering if I am going to end up owing money because of the EI and the RRSP. Won't know until I actually have my T4 though. I should be getting that one any day now since they had to be mailed by February 28th. I also have to find my Netfile information.... I seem to have misplaced that somewhere. Glad to have the rest of the information entered in though. Calculating medical expenses is not a fun job. Hopefully I am getting a refund... I could really use the money. Who couldn't?

Winter Wonderland

As I look out the window I am greeted by a winter wonderland. We're back to being blanketed by snow. Since it's March 1 I would really like to be seeing something other then snow. Even though it has been a short winter I want it over. Yesterday it felt like spring... There was sunshine and it was bright. I was in a good mood... in spite of being sick. Today it's darker, colder and the snow is falling. All I want to do is go back to bed. It really is amazing what a difference the weather makes on your mood.

Ghost Rider

Finally a day off.... I am starting to feel a bit better although I have developed a dry, hacking cough now. Adam and I went to see Ghost Rider. I was a little skeptical of Nicolas Cage as Johnny Blaze but he pulled it off. I thought it was really good... Of course it's not Oscar quality and isn't going to make you think.... but it was never designed to be that way. All in all it was a good night.

Sick and Tired

Still sick and incredibly tired. Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse.... Now I also have a sore throat to go with the congestion. I was at work today and got told that I look like hell. And I still have 2 more days before I can actually really get some rest. On that note it's about time I crawled into bed so I can get up and go to work tomorrow.

What a Week

Another week draws to and end. Granted I am back to work tomorrow and still have a few days to go before I have a couple of days off. Three more days to be exact. Somehow miraculously we met our mandate this week. Between John and I we listened to all the calls we were supposed to. I honestly thought that there was no chance it was going to happen. But we got it done.

There is a problem with meeting the mandate though. John came in for three extra hours to get it done and I was there for an extra hour and a half. Not to mention the fact neither of us really took our scheduled breaks.

They seem to think that we can get this done in the scheduled time... and pretty soon we will have even more people on the team. Every day when I get home I think to myself, "I can't keep doing this." The problem is that on paper everything looks good because we just step up and get it done... whatever it takes.

I keep thinking that I should just start taking my breaks... leaving the building.... not putting in extra time... and then see what happens. Unfortunately, my own work ethic gets in the way. I just get the job done... quietly... People don't even realize how much work I really put in because I just get it done. I guess you could say I am one of the backbone type workers. Dependable... reliable... but not always noticed.

I just wish they would actually make things fair. Our team has the highest mandate... Which means that we have the most work. The next closest team has 14 less evaluations... that is huge! Another team has 30 less... Yet we are expected to meet our mandate... and they are under no obligation to help out. How is that fair? Some people really are on easy street.... and they just expect us to meet the mandate, whatever it takes.

The Life of Pain

Pain is part of my identity... more so then most. Tonight I am really reminded of how much the Fibromyalgia controls my life. I am currently fidgeting a lot. For some unknown reason I keep thinking that if I can just crack the joint the pain will go away. But since the pain is really in the muscle obviously it isn't helping. Right now I think it has flared up because of the change in weather and because I have been pushing myself way too hard. Add to that the other major symptom: fatigue and it makes life a challenge.

It's pretty frustrating to be limited like that. You feel tired all the time and would give anything to feel rested. When you get fatigued it impacts all aspects of life. Your reaction time slows time, your cognitive ability gets impaired and you don't want to go anywhere or do anything. You just want to sleep.

No one likes to be in pain either. You end up irritable and all you want is for the pain to stop. Tonight I was taking Tylenol 8 Hour in an effort to at least lessen the pain. It never really goes away though. I also go to the chiropractor biweekly in an effort to at least keep my spine in line. It does help the pain as well.

When you have a chronic pain condition you also feel pretty isolated. People just don't understand. Fibromyalgia is also an invisible disease so people forget that you have more limitations then other people. I've had doctors tell me it's all in my head and is just depression. So even on the bad days you hide it from the world, grit your teeth, and push forward. The cardinal rule of pacing yourself just doesn't happen because all too often in the real world it is just not an option.

Long Stretch at Work

Today was day number 4 at work. Normally that would not be a bad thing but it is Monday number 4. I am on a long stretch at work.... 8 days in a row to be exact. It would've been 7 but someone else wanted Tuesday off and I figured one more day wasn't going to kill me.

With the sickness... and the workload it has been a long week. Being on days has not helped me either. Lucky for me on Sunday I switch back to nights. I never thought I would be so happy to be on nights. I love having my evenings free but I have a tough time going to bed early and am always so tired.

Next week there is also a big audit going on. Needless to say a lot of people are stressed at work at the moment. My last day of this long stretch is the first day of the audit. So I can't wait until Wednesday... the first day of my weekend.

Who Needs a Thumb?

I had a shower the other day. No big deal right? I am still pretty congested and tired. Apparently I wasn't paying attention to what I was doing. I went to rinse off the razor blade and my thumb was in the way. I gashed it open pretty good. At least I know the razor was sharp. Maybe having a three blade razor isn't such a good thing. As I am watching the blood pour out of my thumb I start wondering how to stop the bleeding. I was also starting to wonder how serious it was. I got out the of the shower and got the bleeding stopped. Bandaged it up and tried to ignore it. I changed the bandage the next day and as I took a look at it I started to wonder if I should've gone and got a stitch put it. But it will heal and it meant not spending 4 hours at the ER. I am sure that I will be fine. I'm just thinking that I need to stay away from sharp objects *lol*

Mac vs PC

You Are a Mac

You are creative, stylish, and super trendy. You demand the best - even if it costs an arm and a leg.

Are You a Mac or a PC?

Calvin & Hobbes, Part 2

Calvin: The Ultimate INFP

Liquified

Ever since I read Suzanne's post on Bumpersticker Theology I haven't been able to get it out of my mind. I can't even remember the last time I was in a church... I think I still lived in London. I live in a very conservative city, at least as far as churches go. The only thing I can think of is the gay pride parade and members of the church holding signs about going to hell. What happened to love? What happened to acceptance? If you look deep into the hearts of men everyone has secrets and things that they are ashamed of. As the musical "Rent" says "Let he who is without sin be the first to condemn." Who are we to judge? We are all sinners.

I used to show up to church in jeans and a t-shirt and it wasn't because I didn't have dress clothes. It was to make a point. God doesn't look at the clothes we wear but at our hearts. Who did Jesus hang out with? It wasn't with the Pharisees but rather with the outcasts.

Have we gotten so complacent that we only seek to fellowship with other people that believe the same thing we do? Are we so comfortable that we forget the command to go out into the world? It is our job to reach out to others, to be an ambassador for Christ... to be that light in the world.

As Suzanne said, "Can you look around the school that you go to; can you walk the neighborhood you live in; can you watch TV; can you listen to the radio and hear the needs? Can you hear and see the broken people? Their need may not be food as it was in this story, but they may need hope. You know you have a friend that needs God. You know people that could be nameless, but you’ve seen or heard their need. And Jesus is speaking so clearly “You go feed them!”

The church is solid... unchanging. Maybe it is time to shake things up. Maybe it is time to embrace the postmodern world. It's a changing world and the church needs to adapt to the changes. Meet them where they're at. It's not about religion, it's about a relationship. Get liquified.

Career Path for an INFP

+ Actor
+ Aeronautical Engineer
+ Artist
+ Art Director
+ Architect
+ Career Counselor
+ Church Worker
+ College Professor: Humanities/Art
+ Counselor
+ Crisis Counselor
+ Diversity Manager
+ Editor
+ Educational Consultant
+ Employment Development Specialist
+ English Teacher
+ Fashion Designer
+ Fine Arts Teacher
+ Human Resources Development Specialist
+ Holistic Health Practitioner
+ Journalist
+ Legal Mediator
+ Librarian
+ Minister/Priest
+ Missionary
+ Musician
+ Novelist
+ Psychodrama Therapist
+ Physical Therapist
+ Psychiatry
+ Psychologist
+ Public Health Nurse
+ Poet
+ Religious Educator
+ Researcher
+ Social Scientist
+ Social Worker
+ Speech Pathologist
+ Writer: Poet/Novelist
+ Youth Counselor

INFP - The Idealist, Healer, Dreamer

I'm sure many people reading this are wondering what the INFP is all about. Jung believed there were 16 personality types. Eventually a test was created called the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. You can even do an online test here. Once you know what personality type you fall into you can always do a Google search or click here to get a brief synopsis of each category type.

I even redid the test to see if the results had changed at all... Nope... still an INFP. Suzanne, you surprised? For everyone else... see how much this sounds like me. INFP stands for Introverted Intuition Feeling Perception btw and they make up 1% of the population.

People of this type tend to be: quiet, reserved, and kind; deeply passionate, sensitive, and easily hurt; loving and dedicated to those close to them; creative, original, and imaginative; curious and flexible in small matters; nonconforming. The most important thing to INFPs is their deeply held beliefs and living in harmony with their values. Loyal and committed - they want lifelong relationships. They are driven to meet other's needs and have a deep capacity for love.

In the relationship arena, this causes them to have a very deep capacity for love and caring which is not frequently found with such intensity in the other types. The INFP does not devote their intense feelings towards just anyone, and are relatively reserved about expressing their inner-most feelings. They reserve their deepest love and caring for a select few who are closest to them. INFP will be fiercely loyal once they are committed. With their strong inner core of values, they are intense individuals who value depth and authenticity in their relationships

Positives

:: Good listener with genuine concern for others
:: Warmly concerned and caring towards others
:: Sensitive and perceptive about what others are feeling
:: Loyal and committed - they want lifelong relationships
:: Deep capacity for love and caring
:: Driven to meet other's needs
:: Strive for "win-win" situations
:: Nurturing, supportive and encouraging
:: Flexible and diverse
:: Tend have a strong faith and very spiritual
:: Creative and inspirational

Negatives

:: May tend to be shy and reserved
:: Don't like to have their "space" invaded
:: Extreme dislike of conflict
:: Extreme dislike of criticism
:: Strong need to receive praise and positive affirmation
:: May react very emotionally to stressful situations
:: Have difficulty leaving a bad relationship
:: Have difficulty scolding or punishing others
:: Tend to be reserved about expressing their feelings
:: Perfectionist tendencies
:: Tendency to blame themselves for problems, and hold everything on their own shoulders
:: Tend to take things too personally
:: Have high standards, may have difficulty working in groups because of this
:: They may tend to lose things or to forget appointments

Random Thoughts

Anyone else think it's weird that my posts went from the Daytona 500 (Nascar, a sport long associated with rednecks) to Nietzsche's thoughts on God? I just thought it was a little odd. Stream of consciousness doesn't even begin to explain that one.

Ghandi

"Be the change you want to see in the world"

- Ghandi

God is Dead... And We Have Killed Him

The Madman. Have you ever heard of the madman who on a bright morning lighted a lantern and ran to the market-place calling out unceasingly: "I seek God! I seek God!" As there were many people standing about who did not believe in God, he caused a great deal of amusement. Why? is he lost? said one. Has he strayed away like a child? said another. Or does he keep himself hidden? Is he afraid of us? Has he taken a sea voyage? Has he emigrated? - the people cried out laughingly, all in a hubbub.

The insane man jumped into their midst and transfixed them with his glances. "Where is God gone?" he called out. "I mean to tell you! We have killed him, you and I! We are all his murderers! But how have we done it? How were we able to drink up the sea? Who gave us the sponge to wipe away the whole horizon? What did we do when we loosened this earth from its sun? Whither does it now move? Whither do we move? Away from all suns? Do we not dash on unceasingly? Backwards, sideways, forwards, in all directions? Is there still an above and below? Do we not stray, as through infinite nothingness? Does not empty space breathe upon us? Has it not become colder? Does not night come on continually, darker and darker? Shall we not have to light lanterns in the morning? Do we not hear the noise of the grave-diggers who are burying God? Do we not smell the divine putrefaction? - for even Gods putrify! God is dead! God remains dead! And we have killed him!

How shall we console ourselves, the most murderous of all murderers? The holiest and the mightiest that the world has hitherto possessed, has bled to death under our knife - who will wipe the blood from us? With what water could we cleanse ourselves? What lustrums, what sacred games shall we have to devise? Is not the magnitude of this deed too great for us? Shall we not ourselves have to become Gods, merely to seem worthy of it? There never was a greater event - and on account of it, all who are born after us belong to a higher history than any history hitherto!" Here the madman was silent and looked again at his hearers; they also were silent and looked at him in surprise.

At last he threw his lantern on the ground, so that it broke in pieces and was extinguished. "I come too early," he then said. "I am not yet at the right time. This prodigious event is still on its way, and is traveling - it has not yet reached men's ears. Lightning and thunder need time, the light of the stars needs time, deeds need time, even after they are done, to be seen and heard. This deed is as yet further from them than the furthest star - and yet they have done it themselves!" It is further stated that the madman made his way into different churches on the same day, and there intoned his Requiem aeternam deo. When led out and called to account, he always gave the reply: "What are these churches now, if they are not the tombs and monuments of God?"

--Friedrich Nietzsche. The Gay Science (1882), section 125

Nietzsche did not mean that God was literally dead. For if that were true then it would've meant that God was alive in the first place. To Nietzsche the belief in God and the social underpinnings that stem from that belief had been replaced by science and rationalism. To Nietzsche we no longer needed a moral code based on religion. Taken one step further, if our morality is not based on religion then it is not based on absolutes. Therefore, morality is relative.

Now, whenever I read Nietzsche's quote I have this tendency to stop right after the statement "God is dead! God remains dead! And we have killed him!" Two things come to mind: morality & religion. I look around and see a world of moral decay. A world where self-interest rules and morality is all relative. It seems as though we are in a spiritual crisis. And when I look at the thought that we have killed God I look to the hearts of men.

How did we get here? The more we think we know the less we really know. We just think that we know everything. And the more knowledge we have, the less wisdom. Knowledge is power and instead of relying on faith we have learned to question everything. Challenge... Question... Rebel... Morality can now be found in shades of gray. There is no black and white, just shades of grey.

Then there is the church. Organized religion is based on traditions and has a tendency not to change with the times. As Marx said, "Religion is the opiate of the masses." How many churches are in a decline? Fewer people are choosing to attend church services. The Bible speaks of fellowship but does it have to be in church on a Sunday morning? Back in the day Jesus went out to the people. He met them where they were at. He even turned water into wine. Now I would like to have that kind of ability.

When I look around society all I see is blindness. I guess the real question is, if God is dead and we have killed him, will he be revived? Or have we turned our back forever?

Daytona 500

"Gentleman, start your engines" is a familiar cry to most people... even those people that are not race fans. And today was the Daytona 500. It has been a wild week. It marked the 6 year anniversary since Dale Earnhardt's death and the first time it will be run on the same day. Nascar was also making news this week with the penalties for cheating. And the race hadn't even started. The first 150 laps were routine... the last 50 were what made the race so exciting. About 15 cars ended up in crashes at one time or another and several of the big names didn't finish the race: Tony Stewart, Kurt Busch, Jimmie Johnson and Dale Earnhardt Jr. In the last lap, approaching the finish line, Kyle Busch hit Matt Kenseth and in the end Jeff Gordon, Sterling Marvin, Greg Bifle, Elliot Sadler and Clint Boyer were all involved. Clint Bowyer crossed the finish line upside down. And then there was the finish. Kevin Harvick beat Mark Martin by 2 100ths of second.

Just think in 5.5 months I'll be on my way to Montreal with Christie and Tammy to see a Nascar race. Okay so it will be a Busch race and not Nextel like today's race but still. Nascar is coming to Canada. And it's my vacation for this year. Is it too early for me to get excited about it?

Calling in Sick

So yesterday I called in sick... Not really surprising since I slept for 13 hours and felt really sick. Work called around 12:30. It has now become policy to call and ask how you're doing. So the message was something like this, "Hi, Heather this is _____ calling from work. Just calling to see how you were feeling. If you want to give me a call and let me know how you are doing. And if you do want to come into work feel free..." Back when I had the flu a couple of years ago I had been off work for a few days and my team leader called to see how I was doing and when I was coming back. That was appreciated. When it becomes policy (and you get calls from random managers, like yesterday) it seems forced and loses the personal appeal. It's no longer genuine and also seems to be more like harassment. I know that some people have a habit of calling in sick but I'm not one of them. And no you can't guilt trip me into coming into work. Unless I have been off work for a couple of days don't call me. After all you are not concerned about my well-being but are trying to get me to come into work.

Spending Time with Azrael

I was watching a movie earlier and Azrael came over and curled up on me. Or should I say he sprawled out on me. It was pretty cute actually. Kind of wish that I could've got a picture of it. Azrael does a great job of getting me to relax and get away from the computer. He loves having me home... He knows that he has me well trained. I pay lots of attention to him. Azrael is my baby and I love spending time with him.

The Secret to Getting Some Sleep

I discovered the sleep to getting some sleep last night. Take Trazadone, a mild anti-depressant used for sleep and add in Nyquil. I was out cold. Woke up long enough to call work and then passed out again. I actually woke up at 3:00 in the afternoon.

I'm not sure if I am fighting a cold or the flu at the moment. Really low on energy. Of course any time I get sick I get low on energy and struggle to take care of myself. I don't want to eat. All I want to do is sleep.

Misery Loves Company

This is now my fourth day with a headache... and my head still feels like it is going to explode. I am beginning to wonder if I really did learn to share in kindergarten or if I need to go back to school. As horrible as it sounds I almost want someone else to be sick just so someone else shares my pain. Misery loves company after all.

Meetings

Today was a day of meetings.... I took calls from 9 to 10:45. Well I took a whole two calls. Oops... Then I had to go to a meeting. We had a conference call where the performance coaches listened to a call and then scored it. These calls are used for calibration to make sure that we are scoring things the same way. From there it was off to another meeting. All the performance coaches have a bi-weekly meeting. By the time the meetings were over I was feeling pretty light headed since I hadn't eaten anything and am hypolglycemic. I was also fighting a headache. I took 30 minutes for lunch (yes I actually took my time today *lol*) but didn't eat anything. By that point I didn't want to eat... I just wanted the pain to stop. By now it's 3:00 and I haven't done anything to meet the mandate. But then I knew I had a roundtable at 4:30 so there was basically no point since I had to prepare for that. So yeah it was sort of productive... but sort of not. It was kind of frustrating... especially at the end of the day when my fate was sealed and I knew we weren't going to meet the mandate this week. That's a hard thing for me... I don't accept defeat... ever. Failure is not a word in my vocabulary. But this time... It sucks. It really bothers me that we won't meet the mandate. But that's life. And that was my day.

The Price of Lunch

When you think about the price of lunch you think of McDonald's... or Subway. I mentioned before that I have been working through my lunch and yesterday I finally started to think about the price. There is the health... But there is also the finances. I don't get paid for that time even though I am working. Time for some math:

$14.15/hour
30 minutes a day allotted for lunch
5 work days in a week
2.5 hours a week x 4 weeks in a month
10 hours a month x 9 months
= 90 hours
= $1273.50 in lost wages

I am kind of wondering how legal that is. I know that they have to give you the 30 minutes unpaid to take your lunch. But can they actually withhold your pay for working through your lunch? I know they can choose not to pay you if you don't take the 15 minute paid break... but can they really dock you the 30 minutes? I've tried looking on the web site for the Ministry of Labour but haven't found an answer. That's an expensive lunch.

Job Vs Career

The last couple of weeks have brought with it a lot of thought. Ever had those times when you think you are just swimming against the current and expending all your energy in a futile activity? We have probably all had those times when we think we are just spinning our gears.... That is how I feel at work. I keep thinking that things are going to change.... they're going to be different. But no matter how much things change they stay the same.

I've begun thinking about whether or not this is a job or a career.... I dropped out of school to pursue a career here. I want to think that this is where I should be and where I will be for years but the more I tow the company line the more I wonder if I am really just selling myself out. I look back to the post I wrote in December on Learning to Say No and realize the situation hasn't changed. I am still trying to take on too much. I am giving 110% to the company and taking it away from myself.

And for what? What am I sacrificing all this for? I make $14.15 an hour... I can't even afford to make my student loan payments. I don't take the breaks that I am allotted to and don't get paid for it either. I do it for the team and because I am damned if I do and damned if I don't. If I don't get the job done then I have to answer to Christie as to what happened. I already know that if I did take the breaks like I am supposed to the mandate would not be met.

I step up and get the job done. I may not stand out, preferring to work in the background. I'm like the worker bee. I keep my head down and just keep on working... But people tend to forget about all the work these people do. Christie just expects me to get it done... even though last week when John was off on vacation there are very few people that could've got the job done and actually met the mandate. I was pretty proud of it and didn't get any acknowledgement at all. Makes me wonder what the point was of working that hard....

Over the last 4 years it has just seemed like one thing after another has been standing in my way and holding me back. Seems like it is fate. Can you really get away from fate? At first I went back to school so it made sense that I couldn't apply for anything. Even when I had the flu I came back to work and continued to work the 10.5 hour shifts. It took a toll on my health because I came up too soon. I knew the effect of absenteeism and didn't want to add to the drain. For the first two years things were going well... relatively speaking. Then I went to a new team and found myself in a situation where the team leader and I had a personality conflict. For the first time ever I wanted to quit... Instead I moved to another team and took on another skill. I figured the more skills I had the more valuable I was to the company. And then I got the promotion to PC. I am still wondering if I should've held off until the next round of hiring. 7 months... and then a 7 week vacation... I debated coming back but I am loyal and still believed in the company. Even when they tried to tell me I was depressed... or were monitoring me.... I am beginning to wonder if I am trying to fool myself.

I guess the big question is whether or not this is a job or a career... Am I just spinning my wheels and going nowhere? As much as I like being a performance coach I don't want to do it forever. But am I ever going to move up in the company or will I be moving out? It's a tough one to answer. If I stay what will the cost be? For 9 months now I have been giving up my breaks to get the job done. Lately it has really been taking it's toll... both with the cold... and the fact I'm not eating. Not to mention the fibromyalgia and the pain it brings with it.

I don't want to quit... But I'm no longer sure whether that is because of the job... or because I just want to please people and keep the peace. I know I want to stay for the agents. Any advice you want to give is greatly appreciated. I feel like something needs to change... I just don't know what.

Student Loan Drama

I had to reapply for interest relief and somehow they take forever to make a decision. So next week I'll have to call the bank and get them to hold off on my payment in the meantime. Plus I am still waiting for the money from the Royal Bank but that will likely be another week or two. I do have a glimmer of hope though. I got the cheque in the mail from the National Student Loan Center. Now all I have to do is get to the bank to deposit it. Easier said then done though. Just like I have to figure out how I am going to get to the grocery store... We're in the middle of a cold streak and I can't handle being outside for more then 5 minutes. But any ways.... I have money again so that's a good thing :o)

Health & Well Being

On Tuesday I had to walk home from the chiropractor. I just knew I was going to wind up sick. I had already been fighting the congestion. It was about -24 degrees with the windchill and I had my laptop on my back. I was pretty drained. Wednesday I woke up and was definitely fatigued. By the end of the day I was exhausted. I got home from work and had a headache so I ordered dinner from Swiss Chalet. By the time it got here (which was an hour later) I didn't care about eating... I just wanted to sleep. I had dinner and then curled up on the futon. I don't normally fall asleep watching TV but I was out cold. I woke up because my neck was kinked and Azrael was asleep on my knees. I wasn't up for very long before I actually crawled into bed. I woke up this morning and even though the heat was on full it was 19 degrees in the apartment. My head was pounding from the congestion. My head feels like it is going to explode. I still dragged my ass out of bed and went to work. Felt pretty miserable all day. Came home and didn't even have the energy to eat. Even now it's all I can do to stay warm and stay awake. Make it stop....

The Cheese Grater Incident

Remember how I said I had the best boss? I'm so glad she has a sense of humour... and is thoughtful. When she was in the 'Shwa Christie found this mini grater. For one, it really is a miniature version of the one I cut myself on. Speaking of which, it is healing nicely... Not only that but the company sticker is also on the side I cut myself on. Apparently they don't want you cutting yourself on it. Christie thought I might be able to handle the smaller grater a little better. And I was just laughing.... She always finds the best presents and knows how to cheer you up.

Medical History

Today in the mail I got the consent form. I have to mail that back tomorrow. But I also got the medical history. It's pretty basic in the information it provides but it did fill in a few blanks. I'm not going to post the medical history here because I don't think it's fair. This is my family's history and I think some things don't need to be published for the entire world to see. If you really want to know then you can ask. And no Suzanne there wasn't a name on the paperwork. Have to wait a little longer to answer that question.

In Other News

So I guess the owner of the building didn't like the fact I accused him of extortion after telling me I hadn't paid my rent on time and owed them more money. They backed down from their request. Definitely a good thing since I don't have extra money to give them at the moment.

Both the bank and the student loan center are still dragging their heels at giving me back my money. I had to call the bank again today. Their response: "There is no guarantee with a stop payment". So then I had to call the Royal Bank loan center and ask them to refund the payment. That will take another 3 weeks. Not exactly news I wanted.

So then I called the National Student Loan Center. They have received my application for interest relief. The downside is that it usually takes them a month to process. So I am going to have to delay my payment with the Royal Bank and hope that it goes through without a hitch. As for the money they owe me... they told me that it had been approved but can take up to 2 weeks to write the cheque and get it to me.

So to recap: 5 weeks to get the money back from the Royal Bank and 4 weeks from the National Student Loans Center. I didn't need to pay my bills. The 77 cents in my bank account tells me I am not paying bills. Now I do get paid on Friday but since I am not sure if I'll get money back before my rent is due I'll have to weigh my options carefully.

In More Mundane News

I was at work the other day and someone felt the need to tell me that Adam and I looked really cute together at the Christmas party. They tried to tell me we should get back together (You hear that Adam? *lol*). I'm not even sure why it came up in conversation. It was pretty random. Spent about 10 minutes trying to tell me that. So there ya go... It must be true. *lol*

Pinch Me I Must Be Dreaming

First of all I want to apologize to Suzanne for not calling to tell her about this. I wanted to but never had the chance to. I got home really late.

As you might recall I am adopted and have been looking for information. I got a call back in December from the Adoption disclosure registry which began this leg of the journey but had to wait until January before I actually talked to Linda. That call really shook things up. After almost 10 years with nothing but a hope it seemed like the end just might in sight but I didn't want to get my hopes up. It was still the unknown....

This morning I got another call from Linda. The message said that she had information for me. So I immediately was starting to get my hopes up. But I had to go to work. She called me back as I was almost at work. So what did she want to tell me? Was it a name? Nope. Was it my medical information? Nope. So what was it? Linda called to tell me that my birth mother wanted to meet me. Not only that but apparently she does think about me a lot, especially on my birthday. The only other information that Linda gave me is that she is about my height and has blondish-brown hair. Since my father is Dutch how did my hair end up being so dark?

I am still in shock I think. It definitely hasn't sunk in yet. Linda will be sending me my medical information and will be sending a consent form. The consent form is for disclosing information. It's insane. Talk about a wild ride.

Agony

So after my little incident with the cheese grater the cut is healing nicely. It looks kinda nasty but it is healing okay. I just have to make sure I don't bang it on anything. Easier said then done.

The canker sore, on the other hand, is still giving me grief. Makes it painful to eat. On top of that I have a cracked tooth, or something which is also painful. I'm beginning to think I should get some anbesol and see if it helps at all. After all it can't possibly make things worse. The alternative is ice and trying to numb it.

Perception, Reality and the Chasm In Between

The old adage is that perception equals reality. According to Wikipedia,

"Many philosophers contend that perception consists of one's interpretation of the world, but as commonality of perception trends toward 100% perception transmorgrifies into reality. Case in point: the sky is blue - reality, now imagine everyone but you perceived the sky to be red. The reality would then become "the sky is red". Thus reality is merely a popular consensus of perception. All things in the universe are understood as received through the various filters of human understanding and thus are perceptions of reality. What we commonly refer to as reality is, in fact, merely an agreed upon perception.

Many cognitive psychologists hold that, as we move about in the world, we create a model of how the world works. That is, we sense the objective world, but our sensations map to percepts, and these percepts are provisional, in the same sense that scientific hypotheses are provisional (cf. in the scientific method). As we acquire new information, our percepts shift."

I was having a conversation with someone at work the other day. It became abundantly clear how different our perceptions were. He thought I would've been popular in high school and had trouble picturing me as a ghost. Now times have changed and that was 10 years ago. So, in and of itself, that would've been meaningless. But they went on to say how popular I was now... how confident I appeared. Basically this person saw me as self-confident, outgoing, extraverted, popular... all the things I don't see in myself.

How do I see myself? I see myself as introverted. I definitely don't see myself as all that confident. Maybe I just fake it really well. *lol* I see myself as more of a recluse and pretty guarded. Basically I see myself as the complete opposite as how Stephan sees me.

Made me realize a couple of key points. For one... people are paying attention to everything you do, especially once you start moving up in the company. What kind of example are you setting?

Secondly, how you see yourself may not be the same as how other people see you. In fact they might be complete opposites. It's all about perception. How we have constructed our world view will shape how we see other people and their actions.

Misery Loves Company

The weekend is now wrapping up. It has been a quiet weekend which is nice. It's a weekend where I just want to be left alone. I am currently somewhat miserable. I never take it well when I am sick. I just want to be feeling better and I want to be feeling better now. Add to that fatigue and pain from the Fibromyalgia and I just want to rest and be left alone. Not to mention the canker... or the cut and it's been a wonderful weekend.

I also realized yesterday that when injured... or sick... I revert back to when I was a kid. It's no wonder people take on a nurturing role with me. I can't (or more accurately don't know how to) take care of myself. I was never taught those skills. When I was born I was 9 weeks early and in respiratory distress. They weren't sure I was going to make it. So my mom was over-protective... to the point of not teaching me anything.

The reason I noticed it yesterday was because I am currently feeling a cold coming on. To most people that would mean they take it easy, rest and drink plenty of fluids. Me... I try and keep up with my normal pace... drink Coke instead of water. I just don't end up taking care of myself. And then there was also the cut. Because of the location it was hard to stop the blood. I couldn't find any polysporin so I got out the isopropyl alcohol and applied that. Talk about pain and then slapped another band-aid on and hoped the bleeding would stop.

Maybe I just need someone to take care of me *lol* I have this image in my head now of a little kid with their thumb in their mouth holding a security blanket.

Owie

Today has been a rough day. Started out with what feels like a bruise on my lower back, right above my tailbone. It only really bothers me if I touch it so I am trying not to bump it. At some point I also bit my lip and am developing a nice canker sore. I am wishing I had some Kanka to put on it.

So far so good right? I was making garlic bread and had to shred some mozarella cheese. Easy enough. Or so I thought. But the block was still frozen and didn't shred nearly as nicely. I had to add a lot of force to it. And then I did something I haven't done in a while. I caught my finger on the shredder. Let me tell you... I did a better job taking the skin off my finder then I was doing with the block of cheese.

I'm thinking I should go back to resting and not do anything else. Tomorrow I am definitely taking it easy. Still trying to get healthy although I'm not doing too badly. Apparently though I should stay away from sharp objects. They seem to be fighting back.

Why???

Am I cursed? I am beginning to think so. I just paid $20 to put a stop payment on my loan with the Royal Bank so that they wouldn't take the payment. I check my bank balance this morning and the payment had been taken out. So I have just had $500 taken out of my account to pay for my student loans... and was already told that my interest relief had gone through. Now I'm going to have to call the bank to get that reversed and hope that it can be done quickly... since right now I have no money to live on. I have enough to cover rent... and maybe buy some groceries and that's it. But I don't want to not be paying my bills either since that adds up rather quickly and you start getting some nasty phone calls. *Sigh* I hate it when it's pay day and you realize that you're still behind the 8-ball. Do I have a sign that says kick me?

Aaagggghhhhhh

Can you tell it's been a great morning? I wake up to the superintendent banging on the door. I figure it has something to do with the letter accusing them of extortion and don't answer. 5 minutes later I hear keys in the lock and am wondering what's going on. He lets himself into the apartment and then when he realizes I am home tells me he has the wrong apartment. Since he said he was looking for bugs... what would've happened had I not been home?

So that was the first 15 minutes of my morning. I decided to check my bank balance. That might have been a mistake. When I called the National Student Loans Center last week the first thing I said was to remove automatic withdrawal so that this payment was not taken out. After all they don't give you your money back under any circumstance. Guess what? They took the payment any ways. I really don't have $300 to give to them and there is a possibility that my rent cheque will bounce now. More importantly, no matter what happens with my interest relief application I won't get that money back. It's like depositing that money into a black hole, never to be seen again. This is ridiculous. Now I have to call them again before I go to work and ask about that... and about my interest relief application. How can they screw things up this much? I think a monkey would do a better job then half of these people. Just give them a banana and they're happy.

UPDATE: The moron I spoke with last week (the one I was arguing with about whether or not my student loan with the Royal Bank counted) only turned off the automatic withdrawal on one loan payment and not both. But the guy I was speaking is processing a refund for the payment. Too bad that means I have no money for the next 3 weeks. *Sigh*

As for the interest relief they gave it to me for January but not beyond that. Apparently I have used all 30 months with the bank (or will after January) so I have to apply for extended interest relief in order to not make payments. I don't understand how the bank can be 6 months ahead of the National Student Loan Center. So that means more paper work and more hassles to get it approved. Once again, a one month reprieve and then the battle begins all over again.

Changing Times

I have been single for a year and three months. It has given me a chance to be alone and not dependent on someone else. Sure there are times when I would like to be in a relationship but I no longer feel that my self-worth is determined by someone else. It shouldn't be. I am okay with who I am and I like me. Yes it does seem to be odd saying that but that's okay.

The time has also given me a chance to become sober... not that I was an alcoholic or anything but there were definitely some bad benders. It's still kind of weird not drinking though. When I go out I almost feel like I should be getting a drink. I haven't completely given up alcohol but now it's only a drink with dinner, that kind of thing.

I also quit smoking. I have now made it to the 8 month mark and counting. It's pretty impressive since I was the adamant smoker that kept saying I was not going to quit. Somehow that has translated into me doing more work... Partially to keep myself busy... and partially because I just don't know what to do otherwise.

I'd like to say I've given up all my vices but that would not be entirely true. I still battle with the thought of self injury. I haven't gone back to it but the temptation is still there. The last time I did was just before I got my annual review back in July. So I guess that means I just made it to the 6 month mark :o) One day at a time... It's like the alcoholics creed. Maybe one day I will have found a healthy way to cope and won't even think about it. But until then I wear the bracelet and remind myself that it's one more day.

I Like Me

"I like me" may seem like a really odd statement to most people who are reading this... but it has taken me a long time to get to that point. For the longest time my identity was forged by the people who knew me and especially by the relationship I was in. My sense of self-worth was in essence shaped by my relationship with others instead of myself. It doesn't take much to realize that my self-worth was really low. I went from relationship to relationship because without being with someone I didn't think I had any value... I looked at things with a really distorted lens and had trouble just being me. And now.... I like me.

Management Position

Back when they were looking for team managers I applied for the job.... At the moment I can't apply for anything but that's besides the point. It still shows that I am looking to the future and want to move up in the company. Okay so that's not why I applied but it sounds good in hindsight. I applied because I wanted the position... and didn't know that I couldn't apply.

At the time Steve suggested that I was only applying for the position because of the money and the fact it meant that I could pay off my student loan. It has been a few months now since that posting and the comment has stayed with me. In fact, it still bothers me. I am really insulted by that thought.

Money is not the be-all and end-all. Sure it would be nice to make enough money to pay back my student loans and get out of debt. But at the moment I don't. Money is just a trap. You always want more. There is always something else that you want to buy. I would never want to take a job just for the money. If there is no passion in it then what's the point? I don't want to be a performance coach forever. Don't get me wrong... I love my job... but I don't want to do it forever. I do want to move up the ladder into a job that has more responsibility.

The only drawback is that I would rather promotions be merit based and not how well you can perform on an interview. That's just me though. I work hard day in and day out but a lot of it just blends in with the background and goes unnoticed. Christie is used to the extra work I do so now it's expected. But I also prefer to just come in and work... get the job done all the time... and not be about the glory and getting noticed. My agents respect me and Christie knows how hard I work. That's all I need. But it makes it more difficult when going for a promotion.

Good News/Bad News

So the good news is that I got the insurance money from my nightguard today. They covered the entire thing. That means I can pay rent tomorrow. So that was good news. I was really getting concerned about that.

The bad news is that there is still no word on my interest relief application. I had to put a stop payment in with the Royal Bank but that is only temporary. Not to mention, as I have learned before, it is all too easy to get behind in your payments and then you end up in a LOT of trouble. They told me I would hear back in 3 business days. It has now been 5 and still no word. *Sigh* I really didn't want to call them again. I just don't want to deal with it. How about I win the lottery and not worry about it? That would be nice.