Laundry

Just wanted to point out that I did laundry the other day without destroying anything. Everything went fine and there was nothing in my pockets.

Inflammation

What is with my week? If the nerve damage wasn't bad enough now my jaw seems to be inflamed. I keep feeling sharp pain in my jaw and it spreads into my neck. I was at the chiropractor's today and there was nothing she could do since it's actually swollen. I'm trying to decide if I should be going to the doctors or just wait until next week to see the dentist. I could really do with some muscle relaxers. I'm going to try and gut it out until next week but we'll see. At the moment it's pretty agonizing.

Perspective

Why is it that the only time we ever really look back on our lives and take stock is when something happens? Usually I am too busy with work and relaxing when I come home. I get caught up in the small picture and never really take the time to look at the big picture.

I'm definitely not where I thought I'd be. Okay so that's not a bad thing... just not what I imagined. I had always figured I'd be married by now. Well step 1 would be being in a relationship and I don't see that on the horizon.

I also figured I'd be working with young offenders. Well some of my agents might fit that category. I'm just kidding. My job is a mix of technology and psychology. Not only do I have to be able to troubleshoot but I also have to coach the agents. I love my job, most of the time any ways.

I never was that good at being organized or setting goals so I can't really offer that much more perspective on my life. Maybe I should set more goals... and maybe I should stop and take more time to think about life instead of just looking at the small picture all the time.

Labels and the Stigma That Goes With Them

Why do we always feel the need to label people? Labels involve names. After giving it some thought I believe that we simply cannot see the world as individuals or it would be too overwhelming. Categories make it easier.

Unfortunately, labels can also bring a stigma with it. Sometimes labels will end up shaping our identity and how we see ourselves. A kid with ADHD will probably never see themselves as anything else. It becomes who they are.

When I went on my LOA they sent me to a doctor who believed that Fibromyalgia was symptom of a psychiatric disorder. When I said I was fatigued, oversleeping, and having trouble getting out of bed he chalked it up to depression. The symptoms just reinforced his belief. So he believed I needed an emergency exam from a psychiatrist. I was angry since I knew I didn't have a mental disorder. Mind you by the end I was questioning it. So the report that work got was that I was depressed. My team leader questioned me and basically called me liar when I said it wasn't depression. She thought I was just in denial. They put me on Zoloft which was a bad idea... maybe because I wasn't depressed. As much as I tried to fight it I had the label of depression... I still have that label. And I am familiar with the stigma that is associated with a mental illness. The more I try and deny it the more I look like I am just denying that I have a mental illness. And once you have the label it's not easy to break free.

Right about now I want to say I told you so... to all the people that said I was depressed... that it was all in my head. So did I need the 2 months off? Did I need to see the psychiatrist? Did I need the medications? No... I needed a doctor to take the time and listen to what I had to say. I needed someone that didn't have some preconceived notion that I had a mental disorder. Someone asked me why I didn't tell the doctor the whole truth about my LOA... and the knife. For one, I didn't think it was any of his business since I made the choice not to use it. Secondly, I didn't want it to shape his opinion of me and change the course of treatment. Looks like I made the right choice. The fatigue and the lack of energy isn't caused by depression... it's the low platelet count. The fact I am sick is because of the low white blood cell count. In a nutshell my immune system is all but non existent. Hmm... yeah I guess that would lead to fatigue, among other things.

So the next time you want to label someone... or their behaviour... think about the stigma that the label might cause. Everyone is unique and what we think about someone reflects our beliefs about them and our perceptions. That doesn't make it truth.

What I've Learned

Okay so maybe this is a little harsh but I am pretty jaded. I've learned that life is not fair. I've learned that bad things happen to anyone. I've also learned that doing the right thing doesn't always end up to be the right thing. Looking back I can't help but wonder if I did the right thing. What was the point? Yes, I stood up for my rights after being victimized but was it worth the cost? Not only did I have to go through it the first time but then I had to relive it at the police station. Followed by a return home for the police to collect evidence. I lost my favourite t-shirt and my sheets. Then it was off to the hospital where if you don't go through a rape kit all the accused has to do is deny having sex.. and the defense lawyer has all the evidence before a plea is even entered. Oh and if that wasn't fun enough then I had to go back to the police station and repeat everything all over again, this time on camera. It was a long, gruelling day and it felt like I was victimized all over again. And that was just the beginning. When I came back to work I had my movements restricted so that I wouldn't end up near him (and in spite of the peace bond that restriction has now been lifted). And co-workers said I was a "lying bitch that had him charged out of spite." Made it tough to go into work. During my LOA there was a poll as to why I was off and the rape was the number 1 reason.

When it came to the court case I was pretty much left in the dark. In fact it was Adam that told me about his first court appearance. I had no idea. I got one letter and that was it. 7 months of silence and then a phone call telling me the charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence and a lack of witnesses. So now I ask myself, what was the point? It had a great cost to me personally and professionally. For what? Life would've been easier had I not gone to the police. It's been 8 months so I am over what happened. I didn't need therapy, just time.

I've learned why rape is so underreported. I've learned it doesn't pay off to press charges. I've learned what it's like to stand alone. And now I am left with just one question that I can't seem to answer.

Did I do the right thing?

Dentist

I am beginning to think that this is the week to kick me when I am down. Anything else want to happen this week? Okay... I really shouldn't say that. I remember what happened last time. Today was the tail end of my weekend, back to work tomorrow. I figured I'd go to the dentist while I was off. Nice thought. So the dentist was putting the freezing in and hit a blood vessel. I felt this weird sensation go right through to my ear. And, of course, there is the fact my platelet count is low. So I'm automatically having a mini panic attack . Well then he did nerve damage. He used more freezing then last time so I didn't think much of it when a couple hours later my jaw was hurting. But when it was still hurting 6 hours after they did the freezing I knew there was nerve damage. Why is it that every time they do work on the lower right they manage to do nerve damage? The last time around I was getting my wisdom teeth out and they did nerve damage. Half my tongue was numb and there are still days that I can feel it. But once again they damaged the nerves. I can even feel it in my neck. I could barely eat. Hoping it is improved tomorrow. If all else fails I think I still have some Percocets I could take.

Justice Part 2

There was a time I believed in justice. I was naive and thought I lived in a just world. It was my belief that life was fair and while I believed in rehabilition I also believed in restitution. My ideas of justice and the perfect world have been called into question lately. Perhaps I feel differently having been a victim of crime. When I got a call a couple of weeks ago telling me the charges were being dropped it was like I was victimized all over again. If I had known this was how it was going to turn out I wouldn't have gone to the police at all. Spending 10 hours at the police station and the hospital was not my idea of a good day. I had my name dragged through the mud at work. For what? They dropped the charges due to a lack of evidence and the fact there were no witnesses. I was sexually assaulted. Of course there were no witnesses. The cop that told me the charges were dropped pointed out the fact I wouldn't have to testify. Yes that is a good thing and was not something I was looking forward to. But I knew that I was going to have to testify and was prepared to do so. It was disappointing and did nothing but reinforce the victimization a sexual assault victim goes through every step of the way. It's no wonder it is so under-reported. Makes me rethink the whole idea of justice as well. I have been let down by the justice system and there is nothing I can do.

Justice

As taken from Wikipedia, "Justice (French justice from Latin justitia, from justus "just") is a concept involving the fair, moral, and impartial treatment of all persons. In its most general sense, it means according individuals what they actually deserve or merit, or are in some sense entitled to. Justice is a particularly foundational concept within most systems of "law," and draws highly upon established and well-regarded social traditions and values. From the perspective of pragmatism, it is the name for a fair result.

In most cases what one regards as "just" is determined by consulting established and agreeable principles, employing logic, or, in certain systems, by consulting a majority. In social contexts where religion dominates, justice may be thought to require deference to religious texts or to spiritual guidance. If a person lives under a certain set law in a country, concepts of "justice" are often simply deferential to the existing law —the issuing of punitive reprimands for violations may be referred to as "serving justice." In principle, this fits the general concept in that the individuals get what is supposedly due to them.

Classically, justice was the ability to recognize one's debts and pay them. It was a virtue that encompassed an unwillingness to lie or steal. It was the basis for the code duello. In this view, justice is the opposite of the vice of venality.

In jurisprudence, justice is the obligation that the legal system has toward the individual citizen and the society as a whole."

Denial

I'm sure we've all had those moments where we wish we could go back in time and change things. Right now I am definitely having one of those moments. I've known I was sick for a very long time now. I just kept on denying it.

It all started in November of 2003. I celebrated my birthday and the next day felt like I had the flu. I would up at the hospital and they said it was the flu. I couldn't eat and spent most of my time in bed. I lost about 20 pounds and couldn't seem to recover. I wound up back at the hospital and they said to eat McDonald's. At 70 pounds your body is in survival mode more then anything else. I stopped going to class and was going to work three days a week so I wouldn't get fired. Lost the semester in school. By then I was looking better and had gained the weight back. Everyone thought things were back to normal. I knew better but wouldn't admit to it.

I moved in with Adam around the same time. He said that when you move in together that's when you see what the other person is really like. There is definitely some truth to that. But I never went back to the person I was when we first met. And this is where most of the regrets come from. Would things have worked out? I'll never know. But I take full responsibility for things not working out. I lost the one person I have really loved, in part because I refused to admit that anything was wrong. I kept telling myself that I just needed more sleep. The relationship was strained because I didn't have the energy to do anything... Hell I could barely get out of bed. But since I didn't look sick I could easily put on the front that I wasn't. Certain friends really didn't help the situation any. They wanted to see it fail and pushed for it to happen. I became an easy target. And I wasn't willing to let anyone know that I wasn't doing so well.

So the relationship ended and my denial continued. I moved into my new apartment, still telling myself I just needed some rest. But even with vacation time that didn't happen. I was just more and more tired. I would go to work and go home and that has pretty much been my life. A life ruled by overwhelming fatigue.

The irony is that my attendance at work has been better since this started happening then it was previously. I haven't had pneumonia or the flu since then and haven't had as many cases of bronchitis. Now I did move out of Rose's and I do think that helped my health tremendously. But I never see fatigue as a good enough reason not to go to work. So I struggle through.

And as far as doctor's go... I didn't have a family doctor and it never really seemed to be something I would go to emergency for. I was also lying to myself... saying it was just the insomnia... or burnout... or the fibromyalgia. When I was at the ER for something else I briefly asked them about it. The response I got was "I'm just an ER doctor." There are a lot of people in Peterborough without family doctors so they have to turn to the ER. When I was on my LOA work sent me to see Dr. Kaskey. When I said I was exhausted and could barely get out of bed he told me it was depression and that I needed strong anti-depressants to get better. So now I was being told it was all in my head. Made it easier to deny anything was wrong. Then I found a family doctor. He put me on medication that helped me sleep but did nothing for the fatigue. I was referred to a rheumatologist who did the blood work that determined my white blood cell count and platelet count were both abnormal. So much for denial. I was able to deny it for 2 years. Now it's time for a reality check.

So to Adam... I am sorry. I am also surprised that you stuck it out as long as you did. Time for me to face the reality and admit that I am sick. I may not admit that I can't do it alone but that's just not in me to do. Step 1. Admitting. Step 2. Getting help. Step 3. Recovery.

Good News

I guess I should mention the good news that also came out of the doctor's visit. I decided to go on Zyban to quit smoking. Probably not the best time in the world to quit... but there is no time like the present. I had made that decision before I even went there. Fortunately, my insurance covers it. I decided aginst cold turkey this time around since last time it almost cost me my job. No binge drinking for me. Not that I was drinking any ways... but apparently it can cause seizures. So we'll see how that goes.

The Answer I Didn't Want

I am definitely glad that this is not my 100th post. I'm starting to think it was a sign this morning when I got up and it was raining outside. We were late leaving Peterborough and it rained the entire drive to Pickering. Not a good way to start the day.

It was about to get worse... much worse. The reason the doctor wanted me to come in wasn't because of my medications... or because I hadn't been in for a while. He had the results of the blood work. I wanted to know why I was tired all the time. I guess I got the answer... it just wasn't the one I wanted. About 2 months ago they had run some tests and part of that testing was a CBC to check the levels of white blood cells, red blood cells, and platelets. A few days later they called, wanting me to come back for more tests. Both times the white blood cell count, and the platelet count came back abnormal. As you can imagine that's not a good thing. I'm pretty sure the doctor said they were both low. So when I went to see my family doctor he wanted to run the tests again and is planning to refer me to a hematologist. That doesn't sound so bad... until it was followed by this sentence, "You're likely going to need a bone marrow biopsy done." He wants to make sure the bone marrow is still producing blood cells like it should be.

No sooner had I heard those words... and had the blood work done... I was on my way back to Peterborough to head off to work. Believe me, work was not where I wanted to be. I worked my shift and then came home. I am happy to be off for the next two days. Going to try and just rest and take it easy. Now it's a waiting game. I won't know anything for the next two weeks.. and then still have to wait for the hematologist. It's the not knowing that I hate.

Right about now I should also point out there are 101 reasons why the blood cell count is low. Yes, there is leukemia. But there is also vitamin deficiencies, certain types of anemia, and a whole variety of other causes. At this point only time will tell.

Heatwave

It is currently 24 degrees C (74.2 degrees F) in my apartment... definitely a lot warmer then I would like it to be. And that is with the air conditioner in my bedroom. Granted my room is a lot cooler but I'd really like them to fix the thermostat. I'm thinking I might still need a fan out in the living room. The air conditioner doesn't seem to extend much past my bedroom. But that might change once the heat isn't on in the living room. All I know is that 74 degrees is a little too warm for my liking. It drove me nuts when Steve had the temperature cranked all winter. I had trouble breathing and in heat I also notice more pain, although that one is likely perception. Could be worse... when I first moved in it was bout 86 degrees in here... so it is cooler now. A little lower would be nice.

Doctors

So tomorrow I am back to the doctors. Gotta head up to Pickering before work. Maybe I'll even get the results of my blood work. I'm hoping he can also figure out why I am still so tired all the time. The medication is definitely helping to keep me asleep but I still feel exhausted when I get up and low on energy. I got to thinking back and it seemed to have started when I got the flu... and that was two years ago. But I guess rapid weight loss tends to have lasting consequences. Hard to believe I dropped to 70 pounds and was still going to work. Lost the semester at school and that was the end of my academic career. Before someone wants to suggest ginseng it can't be taken with my current medication. I kept thinking that I just needed more sleep... and that in time it would get better... but I guess I was wrong. Maybe it is just the fibromyalgia. Either way it is really frustrating and really limits what I do. It also ends up being a viscious cycle. For instance, I don't walk to work because I don't have the energy but because I'm not getting much exercise I end up more tired. I guess the first step to being completely healthy was actually getting a family doctor. Now I can really look into what's going on. Or hey, if nothing else I can get my prescription refilled.

How to Get out of Doing Laundry

Some days I can just be such an idiot... I know technology doesn't mix well with water. Yet somehow if I can get it into the laundry I will. About a year ago my cell phone went through the washing machine... followed by the dryer. You'd think I would have learned. Apparently not. Last weekend I checked the pockets on one side. Saved my keys, bank card and pen. Losing them would have been much cheaper. I thought my PDA was on the table but I was wrong. As I put the clothes in the dryer I heard "thump, thump, thump." Never a good sound. My heart just dropped. I let it dry out for 24 hours and amazingly it did power on (but only when connected to power). You could definitely see water marks on the display. In Apple land we'd call that "Beyond economical repair." After 48 hours the display actually looked normal... well okay there was an occassional flicker but at least you couldn't see the water marks. Unfortunately, there are still power issues. It doesn't seem to be recognizing the battery. I suppose if I leave it long enough it just might start working again. I ended up ordering a replacement which should be here in about a week. I bought a titanium case for my original PDA. Looks like I needed a waterproof case instead. Or maybe I just shouldn't keep it in my pants pocket. One of life's lessons. Maybe I'll learn this time. Or maybe I'll just get someone else to do my laundry for me.

One Day Weekend

It's time for another one day weekend. Today is my only day off. Well, okay I am also off on Wednesday and Thursday but still. I've been resting all day since it was a busy week and I am still a little congested. My immune system really does seem to have trouble fighting anything off. I even had Christie giving me orders to relax. It's kind of sad that someone had to tell me to slow down and take the time off. But I relly didn't have anything that I absolutely needed to do today. Even laundry is waiting until later this week. But I did learn I am not that good at relaxing. I keep looking for something I need to do. Okay so I am a type A personality and always need to be busy. But it's almost time for me to call it a night. The joys of being back on days, for the first time in a month. So now I am signing off and heading off to bed.

The Move

The move really did turn out to be a nightmare. Friday morning I went down to sign the lease and pick up the keys. Steve was mad because I didn't get up earlier but he had told me that he wasn't moving anything until after work. So I got the keys and went to work. Finished work at 9:30 and helped Steve start moving some stuff. Went to bed around 2:30 a.m. Got up and went back to work. Steve had initially said he wanted to be done on Saturday night which was a great plan. I only had one day off and wanted to spend it unpacking. But... it really didn't work that way. Steve hadn't taken into account the fact that the May 1 weekend is the number one time for people to be moving. So he didn't get done nearly as much as he wanted to. After work on the Saturday I was packing up all the odds and ends from the kitchen and making sure that everything else was ready to go. On one of the first loads he took my bed. That kind of aggravated me. I understood why he did it... but I knew the move wasn't going to be done Saturday night. I had figured I wouldn't be leaving until the bitter end since when I went I had to tak Azrael with me. So then he took the futon... leaving me nothing to sleep on. I ended up being up for 24 hours. Then I just passed out on the floor with my duvet and a pillow. Within 30 minutes 2 kids were banging on the door to sell me something. Got rid of them and passed out again. Then Steve woke me up to move more of the stuff. I get up and there is nothing I can do. I don't have any furniture there and Steve had the keys to my new apartment. So by this point it's my one day off... and I am stuck doing nothing. Around 5:30 Joe (the new tenant) comes by with his brother and a friend. They load up Steve's van but couldn't do anything else. So then I was just killing time until 9:30 when Steve got off work. Joe and company were supposed to be there at 9:30 to help Steve move the rest of my stuff. Well they showed up... but with a load of their own stuff. Then 2 more loads. At 11:30 Steve finally heads over to my new place but not with any of them. He did get some help... but the guy just dropped the stuff off outside and left. So now it's unprotected and Steve is still doing everything by himself. Around 1:30 in the morning he got back and I could pack up the computer and the cat and finish the move. At 2:00 a.m. I had to find my clothes, the alarm clock, and the stuff for the cat. Then on Monday I was back at work. The only good part about that was that it was a night shift. Needless to say it was a long weekend.

Once the move was done came the fun job of unpacking. More late nights and little sleep. Fortunately, it's now done... except for the air conditioner and blinds. Working on both of those. The thermostat also seems to not be working. It took a couple of days to notice since I was unpacking. Then I turned it down and it didn't help. Even with the doors wide open it's still about 75 degrees in here. That's cooler then it was but it's kind of annoying since it means I wake up to the sounds of traffic and since it's been raining for 2 days I can feel the humidity. I have mentioned it 3x to the super now and still no word on when it will be fixed. Thank goodness I am not paying utilities.

But I do love the new apartment. I finally have my own space again. it almost reminds me of one of my apartments in London. I turned the dining area into a mini office. I've also got a balcony again. The only potential downside is getting to work. It's not quite as convenient as living in the same building I work in. But that's not necessarily a bad thing. Now I just need some time to actually relax and enjoy it.

Back Online

So after a month without the internet I am back online. I managed to survive without it. In some ways it was harder being without the cable TV then it was the internet. But I had movies to watch and was in the middle of my move. Today, the guy from Cogoeco was here to connect it. Probably his easist job of the day. I already had everything connected. It just needed to be activated. Now I am back to the Ultimate Fighter and catching up with the online world.

Computer Update

And now for some good news. I received the replacement computer earlier this week. :o) I ended up having to ship the computer back at my expense. At least they are reimbursing me for the shipping cost. Either way it has been a real hassle. Hopefully this time around it works a little better. I am still contemplating calling CR though. I like using words like "downtime", "Business critical" and "appeasement". We'll see. But at least I have my computer.

Offline

In case you're wondering why there haven't been any posts from me recently I am currently offline. I forgot to tell Cogeco that I was moving so they cut off my cable and my internet access. Oops. Guess I really should have told them. I am not sure when I will be back online since I still haven't gotten around to calling Cogeco. I am hoping by next weekend but we'll see.

Bad Timing

So it looks like my computer failure was also a victim of bad timing. I did get ahold of sales support today. In Canada they don't use FedEx. They send out a box by DHL. It takes 1-3 business days to arrive. Being the holiday weekend that meant a delay since there is no mail delivery Friday or Monday. So I should be getting a box on Tuesday or Wednesday. Then it will likely take a week before I actually do get the replacement unit in. Nice to know I will be waiting for the replacement longer then I actually had the computer for. :o(