Tuesday, June 13, 2006
Zombie Like State
I am definitely remembering why I started smoking again last time. Between being told that I was quite negative and it was a behavioural issue.... which I was told was going to go to management... and the insomnia... I gave up. I think the possibility of losing my job was a pretty good motivation to start smoking again. I never thought that it would save my job. This time around has definitely been better.... But the insomnia is definitely a factor... and it seems to be getting worse. Waking up hourly is not fun at all! So now I am struggling with hoping it gets better and the possibility that I might get some sleep... It's not an easy thing. When you've been waking up pretty much hourly for the last 3 weeks that's rough... all you want is sleep. "Sleep perchance to dream..." Granted it doesn't help when you're an insomniac to begin with. It really seems to compound it. Mind you, other events in the last month are likely playing a role as well. The same day I quit smoking I found out I was likely going to need a bone marrow biopsy. So that has been weighing on me quite a bit as well. I have heard that after a month the insomnia starts to get better. I sure hope so. Would be kind of sad if the reason I start smoking again has nothing to do with craving nicotine but is because I want a good night's sleep. I am comforted by the fact Amy, who quit at the same time, is going through the exact same thing. Not that I would wish this sleeplessness on anyone but at least I'm not alone. The sleeping pills are not helping. maybe I should go with something a little stronger... there's an idea. Maybe not a good one... but it's an idea.
Vulernability
After giving the web site address to my blog to a friend from work (Yes, Pat this one's for you... and no I haven't said anything bad about you... I checked to make sure) I feel a little exposed, vulnerable. I really hate feeling vulnerable. I feel like I should have deleted a few posts... things that most people don't know... but I also don't want to censor myself. I'd probably have to delete at least half the posts *lol* And that would throw the whole open and honest part right out the window. I suppose you can't really say I'm dishonest if I omit it. I'm sure you'll never see me the same way though. But I guess that's what happens when you bare your soul and leave very few skeletons in the closet. Just plenty of demons.
Scars
I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel
Papa Roach – “Scars”
Open & Honest
I got to thinking yesterday about whether or not honesty really involves being open. There is the old saying about being "Open and Honest" But now... there is the internet. Are we still being open and honest? I would have to say no... On one level, yes I can be more open about things that are going on in my life. For example, how many people found out about my medical issues from here instead of from me? Or the fact that my apartment was on fire? But I can still hide behind a wall of anonymity. Yes, people I know have access to the page but I don't really have to think about that fact. I can still maintain the issues I have with trust by hiding. I don't have to see their reaction, and likewise they don't have to see mine. The eyes are the window to the soul... and in being honest that is the part I have the most trouble with. Or maybe it's the fear of emotions. I've spent almost my entire life believing I had to be strong and not feel anything. People still call me cold as ice... So are we any more open with the advent of the internet and personal blogs? Or do we interact less and are using the internet as a shield instead?
Monday, June 12, 2006
My Brain Hurts
I think my brain actually hurts right now from too much thinking... Don't worry I am not starting another philosophical debate at the moment... I have a few topics I could delve into but tonight I am just going to relax. Maybe I am just tired from having to actually be up this morning. I couldn't sleep in until 11. I had to actually be awake and somewhat functioning at 9:00 a.m. I must admit though that it is nice to be off at 5:30 and be able to enjoy the evening. But at the same time I do end up really tired. And at the moment I need to go to the post office before work... and I really do not want to be up that early. Maybe on Wednesday... maybe. But for now... time to watch a movie... get away from the computer and get to bed around midnight.
Closing Thoughts
Now back to the question I asked at the beginning... "Is equality a noble ideal and something we should strive for or should we simply acknowledge the inequalities in society and continue on with the hierarchy of power?" The second question was, "If we do believe that equality is a worthwhile goal, does it have to be absolute? Can it be a reduction of inequality.. or equality only in certain areas?
If it had to be black or white, an all or nothing situation then I would have to argue against equality. In a capitalist society there can never be a true equality. It is not my political views that would have me argue against equality. In terms of equality in regards to income my issue is not that everyone be equalized... but that the poor have enough to make a decent life.
There are three equalities from a political standpoint.
In terms of equal opportunities I do not believe in affirmative action. I do believe that we should have equal access to health, education, employment and social welfare. On that note it would be good if education was sponsored by the government. But that is just my thought.
Equality of law means that when a law is created every person is to be treated equally under the law.
I guess the only one I have a problem with is the idea of equal income distribution. I do not believe that socialism is the answer and I enjoy having the individual freedoms. But any attempt to create equality will undoubtedly challenge those freedoms. Sometimes it is necessary to sacrifice the individual for the good of the whole.
Culture, religion, lifestyle, feelings – these are all aspects of our private lives and should be of no concern to the state or other public authorities. Yet governments in the West pour public money into what should be private, to separate and divide people even more. A truly plural society would be one in which citizens have full freedom to pursue their different values or practices in private, while in the public sphere all citizens would be treated as equals whatever the differences in their private lives. Today, however, pluralism has come to mean the very opposite. The right to practise a particular religion, speak a particular language, follow a particular cultural practice is seen as a public good rather than a private freedom. Different interest groups demand to have their ‘differences’ institutionalised in the public sphere.
If culture, religion and lifestyle were private and were part of individual rights there would likely be more equality in society. The problem is that all of these issues have now been on display in the public arena with each group wanting more rights. How about each group be treated equally so that we do not need special interest groups, all talking of the injustices they face?
So to answer my own question... yes I do believe in equality. However, I do not believe in absolute equality. I believe that equality should be promoted in certain areas, such as equal access but not in terms of income.
As a side note.... this whole debate isn't even really mine. So Adam... this one's for you. Wanted to give you something to think about. :o) In a philosophical debate I would rather discuss morality, ethics or logic. So the debate I had about absolute truth was more my style.
If it had to be black or white, an all or nothing situation then I would have to argue against equality. In a capitalist society there can never be a true equality. It is not my political views that would have me argue against equality. In terms of equality in regards to income my issue is not that everyone be equalized... but that the poor have enough to make a decent life.
There are three equalities from a political standpoint.
- Equal rights
- Equal opportunities
- Equality before the law
In terms of equal opportunities I do not believe in affirmative action. I do believe that we should have equal access to health, education, employment and social welfare. On that note it would be good if education was sponsored by the government. But that is just my thought.
Equality of law means that when a law is created every person is to be treated equally under the law.
I guess the only one I have a problem with is the idea of equal income distribution. I do not believe that socialism is the answer and I enjoy having the individual freedoms. But any attempt to create equality will undoubtedly challenge those freedoms. Sometimes it is necessary to sacrifice the individual for the good of the whole.
Culture, religion, lifestyle, feelings – these are all aspects of our private lives and should be of no concern to the state or other public authorities. Yet governments in the West pour public money into what should be private, to separate and divide people even more. A truly plural society would be one in which citizens have full freedom to pursue their different values or practices in private, while in the public sphere all citizens would be treated as equals whatever the differences in their private lives. Today, however, pluralism has come to mean the very opposite. The right to practise a particular religion, speak a particular language, follow a particular cultural practice is seen as a public good rather than a private freedom. Different interest groups demand to have their ‘differences’ institutionalised in the public sphere.
If culture, religion and lifestyle were private and were part of individual rights there would likely be more equality in society. The problem is that all of these issues have now been on display in the public arena with each group wanting more rights. How about each group be treated equally so that we do not need special interest groups, all talking of the injustices they face?
So to answer my own question... yes I do believe in equality. However, I do not believe in absolute equality. I believe that equality should be promoted in certain areas, such as equal access but not in terms of income.
As a side note.... this whole debate isn't even really mine. So Adam... this one's for you. Wanted to give you something to think about. :o) In a philosophical debate I would rather discuss morality, ethics or logic. So the debate I had about absolute truth was more my style.
Capitalism
There are 2 definitions of capitalism.
The most common definition is "An economic system in which the means of production and distribution are privately or corporately owned and development is proportionate to the accumulation and reinvestment of profits gained in a free market."
From political/philosophical point of view the definition is “Capitalism is a social system based on the principle of individual rights.”
My goal is not to debate the finer points of socialism vs capitalism.... Suffice to say that capitalism creates a social hierarchy of classes and in doing so breeds inequality. Usually we divide society into three distinct groups: Upper class, Middle class, and Lower class. The dividing line is typically economics. Classes can also be divided among other lines as well. But in separating people into groups we automatically create dividing lines and reinforce the inequality.
So the debate on equality centers around the debate on the rights of the individual vs the rights of the group. True equality ignores the rights of the individual and focuses solely on the rights of the group.
In any society there is a natural tension between the interests of individuals and the interest of the group as a whole. There is a conflict between what individuals want and what serves their interests and what is needed for the welfare, safety and security of the entire group. Government needs to moderate that conflict. Depending on the type of view that is operative concerning the nature of the social arrangement and the nature of government, the conflict will be resolved in favor of one or the other sets of interests.
The most common definition is "An economic system in which the means of production and distribution are privately or corporately owned and development is proportionate to the accumulation and reinvestment of profits gained in a free market."
From political/philosophical point of view the definition is “Capitalism is a social system based on the principle of individual rights.”
My goal is not to debate the finer points of socialism vs capitalism.... Suffice to say that capitalism creates a social hierarchy of classes and in doing so breeds inequality. Usually we divide society into three distinct groups: Upper class, Middle class, and Lower class. The dividing line is typically economics. Classes can also be divided among other lines as well. But in separating people into groups we automatically create dividing lines and reinforce the inequality.
So the debate on equality centers around the debate on the rights of the individual vs the rights of the group. True equality ignores the rights of the individual and focuses solely on the rights of the group.
In any society there is a natural tension between the interests of individuals and the interest of the group as a whole. There is a conflict between what individuals want and what serves their interests and what is needed for the welfare, safety and security of the entire group. Government needs to moderate that conflict. Depending on the type of view that is operative concerning the nature of the social arrangement and the nature of government, the conflict will be resolved in favor of one or the other sets of interests.
Challenges Faced by Socialism/Egalitarianism
Is the equality of rights even a good thing? Do people even want it? People, being individual, have different wants and needs. The group mentality would then be forced onto the individual. How is this beneficial?
The most important issue is whether equality of results is practical. History shows that it is completely impractical. The only thing that equality of results has accomplished where it has been implemented is to spread poverty and famine. It has never raised the living standards of those it claimed to benefit, but has only lowered them. As has been noted by many – “capitalism is the uneven distribution of wealth, and socialism the even distribution of poverty.”
Egalitarians have confused the meaning of Jefferson ’s “all men are created equal.” While this is one of the most important concepts in the Declaration of Independence , it has nothing to do with equality of results. Obviously, it can not mean people are identical. Nature creates us as individuals, all with different talents, characteristics, and desires. All it can mean is that all people have equal liberty, and an individual should have the complete freedom to choose how he or she wants to live. Egalitarianism is actually at odds with this concept, and would try to force individuals to accept the dictates of the masses.
Is it really equality that we are after? At first glance, equality seems to be a noble ideal and one that should be pursued. Take the gap in incomes for instance. We believe in equality when one person is earning $20,000 and another is earning $100,000. Do we feel as strongly when one person is earning $1,000,000 and the other is earling $100,000? Perhaps the problem is not that the poor have less than the rich, but rather that the poor do not have enough--a sufficient level of resources to provide a good life or a reasonable prospect of a good life. The suggestion then is that sufficiency not equality is what per se matters. How one's condition compares to the situation of other people is not important in itself. What is morally important is that people have enough to bring them over the threshold of decent life prospects.
The most important issue is whether equality of results is practical. History shows that it is completely impractical. The only thing that equality of results has accomplished where it has been implemented is to spread poverty and famine. It has never raised the living standards of those it claimed to benefit, but has only lowered them. As has been noted by many – “capitalism is the uneven distribution of wealth, and socialism the even distribution of poverty.”
Egalitarians have confused the meaning of
Is it really equality that we are after? At first glance, equality seems to be a noble ideal and one that should be pursued. Take the gap in incomes for instance. We believe in equality when one person is earning $20,000 and another is earning $100,000. Do we feel as strongly when one person is earning $1,000,000 and the other is earling $100,000?
Sunday, June 11, 2006
Egalitarianism
The definition of egalitarianism is:
1 : a belief in human equality especially with respect to social, political, and economic rights and privileges
2 : a social philosophy advocating the removal of inequalities among people
The egalitarian doctrine indicates that human are equal in fundamental worth or moral status. Equal opportunities in this school of thought means that a job offer is made to the person with the most merit, not based on sex, religion, or status.
Egalitarians also support an equality of wealth and income. This is undoubtedly one of the biggest obstacles to equality. This involves restricting our liberty. Some restrictions of liberty are worth their cost and equality may be one of these values that are strong enough to agree to a loss of freedom. It may be a compromise, trading in the individual freedom to earn money to better society. In this respect, it has the same view as socialism.
Even egalitarianists have to face the issue of how to determine which groups should be equalized. Is it determined by people in the same age bracket... or that it should be everyone is completely equal? Is the equalization global? But again, the egalitarian school of thought seems to be a utopia... the perfect world and not something that is ever achieveble.
1 : a belief in human equality especially with respect to social, political, and economic rights and privileges
2 : a social philosophy advocating the removal of inequalities among people
The egalitarian doctrine indicates that human are equal in fundamental worth or moral status. Equal opportunities in this school of thought means that a job offer is made to the person with the most merit, not based on sex, religion, or status.
Egalitarians also support an equality of wealth and income. This is undoubtedly one of the biggest obstacles to equality. This involves restricting our liberty. Some restrictions of liberty are worth their cost and equality may be one of these values that are strong enough to agree to a loss of freedom. It may be a compromise, trading in the individual freedom to earn money to better society. In this respect, it has the same view as socialism.
Even egalitarianists have to face the issue of how to determine which groups should be equalized. Is it determined by people in the same age bracket... or that it should be everyone is completely equal? Is the equalization global? But again, the egalitarian school of thought seems to be a utopia... the perfect world and not something that is ever achieveble.
Socialism
The biggest proponent for an equal society would have to be socialists. According to Marx, socialism is the transition between capitalism and communism. One of Marx' famous quotes is "from each according to his abilities, to each according to his needs". If that's not equality I don't know what is.
According to newyouth.com...
"For Marxists, socialism is a transitional phase between the exploitative capitalist system of private property of the means of production, and the classless society of communism, where there is no longer a state in the proper sense of the word, no compulsion to work, no national borders, etc.
But obviously for someone that follows Marx and believes in socialism then the goal should be equality for all and they would also argue that inequalities are a product of a capitalist society.
According to newyouth.com...
"For Marxists, socialism is a transitional phase between the exploitative capitalist system of private property of the means of production, and the classless society of communism, where there is no longer a state in the proper sense of the word, no compulsion to work, no national borders, etc.
Under capitalism, society is governed by a handful of rich elites who exploit the working class in order to extract profits. They are not concerned with what or how they produce commodities, as long as these bring them a profit. They have developed the state - bodies of armed men; the laws, courts, prisons, military, police - in order to preserve their privileged position. Under communism, the whole of society will be the "owners" of the means of production, and will produce in the interests of all people in harmony with the environment. But between these two phases of human social development lies the transitional period of socialism."
We can all conjure up images of Communist countries, like Russia was, and China, among others. When we compare them to our own societies they aren't as appealing. But that is a far cry from the communist society that Marx had envisioned. Marx felt that individualism would flourish. Socialism would be a place without borders or frontiers. The economy would be strong and all of our needs would be met. Doesn't sound bad at all... except maybe for the rich upper class in our society. But it is also a utopian ideal.But obviously for someone that follows Marx and believes in socialism then the goal should be equality for all and they would also argue that inequalities are a product of a capitalist society.
Truth: An Absolute or Just Relative?
I know I am deviating at the moment from the debate of equality/diversity and inequality.... but in almost any philosophical debate the question of truth arises.
Truth is definied as:
If truth is relative does that mean that the debate over equality/diversity is reduced to the political and social arena? Or does it even matter? Do we need some idea of truth as the basis for everything else?
Say there is no such thing as truth. Truth is just a construct and it is all relative. Then what I believe to be true someone else may believe is false. Take the statement "There is inequality in the world today." Is that statement true or false? Depends on whether or not truth is an absolute or is relative. If it's relative then the validity of that statement depends on politics, society, even time. We assume that equality is the ideal but that inequality is unavoidable. Without some absolute standard the reverse could also be true.
Take the statement, "There is no such thing as truth." If you assume that a statement is either true or false then there are two conclusions. 1. It is true and there is no such thing as truth (which would actually make it an absolute truth) or 2. It is false and truth exists. Believers in absolute truth use theis example as a proof that truth is absolute. But... it is possible that this is the only absolute truth. Is there anything else that we can unequivocally say is true? Everything we believe to be true is based on our value system and our beliefs. Try and think of something that is absolutely true. Yes there are things we take for granted but that does not necessarily make them true. Most people that argue for the absoluteness of truth use it as a proof that God exists. But there is no way to prove the existence of God. God is about beliefs, faith, and a religious doctrine... and not about truth. But you likewise cannot disprove the existence of God with that logic.
If you strip away truth and determine that it is in fact relative then you are left with an undeniable fact. That morality is also relative. It is dependant on our own world view and our culture. Equality is a human construct and as such, it is up to the society to determine which is more important, the rights of the society or the rights of the individual.
Going back to the idea of truth, Nietzsche believed that truth was in the eye of the beholder. He argued that society has certain "values" which it calls truth. It is also how we establish the norm and establish right and wrong. "There is an old illusion, it's called good and evil."
Nietzsche is most famous for saying that "God is dead" comment that has sparked religious debates and outrage. But here is the actual quote:
Have you not heard of that madman who lit a lantern in the bright morning hours, ran to the market-place, and cried incessantly: "I am looking for God! I am looking for God!"
As many of those who did not believe in God were standing together there, he excited considerable laughter. Have you lost him, then? said one. Did he lose his way like a child? said another. Or is he hiding? Is he afraid of us? Has he gone on a voyage? or emigrated? Thus they shouted and laughed. The madman sprang into their midst and pierced them with his glances.
"Where has God gone?" he cried. "I shall tell you. We have killed him - you and I. We are his murderers. But how have we done this? How were we able to drink up the sea? Who gave us the sponge to wipe away the entire horizon? What did we do when we unchained the earth from its sun? Whither is it moving now? Whither are we moving now? Away from all suns? Are we not perpetually falling? Backward, sideward, forward, in all directions? Is there any up or down left? Are we not straying as through an infinite nothing? Do we not feel the breath of empty space? Has it not become colder? Is it not more and more night coming on all the time? Must not lanterns be lit in the morning? Do we not hear anything yet of the noise of the gravediggers who are burying God? Do we not smell anything yet of God's decomposition? Gods too decompose. God is dead. God remains dead. And we have killed him. How shall we, murderers of all murderers, console ourselves? That which was the holiest and mightiest of all that the world has yet possessed has bled to death under our knives. Who will wipe this blood off us? With what water could we purify ourselves? What festivals of atonement, what sacred games shall we need to invent? Is not the greatness of this deed too great for us? Must we not ourselves become gods simply to be worthy of it? There has never been a greater deed; and whosoever shall be born after us - for the sake of this deed he shall be part of a higher history than all history hitherto."
Here the madman fell silent and again regarded his listeners; and they too were silent and stared at him in astonishment. At last he threw his lantern to the ground, and it broke and went out. "I have come too early," he said then; "my time has not come yet. The tremendous event is still on its way, still travelling - it has not yet reached the ears of men. Lightning and thunder require time, the light of the stars requires time, deeds require time even after they are done, before they can be seen and heard. This deed is still more distant from them than the distant stars - and yet they have done it themselves."
It has been further related that on that same day the madman entered divers churches and there sang a requiem. Led out and quietened, he is said to have retorted each time: "what are these churches now if they are not the tombs and sepulchres of God?"
Nietzsche's point was that in the hearts of modern (wo)men God is dead, having been killed by rationalism and science. Prior to his death, however, he defined cultural beliefs and our system of morality. If God is dead and we accept his death then our standards of morality go with it.
With moral relativism what is considered moral can change and there is no absolute standard of right/wrong. Take murder for example. We assume that it is an absolute and cannot fathom that it could ever be considered acceptable. Now we make exceptions to this rule: Self-Defense, Insanity, War, Martyrdom, Accidental deaths, etc. But even if you ignore that murder has been considered acceptable in certain cultures. At one point Eskimoes engaged in infanticide and would kill off elders since they were no longer able to contribute but were still consuming resources. Who are we to judge these societies?
Now back to the question of equality and diversity. If there is no absolute truth and no moral standard then how can I possibly judge something to be equal or even inequal? That's all assuming, of course, that truth is not absolute and therefore, neither is morality. If there are absolutes and this is what we are governed by then the notion of equality is fair and desirable.
Since the debate between absoulte truth and relativism is a heated debate and the topic of much discussion I am going to leave it alone and focus on the debate as to whether or not we should be aiming for equality.
Truth is definied as:
- Conformity to fact or actuality.
- A statement proven to be or accepted as true.
- Sincerity; integrity.
- Fidelity to an original or standard.
-
- Reality; actuality.
- often Truth That which is considered to be the supreme reality and to have the ultimate meaning and value of existence.
If truth is relative does that mean that the debate over equality/diversity is reduced to the political and social arena? Or does it even matter? Do we need some idea of truth as the basis for everything else?
Say there is no such thing as truth. Truth is just a construct and it is all relative. Then what I believe to be true someone else may believe is false. Take the statement "There is inequality in the world today." Is that statement true or false? Depends on whether or not truth is an absolute or is relative. If it's relative then the validity of that statement depends on politics, society, even time. We assume that equality is the ideal but that inequality is unavoidable. Without some absolute standard the reverse could also be true.
Take the statement, "There is no such thing as truth." If you assume that a statement is either true or false then there are two conclusions. 1. It is true and there is no such thing as truth (which would actually make it an absolute truth) or 2. It is false and truth exists. Believers in absolute truth use theis example as a proof that truth is absolute. But... it is possible that this is the only absolute truth. Is there anything else that we can unequivocally say is true? Everything we believe to be true is based on our value system and our beliefs. Try and think of something that is absolutely true. Yes there are things we take for granted but that does not necessarily make them true. Most people that argue for the absoluteness of truth use it as a proof that God exists. But there is no way to prove the existence of God. God is about beliefs, faith, and a religious doctrine... and not about truth. But you likewise cannot disprove the existence of God with that logic.
If you strip away truth and determine that it is in fact relative then you are left with an undeniable fact. That morality is also relative. It is dependant on our own world view and our culture. Equality is a human construct and as such, it is up to the society to determine which is more important, the rights of the society or the rights of the individual.
Going back to the idea of truth, Nietzsche believed that truth was in the eye of the beholder. He argued that society has certain "values" which it calls truth. It is also how we establish the norm and establish right and wrong. "There is an old illusion, it's called good and evil."
Nietzsche is most famous for saying that "God is dead" comment that has sparked religious debates and outrage. But here is the actual quote:
Have you not heard of that madman who lit a lantern in the bright morning hours, ran to the market-place, and cried incessantly: "I am looking for God! I am looking for God!"
As many of those who did not believe in God were standing together there, he excited considerable laughter. Have you lost him, then? said one. Did he lose his way like a child? said another. Or is he hiding? Is he afraid of us? Has he gone on a voyage? or emigrated? Thus they shouted and laughed. The madman sprang into their midst and pierced them with his glances.
"Where has God gone?" he cried. "I shall tell you. We have killed him - you and I. We are his murderers. But how have we done this? How were we able to drink up the sea? Who gave us the sponge to wipe away the entire horizon? What did we do when we unchained the earth from its sun? Whither is it moving now? Whither are we moving now? Away from all suns? Are we not perpetually falling? Backward, sideward, forward, in all directions? Is there any up or down left? Are we not straying as through an infinite nothing? Do we not feel the breath of empty space? Has it not become colder? Is it not more and more night coming on all the time? Must not lanterns be lit in the morning? Do we not hear anything yet of the noise of the gravediggers who are burying God? Do we not smell anything yet of God's decomposition? Gods too decompose. God is dead. God remains dead. And we have killed him. How shall we, murderers of all murderers, console ourselves? That which was the holiest and mightiest of all that the world has yet possessed has bled to death under our knives. Who will wipe this blood off us? With what water could we purify ourselves? What festivals of atonement, what sacred games shall we need to invent? Is not the greatness of this deed too great for us? Must we not ourselves become gods simply to be worthy of it? There has never been a greater deed; and whosoever shall be born after us - for the sake of this deed he shall be part of a higher history than all history hitherto."
Here the madman fell silent and again regarded his listeners; and they too were silent and stared at him in astonishment. At last he threw his lantern to the ground, and it broke and went out. "I have come too early," he said then; "my time has not come yet. The tremendous event is still on its way, still travelling - it has not yet reached the ears of men. Lightning and thunder require time, the light of the stars requires time, deeds require time even after they are done, before they can be seen and heard. This deed is still more distant from them than the distant stars - and yet they have done it themselves."
It has been further related that on that same day the madman entered divers churches and there sang a requiem. Led out and quietened, he is said to have retorted each time: "what are these churches now if they are not the tombs and sepulchres of God?"
Nietzsche's point was that in the hearts of modern (wo)men God is dead, having been killed by rationalism and science. Prior to his death, however, he defined cultural beliefs and our system of morality. If God is dead and we accept his death then our standards of morality go with it.
With moral relativism what is considered moral can change and there is no absolute standard of right/wrong. Take murder for example. We assume that it is an absolute and cannot fathom that it could ever be considered acceptable. Now we make exceptions to this rule: Self-Defense, Insanity, War, Martyrdom, Accidental deaths, etc. But even if you ignore that murder has been considered acceptable in certain cultures. At one point Eskimoes engaged in infanticide and would kill off elders since they were no longer able to contribute but were still consuming resources. Who are we to judge these societies?
Now back to the question of equality and diversity. If there is no absolute truth and no moral standard then how can I possibly judge something to be equal or even inequal? That's all assuming, of course, that truth is not absolute and therefore, neither is morality. If there are absolutes and this is what we are governed by then the notion of equality is fair and desirable.
Since the debate between absoulte truth and relativism is a heated debate and the topic of much discussion I am going to leave it alone and focus on the debate as to whether or not we should be aiming for equality.
Diversity vs Equality
Just to muddy the waters even further...
According to the dictionary, diversity is defined as, "1a. The fact or quality of being diverse; difference. b. A point or respect in which things differ. 2. Variety or multiformity."
Or as the person who indvertently started the debate said, "Diversity means recognizing people's differences while still treating them the same."
According to the dictionary, equality is defined as, "1. The state or quality of being equal."
Or as Sherry said, "Equality means treating everyone the same."
Whenever I do any type of search on the subject the articles seem to be including both, as though they are the same thing. I'm sure some people are now saying what's the big deal? They both mean treating people the same. Or, don't the words mean virtually the same thing? In reality they are miles apart even though they seem pretty similar. In one instance you are not recognizing them as individuals and in the other you acknowledge the fact we are not all the same.
The U.S. seems to promote equality, with the melting pot and the identity focuses on being a US citizen. Canada, on the other hand, promotes diversity. Canada recognizes the notion that people are unique and have their own beliefs. People aren't going to fit into a cookie cutter mold. Differences can stem on many fronts: Race, Religion, Sex, Culture, Physical & Mental Disabilities, even Sexual Orientation.
Is it possible to strive for diversity or would it be reduced to equality? Can we actually recognize the differences while still treating people the same? Let's take apples for example.
Both of these are apples. They have different tastes and are better suited for different tasks. But once we start looking at their differences are they still being treated the same? Or are we now showing preferential treatment for one? In the same vein, we can consider everyone as being equal on the basis that they are human but once you start adding in the differences this becomes the basis for exclusion or discrimination.
A good example is the recent anti-smoking law that just came into effect. No smoking in public places. Bars can no longer allow smoking on the patio or have an enclosed room for smokers. Non smokers are undoubtedly cheering the news and think it's been a long time coming. There has even been pressure not to allow smoking in an apartment. But what happened to the rights of a smoker? I'm not saying the law is entirely bad and it will undoubtedly have health benfits for people that are around smokers. But... why did the law also make a bar remove the enclosed area? Logic would say that if non smokers go in there then they are making their own choices. Instead we are now discriminating against smokers.... while the government continues to make a profit off them, and have increased the taxes on cigarettes 3x since the liberals came into power in Ontario.
Another good example is the right to marry and the right to adopt children. Undoubtedly some people are now saying that is a constitutionally protected right so what's the problem? Yes you do have that right, as long as you are heterosexual. Homosexuals are routinely denied the same rights the heterosexual community has always enjoyed. The argument against it seems to stem from the lifestyle and people's views over it. But why should they not have the same right simply because they are a member of society and this was their choice? Let's say a couple is together for 10 years and then one of them dies on the job. If they were heterosexual then the other person would get the benefits. If they were homosexual, on the other hand, they would not. How many jobs include medical or dental benefits? Since the homosexual relationship is not recognized they do not receive the benefits if their partner has them. I'm not trying to start a debate over the behaviour. That isn't the point. The point is that we discriminate againt them on a daily basis and most people don't even acknowledge it. In fact, most people probably say they are accepting and support equality... but do we really? A conservative government was voted in... and part of their platform was that they would re-examine the rights of gays to marry. Since I already know the debate that is coming from my views. Let's go back to the Bible for some insight. According to Luke 6:37-38, "Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. 38Give, and it will be given to you." Or Luke 6:41-42, "1"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 42How can you say to your brother, 'Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,' when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye." Or how about John 8:7, "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." Enough said on that one.
Non smokers are not treated the same as smokers. There is a certain inequality there. And who decided that the right to smoke should be denied in a social setting? I may have quit smoking but that doesn't mean that I don't believe they are now being marginalized. There is definitely an inequality between heterosexuals and homosexuals right down to the rights one has. A lot of the debate comes back to the rights of the individual compared to the rights of the group. Diversity would say that each person should be given the same rights while still recognizing the differences. How do you treat a nonsmoker and a smoker the same? How do you give them equal rights? Since one group wants smoking outlawed and the other wants the freedom to continue smoking if they so desire. Is there any common ground between the two groups? Okay I guess the workplace has been a compromise... I have no problem with not being able to smoke on the job. Okay so that wasn't really a compromise any ways... The non smokers won. If the new laws had been fair and not aimed at discrimination then diversity might have been a little more evident. For instance, banning smoking at restaurants and bars but allowing them to have an enclosed room where people could go to smoke. Then they would not be ostrisized and would be treated fairly.
A stereotype is defined as: "
Our entire social system is based on categories and hierarchies. We stereotype people so that we do not have to overwhelm ourselves with thinking of everyone we come across as a unique individual. So can we recognize differences and still treat people the same? From the minute that we begin to acknowledge all of the things the set two people apart it becomes exceedingly difficult to treat them the same. Again this debate largely stems around a utopian society since in a free society it is unlikely that people would be willing to trade in their personal freedoms for equality.
Now back to the question I asked yesterday.... should we focus on the hierarchical nature of society and accept that people are not equal... or should we work towards an emphasis on diversity and treating everyone the same? If we look towards diversity does it have to be an absolute, an all or nothing proposition? Or will that only lead us towards the Big Brother society of Orwell's "1984"? If it's not all or nothing... then should we be focusing the energy on reducing inequality in all areas? or just eliminating inequality in certain areas? I'll leave you, for now to ponder those ideas.
According to the dictionary, diversity is defined as, "1a. The fact or quality of being diverse; difference. b. A point or respect in which things differ. 2. Variety or multiformity."
Or as the person who indvertently started the debate said, "Diversity means recognizing people's differences while still treating them the same."
According to the dictionary, equality is defined as, "1. The state or quality of being equal."
Or as Sherry said, "Equality means treating everyone the same."
Whenever I do any type of search on the subject the articles seem to be including both, as though they are the same thing. I'm sure some people are now saying what's the big deal? They both mean treating people the same. Or, don't the words mean virtually the same thing? In reality they are miles apart even though they seem pretty similar. In one instance you are not recognizing them as individuals and in the other you acknowledge the fact we are not all the same.
The U.S. seems to promote equality, with the melting pot and the identity focuses on being a US citizen. Canada, on the other hand, promotes diversity. Canada recognizes the notion that people are unique and have their own beliefs. People aren't going to fit into a cookie cutter mold. Differences can stem on many fronts: Race, Religion, Sex, Culture, Physical & Mental Disabilities, even Sexual Orientation.
Is it possible to strive for diversity or would it be reduced to equality? Can we actually recognize the differences while still treating people the same? Let's take apples for example.
| Red | Green |
| Sweet | Sour |
| Eating | Cooking |
Both of these are apples. They have different tastes and are better suited for different tasks. But once we start looking at their differences are they still being treated the same? Or are we now showing preferential treatment for one? In the same vein, we can consider everyone as being equal on the basis that they are human but once you start adding in the differences this becomes the basis for exclusion or discrimination.
A good example is the recent anti-smoking law that just came into effect. No smoking in public places. Bars can no longer allow smoking on the patio or have an enclosed room for smokers. Non smokers are undoubtedly cheering the news and think it's been a long time coming. There has even been pressure not to allow smoking in an apartment. But what happened to the rights of a smoker? I'm not saying the law is entirely bad and it will undoubtedly have health benfits for people that are around smokers. But... why did the law also make a bar remove the enclosed area? Logic would say that if non smokers go in there then they are making their own choices. Instead we are now discriminating against smokers.... while the government continues to make a profit off them, and have increased the taxes on cigarettes 3x since the liberals came into power in Ontario.
Another good example is the right to marry and the right to adopt children. Undoubtedly some people are now saying that is a constitutionally protected right so what's the problem? Yes you do have that right, as long as you are heterosexual. Homosexuals are routinely denied the same rights the heterosexual community has always enjoyed. The argument against it seems to stem from the lifestyle and people's views over it. But why should they not have the same right simply because they are a member of society and this was their choice? Let's say a couple is together for 10 years and then one of them dies on the job. If they were heterosexual then the other person would get the benefits. If they were homosexual, on the other hand, they would not. How many jobs include medical or dental benefits? Since the homosexual relationship is not recognized they do not receive the benefits if their partner has them. I'm not trying to start a debate over the behaviour. That isn't the point. The point is that we discriminate againt them on a daily basis and most people don't even acknowledge it. In fact, most people probably say they are accepting and support equality... but do we really? A conservative government was voted in... and part of their platform was that they would re-examine the rights of gays to marry. Since I already know the debate that is coming from my views. Let's go back to the Bible for some insight. According to Luke 6:37-38, "Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. 38Give, and it will be given to you." Or Luke 6:41-42, "1"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 42How can you say to your brother, 'Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,' when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye." Or how about John 8:7, "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." Enough said on that one.
Non smokers are not treated the same as smokers. There is a certain inequality there. And who decided that the right to smoke should be denied in a social setting? I may have quit smoking but that doesn't mean that I don't believe they are now being marginalized. There is definitely an inequality between heterosexuals and homosexuals right down to the rights one has. A lot of the debate comes back to the rights of the individual compared to the rights of the group. Diversity would say that each person should be given the same rights while still recognizing the differences. How do you treat a nonsmoker and a smoker the same? How do you give them equal rights? Since one group wants smoking outlawed and the other wants the freedom to continue smoking if they so desire. Is there any common ground between the two groups? Okay I guess the workplace has been a compromise... I have no problem with not being able to smoke on the job. Okay so that wasn't really a compromise any ways... The non smokers won. If the new laws had been fair and not aimed at discrimination then diversity might have been a little more evident. For instance, banning smoking at restaurants and bars but allowing them to have an enclosed room where people could go to smoke. Then they would not be ostrisized and would be treated fairly.
A stereotype is defined as: "
- A conventional, formulaic, and oversimplified conception, opinion, or image.
- One that is regarded as embodying or conforming to a set image or type."
- To make a stereotype of.
- To characterize by a stereotype: "Elderly Americans are the neglected sector of the fashion industry, stereotyped by blue hair and polyester pantsuits" (American Demographics).
- To give a fixed, unvarying form to.
Our entire social system is based on categories and hierarchies. We stereotype people so that we do not have to overwhelm ourselves with thinking of everyone we come across as a unique individual. So can we recognize differences and still treat people the same? From the minute that we begin to acknowledge all of the things the set two people apart it becomes exceedingly difficult to treat them the same. Again this debate largely stems around a utopian society since in a free society it is unlikely that people would be willing to trade in their personal freedoms for equality.
Now back to the question I asked yesterday.... should we focus on the hierarchical nature of society and accept that people are not equal... or should we work towards an emphasis on diversity and treating everyone the same? If we look towards diversity does it have to be an absolute, an all or nothing proposition? Or will that only lead us towards the Big Brother society of Orwell's "1984"? If it's not all or nothing... then should we be focusing the energy on reducing inequality in all areas? or just eliminating inequality in certain areas? I'll leave you, for now to ponder those ideas.
Saturday, June 10, 2006
Notion of Equality
Aristotle wrote of being a "tabula rasa" or blank slate at birth. If you follow this then it would mean that genes do not account for anything and knowledge is developed from life experiences and sensory perceptions. I guess Aristotle took the side of nurture in the nature/nurture debate. I believe there is a mix of genetic predisposition and then cultural experiences. We don't live in a vacuum. But the brain is pre-programmed for certain emotional responses. Take the pain experience for example. While everyone feels it differently we still recognize it as pain and it hurts. Our mind tells us it's not pleasurable (well okay I do have to make the exception of sado-masochism). Yes that could be a cultural response but with classic conditioning would it ever be possible to associate pain with happiness? Not that I propose that study ever be conducted since it would be unethical. Watson also believed in the notion of a tabula rasa and stated that if he had 20 infants he could create who they would become (thieves, doctors, etc.). Now what does the idea of a blank slate mean for equality? If we start out as a blank slate then everyone would be equal from the beginning. But even if you do state that everyone is a blank slate at birth will they remain that way? Will equality continue throughout time? To use an extreme example, two children are born on the same day. One is born to a judge and the other to a crack addict. Will these children be the same? Yes they are both equal at birth in the sense that they are both infants and both human. But their worlds will undoubtedly be shaped very differently so how can there be equality?
In a political sense the idea of equality encompasses three things.
Equal opportunities.... I did a google search and really all I got were web sites on affirmative action. According to Wikipedia, "Equal Opportunity is a descriptive term for an approach intended to give equal access to an environment or benefits, such as education, employment, health care, or social welfare to all, often with emphasis on members of various social groups who historically suffered from discrimination. Some protected groups include gender, race, or religion. Equal opportunity practices include an organizations' implementation of personnel practices to ensure equality in the employment process. Equal opportunity also applies to equality in housing and public accommodations.In developing countries, equal opportunity is provided by creating jobs accessible to poor people. Economic studies suggest that this is achieved by reducing barriers to entry and allowing entrepreneurial activity."
Now, how exactly is that equal opportunity? Okay, I understand the idea that we are supposed to have equal access but then that is followed by an emphasis on the disenfranchised in society? So now the white guy is screwed for a job and is discriminated against because he's not part of the minority. How exactly is that better? As you can tell, I am not a fan of this type of policy.
Another example of how equal opportunity falls short is in the access to health care. Let's go back to the homeless guy. Or even employment. Is he as likely to get medical care from a family physician? Or even from a hospital? Whereas I can go see my family doctor if needed and can call for help. Let's say we both have a degree in psychology and apply for the same job. We have the same qualifications (it could actually be argued he has more in the way of life experience) but who is more likely to get that job? I am. If you follow the logic of equal opportunity then would it not be discrimination to show preference for someone with a university degree over someone who simply has life experience? While both people are able to apply (equal opportunity at work) it has already been pre-determined that the person with the degree will get the job.
When it comes to equal opportunity is there such a thing when it comes to education? Post-secondary education is not publicly funded and few can afford it without a loan. There is a huge disparity in who goes on to get a degree. Not to mention the cost of paying it back. When I finished school my loan was $54,000 (I think) and then there is the interest on top of that. Since it is education and relates to the betterment of society then why do we have to pay interest on the loan? Because it's the government. And they make it incredibly difficult to get interest relief. But that was a bit of a tangent there. The point is that we do not have equal access to post-secondary education.
Equality before the law means that when a law is made every person is to be treated equally. Equal protection of the law means that when a law is applied or is enforced then there should not be any differentiation except where it is rational and justifiable. The courts have admitted that is impossible to treat everyone equally. In this context equality has come to mean that if two people in the exact same situation should be treated equally. But it is also very difficult for situations to be identical.
As taken from the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms:
Equality can also be looked at from a political, social or economic viewpoint. In politics there is the charter of rights and freedoms as mentioned previously. And, of course, the goverment wants us to believe that everything is equal and that the justice system is fair.
Economically it is easy to see that we are not all equal. For things to truly be equal there would need to be a redistribution of wealth. In a capitalist society this will never happen. And if wealth is taken from the rich and given to the poor then it inhibits personal freedom. What would the incentive be to work hard if that was the case? You won't get ahead in the long run. So society would actually become poorer if we tried to make things equal.
Taken at it's simplest equality is treating everyone the same. Within any culture is this ever possible? A corporate executive that steals from the company will get less prison time (if they get any at all) then the person that robs a bank. Why are the courts more lenient on white collar crime? The societal notion of equality is related to equal access to education, employment, and social services. As already mentioned this doesn't happen.
Equality is a lofty goal that does not appear to be attainable. But does that mean we shouldn't strive for equality? Philosophers use logic and reason to construct beliefs and then attempt to prove them. I guess the question would actually be "Is equality a noble ideal and something we should work towards or should we simply acknowledge the inequalities in society and continue on with the hierarchy of power?"
To be continued...
In a political sense the idea of equality encompasses three things.
- Equal Rights
- Equal opportunities
- Equlity before the law
Equal opportunities.... I did a google search and really all I got were web sites on affirmative action. According to Wikipedia, "Equal Opportunity is a descriptive term for an approach intended to give equal access to an environment or benefits, such as education, employment, health care, or social welfare to all, often with emphasis on members of various social groups who historically suffered from discrimination. Some protected groups include gender, race, or religion. Equal opportunity practices include an organizations' implementation of personnel practices to ensure equality in the employment process. Equal opportunity also applies to equality in housing and public accommodations.In developing countries, equal opportunity is provided by creating jobs accessible to poor people. Economic studies suggest that this is achieved by reducing barriers to entry and allowing entrepreneurial activity."
Now, how exactly is that equal opportunity? Okay, I understand the idea that we are supposed to have equal access but then that is followed by an emphasis on the disenfranchised in society? So now the white guy is screwed for a job and is discriminated against because he's not part of the minority. How exactly is that better? As you can tell, I am not a fan of this type of policy.
Another example of how equal opportunity falls short is in the access to health care. Let's go back to the homeless guy. Or even employment. Is he as likely to get medical care from a family physician? Or even from a hospital? Whereas I can go see my family doctor if needed and can call for help. Let's say we both have a degree in psychology and apply for the same job. We have the same qualifications (it could actually be argued he has more in the way of life experience) but who is more likely to get that job? I am. If you follow the logic of equal opportunity then would it not be discrimination to show preference for someone with a university degree over someone who simply has life experience? While both people are able to apply (equal opportunity at work) it has already been pre-determined that the person with the degree will get the job.
When it comes to equal opportunity is there such a thing when it comes to education? Post-secondary education is not publicly funded and few can afford it without a loan. There is a huge disparity in who goes on to get a degree. Not to mention the cost of paying it back. When I finished school my loan was $54,000 (I think) and then there is the interest on top of that. Since it is education and relates to the betterment of society then why do we have to pay interest on the loan? Because it's the government. And they make it incredibly difficult to get interest relief. But that was a bit of a tangent there. The point is that we do not have equal access to post-secondary education.
Equality before the law means that when a law is made every person is to be treated equally. Equal protection of the law means that when a law is applied or is enforced then there should not be any differentiation except where it is rational and justifiable. The courts have admitted that is impossible to treat everyone equally. In this context equality has come to mean that if two people in the exact same situation should be treated equally. But it is also very difficult for situations to be identical.
As taken from the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms:
| Equality before and under law and equal protection and benefit of law | 15. | (1) Every individual is equal before and under the law and has the right to the equal protection and equal benefit of the law without discrimination and, in particular, without discrimination based on race, national or ethnic origin, colour, religion, sex, age or mental or physical disability. |
| Affirmative action programs | (2) Subsection (1) does not preclude any law, program or activity that has as its object the amelioration of conditions of disadvantaged individuals or groups including those that are disadvantaged because of race, national or ethnic origin, colour, religion, sex, age or mental or physical disability. (83) |
Equality can also be looked at from a political, social or economic viewpoint. In politics there is the charter of rights and freedoms as mentioned previously. And, of course, the goverment wants us to believe that everything is equal and that the justice system is fair.
Economically it is easy to see that we are not all equal. For things to truly be equal there would need to be a redistribution of wealth. In a capitalist society this will never happen. And if wealth is taken from the rich and given to the poor then it inhibits personal freedom. What would the incentive be to work hard if that was the case? You won't get ahead in the long run. So society would actually become poorer if we tried to make things equal.
Taken at it's simplest equality is treating everyone the same. Within any culture is this ever possible? A corporate executive that steals from the company will get less prison time (if they get any at all) then the person that robs a bank. Why are the courts more lenient on white collar crime? The societal notion of equality is related to equal access to education, employment, and social services. As already mentioned this doesn't happen.
Equality is a lofty goal that does not appear to be attainable. But does that mean we shouldn't strive for equality? Philosophers use logic and reason to construct beliefs and then attempt to prove them. I guess the question would actually be "Is equality a noble ideal and something we should work towards or should we simply acknowledge the inequalities in society and continue on with the hierarchy of power?"
To be continued...
Bone Marrow Biopsy
This is what I have to look forward to. Then it wil be back to the waiting game and the uncertainty. And so far I don't really like any of the possible answers.
Hiding Behind a Mask
I've come to the conclusion that I don't need to watch soap operas. My life always seems to have enough excitement in it. I suppose the upside is there there is never a dull moment. But some days I would like peace and quiet.
The other day I had someone say I look more relaxed at work. Yes the LOA did some good things for me... it wasn't all good... but it did give me a chance to get some rest. Aside from that it's actually surprising that I look more relaxed. Guess I do a good job, most of the time, of hiding behind a mask. I know we all wear them at times to hide from people or to hide from the truth. For the most part I try to leave everything at home before going to work but that's not always possible. Of course, even when I do show the stress I make it appear like it's related to work. But again that is just a mask. I know I can get the work done... well along with Pat I can any ways. Yes I'd like more time for training but in terms of the mandate it will get done. The truth is (and you'll probably never hear me admit to this again) that I am scared to death. Fear of the unknown.... fear of the consequences.... I am so used to being the strong one... the survivor.... and now that may not be possible. I'm not as strong as I thought I was.
I also feel extremely alone and isolated right now. I know that everyone has been sympathetic to the fact I likely have to have a bone marrow biopsy done and have been trying to tell me it's likely something small. Yes I am comforted by the fact they didn't feel I need emergency treatment but it's a small comfort. And no one really understands what I am going through. I don't look sick so people don't realize what I'm going through. There's the chronic pain from the fibromyalgia. Any idea what it's like waking up in the morning in pain and going to bed still in pain? A life ruled by pain.... but you never look sick. I still look relatively healthy. Add to that 2 years of fatigue. Fatigue that has caused me to completely withdraw from everything. Imagine, for a moment, what it is like to go to work for 8.5 hours, come home and be too tired to cook dinner. It's not like I work in a factory or anything that is labour intensive. In that respect I have a pretty cushy job. Even if I do have the energy to cook I run out of energy while eating. It's a rough place to be. I am still too prideful to admit I need help.
As I have said before I had the bloodwork done in February (or maybe March) from the rheumatologist. They had to repeat the tests. The results came back the same. My white blood cell count and my platelet count were both low. I suspect that when they redid the tests in May my red blood cell count was also low. When they did the first tests I was taking 6x the recommended dose of iron and the results only came back as being normal, not high. My family doctor said they "wanted to check to make sure the bone marrow was still producing blood cells." Now the fact that is even a question is pretty frightening. If it were just one blood line that came up low then it would be more likely that it is a vitamin deficiency or something minor. But it's not. There aren't nearly as many things that cause more then one to be low. I have to go back to the rheumatologist but I have no idea if he got the results from the third test. A month later and the fear has not gone away or lessened any.
If that wasn't enough Adam stopped by with mail today. One of the items was from the cancer research society and it said that 1 in Canadians will be diagnosed with cancer. Now that's inspiring. Definitely not going to reduce the anxiety level and fear with that news. Since as much as I want to deny it that is one of the many possibilities.
And now it's time to put the mask back on. The one that says everything is fine... I'm doing okay... and I am strong. No fear, right?
The other day I had someone say I look more relaxed at work. Yes the LOA did some good things for me... it wasn't all good... but it did give me a chance to get some rest. Aside from that it's actually surprising that I look more relaxed. Guess I do a good job, most of the time, of hiding behind a mask. I know we all wear them at times to hide from people or to hide from the truth. For the most part I try to leave everything at home before going to work but that's not always possible. Of course, even when I do show the stress I make it appear like it's related to work. But again that is just a mask. I know I can get the work done... well along with Pat I can any ways. Yes I'd like more time for training but in terms of the mandate it will get done. The truth is (and you'll probably never hear me admit to this again) that I am scared to death. Fear of the unknown.... fear of the consequences.... I am so used to being the strong one... the survivor.... and now that may not be possible. I'm not as strong as I thought I was.
I also feel extremely alone and isolated right now. I know that everyone has been sympathetic to the fact I likely have to have a bone marrow biopsy done and have been trying to tell me it's likely something small. Yes I am comforted by the fact they didn't feel I need emergency treatment but it's a small comfort. And no one really understands what I am going through. I don't look sick so people don't realize what I'm going through. There's the chronic pain from the fibromyalgia. Any idea what it's like waking up in the morning in pain and going to bed still in pain? A life ruled by pain.... but you never look sick. I still look relatively healthy. Add to that 2 years of fatigue. Fatigue that has caused me to completely withdraw from everything. Imagine, for a moment, what it is like to go to work for 8.5 hours, come home and be too tired to cook dinner. It's not like I work in a factory or anything that is labour intensive. In that respect I have a pretty cushy job. Even if I do have the energy to cook I run out of energy while eating. It's a rough place to be. I am still too prideful to admit I need help.
As I have said before I had the bloodwork done in February (or maybe March) from the rheumatologist. They had to repeat the tests. The results came back the same. My white blood cell count and my platelet count were both low. I suspect that when they redid the tests in May my red blood cell count was also low. When they did the first tests I was taking 6x the recommended dose of iron and the results only came back as being normal, not high. My family doctor said they "wanted to check to make sure the bone marrow was still producing blood cells." Now the fact that is even a question is pretty frightening. If it were just one blood line that came up low then it would be more likely that it is a vitamin deficiency or something minor. But it's not. There aren't nearly as many things that cause more then one to be low. I have to go back to the rheumatologist but I have no idea if he got the results from the third test. A month later and the fear has not gone away or lessened any.
If that wasn't enough Adam stopped by with mail today. One of the items was from the cancer research society and it said that 1 in Canadians will be diagnosed with cancer. Now that's inspiring. Definitely not going to reduce the anxiety level and fear with that news. Since as much as I want to deny it that is one of the many possibilities.
And now it's time to put the mask back on. The one that says everything is fine... I'm doing okay... and I am strong. No fear, right?
Security Blanket
I think almost all of us had a security blanket when we were young. Something that made us feel safe. I didn't have a blanket but I did have my bunny. Mom kept trying to replace him but I always went back to that bunny. Years later I was wondering why I had so many bunny stuffed animals. Eventually the bunny was taken away so I wouldn't destroy it. When I was 15 I found out that they still had my bunny and asked for it back as a birthday present. He's still on my bed. Last night was the first time in years I went looking for that bunny. Since it was dark it was a frantic search. But I needed some type of security... something that was comforting.
Nightmare
The heart may freeze or it can burn
The pain will ease if I can learn
There is no future, there is no past
I live this moment as my last
There's only us, there's only this
Forget regret, or life is yours to miss
No other road, no other way
No day but today
(Rent - Another Day)
The pain will ease if I can learn
There is no future, there is no past
I live this moment as my last
There's only us, there's only this
Forget regret, or life is yours to miss
No other road, no other way
No day but today
(Rent - Another Day)
The first thing I want to say is that not everything in my life is a nightmare. At the moment work is still going remarkably well. Sure there is stress but there will always be stress in the job. If there isn't then you're probably unemployed. Christie is a great team manager. She is really laid back and gives me space to just do my job. But she is also there if I need something. And Pat and I work well together. We both have strong work ethics and keep in mind that it is a common goal. If one person fails we both do. And we've managed to succeed for 2 straight months. Now I am not so crazy about being volun-told to help another team for 10 days next month. That has nothing to do with me not wanting to help... I am just concerned about how it may affect our own mandate. Both Pat and I already have to do 16 aces a week. That's a lot of work. Plus other jobs to do... and still help them out. I'll do my best.
Home life is sort of iffy. Oh I love the apartment and really feel like it's my own space. It's nice to just have me and Azrael and not have to deal with a roommate. So that part is good. But of course I am paying more for rent. Then there was the fire in the building. For the most part I am over that. I can rest a little easier at home. But as a result of the fire my mail is being held at the postal distribution center. I was going to stop by today before work but Steve didn't get here in time. I also need to mail back my defective hard drive... Any ways... the post office where it is being held is only open Monday to Friday from 8 to 5:30. I work 9 to 5:30 all next week. And one of the things I am waiting for is my interest relief form that I REALLY need to get back to them so I don't end up paying my student loan. Now the bills I am not that excited to see but I do need to pay them. So that is an annoyance *Sigh*
Then there is the rheumatologist. Apparently his office has been calling for the last month. Now I went to see him in February and they said to makea follow-up appointment but I was back at work and didn't really think much of it since he had already said that he doesn't treat fibromyalgia cases. why did it take so long to really try and get ahold of me? But they want to do some follow-up on my lab tests. Now I am wondering if my family doctor sent him a copy of the third set of blood tests or if he is discussing the tests that were done 3 months ago. I guess I'll find out on the 19th when I have to go in.
Quitting smoking is definitely not easy. Sure the Zyban helps but there are still some withdrawal symptoms. Right now I am definitely not sleeping through the night. Having some pretty vivid dreams courtesy of the Zyban. I keep waking up and when I do I have trouble falling asleep again. Now the blinds in my bedroom are not helping. Steve is supposed to be hanging the new ones but he is definitely not reliable. so the blinds only go down to the air conditioner and the light wakes me up in the morning. Azrael is also contributing to this as well. As soon as I go to bed he comes in with his stuffed animal and cries... It's not the "I want attention" cry or "I want food." In fact if you touch him he will bite you. I have no idea why he is doing this. He used to do this once in a while but now it's every night. He has really been crying a lot more lately. I'm nt sure why he has suddenly become so vocal. You'd think I was torturing the cat or something. As soon as I get off the elevator I can usually hear him... and my apartment is almost at the end of the hallway. Hoping going to get a good night's rest tonight. I could really use it.
Home life is sort of iffy. Oh I love the apartment and really feel like it's my own space. It's nice to just have me and Azrael and not have to deal with a roommate. So that part is good. But of course I am paying more for rent. Then there was the fire in the building. For the most part I am over that. I can rest a little easier at home. But as a result of the fire my mail is being held at the postal distribution center. I was going to stop by today before work but Steve didn't get here in time. I also need to mail back my defective hard drive... Any ways... the post office where it is being held is only open Monday to Friday from 8 to 5:30. I work 9 to 5:30 all next week. And one of the things I am waiting for is my interest relief form that I REALLY need to get back to them so I don't end up paying my student loan. Now the bills I am not that excited to see but I do need to pay them. So that is an annoyance *Sigh*
Then there is the rheumatologist. Apparently his office has been calling for the last month. Now I went to see him in February and they said to makea follow-up appointment but I was back at work and didn't really think much of it since he had already said that he doesn't treat fibromyalgia cases. why did it take so long to really try and get ahold of me? But they want to do some follow-up on my lab tests. Now I am wondering if my family doctor sent him a copy of the third set of blood tests or if he is discussing the tests that were done 3 months ago. I guess I'll find out on the 19th when I have to go in.
Quitting smoking is definitely not easy. Sure the Zyban helps but there are still some withdrawal symptoms. Right now I am definitely not sleeping through the night. Having some pretty vivid dreams courtesy of the Zyban. I keep waking up and when I do I have trouble falling asleep again. Now the blinds in my bedroom are not helping. Steve is supposed to be hanging the new ones but he is definitely not reliable. so the blinds only go down to the air conditioner and the light wakes me up in the morning. Azrael is also contributing to this as well. As soon as I go to bed he comes in with his stuffed animal and cries... It's not the "I want attention" cry or "I want food." In fact if you touch him he will bite you. I have no idea why he is doing this. He used to do this once in a while but now it's every night. He has really been crying a lot more lately. I'm nt sure why he has suddenly become so vocal. You'd think I was torturing the cat or something. As soon as I get off the elevator I can usually hear him... and my apartment is almost at the end of the hallway. Hoping going to get a good night's rest tonight. I could really use it.
"Will I wake tomorrow from this nightmare?" (Rent - Will I?)
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
Crawl into a Little Hole
Right about now I just want to put a "Do not Disturb" sign on the door and just hide for a few days. I don't want to deal with people at all. I think everything is just starting to affect me right now. I had to push myself incredibly hard last month so our team would meet the mandate and I haven't slowed down since then. This is pretty close to the time I started smoking again last time around and with the stress level I am feeling the cravings and the withdrawal. If it was just me and Azrael for a few days I just might be able to relax and not have so much negative energy. I'm like a bear... I just need to hibernate and recharge. Of course I've said that before and the time off didn't help. Hell I had 2 months off and I felt like I needed another vacation shortly after I came back. But with some rest... maybe this quote from Queer as Folk would be true:
Emmett: My flame has been rekindled and is burning brighter than ever.
Smoke Inhalation
Looks like inhaling smoke on the way out the door really wasn't so healthy. I feel like I did right after I quit smoking. I feel like my lungs are clearing out the tar and other chemicals. The difference is that a) I was running down the stairs so I was breathing deeper and b) it was more concentrated. I won't go into details but I've felt somewhat sick since then. Today I almost called in sick to work except I was scared to miss a day... and get further behind on my work. Now I'm fighting a headache on top of everything else. When will it end?
Philosophical Musings
I actually thought when I started this that it would largely be a collection of philosophical musings... and deep thoughts. Around the same time I was also lost in thought somewhere. But I really haven't been doing that. Haven't had too many philosophical thoughts lately either. Too busy getting through life to think about the meaning of life.
Of course my deep thoughts usually revolve around the need for balance. The body is always trying to maintain homeostatis or equilibrium. When something is not balanced we feel the effects, one way or another. An iron deficiency leaves you looking pale. You also tend to be fatigued... but that seems to come from a number of deficiencies.
With everything that has been going on of late I really don't feel that balance. I feel like there is a lot of noise and distractions. I just don't have the same ability to focus that I normally have. And I feel like I am on a see-saw trying to get back to balance. I just don't know what I need to do to get there. Or maybe I just need a vacation or something.
Of course my deep thoughts usually revolve around the need for balance. The body is always trying to maintain homeostatis or equilibrium. When something is not balanced we feel the effects, one way or another. An iron deficiency leaves you looking pale. You also tend to be fatigued... but that seems to come from a number of deficiencies.
With everything that has been going on of late I really don't feel that balance. I feel like there is a lot of noise and distractions. I just don't have the same ability to focus that I normally have. And I feel like I am on a see-saw trying to get back to balance. I just don't know what I need to do to get there. Or maybe I just need a vacation or something.
Hallowe'en/ Goodbye Love
Time for another song... (well 2 actually) also from Rent.... but this is one I identify with all too often. I think that's why I like Rent so much. I identify with it... but it's also a depiction of life and to a certain degree I believe that anyone can identify with it. It's interesting though since it's pretty much the "Rentheads" and everyone else that just doesn't get it.
Hallowe'en
MARK
How did we get here?
How the hell...
Pan left - close on the steeple of the church
How did I get here?
How the hell...
Christmas, Christmas Eve - last year
How could a night so frozen
Be so scalding hot?
How can a morning this mild
Be so raw?
Why are entire years strewn
On the cutting room floor of memory
When single frames from one magic night
Forever flicker in close-up
On the 3-D Imax of my mind
That's poetic, that's pathetic
Why did Mimi knock on Roger's door
And Collins choose that phone booth
Back where Angel set up his drums?
Why did Maureen's equipment break down?
Why am I the witness?
And when I capture it on film
Will it mean that it's the end
And I'm alone?
Goodbye Love
MARK
I hear there are great restaurants out west
ROGER
Some of the best, how could she?
MARK
How could you let her go?
ROGER
You just don't know ... how could we lose Angel?
MARK
Maybe you'll see why when you stop escaping your pain at least now if you try
Angel's death won't be in vain
ROGER
His death is in vain
MARK
Are you insane? There's so much to care about there's me there's Mimi-
ROGER
Mimi's got her baggage too
MARK
So do you
ROGER
Who are you to tell me what I know.
What to do
MARK
A friend
ROGER
But who Mark are you?
"Mark has got his work" they say
"Mark lives for his work" and
"Mark's in love with his work"
Mark hides in his work
MARK
>From what?
ROGER
>From facing your failure,
Facing your loneliness, facing the fact you live a lie
Yes, you live a lie tell you why you're always preaching not to be numb
When that's how you thrive you pretend to create and observe
When you really detach from feeling alive
How did we get here?
How the hell...
Pan left - close on the steeple of the church
How did I get here?
How the hell...
Christmas, Christmas Eve - last year
How could a night so frozen
Be so scalding hot?
How can a morning this mild
Be so raw?
Why are entire years strewn
On the cutting room floor of memory
When single frames from one magic night
Forever flicker in close-up
On the 3-D Imax of my mind
That's poetic, that's pathetic
Why did Mimi knock on Roger's door
And Collins choose that phone booth
Back where Angel set up his drums?
Why did Maureen's equipment break down?
Why am I the witness?
And when I capture it on film
Will it mean that it's the end
And I'm alone?
Goodbye Love
MARK
I hear there are great restaurants out west
ROGER
Some of the best, how could she?
MARK
How could you let her go?
ROGER
You just don't know ... how could we lose Angel?
MARK
Maybe you'll see why when you stop escaping your pain at least now if you try
Angel's death won't be in vain
ROGER
His death is in vain
MARK
Are you insane? There's so much to care about there's me there's Mimi-
ROGER
Mimi's got her baggage too
MARK
So do you
ROGER
Who are you to tell me what I know.
What to do
MARK
A friend
ROGER
But who Mark are you?
"Mark has got his work" they say
"Mark lives for his work" and
"Mark's in love with his work"
Mark hides in his work
MARK
>From what?
ROGER
>From facing your failure,
Facing your loneliness, facing the fact you live a lie
Yes, you live a lie tell you why you're always preaching not to be numb
When that's how you thrive you pretend to create and observe
When you really detach from feeling alive
Life Support
For some reason I've got this song stuck in my head at the moment... I'm hoping if I post the lyrics I just might get it out of them... here's to hoping.
"LIFE SUPPORT"
GORDON
Excuse me Paul, I'm having a problem with this, this credo. My T cells are low. I regret that news. Okay.
PAUL
But Gordon, how do you feel today?
GORDON
What do you mean?
PAUL
How do you feel today?
GORDON
Okay
PAUL
Is that all?
GORDON
Best I've felt all year
PAUL
Then why choose fear?
GORDON
I'm a New Yorker, fear's my life
Look - I find some of what you teach suspect
Because I'm used to relying in intellect
But I try to open up to what I don't know
ROGER & GORDON
Because reason says I should have died three years ago
ALL
There's only us
There's only this ...
Forget regret or life is yours to miss
No other road
No other way
No day but today
Excuse me Paul, I'm having a problem with this, this credo. My T cells are low. I regret that news. Okay.
PAUL
But Gordon, how do you feel today?
GORDON
What do you mean?
PAUL
How do you feel today?
GORDON
Okay
PAUL
Is that all?
GORDON
Best I've felt all year
PAUL
Then why choose fear?
GORDON
I'm a New Yorker, fear's my life
Look - I find some of what you teach suspect
Because I'm used to relying in intellect
But I try to open up to what I don't know
ROGER & GORDON
Because reason says I should have died three years ago
ALL
There's only us
There's only this ...
Forget regret or life is yours to miss
No other road
No other way
No day but today
Is No News Always Good News?
I got to thinking yesterday that there might be a reason the doctor's office hasn't called. When I called them they said "No news is good news" but that may not be true. There are three possibilities at this point.
- The test results came back and everything is fine
- The test results have not come back
- The test results came back but since they are referring me to a hematologist they are just not telling me the results were low
Anxiety Attack
I'm beginning to think Valium at work would be a good thing... at least for me any ways. As Pat was leaving I was almost ready to have a meltdown. Today was one of those days where I just shouldn't have got out of bed. It didn't start out well and it did not end well.
I slept in this morning. The funny part about me saying that is that I work at 1:00 this week so my alarm was going off at 11. That was 9 hours after I went to bed. Not sure where the difficulty was. So then I am rushing around trying to get ready and have no time to either make a lunch or have a Carnation with breakfast. I did manage to have a bowl of Rice Krispies. Then Steve was late picking me up and I figured it was going to be close to get to work on time.
I did manage to get to work with time to spare. Pat wanted to get the Ace done on me right away. The call was fine. Then it was time to listen to a few calls. I went without my first break and my lunch just to get 3 calls listened to. That's bad for me. Usually I can get more done. So that was starting to stress me out. Plus we are getting more new team members. One of the current team members has taken to badmouthing me on a regular basis. As soon as I get to work I feel like I am under the gun. Even after Pat left from the day it didn't stop. I had one brutal calls and was the last one out of the building. I didn't finish the call until 10:08. Then I could finally go home.
Plus there was the arson at the apartment. I have had trouble relaxing when I am at home. I keep wondering if it's going to go off... and thinking about how I can't hear it in my bedroom. And since it was an arson maybe they will try again. With a fire I could lose everything. I can't seem to get it out of my head.
I'm also thinking that this is related to me quitting smoking. The Zyban is controlling the cravings and the reward pathways but that doesn't mean all the side effects are gone. I'm just not attributing the anxiety and the irritability to the withdrawal symptoms because I don't notice those symptoms. We always want an answer... an explanation.. Why am I anxious? Why am I irritable? But because I don't feel any other effects from the withdrawal I am associating that with the fire... and with work... and other events. Hopefully it passes soon. But I think this was about the breaking point the last time around as well. This time has been better but it actually seems to be getting worse not better. Maybe that's because the assumption is the beginning is the hardest. But it takes a long time to rid the body of the chemicals... and as stress builds up so does the desire to start smoking again. So far I have resisted though.
I slept in this morning. The funny part about me saying that is that I work at 1:00 this week so my alarm was going off at 11. That was 9 hours after I went to bed. Not sure where the difficulty was. So then I am rushing around trying to get ready and have no time to either make a lunch or have a Carnation with breakfast. I did manage to have a bowl of Rice Krispies. Then Steve was late picking me up and I figured it was going to be close to get to work on time.
I did manage to get to work with time to spare. Pat wanted to get the Ace done on me right away. The call was fine. Then it was time to listen to a few calls. I went without my first break and my lunch just to get 3 calls listened to. That's bad for me. Usually I can get more done. So that was starting to stress me out. Plus we are getting more new team members. One of the current team members has taken to badmouthing me on a regular basis. As soon as I get to work I feel like I am under the gun. Even after Pat left from the day it didn't stop. I had one brutal calls and was the last one out of the building. I didn't finish the call until 10:08. Then I could finally go home.
Plus there was the arson at the apartment. I have had trouble relaxing when I am at home. I keep wondering if it's going to go off... and thinking about how I can't hear it in my bedroom. And since it was an arson maybe they will try again. With a fire I could lose everything. I can't seem to get it out of my head.
I'm also thinking that this is related to me quitting smoking. The Zyban is controlling the cravings and the reward pathways but that doesn't mean all the side effects are gone. I'm just not attributing the anxiety and the irritability to the withdrawal symptoms because I don't notice those symptoms. We always want an answer... an explanation.. Why am I anxious? Why am I irritable? But because I don't feel any other effects from the withdrawal I am associating that with the fire... and with work... and other events. Hopefully it passes soon. But I think this was about the breaking point the last time around as well. This time has been better but it actually seems to be getting worse not better. Maybe that's because the assumption is the beginning is the hardest. But it takes a long time to rid the body of the chemicals... and as stress builds up so does the desire to start smoking again. So far I have resisted though.
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
Odd Question
So today I got to thinking... always a scary thing... *lol* since the fire was in the back of the building and the back entrance is currently sealed off how am I going to get my mail? Not only was the recycling in the back but so were the mailboxes. Now the bills I am not so concerned about... although I do seem to be missing a few bills already with all the address changes. But I am expecting a package soon from Amazon. I'm not sure why I have an obsession with mail. I think it's just the ritualistic nature. When I was younger I would get the mail on my way home from school. And now I check the mail on my way home from work. It's a habit. Almost always it's just another bill but every once in a while it's something worthwhile, like my monthly copy of Maxim. Which reminds me I really need to ask Joe for this month's copy. I forgot to change my address with them. Yes I know that was a really bad habit. But it does look like it might be a while before I am actually receiving mail.
Confirmed Arson
According to the Peterborough Examiner today:
Arson causes evacuation
Don Peat
Monday, June 05, 2006 - 09:00
Local News - About 27 residents were evacuated by city bus to the Kinsmen Arena early Saturday morning after fire erupted in a Talwood Drive apartment building.
City fire department Platoon Chief Lloyd Hutchinson said the arson caused damage of up to $50,000 and about five people were taken to hospital to be treated for smoke inhalation.
At 3:30 a.m. the building's fire alarm was set off when a fire began in the north side entranceway where the building's recycling bins were kept, says building superintendent Ron Bourne.
"It started in the middle of the room, expanded both ways, blew out the glass door and with the oxygen coming in it just expanded," Bourne said pointing to the melted remains of a large bin.
Tenants living on the ground floor escaped through their patios.
Damage was confined to the main floor but smoke travelled throughout the building, said acting platoon chief Ron Sparks
Around 7 a.m., residents were allowed back in the building.
Building resident Jaime Sawdon was asleep when the alarm went off but managed to get out with her son Daniel.
"The smoke was atrocious," said Sawdon describing her trek down the stairwell and out a side entrance.
She took her 15-month-old to the hospital to ensure he wasn't harmed.
By Saturday afternoon an emergency cleaning crew from a fire restoration company was in the building starting to cleanup.
"This is a large scale commercial fire," said Earle Chambers of Superior Restoration.
To convey the scope of the fire, he pointed out how the plastic lamp shades along the ground floor hallway, even lights several metres away from the flames, had melted.
Mary Meyers was in a friend's apartment on the third floor when she smelled smoke just before the alarm went off.
They walked down the stairs and out the building's side entrance.
"There was a lot of smoke, I couldn't see any fire," Meyers told The Examiner.
"The fire department and emergency medical personnel did a good job, they made sure we were as comfortable as possible."
City police said they are still investigating the fire.
Arson causes evacuation
Don Peat
Monday, June 05, 2006 - 09:00
Local News - About 27 residents were evacuated by city bus to the Kinsmen Arena early Saturday morning after fire erupted in a Talwood Drive apartment building.
City fire department Platoon Chief Lloyd Hutchinson said the arson caused damage of up to $50,000 and about five people were taken to hospital to be treated for smoke inhalation.
At 3:30 a.m. the building's fire alarm was set off when a fire began in the north side entranceway where the building's recycling bins were kept, says building superintendent Ron Bourne.
"It started in the middle of the room, expanded both ways, blew out the glass door and with the oxygen coming in it just expanded," Bourne said pointing to the melted remains of a large bin.
Tenants living on the ground floor escaped through their patios.
Damage was confined to the main floor but smoke travelled throughout the building, said acting platoon chief Ron Sparks
Around 7 a.m., residents were allowed back in the building.
Building resident Jaime Sawdon was asleep when the alarm went off but managed to get out with her son Daniel.
"The smoke was atrocious," said Sawdon describing her trek down the stairwell and out a side entrance.
She took her 15-month-old to the hospital to ensure he wasn't harmed.
By Saturday afternoon an emergency cleaning crew from a fire restoration company was in the building starting to cleanup.
"This is a large scale commercial fire," said Earle Chambers of Superior Restoration.
To convey the scope of the fire, he pointed out how the plastic lamp shades along the ground floor hallway, even lights several metres away from the flames, had melted.
Mary Meyers was in a friend's apartment on the third floor when she smelled smoke just before the alarm went off.
They walked down the stairs and out the building's side entrance.
"There was a lot of smoke, I couldn't see any fire," Meyers told The Examiner.
"The fire department and emergency medical personnel did a good job, they made sure we were as comfortable as possible."
City police said they are still investigating the fire.
Monday, June 05, 2006
Smoker's Haven
It has now been 2 weeks without a smoke. Saturday night I was definitely tempted. But I've done well and resisted the temptation.
I still remember when I was 18 and for some unknown reason the conversation at home to when the first time Suzanne and I had tried smoking. When I said I never had I was told I could be honest. Once again I said I hadn't and was accused of lying. But I had been telling the truth. I had never smoked, done drugs, or had a drink. Once I had been accused of lying it really didn't matter any more. Then I figured I might as well try it since people assumed I had any ways. And now I've smoked off and on for almost 10 years now. Not to say I wouldn't have started any ways but it is still interesting to think about. The choices we make... and the factors that go into those decisions.
I still remember when I was 18 and for some unknown reason the conversation at home to when the first time Suzanne and I had tried smoking. When I said I never had I was told I could be honest. Once again I said I hadn't and was accused of lying. But I had been telling the truth. I had never smoked, done drugs, or had a drink. Once I had been accused of lying it really didn't matter any more. Then I figured I might as well try it since people assumed I had any ways. And now I've smoked off and on for almost 10 years now. Not to say I wouldn't have started any ways but it is still interesting to think about. The choices we make... and the factors that go into those decisions.
Sunday, June 04, 2006
Legacy of Abuse
I'm not sure why I am so melancholic at the moment. I think it's just from the pressure I placed myself over the last month. Well, that plus various sources of stress... quitting smoking... and then there was the weekend. I haven't exactly been able to relax at all.
I should be ecstatic about the fact we were able to meet the mandate last month. It was quite a feat. Plus the help we were able to give to another team. You'd think I'd feeling pretty good about it. But, instead I am wondering what more I could've done. I've hit the mandate every month since I came back. Christie keeps telling me I'm going to develop an ego, as a joke. Yet I just push myself harder and have trouble accepting any praise. I can point out my flaws much quicker.
For much of my life I was told I wasn't good enough... and that I never would be. That does wonders for your self esteem. So to me... everything I do has to be perfect and I have trouble accepting anything less. And I do have a tough time with compliments. I just shrug them off.
The effects of abuse are long lasting and stay with you. They also affect all aspects of life. For a long time I denied it... and had to keep the family secret. That things weren't perfect. Now I doubt myself all the time. And I isolate myself. I go to work and then I come home. I tend not to socialize and I have difficulty trusting anyone. This has been increasingly noticeble in the last year or so.
I think part of that relates to events in the past year. Plus my TL didn't help. Don't get me wrong... as a person I still think highly of Chris. I think her heart was in the right place. But it reminded me of when I was younger. Nothing I did was ever going to be good enough. That has a psyhological effect.
And if you look at the two posts on the effects it's easy to see that some of them are factors in my life. I tend to engage in risk-taking behaviours. There's also immune suppression, chronic pain, insomnia, headaches and attentional deficits. Even my need to be an overachiever is likely related to the history of abuse. I'm compensating for it... and trying not to be noticed. I try to be invisible... to blend in... so I don't stand out. But it seems to be a conflict... since I am also an overachiever to compensate making it harder to be a ghost. The self-injury is probably one of the most noticeable effects. Somewhere along the way I learned that cutting myself was a reinforcing behaviour and that it reduced stress levels. But I also knew it was maladaptive. And typically when people find out they try to control the behaviour instead of helping me find a better way to cope. Now I haven't purposely cut myself in over a year now... but I haven't really replaced it with anything else.
Abuse leaves a lifelong mark.... and shapes beliefs about the world. It shapes how we interact with others and how we perceive ourselves. I'd like to say that time heals the wounds I'm not so sure tht's true.
I should be ecstatic about the fact we were able to meet the mandate last month. It was quite a feat. Plus the help we were able to give to another team. You'd think I'd feeling pretty good about it. But, instead I am wondering what more I could've done. I've hit the mandate every month since I came back. Christie keeps telling me I'm going to develop an ego, as a joke. Yet I just push myself harder and have trouble accepting any praise. I can point out my flaws much quicker.
For much of my life I was told I wasn't good enough... and that I never would be. That does wonders for your self esteem. So to me... everything I do has to be perfect and I have trouble accepting anything less. And I do have a tough time with compliments. I just shrug them off.
The effects of abuse are long lasting and stay with you. They also affect all aspects of life. For a long time I denied it... and had to keep the family secret. That things weren't perfect. Now I doubt myself all the time. And I isolate myself. I go to work and then I come home. I tend not to socialize and I have difficulty trusting anyone. This has been increasingly noticeble in the last year or so.
I think part of that relates to events in the past year. Plus my TL didn't help. Don't get me wrong... as a person I still think highly of Chris. I think her heart was in the right place. But it reminded me of when I was younger. Nothing I did was ever going to be good enough. That has a psyhological effect.
And if you look at the two posts on the effects it's easy to see that some of them are factors in my life. I tend to engage in risk-taking behaviours. There's also immune suppression, chronic pain, insomnia, headaches and attentional deficits. Even my need to be an overachiever is likely related to the history of abuse. I'm compensating for it... and trying not to be noticed. I try to be invisible... to blend in... so I don't stand out. But it seems to be a conflict... since I am also an overachiever to compensate making it harder to be a ghost. The self-injury is probably one of the most noticeable effects. Somewhere along the way I learned that cutting myself was a reinforcing behaviour and that it reduced stress levels. But I also knew it was maladaptive. And typically when people find out they try to control the behaviour instead of helping me find a better way to cope. Now I haven't purposely cut myself in over a year now... but I haven't really replaced it with anything else.
Abuse leaves a lifelong mark.... and shapes beliefs about the world. It shapes how we interact with others and how we perceive ourselves. I'd like to say that time heals the wounds I'm not so sure tht's true.
Effects of Abuse on Adults
According to the Journal of Mental Health:
No one escapes childhood abuse unharmed. "Many abuse survivors are highly competent in their professional and personal lives, compensating for the adverse effects of an abusive childhood until some added stress is introduced, perhaps a physical illness, birth of a child, or the death of a family member."11 Some children may seem resilient to abuse, some even becoming overachievers 8,11, but eventually the history of abuse catches up with them.
Compared with people without a history of childhood abuse, adults with a history of childhood abuse are more likely to have: A partner with a substance abuse problem; Anxiety disorders; Chronic head, face or pelvic pain; Eating disorders; Musculoskeletal complaints; Depression; Gastrointestinal distress or symptoms; Asthma or other respiratory ailments; Obesity, Eating disorders; Insomnia; Panic; Sexual dysfunction; Substance abuse; Suicidal ideation or behavior; Pseudo-neurologic symptoms (dizziness, etc.); Unintended pregnancy; Self-injury; Abuse their own children.Effects of Abuse on Children
According to the Mental Health Journal:
In addition to distorting children's thoughts, abuse also forces children into a position of having to "hide the family secret". This prevents children from having real relationships and has life-long effects. And because our ability to form healthy social relationships is learned, abused children are deprived of many skills necessary to navigate the social world. Their entire concept of a relationship is distorted. This leads to problematic relationships in life and even on the job.
Another disturbing aspect of abuse is the experiential restraint it puts on children. If a child fears doing anything new because of the chance that it will lead to a violent attack or because an abusive parent keeps extremely tight control over them, the child will lose his or her sense of curiosity and wonder at the world and will stop trying new things and exercising his or her mind. That child will never achieve his or her intellectual potential.
Another aspect of abuse which cannot be ignored is the physical stress it puts on a child. Multiple exposures to violence and trauma cause what's known as autonomic and endocrine hyperarousal. Basically it means the victim gets stressed out. When a person experiences this hyperarousal over and over again, there are permanent physiological changes. These changes can be seen as over-reactions to stimuli, as in being easily startled especially by things that remind the victim of the original event; generally being emotionally numb; craving high-risk, stimulating, or dangerous experiences or self-injury; difficulties in attention and concentration; cardiovascular problems; and immune suppression which leads to a higher risk for colds and more severe illnesses.Effects of child abuse:
Academic difficulties; Agressive behavior; Alcohol and/or other drug abuse; Anxiety; Attention problems; Bad dreams; Bed wetting; Behavior problems; Chronic pain; Compulsive sexual behaviors; Concentration problems; Dangerous behavior such as speeding; Dehydration; Depression; Dissociative states; Eating disorders; Failure to thrive; Fear or shyness; Fear of certain adults or places; Frequent injuries; Insomnia; Learning problems; Lying; Malnutrition; Oppositionality; Panic attacks; Physical symptoms such as headaches and stomach aches; Repeated self-injury; Risky sexual behaviors; Running away; Self neglect; Separation anxiety; Sexual dysfunction; Sleep disorders; Social withdrawal; Stealing; Stuttering; Substance abuse; Suicide attempts; Thumb-sucking or any age-inappropriate behavior; Truancy.2,3,6,15
Children have different levels of resiliency or hardiness and different personality attributes, so different children respond differently to similarly abusive situations. That's why the lists of warning signs above seems so general. None of the symptoms above is diagnostic of child abuse - i.e., the presence of any of the signs above does not prove that abuse has occurred. Also, a child may endure abuse without developing any of the symptoms above. Abuse simply increases the risk for all of the symptoms. Basically, children are supposed to learn everything they need to thrive in this world from their caretakers. Abusive parents provide the opposite of what children need. Instead of teaching and nurturing growth, they distort and destroy.
Types of Emotional Abuse
According to the Wikipedia article on emotional abuse:
Rejection
Rejection occurs from a refusal to acknowledge a person's presence, value, or worth. It is achieved by communicating to a person that she or he is useless or inferior and by devaluing that person's thoughts and feelings. For example, continually treating a child differently from siblings in a way that is unfair and suggests dislike for the child.
Degradation
This occurs from the use of insulting behaviour, such as ridiculing, name calling, imitating and infantilizing. It aims to diminish the dignity and self-worth of the person, and affects their sense of identity in a demeaning way. Examples include: yelling, swearing, publicly humiliating or labelling a person as stupid; mimicking a person's disability; or treating someone as though they were much younger than they are and preventing them from making normal decisions.
Terror
This is the evocation of extreme fear in a person, done by coercion through intimidation. It can include placing or threatening to place a person in an unfit or dangerous environment. Examples include: making a child watch violence perpetrated on people the child cares about or a pet; making threats to abandon or kill a child; threatening to damage a person's possessions; stalking. Extreme religiousity could also fall under this category; whereby the wrath of God is threatened if an individual behaves a certain way (telling a child they will burn in Hell if they masturbate, etc.).
Isolation
Isolation is the limiting of a person's freedom to engage in normal association with others. It may involve physical confinement. Examples include: preventing an older child from participating in decisions about their own life; locking a child in a cupboard or in a room alone; disallowing a partner or older child from using their own money or making financial decisions; withholding contact with grandchildren; forbidding or strongly discouraging a partner from meeting with friends or family; depriving a person of mobility aids, transport, healthy living. The abuser does this to make themselves feel more important, or gain a sense of control.
Corruption and Exploitation
Corruption involves training a person to accept ideas or behaviour that is illegal or transgresses cultural mores. Exploitation involves using a person for advantage or profit. The grooming of a child to serve the interests of the abuser rather than those of the child may occur prior to actual exploitation. Examples include: child sexual abuse; permitting a child to use alcohol or drugs or see pornography; or enticing a person into the sex trade.
Emotional Unresponsiveness
This entails the failure to provide care in a sensitive and responsive manner and is manifested by being detached and uninvolved, interacting only when necessary and ignoring a person's mental health needs. Examples include: ignoring a child's attempt to interact; failure to show a child affection; treating someone as though they are an object, "a job to be done".
Nails
There was a little boy with a bad temper. His father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, to hammer a nail in the back fence. The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence.
Then it gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence. Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper.
The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone. The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said, "You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one.
You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It won't matter how many times you say I'm sorry, the wound is still there.
Then it gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence. Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper.
The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone. The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said, "You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one.
You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It won't matter how many times you say I'm sorry, the wound is still there.
Saturday, June 03, 2006
What Happened to Relaxing on the Weekend?
Yesterday started out as a normal day... I got up and got ready for work. Pat was there to pick me up. Got to work early so I had everything ready to go. And now that I'm not smoking I don't need as much time and don't feel as rushed. Then I did my worst call evaluation ever... of a senior agent. Didn't really start the work day off well. Then it was off to a team meeting.... that ended up being a war. Somehow it took me until 5:00 to present that ACE. I really didn't have time to help other teams today. But hey... we met our mandate :o) Took calls... and then went home after work. It was a little more stressful then other days but it had still been pretty routine. I got home and flipped on the TV. Was watching TV and playing on the Net. I was actually planning to go to bed around 1:00... In hindsight it's a good thing I didn't go to bed.
At 3:30 in the morning the fire alarm went off. Now that happened a few times at Times Square and was always a false alarm. I always went outside since I lived on the second floor. Here, it was actually a bigger decision. I figured it was just a false alarm with someone pulling the switch... or burning toast or something. So at first I was just wandering aimlessly and debating whether or not to go outside. I even realized that I could hide in my room and wouldn't hear the alarm. Hence the reason I said it was a good thing I hadn't gone to bed. I stepped out on the balcony to see if I could see anything. And as soon as I looked to the left I saw the rising smoke and it only looked like it was a floor, maybe two beneath me. Then I heard someone yell that there really was a fire. So I grabbed my cell phone, keys, PDA and MacBook since they were all in the path to the door and headed out. I didn't even lock the door since I knew I would be fighting with the door. By the time I reached the third floor I was inhaling smoke so I was trying to breathe as little as possible the rest of the way. I get outside joining other people milling around. Then we all headed across the street, away from the burning building.
One of the first things I thought about was the fact that I don't have insurance. Recently I had been thinking about getting apartment insurance but I don't currently have the $30/month I would need to insure it. My second thought was that Azrael was still in the building. I'm a control freak so not knowing anything really didn't help me. Someone said they thought it was the garbage cans out back... or from the garbage chute. That made me feel a little better... but I'm not sure that explained why at the far side of the building, away from the garbage area I was inhaling smoke 3 floors up...
Someone was calling the fire department right after I got out the door and they were already on their way. Next thing I know there are 3 fire trucks, a couple of ambulances and a number of police cars arriving on the scene. It actually got up to 3 fire trucks, 4 ambulances and 6 police cars.... not including whatever was at the front of the building. The paramedics were handing out th emergency blankets to people that were cold. Fortunately I was out there in a sweatshirt and track pants so I wasn't too bad. Could've used a jacket though since it was lightly raining.
I felt pretty alone and isolated standing on the other side of the street watching the paramedics treating people for smoke inhalation, and the fire department trying to put out the fire. Most people had family out there with them... or their pets.... or friends. I had no one... and Azrael was stuck in the building. Mind you a complete stranger offered me a place to sleep since we were not getting back in the building any time soon. It really is amazing how some people really pull together when something happens. I turned them down since I wanted to make sure Azrael was okay.
I remember looking up at the windows at one point and saw a child's face looking out the window. My heart actually sank at that point. I didn't know if there was a need to be concerned but didn't like the possibility of someone being trapped in the building, especially a child.
Now an hour later I was starting to think I should've taken them up on the offer. I had taken my sleeping pills at 2 am so I just wanted to crawl into bed. I kept thinking that if it was just the garbage then we shouldn't be out there all that long. At 4:30 I was being a smartass and thinking that in the movies the fire department always puts out a fire a lot faster. At about the same time I heard that it was going to be a lot longer before we could go back into the building. A lot of people knew people in one of the other buildings so it cleared out quite a bit. There were only a few people waiting around at the back of the building.
I ended up calling Steve and asked him to pick me up. I didn't want to... but I also didn't want to end up being outside for a few more hours waiting. At this point I have no idea how extensive the damage is. They were trying to clear the smoke out of the building. I walked down to Macs and Steve picked me up there. I was able to get a few hours of shuteye. Steve went by the apartment first thing in the morning and made sure it was locked. The super had gone by and locked all the apartments.
When I came back here it was immediately clear that it was worse then I originally thought. People were saying the fire was out back. I came up to the front door and into the lobby. There was pretty extensive smoke damage. They were working on the floors. The walls were all black. The panel with the buttons for the elevator had been removed. I got off the elevator on the 5th floor and they had blowers in the hallway to get rid of the smoke. You could still smell it in the building. Azrael was a little pissed with me for leaving him. Fortunately, I was high enough that my apartment wasn't affected. But I am still trying to relax now and that is a bit of a challenge.
I was talking to mom earlier today. She asked me if I had grabbed my wallet and my jacket on the way out the door. I was pretty much ready for bed when the alarm went off. It took me about 5 minutes or so to even realize there really was a fire. So, at that point, the last thing I was thinking of was that I should grab money and a jacket to stay dry. I just wanted to get the hell out of the building. I don't even think I followed half the safety rules before I left the building. Well I did check the door handle... but didn't look out the peephole to see if there was any smoke in the hallway. Then I just ran down the stairs to the first floor. Everything turned out okay but I am not sure that I am really going to be relaxed and enjoying my time off work.
At 3:30 in the morning the fire alarm went off. Now that happened a few times at Times Square and was always a false alarm. I always went outside since I lived on the second floor. Here, it was actually a bigger decision. I figured it was just a false alarm with someone pulling the switch... or burning toast or something. So at first I was just wandering aimlessly and debating whether or not to go outside. I even realized that I could hide in my room and wouldn't hear the alarm. Hence the reason I said it was a good thing I hadn't gone to bed. I stepped out on the balcony to see if I could see anything. And as soon as I looked to the left I saw the rising smoke and it only looked like it was a floor, maybe two beneath me. Then I heard someone yell that there really was a fire. So I grabbed my cell phone, keys, PDA and MacBook since they were all in the path to the door and headed out. I didn't even lock the door since I knew I would be fighting with the door. By the time I reached the third floor I was inhaling smoke so I was trying to breathe as little as possible the rest of the way. I get outside joining other people milling around. Then we all headed across the street, away from the burning building.
One of the first things I thought about was the fact that I don't have insurance. Recently I had been thinking about getting apartment insurance but I don't currently have the $30/month I would need to insure it. My second thought was that Azrael was still in the building. I'm a control freak so not knowing anything really didn't help me. Someone said they thought it was the garbage cans out back... or from the garbage chute. That made me feel a little better... but I'm not sure that explained why at the far side of the building, away from the garbage area I was inhaling smoke 3 floors up...
Someone was calling the fire department right after I got out the door and they were already on their way. Next thing I know there are 3 fire trucks, a couple of ambulances and a number of police cars arriving on the scene. It actually got up to 3 fire trucks, 4 ambulances and 6 police cars.... not including whatever was at the front of the building. The paramedics were handing out th emergency blankets to people that were cold. Fortunately I was out there in a sweatshirt and track pants so I wasn't too bad. Could've used a jacket though since it was lightly raining.
I felt pretty alone and isolated standing on the other side of the street watching the paramedics treating people for smoke inhalation, and the fire department trying to put out the fire. Most people had family out there with them... or their pets.... or friends. I had no one... and Azrael was stuck in the building. Mind you a complete stranger offered me a place to sleep since we were not getting back in the building any time soon. It really is amazing how some people really pull together when something happens. I turned them down since I wanted to make sure Azrael was okay.
I remember looking up at the windows at one point and saw a child's face looking out the window. My heart actually sank at that point. I didn't know if there was a need to be concerned but didn't like the possibility of someone being trapped in the building, especially a child.
Now an hour later I was starting to think I should've taken them up on the offer. I had taken my sleeping pills at 2 am so I just wanted to crawl into bed. I kept thinking that if it was just the garbage then we shouldn't be out there all that long. At 4:30 I was being a smartass and thinking that in the movies the fire department always puts out a fire a lot faster. At about the same time I heard that it was going to be a lot longer before we could go back into the building. A lot of people knew people in one of the other buildings so it cleared out quite a bit. There were only a few people waiting around at the back of the building.
I ended up calling Steve and asked him to pick me up. I didn't want to... but I also didn't want to end up being outside for a few more hours waiting. At this point I have no idea how extensive the damage is. They were trying to clear the smoke out of the building. I walked down to Macs and Steve picked me up there. I was able to get a few hours of shuteye. Steve went by the apartment first thing in the morning and made sure it was locked. The super had gone by and locked all the apartments.
When I came back here it was immediately clear that it was worse then I originally thought. People were saying the fire was out back. I came up to the front door and into the lobby. There was pretty extensive smoke damage. They were working on the floors. The walls were all black. The panel with the buttons for the elevator had been removed. I got off the elevator on the 5th floor and they had blowers in the hallway to get rid of the smoke. You could still smell it in the building. Azrael was a little pissed with me for leaving him. Fortunately, I was high enough that my apartment wasn't affected. But I am still trying to relax now and that is a bit of a challenge.
I was talking to mom earlier today. She asked me if I had grabbed my wallet and my jacket on the way out the door. I was pretty much ready for bed when the alarm went off. It took me about 5 minutes or so to even realize there really was a fire. So, at that point, the last thing I was thinking of was that I should grab money and a jacket to stay dry. I just wanted to get the hell out of the building. I don't even think I followed half the safety rules before I left the building. Well I did check the door handle... but didn't look out the peephole to see if there was any smoke in the hallway. Then I just ran down the stairs to the first floor. Everything turned out okay but I am not sure that I am really going to be relaxed and enjoying my time off work.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
