In Limbo

So this weekend was a little on the frustrating side. I decided to do a walkthrough of my new apartment. The cable guy was going to be showing up and I wanted to see if the carpets had been done. Plus I wanted to get an idea of the layout so I could figure out where to put things. This was on Sunday... since today was supposed to be move-in day. They had done absolutely nothing on it all weekend. All of the doors would need to be replaced, or rehung since they were in rough shape. The carpets had not been done. There was still furniture and odds and ends in the apartment. There were railings near the windows... I think to prevent people from thinking there was a balcony on the other side of the window (it looks like a sliding door) and the railings were extremely loose. It also got me thinking. The apartment is $625 plus utilities... so I am looking at about $800 a month. Not only was it not ready for me to move in as scheduled but now I am paying for hydro and cable in an apartment I am not living in at the moment. The apartment is basically an oversized bachelor. I'd be lucky if I fit my double bed in the bedroom, and that is without a frame for it.... Hmm... $800 a month... for that??? I was paying $875 for a spacious 2 bedroom. Something just doesn't add up here. And while it is convenient being that close to work... it just doesn't seem to be enough.

So tomorrow morning I am heading down to Talwood to look at the apartments there. Now the fact it's on the west side of town will make going to work a challenge since I don't drive but it's doable. I am not the only one that would be living over there. And it would be cheaper. It's $740 all inclusive. So I'd get back the hydro deposit and not have to worry about that. Plus from what I have heard they are pretty spacious apartments. Failing that I could also look at Citi Centre and be downtown. Either way I have to make a decision ASAP so that I can cancel the hydro, contact Cogeco and cancel my mail forwarding. I really don't like living in limbo. I'm also sick of living out of boxes... but in a few weeks I will be settled somewhere... just not sure where at the moment. I will always have a cardboard box I suppose. Peterborough really seems to bring out the best in me. Been homeless basically three times now since I left London... it's really getting old.

Nothing else in the way of news. I think that's enough news for one day. I'm hoping the rest of my life is event free. I could do with some peace and quiet.

Life at Work

I have now been back at work for a month. Until recently I don't think I had realized how much stress I was feeling before the LOA. I have been extremely relaxed ever since I came back. Having a good friend of mine as a team leader has definitely been beneficial. I wasn't sure how that would go over since we were agents together back in the day and have always been good friends. But so far it is going okay. I find I can just relax and not worry so much that what I am doing isn't good enough. I also find I am doing less work. Not to say that I slack off since that isn't in my vocabulary, as much as Christie and I joke about it. I get my work done and that's the important thing. I'm part of a great team and they have accepted me as part of the team. I become a great target when I'm in... but they do try not to hit the laptop. I guess they fear my wrath if anything happens to it.

I also finally got my MacBook Pro. It arrived earlier this week. I am still trying to get used to it. For some reason I almost feel like it's not mine. Maybe it's just because I am used to using the iBook at work from days gone by. Once I move I think it will get a lot more use as I get back into the web design and the video editing. I can use it at work and at home. That was why I went with a laptop. I live in the same building I work in so it is handy to be able to bring it downstairs for work and then also use it at home. Now I just need to get the web site done so I can actually make some money off of it. Otherwise it is just an expensive form of entertainment.

And now back to the NCAA. I am currently watching UCLA take on LSU. I already watched Florida beat George Mason. I always cheer on Duke and UCLA. LSU took out Duke already so now I am torn. I want to see UCLA win but LSU has been amazing and just dominated in the game against the #1 seeded Duke. So I wouldn't be heartbroken if they won. Then on Monday is the finals. Looks like I'll be unpacking while I watch the game... hopefully any ways.

Moving

So this is the weekend I'm moving. Well officially I am not moving until Monday so I guess this is the time for packing. I hate packing. The worst part is that I am only moving up a floor. I have mixed emotions about it. This is the 4th time I'll have moved since I got to Peterborough. I always thought that when I finished school I would stop moving annually. So I would really like to stop that trend and just settle in somewhere. I am excited about moving back to my own place... just me and Azrael. It has been a long time since I had my own place. I'm not completely against having a roommate but it's also not all it is cracked up to be. Jarratt was a roommate out of convenience and we didn't have that many common interests. Steve... well... what can I say about that one? I can only handle him in small doses as it is. As a roommate it was even more challenging. At least Jarratt would go out for a night and give me some space.

The other drawback to moving is that I am still not 100%. I'm not coughing any more but I am still incredibly fatigued. I can be active for an hour, maybe 2, and then just feel completely drained. Fortunately most of my stuff was packed but it still sucks. The lymph nodes in my neck seem to be swollen and the muscles in my jaw keep clenching. I think that once I get the move done and over with and can relax then I will really start feeling better.

There has been a lot of changes at work as well. They did away with the team leader position by restructuring the team manager role. We went from about 22 teams to 11 so they basically doubled in size. Instead of there being a team leader and then a team manager above the team leader there will just be team managers. This also means that some of the current team leaders are no longer with the company... opting to pursue other opportunities instead of taking on a different position when not hired for the team manager spot. As a performance coach the changes do mean some added responsibilities and some more stress. Over all nothing major though. I can still handle it. There was also a chance to apply for a leadership position where you would be an acting team manager as needed. Too bad I had the two verbal warnings before my LOA so for the next 5 months I am ineligible to apply for any position. I have to go 6 months without any disciplnary action before I can go anywhere. So far it's going okay.

Still Sick

Doing a little better but still sick. I've spent much of the last three days in bed, or asleep on the futon. Guess I've now broken that in. The lymph nodes in my neck seem to be swollen which is causing pain in my jaw. The congestion has gone down quite a bit, along with the sore throat. So that is good.... Now if I could just get rid of the sinus pressure I'd be doing okay. Well and gained back some of the weight that I lost. I seem to have trouble gaining weight but no trouble losing it. Mind you not being able to eat much... and then having trouble keeping it down might have something to do with that.

I did have a scary experience yesterday. I woke up since dinner was not agreeing with me. I got out of bed to go to the bathroom and suddenly felt dizzy. I was disoriented and lightheaded. On my way back to bed I went to turn out the lights in the living room. I was still dizzy and then suddenly lost my vision. I couldn't see anything. I remember kicking the water dish and not being able to find the lights. The next thing I remember is hitting my head off something... which turned out to be the toilet on one side and the cabinet on the other. After a few minutes I got up and did turn the lights out. When I woke up again a few hours later I still felt a little dizzy but it wasn't nearly as bad. What freaked me out is that I don't black out. I remember one time in university where my blood pressure just dropped. I was sitting in class and lost my vision. Then my hearing all seemed like it was a windtunnel. But I didn't black out, which surprised the doctor. After a few minutes my senses returned and I was fine. I know I am hypoglycemic, sick and not eating enough... which is a recipe for disaster but even when I had the flu and lost a lot more weight I never blacked out... or had dizzy spells like that one. No dizziness today at least. Hopefully in a couple of days I will be back to normal... as normal as I ever am any ways.

Make It Stop

I am absolutely miserable when I am sick. As a result this has not been a good week for me. I was at the doctors on Tuesday, for an unrelated matter. He thought it was just a viral infection and said I should get some rest and drink plenty of fluids. Within 24 hours I was having trouble staying warm, and was coughing quite a bit. By Thursday I was congested, still couldn't stay warm, my entire body was sensitive, and I was still coughing. I went to the chiropractor after work and she really had to take it easy on me. Today I called in sick to work. I had an appointment with the rheumatologist. He ended up ordering a chest x-ray to rule out pneumonia. He also put me on an antibiotic. The only problem is that you have to take the antibiotic with food. So far I have really not been able to keep anything down, other then water. So we'll see how that goes. Not surprising I have also lost quite a bit of weight being sick and that's not helping me get better. I think I'll be sleeping for the next two days and hopefully be doing better by Monday.

In other news... Steve seems to want to move his stuff out after saying he was going to wait for the end of the month. Normally I would say that is great news... but when you have bronchitis (or perhaps the flu) you just want peace and quiet... not constant noise. And Dwayne seems to have reappeared in Peterborough. I am concerned that he is planning to crash here in the meantime. I don't need any more stress... or anyone else at the apartment in the next few days.

If that wasn't enough I still have to contact the landlord to finalize me moving out... and finish packing. But for now I am heading back to the couch for some more rest.

Customer Service

I just had a weird experience. I just had Cogeco call me because I am moving and hadn't sent them a change of address. They really wanted to make sure that I got it done and taken care of so that I didn't lose my internet or my cable TV in the meantime. I am still impressed by it. I was about to send the notification but wasn't sure exactly which day I'd be moving in. Until yesterday I wasn't even sure which apartment it would be. I only handed in my notice 2 weeks ago. How's that for customer service? So now there won't be any interuption of service and April 2 the Cogeco guy will be installing the cable in the new apartment. That was easy. I didn't even have to do anything... other then provide the apartment number.

The Tides Have Turned

Looks like the tides have turned. I got my tax return and my EI at pretty much the same time. Definitely helped to relieve a lot of the stress. I bought a futon and finally retired the couch. And I ordered my laptop. Going to be a couple of weeks before that arrives though.

Things at work are also much better now. I am a lot more relaxed and having more fun. It is a whole different atmosphere where I am now. And I stay out of the rumour mill now. It seems to be much quieter and I don't have to answer as many questions. Before my LOA I almost felt like I had a bulls eye on my back and was the center of some nasty rumours. Now it's like starting over with a clean slate. :o)

Stress as a Disease

Currently I think stress is more like a disease... it just eats away at you and winds up consuming you. The worst part is that knowing that what is currently stressing me out I can't even control, for the most part any ways. Bills are starting to pile up since 6 weeks later still no EI. But the frustration comes in that I am working days so I never get a chance to call them to find out what is going on. Then I was at the dentists today and my 100% coverage has not gone through yet. So they also want their money... same with the credit card companies... the cable company... and the list goes on. I seem to be getting further and further behind and it's really getting to me. Right now I've got $10 in the bank account, and that was only because the roommate bailed me out again. I know my tax return will be in next week but c'mon... can't anything go smoothly? Why am I still waiting for my EI? Am I ever going to get it? *Sigh*

Under the Weather

Currently feeling a bit under the weather. I'm not sure if it's just because of the jaw pain but I haven't been eating much which is also leading to low energy. First thing tomorrow morning I am off to the dentist finally. Maybe more medication... or at least future appointments to get the work done. Then on Thursday I am off to the chiropractor. Tonight I am definitely going to bed early so I can rest. Or so the theory goes any ways. We'll see what happens in the next hour.

UFC '58

So last night was UFC '58. I had been hesitant to order the PPV since there weren't too many big names on the card. I wasn't sure if I wanted to spend the $40 on it. Even more so after St. Pierre started whining about not being given a title shot and how unfair it was that he was fighting Penn for a chance to fight Matt Hughes. But I did order it. And I won't ruin it by saying who won... but there were some good fights. I was actually surprised by that. And I still hold that the UFC is my version of therapy. :o)

The Almighty Dollar

Overall things are going extremely well this week. I am back at work and have a new team. My health has improved. I might have a new apartment. So everything is looking up!

The only downside is still the financial side of things. I've currently got $2 in the bank account and a few bills that are about to be overdue. I know I should be getting quite a bit of money in the upcoming weeks since there is EI (5 weeks of pay), plus my first pay cheque. And I just filed my tax return and it looks like I am getting $3500. But I have at least another week before I'll get any of it. It's still frustrating when you know that it will be there soon... but not soon enough. I just want to pay my bills... and am looking at getting a laptop and a futon. And I'd like to pay off my current debt to Steve. But at least I do know that I will have money coming in!

When it Rains...

When it rains it pours.... but this time in a good way. The money situation has been pretty stressful but it's finally looking up. I am still waiting for the EI to come in... and that will be about $1500. In 2 weeks I'll also be getting my first pay cheque. the best part is that I just filed my taxes and it looks like it will be my biggest refund ever... at $3500. So in the next couple of weeks I should have about $5800 coming in. I'll owe Steve about $700 but that still leaves me with quite a chunk of change to get back on my feet... Even better is that it's a three pay month so I will still get paid twice this month. And if I can actually get this web site completed I'll be in even better shape. Things are finally looking up.

I seem to be on a role. I am back at work so that was a plus. Also good news in who my new team leader was going to be. Christie and I go way back. I'm looking forward to working with her again. Not to say it's going to be an easy road but I will have less work to do... and no more team quizzes to write. I have mixed emotions about leaving the team I had come to know for 8 months... and heading into something new. To a certain degree it is about new beginnings on my return to work. It means that I can put past events behind me and work on building up a new team. At the same time I loved my team. I'm pretty stoked.

And the news gets better. There is a one bedroom coming available April 1 in the same building I am currently in. While I don't like the idea of moving again it will be better in a lot of respects. I won't have to worry about finding a roommate and will be back to something I hadn't seen in several years... my own freedom. It will be more money which is the only downside. But I really feel like I need this, especially now.

Quite a change for things to be going well. It's been a string of rough times. I learned to stop saying that things couldn't get any worse because it just kept getting worse. So I'll take the change of pace. My health is much better then it has been in a long time (overall any ways). I'm getting my independence back and moving to a one bedroom apartment. I'm back at work. I am looking forward to a new team. And then, of course, there is the money. Money always helps. And sure I lost money while I was off but this helps out. I might even be able to afford my laptop after all.

Could it get any better? Well I am sure it could... but I'm pretty happy with the way things are right now.

More Free Shit

Well okay it's not quite free... but it's al based on referals. For most of them you complete an offer and refer 10 people who also complete an offer. Then you get the item. A lot of the offers cost $1. Not a bad price to pay. The laptop does require 20 referals because of the cost involved.

For an XBox 360 click here
For a Ps3 click here
For a digital camera click here
For an iPod click here (only need to refer 5 people)
For the laptop click here

Something for everyone. Just wanted to pass it on... and hopefully get a couple of referals out of it.

Azrael

It's always nice to come home and have the cat greet you at the door and then curl up on your lap. At least Azrael lets me know I am loved and appreciated. He's my baby. And to think he was once psychotic and just attacked all the time. I was hesitant to take him when I moved. But he has really calmed down in the meantime. I think Azrael kept me sane during my time off. He gave me love, adoration, and someone to talk to.

Back to Work

Today was the first day back at work. 8 hours of SPT was more then enough fun, let me tell you. Otherwise it was pretty uneventful. Of course I had a few people ask me why I was off work but that was to be expected. I'm not sure I was entirely honest but I wasn't really lying either. A lot of people just said "Welcome back" and left it at that. Too bad most people are incredibly nosy and felt the need to ask. And now my life returns to normal. Pretty soon I will have a team again... altough I will have to go through the process of getting to know the agents again since it won't be my team. At the same time I always knew I wouldn't be with the same team forever. At least I know I was missed by my team so that's something :o) And I just have to make it through one more day of SPT.

At least being off gave me a chance to focus on my health. The fibromyalgia is now being treated. I've largely corrected the phase delayed sleep disorder. I upped my iron level to combat the anemia. Now I just need to get my dental work done. But that will be happening soon. I went with the enhanced dental plan at work so I now have 100% coverage and partial coverage for major treatments if they are necessary.

Things are finally looking up. Now I just need to find a new apartment and that will ease some stress. A relationship would also be nice but that one doesn't seem to be on the horizon. Oh well. One thing at a time. I've always got Azrael... who so far is not holding me going back to work against me. He was quite happy to see me when I came home and is currently curled up beside me on the couch. At least someone loves me and even better it's unconditional love.

Rent

After watching "Rent" with Steve he asked me why I had such an interest in homosexuality. I think he missed something in the meaning behind the film. In my movie collection I can't pick out any with homosexuality as being a central theme (well okay it is a theme in Rent... but I wouldn't necessarily pick it as the overall theme). Drug use is also represented, does that make me an addict? In terms of TV shows I like Six Feet Under... does that make me morbid and mean I have a fascination with death? I think he was basing it on the fact I have the first 4 seasons of Queer as Folk and will be buying Season 5 as soon as it is released. Showtime pushed the envelope and challenged societal norms. For once it wasn't a sitcom. I like shows, and movies that challenge you to think, to question society. I even got Adam hooked on Queer as Folk. I'm not sure I can explain why I enjoyed the show so much. When you think about it, how many dramas are there about human life and social interactions? Now that Queer as Folk is off the air if there are any I'm not watching them. It's a character driven drama. That was what made it appealing. A lot of shows stay away from the character development... but don't you ever wonder what they are doing when not at work? I don't think it was so much the fact it was about the gay lifestyle as it was the fact I was sucked in by the storylines. I also have a great deal of respect for the actors for taking on such a role.

I'm not rushing 0ut to see Brokebac Mountain. It has received a number of critical acclaims but to me it is just another story of forbidden love. I'm sure it is a good movie but it doesn't do much for me. Maybe I'll see it when it comes out but it's not high on my priority list.

Any ways... back to Rent. It is about a year in the life of eight friends. The biggest theme in the movie (to me any ways) is to live for the moment. It is about AIDS, homosexuality, drug abuse, homelessness, death and life. It doesn't shy away from the dfficult topics. Rent challenges you to think about life and what is important since it can all change in an instant. I identify most with Mark, the filmmaker. The one disappointment from the film is that they cut "Goodbye Love", a scene I (and other Rent fas) feel is pivotal to the movie. Columbus felt it was too emotional. In my opinion, following the outrage from devoted Rentheads, a director's cut should have been made available that includeed this scene. In it Roger and Mark fight and Roger calls Mark a hypocrite for preaching not to be numb when that's exactly what he is himself. For anyone that knows me, sound familiar? I think there is a lot to be said for living in the moment and not living a life of regrets. Life is too short for regrets.

"I don't own emotion - I rent" (Mark & Roger, from "What You Own")
"No day but today" (Mimi, from "Another Day")
"Forget regret, or life is yours to miss" (Mimi, from "Another Day")
"Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes. Five hundred twenty-five thousand moments so dear. Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes. How do you measure, measure a year? In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights in cups of coffee. In inches, in miles in laughter in strife. In five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes - how do you measure a year in the life? How about love? How about love? How about love? Measure in love... seasons of love." (Everyone, from "Seasons of Love")

My Own Personal Pharmacy

Since I had the visit with the psychiatrist I wanted to take inventory of what medications I was currently on. My cabinet is reminding me of a pharmacy at the moment. I have way too many pills I think. So here is the current list:

Trazodone (to help me sleep)
Penicillin (in case my tooth was infected)
Ibuprofen (for pain... didn't realize they made a prescripton strength)
Bacolofin (muscle relaxant for the TMJ)

Vitamins:

Iron
B-Complex
Multi-vitamin

Prescriptions I have but am not taking:

Percocets (Just think of the Cypress Hill song.. "I wanna get high")
Zoloft (Do I look depressed?)
Oxazapam (Highly addictive sleepmedication)


So I went from no medical care for 4 years and barely being on medications at all... to a cabinet filled with prescription drugs. Welcome to the world of modern medicine. We have a pill for whatever ails you. Take1 (or 2) and call me in the morning.

Moving

Looks like I'll be moving May 1 :o( I thought once I was done school I would stop moving annually. Since I moved to Peterborough this will be the 4th time I've moved. I'd really like to get settled somewhere. Now the upside is that I can look for a one bedroom and actually have a place to myself. That would be nice. The downside is timing. Right now I really can't afford to be apartment hunting. I can't even afford to pay bills, or rent... so where am I going to come up with first and last? But I don't have a choice since my roommate is handing in his notice and I can't afford to be on the lease by myself. I don't have $875 to spend a month on rent. I'd consider a one bedroom here but it's pretty expensive. I guess we'll see what happens.

What's Holding You Back?

Most of us have stopped following our dreams at some point along the way and are now just working for a living... often in a job that we don't even really like. I'm not saying I hate my job but it's definitely not what I would call my dream job. I think we can identify reasons why and the following is obviously not a complete list.

Money

The all mighty dollar. Money can play a role on two fronts. For one, we need to be able to pay bills. I've been on welfare and it's not an experience I would want to go back to. But money can also hold us back from following our dreams. Maybe your dream is to open your own business. This takes planning and capital. But at the same time some people never look into what is needed to pursue their dreams and just assume it's not possible.

Fear

It can take courage to follow your dreams. For many there is a fear, especially of failure. So we stay in safety instead of stepping outside the comfort zone. We work that 9 to 5 job and don't take any chances. It's easy to just go with the flow and stay in a job.

Doubt

We may doubt our own abilities... might even have doubts about what it is we really want. And these doubts end up holding us back. Not to say this is my "big rock" but a while back I did have someone ask me why I doubted myself so much. Even though I know I can do the job I do end up second guessing myself.


Past

As Nietzsche said "Man... cannot learn to forget, but hangs on the past: however far or fast he runs, that chain runs with him." It is really easy to use the past as an excuse. It's like a crutch whenever something happens. According to Allwords defintions of the past include: "Referring to an earlier time; over; finished; former; and previous". It's over yet we still cling to it and don't always move forward. I still remember when I was finishing up my time at Western. I had to complete a writing test. I ended up doing so well I got a certificate for writing proficiency. My mom told me, "I always knew you could write." I remember thinking to myself, "Why didn't you ever tell me that? It might have changed what I did with my life." Yes I've always enjoyed writing and maybe knowing that would have changed things... but at the same time... if it was my dream then I have to choose not to let anyone stand in my way.

So my question for you (if you're not following your dreams any ways) is, what is holding you back?

Movie Reviews

Okay so I really wouldn't call them reviews... but I have been watching more movies recently then I had been in quite a while so I thought I'd give my thoughts on them.

Transporter 2

This is definitely a brainless action flick and not exactly believeable. I enjoyed it more the first time I saw it. But the firehose fight scene makes the movie. Good movie if you want some fight scenes and a movie that does not require any thought.

Lord of War

More of a desert movie. I didn't expect to enjoy this movie but I actually did. The opening was pretty original. It's not the kind of movie that you would watch repeatedly but I do enjoy movies that make me think. Would be a good movie for the media studies course on war I took in university.

Domino

This movie is more like a music video on acid. It was a decent action flick... again that's assuming you want something that won't be thought provoking. You only get the occassional glimpse into Domino's life and they left out a lot of the character development since most of the movie is based on one job. And they truly took some liberties in this film. They didn't even bother to address the heroin addiction or the fact she was arrested for drug trafficking. Obviously, the film didn't extend to her death of a fetanyl overdose. And to sell the movie they used Kiera Knightley and threw in Edgar Ramirez as Choco. But this is Hollywood after all... so if you're not looking at it as a biography it is entertaining.

Saw 2

Saw 2 was a bit of a disappointment. It reminded me a bit of Cube. It was pretty predictible. Not a bad movie but not nearly as good as the original. One of the problems of sequels is that they generally do not live up to the first one.

Rent

I have been waiting for Rent for a very long time. I'm not sure I ever thought I'd see the day when I wanted to see a musical. Not even sure why I identify so much with it since the main story is about AIDS and homosexuality in New York's east village. Loosely based on "La vie Boheme" it began as a Broadway musical. I guess part of the attraction is the fact it's not mainstream and is not something that too many directors would even touch. I'm a little disappointed that they left the song "Hallowe'en" out of it but otherwise I do think it was well done.

Now I'll end it with a quote from Rent, "Forget regret, or life is yours to miss."

TMJ

Well I am no longer stoned on Percocets. Even better, I don't need to get any of my teeth extracted. I went to see the dentist on Monday since I was in agony. Turns out it was actually a problem with my jaw. My TMJ has been aggravated. I'm not sure it's ever hurt this bad. It's been bugging me off and on for a while. I can feel the muscles tensing and twitching perodically. When your jaw closes it's approximately 25 pounds of pressure. The TMJ is made worse from stress and the fact I clench my teeth. Posture is also related. Sitting on the couch watching TV for hours is definitely not helping that. As a result the top vertebrae is out of place and has pulled one side of my jaw out of place. That led to overcompensation and more pain. Looking back I am thinking that I should've taken the dentist up on the offer for painkillers. But I was thinking he'd give me more percocets and that was the last thing I wanted. Naproxen (a muscle relaxant), on the other hand, would be good and has worked in the past to reduce/relieve the pain of TMJ. Hopefully when I go to the chiropractor tomorrow she can help me. Last time I was there she was talking about lasers or acupuncture to relieve the pain. I just hope the pain goes away soon.

Sound of Silence

Maybe I am just too used to being at home, alone and enjoying the sound of silence. Or maybe it's the fact I never was one for small talk. But if I am watching TV, or a movie then let me focus on that. Just because I am here doesn't mean I want random conversations or to talk about trivial shit. I haven't been at work for 6 weeks... so I REALLY do not want to hear about the calls you had today. Okay, I'll make excepion for really interesting calls but every time Steve walks in the door I hear about how hot it is at work (I got the point the first time... didn't need to hear it on every break today). I also don't particularly care that the leak in the ceiling is still there. I'm sure the fact I can barely speak right now on account of pain is not helping any and is making me grouchy but right now I just want to watch my movie in peace and quiet. I almost paused the movie I was watching earlier so that I didn't miss anything and he didn't ruin the experience for me. All right I am done sounding off for now.

Freedom of Speech

During my time off work there have been rumours as to why I am off. No real surprise there. Everyone loves the latest gossip. For the most part that isn't a big deal. But a team leader approached my roommate in the smoking area to ask how I was doing and another team leader seemed to know more about the situation then was public knowledge. I ended up asking Karen (from HR) how many people were supposed to know why I was off work since, as far as I knew, it was confidential. And I don't appreciate it being discussed in public. She told me it was confidential and raised the possibility that since a couple of people from my team had access to my blog that maybe that is where it was coming from. At the time there were only 5 people from work that even knew I had a blog, including my team leader who is not allowed to say anything. Steve has never even checked it out. Val is not allowed to say anything. And that leaves two people, both on my team. I highly doubt that the team leaders in question found out from either of those people. So I moved all the posts to another blog located here. Whatever happened to freedom of speech though? Why do I feel like I have to censor what I say? When I return to work it's not like people aren't going to ask me why I was off.

Next question... why am I made to feel bad about the whole situation? I feel like I have done something wrong and shouldn't say anything. If they really do think I am suffering from depression then isolating me and not allowing me to talk to anyone is just going to make it worse.

So now we have lies, blackmail and censorship during my time off. I had the blog so that people could find out what was going on and how I was doing. It has been a rough 5 weeks but I have nothing to hide. Until recently I hadn't even mentioned the cutting so the most anyone from work would've got out of it was that the doctor thought I was depressed... how many times I had been to the doctor, what medication I was on, etc. I don't see anything bad about that. It's just honesty. I've got nothing to be ashamed of and there is nothing I want to hide about it. Well okay, I don't want to discuss cutting with my agents... but even then it has been almost 10 months now so it's not an issue.

"Section 2(b) of the Charter states that "Everyone has the following fundamental freedoms: ... freedom of thought, belief, opinion and expression, including freedom of the press and other media of communication."

Freedom of expression is a cornerstone of a functioning democracy. Freedom of expression promotes certain societal values, as noted by Professor Emerson in 1963: "Maintenance of a system of free expression is necessary (1) as assuring individual self-fulfillment, (2) as a means of attaining the truth, (3) as a method of securing participation by the members of the society in social, including political, decision-making, and (4) as maintaining the balance between stability and change in society." Our constitutional commitment to free speech is predicated on the belief that a free society cannot function with coercive legal censorship in the hands of persons supporting one ideology who are motivated to use the power of the censor to suppress opposing viewpoints." (http://www.constitutional-law.net/expression.html)

My Second Home

Yep I was back at the ER last night. Pretty soon they are going to think I am a hypochondriac or have a factitious disorder. But for now they are doing well for stocking my medicine cabinet. After years of no doctor and no medications I currently have 5 different prescriptions sitting in the cupboard. So what prompted last night's visit? I've been avoiding the dentist for a long time now... looks like I really should have got my teeth checked out before now. The pain got so bad I was clenching my teeth all the time and making the pain worse. I was at the chiropractor's yesterday and she couldn't even unclench my jaw. I could barely eat. So in spite of the freezing rain last night I was back at the ER. At least it wasn't busy so I was only there for about 30 minutes instead of my usual 4 hours. They gave me penicillin and percocets and told me to go see a dentist.

Right now I feel like I am stoned. I'm not sure whether it's because the Fibromyalgia makes me sensitive to medication... or perhaps the fact I only weigh 90 pounds.... but the meidcation seems to be little potent. I talked to the pharmacist and she said I could cut the dose in half and see if that works. I like the pain relief... but it's actually tensing up my back and my hands are shaking.

In other news next week I will still be trying to get ahold of Dr. Caskey to fill out the medical certificate so I can get that to EI before they deny my claim. And I'll be seeing the psychiatrist and hoping that he clears me to return to work. I don't see any reason why he won't but stranger things have been known to happen. I am not suffering from depression, have the anemia under control and am being treated for the fibromyalgia. So... I should be able to go back to work and will actually be healthier then I have been in a very long time.

The chronotherapy seems to be working as well. I am definitely glad not to be doing that any longer but I am actually getting up in the morning. And for those of you that knew me years ago... since when did I get up in the morning even then? So this is kind of new for me. It's been challenging to adjust my day, especially since I am off work. I don't have a whole lot to do. Lately I've been watching some of the Olympics and just relaxing which is a good thing for me.

No words of wisdom, or deep thoughts, from me at the moment. Maybe once my brain is not in a fog and overmedicated. For now I am going to go have a shower and then start thinking about the web site I need to design.

Trial by Fire

I think that calling it a "trial by fire" is the best way to describe the beginning of 2006. As much as I was at peace with being off work and looked at the benefits (getting a family doctor, treating the fibromyalgia, working on getting healthy, chronotherapy to change my sleep patterns) right now I am starting to feel anger again. A lot of that could be the stress from finances as I mentioned already. It has cost me a great deal to be off work.

I don't agree with the way it was handled by work... or by the doctors. Yes, I was having some performance issues at work. One of them was my sales. Sales have always been a weak point for me, that's nothing new. Been there for over 3 years and I've never been able to consistently make the sales quota. As for my tone on calls I can think of a few reasons for that. The biggest one is the fatigue. I was tired all of the time and was having difficulty with thought process. I got a verbal warning after my team leader listened to the end of a call... she didn't even hear the beginning of it. Whatever... When they forced me to take a leave of absence from work I was told that since I had given away a knife to a coworker so I wouldn't be tempted to go back to the self-injury I was considered a "threat to myself or others" and would need to be cleared by a doctor to return to work. I found out later I had the right to refuse the LOA but they did not tell me that. It wasn't until I went to the doctor that he said it was because of "my performance issues at work, numerous physical complaints, and the fact I brought a knife to work." Nothing like stacking the deck against me. I have fibromyalgia so, of course, there are going to be a number of physical complaints. Aside from when I was forced to go home on account of pain I didn't use it as an excuse not to do my job. Giving the knife to a coworker was a bad call, no argument from me there. But that does not mean I am a threat to anyone... and if I was considered to be such a threat to myself why did it take so long to act on it? And why did they allow me to just go home? Obviously, I wasn't really a threat to myself then. See also my post on the Bill of Rights for Those Who Self-Harm.

Then there was the treating physician, Dr. Caskey. First, he told me that fibromyalgia is typically a symptom of a psychiatric disorder. I guess we're back to the idea that it's all in your head... despite what the research has shown. He felt I must be depressed and that giving the knife away was a "cry for help." No... now if I had gone back to the cutting that might be true but I hadn't. I got rid of it to remove the temptation. Then he wanted me to go to the hospital to get a diganosis of depression and put on medication so that I could return to work. He blackmailed me into it by making psychiatric treatment a condition of clearing me to return to work. Then turned around and did not allow me to return to work... and now seems to be stalling with the medical certificate. I feel like having a little chat with him right about now. But I did what i was told... played up every negative aspect of my life and got the script for Zoloft. Since he didn't clear me to return to work any ways that was a mistake. Put my health in jeopardy and then my mental health.

While I was off I went to the walk-in clinic to try and get a referral to a rheumatologist. Since I was still under the assumption that Dr. Caskey was going to allow me to return to work, now that I was medicated (or so they thought any ways), I didn't ask about going back to work. In hindsight I probably should've. He told me that no one in Peterborough would treat fibromyalgia cases. Ever feel like you're fighting a losing war? By this point I sure did.

Then work told me that I had not been cleared to return to work and would not be coming back until the follow-up visit with the psychiatrist... more blackmail. Since I wasn't on any medication it was time for my third trip to the hospital... and time to be honest about my motivations for saying what I did the first time around. I get the impression they thought I was lying or in denial. They refused to allow me to return to work but did change the medication... to a Benzodiazapine that I became addicted to.

Getting an idea of how much of a nightmare the last 5 weeks have been? They weren't even treating the right thing the entire time. At this point I finally decided to locate a family doctor and seek treatment outside of Peterborough. Ended up with a doctor in Pickering. It was the first time I was validated by someone in the medical community. He acknowledged that fibromyalgia was real and that he would refer me to a rheumatologist so that it could be treated properly. Finally getting somewhere... I saw him earlier this week. He took me off the Oxazapam and put me on Trazadone for the sleep. Now that I am on my third medication in 5 weeks... but it's a step in the right direction.

Interestingly enough, the best medical advice has come from my chiropractor. She mentioned that I may not be getting enough iron and even though I was taking a supplement the medication may be counteracting it. So I went and talked to a pharmacist. She recommended increasing the level of iron, as well as the dosage. As soon as I did that I noticed quite a difference. I have a LOT more energy now and am not sleeping for 12 hours a day and still feeling exhausted. So what they needed to do from the start was actually do some tests which would've revealed the anemia (I am a walking medical textbook case *lol*) and had they treated that, along with the sleep I would've been better off.

The last step came from me when I went through the chronotherapy. It was undoubtedly one of the most brutal things I've gone through. I didn't think it was going to be so rough. I also didn't think it would be so bad that I would hit the point where I was so tired I would start hallucinating. But any ways... that is now over and I am actually on a better sleep schedule. I am still tired but in time that should improve.

To recap: the high points have come from a doctor in Pickering, my chiropractor, and my decision to go through chronotherapy while I was off. But if you ask Dr. Caskey it's all just depression. As Adam said, "If they want to diagnose you with depression then they can diagnose us all at one point or another." We all go through bad times... it's part of life. The low points are the way work treated the self-injury, followed by the treatment from the physician and the psychiatrists. What did I learn? Don't say anything to anyone at work... it just comes back to bite you in the ass.... and if you need treatment seek it outside of Peterborough.

Favazza (1998) states, quite definitively, that

. . . self-mutilation is distinct from suicide. Major reviews have upheld this distinction. . . A basic understanding is that a person who truly attempts suicide seeks to end all feelings whereas a person who self-mutilates seeks to feel better. p. 262.

If you follow that... I was not a threat to myself and should not have been forced to take time off work on account of the self-injury. They never even asked me about it or got my opinion on the situation. Then to be blackmailed into psychiatric treatment. I feel violated by that fact. My parents can't even force treatment on me and I should have had the right to refuse treatment. But since I do want to return to work I did not have a choice but to go along with it. I guess it's no wonder I feel angry, betrayed.

Stress Free Diet

1 part rest
1 part relaxation
1 part supportive people around you

Stir and serve

Okay so I wish it was that easy. I'm currently reminded of the old addage, "Money is the root of all evil." Well in my case... it may not be evil... but it certainly is stress. I'm still trying to get the medical certificate from the doctor and he seems to be taking his time getting back to me. I've been off work for 5 weeks now without any source of income and I need that piece of paper to claim my EI. I'd really like the money so I can pay rent... and go to the dentist. Got a cavity that is becoming quite painful and I'd like it taken care of.

On top of that Steve announced that I should maybe be looking for a new place to live since he can't afford to continue paying rent here. Hmm... if I am moving out I've got 2 weeks before my notice has to be in. I can't afford to pay my bills as it is where am I going to get first and last from? While I was considering moving to a one bedroom I wanted to give it a few months and since I am not at work it's hard to try and find a roommate for me. Not to mention the fact Steve's room looks more like a storage unit then a bedroom. So I've been scared to show it to anyone. And I really don't want to be moving again. I've already moved 3x since I got to Peterborough. That wasn't how I wanted to start my day.

All my stress right now comes from the financial side of things. Being off work for so long is going to wind up costing me about $2000. Since my EI has not been approved so far the lack of an income is really starting to hurt. Fortunately, I did some work on Adam's computer so he will be giving me money and I have a web site to design that will also bring in some money.... just not enough to actually make ends meet. As much as I am trying to relax it's not that easy.

Chronotherapy

I'm not sure who thought this was a good idea... but since I was feeling better after taking the iron I thought I'd try it. The goal of chronotherapy is to push bedtime back by 3 hours a night until it gets to midnight (or whenever you want your bedtime to be). Sounds easy.... and with my sleep pattern I was halfway there. I do have more energy with the iron but waking up at 8:00 p.m. like I did yesterday, or 11:00 tonight is rough. I just feel out of sync from the get-go. Fortunately, in a few days it will be done and I will have hopefully reset my circadian rhythms. Not sure it's going to help me become a morning person *lol* but at least it will make it easier to go to bed at midnight when I do have to return to work. So in 18 hours I can go back to bed... sweet dreams.

Self Injury Awareness Day (SIAD)

Now for a little more honest glimpse into my life. The title says a lot. For years I have struggled with self injury. You learn to hide the scars, and the pain and remain silent. I learned to cut where the scars could be concealed. I lied to people and I hurt the people that were close to me. But since the temptation to return to the cutting after 9 months is part of the reason I am on the leave of absence from work I am breaking that silence and opening up about it.

We all cope in different ways... and if we wanted to be honest with ourselves there is always at least one negative coping mechanism. Maybe it's that bowl of ice cream that we get when under stress... or maybe it's the bottom of a bottle. Whatever it is... we have all these tendencies. But we wouldn't do them if they weren't reinforcing. There's a pay off somewhere.

The subject of sef-injury tends to have shock value and almost seems to be taboo. It also tends to conjure up images of a mental illness because no one in their right mind would willingly cut themselves would they? When I had to see the doctor he said it was "A cry for help" and associated it with suicide. I had given away the knife so I would not be tempted to use it, not because I wanted to spend time with a shrink and be put on anti-depressants. At the time I was under a great deal of stress with my roommate and with work. I was also exhausted and never felt rested... I was basically a walking zombie. Add stress to that and I was a pressure cooker.

Back to the pay-off for self-injury. For me, any ways, it has a calming effect. In many ways it's a way to escape. It allows me to avoid feeling the emotional side of things because suddenly you have to focus on the physical. But it is also a trap. Because there is such a stigma with it as soon as you self-injure there is a tremendous amount of guilt and shame. Quickly you feel those emotions again and return to the cutting.

The first time I quit it was for 3 years. But it always stays with you... always in the back of your mind. And any time you get stressed you think about it. When Adam and I split up I didn't handle it so well. I wasn't sleeping, was still living with him and was trying to just get by... but wasn't really coping very well. So I ended up back where I started. I told someone about it and they freaked, tried to control the behaviour. Made me feel like a rat in a cage. So I cut deeper and more times. Just before I moved out I stopped again and haven't cut since then. But the temptation remains. One day at a time. It's all I can do. And here I thought removing the temptations was a good thing... instead it gets me 2 months off work.

Before I start the next paragraph I am going to add a disclaimer. I am not pro self-injury and am not going out and buying a black and blue bracelet to show my support for the behaviour. Nor will I ever post pictures of the scars. However, I do believe that I should be allowed to cope in whatever way I need to. The reality is that I am more likely to accidentally kill myself with alcohol then I am with a knife. I've had alcohol poisoning a couple of times now and not once did I ever go to the hospital. Yet people are okay with me having a drink to escape. It's more socially acceptable. In fact, I have had people tell me to get drunk every night since I am on an LOA and there's nothing work can do. If I am a genuine threat to myself (or to someone else) then you have a right to force me into treatment... but until then I believe I should have that choice and the right to refuse treatment. Not have psychiatric treatment be a condition on me returning to work. That's blackmail. And my ability to work is not related to the cutting. It may be related to the stress but it is mainly because of the fatigue. As it turns out the fatigue is not related to a psychiatric disorder... but untreated anemia. I can thank the chiropractor for that one. I felt 1000x better after increasing my daily dosage of iron. I went from barely being able to move off the couch and having no energy at all... to being able to function again.

Any ways... March 1 is Self Injury Awareness Day. While it is not recognized if you know someone that self-injures, or injure yourself show your support that day and wear an orange ribbon or bracelet. The colours typically associated with self-injury are:
Orange: Still self injuring
Orange & White: In recovery
White: Friends and family who understand

And for those that think self-injury is way out there... millions of people self-injure. The estimates may be as high as 1 in 4. Chances are you know someone who injures themselves. If you want more information feel free to contact me... or do a search on Google. There are a number of web sites out there and a number of books on the subject.

The assumption is that the alternative to self-injury is "acting normally," but on the contrary . . . the alternative to self-injury is total loss of control and possibly suicide. It becomes a forced choice from among limited options.
Solomon and Farrand (1996)

A Bill of Rights for Those Who Self-Harm

1. The right to caring, humane medical treatment.
   Self-injurers should receive the same level and quality of care that a person presenting with an identical but accidental injury would receive. Procedures should be done as gently as they would be for others. If stitches are required, local anesthesia should be used. Treatment of accidental injury and self-inflicted injury should be identical.

2. The right to participate fully in decisions about emergency psychiatric treatment (so long as no one's life is in immediate danger).
   When a person presents at the emergency room with a self-inflicted injury, his or her opinion about the need for a psychological assessment should be considered. If the person is not in obvious distress and is not suicidal, he or she should not be subjected to an arduous psych evaluation. Doctors should be trained to assess suicidality/homicidality and should realize that although referral for outpatient follow-up may be advisable, hospitalization for self-injurious behavior alone is rarely warranted.

3. The right to body privacy.
   Visual examinations to determine the extent and frequency of self-inflicted injury should be performed only when absolutely necessary and done in a way that maintains the patient's dignity. Many who SI have been abused; the humiliation of a strip-search is likely to increase the amount and intensity of future self-injury while making the person subject to the searches look for better ways to hide the marks.

4. The right to have the feelings behind the SI validated.
   Self-injury doesn't occur in a vacuum. The person who self-injures usually does so in response to distressing feelings, and those feelings should be recognized and validated. Although the care provider might not understand why a particular situation is extremely upsetting, she or he can at least understand that it *is* distressing and respect the self-injurer's right to be upset about it.

5. The right to disclose to whom they choose only what they choose.
   No care provider should disclose to others that injuries are self-inflicted without obtaining the permission of the person involved. Exceptions can be made in the case of team-based hospital treatment or other medical care providers when the information that the injuries were self-inflicted is essential knowledge for proper medical care. Patients should be notified when others are told about their SI and as always, gossiping about any patient is unprofessional.

6. The right to choose what coping mechanisms they will use.
   No person should be forced to choose between self-injury and treatment. Outpatient therapists should never demand that clients sign a no-harm contract; instead, client and provider should develop a plan for dealing with self-injurious impulses and acts during the treatment. No client should feel they must lie about SI or be kicked out of outpatient therapy. Exceptions to this may be made in hospital or ER treatment, when a contract may be required by hospital legal policies.

7. The right to have care providers who do not allow their feelings about SI to distort the therapy.
   Those who work with clients who self-injure should keep their own fear, revulsion, anger, and anxiety out of the therapeutic setting. This is crucial for basic medical care of self-inflicted wounds but holds for therapists as well. A person who is struggling with self-injury has enough baggage without taking on the prejudices and biases of their care providers.

8. The right to have the role SI has played as a coping mechanism validated.
   No one should be shamed, admonished, or chastised for having self-injured. Self-injury works as a coping mechanism, sometimes for people who have no other way to cope. They may use SI as a last-ditch effort to avoid suicide. The self-injurer should be taught to honor the positive things that self-injury has done for him/her as well as to recognize that the negatives of SI far outweigh those positives and that it is possible to learn methods of coping that aren't as destructive and life-interfering.

9. The right not to be automatically considered a dangerous person simply because of self-inflicted injury.
   No one should be put in restraints or locked in a treatment room in an emergency room solely because his or her injuries are self-inflicted. No one should ever be involuntarily committed simply because of SI; physicians should make the decision to commit based on the presence of psychosis, suicidality, or homicidality.

10. The right to have self-injury regarded as an attempt to communicate, not manipulate.
    Most people who hurt themselves are trying to express things they can say in no other way. Although sometimes these attempts to communicate seem manipulative, treating them as manipulation only makes the situation worse. Providers should respect the communicative function of SI and assume it is not manipulative behavior until there is clear evidence to the contrary.

© 1998-2001 Deb Martinson.

I've Been Tagged

Since I've been tagged (thanks Suzanne) I guess I better reply... It would've been nicer to be doing the random facts one but any ways... here goes...

Four Jobs I've Had:

What, me work?
Performance coach at Minacs
Security in London for Securitas
Rental agent in London at my old apartment building
Assistant in the Registrar's office at Huron University College

Four Movies I Could Watch Over and Over Again:

Mr. & Mrs. Smith
Ever After
Bourne Identity
Vertical Limit

Four Places I've Lived:

Cobourg, ON
Camborne, Ontario
London, ON
Peterborough, ON

Four TV Shows I Watch:

Criminal Minds
CSI
Lost
Survivor

Four Places I've Been on Vacation:

Maritimes
Florida
Mexico
British Columbia

Four Web Sites I Visit Daily:

Red Flag Deals
Amazon
Future Shop
Blogspot

Four Blogs I Visit Daily

Suzanne
Sarah
Lesley
Val

Four Favourite Foods:

Does McDonald's count?
Steak (from the Keg any ways)
Pizza
Mozza sticks
Chips and spinach dip

Four Places I'd Rather Be:

Anywhere in the Carribean
Soaking in a hot tub
Chilling at Tammy's
The land down under... or New Zealand

Four Charities I'd Give Bucketloads of Money To:

Joyful Heart Foundation
RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network)
Elizabeth Glaser Pediatric AIDS Foundation
LifeSIGNS (Self Injury Guidance and Network Support)

Four Tagged People:

Umm... most people I know have already done this or don't blog at all...
So I guess Val you're it
And anyone else reading this that has not already been tagged

And that is all she wrote... unless someone gives me new questions to answer.

Cheers

When it Rains it Pours

Just when I think something might go my way it blows up in my face... I was expecting money back from my student loan since I qualified for interest relief. After talking to the bank they denied the request. They said that the money came out for November and December's payment. Now the one I understand... I hadn't applied for interest relief. But according to the student loan center I had been approved for December. That means that I should not have been paying anything for it. But the banks ruling is that I'm not getting the money back. So with $29 left in my bank account somehow I am supposed to make a miracle happen. I am not as concerned with a late payment for my credit cards... but I still need to be able to pay rent for March and have no idea when my EI claim will go through since the doctor is still on vacation. My guess would be mid-March for that one. Starting to feel the effects of not working for a month. When it rains it pours.

MIA

Looks like when I don't post anything for a few days people get concerned and start wondering if I am okay. At least I know people care *lol* The RAM clip broke on the computer and we ended up getting it replaced. There was some downtime there in between computers, since I had stripped my old one already. On the weekend I was watching/recording the latest UFC PPV event. I still had a couple of DVDs to finish for Tammy. At this point I haven't even gotten around to putting my data back on the computer. That's still on my list of things to do.

Yesterday I went over to Tammy's when she got off work. Watched some UFC and just relaxed... something I haven't done enough of. It was nice to get out of the house for a while, even if Azrael was pissed at me when I came home. A change of scenery never hurts. Not to mention the fact Tammy has been one of the few positive forces since I went on the LOA at work.

Looks like I'm not the only one with computer problems this week. Adam's computer won't post currently. He dropped it off tonight so I can take a look at it. I have the time and the parts to test it. Also gives me something to do. Idle hands are the devil's playground. Okay so I really haven't been getting myself into trouble... it just sounded good. Watching way too much TV lately.

But for all those concerned I am no longer MIA. I just haven't really had much of a chance to post... and not a whole lot to say. The last week has been pretty much like every other, with the exception of hanging out with Tammy and Wayne. For now though bed time...

Cheers

Light of Day

For the first time in over a month I actually was outside in the morning... even better I was awake during the morning hours. Steve said Tammy was brave for daring to wake me up in the morning. I'll be the first to admit that I am not a morning person and since I am currently not at work I have no reason to be up. My first day shift is going to be rough. So I saw daylight for a little while. Then I went back to bed. I didn't get much sleep last night. I didn't take my medication since I knew I wasn't getting 8 hours of sleep so I really paid the price for it.

Azrael snubbed me when I did get home this morning. After spending the night at Tammy's he wanted his revenge... that lasted all of 10 minutes, which is an eternity in the memory of a cat. Then he was back to wanting love and adoration. He even decided my stomach made a good pillow. Yep back to his usual self.

Chaordic

I'm back to thinking about the need for balance. In everyone's life there is elements of both chaos and order. For follower's of Jung the conscious ego is order, while the collective unconscious is chaos. According to modern chaos theory, seeds of order are imbedded in chaos and vice versa, seeds of chaos are imbedded in order. Can't have one without the other.

According to Wikipedia, the term chaordic "is used in some philosophies to refer to a system that is simultaneously chaotic and ordered. The term was coined by Dee Hock.

The combination of chaos and order is typically described as a harmonious coexistence displaying characteristics of both, with neither chaotic nor ordered behavior dominating. Some people hold that nature is largely organized in such a manner; in particular, living organisms and the evolutionary process by which they arose are often described by adherents to such a philosophy as chaordic in nature. Chaordic systems have also been proposed as a possible approach to consensus decision-making that would be neither hierarchical nor anarchic."

It's about peace and harmony. Balance

Trip to BC

Still contemplating that trip to BC. As Suzanne said, not going to get too many chances at a free vacation. But there are still a few roadblocks. I need something done with the medical certificate so that I can get paid for my time off. And tomorrow I am going to see a real doctor. I am going out of town to go see an actual family doctor. I have no idea what he will say or do... but it gives me hope. He can refer me to a specialist... maybe even do some bloodwork to see if there is a medical reason for the fatigue. The doctor even has the power to clear me to return to work. So, for now, the trip to BC is on hold, at least until after I see the doctor and get his opinion.

While I am on an LOA having digital cable is really handy... Mind you I seem to wind up watching A&E or the World Series of Poker. Now there are other shows I watch, like CSI, Criminal Minds, the UFC, and 24 but they are only on once a week. I should really watch a movie... or get back to playing the PS2 but right now I am being pretty lazy. Besides Criminal Minds will be on at 9.

And tomorrow it is time for that road trip. Road trip... road trip.... Okay so it's not that exciting a road trip but hey it is still a trip out of Peterborough. I think I'm also looking for a sound card while I am out of town. Might as well make use of the day. And the Toronto area offers a lot more options for cheaper computer parts. So we'll see what tomorrow holds.

The Twilight Zone

Ever feel like you're living in the twilight zone? Right now I almost feel that way. I'm not really awake... feel more like a zombie right now. But life feels like it's this surreal environment. It doesn't feel real. Of course with the show it was really just a morality tale... so what is the moral of this story? Ask me when it's over.

Fibro's Back with a Vengeance

Until today I don't think I had realized how much better I had been doing compared to where I was 4 years ago. I'd forgotten just how much pain I was in. And now it's back... I guess I really shouldn't be surprised by the flare-up and should consider myself lucky that overall it has been manageable for the last 4 years. The current flare-up could have been brought on by any number of factors: the medications, irregular sleep patterns, not getting enough exercise, stress, etc. For anyone that doesn't have a chronic pain condition count yourself lucky. They say fibromyalga is the "invisible disease" because you don't appear sick. You're just in constant pain and low on energy. I keep cracking my back hoping for some relief of the pain but since it's not in the joints it doesn't help. For most of the day I was curled up with Azrael on the couch. It hurt too much to do anything else. Been a long time since I hurt like this. I'm hoping it's short lived since, as I've already been told no doctor in Peterborugh will treat it. Without a family doctor I can't go see a specialist either. It's a no win situation. All I can hope is that tomorrow is a better day, with less pain than today.

Twist of Fate

It turned out to be a bit of a weird day... It started out normal enough... I slept in and when I woke up started working on a DVD. My average day. I called my sister to check in, forgetting that she was updated with my blog any ways. Then I figured I should call my dad since he didn't know I was even off work. So I updated him... and he offered me a vacation to BC. It wasn't quite the tropical vacation I'd been hoping for but it would still be a vacation... a chance to get away. I'm not sure why I am having a tough time with this decision. It should be an easy one. I love BC. I'd also see family I haen't seen in a few years. I should be jumping on the opportunity for a free trip.

My first concern is that I need to get all the medical information for my EI claim and that is a bit of a challenge. The doctor didn't give me a medical certificate. As soon as I get that I can mail it in with my Record of Employment and then just wait for the EI cheque. So that should be resolved in the near future, I hope.

Secondly, I am hoping to do some work for Chaord Studios while I am off. I've been making some UFC DVDs but those are just for entertainment. I'm also planning to make one with the pictures of my niece. At some point I also have to create a web site but that will hopefully only take me a few days to complete. Even better would be them having the money for it. That would make it easier to pay bills.

Then there is Azrael. I know Steve would take care of him but he is still my baby. I'm used to being with him every day and knowing that while I sleep he'll be on the bed beside me. It's comforting. As I have said before who needs a therapist when you have a cat...

There's also the longshot of a cancellation with the psychiatrist. If someone cancels then I might be able to get in sooner and be cleared to go back to work. This is unlikely since it takes 6-8 weeks to get an appointment. I can't see people not going. But I suppose anything is possible.

I know I should take the opportunity for a vacation and head out west but I am still a little reluctant. I'm not even sure why I am hesitant and not jumping at the chance. C'mon a free trip out west. Who wouldn't jump at that? I'm definitely going to give it some thought in the next couple of days and make a decision.

Delayed Phase Sleep Disorder

One of these days though I should really go to bed before 4:00 a.m. Not because I actually have to be up in the morning but eventually I will. The fact my circadian rhythms are out of whack probably don't help with the fatigue either. It's what's known as delayed phase sleep disorder (DPSD). Basically I go to bed later then most people and then wake up later. We all knew I'm not a morning person. *lol* Just give me caffeine and I am good to go. Working days always takes a toll on me. Obviously that is not a concern at the moment. Developed DPSD when I was a teenager. Maybe it was about teenage rebellion. My parents hated me sleeping in. Or maybe it was the fact late at night was the one time there was peace and quiet at home... no fighting. I've definitely learned it is hard to change circadian rhyhtms. Had difficulty making it to class in the morning. For two years I was able to work nights and never did adjust to working days.

There are a few treatments out there for DPSD. One of them is benzodiazapines but their effectiveness is unknown. My guess is that it works because it knocks you out so it doesn't change your sleep pattern... just keeps you asleep so you can function during the day. Just a guess though.

Next up is melatonin. It is a hormone that is used to advance sleep phase. It's effectiveness is up for debate. The other problem with melatonin is that it is not available in Canada and has not been approved. You can, however, order it from the states and it is legal. My psych professor back in university actually got me some at one point as a test.

There's also chronotherapy. Basically you go to bed three hours later and wake up three hours later each night until you change your sleep patterns. Takes about a week and is pretty effective. I haven't tried this treatment yet. I'm not sure my roommate would let me sleep during the day. I suppose if I combine it with the Benzos then it might work. Might be something to try before I do return to work.

The other course of treatment is light therapy. Early morning exposure to bright lights alters your sleep patterns so that you go to sleep earlier. Basically it mimics the sunlight. Light therapy is also used to treat seasonal affective disorder. Unfortunately, the light boxes are pretty expensive and are not covered by insurance. Fortunately, for me, my roommate has access to a small one. I'm not sure how crazy I am about waking up at 8:00 a.m. and staring at a bright light for an hour. It would be one thing if I had something to do in the morning but I find if I have nothing to do and am bored then I get tired and go back to bed.

It's now 1:00 a.m. and aside from the usual fatigue I am not really tired. Hmm... wonder what I can do to make myself tired. Well, I still have some textbooks from university. I'm pretty sure they can cure insomnia, especially the ones for my stats class. I have way too much energy right now. I actually wish I had the space for a treadmill in my apartment. Been a long time since I had that thought since with the Fibro I don't usually have any energy. So I guess this is a good sign. The only bad part is that its 1:00 in the morning. But energy is still a good thing, gives me hope for the future.

Chilling

Enjoying a night alone... for once the roommate is out of town. So it has just been me and Azrael all day. Really enjoying the sound of silence. Of course being Wednesday it's time for Lost, Criminal Minds, and CSI: New York. As frustrating as my time off has been it was nice for some actual R&R. I don't get many opportunities to have the place to myself... at least not for long so I am thoroughly enjoying the peace and quiet.

I'm thinking Azrael is going to have a hard time when I do back to work. Whenever I go back after vacation he gets tempermental and stops visiting me. Since cats have a really short memory that doesn't last long. But he is definitely used to me being home. He stays in bed with me until I get up and then alternates between the couch and my monitor.

I'd forgotten how therapeutic a cat can be. When I still lived in London (which seems like a lifetime ago now) my roommate, Mel, said that Tigger was my therapist. Whenever I was stressed I curled up with him. Or I let him eat my fudgesicle... whichever. He was my baby. It was really hard for me when I had to put him down. It was one of the few times people saw me cry. Azrael, at least when he was a kitten, was the opposite. He was pretty psychotic and would attack. Lately he has really changed and has become quite the big suck. He still has his independant streak which is good but sometimes it is nice to have him curled up on my lap.

CAA Membership

So today in the mail I got an offer for a CAA membership with all the great things it can do for me... and how I can get it cheaper. Now that is really interesting seeing as I don't drive. How is that really going to help me? Better question... how do I get on these mailing lists?

Tired & Worn Out

Aside from fighting a headache I am tired and worn out. I am sick of trying to fight a losing battle with the fibromyalgia. It's become a life ruled by pain... and fatigue... Never really feeling rested. I get some relief by going to the chiropractor but it's temporary. Been about 4 years since I was last treated for it. At that point I had gone off all medication since it only decreased the pain, didn't remove it and I was left feeling too groggy to function. Now I can add mental confusion to the list of symptoms. I feel like a prisoner in my own mind. I can still process information, I just have trouble communicating it. Not a good thing when you work in a call center. I'm aslo scared to face this loss... the pain I can live with. Mind over matter, right? But to face the mental challenge is a whole other issue. I don't even have enough energy right now to make myself something to eat. Life, right now, is characterized by pain and isolation. People don't understand what it's like to battle this every day.

And as I right this I am now off work until cleared by a doctor to return. It's a long story... but I guess the good news is that the Fibromyalgia might get treated again. Not that I am really looking forward to more medication but it beats the alternative. Now I think it's about time I shed a few more tears over the whole situation. I don't think I've done enough of that yet.

Another Sleepless Night

So once again I seem to be battling the insomnia... trying to sleep but too many thoughts going through my head. thinking about what I have to get done while at work tomorrow. Also wondering what's going to happen while at work since last week wasn't so good. Thinking about whether I should look for a roommate or see if the building management will let me take a one bedroom. I'm still on the lease until May so I'm not sure what will happen there. Wondering how I'd afford a one bedroom if hat was an option, since I will have to pay my student loans soon. Then cursing because it's not 1:30 a.m. and I have to be up at 8:00. Can't I just shut my brain off for once?

Fibromylgia & Depression

Okay so maybe I am still in denial... but I refuse to accept that I am depressed. I looked up the symptoms for the Fibromyalgia and for Depression and noticed there were a lot of overlapping symptoms. Not to mention with the symptoms from the fibromyalgia it's easy to see why there is a link to depression. The pain is still there... a constant reminder. But over the last year or so the fatigue has increased to the point where I have no energy at all to do anything. Even more difficult for me to deal with is the cognitive side, or "Fibro fog" that I experience. I'll lose track halfway through a sentence and have difficulty focusing. Every day is a challenge. I try and cover for the lapses but it's frustrating, especially for me. You could say something to me and I'll have no recollection.. or sometimes I won't even understand. It's like you were speaking in English and I was hearing it in Japanese. So if you know any good ways to get some restorative sleep I am all ears.

Symptoms of fibromyalgia include:

• Chronic muscle pain, muscle spasms or tightness, and leg cramps.
• Moderate or severe fatigue and decreased energy.
• Insomnia or waking up feeling just as tired as when you went to sleep.
• Stiffness upon waking or after staying in one position for too long.
• Difficulty remembering, concentrating, and performing simple mental tasks.
• Abdominal pain, bloating, nausea, and constipation alternating with diarrhea (irritable bowel syndrome).
• Tension or migraine headaches.
• Jaw and facial tenderness.
• Sensitivity to one or more of the following: odors, noise, bright lights, medications, certain foods and cold.
• Feeling anxious or depressed.
• Numbness or tingling in the face, arms, hands, legs or feet.
• Increase in urinary urgency or frequency (irritable bladder).
• Reduced tolerance for exercise and muscle pain after exercise.
• A feeling of swelling (without actual swelling) in the hands and feet.
• Painful menstrual periods.
• Dizziness.

Symptoms of depression include:

• Sadness
• Loss of enjoyment from things that were once pleasurable
• Loss of energy
• Feelings of hopelessness or worthlessness
• Difficulty concentrating
• Difficulty making decisions
• Insomnia or excessive sleep
• Stomachache and digestive problems
• Sexual problems (for example, decreased sex drive)
• Aches and pains (such as recurrent headaches)
• A change in appetite causing weight loss or gain
• Thoughts of death or suicide
• Attempting suicide

Transfer Out West

I'm beginning to wonder if I should've taken the transfer out west to the call center that opened in Saskatoon. I had a number of reasons for not going... I didn't want certain people in my life to be the reason I left. I'd rather stand and fight... not that I've been doing much of that lately. I also love my team. But now that I've got two verbal warnings in one week maybe I should've gone out there. I know I dread my phone time. It's not the same as coaching face to face. I prefer the face to face interactions. I may be good at fixing computers but people that know me know I don't enjoy it. My first troubleshooting step is to format since I get frustrated easily by it. It's also hearing "US Desktop" as soon as I log in. It is my own mental block but each queue is different. I don't know anyone that has gotten away from US Desktop and been happy to come back to it. I worked hard to get away... was away from it for 9 months. Now I'm back indefinitely. I don't know how to overcome the mental side of that so it has me feeling pretty discouraged. I feel like the three years I have put in don't matter. I'd like to be put on another queue for a couple of months but I know that's not going to happen. I've put in that request previously and was turned down. So how do I change that?

Cruel & Unusual

As I write this I am soaking my foot in an Epsom salt bath... talk about cruel and unusual punishment. I have a really high pain tolerance and all I want to do is remove my foot from the water. I know I need to do it, to try and get rid of the infection but c'mon. Looks like I'll be doing as little walking as possible in the next few days since I can't put any pressure on it. And this better work. I'd hate to think I am enduring this pain for nothing. Probably should've done this before I started on the home medical procedures though. It would've worked better. Live and learn I suppose.

Part 2 of the cruel and unusual punishment... applying alcohol to it. For as bad as soaking it was... that was 100x worse. I might need an alcoholic drink now to recover from that experience. Wow.

Denial

I'm starting to wonder if I am just in denial. I got told today that lately I seem to be depressed. Well you know 2005 was just such a stellar year. It's hard to remain positive when it seems like everything that could go wrong has. I won't deny that I have been more withdrawn lately but I have a reason for that. So maybe I am depressed. I just don't want to admit to it. See I am in denial. I could be denying that anything is wrong but then I'd be lying. I just need to find a way to cope with it all and regain some of that balance. Get back to the person I used to be. Easier said then done though. Where do I even start? I guess step 1 is admitting *lol*

UFC Unleashed

So after a quiet night with just me and Azrael it was time to relax with some UFC Unleashed. It really shouldn't be so therapeutic... I mean organized violence at its best. But at least it was a new one. Made my night. Going to have to get the footage off there soon and make a new DVD. Probably wait until after the next PPV event... or until I have enough money for a laptop... then it will be really easy. And it makes me happy... back to creating DVDs and using some of my talent. Always a good thing in my world.

Does This Look Infected?

All week I've been battling an ingrown toenail. I get them frequently. The nail never seems to grow properly. at one point my family doctor was thinking about removing the nail completely but I didn't like that option. Maybe after this week I'll reconsider. It became infected so I was trying to drain it, let it heal. But I couldn't seem to get it to drain. It was just extremely sensitive and causing a lot of pain. I could barely walk and it was quite painful. Since I don't have a family doctor I just about went down to the ER but really didn't want to sit there for three hours. So today I was back to the home medical care, trying to tear away some of the skin. Hope no one is eating while reading this. It worked a little too well. All of a sudden it was bleeding... left a nice trail of blood across the apartment. What kind of stain remover works on blood? I think I might soak it in a little while... see if that helps. It has stopped bleeding at least. The things you do on your day off.

Perception Equals Reality

I began this post in "2 + 2 = 4 ... Or Does It" and thought I'd come back to it. I said before that out perceptions are shaped by our past experiences and how we view the world. I still believe that to be true. After observing someone we make a judgement as to their character and it is this perception of them that shapes our relationship with them. Let's say you introduce yourself to someone and they just stand there with their arms crossed. You may perceive them as cold, and unfriendly. You may then start attributing other behaviours they have to the type of person they are and end up just thinking they are cold and unfriendly. Maybe it is just a cultural thing for them but once you have a perception of someone it is difficult to change that.

The definition of perception is, "one's view or interpretation of something." Quite a while ago, I saw one of the team leaders I had as being out to get me. Once I had that perception it was easy for me to attribute his actions negatively. It was very hard for me to admit I was wrong and change that perception. Even after I was challenged on it I did not want to change my opinion. I was skeptical and ended up transferring to another team. I was wrong, but this is just an example of how hard it is to change your perception and how easy it is to shape your view of someone and their actions once you have that perception of them.

My question this time... "How do you see others?" and "How do they see you?"

Morbid Thoughts

Maybe it's the fact my sister, Suzanne, has been at the ER more times then she should've been in the last few days ("Click here for details") or maybe it's just the kind of week I've been having... but it led me to think about what people would say about me if I died tomorrow. Don't worry, Suzanne's not dying but we never know what is going to happen. I was about to say I could be hit by a bus on my way to work. Now that would be pretty impressive since I live in the same building. But what would people say about me? Would they have good things to say about the kind of person I was and how I lived my life? What would they remember? The truth is that we never know what tomorrow will bring. My challenge for you, how will you be remembered?

Another Day

Seems like I am using a lot of quotes and lyrics these days. Guess I am just feeling lazy and don't feel like posting my own thoughts. But lately I have really been drawn to the music from "Rent." So this time it comes from the song "Another Day"

The heart may freeze or it can burn
The pain will ease if I can learn
There is no future
There is no past
I live this moment as my last
There's only us
There's only this
Forget regret
Or life is yours to miss
No other road
No other way
No day but today

"Forget regret or life is yours to miss"

Rent

I Am

I came across this affirmation when I was looking for some stuff on motivation. I had really been doubting myself at work and had someone ask me why I doubt myself. They had suggested affirmations. So I thought I'd share this.

I AM

I deserve to be,

I want to be,

I can be,

I will be,

I am.

Fresh Start

My very first post was about "New Beginnings" The sentiments of change was also echoed in the post, "Happy New Year". It's now 2006 and a new year is beginning. 2005 will be remembered, by me any ways, as a rough year... certainly not one of my best. One of my favourite sayings in 2005 was "Yep, it's been a stellar year so far" with a little bit of sarcasm. I have no idea what this year will bring with it... If I did I could make thousands of dollars *lol* But I am filled with optimism and see it as a fresh start. No looking back... just at what is to come.

"Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment." – Buddha

Computer Problems

So the other day I formatted my computer again... and immediately got an error message. It really didn't like having a non-system drive as the C: drive... That's what I get for having 2 serial ATA drives and a parallel drive. So I had to format it again and disconnect the other drive when I rebooted. And was still having issues. Turns out it was the RAM I had installed. The motherboard is a little tempermental with that one. Seems to be working well again.

And as for the XBox 360... still no word as to when that will actually come in. It was released a month and a half ago. Still nothing... So much for their promises... of the first week in December... and definitely before Christmas. At this rate should I be wondering if I will get it before 2007?

Life in a Call Center

So the alarm goes off at 8:00 a.m. and I really don't want to get out of bed. I was my usual insomniac self last night and really didn't get much sleep. So all I want is a few more hours of shut eye. Instead I crawl out of bed and make my way downstairs to go to work. I was the poster child for the shirt that says "I'm out of bed and here, what more do you want?"

I make it to my first break and then it's coaching time. Somehow managed to get 5 aces done. I was impressed with myself. I ended up extending my coaching session by 15 minutes though so I'll likely get a slap on the wrist for that tomorrow. I was trying not to but it was hard not to.

Then it was time to go back on the phones. Well halfway through a call my headset just dies... I can hear the customer but they cannot hear me at all. So I end up disconnecting the call and spent the next 20 minutes troubleshooting my phone. Then I had to "borrow" a headset and figured I was safe since everyone was in that should be.... Apparently I was wrong. I had forgotten that Sarah was on split shifts and would be coming back in. Go figure... the headset I "borrowed" belonged to her. So she ended up not being able to take calls until I was done since there weren't any other working headsets in the area.

Good times let me tell you. Probably only entertaining for people that work in a call center and understand. I guess when I am back in tomorrow morning I'll be looking for Saviour to try and get it replaced. That was my fun for the day. Now I am home... relaxing... and enjoying my evening.