When it Rains...

it pours... Ever since I moved to Peterborough it has been anything but easy. Not to say London was easy street but it was a lot smoother then Peterborough has been. About the only good part is the job. Sure there is stress but I have worked there for 3.5 years and it's been pretty stable overall.

I moved to Peterborough because I was homeless and had nowhere to go. Right after I started working here I was homeless again. Spent a week couch surfing at one place and then was couch surfing at another location. That one turned into me getting a bedroom there where I stayed for a little over a year. It was definitely not paradise. I was embarrased to have anyone over to the house. I only had my room to hide in. At one point I had $1000 worth of DVDs stolen and since he was a young offender he just got a warning. I got half of them back but was out the cost of the rest of them. And just before I moved out the landlord's son was stealing from me. I moved into Adam's which wasn't necessarily such a good idea... but I had to get out of there. Eventually I moved to Time Square... and then was I was changing apartments there it went to hell and I ended up here in Talwood. So the housing situation has definitely been a rough road.

My health has also been a rocky road. When I was in London I still had good medical care since I was at school. I had been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and was receiving treatment for it. I was in physiotherapy until I was forced to leave London. The next step would've have been a full treatment program, including aquatherapy. When I moved to Peterborough I lost the health care so the only thing I was getting treated was the flu and bronchitis. When I attempted to get treatment for the fibromylgia I was given a few different answers: "It doesn't exist", "I can't deal with that I am just an ER doctor", and "you will never get treated for it in Peterborough." So 4 years of not bing treated led to a great deal of pain, sheer exhaustion and "brain fog." Fortunately, that is now being treated but my doctor is not in Peterborough. I have to drive to Pickering to see him. In one year I had both pneumonia, the flu, and 4 cases of bronchitis. Lost a lot of time at work... and when I had the flu I lost 20 pounds and I'm not sure I ever completely recovered. I think my health suffered because of the living conditions at the time. The house was filthy and on top of that my landlord was smoking 2 packs a day in the house. Plus I was smoking. Nathan was smoking too... but usually those weren't cigarettes. So the air quality left something to be desired. I'm also wondering if that contributed to Tigger's death. But I'll never know for sure. Even when I was at Times Square the air quality didn't seem to be all that good.

And then there were the relationships.... definitely not stable. The first relationship was with Jamie... who I left for Adam. I'm still amazed that we were together for a year and still don't understand why he stayed. I destroyed that relationship in the end. And I don't think he'll ever tell me why he stayed... Then there was Tristan. I'm not even sure what to say about that relationship other then that it was short-lived. My exhaustion was also playing a role in that relationship. If he spent the night then I was waking up constantly and it was making me even more tired and irritable. But this time that isn't what ended the relationship. He owed money to the wrong people and they threatened to harm me. So he never gave me the chance to decided whether or not to stay... he just bailed. Maybe I should give up on relationships. Been single for 7 months and I doubt that is going to change.

When I first moved to Peterborough the only thing I wanted to do is go back to London. And now I've been here for almost 4 years. There are some days I wish I had just gone back to London and taken my chances. I don't know if I would've been better off... but at least some of what has happened since I moved here wouldn't have (No stalker... No date rape... etc.) Regardless I can't take it back... I can only look to the future.

TGIF

I am so glad it's Friday right now. Until I got home tonight I don't think I realized how much this month had taken out of me. I averaged listening to 3.65 calls day. While that doesn't sound all that bad since most agents are able to take 20 calls a day it's actually not that easy. We also have other responsibilities that can be quite time consuming. And to listen to a call we have to wait for them to get one... listen to the call... score the call and then present the feedback on it. Even a 5 minute call usually takes about 20 minutes in total. The agents sometimes think it's an easier job because I only take calls for hours. But I've got to tell you it's often a lot more difficult to evaluate the call. Some people do not respond well to coaching and will challenge you on everything. That makes it tough. Today was a prime example of that. We had a team meeting about some new changes. I understand why they are changing it... and while it may impact me and my incentive, I am not going to fight it. I am just going to work towards meeting the new metrics. But the two people who were going to object the most were both at the meeting. They went ballistic with the news. It pretty much turned into a war. Even before that I was going over a procedural article... one of the two biggest ones that we follow on every call. I even got arguments throughout the entire article. At the last team meeting when Pat went over it she got questions about it... but people didn't argue about every point. So I intend to relax this weekend and am going to try to do as little as possible. Just relax and try not to think about work.

Short Work Week

I'm pretty happy this is a short work week. One more day to go and then I am off for 2 days. This is also the last week in the fiscal month so there tends to be more stress as all the performance coaches struggle to meet the mandate. I need to listen to one more call this month so overall our team is doing fine but other people are now scrambling. This is adding a great deal of pressure because I always want to help out and make sure other teams meet their mandate. But at the same time it's not my responsibility. I've evaluated 72 calls this month. That's the second highest in the call center. And the only person that is higher then me tends to listen to much shorter calls since it's a different queue. It's great that I have done so many calls... but it also takes it's toll. I find it more difficult to coach someone on another team, especially on a bad call, because I don't know them. I don't know if this was a trend... or they're having a bad day. Basically I am walking in blind. Tomorrow I am trying to decide if I should take it easy and just get the one evaluation done that I need to or try and get as many as I can done so that other teams will hit the mandate as well. Working my ass off and helping other teams is definitely in my nature... but I'm not sure how long I can keep that up for. I have pretty much been non-stop since day 1 since Pat was off for just over a week. But I can also tell I am more stressed... my back hurts more... and it's much harder to just relax at work. Mind you some of that could also be because I quit smoking... and that did calm me down when I was starting to feel overwhelmed. It's really an internal war right now. I feel obligated to help people out but I can't keep up that pace.

Peace Bond

I learned today that a peace bond is basically meaningless. Mike decided to come visit the area where I work.... since he wanted to socialize. He did not have anything work related that he was down there for. I'm almost tempted to think that he wanted to make sure I knew there were no longer any restrictions.

So I called the police today to find out if there was a peace bond in place and if so, what the restrictions were. The cop that was involved in my case is no longer with the police force. I believe he transferred elsewhere. So they put me in touch with the secretary. She didn't know anything about it. Well she did know the charges were withdrawn and that a peace bond was agreed to... but wasn't sure what the restrictions were. So she recommended I call the courts office to find out.

This is what they told me. He is not allowed to have any contact with me or communicate with me in any way, except for at work. Now there are two things I notice there. 1. He doesn't really have any spatial restrictions (i.e. 500 feet) and 2. He is exempt at work any ways. Now I think I can safely say he doesn't want to contact me... But... I think the restriction should have included staying out of my section of the building. He has absolutely no reason to be there. Hell he works on a different floor altogether. But I can't stop him from hanging out in my area and visiting with people. Now that's frustrating. Not only were the charges withdrawn but he is free to wander throughout the building, including my area. When he wandered through yesterday I almost went into shock... Well maybe not literally but it did surprise me and took me a while to recover from it. I feel like I am the prisoner. Yes I can go upstairs now... not that I ever really had much a reason to... but I am reluctant to. I really don't want to see him. So I tend to stay in my area and not go anywhere.

So what the hell was the point of me even pressing charges? It caused my name to be dragged through the mud making it tough to go into work. One of the rumours was that I was "a lying bitch who charged him out of spite." That was a daily battle. The 10 hours at the cop shop/hospital was also spectacular. So I lost friends... heard some very hurtful things... even if I was lying is it really tactful to be discussing it at work? What if I am telling the truth? Ended up on a 2 month LOA. So it also cost me time and money (I also had to replace the items that went into evidence). Then the charges were withdrawn any ways making me look worse. And now the peace bond is basically just a piece of paper that means nothing. He can still make my time at work a living hell and there is nothing I can do. Sure I can talk to my TM but from a company standpoint they would likely just say that it was not related to the workplace so their hands are tied... aside from the fact you're not supposed to be socializing while on calls.

Apparently I am a little bitter today.... but it's been a long week already. I got off work late tonight... didn't get as much done as I wanted to... and am still feeling the effects from the dentist. Hopefully with some sleep I'll have a different outlook and not be so cynical.

Accountability

This seems to be my week for bashing dentists. But what I want to know is why are they not held accountable for their actions? If some of this stuff happened in a medical field there might be a different outcome.

4 years ago when I had my wisdom teeth removed the dentist did nerve damage. The right side of my tongue was numb and the TMJ was aggravated.
End result: I had to go to the doctor for Naproxen, still slur my words occassionally because the feeling on that side of my tongue never fully returned.

3 weeks go the dentist was working on the lower right. Once again hit the nerve. And he knew it. He saw the reaction on my face.
End result: Agony for a week and a half and then a visit to the ER for medication. I ended up cutting the bottom of my tongue because I couldn't feel it. The right side of my tongue is back to being numb (if it had ever healed) Noticing the speech impediment more but it could just be me.

Yesterday was back at the dentist for more work. My back is still killing me from the way I was positioned in the chair. He hit a different nerve this time. So just below my nose is now numb. That is a new sensation. Once again, had my jaw open too long so the TMJ is bothering me again. Fortunately I still have some Naproxen left.
End result: I need to go see the chiropractor to have my back fixed. Will be taking Naproxen for the pain. And I am not sure what the end result will be for the numbness near the nasal cavity.

So to recap... My jaw is in pain from hitting the nerve and I have to pay for the medication. If I want the nerve damaged corrected I have to pay the high price to have it done. My tongue will likely never have full feeling back, which also affects my sense of taste. I now have a bit of a speech impediment, especially when tired. I will have to pay $35 to have my back looked at. I'm not sure what will happen with the nerve damage under my nose. And the dentist doesn't even have to acknowledge that he made a mistake. No lawyer would ever take the case. The dentist denied hitting the nerve stating that it was just how long my jaw was open for. No that electric shock feeling I had tells me otherwise. So why are they not accountable for their actions? Chances are if a patient was disfigured during an operation they'd be suing for malpractice. Or maybe that is only in the States. But dentists don't even have to admit to making a mistake, apologize or take responsibility and fix it. I wonder why that is

TMJ

Now back to the second half of why I believe that dental and medical should be combined.

I have TMJ. It basically means that my jaw is out of place. This affects you in lots of different ways. It puts pressure on your neck and spine. It causes headaches. According to a number of web sites it can even cause the same symptoms as fibromyalgia. And, of course, it can cause jaw pain.

Why do I have it? There are actually a number of reasons. For one, I seem to be the walking medical encyclopedia. *lol* Secondly, I've had a few instances of whiplash, especially when I fell off my bike and cracked my skull open. Humpty Dumpty anyone? I also have a bad overbite. Lastly I suffer from bruxism. That is the fancy way to say I clench and grind my teeth when I sleep.

Okay so TMJ is a problem with the jaw that can obviously cause some serious health issues in the long run... But who treats it? Typically not the medical field. They may give you pain medication but otherwise won't do anything. They just refer you to a dentist for treatment.

Here's the problem for that. The dentist will likely refer you to a specialist for treatment. So that's more money. Often times the treatment of TMJ is not covered by the insurance company so you are left to pay for the treatment alone. Right now I need a nightguard to protect my teeth so I don't cause any more damage. To replace the one I have will cost me about $300. And I can't get it until the dentist finishes the cavities.... so it will be September at the earliest. On top of that the treatments tend to be expensive... for correcting the bite. It ranges from nothing other then the nightguard to partial reconstruction, to full reconstruction and then surgery. Needless to say that would be extremely expensive.

The problem is that it's something I need to happen. I go to the chiropractor every other week but there is only so much she can do for me. And since my insurance company only covers $500 and the year begins in August all year I have been paying for my chiropractor visits. So that's cost me $350 so far and I still have two months to go. I remember the days when OHIP paid part of the chiropractor visit... and physical therapy. That was nice.

When it comes to treating the TMJ I feel like I am damned if I do and damned if I don't. I can't afford to treat it so if I started something then I would likely have to stop treatment pretty quickly due to finances. But if I don't get treatment for it then the jaw pain and the clenching are just going to continue.

Dental Reform

I am beginning to believe that there needs to be a dental reform. Now I know I am being an idealist. The reform will never happen. What we need to do is incorporate dental into the medical system. The government would rather cut services then add them and the dentists won't give up the lucrative practice. The average salary after one year in private practice is $100,000 CAN. I'd like to be making some of that. Now it doesn't have to be $100,000 but I'd like a small piece of that.

So why do I think it should be a combined service? If it was then I might not have waited 4.5 years to see a dentist. And it's currently bankrupting me to have the work done. My insurance company pays 100% sort of. They only pay up to last years fee guide... and only up to $2000. I've already paid about $300 in dental fees for services that were not covered. Plus to get the $2000 coverage I have to pay $20 a month through work. So there is another $240. Needless to say it's not exactly cheap.

The last time I was there I had 4 cavities filled in my front teeth. The total for that was $1100. So that's $275 per tooth. You can't tell me that the materials to fill the cavities and the hour that it took really cost anywhere near $1100.

To be continued...

Food Intake

I'm going to preface this with... I do not have an eating disorder and am not focusing on how many calories the meal had. Neither am I stepping on the scale constantly to see if my weight has changed. For the record it's currently 96.5 pounds and before you tell me I should weigh at least 115 pounds I am aware of that. I have never been able to get over 100 pounds.

Breakfast


For breakfast I had Honey Nut Cheerios. Ten I had a Carnation Instant Breakfast.

Lunch


Lunch was the usul bacon sandich. Same as yesterday's with cold cuts, cheese and lettuce.

Dinner

Dinner was chicken strips, scalloped potatoes and corn.

And of course I had my usual 3 cans of Coke, I think I am craving it more because of habit and to replace the nicotine. I know I shouyld be drinking more water. Thanks for the reminder Sarah. I will also keep in mind the complex carbohydrates as well.

Yet I am still not completely full. I m not as hungry as I was yesterday but I am wondering how much more I need to eat in a day.

Appetite

For the last couple of weeks I seem to be hungry all the time. And as a result end up feeling lightheaded periodically. Ordinarily I would say that is a good thing. But I'm not gaining any weight. I don't have the opportunity to eat 5 meals a day either. That's about what it would take. So now I am wondering if it's my metabolism or an issue with my thyroid. This seems to be a new development. It would be nice if I actually gained some weight in this process.

Take today for example. I slept in, like usual so no chance of breakfast. Aside from weekends when I sleep until noon I'm not sure I ever have breakfast. So that's not unusual. Then off to the dentist. Through the course of the day I had 3 cans of Coke. I had a sandwich partway through the day with cold cuts, bacon, cheese and lettuce. When I got home I had a bacon wrapped chicken breast, rice and corn. I was still hungry so I made myself a Carnation Instant Breakfast. But I am still hungry. Too lazy to make anything now since I'll be going to bed shortly. But I don't get it. Why am I still hungry? There were times when I still lived on Hunter St that the only meal I had was dinner. Now that didn't happen all that often. At least there were times I actually felt full there. It kind of sucks to be hungry all the time. If you've got any ideas I am open to suggestions.

I do realize that it might be related to the fact I quit smoking. So I don't have the nicotine acting as an appetite suppresent. But I was going through this before I actually quit smoking. That just didn't help me. Like I said, I am open to suggestions.... as long as they're not way out in left field, or involve seafood any ways.

Dentist Visit

Today I was rediscovering my hatred for dentists. Last time I had work done he did nerve damage and I ended up at the ER a week and a half later. Yesterday was the first time I could open my jaw without pain. So today I was back there first thing in the morning. He was doing work on the front teeth. I'm pretty sure both times he had to inject the freezing he hit the nerve. I felt the same weird sensation go through my head and into my ear. Then it just went from bad to worse. The angle they had me on meant I was sliding backwards so I ended up gripping the arms on the chair. That ended up hurting my back and shoulders since all the muscles were tight for over an hour. The dentist knows that I can't keep my jaw open for an extended period of time and what does he do? He wandered out 3x during the appointment. I started to get really angry since I just wanted the work done and over with. It was basically an excruciating hour. When he was almost at the end the freezing started to come out so with certain teeth I could really feel it. I didn't want to tell the dentist because then he would stop... add more freezing... and the whole thing would take even longer. I just wanted to get the hell out of there. 13 hours later and my teeth are still killing me. My lower jaw is slightly bothering me but my front teeth actually hurt. Then I had to go to work. It was entertaining when I was trying to drink the can of Coke. It didn't work so well. Needless to say it's been a long day. Almost makes me wish I had false teeth. Might not hurt as much.

No News is Good News

I called the doctor's office today to see if the results from my blood work had come in. They said that no news is good news. So does that mean they got the results and everything was normal or that they just haven't got the results back? I'm not sure that makes me feel any better. I'd still like some answers. Like if the tests did come back normal why am I tired all the time? And if the results have not come back yet... how long until they do? If I need a bone marrow biopsy then I want to know that... and get it done as soon as possible. Now back to playing the waiting game.

Tail End of the Weekend

My weekend is now winding to a close. At 9:15 tomorrow morning I'll be on my way to the dentist. Then off to work. But on the last day I usually end up frustrated and on edge. For the last two days I've been able to relax and not do anything. But today I had all the last minute odds and ends to complete. I was on the go all afternoon with laundry, dropping off my rent cheque, putting my computer back together, changing my address with Dell and a few other things. So now it's 10:30 at night and I am wondering where the day went. I still have to make my lunch and find clothes for tomorrow.

One of my jobs was to call the National Student Loan Center to apply for interest relief yet again. When I called back in April they said to call back in mid-May or so. What they didn't tell me is that the interest relief would be effective June 1. I might have called sooner if I knew that. Right now I am praying that the Royal Bank (like the National Student Loans Center) takes out the payment at the end of the month and not the begining. Otherwise I am screwed. At the moment I don't have enough for rent and my student loan payment. I'm cash strapped as it is. Tomorrow (or Wednesday) I am going to have to call the Royal Bank and hopefully they have good news for me.

Weekend of Nothingness

Sometimes nothing is a good word. That would about sum up my weekend. No commitments... no responsibilities.... just nothingness. It's been great so far and I still have another day to go. Okay so I have laundry to do but that really doesn't require much. Just sleep and R&R. Azrael is also getting plenty of attention. I really needed the 3 days off to unwind. I've had a lot of one day weekends recently. I've also had a lot of stress with work and trying to meet the mandate. And with another performance coach that refuses to accept help. Then there is my health. Fatigue... and then the nerve damage from the doctor. So I am very happy to have time off. Next week I am also on nights so I should be a little more rested. It is such a change for me. I am so used to being busy all the time. I don't do so well at relaxing. I always want to be doing something. But it's nice to be able to just watch tv and curl up with Azrael. On Tuesday I can see me not wanting to go into work... but since I am not a millionaire I will be heading back. Since Pat is back and the aces are under control work is relaxing for the most part. Sure it's not always like that... that's why it's called work but I am enjoying it a lot more then I was in the past. Now back to the TV.... and maybe even some more time with Azrael before I head off to bed. It's all about the nothingness.

Financial Woes

Undoubtedly one of the biggest stressors in my life is finances. When I moved in May it really put me behind. I had to pay first and last which was $1488. That's a lot of money to suddenly have to come up with... especially since my rent at the old apartment was $440. Then there were other fees associated with moving. There were a few things I needed to buy when I moved in, fortunately I didn't need a whole lot. Still cost me about $100. Then there was the reconnection with Cogeco. Plus I have been getting a lot of dental work done recently and not all of that was covered. And I still have the usual bills to pay. There are credit cards, cell phone, the chiropractor and groceries. We just got paid and I'm already wondering how bills will be paid. I'm not sure June will be much better but only time will tell. I just need to get back on track and caught up. Maybe I should start playing the lottery and hope. Okay maybe not. Or maybe I need to find a way to make more money. But I think I'll wait until I am feeling better before I start taking on other tasks in my spare time. I could do some web design but I really don't want to do anything that might cause stress. I'm doing my best to just relax and keep myself relatively healthy. I could just take the attitude that "It's only money" but I am pretty sure that the people I owe money to wouldn't really like that.

Diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder

According to the DSM-IV (The Psychologists Bible) Borderline Personlity Disorder is diagnosed with the following criteria:

Diagnostic criteria for 301.83 Borderline Personality Disorder
(cautionary statement)

A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

(1) frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.
Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.

(2) a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation

(3) identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self

(4) impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, Substance Abuse, reckless driving, binge eating).
Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.

(5) recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior

(6) affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)

(7) chronic feelings of emptiness

(8) inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

(9) transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

Now this one is the most frequent diagnosis of anyone that self injures. In a study 48% either met the criteria or were diagnosed with BPD (I can't remember which) but if you removed self injury then only 28% met the criteria. Some people will diagnose it just for self injury, they don't have to meet 4 more of the symptoms. It also seems to be the catch all of psychological disorders. Borderline personality disorder is typically a label given to women while Antisocial Personality Disorder is typically label given to men. So if someone tells you that you might have Borderline Personality Disorder then it's not such a good thing. Doctors are also reluctant to treat patients with this diagnosis chalking them up to a lost cause and difficult to treat. Maybe they should either do away with this diagnosis or change it so it is more useful. After all at some points in our life almost all of us could probably get the diagnosis.

The Diagnosis of Depression

According to the APA and the DSM-IV-TSR (basically a psychologist's Bible):

Criteria for Major Depressive Episode
(cautionary statement)

A. Five (or more) of the following symptoms have been present during the same 2-week period and represent a change from previous functioning; at least one of the symptoms is either
(1) depressed mood or
(2) loss of interest or pleasure.
Note: Do not include symptoms that are clearly due to a general medical condition, or mood-incongruent delusions or hallucinations.

(1) depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day, as indicated by either subjective report (e.g., feels sad or empty) or observation made by others (e.g., appears tearful). Note: In children and adolescents, can be irritable mood.
(2) markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, activities most of the day, nearly every day (as indicated by either subjective account or observation made by others)
(3) significant weight loss when not dieting or weight gain (e.g., a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month), or decrease or increase in appetite nearly every day. Note: In children, consider failure to make expected weight gains.
(4) Insomnia or Hypersomnia nearly every day
(5) psychomotor agitation or retardation nearly every day (observable by others, not merely subjective feelings of restlessness or being slowed down)
(6) fatigue or loss of energy nearly every day
(7) feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt (which may be delusional) nearly every day (not merely self-reproach or guilt about being sick)
(8) diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness, nearly every day (either by subjective account or as observed by others)
(9) recurrent thoughts of death (not just fear of dying), recurrent suicidal ideation without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for committing suicide

B. The symptoms do not meet criteria for a Mixed Episode (see p. 335).

C. The symptoms cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.

D. The symptoms are not due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (e.g., a drug of abuse, a medication) or a general medical condition (e.g., hypothyroidism).

E. The symptoms are not better accounted for by Bereavement, i.e., after the loss of a loved one, the symptoms persist for longer than 2 months or are characterized by marked functional impairment, morbid preoccupation with worthlessness, suicidal ideation, psychotic symptoms, or psychomotor retardation.

So... what can I say about that? You have to meet 5 of the criteria to get the diagnosis. And it can't be caused by a medical condition... Hmm... they never tested for a medical condition. As far as the insomnia goes... I was diagnosed with insomnia and "Phase Delayed Sleep Disorder" back when I was in university. The weight loss has always been an issue. I can gain/lose 5 pounds in a day. The difficulty concentrating can be seen as a symptom of depression.... although I believe it was related to the fatigue.

I was under a great deal of stress at the time. Nothing I did for my boss was ever going to be good enough. I was beyond fatigued and could not concentrate. I was constantly feeling sick. And then there was the actual reason that I was tempted to go back to the self-injury... my stalker. It was really stressing me out because I felt alone and isolated. I couldn't go anywhere or do anything. I really felt trapped. So I was having a tough time. I was having issues at work but didn't want to be at home either. It was a losing battle. So with everything that was going on I was stressed out.... But I was not suicidal or depressed. I'm not even sure I would've met the criteria for a diagnosis.

Quacks... AKA Doctors

Okay I don't think my family doctor is a quack. I actually respect him. I am just thinking about how things were going before my LOA, the LOA and the aftermath. I also re-read my posts over at Time off Work. Aside from the fact it's been two months since I last posted there... I almost feel like I should update it with recent developments.

Before my LOA I was having a lot of trouble focusing and concentrating on anything. It was really affecting my performance and I would even zone out halfway through a sentence. Chris started telling me that it was just an excuse. It wasn't but I couldn't argue with the team leader. Then I brought a knife to work (well actually I was off work and had already been home and came back just to give it to someone) and that gave her an excuse to force me off work.

Then there was Dr. Caskey. He was the doctor that work contracted for me to see. Things went from bad to really bad quite quickly. First of all, he didn't believe that Firomyalgia existed. He felt it was just a symptom of a psychiatric disorder. I'm sure a number of rheumatologists, and other family physicians would disagree... but what can I say? He's the one with the medical degree, determining when I return to work. He believed I was suffering from depression as evidenced by the lack of focus, the fatigue, the insomnia and the self-injury. He had received a letter from work indicating my performance was suffering and I had numerous physical complaints. The fibromyalgia had been untreated for 4 years and I was exhausted all the time. As far as work goes... I still met the aces mandate. And was only failing the aces Chris did on me. There was only one month I was low in sales. So he wanted me to have an emergency psych evaluation at the hospital. I didn't have a choice if I wanted to return to work. Talk about leading questions. They didn't ask me if I was depressed... they asked how long I had been depressed for. I got the prescription that Caskey wanted and he still would not allow me to return to work. He wanted me to do a follow-up with the psychiatrist.

Dr. Caskey also told me I would be closely monitored when I went back to work. He also felt my performance would not improve without anti-depressants. That's what he used to justify not allowing me to return.

The psychiatrist put me on Zoloft and I really reacted to it... maybe because I am not depressed. I felt like I had the flu and couldn't get out of bed. I think it actually invoked feelings of depression. I called Telehealth since I was exhibiting a number of symptoms from the warning label on the medication and they said to contact a doctor immediately. Back to the ER where they said it was normal.

Eventually I was back at the ER to get a new medication. This time they put me on a Benzodizapine which is used to treat acute insomnia, not chronic insomnia. It is also a restricted medication and highly addictive as I learned first hand.

Between work and Dr. Caskey they were not allowing me to return to work until after the follow-up with the psychiatrist. I still remember Chris calling. She asked how I was doing. I said something about the Fibromyalgia and she basically accused me of lying. You could tell she thought it really was depression. Right about now I really want to say "I told you so."

Keep in mind that the doctor had not run any tests to rule anything out. He just felt it was depression and that was the end of the discussion. Then with my three trips to the ER. The 2 psychiatrists I saw just long enough to write a prescription. And the ER doctor just felt the reaction to Zoloft was normal. Is that why there are lawsuits against the manufacturer?

After the first month off work I finally got a family doctor. I was sick of getting the run around. The first thing he did is change the medication to one that wasn't addictive and helps the Fibromyalgia and the sleep. Then he referred me to a rheumatologist.

When I saw the rheumatologist he did some chest x-rays (since I was sick at the time), back x-rays and some blood work. Then I was recalled for the blood work. That concerned me a little but they didn't tell me why it was done.

After 2 months I finally had the appointment with the psychiatrist. It lasted about 15 minutes. He didn't feel I was in crisis any more and thought I was fine to return to work. He did think I should go to see the EAP counsellor and/or take part in an eating disorder support group at the Women's Health Center. Now that is just a judgment call on the part of the psychiatrist. I have a really hard time gaining weight. But I'm not withholding food. Maybe this was a sign they should be looking at metabolism and thyroid disorders. I never saw the EAP counsellor either. I am pretty sure my file at work indicates that I have clinical depression. That might be good for job security but it is completely false.

I've been back at work for 3 months now. My performance has not been an issue. Well okay my sales this month are low... but it's the first time for that. I'm meeting all my mandates... and passing all my aces. Of course I still have a while to go before I can apply for anything due to the disciplinary action prior to my LOA which they didn't remove after the doctor decided that it was all because of depression.

Now here is the part that makes me angry. Things might have been very different if the first doctor had not just passed the buck but had actually done tests to rule out other issues. Now I realize that he could not look past the self-injury and treated me with no respect as a result. The self-injury is about coping, nothing more. And as a side note I have not cut myself (intentionally any ways) in over a year now. When the rheumatologist did the blood work they discovered my white blood cell count was low and so was the platelet count. The second blood test came back the same. So when I went in to see my family doctor he redid the tests since it had been 2 months and said if they came back the same then he would refer me to a hematologist and more then likely I would need a bone marrow biopsy done. The low platelet count would account for the fatigue and the low white blood cell count accounts for being sick quite often. I can't fight anything off. This time around the red blood cell count might also be low. When the tests were done the first time I was taking iron supplements 3x a day (5x the recommended dose of iron in one day so it's no wonder the red blood cell was normal). The reason he wants to do the bone marrow biopsy is to make sure the bone marrow is still producing blood cells. That's usually a serious thing. For now it's still a waiting game. The test results haven't come back yet. So we'll see.... but I finally feel validated... They're no longer telling me it's all in my head. Imagine that... there actually is a physical reason for this.

Needless to say I am not too fond of the doctors I saw regarding my LOA, aside from my family doctor. After all there were 3 doctors and 3 psychiatrists and not one of them did any tests. It would've been nice to catch this 4.5 months ago. At least then I would've had the answers by now... and if it's something that is easily treated would already be feeling better. But no... they just wanted to give me the label of depression and believed that anti-depressants would be the answer.

Pain Free

Looks like I should've gone to the ER sooner. The Naproxen really took away the pain. Granted I do have to take it 3x a day to keep the pain away. My tongue is still cut so that is a little aggravating but overall it is a great improvement. Later today I might even ice it again to bring down the swelling.

Zyban Part 2

First of all should I be concerned about the fact I am taking an anti-depressant to help me quit smoking? Maybe it's just me but I find that kind of odd. I think I'll just ignore that since it is working. It's also the only aid to quitting smoking that does not include nicotine.

I can honestly say that it really does reduce the effects of withdrawal. There are very few times I actually have a craving. And even then it passes really quickly. I don't have the insomnia like I had last time around. Of course, I am also on medications to help me sleep. But no headaches, anxiety, restlessness or trouble concentrating. More importantly no irritability either... well okay very little. And I don't think that is actually from the withdrawal but from unrelated stress.

Since it alters the brain chemistry and the neurotransmitters it really shouldn't be surprised that there is a dark side to it. You can't alter the neurotransmitters and expect that everyone will react positively. Most, if not all, newer anti-depressants have to have a warning about the increased risk of suicide. Now I really did have a reaction to Zoloft but not to Zyban. I know that Zyban is not an SSRI and the two focus on different centers in the brain.

How Does Zyban Work?

What is Zyban?

Zyban is a nicotine-free pill prescribed to help a patient stop smoking. It is prescription medicine available only from your healthcare professional for smokers 18 and older.

Zyban is also used to relieve symptoms of depression and to treat Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder in children.

Zyban is manufactured by Glaxo Smith Kline and sold as Wellbutrin, Wellbutrin SR and Zyban SR. Zyban is also called bupropion hypochloride.

How does Zyban Work?

Researchers believe that Zyban interacts with the brain's neurotransmitters to reduce craving and the effects of withdrawal from nicotine addiction. The active ingredient, bupropion, is a relatively weak inhibitor of the neuronal uptake of dopamine, serotonin and norepinephrine. Zyban can be combined with nicotine replacement therapy like patches or gum.

Bupropion is a medicine that was first developed to treat depression. It was found that it helped smokers to stop smoking. It is not clear how it works. It alters the level of some chemicals in the brain (neurotransmitters). This seems to relieve the withdrawal symptoms that you get when you stop smoking (such as craving, anxiety, restlessness, headaches, irritability, hunger, difficulty with concentration, or just feeling awful).

Side Effects:

It has been suggested that bupropion and SSRIs may cause depression to worsen and even lead to suicide in a small number of patients. These potential side effects are difficult to evaluate in depressed patients because depression can progress with or without treatment, and suicide is itself a consequence of depression. Moreover, the evidence supporting these potential side effects is weak. Therefore, no conclusions can yet be drawn about the relationship between bupropion and SSRIs and worsening depression and suicide. Until better information is available, patients receiving bupropion or SSRIs should be monitored for worsening depression and suicidal tendencies.

Back to the ER

I managed to stay away for 3 months but tonight I was back to the ER. I was concerned that the nerve damage might have resulted in an infection. Plus I wanted the pain to stop. I was planning to wait until I saw the dentist on Tuesday but figured I was only hurting myself if I waited... and was in agony. I got there around 8:00 and it was 8:30 before I even saw the triage nurse because 5 ambulances came in at the same time. The sign beside triage indicated that it was 3-4 hour wait. They fast tracked me which was a good thing. But with all the patients and the ambulances the doctor for the fast tracked patients was soemewhere else. 2 people were waiting for their test results and there were 8 people ahead of me. It was not looking promising. But I was actually out of there by 10:00. The doctor said to ice my jaw and neck and gave me naproxen for the pain. He thinks the TMJ was aggravated, possibly by overextending the jaw while the treatment was done, from hitting the nerve, or just from having my mouth open for an hour. I had been wondering about that... since the same thing happened when I had my wisdom teeth out. I had to go on Naproxen then too. Hopefully it does control the pain. And hopefully the cut on my tongue actually heals. I'll be back at the dentists on Tuesday so I can also get his opinion. And hopefully when he fills the next cavities he doesn't inflict any more damage.

New Home

So I have now lived here for almost a month. Overall I love it here. I really feel like I am home. And I don't have to worry about a roommate. It's all my space. But building management doesn't exactly seem to work too hard on maintenance requests. For instance, just after I moved in I told them the thermostat doesn't work and it was about 90 degrees in here. They have yet to come by and fix it. And right now I am unable to unlock the balcony door. So while I have an air conditioner that mainly keeps my room cold. Right now it's about 73 degrees in here. It's better then it was but I would like it fixed... especially since it counteracts the air conditioner. The cold air forces the heat to be increased so the air conditioner isn't as effective as it could be. They also have not given me a buzzer code so after a month I still cannot let anyone into the building. I gave them my phone number about 3 weeks ago. So now I have a few things that I want to be taken care of but I'm starting to feel it's a lost cause. I'm hoping I can get someone else to fix the balcony door and the screen door. They are easy fixes (I think). Of course if I am waiting for Steve to do it then it might take as long as the superintendent. He was supposed to install blinds and that hasn't happened. He's also supposed to be getting me a toilet tank since I managed to break the one I currently have. Relying on him isn't a good idea. The move took longer then it was supposed to... and then he was slow at removing the boxes. And he hasn't followed through on his promise of blinds. I think when I drop off my rent I will also ask them about the thermostat again... and being added to the buzzer system.

6 Days, 7 Nights

That's how long I've been nicotine free. For the most part it is going okay. The Zyban makes a huge difference. When I quit cold turkey I really had to battle the cravings and they have been greatly reduced this time around. Pat said I'm not as chipper as I usually am. I'm not sure that's related to the withdrawal. I think it's just fatigue, stress, and the nerve damage. It's hard to be chipper when you're in a lot of pain. I've also got a lot on my mind. Someone said the second week is harder. So I guess we'll see. The only time it's hard is when I am around Steve since he pretty much chain smokes. Mind you the last time I saw him was the day I quit. He might be shocked to realize that the apartment is now non smoking. If he wants to light up he'll have to do it on the balcony. Not that I'll be seeing much of him any ways. Pat's giving me a ride to and from work all week, except Tuesday morning when I have a dentist appointment. One day at a time. I can't think about a week from now... or a month from now... I really have to take it one day at a time.

Long Weekend

Since Monday is a holiday in the US that means a long weekend for me. After a number of one day weekends I am definitely looking forward to 3 days off. Now I wish that my jaw wasn't still hurting. I keep getting this weird feeling going through the nerves, even into my ear. I am back to the dentist on Tuesday so hopefully he can give me an anti-inflammatory or an antibiotic. I'd also like the feeling back in my tongue but looks like that might be a while.

Not doing a whole lot on my days off. Just going to relax and take it easy. Well I do have to do laundry at some point but that's not a big deal. I should probably also go grocery shopping but that's really not a lot to do in 3 days. Might even catch up on some sleep.

Azrael

For some weird reason Azrael has taken to crying a lot... He used to be pretty quiet if I was home. Occasionally he would bring his teddy bear into my room and start howling. And if I locked him out of the bathroom he might cry. Lately it just seems to be random. He's just start meowing for no apparant reason. Last night he decided to wake me up at 2:00 a.m. Not what I really wanted. I hope this ends soon.

Long Way Home

So I was thinking about this post on my way home.... I had plenty of time... so of course my mind was wandering. I was reminded of the song "Long Way Home" by ATB. I love that song. Wish I could post it here but any ways. Then I was wishing that I had my headphones so I could put it on. And then my mind went back to this post.

I had to walk home from work again today. I really don't mind the walk home. Sure it hurts a little because I'm not used to it. But it also reminds me of how far I have come. About 4 years ago the physiotherapist was telling me to only walk for 15 minutes at a time, to really pace myself, and always had a look of pity in their eyes when I was in. The joys of having a chronic pain condition. So the fact I can walk 4 kilometres and it doesn't cause a flare up is good thing.

I have definitely learned that Harley Davidosn boots are not the greatest for walking in. My feet, especially my right foot, is kind of sore right now. I should really start wearing running shoes but then I never know when I am going to be walking home. Seems to be more of a challenge when I am on days. Getting to work seems to be the easy part.... it's getting home that is not so easy.

And I am starting to think that I should take a collection at work. It's called the "Get Heather a Proper Backback Fund." If I have a ride to and from work it's not a problem. But I carry the laptop in a messenger bag. Definitely not a good thing when walking. I really pull the muscles in my neck and shoulder in the process. By the time I get home it looks like I have a bad sunburn where the strap is cutting into the skin. I really need to do something about that but don't have the money at the moment.

Other then that I like the walk home. And I am noticing that I have more energy since I quit smoking. Might even boost my white blood cell count. Helps me sleep as well. In fact it's almost 11 and I could actually go to bed now. But I still have to make my lunch and am watching the Ultimate Fighter.

100 Hours

I am now at 100 hours without nicotine. I am definitely not going to say it's been easy because it hasn't been. They say you should reduce your stress level before you quit smoking to make it easier to deal with the symptoms of withdrawal. Hmm... guess I missed that part of it since my stress level is almost at an all time high right now. On top of that I am currently working days. I tend to be more tired on the day shift, especially now that I am in my second week of days. I remember from the last time when I tried to quit cold turkey your sleep patters really get disrupted. Like I needed more fatigue. Then there is the anxiety, irritability, dizziness, and the ADHD tendencies. And since my body is still healing it also feels like I have a cold as my lungs start to heal. And I haven't even mentioned the cravings. Good times let me tell you. Now I am fully aware that it is for the best and will help me in the long run. That doesn't really make it easier though. I know it's not the cigarette that I am craving... it's the coping mechanism and the stress relief that it provides. I know it's temporary and I just have to wait it out. The Zyban definitely makes it easier... but there are still times I really want to go back to it.

Chiropractor

I had the first chiropractor's appointment in a few weeks. My back had been bothering me for a little while now. She said that my lymph nodes are swollen from the nerve damage. I'm hoping I can make it until Tuesday when I am back at the dentists so I can get a prescription. I was doing some research and looks like it will be year before the nerves are completely healed, if they ever are. The things they don't warn you about when you go to the dentist.

But that was a tangent. Now back to the chiropractor. Charlene was doing her best to cheer me up. I think she knew that the thought of a bone marrow biopsy was weighing on me. The uncertainty of not knowing. She was expecting a witty comment from me... but for once I didn't have one. She also said to think positively since it could be something easy to correct. Always nice when the chiropractor calls you a mutant *lol* She was thinking that it was something genetic. She also said that even if it is a lymphoma if it is caught early enough then in all likelihood I'd be fine. But what actually impacted me the most about my trip to the chiropractor was when she said to let her know if I needed her to put her name on the list of potential bone marrow donors. Now, first of all, I do not want it to come to that. It's kind of a major procedure and you end up spending weeks in isolation so that you don't get an infection. But I thought that was the sweetest thing. I don't like the idea of having a needle inserted into the bone to draw marrow... Most people wouldn't offer to go through that for someone else, especially when they're not family. I know it's not as major as donating a kidney but still. It's still a great sacrifice. I respected her before but now I really have a great deal of respect for her.

Family

Thought I'd post this picture since this was about what Azrael looked like when my niece was over yesterday. He's never been around children at all so he tends to get a little spooked. I think he's over it now.

But I love seeing my niece. Annika is cute and I love her to death. And she really had fun at the McDonald's play land. It was only a short visit since they had been in town all day and it was a long day. I had to work so I couldn't spend much time with them.

It was also nice to see Sarah. Hadn't seen her in a few years now. Mom had already told me she might come down so it wasn't nearly as much of a surprise. Sure I check her blog to see what's going on (if she ever updates it any ways... okay so I am giving you a hard time) but that's not really contact. Of course with me talking on the phone all day I don't come home and want to call people. I like my virtual world. But it was still nice to see Suzanne, Annika and Sarah yesterday. :o)

Stress & Anxiety

I'm beginning to think a prescription for Valium would be a good thing. Even before I went to the doctors I was starting to get a little stressed. I wasn't feeling 100% and had not been able to fight off the cold I had. I destroyed my PDA and was going insane at work. Pat had been off sick so I was doing extra so that we would meet the mandate. It was already starting to take a toll on me when I went to the doctor. I've had a hard time relaxing ever since.

I've been working days so I am already tired. I never was good in the morning and am starting to feel the effects. Part of me likes working days so that I have the evening to watch TV and get stuff done but another part of me prefers to sleep in and work later.

I also quit smoking on the weekend. So on top of sleep deprivation I am also going through nicotine withdrawal. Maybe this was not the best time to quit smoking. The Zyban seems to be helping although it would help if I actually took the proper dose instead of skipping it by accident. I know when I tried to quit last time the first month was the killer... unfortunately I didn't make it past that point...but also quit cold turkey... so this time it might be better.

The day I found out I was going to need a bone marrow biopsy done I then had to go to work. It was not the most relaxing day. I started to feel the stress of not knowing. I keep trying to prepare myself for any possibility. It could be anything from a vitamin deficiency to a lymphoma. At this point I have no idea. And being a control freak I hate not knowing.

The next day I was about to have a shower when the picture fell and the glass shattered. It also took the top part of the toilet tank with it. Since I was standing in front of it I almost had a panic attack. I just got told my platelet count was low so the last thing I wanted to do was cut myself. Fortunately I managed not to.

Then I went to the dentist and he hit a blood vessel. Time for another panic attack. That was followed by nerve damage. As you can tell my week is just going from bad to worse. Now I can barely open my mouth because of pain. So I don't want to eat... or talk...

When I ordered my replacement PDA they were supposed to send it to work so that someone could sign for it. I'm assuming they sent it to my old address. It has been sitting at Purolator for a week. Then they tried to deliver it and weren't able to. I sent Steve done with a letter authorizing them to release it to him and included my driver's license. But they refused since his address was not the same. So tomorrow morning I have to leave at 7:30 in the hopes that it's not on the truck and they will actually give it to me.

At this point I am way too stressed and extremely frustrated. I know I need to relax but that is easier said then done. Especially since every time I turn around things are going from bad to worse. As far as the biopsy goes there is nothing I can do at the moment. It's also very frustrating to be this low on energy. I can get up and do stuff for about 10-15 minutes and then am just drained again. For someone so independant that's difficult to take. Or maybe I just need some Valium. That will help me relax.

Laundry

Just wanted to point out that I did laundry the other day without destroying anything. Everything went fine and there was nothing in my pockets.

Inflammation

What is with my week? If the nerve damage wasn't bad enough now my jaw seems to be inflamed. I keep feeling sharp pain in my jaw and it spreads into my neck. I was at the chiropractor's today and there was nothing she could do since it's actually swollen. I'm trying to decide if I should be going to the doctors or just wait until next week to see the dentist. I could really do with some muscle relaxers. I'm going to try and gut it out until next week but we'll see. At the moment it's pretty agonizing.

Perspective

Why is it that the only time we ever really look back on our lives and take stock is when something happens? Usually I am too busy with work and relaxing when I come home. I get caught up in the small picture and never really take the time to look at the big picture.

I'm definitely not where I thought I'd be. Okay so that's not a bad thing... just not what I imagined. I had always figured I'd be married by now. Well step 1 would be being in a relationship and I don't see that on the horizon.

I also figured I'd be working with young offenders. Well some of my agents might fit that category. I'm just kidding. My job is a mix of technology and psychology. Not only do I have to be able to troubleshoot but I also have to coach the agents. I love my job, most of the time any ways.

I never was that good at being organized or setting goals so I can't really offer that much more perspective on my life. Maybe I should set more goals... and maybe I should stop and take more time to think about life instead of just looking at the small picture all the time.

Labels and the Stigma That Goes With Them

Why do we always feel the need to label people? Labels involve names. After giving it some thought I believe that we simply cannot see the world as individuals or it would be too overwhelming. Categories make it easier.

Unfortunately, labels can also bring a stigma with it. Sometimes labels will end up shaping our identity and how we see ourselves. A kid with ADHD will probably never see themselves as anything else. It becomes who they are.

When I went on my LOA they sent me to a doctor who believed that Fibromyalgia was symptom of a psychiatric disorder. When I said I was fatigued, oversleeping, and having trouble getting out of bed he chalked it up to depression. The symptoms just reinforced his belief. So he believed I needed an emergency exam from a psychiatrist. I was angry since I knew I didn't have a mental disorder. Mind you by the end I was questioning it. So the report that work got was that I was depressed. My team leader questioned me and basically called me liar when I said it wasn't depression. She thought I was just in denial. They put me on Zoloft which was a bad idea... maybe because I wasn't depressed. As much as I tried to fight it I had the label of depression... I still have that label. And I am familiar with the stigma that is associated with a mental illness. The more I try and deny it the more I look like I am just denying that I have a mental illness. And once you have the label it's not easy to break free.

Right about now I want to say I told you so... to all the people that said I was depressed... that it was all in my head. So did I need the 2 months off? Did I need to see the psychiatrist? Did I need the medications? No... I needed a doctor to take the time and listen to what I had to say. I needed someone that didn't have some preconceived notion that I had a mental disorder. Someone asked me why I didn't tell the doctor the whole truth about my LOA... and the knife. For one, I didn't think it was any of his business since I made the choice not to use it. Secondly, I didn't want it to shape his opinion of me and change the course of treatment. Looks like I made the right choice. The fatigue and the lack of energy isn't caused by depression... it's the low platelet count. The fact I am sick is because of the low white blood cell count. In a nutshell my immune system is all but non existent. Hmm... yeah I guess that would lead to fatigue, among other things.

So the next time you want to label someone... or their behaviour... think about the stigma that the label might cause. Everyone is unique and what we think about someone reflects our beliefs about them and our perceptions. That doesn't make it truth.

What I've Learned

Okay so maybe this is a little harsh but I am pretty jaded. I've learned that life is not fair. I've learned that bad things happen to anyone. I've also learned that doing the right thing doesn't always end up to be the right thing. Looking back I can't help but wonder if I did the right thing. What was the point? Yes, I stood up for my rights after being victimized but was it worth the cost? Not only did I have to go through it the first time but then I had to relive it at the police station. Followed by a return home for the police to collect evidence. I lost my favourite t-shirt and my sheets. Then it was off to the hospital where if you don't go through a rape kit all the accused has to do is deny having sex.. and the defense lawyer has all the evidence before a plea is even entered. Oh and if that wasn't fun enough then I had to go back to the police station and repeat everything all over again, this time on camera. It was a long, gruelling day and it felt like I was victimized all over again. And that was just the beginning. When I came back to work I had my movements restricted so that I wouldn't end up near him (and in spite of the peace bond that restriction has now been lifted). And co-workers said I was a "lying bitch that had him charged out of spite." Made it tough to go into work. During my LOA there was a poll as to why I was off and the rape was the number 1 reason.

When it came to the court case I was pretty much left in the dark. In fact it was Adam that told me about his first court appearance. I had no idea. I got one letter and that was it. 7 months of silence and then a phone call telling me the charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence and a lack of witnesses. So now I ask myself, what was the point? It had a great cost to me personally and professionally. For what? Life would've been easier had I not gone to the police. It's been 8 months so I am over what happened. I didn't need therapy, just time.

I've learned why rape is so underreported. I've learned it doesn't pay off to press charges. I've learned what it's like to stand alone. And now I am left with just one question that I can't seem to answer.

Did I do the right thing?

Dentist

I am beginning to think that this is the week to kick me when I am down. Anything else want to happen this week? Okay... I really shouldn't say that. I remember what happened last time. Today was the tail end of my weekend, back to work tomorrow. I figured I'd go to the dentist while I was off. Nice thought. So the dentist was putting the freezing in and hit a blood vessel. I felt this weird sensation go right through to my ear. And, of course, there is the fact my platelet count is low. So I'm automatically having a mini panic attack . Well then he did nerve damage. He used more freezing then last time so I didn't think much of it when a couple hours later my jaw was hurting. But when it was still hurting 6 hours after they did the freezing I knew there was nerve damage. Why is it that every time they do work on the lower right they manage to do nerve damage? The last time around I was getting my wisdom teeth out and they did nerve damage. Half my tongue was numb and there are still days that I can feel it. But once again they damaged the nerves. I can even feel it in my neck. I could barely eat. Hoping it is improved tomorrow. If all else fails I think I still have some Percocets I could take.

Justice Part 2

There was a time I believed in justice. I was naive and thought I lived in a just world. It was my belief that life was fair and while I believed in rehabilition I also believed in restitution. My ideas of justice and the perfect world have been called into question lately. Perhaps I feel differently having been a victim of crime. When I got a call a couple of weeks ago telling me the charges were being dropped it was like I was victimized all over again. If I had known this was how it was going to turn out I wouldn't have gone to the police at all. Spending 10 hours at the police station and the hospital was not my idea of a good day. I had my name dragged through the mud at work. For what? They dropped the charges due to a lack of evidence and the fact there were no witnesses. I was sexually assaulted. Of course there were no witnesses. The cop that told me the charges were dropped pointed out the fact I wouldn't have to testify. Yes that is a good thing and was not something I was looking forward to. But I knew that I was going to have to testify and was prepared to do so. It was disappointing and did nothing but reinforce the victimization a sexual assault victim goes through every step of the way. It's no wonder it is so under-reported. Makes me rethink the whole idea of justice as well. I have been let down by the justice system and there is nothing I can do.

Justice

As taken from Wikipedia, "Justice (French justice from Latin justitia, from justus "just") is a concept involving the fair, moral, and impartial treatment of all persons. In its most general sense, it means according individuals what they actually deserve or merit, or are in some sense entitled to. Justice is a particularly foundational concept within most systems of "law," and draws highly upon established and well-regarded social traditions and values. From the perspective of pragmatism, it is the name for a fair result.

In most cases what one regards as "just" is determined by consulting established and agreeable principles, employing logic, or, in certain systems, by consulting a majority. In social contexts where religion dominates, justice may be thought to require deference to religious texts or to spiritual guidance. If a person lives under a certain set law in a country, concepts of "justice" are often simply deferential to the existing law —the issuing of punitive reprimands for violations may be referred to as "serving justice." In principle, this fits the general concept in that the individuals get what is supposedly due to them.

Classically, justice was the ability to recognize one's debts and pay them. It was a virtue that encompassed an unwillingness to lie or steal. It was the basis for the code duello. In this view, justice is the opposite of the vice of venality.

In jurisprudence, justice is the obligation that the legal system has toward the individual citizen and the society as a whole."

Denial

I'm sure we've all had those moments where we wish we could go back in time and change things. Right now I am definitely having one of those moments. I've known I was sick for a very long time now. I just kept on denying it.

It all started in November of 2003. I celebrated my birthday and the next day felt like I had the flu. I would up at the hospital and they said it was the flu. I couldn't eat and spent most of my time in bed. I lost about 20 pounds and couldn't seem to recover. I wound up back at the hospital and they said to eat McDonald's. At 70 pounds your body is in survival mode more then anything else. I stopped going to class and was going to work three days a week so I wouldn't get fired. Lost the semester in school. By then I was looking better and had gained the weight back. Everyone thought things were back to normal. I knew better but wouldn't admit to it.

I moved in with Adam around the same time. He said that when you move in together that's when you see what the other person is really like. There is definitely some truth to that. But I never went back to the person I was when we first met. And this is where most of the regrets come from. Would things have worked out? I'll never know. But I take full responsibility for things not working out. I lost the one person I have really loved, in part because I refused to admit that anything was wrong. I kept telling myself that I just needed more sleep. The relationship was strained because I didn't have the energy to do anything... Hell I could barely get out of bed. But since I didn't look sick I could easily put on the front that I wasn't. Certain friends really didn't help the situation any. They wanted to see it fail and pushed for it to happen. I became an easy target. And I wasn't willing to let anyone know that I wasn't doing so well.

So the relationship ended and my denial continued. I moved into my new apartment, still telling myself I just needed some rest. But even with vacation time that didn't happen. I was just more and more tired. I would go to work and go home and that has pretty much been my life. A life ruled by overwhelming fatigue.

The irony is that my attendance at work has been better since this started happening then it was previously. I haven't had pneumonia or the flu since then and haven't had as many cases of bronchitis. Now I did move out of Rose's and I do think that helped my health tremendously. But I never see fatigue as a good enough reason not to go to work. So I struggle through.

And as far as doctor's go... I didn't have a family doctor and it never really seemed to be something I would go to emergency for. I was also lying to myself... saying it was just the insomnia... or burnout... or the fibromyalgia. When I was at the ER for something else I briefly asked them about it. The response I got was "I'm just an ER doctor." There are a lot of people in Peterborough without family doctors so they have to turn to the ER. When I was on my LOA work sent me to see Dr. Kaskey. When I said I was exhausted and could barely get out of bed he told me it was depression and that I needed strong anti-depressants to get better. So now I was being told it was all in my head. Made it easier to deny anything was wrong. Then I found a family doctor. He put me on medication that helped me sleep but did nothing for the fatigue. I was referred to a rheumatologist who did the blood work that determined my white blood cell count and platelet count were both abnormal. So much for denial. I was able to deny it for 2 years. Now it's time for a reality check.

So to Adam... I am sorry. I am also surprised that you stuck it out as long as you did. Time for me to face the reality and admit that I am sick. I may not admit that I can't do it alone but that's just not in me to do. Step 1. Admitting. Step 2. Getting help. Step 3. Recovery.

Good News

I guess I should mention the good news that also came out of the doctor's visit. I decided to go on Zyban to quit smoking. Probably not the best time in the world to quit... but there is no time like the present. I had made that decision before I even went there. Fortunately, my insurance covers it. I decided aginst cold turkey this time around since last time it almost cost me my job. No binge drinking for me. Not that I was drinking any ways... but apparently it can cause seizures. So we'll see how that goes.

The Answer I Didn't Want

I am definitely glad that this is not my 100th post. I'm starting to think it was a sign this morning when I got up and it was raining outside. We were late leaving Peterborough and it rained the entire drive to Pickering. Not a good way to start the day.

It was about to get worse... much worse. The reason the doctor wanted me to come in wasn't because of my medications... or because I hadn't been in for a while. He had the results of the blood work. I wanted to know why I was tired all the time. I guess I got the answer... it just wasn't the one I wanted. About 2 months ago they had run some tests and part of that testing was a CBC to check the levels of white blood cells, red blood cells, and platelets. A few days later they called, wanting me to come back for more tests. Both times the white blood cell count, and the platelet count came back abnormal. As you can imagine that's not a good thing. I'm pretty sure the doctor said they were both low. So when I went to see my family doctor he wanted to run the tests again and is planning to refer me to a hematologist. That doesn't sound so bad... until it was followed by this sentence, "You're likely going to need a bone marrow biopsy done." He wants to make sure the bone marrow is still producing blood cells like it should be.

No sooner had I heard those words... and had the blood work done... I was on my way back to Peterborough to head off to work. Believe me, work was not where I wanted to be. I worked my shift and then came home. I am happy to be off for the next two days. Going to try and just rest and take it easy. Now it's a waiting game. I won't know anything for the next two weeks.. and then still have to wait for the hematologist. It's the not knowing that I hate.

Right about now I should also point out there are 101 reasons why the blood cell count is low. Yes, there is leukemia. But there is also vitamin deficiencies, certain types of anemia, and a whole variety of other causes. At this point only time will tell.

Heatwave

It is currently 24 degrees C (74.2 degrees F) in my apartment... definitely a lot warmer then I would like it to be. And that is with the air conditioner in my bedroom. Granted my room is a lot cooler but I'd really like them to fix the thermostat. I'm thinking I might still need a fan out in the living room. The air conditioner doesn't seem to extend much past my bedroom. But that might change once the heat isn't on in the living room. All I know is that 74 degrees is a little too warm for my liking. It drove me nuts when Steve had the temperature cranked all winter. I had trouble breathing and in heat I also notice more pain, although that one is likely perception. Could be worse... when I first moved in it was bout 86 degrees in here... so it is cooler now. A little lower would be nice.

Doctors

So tomorrow I am back to the doctors. Gotta head up to Pickering before work. Maybe I'll even get the results of my blood work. I'm hoping he can also figure out why I am still so tired all the time. The medication is definitely helping to keep me asleep but I still feel exhausted when I get up and low on energy. I got to thinking back and it seemed to have started when I got the flu... and that was two years ago. But I guess rapid weight loss tends to have lasting consequences. Hard to believe I dropped to 70 pounds and was still going to work. Lost the semester at school and that was the end of my academic career. Before someone wants to suggest ginseng it can't be taken with my current medication. I kept thinking that I just needed more sleep... and that in time it would get better... but I guess I was wrong. Maybe it is just the fibromyalgia. Either way it is really frustrating and really limits what I do. It also ends up being a viscious cycle. For instance, I don't walk to work because I don't have the energy but because I'm not getting much exercise I end up more tired. I guess the first step to being completely healthy was actually getting a family doctor. Now I can really look into what's going on. Or hey, if nothing else I can get my prescription refilled.

How to Get out of Doing Laundry

Some days I can just be such an idiot... I know technology doesn't mix well with water. Yet somehow if I can get it into the laundry I will. About a year ago my cell phone went through the washing machine... followed by the dryer. You'd think I would have learned. Apparently not. Last weekend I checked the pockets on one side. Saved my keys, bank card and pen. Losing them would have been much cheaper. I thought my PDA was on the table but I was wrong. As I put the clothes in the dryer I heard "thump, thump, thump." Never a good sound. My heart just dropped. I let it dry out for 24 hours and amazingly it did power on (but only when connected to power). You could definitely see water marks on the display. In Apple land we'd call that "Beyond economical repair." After 48 hours the display actually looked normal... well okay there was an occassional flicker but at least you couldn't see the water marks. Unfortunately, there are still power issues. It doesn't seem to be recognizing the battery. I suppose if I leave it long enough it just might start working again. I ended up ordering a replacement which should be here in about a week. I bought a titanium case for my original PDA. Looks like I needed a waterproof case instead. Or maybe I just shouldn't keep it in my pants pocket. One of life's lessons. Maybe I'll learn this time. Or maybe I'll just get someone else to do my laundry for me.

One Day Weekend

It's time for another one day weekend. Today is my only day off. Well, okay I am also off on Wednesday and Thursday but still. I've been resting all day since it was a busy week and I am still a little congested. My immune system really does seem to have trouble fighting anything off. I even had Christie giving me orders to relax. It's kind of sad that someone had to tell me to slow down and take the time off. But I relly didn't have anything that I absolutely needed to do today. Even laundry is waiting until later this week. But I did learn I am not that good at relaxing. I keep looking for something I need to do. Okay so I am a type A personality and always need to be busy. But it's almost time for me to call it a night. The joys of being back on days, for the first time in a month. So now I am signing off and heading off to bed.

The Move

The move really did turn out to be a nightmare. Friday morning I went down to sign the lease and pick up the keys. Steve was mad because I didn't get up earlier but he had told me that he wasn't moving anything until after work. So I got the keys and went to work. Finished work at 9:30 and helped Steve start moving some stuff. Went to bed around 2:30 a.m. Got up and went back to work. Steve had initially said he wanted to be done on Saturday night which was a great plan. I only had one day off and wanted to spend it unpacking. But... it really didn't work that way. Steve hadn't taken into account the fact that the May 1 weekend is the number one time for people to be moving. So he didn't get done nearly as much as he wanted to. After work on the Saturday I was packing up all the odds and ends from the kitchen and making sure that everything else was ready to go. On one of the first loads he took my bed. That kind of aggravated me. I understood why he did it... but I knew the move wasn't going to be done Saturday night. I had figured I wouldn't be leaving until the bitter end since when I went I had to tak Azrael with me. So then he took the futon... leaving me nothing to sleep on. I ended up being up for 24 hours. Then I just passed out on the floor with my duvet and a pillow. Within 30 minutes 2 kids were banging on the door to sell me something. Got rid of them and passed out again. Then Steve woke me up to move more of the stuff. I get up and there is nothing I can do. I don't have any furniture there and Steve had the keys to my new apartment. So by this point it's my one day off... and I am stuck doing nothing. Around 5:30 Joe (the new tenant) comes by with his brother and a friend. They load up Steve's van but couldn't do anything else. So then I was just killing time until 9:30 when Steve got off work. Joe and company were supposed to be there at 9:30 to help Steve move the rest of my stuff. Well they showed up... but with a load of their own stuff. Then 2 more loads. At 11:30 Steve finally heads over to my new place but not with any of them. He did get some help... but the guy just dropped the stuff off outside and left. So now it's unprotected and Steve is still doing everything by himself. Around 1:30 in the morning he got back and I could pack up the computer and the cat and finish the move. At 2:00 a.m. I had to find my clothes, the alarm clock, and the stuff for the cat. Then on Monday I was back at work. The only good part about that was that it was a night shift. Needless to say it was a long weekend.

Once the move was done came the fun job of unpacking. More late nights and little sleep. Fortunately, it's now done... except for the air conditioner and blinds. Working on both of those. The thermostat also seems to not be working. It took a couple of days to notice since I was unpacking. Then I turned it down and it didn't help. Even with the doors wide open it's still about 75 degrees in here. That's cooler then it was but it's kind of annoying since it means I wake up to the sounds of traffic and since it's been raining for 2 days I can feel the humidity. I have mentioned it 3x to the super now and still no word on when it will be fixed. Thank goodness I am not paying utilities.

But I do love the new apartment. I finally have my own space again. it almost reminds me of one of my apartments in London. I turned the dining area into a mini office. I've also got a balcony again. The only potential downside is getting to work. It's not quite as convenient as living in the same building I work in. But that's not necessarily a bad thing. Now I just need some time to actually relax and enjoy it.

Back Online

So after a month without the internet I am back online. I managed to survive without it. In some ways it was harder being without the cable TV then it was the internet. But I had movies to watch and was in the middle of my move. Today, the guy from Cogoeco was here to connect it. Probably his easist job of the day. I already had everything connected. It just needed to be activated. Now I am back to the Ultimate Fighter and catching up with the online world.

Computer Update

And now for some good news. I received the replacement computer earlier this week. :o) I ended up having to ship the computer back at my expense. At least they are reimbursing me for the shipping cost. Either way it has been a real hassle. Hopefully this time around it works a little better. I am still contemplating calling CR though. I like using words like "downtime", "Business critical" and "appeasement". We'll see. But at least I have my computer.

Offline

In case you're wondering why there haven't been any posts from me recently I am currently offline. I forgot to tell Cogeco that I was moving so they cut off my cable and my internet access. Oops. Guess I really should have told them. I am not sure when I will be back online since I still haven't gotten around to calling Cogeco. I am hoping by next weekend but we'll see.

Bad Timing

So it looks like my computer failure was also a victim of bad timing. I did get ahold of sales support today. In Canada they don't use FedEx. They send out a box by DHL. It takes 1-3 business days to arrive. Being the holiday weekend that meant a delay since there is no mail delivery Friday or Monday. So I should be getting a box on Tuesday or Wednesday. Then it will likely take a week before I actually do get the replacement unit in. Nice to know I will be waiting for the replacement longer then I actually had the computer for. :o(

Can't Anything Go Smoothly?

I am almost starting to think that I am cursed... even the small things that shouldn't be a hassle somehow manage to become a nightmare.

Take for instance my apartment. My roommate decides to move back home (don't even get me started on that one) so I have to find an apartment. I talk to the building manager and she agrees to let me just move into a one bedroom here and my last month's rent deposit would go towards that. So far so good... until the day before the move. I have already signed up for hydro and arranged for my cable to be switched over. Since the cable guy was supposed to be there I decided to make sure the apartment was open so I wouldn't be calling the super needlessly. The apartment was a write-off and they had done nothing to get it ready for me moving in. Not to mention the fact it was a tiny apartment and would cost me quite a bit since it was not all inclusive. So suddenly it's the beginning of April and I am scrambling to find a place to live. Fortunately, that part did turn out to be easy. I still haven't called Cogeco to let them know I didn't move in to that apartment and that I am moving to a new address.

There was also my mail forwarding. I had paid the money to redirect my mail to the new apartment... the one I ended up not taking. So I went down to Canada Post to stop that. According to them it had not even been entered into the system so they just cancelled that and sent me to another Canada Post office to get my money back. Aside from driving all over Peterborough twice to get that done I thought it was easy. Turns out I was wrong. For whatever reason they actually started forwarding my mail and then it didn't seem to be delivered anywhere. I had no access to the mail at the new address and they weren't delivering anything to the old/current address. Took about a week before I started receiving mail again. Pretty good considering according to Canada Post the redirect had not even taken effect since it had not gone into the systems.

Then there is the computer. As frustrating as it was that the computer was not working I figured I'd call tech support and they would set up a replacement computer. I never thought it would end up being this much of a hassle. I also didn't think I would be as long without the computer as I will be. They were just supposed to email me the FedEx labels. I could've driven (well that is assuming I drive... but any ways) to the CR office in Markham in less time then it's taken to get those labels. They told me 24-48 hours to receive the emails. Now tell me... why does it take 24 hours to receive an email? Better question... why has it been 4 days and still no shipping label? So now I have to waste time calling back... and I'll end up speaking to at least 3 different departments in the process. And I just want a working system. Is that really too much to ask?

Update on the Computer

So my $3000 laptop is still making a very nice paperweight at the moment. Still no FedEx labels to send it back. Since yesterday was a holiday they were closed and I couldn't call about it. Today I was at work so I'll have to do that tomorrow. Part of me feels like I should be all nice and not complain about it. But the reality is that I don't work for Apple. I have no obligation to be nice about it. I ordered the computer March 8th and did not get it until March 29th. I knew when I ordered it that there would be shipping delays. Even when I got it there was an issue with the case. But I sucked it up since the computer was working. By April 10th the computer was no longer working and required a hardware repair. It's now April 16th and nothing has been done about it. That's discouraging to me. I bought the computer to make my life easier and to make me more productive. So far it has been anything but. And now my agents are disappointed since I promised them I'd have the MacBook Pro there for troubleshooting. They understand it and it's not like they blame me. But I feel bad. I don't like breaking a promise. Not to mention the fact I spent $3000 on this system. I didn't expect a hardware failure in less then 2 weeks. Hopefully I can get some type of resolution on this soon. After all, I need to create some web sites to generate more of an income. Aaggghhh! Couldn't the replacement be a smooth, easy process?

Computer Troubles

So I got my laptop at the end of March. The wait was finally over and it had arrived. That was a nice thought. 2 weeks later I had a hardware failure. :o( I did all the troubleshooting I possibly could but it couldn't be revived. So I called tech support about it (how ironic is it that a tech support agent is calling tech support). It was a bad call but at least they agreed to replace the computer. I got told I'd have the shipping labels emailed to me in 24-48 hours. Then I have to send the computer back and wait for the replacement. I'm pretty patient... but I have web sites to design, video editing to do, and my agents were using the computer for troubleshooting. So I am not too happy about that part of it. And still no labels. Why does it take longer to send an email with the labels then it does to send me a box? If I don't get the email soon it will be time to call CR and see what they can do for me. I'll get to use words like "business critical", "brand new system", "appeasement" and then I'll see what deal I can make with them. I'm all about knowing the system and working it. Wonder what I can get out of it? Faster service... software... maybe even an external hard drive... Guess we'll see if I don't get those FedEx labels tomorrow.

Rheumatologist

So I went to the rheumatologist and he was concerned about the lack of movement in my lower back. That was also when I was really sick so he ordered a chest x-ray to rule out pneumonia. Then I had some fun x-rays of my spine. And he ran some tests. But at the end of the visit he said that he doesn't treat Fibromyalgia patients. He focuses on lupus and rheumathoid arthritis. I got the impression it was also because there were too many patients. So, once again, I feel caught in the middle. No one seems to want to treat it. But any ways they called me back a few days later wanting the tests to be redone and wanting me to make a follow-up appointment. I went back and got the tests done. I have no idea why they wanted me to do the tests again or want me to come back... I haven't had a chance to make another appointment. Then today my family doctor called wanting me to come in. I'm wondering if I should be concerned about the test results. I think my family doctor just called to follow up on the medication but I'm not sure. I guess I'll find out.

Living in Boxes

Okay so I am no longer in limbo. I went and saw the Talwood apartment today. It almost reminded me of my apartment back in London. There was actually a dining area and a balcony. The bedroom was bigger then the one I was looking at in my current building, not that it would take much. It felt like home. So I filled out the application and they got back to me pretty quickly. Said it would be 24 hours but I had my answer before my lunch break at work. So I can now breathe a sigh of relief. It's still going to be tough to pay but they give you a 2% discount if you pay your rent on time. And it will be cheaper then what I'd be paying here. But for now I'll be living out of boxes. There's no point in unpacking when I'll be moving in a few weeks. As soon as I pay my first month's rent (and last) I can move in. They aren't even pro-rating the rent which is a bonus. It will still be the end of the month before I have both first and last but at least I know that it is available and I don't have to worry about the back to back move.

I had to run a bunch of errands before work today to stop my mail from being forwarded and cancel the hydro. I still have to change my address and contact Cogeco since I am not taking the apartment here. I'll likely have to pay the moving fee twice but that's life. Not much I can do about that. Still have to cancel my Telus account as well but I am a little hesitant about that since the buzzer code is going to that phone. Not that I want to be paying for 2 cell phones... so I'll likely get rid of that this weekend. It's on my list of things to do.

Things at work are still going good. I'm back in the groove and feeling good about it. Been a long time since I felt that way. I don't feel stressed going into work. I notice the difference, especially when on calls. I used to dread phone time and tried to get out of it. It was like I did a 180 when I had to take calls. I was great with the agents but the thought of actually taking calls just filled me with dread. Now I am okay with it. Not focusing on my stats nearly as much and just relaxing.

Today I was reminded of friendships and supportive people. I already had a few people offer to give me a ride if I am on the same schedule. It made my day. I was concerned about how I was going to get to work, especially when on day shifts. I had mentioned having a housewarming when I move in and a few people are excited about the idea. I'm not used to being social. I used to go out all the time but really haven't done that as of late. I was so used to my own little world. I go to work and then go home and don't do much else. So it's nice that people want to get together when I move. I'm looking forward to moving, getting away from here, and changes. I'm going to invite the team over once I am settled in. I'm still pretty new on the team so I think it's a great way to get to know them... outside of work... Plus it's a chance to be social again.

And now it's about time I head off to bed. More errands to run before work tomorrow... and a chiropractor appointment. 8 hours of sleep would be nice.

Act 27, Line 4

Okay so it's really not a play but the challenge was to take the post that represents your age and since this is the fourth month find the 4th sentence. I'm thinking I had a lot more free time back then... I seemed to be posting at least once a day if not more often... now I am lucky if I post more then once in a week. Ahh the joys of going back to work... Then I was packing... and sick... and now am in limbo. Can't anything go smoothly? But now back to my 27th post... which was from ny Happy New Years post. I was wrong in my comments at L.Bo's page... Looks like I can't count. The actual 4th sentence was "2005 has definitely been an interesting year." But here is the entire paragraph.

"Wishing everyone a happy new year! As another year draws to a close I am reminded of the song "Closing Time" by Semisonic. "Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end." 2005 has definitely been an interesting year. For whatever 2005 brought with it: the good, the bad and the ugly, the year will be over in a little over 12 hours. So now it's time to reminisce about the previous year."